[Vitriolic Review] [Haruhi] This is Haruhi on Drugs

[Brian]

Hello.  This review is being posted by request of the original author.  He e-mailed me directly and asked for this.  So:

>As she opened the clubroom door, she noticed that no one was in the room., an oddity considering Haruhi, Yuki, or Itsuki were always there before her.

Grammar: There's a mispunctuation here.  I think instead of '.,' you want simply ','.

Narrative: Noting you're using given, not family names, for the entire cast.

>Mikuru blinked and then was tackled by a certain yellow-headband wearing goddess.

So, the narrator calls Haruhi a 'goddess', a fannon convention.  Looking closer, this appears to be a specific shout-out to SuperStar Ultra and his perpetuated mistake (adopted from a fan who watched the anime, and didn't read the novels).  (/me makes a note of this for the article "'Crack-fiction' as a popularity contest" he's working on.)

Let's step back a bit:

>Mikuru turned around....

As a suggestion, break lines containing actions from other characters out into their own paragraphs.  In other words, you would revise it like so:

>Mikuru turned around, looking for the source of the laugh. She saw nothing. "H-hello?" she asked timidly.
>
>There was no reply. Mikuru blinked and then was tackled by a certain yellow-headband wearing goddess.
>
>"Kya!" Mikuru exclaimed, as she was forced to the ground by Haruhi. "S-S-Suzumiya-san, w-what's going on?" She asked, even more frightened of the psychotic brigade leader than usual.
>
>Haruhi cackled like a maniac.

This smooths out your narrative flow a bit.

Furthermore, this:

>"S-S-Suzumiya-san, w-what's going on?" She asked...

is grammatically incorrect.  You have written it as joining these two sentences and then capitalized the 'She' of the second sentence.  Simplest solution is to simply lower-case the "she".

I note you used an elipses and terminated it with a period.  This is grammatically correct, and doing that wrong is one of my pet peeves, so good work on that one. :)

>"What's going on, you ask? Oh, nothing, just this....

More action/dialog mixed into the same paragraph.  There's no hard-and-fast rule about that, but.

That first elipses terminates a sentence, except the next bit of prose is supposed to be led into it -- drop the period trailing the elipses to make it grammatically correct.  'said, sneering' is redundant; I suggest replacing it with 'sneered'

Strong repetition of 'as' -- suggest dropping the second and adding a 'while' in the sentence later.

Not sure how to feel about putting 'fridge logic' into the narrative; it feels awkward and a bit heavy-handed, almost as though you're trying to appeal to tropers, but also too lazy to write her reaction beyond 'trope -> panic'.  Aside from which, wouldn't this be 'fridge horror'?

>"S-S-Suzumiya, please, no!" she begged....

I will reiterate my suggestion on breaking individual character actions into their own paragraphs here a final time, and leave it at this; it'll take way too much time for me to point out every instance, and you may choose not to revise.

>"Harunyan, Harunyan, can I have some....

Suggest breaking off the sentence after 'asked,' and starting a new one -- otherwise it's a tangled run-on.

This narrator is really biased -- refers to characters as goddesses, obnoxious, etc.  Perhaps that's intentional; I'm just noting it here.

>"I don't have any goddamn smoked cheese....

That dialog should end with a comma, since it leads into narrative.

>Kyon gets an Anal Probe

This is, evidently, a scene-change?  Another chapter entirely?  Not quite sure what's going on here -- the formatting could use some work to clarify it.

>It was an obscure message, but Yuki Nagato was an obscure girl....

Not sure I follow Yuki Nagato being an 'obscure' girl.  Kyon's seen her enough ... hasn't he?  There's a certain lack of explanation for when this is set, so I'm not sure how well he knows her at the time.

>-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

There's a scene divider here?  But not before the new header?

>"I need you to get inside, right now." She said....

Another last time I'll point this out: When you connect dialog to narration, they are a single sentence.  The narration doesn't get capitalized normally, but here are some examples of proper interconnections to show you how it should be done:

>"And once more, I find myself stuck in some stupid example dialog," Kyon groused, scuffing the ground with one shoe while waiting for the other to drop.
>
>At his side, Haruhi raised an eyebrow, dryly remarking, "Your character gets butchered a hell of a lot less than mine in these things, you know."
>
>"Flanderization seems unavoidable," Koizumi mused, "so why not make the most of it?"

>"Um, um, Nagato-san, do you have any ideas?" Mikuru whimpered.  "About how we could escape?"

>Looking up from her 'Escape from the School' light novel, Yuki offered a single quiet, "No," before turning her attention back.

That actually covers most uses right there.

>"You are troubled by my message....

Your 'voice' for Yuki is way off, in my opinion.  This is expospeak, not her usual technobabble; basically, it's too easy to understand and also just not concise enough.  Moreover, I can't see her saying 'Luckily'.

>Kyon blinked. Simple enough. Everything should turn out fine. "So...how are you going to isolate the nanobots?" he asked. Nagato's eyes gleamed as she pulled up a long large hose-like object. "I must probe your rectum."

This is grammatically incorrect -- you have dialog from two characters in a single paragraph, an absolute no-no, unless both speakers are saying the exact same thing.  The descriptions here are incredibly lacking.  Pulled up a hose-like object from _where_?  Connected to what?  How did he not see it?

You should have him see it when he first enters the room and dismiss it as unimportant until she picks it up, turning it into Checkov's gun and not leaving it as (I must make the pun:) an ass-pull.

>It was a fairly regular day in the SOS Brigade Clubroom. But we're not focusing on what's happening in there, even though there's pie. That's right readers, I'm cheating you out of your pie. What do you have to say to that?

Fourth wall broken.  I'm guessing that's intentional, but here's a side-effect of doing that:

The narrator's voice is now _yours_.  Those opinions (from my view) directly reflect upon you.  In other words, when you write this and say something like 'obnoxious chibi' or 'psychopath', I infer those are your views of the canon characters, and you are unable to keep them out of the narrative.  This feels unspeakably disrespectful to the original work.

>"Will you shut up already? We've been trying to come up with a diabolical plan for days and you've done nothing but bother us." Fujiwara said, carelessly breaking down the fourth wall. A confused Kyouko blinked.

This joke falls flat because the fourth wall was already broken in narration.  Reiterating it in dialog doesn't really add much.

>"We need to think of something wicked; something eldritch, something...." Fujiwara said, stroking his chin, wondering if he would look eviler with a goatee. Fools! I am the only one evil enough to be the main villain! I will usurp both Sasaki and that computer guy as the big bad. I will be the enemy! BWAHAHAHAHAHA *sigh* ...god, I'm pathetic.

'Eldritch' doesn't connotate 'bad', which I think is what you're going for.  Just 'ancient' or 'old' and also 'mystical'.  I think I would suggest 'nefarious' instead.

>"U GAEZ I KNOE!" Kuyo shouted waving her hands. "we cpuld uze VAMPUREZ cuz dey suck blud an dosnt afrad uv nythin!1" Kuyo received several cold stares, before Sasaki once again smacked her in the head.

There should be a comma between 'shouted' and 'waving'.  The internet-shorthand/leet joke (to me) falls flatter than water on the surface of Jupiter's crystaline core.  That's a personal bias, so I'll leave it at that observation in an effort to remain constructive.

>Kyouko on the sidelines was quiet. Sasaki-san is so wonderful. One day, I want to be with her and confess my love to her and kidnap her and marry her and take her up to my room and tie her up and smother her in whipped cream and....

First sentence is stilted.  It seems to be missing some words or requiring a reorder.  I'll leave that up to you.

>Well? What do you think? I managed to warp these characters' personalities into OOC, over the top, perverted messes. Seems to be going pretty well. Give me suggestions, plz, in review form or in a pm.

My takeaway from this is: You don't care for the original content at all.  I honestly don't understand why you're using the premise of the original cast, as this is so inherently disrespectful and unambitious in terms of striving to tell a cohesive (or even 'good') story.  I happen to very much like the Haruhi Suzumiya series, and while I cannot know your true intent (you seemed genuine when you asked me for feedback), I get an unmistakable sense you care nothing for the original characters whatsoever.

Moreover, there's a notable lack of internal consistency or cohesive narrative.  Thematically, I got one real 'joke', and that was the second 'scene' involving 'anal probing'.

Bluntly: This is a very poor effort at writing -- your target audience of peers seem to follow the premise of 'using the names of the Haruhi cast and posting in the Haruhi section ... while having nothing to do with the original series'.  My suggestion?

Try writing a real story, so I can get a better grasp of what you're doing.  This story came across as a disrespectful bash.  I will hope that this is unintentional on your part, and press on.  You have assured me in your e-mail that the writing quality picks up in later chapters, and I intend to hold you to that.

Well, so goes chapter one.  Moving on to chapter two now....

[Brian]

>Itsuki calmly walked home, with his usual smile plastered to his face, after another long, ludicrous brigade meeting in which Haruhi attempted. He opened the door, passing by his mother who kept her face away from the viewers to remain as anonymous as possible, because who in the right mind would want to appear in this fanfic, and entered his room. Sitting there was a decaying pale humanoid creature with leathery bat-like wings and red glowing eye sockets, chewing on potato chips.

First sentence is incomplete.  Haruhi attempted what?

For revision, I would suggest cutting it in half anyway; the first part is very bland, too.  Koizumi comes across as even more two-dimensional than usual.  Also, 'ludicrous'?  Is that the narrator's opinion, or Koizumi's?

Another fourth wall violation, and in a run-on sentence (try cutting it into smaller sentences).

>"Welcome back, Koizumi." the monster said, shoving another handful of fried potato slices into his mouth and making loud crunching sounds. His yellowed knife-like teeth showed with his massive grin. Itsuki took a seat at the desk in his room, pulling a familiar black notebook out of a drawer, which he hid under his pictures of Kyon in a swimsuit.

First sentence is awkward.  The thing is literally filling his mouth with chips and then making chewing noises -- not actually chewing.  I would suggest revising this for clarity, probably something like:

>"Welcome back, Koizumi," the monster cackled, shoving another handful of chips into its maw and chewing loudly.

Secondly, Koizumi's action is jumbled and innacurate; he did not just hide the notebook, he 'had hidden' it, as it is no longer concealed in context.

>"Hello Orcus." Itsuki said, opening up the notebook and preparing to write down the names of those who dared to stand in his way. "Just another perfect day for dispensing justice." he said, turning to face the potato chip-addicted Shinigami. "Soon, all that oppose me shall fall, and then Kyon will be mine and mine alone!"

The first two sentences here have a very repetitive stucture; I'd try and rearrange those to enliven it a bit, and make it more engaging.

>Orcus burped and passed Itsuki the chip bag, as Itsuki began to write the name of his first victim.

This comma is not required.

>Mi... Ku... Ru....
>
>Itsuki laughed as he wrote down the name of his first enemy. Writing names with my right hand, and grabbing a snack with my left, I'll take a potato chip and...hey, wait a second...!

The spacing concerning your elipses is inconsistent.  You have no spaces between 'and' and 'hey' (and their shared elipses), but you do have them between the sylables of Mikuru's name -- as well as the fact that you're capitalizing the first letter of every phenome.  A possible nod to the hiragana/katakana?  I'm really unsure -- but you are writing in English, so that means it's grammatically incorrect here.

>"By "righteous justice", you mean getting rid of anyone who Kyon might prefer to you? Which are almost every vaguely attractive female humanoid in the universe and a few males?"

While not a hard-and-fast rule of grammar, it's generally advisable that you use single quotes when nesting inside dialog (and also throughout narrative to avoid confusion).

>"Almost... done...just...one...more...level...." Yuki said, furiously cutting down lizard-like humanoids. She had been playing for thirty-five hours straight, her eyes now metaphorically glued to the screen, neglecting to go to North High and observe Haruhi's behavior. Now Emiri and Achakura had arrived for an intervention.

This is, bluntly, very weak exposition.  Try and set up the joke better and start the scene by explaining why the interfaces are there, and _then_ go to dialog.

Also, I note that Emiri refers to her as 'Yuki', 'Nagato' and 'Nagato-san' in that order -- this is a failure in internal consistency.  Pick one and stick with it.  (For Emiri, probably 'Nagato-san' is most correct.)

>Yuki stared at the screen, her body completely still. Emiri sighed; glad she had been able to hack the account. Achakura stared at Yuki.

This semicolon should be a comma.

>I'll take a meme... AND OVERUSE IT!

That you most certainly did.

>Next Time, on This is Haruhi on Drugs:...I don't know, does anyone have any ideas? PM me or, better yet, leave it in a review!

On a personal note, I don't respect that you write this without a goal or aim, and are asking other people to give you ideas.  That suggests that you're not striving for art or expression at all, and are instead grasping for attention.

An unfortunate connotation, and hopefully (I cling to this hope, no matter how feeble and dwindling it is), it only _seems_ that way.

>Review for a magic cupcake.

Don't....  Please, don't beg for reviews or promise impossible things in exchange for them -- this behavior is pathetic.  If your writing is worth reviewing, it'll get reviews.  The _only_ thing more pathetic than this is posting a snippet saying some character from the original series (which you aren't even using, in my comprehension of things) is _demanding_ the reviews on your behalf.

Certainly, it reduces my respect for the effort.  This website is not a place to ask for reviews, unless you're just looking for attention, and don't actually care to improve.  Asking an author you respect, or joining a more critical writing community, those are good signs that you're actually seeking to improve, not just get attention.  But you have no way to deliver a magic cupcake (or a real one, given you don't know where I am), so promising one.... 

In summary:

I have a very bad feeling that you wanted me to encourage you, not tell you the truth about what you write.

But I will make good on my promise, so, we push on.

To chapter three.

[Brian]

>The first story is by request from superstarultra himself! See if you can identify the 2001 reference!

Yes, like begets like.  I can see the self-feeding cycle of turning my favorite fandom into a popularity contest being perpetuated, now.

Saddening.

But I am a man of my word, and you did ask me to do this.  So we press on:

>Warning! Severe OOCness ahead!

Even more severe than the earlier content?  I somehow doubt that's possible, but let's see.

>The Data Overmind floated in his vague data-space, contemplating how to find a way to prevent Kyon's threat. I need someone other than Yuki to watch him... and I need to keep him from getting to close to her... and then then there's that stupid Sky Canopy Domain... stupid John Smith and his stupid threats to reveal his stupid identity to Haruhi... it's hard being a near omnipotent alien god attempting to research a reality warper... I've got it!

Kyon is alternately 'Kyon' and 'John Smith' here.  I don't get a strong sense that the entity considers them separate beings, so it should choose a single name and stick with it.  (Internal consistency error, again.)

>"The Overmind has sent us as further monitors of your behavior. We are required to remain near you. Death and lack of involvement in the story mean nothing to us." Emiri said in her usual monotone voice, as Yuki held the book she was reading up to hide the fact that she was experiencing the human emotion commonly known as anger. Kyon gulped and hoped that this was some sort of joke, or at least that the two might leave soon. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of his troubles.

I don't believe Emiri uses a monotone.  I also don't understand why they would be 'further' monitors, since the implication until that point is that Kyon is not at all monitored, and those two were specifically assigned to address that.

>"HOLY CRAP RYOKO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Kyon shouted as he attempted to prevent Ryoko from seeing his "little entity."

I reiterate my suggestion about narrative/nested quotes being single instead of double--  In this line, you perfectly demonstrate why it's not best practices, as it meshes with Kyon's dialog.

>"Do you need toilet paper?" Emiri said, holding up a roll to Kyon from under the door, as Kyon decided that he could hold it in and ran out of the bathroom.

This is clumsy and quite a bit stilted.  Kyon's action should at least be a separate sentence, if not a new paragraph.

>Kyon opened the door to his house, exhausted from all the alien hijinx. He plopped himself on his bed, and looked up at the ceiling. At least I'm safe from them here. He thought, as he turned his head to the side... and noticed Ryoko.

You mispelled 'hijinks'.  When in doubt, wiktionary.

Kyon's thoughts are italicized (haven't bothered to preserve formatting here), but should be treated like normal dialog.  In other words, you should lead out of it and into narrative with a comma, just as if the thoughts were in double-quotation marks.  Likewise, the capitalization concerns I addressed in the first round of this review cycle should be taken into consideration.

>"I'm sorry Kyon, I'm afraid I can't do that." Ryoko said with her creepy Itsuki-esque grin. Kyon tried to run out the door, and bumped into Emiri, holding a sweater.

Given my own (evident) reputation as a Koizumi-basher, I find it ironic to be telling you that your narrator is bashing on Koizumi, here.

>"You need to wear this." She said, holding up the orange wool sweater that had "Kyon" sewn into it. This is where Kyon started crying.

Last time I'll mention the 'single quotes' for highlited words in narrative vs. double-quotes.

That last line is an exceptionally bland delivery; it's a textbook example of telling and not showing.  Give me a moment to collect myself and gather the strength to give you a suggestion of how you may wish to do it:

>Those were the words that finally broke the last of Kyon's resistance, reducing him to a blubbering mass huddled in the corner of the upstairs hall, too broken to risk going in.

Just telling us what happens is weak storytelling; you need to show the little details that actually make up a scene, or else we're reading a synopsis, not a real story.

>Kyon walked into the SOS brigade clubroom, with sunken, blood-shot eyes and wearing his orange sweater, as Ryoko and Emiri walked behind him. The only one in the room was Yuki, who looked like she was ready to tear up the book she was reading. As Kyon sat down, husk-like, Yuki stood up, stomping her feet.

Bloodshot is a single word.  I haven't been touching on this enough, but I can see it's an issue in the previous chapters that I did not adequately comment on.  Yuki's reaction is another instance of telling, not showing.  The final sentence helps a bit, by giving her a specific action to show her feelings insead of just telling us.

'Husk-like' is not something I'm familiar with.  Husks don't usually do much, so this is right back to the 'telling, not showing' issue.

>It took less than a second for the universe to implode.

This is ... very weak.  To be honest, while I've been trying to avoid commenting on the content of your story (it is, generally, incredibly offensive and (to me) in the worst possible taste)....   This feels like an attack on the series and Kyon, and saying, "The trump card is BS and wouldn't work."  It lends to the (feeble hope) unintentional 'I have zero respect for the original series!' vibe your story is pushing.

>Floating in subspace, The Overmind cursed. God dammit... well hopefully superstarultra likes the story.

You got the capitalization of his name wrong.  Also, I can't help but feel this is right back to trying to turn your fic into a popularity contest by sucking up to an author you obviously respect.  It doesn't serve your story, and is more appropriate for an after-chapter omake or the author's notes.

My grandmother's side of the family is Canadian, incidentally.  We have a sense of humor, but that segment was just dull -- I admit I only skimmed it.  Script format is banned on fanfiction net, as a reminder.

Moving on to four, with my rapidly dwindling hope that you wish to improve, and a growing suspicion that you wanted to pad your review count.

Well, you've gotten more reviews, just like you asked....

[Brian]

Pressing on with my duty to review your story, as you have e-mailed me directly and asked me to.  (This is also for the benefit of people who read my review other than you -- so they understand that you asked for this, and I didn't seek you out.)

>Sitting around a table in a poorly lit room were five ominous figures. The lead figure spoke up. "In the quiet darkness, you stand before the gates to the Iron City of Dis, wherein lies the Archdemon Baal Kane, who was plagued you for many a year with his legions of undead. As the gates creak open, blazing fire lights the darkness as emerges the most horrid abomina-."

Very poor establishing scene.  None of the figures are defined enough (even just in terms of positioning) for us to understand what a 'lead' figure is in context.

'was plagued' -- 'has plagued' (?)

The narrative has repetition of 'as', but it's spoken, so that may be intentional.  Characters do not have to be grammatically correct, even if the narrative should be.

>"Um, we're...using it...." the Computer Club President explained. Oh god, if she starts playing D&D I can only dread the things that could happen....

The computer club president does not know Haruhi has powers.

>"Haru-chan~! I'll let you borrow my D&D stuff~!" the fifth player exclaimed, who just so happened to be The4thEmperor, as he stood up carrying a massive stack of D&D rulebooks, miniatures, dice, maps, and character sheets.

And a blatant cameo/self-insert.  Something else that does not engender my respect, incidentally.

>Haruhi, wearing the most over-the-top wizard outfit, complete with a vampire cape and a large staff, loomed over the table. Yuki was dressed in her witch costume, Itsuki as a crusader, Mikuru as some sort of bondage princess, and Kyon in a gaily colored jester's uniform.

'the most' phrase feels incomplete, like somewhere else in that sentence there should be something to complete/conclude it.  Ie., "the most" <over the top etc.> "ever".

This is inconsistant to the Haruhi ... forgot the name of it.  There's a light novel spinoff by Tanigawa where they actually do become fantasy characters.  Kyon is a warrior, Koizumi is a bard.  You may not have known it -- in any case, it feels like another Kyon-bash, something else that I detest.

'some sort of bondage princess' is a very vague description.  More telling, and not showing.

Script format is still banned on this website, incidentally.

Yuki at one point says "+2", and at another point "plus three".  Internal consistency failure.  Later she goes "+3" again.

More Haruhi bashing Kyon pointlessly.

>Haruhi's D&D group is a lot less frustrating than mine.

As an GM and player of over two decades in multiple systems (going back to D&D second edition (not advanced)): If your gaming/GMing style is anything like your writing here, I can understand why your players don't cooperate.

This was more poorly written than the previous chapters, honestly.  Clumsily put together, and the use of script format feels exceptionally lazy.

>Also, don't tell Haruhi, but I think superstarultra might actually write a HaruhixThe4thEmperor fic. :3

*sigh*  I have to honestly hope not -- I've talked with SSU and I like to think he's more reasonable than that.

I could be wrong.

My last bits of hope that you're treating the cast so disrespectfully on accident are starting to fade.

On to chapter five.

[Brian]

Okay.  I don't read 'stylistic suck' of this level.  Simply put, this chapter isn't worth my time.  If you can't be bothered to write coherently, I can't be bothered to read it.  I know you asked me to read and give you commentary, but I have to draw a line somewhere, and it's reading this chapter.

Hiding behind the label of pretending a canon character wrote it does not in any way justify this.

In a sense, I am actually pleased about this, as it spares me having to comment on this chapter's details.

Bluntly: This is not an acceptable level of writing quality, even in parody.  The art of storytelling is based on communication.  Intentionally doing that poorly fails to tell a story.

There is the shield of 'style', but if it crosses the line of 'comprehensible', then it's an utter writing failure.  This is almost as bad as doing something like writing a bashy trollfic and listing it under categories as 'Tragedy/Crime,' or writing in English and listing it as 'Spanish.'

It's a cheap laugh for you, at the expense of subverting the intent of the system.  It's anarchistic, and I have zero respect for it.

Unfortunately, this chapter is a failure in every sense -- I can't be troubled to determine what the content of this chapter is supposed to be.  It's not even legible.

>...that was really bad... I need a drink... look forward to the multi-part Christmas special....

I am in fact looking forward to the next chapter.

Because it's the last.

You have successfully crushed my hope that you truly wish to improve or write anything of quality.  Only my sense of duty compells me forward.

To the final chapter, then.

[Brian]

>Santa Claus was a lie, Kyon had known for most of his life, and his gifts were fairly subpar, so he was apathetic towards the holiday until he had met Haruhi. Then he really started to hate the holiday. Haruhi had demanded that they wait in line for three hours at KFC to get the traditional Japanese Christmas meal of fried mutated chicken, only to find out that they were sold out, which caused Haruhi to create a massive closed space that was only solved when Kyon let Itsuki hold his hands and breath on him. After Haruhi's brief yaoi fantasy was satisfied, she then had Kyon dress up as the "Elf of Christmas Joy" and sing off-key carols. This had imprinted a deep loathing of the holiday into Kyon's brain, associating Christmas with Haruhi's antics, which were heightened by the holiday it seemed.

This paragraph is clumsily large.  The last sentence is very awkward, but at this point I'm about as apathetic to giving you suggestions as you are to writing anything of quality.

>A mastodon fur-clothed caveman that bore a massive resemblance to Kyon sat by a cave a fire burning next to him as he shivered, snow covering the ground like icing on the cake. He was hit in the hit with a bone by a cavewoman that bore a massive resemblance to Haruhi, who then walked off. Sighing, he looked up at the sky, then he realized something.

Should be 'mastodon-fur-clothed'.  'Massive' is not the best word -- perhaps 'uncanny'?  'Striking'?  'Inexplicable'?

a cave a fire -- a cave, a fire

hit in the hit -- hit in the head (?)

Last sentence is awfully stilted.  Suggest rewording.

>"Hey! Wait a moment! Jesus wasn't even born yet! How can we be celebrating Christmas if it hasn't been invented yet!" Cave Kyon exclaimed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant pterodactyl ridden by a caveman that bore a massive resemblance to Seto Kaiba swooped down and snatched up Cave Kyon.

Oh, I see--  I'd suggest 'Cave-Kyon' instead of 'Cave Kyon', and likewise with 'Ghost Koizumi'.  Whichever alternative you choose to 'massive', I suggest switching them up a bit to avoid repetition.

>Kyon found himself stuck at the end of the hallway. There was nothing left to do, so grabbed a little Santa and flung it towards Robot Ghost Haruhi like a cross. Robot Ghost Haruhi reeled back, hissing. "No! Curse you Kyon!"
>
>Kyon moved in closer, clutching the mini-Santa. "The power of Santa compels you... the power of Santa compels you!" he exclaimed as Robot Ghost Haruhi attempted to flee. He plunged the Santa figurine into the Robot Ghost's heart. The mechanical specter hissed as it dissolved away. "I'll... be... back...."

Internal logic failure.  Kyon threw the Santa, and then he was holding it.

The final instance of 'Robot Ghost' should not be capitalized, as it's used as a descriptor, not a title or in lieu of a proper name.

>Kyon slumped to the ground, looking over at the Santa Claus figurine, now lying among the ashes of the slain robo-ghost.

Dissolved, or turned into ashes?

>The next day, Kyon burst into the clubroom, clad in a Santa suit. "HO HO HO, BITCHES!" he exclaimed, receiving stares from the brigade members.

That should be, "HO, HO, HO, B*&$^@!" and I feel dirty for having to make that correction.

the brigade members -- the other brigade members

Elsewhere in this story (rather, your stories in general, all of which are under this same title), you capitalize 'Brigade'.  Be consistent.

>"I am no longer the Kyon you knew, Haruhi!" Kyon exclaimed, jumping up onto the table Haruhi, Yuki and Itsuki was sitting at, accidentally spilling the tea Mikuru was carrying all over Itsuki.

was sitting -- were sitting

>"If by high, you mean high above the human conscious and reaching a new level of realization; then yes, yes I am! For you see I have discovered the true meaning of Christmas! I am now SANTA KYON!" Kyon yelled, striking a pose

Missing end-punctuation.  That semi-colon should be a comma.  "high" should be in single-quotes for emphasis.

Okay.  I have endured your fic.  The quality ... to put it bluntly, the quality and content were so bad, you actually triggered an emotional shutdown in me.  Normally, I rage over things like this.

I forced myself through it and feel numb, damaged by the quality of what I've endured.

I honestly cannot find any redeeming qualities in what you've written at all, beyond the fact that you mostly use elipses correctly (but even then, not always) and asked for help.  Or did you?  Did you just want to get me to post reviews and increase your count?  A depressing thought, though a real possibility.

I'm going to be brutal here (even moreso than before).  I feel justified because, as I must keep reiterating, you asked for this.  You really did.

I don't feel you have any respect for the original canon whatsoever.  This fic, entirely, feels like an attention-ploy, a popularity contest, a blatant grab for reviewcount and positive feedback without being willing to put genuine effort into it.

The content comes across like a hateful attack against the original canon, and the entire fan community.  Having read the entire thing, it's very, very difficult for me to respect you, because you don't respect the canon.  Quite honestly, this isn't really even crack fiction.

As my peers and I have been discussing, these trollfics (and that is what they are, make no bones about it) border almost on hatefics, and the self-feeding cycle here is depressing.  As others have said, and I feel compelled to reiterate, your story is canon-defilement.  The inanity, 0-attention-span-investment....

One or two of these fics in a fandom would be alright.  The fact that everyone is now doing them just turns something bad into an epidemic of poor quality that drags the entire fandom down.

In summary:

I like the original Haruhi cast.  It's blatantly obvious that you do not -- and the same goes for anyone who leaves a positive review or 'favorites' this travesty.  I suffered through this abysmal attack on good writing; that's on me for making the offer in the first place.

It's on you for writing troll fiction.

So, I have to ask.  Did you really want to improve?  Did you just want to (for some reason) try and get a positive review from me, not understanding how much I hate the type of fic you write?  Or, worse, did one of your 'friends' think it would be 'funny' to play a trick at your (and my) expense, sending you to me, knowing how I would react?

I do note that one of your reviewers (JonBob008, in point of fact), once _plagarized himself for attention_, and when I confronted him on his puppet-account, he claimed to be SuperStar Ultra (throwing his 'friend' under a bus), while also asking me to give his own fic positive reviews (as 'SSU', mind you), so the possibility we are both being trolled here is very real.  Admittedly, it's possible that SSU was lying about not being the puppet, but having spoken with SSU once in the past, I'm more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt than JonBob008.

If that last supposition is the correct one, well.  That certainly answers that.



So, yes.  I do review still, upon request.  Just be careful what you ask for.