[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 60

[Brian]

I delayed far too long in writing this....  Slowing down has cost me.  This one's rough and will probably require some significant editing/revision.

So, any tropers sneaking in for an early peek, sorry, but this isn't my best work.  You may be happier waiting for a more worthy revision!

[alethiophile]

Okay, so this thing is made of awesome and wonderful. I'm going to steal this from Pax:

Spoiler: ShowHide

At the moment I'm too busy squeeing to proofread. I'll look over it again in a little while.

[Guenther]

An enjoyable read - it made me grin :-)

The beginning is a bit meandering, though. Are the unusually many questions intentional? Kanae's internal dialogue doesn't usually have them, does it?

One typo:

I doubt think she's upset with you at all, Kyon

This is a bit unclear:

Before he could go any further, Kanae cried out, "Surprise!" and was quickly joined by the others.
And somehow, he had to admit — he was.

The difference between "surprise!" and "surprised" was enough that I didn't automatically fill the
"surprised" in, but had to look back.

[Specular]

Actually, I didn't find too much to complain about. I think that the narration was a little more "to the point" and succinct than the usual, but that wasn't detrimental to the chapter.

To be honest, I don't think I have something too useful to say this time (writing this post late at night might have been a factor):

Spoiler: ShowHide

So, in high spirits, she hadn't really thought about things, and when she was visiting with Rena, had carelessly let something spill.... Though, thinking about it, didn't that boy that her sempai had protected her from share a last name with Rena?

How about changing "a last name" with "his family name" to keep the name order convention? /nitpicking

Kyon opened his mouth to reply, then cocked his head to one side, falling silent. Mikuru stared, wondering if he'd noticed Sasaki's position yet – Haruhi and Tsuruya were certainly very good at what they were doing, she had to admit!

I have to agree with Mikuru there xD.

Yuki raised an eyebrow and sipped at her tea wordlessly, while Kuyou blinked attentively, holding a single cookie in both hands and nibbling at one edge of it.

For some reason Yuki and Kuyou's actions in this scene made me think of the Pass the Popcorn trope.

"Don't spit out that 'sister' line and hurt her feelings," Haruhi added, mirroring Tsuruya's smirk, minus the exposed fang.

Even though I think I know what Haruhi was referring to, I think it would be better to include a little reminder of that scene with Kanae. It has been a while since kbdh24 after all.

"Eh?" Sasaki squeaked, looking stunned again. "B...but that would mean...." She looked across the other girls – Mikuru and Kanae gave their own shrugs and weak smiles.

I'm not too sure about this but it seems that Sasaki may have missed the fact that Yuki and Kuyou are also in the same boat due to the lack of an overt reaction. I suggest adding some sort of gesture from them in acknowledgement to Sasaki's unvoiced question (I think a simple nod will suffice). Alternatively, the idea of Sasaki accidentally undercounting the number of girls in a relationship with Kyon could be a good set-up for a joke.

He blinked at that. The only response he could manage wasn't quite a question, as he eked out a, "What."

I think the second comma can be omitted.

And before Kyon could pull away, she pressed her lips firmly against his. Kyon gave a half-shrug before reciprocating, the kiss turning deep and searching kiss.

Reiteration of the word "kiss".

Kuyou watched with almost as much interest, still nibbling her cookie as an eyebrow rose.

Definitely "munching the popcorn" vibes xD.

Mikuru giggled as understanding dawned, and Kanae finally pulled her hand from the slider's eyes. "Aww," she protested. "I missed the entire thing! Mikuru-onee...."

For a moment I thought Yuki was about to hand her cellphone to Kanae while saying something along the lines of "Press this button for a replay" :P

"What other thing?" Sasaki wondered, before gasping. "Oh, goodness – Kyon, did you already.... So, um, when is Tsuruya-san due?"

Kyon blinked and started to form a response before his jaw went slack and he stared numbly.

Now I think about it, someone who time-travel a lot like Kyon has good reasons to worry about in the face of such statement :P

Also, how is it that Sasaki jumped to that conclusion in particular? xD

Kyon could probably handle that, but Koizumi would want to do his part to take care of things – well, if he had to, he could turn into energy and fly the pair of them to the house quickly.

"the pair of them"? Interesting. Now I wonder how Koizumi would use his powers to carry Kyouko with him.

"Ah, heh," she chuckled, before dropping the blanket and practically pouncing at him, her lips pressing against his with unexpected ferocity.

Oh, he realized with faint surprise, recognizing that sensation from her thoughts and feelings.

Kiss by Proxy™, Sasaki/Kyouko's version! I think Kyouko has the right idea about drowning the foreign sensation/emotional response to a kiss with a passionate kiss of her own. Incidentally, it prevents Koizumi from getting too upset about it :P

And then, a few lines later we got Koizumi thinking of talking to Kyon "most sternly" about it? Nice. I like that wording xD.

BTW, it's just me or Kyouko deduced a little too quickly that Sasaki must have been dreaming? Were Sasaki's "oneiric experiences" a problem for Kyouko before?

That would be problematic; as soon as her superiors found out, it would be declared a conflict of interests, and she'd be taken off the case. Of course, that was still ignoring several issues, such as Kyon's evident ability to be in two places at the same time – or any of the other inexplicable things he'd done that she knew of.

I have been waiting for Miyuki's arrival to Hinamizawa for a while now and, embarrassing enough, I never considered how her position could be considered a conflict of interest. Very interesting development, to say the least.

Once the girls were following her up the stairs, Rika gestured ahead and explained, "When Kyon-kun was small, he was very rambunctious, and full of energy!"

For some reason a genki kid!Kyon makes a lot of sense to me.

If if weren't for just how pleasant Tsuruya's laughter really was, the jibes and teasing directed toward him might wear thin.  Of course, he respected the doctor, especially since he could very well owe his life to the man.

"If if" -> "If"

He didn't let himself kiss her back reflexively; he didn't want to do things like that without thinking. If Haruhi and the others were going to be going so far, he had to pay it back. No absently putting his arms around someone, or kissing them just because they were close. From that day forward, he promised himself, everything – all of it – would be intentional. Not just any girls – but the girls he was going to try and be with – and no one else.

The best paragraph of the chapter.





Also, I must point out a conspicuous absence of Achakura in this chapter. /joking

Okay, so this thing is made of awesome and wonderful. I'm going to steal this from Pax:

It seems that the picture's url returns a 403 because of an unauthorized HTTP referer. Let me try:

Spoiler: ShowHide

[Brian]

An enjoyable read - it made me grin :-)

Glad you liked it. :)

The beginning is a bit meandering, though. Are the unusually many questions intentional? Kanae's internal dialogue doesn't usually have them, does it?

Yes, though Kanae does frequently have a lot of little questions to herself.  Here it's just following up on the aftermath of her discussion with Rika (people were curious about that, but I didn't see much benefit to bringing it onscreen).

One typo:

I doubt think she's upset with you at all, Kyon

Oops -- fixed. :x

This is a bit unclear:

Before he could go any further, Kanae cried out, "Surprise!" and was quickly joined by the others.
And somehow, he had to admit — he was.

The difference between "surprise!" and "surprised" was enough that I didn't automatically fill the
"surprised" in, but had to look back.

Revised:

And somehow, he had to admit -- he hadn't seen that coming.

Thanks for the comments. :)

[Brian]

Actually, I didn't find too much to complain about. I think that the narration was a little more "to the point" and succinct than the usual, but that wasn't detrimental to the chapter.

To be honest, I don't think I have something too useful to say this time (writing this post late at night might have been a factor):

Any feedback is better than no feedback!

Spoiler: ShowHide

How about changing "a last name" with "his family name" to keep the name order convention? /nitpicking

Oops -- that makes sense. >_>;

Yuki raised an eyebrow and sipped at her tea wordlessly, while Kuyou blinked attentively, holding a single cookie in both hands and nibbling at one edge of it.

For some reason Yuki and Kuyou's actions in this scene made me think of the Pass the Popcorn trope.

...kind of what I was going for, yes. <_<;

Even though I think I know what Haruhi was referring to, I think it would be better to include a little reminder of that scene with Kanae. It has been a while since kbdh24 after all.

How about:

"Don't spit out that 'sister' line and hurt her feelings like you did with Kanae that time we were watching anime," Haruhi added, mirroring Tsuruya's smirk, minus the exposed fang.  "That's not really how you are with your sister, anyway!"

I'm not too sure about this but it seems that Sasaki may have missed the fact that Yuki and Kuyou are also in the same boat due to the lack of an overt reaction. I suggest adding some sort of gesture from them in acknowledgement to Sasaki's unvoiced question (I think a simple nod will suffice). Alternatively, the idea of Sasaki accidentally undercounting the number of girls in a relationship with Kyon could be a good set-up for a joke.

It's something I was planning on going into more detail on later.  Sasaki doesn't grasp the full extent of it just yet. >_>;

He blinked at that. The only response he could manage wasn't quite a question, as he eked out a, "What."

I think the second comma can be omitted.

First, perhaps.  Second is needed to lead into dialog.  Or I could use a colon, I suppose....

And before Kyon could pull away, she pressed her lips firmly against his. Kyon gave a half-shrug before reciprocating, the kiss turning deep and searching kiss.

Reiteration of the word "kiss".

Fixed.

For a moment I thought Yuki was about to hand her cellphone to Kanae while saying something along the lines of "Press this button for a replay" :P

Yuki: "Archived."
Haruhi: "I knew putting you in charge of that was a good idea!"

Now I think about it, someone who time-travel a lot like Kyon has good reasons to worry about in the face of such statement :P

Also, how is it that Sasaki jumped to that conclusion in particular? xD

Just a leap of logic.  Most explicable thing that she would have to know that would justify/explain the engagement.  Also Sasaki not jumping to the supernatural and expecting something (relatively) mundane.

"the pair of them"? Interesting. Now I wonder how Koizumi would use his powers to carry Kyouko with him.

He can pick things up, not just cut through them.  Unzan and Ichirin; she's basically his hitbox, since he has to maintain a link with someone, so....

XD

BTW, it's just me or Kyouko deduced a little too quickly that Sasaki must have been dreaming? Were Sasaki's "oneiric experiences" a problem for Kyouko before?

Didn't really intend to explore that.  Just more that Kyoko thinks that's the most logical explanation for what she's getting across the link.  "That's a lot of happiness and some strong physical sensations.  Since the guy she likes is engaged to someone else, her having a pleasant dream is a much more viable explanation that finding some other guy and falling for him on the spot."

I have been waiting for Miyuki's arrival to Hinamizawa for a while now and, embarrassing enough, I never considered how her position could be considered a conflict of interest. Very interesting development, to say the least.

Glad that wasn't anticlimactic or feel forced, then. <_<;

For some reason a genki kid!Kyon makes a lot of sense to me.

I think he pretty much states it in the opening of Melancholy.

"If if" -> "If"

Thanks for the catch. @_@

Also, I must point out a conspicuous absence of Achakura in this chapter. /joking

I ... didn't give her much to do, did I?  I mentioned that she's with Kyon's sister.  More on her later; for now I wanted to focus on other characters and give Kyouko/Koizumi some screentime.

Alright -- thanks for the feedback! :)

[Iron Dragoon]

The second section, where Haruhi tries to explain the Uncle's situation, seems a little off to me, but I can't pinpoint *why.* I think the conversation got a little convoluted. I *think* it seems like you were trying to have Haruhi be both uncomfortable explaining, and help lead Kyon to understanding the situation on his own.

It just seemed a little too busy for me. But I'm not exactly an author, and I don't read fanfics a whole lot, so I might just be reading too much into it or something. I'm not sure what it is, but it just doesn't click for me.

[Brian]

I've thought about it a bit.  I'm not really going for Haruhi be uncomfortable explaining, particularly, as much as wanting Kyon to make the connection on his own -- and Haruhi exploiting the situation that ends up developing from that scene anyway.

There's a bit of a joke there that even Mikuru and Kanae figure it out before him.

I'm not really sure what the problem might be.  Anyone else have thoughts?

[Iron Dragoon]

I've thought about it a bit.  I'm not really going for Haruhi be uncomfortable explaining, particularly, as much as wanting Kyon to make the connection on his own -- and Haruhi exploiting the situation that ends up developing from that scene anyway.

There's a bit of a joke there that even Mikuru and Kanae figure it out before him.

I'm not really sure what the problem might be.  Anyone else have thoughts?

Hmm.. It might actually just be that. The way everyone in the conversation stutters and breaks off in their sentences doesn't really match up. Sasaki I can understand doing it because she's new to the idea, but the others probably shouldn't be. They all *know* what's going on, and have had time to get comfortable with the idea. Granted, there aren't that many false starts and 'um's outside of Sasaki and Kyon, but there are a few, and I think that's sort of what threw me off.

I know Mikuru and Kanae are shy, so having a few for them makes a bit of sense, but tossed into the mix with the others, I think I just kind of related theirs to being the same reaction as Kyon/Sasaki's. Not sure if it really applies to anyone else outside of me, so it's probably not that big of an issue.

If you want to try messing with it, try maybe using physical ticks more for the shy characters instead of verbal ones? Dunno.

[Specular]

Post in spoilers just in case:

Spoiler: ShowHide

How about:

"Don't spit out that 'sister' line and hurt her feelings like you did with Kanae that time we were watching anime," Haruhi added, mirroring Tsuruya's smirk, minus the exposed fang. "That's not really how you are with your sister, anyway!"

I don't remember Kanae being hurt about what Kyon said (actually, I'm not sure whether Kanae even knows about it) but I think that's something that Haruhi would totally say to Kyon in this situation.

It's something I was planning on going into more detail on later. Sasaki doesn't grasp the full extent of it just yet. >_>;

Hindsight is a funny thing. Only now I notice that Sasaki mentioned only Tsuruya, Haruhi and Kyon in her inner monologue in the next scene. From that alone it was easy enough to infer that she thinks they're going for the OT4 or something along the lines. :P

Just a leap of logic. Most explicable thing that she would have to know that would justify/explain the engagement. Also Sasaki not jumping to the supernatural and expecting something (relatively) mundane.

Another thing I should have noticed at the first reading. >_<*

For some reason a genki kid!Kyon makes a lot of sense to me.

I think he pretty much states it in the opening of Melancholy.

It's not just that. The way how Kyon thinks about things made me think that he used to acquire knowledge in an extensive rather than intensive manner. That's it, it was easy for him to become interested about something but it was difficult to keep himself interested. IMO, it's trait common in a person that was lively and energetic as a kid (particularly before starting school).

BTW, how old were Miyuki and Kyon when she had to babysit him? I mean, if they met when Kyon was in his "genki"-est period, I wonder if there are one or two anecdotes about them (IINM, Miyuki (b. 1978) is 16 years older than Kyon, time travel and pocket dimension notwithstanding).

I forgot to mention it before, but I liked a lot story behind Kyon's nickname, especially how every detail surrounding it just fits in spite of its simplicity.

I'm not really sure what the problem might be. Anyone else have thoughts?

Probably it's just that the characters are keeping several conversation threads on different layers of knowledge at the same time (discussing what to do with Rena's nephew, nudging Kyon to deduce the truth about his extended family, explaining things in a way that Sasaki will understand later that they offering her the same kind of deal, Haruhi and Tsuruya cooperating to keep Kyon's attention away from the fact he has an arm around Sasaki, Mikuru's interaction with Kanae and her role as the PoV character, etc.) compounded by the shifts in the discussion after Kyon starts thinking it's all a dream (where Haruhi gets the idea to make Sasaki and Kyon kiss, etc.) and later when he realized that he isn't.

Nevertheless, I think the scene was fluid and comprehensible, very nuanced thanks to all those interpersonal dynamics happening at once (even if the two nominal aliens chose to sit back and enjoy the show this time :P ).

Something I was meaning to ask but I always forgot about it (if it's not too much of a spoiler, that's it). Which sophomore class will Sasaki attend in Kitago?


Edit:
I just saw the chapter in the website and I noticed that it's labeled as "Resolution Arc III" instead of "Resolution Arc IV". Is that deliberate?

[Grahf]

I'm afraid that even having gone over it a few times that I don't have much to offer in terms of any corrections. It was nice to see the developments and the revelations about some of Kyon's own personal history. So yeah ... I really don't have anything else to say but good work. shrug

[Brian]

I appreciate the feedback anyway. :)

I'm especially glad the story behind Kyon's nickname seemed to have worked!

[izzy84075]

Been doing proofreading for a friend lately, and it's something of a habit now, to the point where I had started collecting the errors I caught before I realized that I wasn't reading something of theirs... I'm not much for critiquing, but grammar, spelling and stylistic oddities tend to catch my eye, so hopefully I can be of some use.

All of these are from the version currently on your site, as of 11:30AM 2013/04/14. Spoilered for length.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruhi sighed and rose from the seat.

Her seat? I don't believe seating arrangements have been mentioned for this particular scene, but unless it's a bench of some sort that they're all sitting on, I don't think it would be the seat.

"Kyon is best saiko-komon,"

Not sure if this one's on purpose or not.

but it would let us keep a very, very close eye on him!

Feels clunky to me, when reading this out loud. I would have italicized the "would", not the "but". Might just be me, though.

did she had a strong familial resemblance?

had -> have

Yuki watched wordlessly, merely accepting a cookie from Kuyou when she offered it.

Hehe. I don't know why, but I get an image of this being payment for a bet. I like it.

"Ah," he father called, nodding to another group standing at the same pair of nearby markers.

he -> her
Also, having recently rewatched Higurashi, Miyuki's relationship to the Higurashi cast is clicking in some way it didn't before, and the whole conflict of interest thing really should have been obvious before...

That was the problem with setting up ... it was like that phase of the school festival where everyone was assembling things and nothing was yet complete.

Seems rather... Redundant, I guess. That's kinda what setting up is... Maybe a bit of rephrasing, to make it more obvious it's a reference to a previous event or something. Not sure, but it feels odd as it is.

Haruhi dropped a hand on the smaller girl's and gave her an absent, comforting squeeze.

Somewhat ambiguous as to where Haruhi's dropping her hand. It's somewhat implied that it's Kanae's hand, but my gut instinct(Admittedly flawed, now that I've gone searching for the description of Kanae all those chapters ago) was to jump to her shoulder or head, thinking she was shorter than she is and how awkward reaching her hand would be.

"Sempai is Sempai," Kanae declared resolutely

I get a hint of Shutaro's "Icky." from this for some reason...

The reasons for Ooshi's father receiving flowers

Ooshi -> Ooishi

Not just any girls -- but the girls he was going to try and be with -- and no one else.

Seems like this would work better with commas rather than em dashes, to me.

where he startled to see all of the other girls staring expectantly.

I believe you're missing a "was".

[Brian]

Well, I appreciate the feedback!  As tempting as it is to say something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMQhXc1dHIQ

I am grateful for the catches!  Quite a few errors I missed, in fact....  My policy is to not typically go into length on fixes I've used, but that also means if I didn't comment otherwise, I did use it!

Been doing proofreading for a friend lately, and it's something of a habit now, to the point where I had started collecting the errors I caught before I realized that I wasn't reading something of theirs... I'm not much for critiquing, but grammar, spelling and stylistic oddities tend to catch my eye, so hopefully I can be of some use.

It's much appreciated! :)

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Kyon is best saiko-komon,"

Not sure if this one's on purpose or not.

On purpose.

Haruhi dropped a hand on the smaller girl's and gave her an absent, comforting squeeze.

Somewhat ambiguous as to where Haruhi's dropping her hand. It's somewhat implied that it's Kanae's hand, but my gut instinct(Admittedly flawed, now that I've gone searching for the description of Kanae all those chapters ago) was to jump to her shoulder or head, thinking she was shorter than she is and how awkward reaching her hand would be.

I thought the implication was clear, but I'll say shoulder anyway.

Not just any girls -- but the girls he was going to try and be with -- and no one else.

Seems like this would work better with commas rather than em dashes, to me.

I wanted slightly more emphasis.

Okay -- thank you very much for the comments!

[izzy84075]

I hadn't found my way here yet. :p

I'll be around for future chapters, though.