[Haruhi] K:BDH Chapter 64

[Halbarad]

Sorry it's taken so long to get this out. This chapter is the last of what Brian had written; I've done a preliminary editing pass and added the title and epigraph myself, but the rest of it is Brian's.

[Specular]

Just spell checking for now.

Spoiler: ShowHide

The last time that had happened, the Fujiya-tachi had flipped sides, becoming Yamiguchi-gumi members and turning their back on their former Sumiyoshi-rengo allies.

There was no guarantee it would happen again, but Miyuki wouldn't be surprised at the entire Sumiyoshi-rengo slowly being brought under Yamiguchi-gumi control, the way things were going.

s/Yamiguchi-gumi/Yamaguchi-gumi/g

Crime syndicates fighting one-another wasn't neccesarily a good thing, as civilians could easily get involved.

s/neccesarily/necessarily/

The neckline was a tiny bit lower than she usually would have prefered, crossed with a short lattice of ribbon that was knotted in the center.

s/prefered/preferred/

Even if she couldn't keep such things forever, for the moment -- thanks to Haruhi and her suprising generosity -- she could still _enjoy_ it.

s/suprising/surprising/

"Um, I have to go to the washroom," Kanae said with an embarassed giggle. "I need to wash my hands."

s/embarassed/embarrassed/

Haruhi tried to respond, but Kanae didn't jump, she _teleported_ into Haruhi's arms to suprise her with a kiss just as excitable as the one she'd shared with Kyon.

s/suprise/surprise/

I can't even explain the classifed--" She cut off again, eyes shining.

s/classifed--/classifi--/ (just an example)

When Mikuru finally gathered the presence of mind to embarassedly break the hug off, Haruhi -- unmindful of passers by -- quickly gave her a kiss on the cheek.

s/embarassedly/embarrassedly/

"We musn't! Haruhi-chan can't see the older me!"

s/musn't/mustn't/

"You must promise me you won't show those to her!" Mikuru chastized, before pulling away.

s/chastized/chastised/ (it's not incorrect, but previous chapters used the variant with "s")

[Dracos]

Way to carry on, Hal.

[izzy84075]

Hope you don't mind Google Docs. 'tis my preferred editing tool.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uWXUr69AV6vXEdb3MAhidkSkEEJjwp1sMGRdZkIUKwk/edit?usp=sharing

[Rogh-sensei]

Thank you for this, Hal.

[Arakawa]

I recently (relatively speaking) finished re-reading the entire series to refresh my memory, including a few of the later chapters I hadn't got around to reading. I decided to have a look through Ch64 since fewer people seem to be sending C&C than usually show up when Brian posts a chapter... the below is mostly minor fixes.

Spoiler: ShowHide

In general, the past few chapters by Brian were taking this in a more interesting direction than I expected, especially in terms of things with Sasaki being resolved in a surprisingly clever and plausible fashion. In terms of commenting on those chapters in greater detail, obviously the time for that is long past, but it seems good to note that the story has been coming together solidly, and I'd have mostly praise rather than complaints.

There was just one typo I noticed, in the published version of Ch 63. Not sure how/when you'd be able to get around to correcting it:

"Kyon-kun and I have that businesses with some a Sumiyoshi-rengo to arrange an end to their kidnapping attempts later tonight. Are you still interested in attending that meetings?"

"Some a" is obviously redundant.

A couple of notes on the file formatting: Brian had a "Light/Dark" button in his chapters to switch between colour schemes -- for some reason it's missing in this chapter. Also, the <title> tag on the HTML will need to be set in the final version. I'm not sure if you're using the same infrastructure as Brian (his drafts for C&C didn't have the tag either), but if you're not, then duplicating these kinds of details is just a minor thing to pay attention to.

Minor corrections for Ch64 follow by section. My usual disclaimer is that they may be redundant with some of the other people's C&C:

Section beginning "She'd had trouble focusing..."

She grits her teeth, pausing just before she slammed her laptop shut.

Tense inconsistency: "grits" should be "grit".

Section beginning "As excited as she was for another date..."

she could make clothes for Yuki, and that seemed to work for Yuki quite well.

Optional: might want to fix the repetition "for Yuki ... for Yuki".

Ryouko didn't hesitate to process the instructions, reminding Mikuru just a little bit of her own time,

Trying to decipher what "reminding Mikuru just a little bit of her own time" means here. I assume having whatever convenience Ryouko provides, reminds Mikuru of life in the far-future she comes from? It somehow took me a couple of re-readings to get that.

We've been lucky so far that Wataru hasn't found her directly, so far,

This is definitely an awkward repetition that needs to be fixed: "so far ... so far".

Section beginning "It wasn't a total disaster, but Haruhi had been hoping for more..."

to ensure she was happy and content to remain.

Completely optional: this feels like it might flow better if rewritten as something like "... happy and content enough to remain".

Fourth Doctor Kyon scene. Somehow, it feels fitting at this point. I'm not sure why. Perhaps the Doctor strikes me as a melancholy character. This scene is also an example of what some of the recent chapters were getting right in terms of keeping things moving. Now Haruhi has something to do, rather than having to go over the whole "I have nothing to actually do" plot point again.

Section beginning "As much as she wished it was Mikuru's older self..."

Shaking his head, he swept the stunned Miyoko into his his arms -- and invisibility cloak --

Repetition: "his his arms".

I look forward to seeing where this story goes in the future.

Brian: you'll be missed ;_; ... I'm sorry I wasn't able to get around to reading and commenting on the past few chapters when you were still around.

Hal: thank you for doing this.

[KitsuneHerikawa]

Well, I disappear for half a year, and ... well ...


For what it may be worth, here are a few points that I don't think have been hit on yet.

Spoiler: ShowHide

"No-- Well.... I don't think so," he sighed in response, running his free hand through his hair. "It's just that ... I get the feeling I'm forgetting something. Buy Ryouko and Skynet don't have anything, so I'm not sure what it is."

Should be But

"Now he'll have to go through me always, so if we're far apart, she won't even notice it's happening."

Now he'll always have to go through me, so ... (this structure seems to flow better to me)

"This super-heroing stuff is a lot more time consuming than I'd expected...."

With 'time consuming' in the same sentence, this reads better as super-hero - one too many -ing endings

A silence fell over them that lingered until the train reached their destination, and they had taken it to the station nearer Mikuru's apartment.

Either: to a station nearer
Or: to the station nearest

She did have a truly remarkable crew assembled around her, didn't it?

she?

"What makes you think our goals have to be opposed?" Kyon reasoned. "We can -- and have -- worked together. I know you want to be at least friends with Sasaki ... and there's something about you with Mikuru, too. So ... why not explain yourself, so we can try to be allies?


"Because, well ... I think I've managed to get quite enough enemies as things stand. So I'm trying to hear you out."

The separate paragraph makes it hard to understand who says that last part. Since it is all Kyon and he is simply answering his own rhetorical question anyway, this could be combined into one paragraph.

He reluctantly did recognize that she'd somehow come to care for his sister, but that he had seen develop himself.

This should either be italicized for emphasis or placed after 'seen' for better flow.

When he turned her attention to him, he realized her head was tilted slightly back, and her lips were faintly pursed

The pronouns are fishy.
Either: When he turned his attention to her
Or: When she turned her attention to him


Typographically, I'd say the second was intended, however structurally (considering the rest of the sentence), it should be the first.

Evidently however long she'd spent turning from the younger version to the excited woman who nearly tackled him -- gravity manipulation was starting to be a real necessity, not just a perk -- wasn't enough to tone that down.

I like this thought in this paragraph, but it is not a good way to interrupt the main sentence. 'Wasn't' seems too far removed from 'long she'd spent' to connect the two.

I also would like to thank you for picking this up and seeing this portion through. I will say that I feel awkward making these suggestions since they are essentially asking you to stand in for Brian on any subjective and stylistic calls. To that end - and this really is implied anyway - take or leave what you will.


I do remember Brian at one point mentioning dropping the epigraphs at the beginning of each chapter. While I enjoy them, perhaps that is something that would subtly indicate where he left off and you picked up; especially after the entire work is complete. I know with IYD I have trouble IDing who wrote which chapters. I can be a social oaf (and computer boards make it worse), so if this paragraph steps on toes or crosses a line, I apologize.


Again, sincere thanks for undertaking this.

[Dracos]

Sorry to hear someone just finding out, but don't worry on being an oaf.  We all understand talking about these things are awkward.

*cheers hal on*

[Rukatin]

I don't mean to sound impatient, but when's the next chapter going to be up?