Brian Randall - 1/2014

[Grahf]

Dammit. Just. Dammit.

I think all I can really say is that I hope that he's found the peace that he didn't find here.

I wish that I could have gotten the chance to know him better.

[Ranma_007]

I got the email, and checked the boards. Damnit. Man, that hurts.

I really enjoyed reading Brian's fics and hanging out with him on IRC. I'm not around as much these days (full time job, full time school, and a kiddo will do that to you), but man, every time I would log in, it would seem that he would be one of the folks to greet me. Back in the earlier part of the last decade, I was on more frequently, and would chat with the IRC regulars, including Brian. I even vaguely remember the Delphi forums (man, was it that long ago? Geez.).

I hate it when folks make that decision to commit suicide rather than get the help they need. Reflecting on myself, I was in such a bad spot 10-12 years ago. I practically wanted to sleep my life away. Comparing the prior self to now, I'm a completely different person. There is hope. Life is meant to be lived.

I saw a video recently that reminded me of the old times - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc . I would hope that folks who are in similar situations (depression) take note, and realize that there is hope and alternatives to suicide. Help is out there.

Damn, man. This sucks. Godspeed, Brian.

[Silver]

I only exchanged a few emails or forum posts with Brian, so I mostly only knew him as an author, not as a person. But, he had an impact on me.

I read "Bridge of Birds" because Brian kept name-dropping it in his stories. I stayed up all night reading that book, and cried at the end.

"Cut wood, carry water" has become one of my favorite bits of wisdom from any source after I ran across it in "In Your Dreams." I don't know if putting that anecdote in was Brian's or Halbarad's idea, since that story was co-authored, but it's helped me more than a few times and I'm grateful it's there.

I love how Brian could write meditative, philosophical pieces that make you think about how to live well. "Later," "memento mori," and "Ephemeral" (co-authored with Sarsaparilla), for example. These sorts of Brian's work strike me as some of the most thoughtful, worthwhile fanfiction I've come across, and I feel like I became a little better as a person for reading them.

I love how he wrote the grownup Hinamizawa crowd and their peaceful lives in the countryside. I discovered Higurashi at a particularly bad time in my own life, when I was just looking for some bloody entertainment to feel numb to. Instead, I found an inspiring story about struggling onward against impossible odds, and it became one of my favorites. When I found Brian's stories about those characters as people who overcame, grew up, built a life together, and found peace, it made me feel like any wound can heal.

I love how he wrote Kyon as a burgeoning sage, a calm and stoic person whose strength is in his friendships and who seeks good with a minimum of fuss or wasted motion, though with inevitable snarkiness. From how he kept returning to Haruhi stories and this characterization of Kyon, I've wondered in the past if this Kyon is Brian's idealized self, someone he had the seeds of and wanted to become. I have no idea whether that's the case, since I didn't know Brian. But his Kyon is an admirable person, and has become someone I aspire to be more like.

I sent him fanart of his stories a few times. He is one of only two fanfiction authors I've done that for. I don't have any real artistic talent, to the point that even giving him the pictures was massively embarrassing, but I wanted to show some gratitude somehow for his stories. He seemed to appreciate the pictures, and thanked me for sending them.

The first review on my favorite piece of my own fanfiction was from Brian, just to let me know that he really liked and enjoyed the piece. Since Brian said many times that anyone who wants his critique should come here to the Soulriders, I kept telling myself that I'd drop in with a rough draft or two to get some writing workshopping with these folks he seemed to enjoy so much--just as soon as I had something really worth working on. It was silly of me to keep holding off.

Rest in peace, Brian. I don't know if Yrne really does await, but it damn well better. I wish I could have let you know how much of an impact you've had on people you've hardly spoken with.

[hga]

I saw a video recently that reminded me of the old times - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc . I would hope that folks who are in similar situations (depression) take note, and realize that there is hope and alternatives to suicide. Help is out there.

True.  But a few notes on this World Health Organization video and commentary and depression et. al.:

It seems to be the case that depressed people by and large don't exercise, there's a chicken and egg problem there.

The featured sufferer of depression Matthew Johnstone says if you do the right things, "black dog days can and will pass" and while quibbling a bit after that, also says it can essentially be made rather small.

The WHO comment that "[...] depression is largely preventable and treatable." is a lot more accurate.  Some people have refractory cases of it; I know this the hard way, it's even genetic, a maternal uncle preceded me in my path to eventually disabling anxiety and depression.

In my case, we've concluded I don't have standard "unipolar affective disorder" (normal "depression") but depression of a bipolar nature (I never go manic unless prescribed the wrong medicine).  Cognitive therapy, which Johnstone touched upon can make a lot of difference (and for me ironically ended the effectiveness of talking therapy), and I keep copies of the current edition of that book to give to people who are having problems.  Drugs can also make a big difference, and nowadays there are a wide variety to chose from, many with little to essentially no noticeable side effects.

But that doesn't mean there's going to be a cure for everyone: there is at this time no reasonable hope things will get markedly better for me (e.g. no drugs in the pipeline, no form of therapy untried); much of what I do and have done was expressed so very well by the creator of Evangelion, "Living by not dying" (describing the four years between Nadia and Eva, and if you want to understand the TV ending of the latter, among other things study cognitive psychology).

My alternative to suicide seems to be some form of bloody-minded stubbornness, it's simply unthinkable, and I maintain the will to look both ways before crossing the street no matter what.  Which obviously isn't the case for everyone....

- Harold

[Arkytal]

I never spoke to Brian, only read from afar as many others have, and with my own rough patches in life appearing in the past few weeks, this terrible news, more than anything else, jerked me awake. I am deeply saddened that he is no longer with us, and I give my condolences to those that knew him. I waited with bated breath for the next chapter of KBDH, always so sure of its' coming. Now that I know this will remain an unfinished tale, it just shows how temporary just about anything is, even life.

I just hope that he's in a better place now, or possibly reborn onto this very planet, ready to make his time alive that much better.

Thank you for informing us, and though it may become just a passing bad memory to some of us, those of whom it will affect the rest of your lives, I'm deeply sorry for your loss, and hope that all of you will not fault him for his choice.

-Arkytal

[KLSymph]

At this moment I know that however much pride I take in my eloquence, that eloquence won't measure up to what Brian deserves.  I've always admired him, though I don't remember ever telling him so.  Thank you, Brian, for the fun we've had and the stories we've enjoyed over the years.  We'll all miss you.

[Edward]

I have lost another friend and the world has lost a great writer.


No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were:
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.
                    - John Donne

[Rezantis]

I haven't been speaking with Brian of recent times as much as I used to, though we still make a point of catching up and talking at times.

This news hurts, and I'm going to miss him.

[Kaldrak]

I don't know most of you.

Brian kept trying to get me involved on here, but I kept putting it off. He was always trying to get me to meet the rest of his online friends, to get me introduced to his buddies.

I first met Brian back in 2006. We worked at the same bookstore. He was my supervisor, one of the most laid-back, cool people I've ever met. We would spend most of our shifts just chatting with each other about this and that and everything. We went out to lunch and saw movies together.

I moved away in late 2007 and I never saw him in person again. Thought it was just circumstances. I moved away. I never had enough money for a flight down there. I was always broke.

I wish I could've seen him one more time.

Over the years we talked regularly. We played games online and skyped. I shared my life with him and he shared his with me. I don't have many good friends. It takes me a long time to form real relationships with people.

He was one of my truly close friends. And now he's gone.

I chatted with him the day before he died. I've been terribly sick the last few weeks. Fluid in my lungs. Case of pneumonia. Had a bad day and was complaining to him about how hard it was to breathe. He told me that we've all got our problems, but that things would get better.

Now this? Really man? REALLY???

We loved you. We told you that, didn't we? I told you that. You were one of my only friends.

I miss you already.

[sarsaparilla]

I miss you Brian ;_;

[Liddo-kun]

I'll be honest, I was not expecting this kind of news when I saw the e-mail suddenly pop up.  Going by the innocuous title I had assumed it was a birthday announcement, congratulations on Brian making it as a professional writer, or happy news of nuptials when I clicked on it.

I didn't chat with him on as frequent a basis as some of you, but I did get to know him and even spoke with him infrequently for quite a long time going back to his days on the FFML and the Ranma Delphi Forum.  I found his online personality to be an odd mixture.  He had strong, passionate opinions about the practice of writing fanfiction and what the relationship with readers should be like that was very idealistic and a type of charisma that made him somewhat magnetic.  At the same time he had a self-deprecating humility that was a mile long, which made him easy to converse with.  I didn't necessarily agree with all of his views, but I could at least say that I respected him as an individual and the point of view he took.

Through his efforts he has carved out a niche and made himself a name on the internet that won't soon be forgotten.  As long as people keep reading fanfiction the name Brian "Durandall" Randall will perpetuate and live on and that's an accomplishment that not many individuals can ever claim.

To all his family and friends, in real life and online, you have my condolences.

Sweet dreams, Brian.

[Dracos]

Spent much of today walking his family and friends through the will and his things.

I'll be getting some pictures soon hopefully, and will let folks know when the funeral is for any who can come. :(

[Arakawa]

I miss you Brian ;_;

I can only echo that statement. I thought these two days about what to write about Brian, but I'm still drawing a blank. It's one of those things... I did not know him well enough to understand what he was going through, but his death out of the blue like this hit me hard.

Like a bunch of other people here, I only found this place because of Brian (essentially, because he mentioned the site on his profile page when he was leaving ff.net). Even though he did not like my writing or my ideas, he still encouraged me to keep trying, and even though I gave him barely any reason to like me as a person, he was always polite and forgiving of my faults.

I hope at least the community he's gathered will keep things going on the writer's forum. I'll do my best; it really sucks that one of my reasons to make more of an effort is now going to be the untimely death of a good person.

Also, I want to thank Dracos for handling all of the mundane details... updating the websites, etc.. Many of us are just mourning remotely, but Drac actually has to pick up some of the pieces firsthand... the will, the family, the computer still logged onto IRC in the other room....

What a sucky turn of events :-(

I'll be getting some pictures soon hopefully, and will let folks know when the funeral is for any who can come. :(

Will not be practical for me, but I'll certainly keep an eye on when it is and down a glass of vodka in sympathy....

[Xsen]

When I saw the email I really thought that it was a birthday announcement or maybe a notice on some officially published book of his. And then I read it.

Can't really say I knew him all that well, after all, I've just been translating his fanfics into Russian, but judging by those few emails we exchanged he seemed like a nice person. And his writing always found it's way into my heart.

Goodbye, Brian, and may your soul rest in peace. Sos-dan.ru community and the world will miss you and your talent.

[Altes]

What the... This isn't a joke?

The man who inspired me to begin writing my own Haruhi fanfic, whom I wanted to surpass one day... ended like this, and so soon? I never even got to chat with him. This isn't fair.

God have mercy on his soul.