Evil Commentary Bureau vs When Life Kicks You In The Face

Started by KLSymph, September 21, 2003, 01:28:04 PM

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KLSymph

A good day to all and welcome to this edition of "Smack the Writer". Or, for those among the audience who enjoy the comforting illusion of civility, the Evil Commentary Bureau. Today we shall assess the writing of the story: "When Life Decides to Kicks You In The Face", by Osage-no-Onna, submitted recently by our senior Evil Commentator Dunefar. Unfortunately, Dunefar and the other ECB veterans are quite busy at the moment doing important things like "taking money from their employers", "consuming food to live", and the most vital "restoring the rest of the ECB archives" (HINT HINT), so the task falls upon the ignorant ECB intern who was foolish enough to actually volunteer for this job.

As is true for all Bureau productions, this Evil critique will be archived somewhere in the dark labyrinth of despair that is the Soulriders forum: http://www.pishoque.net/soulriders/
In accordance with ECB tradition, a single public response is allowed the recipient of the criticism, and may be emailed directly to the critic at KLSymph@hotmail.com, or left somewhere where he might happen upon it later on in life. Only one though, as even the interns of the Evil Commentary Bureau are incredibly busy people who cannot spare more than a token amount of time out of their busy schedules of "burning and looting o'er the countryside" to respond, so be sure to make it count.

"Evil Commentary Bureau vs When Life Kicks You In The Face"

*Begin ECB*

DISCAILMER I DO NOT OWN RANMA ½ OR WILL BE WRITING IT IN OTHER CHAPTERS

ECB: An excellent start to a story. No fanfic should be without a quality discailmer to denote what the writer does not own. However, I recommend the slightly less exotic "disclaimer". Although it is not quite as eye catching as its close relative the "discailmer", the common disclaimer traditionally contains the name of the actual owner of the source, and so is generally a much more useful device with which to begin a story.

NOTE: I once wrote the first chapter of this story got 19 reviews two months ago but deleted it later on thinking I wouldn't have time to write another chapter. Now I regret that so I'm writing it all over again. If you've read the original version this will contain some variations.

ECB: A good way to inform the reader, except for the slightly strange structure of the first sentence. There ought be an "and" before "got 19 reviews" and a comma before "but deleted it later".

Summary: Biased on Medieval times:

ECB: "Biased on Medieval times"? Oh dear goodness, a story should objective, not prejudiced against a certain time period in history. Why, with the political correctness that's all the rage these days, you could get into trouble saying things like that! How would the local Historical Society chapter feel if they knew that your story was biased? You could hurt somebody's feelings! I'm curious though, will this story be in Europe or Asia? After all, "medieval" refers to the European Middle Ages, but this is a Japanese story. Please do clear up this little confusion for me.

Akane is a feminist in a male dominated society. Ranma is a narcissistic man who only cares about himself (and his looks)

ECB: Really? I've never heard of such a thing! This must be a truly groundbreaking work in the Ranma 1/2 fandom. And if you really put some energy into it, you might even hit oil! Or no, wait, that's a septic tank. Ooh... you might want to wash off some of that originality off of yourself before trying again.

they don't hate each other, they loath being in each others company. Can it get any worse? Of course it can! Now they're engaged to their worst nightmare!

ECB: You're not a bad writer, you just slobber onto the page. And now I get to critique it! But the question is: will it get any better?

CHAPTER 1

"KYAAAAAAAAA!" A raven-haired girl screamed before successfully slicing another thick cement block in half as her elder sister looked down disapprovingly.

ECB: Hmm, that's a rather odd thing for a girl to be doing, slicing cement blocks. How can Akane be cutting cement blocks? It couldn't be with her hands, since no natural hand can slice. Is she using a sword? No, that can't be it, no edge would be able to keep at it for long before breaking. Maybe a saw or an axe? But those wouldn't last long either on dried cement. Ooh, wait, maybe she's cutting it with the writer's brilliantly sharp wit! So THAT's why the rest of the story is so dull, because Akane wore it down slicing cement bricks at the beginning of the story!

She wiped the sweat off her face with large amber eyes simmering with satisfaction, "There I think that does it for today."

ECB: And after a good five minutes of simmering, that satisfaction can be served to feed the entire family. Or maybe you mean shimmering, because at best "simmering" means that it's just starting to develop. May I recommend the modern miracle of the dictionary? It would really help you sound educated in your writing.

"Yes Akane," Nabiki advised, "Keep this up and you'll never get a husband."

ECB: If I close my eyes and believe, I can almost see in my mind what you were thinking when you decided to rip off Akane's introduction scene for this story, but I'm stymied by the stifling smog of anti-creativity that fills the cavern of your skull. Yet the odd thing is, this line actually fits your story premise better than the original did for Ranma 1/2's premise. That's amazing! Unfortunately, like all broken clocks, you only tell the right time once every twelve hours, and seeing how you clearly didn't spend nearly that much time on this story, you make no sense hereafter.

Nabiki knew she touched a sensitive string as her sister exploded into a fit.

ECB: It's almost as if that reaction is hard coded into Akane's character concept! Boy, Nabiki sure knows her little sister, doesn't she? By the way, Characterization just called. He wanted to remind you that unlike in a manga drawing, a story character isn't supposed to be two-dimensional.

"Who needs men!!!!!!

ECB: Was there a sale on exclamation marks somewhere? Or did you just have to find a use for all the old bowling pins you've collected over the years?

I can take care of the dojo all by myself! The whole world doesn't revolve around men! Don't tell me they've brain wash you already!!!"

ECB: Of course Nabiki got brainwashed into thinking that men have more power than women in both medieval European and Postclassical Japanese society. Just like how kids today are brainwashed into thinking that rich, educated people and massive corporations hold more power in society than the downtrodden, uneducated lower classes. There is just something about undeniable, omnipresent facts of life that leads to servile acceptance by people who are confronted with them every single moment of their natural existences. Even if Akane somehow doesn't accept this, Nabiki would have been brought up thinking that there was no alternative. But I'm sure you knew that from your pre-writing research and your strong grasp of common sense.

The auburn haired girl returned a sly smile. Her youngest sister Akane was the only female martial artist ever known.

ECB: No she isn't. That's complete rubbish. There's nothing about martial arts that is male-oriented. Women learned to fight just fine, and since "martial arts" in this time period was all about practicality, everyone learned how to defend him or herself. Constructing a situational foundation for a story requires t-h-o-u-g-h-t. Constructing one from ignorance is just asking your story to fall apart around you.

She was sixteen, which was supposably the age where all girls started dressing up nicely, acted cute found a husband and got married. Akane however continued despite their father's protest pursuing on her dream of becoming the leader of the Tendou Dojo.

ECB: ...But if she didn't have the approval of the master of the dojo, what difference would it make?

Her younger sister never had many friends. All the girls tended to avoid her as much as possible afraid to be seen with such an unfeminine as could be woman and to avoid the village's latest gossip. There where occasional people who where sympathetic to the tomboy. Akane didn't like to be with them it wasn't because she hated people but they where only with her more out of sympathy then friendship.

ECB: So, if all of the girls preferred to avoid her, the only people who would be sympathetic would be boys. But why would boys feel sympathy for someone who so obviously disliked boys? Are they all braindead?

It seemed that both she and Kasumi where Akane's only true friends even if they were sisters.

ECB: Except that Nabiki and Kasumi don't actually sympathize with her beliefs. Wonderful "true friends" they must be, since Nabiki clearly holds Akane's mindset in contempt and ridicules them openly as you show here, and Kasumi, being the most traditional member of the Tendou family, would be no different. So... the only thing about them that separates Kasumi and Nabiki from the rest of the community is... their closeness to Akane? That's not called being friends, that's called being sisters.

ECB: It's odd, you can obviously use a comma, but somehow you forget all about them after the first two times in this paragraph. Why is that? And why do you not proofread? Is it too hard for you to read your own writing? Think about everyone else who has to do so; your fans are losing intelligence with every word you type! You have a duty to not enfeeble your readers, so that one day they may go on to better things while you continue your trek through mediocrity!

"Of course not! Nothing can ever replace money in my heart!" Nabiki replied sarcastically.

ECBLogic: Psst! Hey Nabiki! All that money in the medieval period is only going to buy you another pair of sandals!
ECBNabiki: Why can't I buy stuff?
ECBLogic: No outside trade, and everything you can buy you can hand make!
ECBNabiki: But what about more food?
ECBLogic: Nope, you eat what you hunt and grow, just like everyone else. Everybody saves for the winter and no one's gonna sell to you.
ECBNabiki: What about influence?
ECBLogic: No way, villages are too small and have limited bureaucracy, and nobody cares about money anyway.
ECBNabiki: Well, what can I do to make a good life for myself then!?
ECBLogic: Well, for a woman, all you have to do is GET MARRIED!

ECB: I'm also rather confused as to what replacing something in Nabiki's heart has to do with brainwashing Nabiki into thinking that society is dominated by men.

"Then you should marry Kuno," Akane answered.

ECB: You really need to ventilate your mind. All that anti-creativity must be getting stale. I know that there isn't any one best way to open a person's mind, but I've always recommended heat-sterilized railway spikes to the temple.

She shook her short brown chestnut hair, "Nope, he doesn't like me as much as he loves you. Yes, you two would make a perfect match!"

ECB: She shook her... hair? Her HAIR? Why would she shake her hair and not her head to show disagreement? And that should be a period before the quote, not a comma.

A shiver went down Akane's spine. She hated Kuno. His real name was Tatewaki but everyone else called him Kuno out of respect or fear. Kuno Tatewaki was one of the richest people in the village and everyone was sure for some reason they where bound to marry because they where both hated from the common people. That very fact made Akane's blood boil. How dare they compare him with her? Kuno was delusional, it seemed that his father sent him somewhere where white people roamed and was educated in their land and now whenever he spoke it always rhymed or he stole it off some famous poet. Kuno walked around like if the world belonged to him. But the strangest thing of all was that he somehow loved her. And always threatened her saying, "If you beat me then I will date you Akane Tendou!"

ECB: Hoo, that's a lotta ranting. Now, since this is one of the most significant times in this story where you try to set the stage in the medieval period, I will generously go over in detail regarding how miserably you failed.

ECBSociety: First, by saying that Kuno is "one of the richest people" you imply that he's of the higher classes, and not a peasant. Kuno's behavior invites ridicule in the modern day society of Ranma 1/2 canon, but it is far from unacceptable or even strange for this setting; Kuno acting snobbish and lording his education over the peasantry makes complete sense when he actually IS of a higher class than everyone else. Akane, seeing how she mingles with "all the girls" and hasn't already been betrothed by sixteen winters of life, is clearly of the lower class. Mingling between the classes is most taboo in all feudal societies, Eastern and Western alike, and so this isn't even a possible issue, since Kuno cares quite a bit for the upper-class image, and chasing a lowly slip of a girl from a no-name family like the Tendou clan would be beneath one of his bearing and lineage. On the other hand, if he really wanted Akane for whatever reason, she'd be installed as his concubine and that would that. What choice would Akane have? She's dirt compared to Kuno, just like the rest of the village.

ECBHistory: Second, assuming that Kuno was indeed one of the higher classes, there would still be no "village" in the medieval period that has the inter-continental political influence, the wealth, or the boat and crew needed to actually send him to Europe and bring him back. This may well be why such things never happened in the real world! All trade and communication between Asia and Europe during that time occurred by land, and such a journey could take a year or more, one way! For a country as geographically isolated from the main cross-continental trade routes as Japan was, it would have been a complete impossibility.

ECBCulture: Third, assuming that Kuno somehow actually got to a place with "white people", he wouldn't have possibly gotten a habit of quoting poets and rhyming all of his words, because nobody does that in Europe either! OH MY GOD, you mean people everywhere talk in PRACTICAL WAYS no matter what culture they're from!? And that's nothing compare to the most major error up to this point regarding your premise. Kuno likes to quote Shakespeare and other famous poets. This is the Middle Ages; that's what "medieval" means. Shakespeare and all of his contemporaries AREN'T AROUND YET. As a matter of fact, Shakespeare, his contemporaries, and their works of literature and culture ARE A LARGE PART OF WHAT SEPARATES THE RENAISSANCE FROM THE MIDDLE AGES! Kuno is a walking, talking temporal anomaly!

ECBAntiStupidity: UNLETTERED WORM! BACK TO THE GUTTERS WITH YE!

"WHAT? NO WAY!"

ECB: ...Exclamation mark with the question mark please. And again, railways spikes are good for the mind. Apply generously.

"How about Ryoga? He likes you a lot!" Nabiki teased.

ECB: You put the "u" in "Tendou", but not in "Ryoga". DEMERIT! Choose a romanization style and stick with it.

"He's just a friend!"

ECB: Aww, Akane is just so easy to tease. It'd be better if this scene was as easy to believe, but no, it's so shoddily written that I'm falling asleep just looking at it.

"Hmmm! I know how about Ranma Saotome, you know? The heir to the anything goes Saotome school of Martial arts?"

ECB: Uh huh. You can capitalize Saotome... but you won't capitalize Anything Goes. You'll capitalize Martial, but not School and Arts. FAIL! Second-grade grammar is obviously beyond you.

"I WOULD RATHER BE BOILED ALIVE!" The raven-haired girl screamed.

ECB: Being that this is where Ranma's character is first mentioned, this is obviously supposed to be incredibly significant to the story flow. However, the fact that you've already told the reader of Akane's opinion of Ranma, combined with the monotonous dialogue that leads up to this point-*snore*

Ranma Saotome was the son of Genma who was their father's best friend and they had trained together since they where kids. Ranma was also sixteen except a few months older than her. He had long jet-black hair always tied into a pigtail and dark blue eyes. Everyone thought he was the perfect gentleman but to Akane's eyes he was nothing more than a mosquito that you flick every summer to the next country or even further when it bugged you.

ECB: And some more exposition that isn't woven into the actual story!

It didn't surprise Nabiki. Akane and Ranma where the worst of enemies since the beginning of time or if possible even before it. They hated each other and it was almost impossible to drag them apart from biting each others throats if they where brought within five meters of each others existence.

ECB: I'm not even going to go into how badly this is written, except to make the obvious "So they're vampires?" remark. That would be a neat twist on the whole story concept, but I don't think you've got the guts to go off the beaten track like that. Not that it'd make this story any better, the way you write it.

She would never know why they hated each other so badly. Maybe it was because Akane was jealous of Ranma's popularity and he hated her for being such a tomboy. Or it could just be one of those things where people hated each other for no apparent reason.

ECB: Or it could be that Ranma is a boy and Akane, since she so obviously hates boys, sees in him everything that she abhors, and so hates him with a vengeance. Nabiki sure likes to read into things. But I suppose it makes up for the fact that "she would never know why they hated each other so badly" even though
a) Nabiki's supposed to be the smart one and
b) this story just barely began.

"What's so bad about him, I mean you have to admit he is quite good looking," she continued.

ECB: This may be hard to fathom for those who have short memories or poor reading comprehension, but Nabiki isn't continuing a previous thought. She's actually responding to Akane's reaction to Ranma. You know, the boiling thing? And take some time to become better acquainted with the question mark. It allows you to do great things like... ask questions instead of making run on sentences!

Akane looked like she was about to explode, "SO? WHAT HE IS!

ECBMistranslatedSpaceNabiki: You are on the way to destruction.
ECBMistranslatedSpaceAkane: WHAT YOU SAY !!
ECBMistranslatedSpaceNabiki: You have no chance to survive make your time.
ECBMistranslatedSpaceNabiki: HA HA HA HA ....
ECBGrammar: Where'd I leave my switchblade?

HE'S AN ARROGANT, SELFISH, ANNOYING..............."

ECB: Don't leave so many dots lying around. It's like "ANNOYING" is walking back and forth across the page leaving road apples everywhere. At least pick up after your dialogue! It's being really unsanitary!

"Yes, yes, we all know," Nabiki, snapped lightly knowing her sister could rant all day about him if given the chance.

ECB: Leading to the logical question of why was she baiting Akane into it in the first place if she didn't want to hear the ranting? Obviously she's doing this to provoke Akane. Wait, I know! Build it up... build it up... build it-*walks off*

The sliding door of the dojo opened.

ECB: Hmm, this is the first line where I can't think of something to criticize. I guess you can write simple script actions.

"Akane, Nabiki," Kasumi said, "It's time for dinner, you two better get dressed cause we have some guest coming."

ECB: So they were naked? Oh wait, maybe you mean that they should go change into their good clothes-NO! COMMON SENSE, GET BACK IN YOUR HOLE! If they were naked, then why wasn't there any FANSERVICE!? BAD AUTHOR!

ECB: "cause"? And this is in the medieval period where Kasumi would probably be even more formal than she is in modern times? Word choice isn't your strong suit, is it? And what the heck is Kasumi doing in her father's house when she should by all rights be married off by now? And carve the word "plurals" onto your cranium; it'll remind you that "Uncle Saotome and his son" does not constitute a single "guest".

"Uncle Saotome and his son."

ECB: There, see? Coherent grammar isn't really that hard. You can do this.

"SEE!" Akane cried throwing her hands, "He haunts me everywhere!"

ECB: And this follows from Akane's previous thought of "Ranma is annoying"! You're on a roll!

Nabiki snickered to herself, it wasn't Akane was a bad person on the contrary she was very nice and was willing to help anybody in need. But the constant nagging from everyone about her attitude about being a Martial Artist was just like throwing rocks at a lion. Over time it seemed to have made her into a defensive person who lashed out at anybody that made fun of her. Ranma and Kuno was an exception to that rule, one word about either of them would send that person flying from here until the next century.

ECB: In what way does "mentioning Ranma and Kuno makes Akane explode" constitute an exception to "Akane lashes out at anyone who makes fun of her"? You don't have punctuation skills and you don't have vocabulary. You got *two* owies! Too bad they make up 40% of story writing. Furthermore, mental exposition on the good and bad traits of her sister is heavily out of character for Nabiki and extremely unrealistic for people in general. Character consistency with source and believable story presentation- ouch, there goes another 20%.

ECB: And it was pointed out to me that this makes no sense either. Good fighters were respected in the feudal era because they were needed to defend their villages and fight for their lords. No one would have ridiculed Akane for wanting to be a fighter, as even women were expected to train in the naginata to defend their household when their husbands were away.
ECBDracos: Do I hear the sound of your entire worldset deflating like a balloon?

"Akane!" A tall black haired man said determinedly behind Kasumi before getting on his knees in front of her, "Please! I beg you. Don't lose your temper this time and embarrass us! It's really important and think of your poor father!"

ECB: *SPIT TAKE* What century is your story in!? A father stood tall and determinedly scolded his daughter, then fell to his knees and started groveling? Is this during the time of "daughters are the properties of their fathers until they marry, at which time they become the properties of their husbands"? I would laugh at this Soun Tendou except that this is obviously not supposed to be a humorous scene or a humorous story. Rumiko Takahashi had a spineless Soun Tendo, and it worked because Ranma 1/2 is a comedy. This is not a comedic story, and the setting, being the "you work or you starve" time period of human history, does not lend well to a head of a household capitulating to his daughter in such a inappropriate circumstance and in such a flippant way. And a dojo master who is so weak-willed as to bow to his daughter would be a laughingstock. A meek warrior is worthless, and certainly wouldn't be able to support a dojo on his name.

"I would if he would keep his big mouth shut!" Akane scolded.

ECB: scold: v. to find fault noisily or angrily (from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary).
ECB: Akane is not scolding; she is at best retorting. Scolding requires that the person being scolded is in front of the person doing the scolding. In this case, the person that Akane is finding fault with is Ranma, but she's directing it towards Soun. Therefore, scolding is the wrong word.
ECB: This has been your regularly scheduled reminder to eat a dictionary. Because dictionaries are nutritious for the mind (TM).

She knew he would never believe her, nobody did. So what was the point of giving yourself a hard time if you couldn't do anything about it. Whenever Ranma teased her it was always when no one was looking to not damage his 'lovely' reputation. It disgusted her how her father lay for the sake of his best friend's son. She couldn't stand the pity in his eyes.

ECB: Lay... you mean knelt? But that doesn't make sense either, because why would Soun be kneeling for Ranma's sake and at the same time feel pity for Akane? I know, maybe you just aren't capable of coordinating complex emotional concepts with physical actions! Tell me, do you frequently find yourself pitying those who are better than you while you're begging pathetically at their feet?

"Why should I? Nobody ever listens to me?" she declared, "You won't ever let me take over the Dojo! Just because I'm not a boy!"

ECB: Setting aside the significant point of there being no reason why Soun should need to justify his decision as dojo master to his student and daughter, there is the question of where is the actual dojo heir? Surely Soun would already be training a student to take over the school, since such a process would take decades and needs to be well planned ahead of time. Why doesn't he just bring out the real heir to put down Akane's complaints?

"But Akane try and understand," he said almost on the verge of tears, "It's not right for girls to fight. Girls should be-"

ECB: Right. Spineless Soun Tendou it is. I want to beat this man for being so completely pathetic in the eyes of this society, but that is what you're going for, so I'll accept it. Clearly, you aren't going to make him a significant character in this story filled with strong-willed people. I love how you're trying to build the story around sexism in a time period when sexism as a concept didn't exist.

"Fine!" The youngest Tendou growled obviously fed up, "But if he puts one toe out of line I'll kill him."

ECB: Well, I guess we know who wears the pants in this marriage, don't we.

       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"WHAT? YOU TRICKED ME!" A pigtail boy roared almost kicking the front door off the Tendou's house.

ECB: If you're going to use caps for shouting, the again put an exclamation mark with the question mark. Roaring in anger and almost kicking down the Tendou's door? I don't know how Ranma could possibly keep a gentleman's reputation or a vain self-image doing these kinds of things. I hear the sound of internal consistency disintegrating, and it sounds like a Japanese village being bombarded from orbit with Tanuki sculptures.

"Ranma I am only asking you once," his father explained slowly so that every part of sank into his enraged son, "We're here for dinner. I'm not asking you to like this girl of his. But to get along with her, I understand she's not one of the most desirable people to be with and thinks that girls can be martial artist. I know we all want to give her a good kick deep inside."

ECB: Yes, well that's not called asking. That's called telling. He's only going to "tell" Ranma once. And again, learn the concept of the plural: "girls can be martial artists". And don't confuse the function of the period with that of the comma.

Genma was an incredibly lazy man. He was bald and wore a white bandana to cover it and was almost exactly the opposite of his son Ranma. But unfortunately they both loved to eat and sleep which proved he was his son. Only his father knew he couldn't stand that stupid muscular tomboy.

ECB: That's nice. I reckon that the subtlety with which you display your bias towards Genma's character is somewhere between the level of "trench warfare" and its close associate "mustard gas". I would point out to you the gross illogic of the statements themselves and the abominable manner in which they are presented, but I think the time and energy is better spent laughing at you instead.

Akane had short raven-hair and dark amber eyes. He had only seen her once with long hair about six years ago. They had first met when he returned from his long training trip in China. She was outside slicing heavy cement bricks to improve her strength. He didn't know what came over him but told her it was uncute for girls to go around learning martial arts and earned a hard wack with a mallet on his head before he could say another word.

ECB: Did Ranma not know the reason why he did that, or did you just not have the energy to make one up and write it down? The way it's written, it almost seems like Ranma kinda regrets doing it, which is the usual reason why a person would say "I don't know why I did that" about something that happened years and years ago, but that doesn't fit into your story at all.

That began the long fierce war of 'getting back' at each other. He couldn't help laughing whenever she did something wrong or said that women where just a strong as men. She was so stupid and clumsy; it didn't surprise him why she was still trying to take over her father's Dojo after all those years. He could sort of understand why, Soun had no son but three daughters. And to make it even worse Soun had once offered it to Ranma and for the next few weeks Akane gave you an impression of a venomous snake ready to strike at the closest things at came near it.

ECB: Ignoring the length to which you've just butchered the grammar rules of the English language AGAIN... no. It would be unthinkable for Soun to nonchalantly offer to hand his school and property over to Ranma in this way. That's like saying Soun offered his house and his family heirlooms to a guy off the street. Maybe you've been brought up thinking this to be a fun and jolly thing to do, and that's the reason why your family couldn't afford to provide you with a grade-school education, but this is something that is absolutely unheard of in Japan, then and now. If it was even an option, then Ranma would have been living with the Tendous for years training in the school and becoming part of the clan. Clearly he hasn't been, and clearly you didn't bother thinking things through before you wrote this. At least now we know where your dialogue got its hygiene habits from.

His father knocked on the door only to be answered by a sweet long chestnut haired girl almost as tall as Ranma.

ECB: When someone says "only to be" it implies that somehow it is not the intended effect. I wonder what Genma wanted to accomplish by knocking on the Tendo door if not to be greeted by a member of the household and welcomed in. Maybe he just wanted to stand outside and wait for a few hours. It can't be worse than going in and suffering more "characterization", right? Oh, and just so you don't give the impression that you know nothing about the source material the next time you write, Kasumi's taller than Ranma.

"Hello Kasumi."

ECBGenma: "I want to stand outside like a manly man for a few more minutes. Could you go back in for a while? I'll knock again later."

"Saotome you've arrived," Soun said gently shoving passed her and greeted his old friend.

ECB: Gee, can you be any less enthusiastic Soun? It's as if the person writing your lines doesn't know how to use punctuation to impart natural tone and pacing into your speech!

"Oh Hello Ranma," Kasumi said.

ECB: My God, I didn't think robots would be invented for at least another six centuries. Where did all the emotion go? Or did you run out of bowling pins writing Akane's lines?

"Hey Ranma!" Nabiki greeted in her usual style obviously scheming a way of earning some profit before walking off with her sister set dinner.

ECB: Oh, wait, at least Nabiki still has her soul. I love how you continue to perpetrate the Nabiki-loves-profit cliche though; not that it makes sense or fits with the setting or theme or anything, but really just because you can't be bothered to give her one of those "personality" things, right?

"Hi Nabiki, Kasumi."

ECBRanma: Great weather we have today, don't you think? It sure is nice of your dad to let us eat with your family tonight. I haven't--
ECBScript: Oi, baka. Nabiki and Kasumi's already exited stage left to go and set dinner (*mutters* whatever the heck that means). You can cut the gentleman act now.

Only Akane stood there. She glared at him like a hawk to a mouse. Ranma continued staring back. She could of sworn her father give her a pleading look before he left the hallway talking to Genma. One of the most annoying things she hated about the Ranma was because he was obsessed with his hair and probably spent half the day combing and washing it then would comb it more. It looked so straight and silky with every strand in the right place and hers was just a slightly ruffled lump of shoulder length blue that one of his favourite past times was teasing her about it and how she'd never find a husband and she would end up marry the Bokken boy Kuno. Kuno was the opposite of Ranma and was just as bad running around exclaiming his unwanted song love and never listened to anyone except himself.

ECB: Gah. I don't know if this is supposed to be Akane's thoughts or narrative prose. If it's Akane's thoughts then that is one of the worst internal thought sequences I've ever read. It's clearly not written to give a sense of personal introspection, and the chain of thoughts don't fit together smoothly, or logically given the situation. If it's the narrator telling us information again, then I should go hire a bounty hunter, because this is horrible Telling over Showing and the narrator should be caught and condemned to Death by Furby Avalanche.

She couldn't imagine which one was worse, Kuno and his illusional world or Ranma and the fact he would most likely end up marrying himself if not his mirror. Kuno and Ranma they where one and the same and equally as stupid.

ECB: That's a wonderful set of personal opinions. Unfortunately, it is an illogical set to hold in the circumstances. Ranma is one of perhaps one or two dozen people her age in the tightly knit community that is a Japanese village. She would have no choice but to come into contact with him often, and the community (which, being Japanese, stresses conformity and respect over individualism and egocentricity) would pressure tolerance for him into her. Kuno, being of higher class, would not stand such an attitude from someone below him in station. This being the Feudal era, Kuno would probably strike her down for so much as looking at him cross eyed instead of bowing like everyone else in the village whenever he walked by. And of course, since this is the medieval period, and centuries before the times when kendo and bokken become popular, he would strike her with a live blade of sharpened metal. Doing this would undoubtedly kill her, and no one would even be able to protest, as doing so is well within Kuno's rights as a member of the upper class. And even if Kuno wouldn't do it, his family wouldn't hesitate at all to remove such a problematic individual from the village, and given what you've said about Akane's popularity in this story, the townspeople would probably cheer.

ECB: On the other hand, if this had happened, all of the historical continuity errors in this story would immediately resolve themselves, and the story would end on the spot. It would quadruple the quality of your story!

"Hello Akane," he smiled holding his hand out for a handshake.

ECB: Japanese people don't shake hands. Physical touch is a very intimate and personal action. For example, if I were to reach through the screen this very moment and physically beat some common sense and Japanese culture into you, a person well versed in Japanese etiquette would know that I am showing you a great amount of respect and affection by taking such an interest in the quality of your writing.

"Saotome."

ECB: Look at the power of this scene! The tension is so strong my backbone could snap at any second!

The raven-haired girl took it and started squeezing him as hard as she could. Ranma continued looking at her with an annoying wide grin on his face trying not to flinch before crushing her hand. Akane glared even more with dislike trying not to show any pain now matter how much it hurt. Before a voice annouched it was time for dinner.

ECB: I would actually be impressed by this little battle if it wasn't so generic and uninspired. There are some people can invent with new things, and there are some can innovate old ones and use them well. And then there are those who can take an old thing and make it worse by introducing punctuation and spelling problems. Take a wild guess which group you're a member of, Miss I-spell-'announced'-with-an-'h'.

      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dinner tonight was unusually delicious because they had guest.

ECB: "Dinner tonight". As opposed to "dinner tomorrow" or "dinner on the day I finally drink away all of my memories of your incompetence". Great word choices! And you just have to love the plurals.

Akane had found it hard to ignore him especially when he kept staring directly across the table with either dagger puppy-like eyes or loving eyes with a malicious intent making her choke every bite she ate down. She didn't know how he knew what she was going to take but whenever she tried to take something from the table he always managed to take it before her.

ECB: Yeah, I knew a puppy once that glared daggers a lot. One of my old neighbors liked to fiddle with machine parts, so one day he took his dog and implanted knife dispensers into its eyes. I don't know why he did that, since he never used knives anyway (he had the whole Inspector Gadget thing going with his right hand), but he did. It was kinda sad actually, because the poor dog couldn't see any more and kept bumping into stuff, and every so often a butter knife would fall out from its face, which if you think about it would probably give young children nightmares until they're middle aged, but it was hard not to empathize with a little dachshund that's walking around blind and keeps having kitchen utensils pop out of its head. I don't know if you were trying to create this feeling of pity and empathetic pain by using "dagger puppy-like eyes" here, but that's what I'm getting from it, because "dagger puppy-like eyes" makes no sense whatsoever.

"Akane can you please pass me the salt?" he asked.

ECB: Who? Ranma? Soun? Hey Kero, throw me the salt! Oh, wait, this isn't CardCaptor Sakura. Never mind.

Grudgingly she passed it to him, he purposely dropped it when she let go.

ECB: Punctuation is not just your friend because it stops you from making run on sentences like this one, it's also mine because it reduces the need for me to call you on it. Don't misuse that comma, you'll be needing it for when the Punctuation Gestapo makes its quarterly loyalty patrol. Those guys are really mean. Who knows what horrors they might inflict on one? They might even call your local truant officer and have him force you to go to class!

"Akane, you dropped the salt, don't worry I'll pick it up," he offered cheerfully as the family looking up from their bowls stared blankly at her.

ECB: Because if Ranma didn't explicitly say who dropped the salt, no one would be able to figure it out from listening to the previous dialogue or using their eyes. What, did everyone here get the knife dispenser upgrade too? Or is this you trying to compensate for your own inability to comprehend these sorts of things by making your characters blind and deaf?

"Akane apologize to Ranma," Soun said.

ECB: And where did Soun get the nerve to tell Akane to do anything? Didn't you establish him as a weakling? Are those Tanuki sculptures I see raining from the sky?

"But..................it wasn't me!" she complained.

ECB: HEY! If you're not going to use the period right then don't waste them! A lot of ff.net writers need more of them you know! And why did it take Akane nearly a whole minute just to come up with a denial? Did she die for a second there? Or did you fall asleep on your keyboard? If your writing is causing you to develop narcolepsy, think about what it's doing to us!

"Akane do as you're asked!"

ECB: TOLD! TOLD! He's telling! That's not asking! There's a difference between the two and it's called a question mark! Learn your punctuation and your basic human interactions!

*End ECB*

This has certainly been a most powerful object lesson on how not to combine the canon Akane introduction scene with a non-canon Ranma/Akane relationship and then throw them into a completely different time period. Nothing wrong with doing any them separately, but doing all three together requires a small amount of thought, which our dear author Osage-no-Onna clearly didn't invest into her story. I wonder what Miss Onna was thinking when she decided to take three different overused Ranma fanfiction cliches (the much abused chapter one intro, "Ranma and Akane starts off hating each other", and the ever popular "let's do the same stuff as canon but in medieval times!") and stick them in a blender without the slightest effort to mesh them together smoothly... but then I'd have to drink more to forget it again, so I stop wondering.

While it's true that this story is not quite the usual ECB standard in terms of "Lord God, let thy judgment fall upon this writer with a rain o' fire and a plague o' frogs", possibly because it was mostly spellchecked, the brutal homicide of proper grammar and punctuation, criminal neglect of research and Making Sense, utter lack of demonstrable attempts at originality, and wholesale Telling over Showing exposition leads me to bestow upon this story an F. Anyone who doesn't agree with my assessment is encouraged to read this story again. I am confident that unwillingness to do so will afford me the point by default.

My thanks to Dracos for prereading and guiding me through the ECB critique mentality, which took me quite a bit of time to bend to. As I am personally neither funny nor entertaining, everything that may be of amusement in this critique is certainly his doing, and whatever scraps remain are mine. My time here is done. Good night, and fair morn.

Rezantis

Overall, that was quite good, especially for a first go.  You score a cookie.
Hangin' out backstage, waiting for the show.

KLSymph

I receive the praise, and the cookie, with deference and humility.

*starts on the cookie immediately*

And for my first Bureau critique I have already been gifted with a well reasoned and intelligent response!

-- I know it's lame to review your own story but 'KLSymph' at least I 'try' to write a good story unlike you who sit back and judge others for something you can't even do yourself. So next time when you submit a long pointless review obviously cause you must be a "Ranma+Akane" couple hater and was desperate to get me to delete my story at least I can write better than any of your crap. -- Osage-no-Onna

*finishes the cookie*

Amusing indeed. I was hoping for a little more of a challenge to refute, but "Heaven's gifts are refused at one's peril", so I suppose this will do. My response is ready, but I will let the calm and mellowing influence of a good night's sleep exert its influence and answer it in the morning.

Rezantis

I'd, er . . . hesitate . . . to call it well-reasoned, but it's certainly a cut above the usual.  Any you're going to trip over your tongue if you keep talking like that.  :P
Hangin' out backstage, waiting for the show.

KLSymph

Quote from: "Rezantis"Any you're going to trip over your tongue if you keep talking like that.  :P

A quirk of mine, really. I prefer to be overly formal (and slightly melodramatic) when I'm not sure how I'm expected to act, and this is my first ECB. Usually I do that until I'm familiar with how things work or until someone tells me to stop.

The other major time I turn to formality is when I'm confronted with too much ignorance directed toward me specifically. In these cases I instinctively try to shield myself, even though I think it's a bit over-the-top how I go about it. But you can see this in action better than I can explain.

--- Fanfiction.net response:

I see that it was indeed wise of me to include "leaving the response somewhere I might happen upon it later in life" as an alternative to "email directly to me at my conveniently provided email address". Ah well. If you would prefer to display your ignorance publicly, then I will not deny you an equally public response.

-- I know it's lame to review your own story --

I will point this out to you since you clearly aren't familiar with the concept: you are in fact not giving your review of your story, but rather responding to mine. Though perhaps it should not surprise me that you would confuse the issue; you believed that hitting "Create Story" would make your drivel into a story, so it would not be out of the question for you to think that pressing "Submit Review" would make your ramblings a review.

-- but 'KLSymph' at least I 'try' to write a good story --

But this supposes two things: that you tried, and that this is a story. As the concluding two paragraphs of my critique clearly state, both points are patently false. You did not "try", as that would require the prerequisite research into what you're writing about along with heavy amounts of prereading to remove the punctuation, internal consistency, and common sense violations that abound in your story. And tossing fanfiction cliches together without thinking about how they might interact or conflict with one another does not make a story, no matter what your recreational pharmaceuticals might compel you to believe.

-- unlike you who sit back and judge others for something you can't even do yourself --

I judged you unable to write intelligibly while making sense, sustaining internal consistency, and adhering to established knowledge of your subject matter. Though you may choose to be selectively blind as your preferences dictate, I have not withheld from you imitable examples of these virtuous qualities that are so fundamental to writing. Might I direct your gaze downwards to my review? If you would exhibit some critical reading skills, you would see that throughout my in-depth criticism I have continuously upheld these three core tenets of "coherency". Not only that, but I did so while creating a piece of writing that is both longer than the chapter being reviewed and useful to a number of people who are not afraid to learn from mistakes, be they their own or those of others. Be proud, your mindless flailing in the mire of inadequacy will bring amusement to your betters, and your failure will stand eternal in the archives of the Evil Commentary Bureau, surrounded by those of your peers, a warning to all who pass it hereafter.

-- So next time when you submit a long pointless review --

Pointless to those who cannot see its value. I suppose then that my attempt to help you improve your writing will go unheeded. That is unfortunate, but that is your choice. I do hope you enjoy your mediocrity, and perhaps you will at least pay note to my request that you not enfeeble the minds of your readers. Perhaps someday they may rise to become writers of worth, and will thank you for your mercy.

-- obviously cause you must be a "Ranma+Akane" couple hater --

As a "Ranma+Akane" lover, you do your cause far more harm than I ever could, should I even consider hating a particular matchup to be worth my time. For the sake of all those who support Ranma and Akane's matchup in the Ranma 1/2 fandom, please die.

-- and was desperate to get me to delete my story --

I had merely hoped to temper your writing with the forge's flame. Whether your story is strengthened or shattered, what does it matter to the fire? Arrogant little worm, your "story" will merely be swallowed by the abyss of ff.net ignobility, a fate no better than if you had quietly removed it yourself. Some writers aspire to greater things. You are clearly not among them.

-- at least I can write better than any of your crap. --

Don't flatter yourself. You should try to surpass my criticism before you challenge my writing. Though such a task is far beyond your learning and eloquence, it would give you a goal, and may lead you towards achievement where my criticism could not. Or it may consume you till your final breath. In the end, it does not matter. You are still blind, and nothing I can say will change that.

And such concludes your single public response, and this ECB production. My advice to make it count went unheard, but it is too late for such things now. I leave you with this gift, Osage-no-Onna, and hope that you will make good use of it, but such is for you to decide, and is no longer in my hands.

http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

---

The only thing left is to see if she deletes+restores her story to remove the entire criticism.

Jeram

Hey, not bad! Not bad at all!
I especially liked:
QuoteECB: Japanese people don't shake hands. Physical touch is a very intimate and personal action. For example, if I were to reach through the screen this very moment and physically beat some common sense and Japanese culture into you, a person well versed in Japanese etiquette would know that I am showing you a great amount of respect and affection by taking such an interest in the quality of your writing.

Nice work.
t takes a mighty pen to write fanfiction.

-Jeram

Rezantis

Quote from: "KLSymph"A quirk of mine, really. I prefer to be overly formal (and slightly melodramatic) when I'm not sure how I'm expected to act, and this is my first ECB. Usually I do that until I'm familiar with how things work or until someone tells me to stop.

Don't stop on my account, it's amusing.  :)
Hangin' out backstage, waiting for the show.

KLSymph

Jeram: Thanks. Came up with that one a while ago, and I was looking for a good place to use it. This looked like good opportunity.

Rezantis: Hah. Don't worry, it'll pop up again. Probably in my first private email to you; those are always good for a laugh.

Hmm...just so everyone can get the entire effect of my response to the writer, I should note for everyone who doesn't bother with fanfiction.net that ever since I decided to do this ECB, my account profile on ff.net has held the following happy, happy message for all that view it:

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

A little gem that I picked up on one of my "burning and looting" runs, and since I was sure that Miss Onna would check my profile for any credentials before responding to my critique, I wanted to greet her with a warm and friendly "Yes, I am talking to YOU".

The other reason was that I didn't want to leave my usual prereading/criticism offer and Anime Addventure advertisement for any of Miss Onna's misguided fans. Mostly because I don't want to incite a stampede of ff.net writers onto the Addventure. Beating them down gets quite annoying.

Edit: left out a word

Edward

Nicely done, though your response to Osage the Idiot seemed a bit verbose.

Wise decision not to point her and her fans towards AA, the idiot quotient is high enough there already.
If you see Vampire Hikaru Shidou, it is Fox.  No one else does that.  You need no other evidence." - Dracos

"Huh? Which rant?" - Gary

"Do not taunt Happy Fun Servitor of the Outer Gods with your ineffective Thompson Submachine Gun." - grimjack

Dracos

It wouldn't matter.  Bast recently revealed a rather obvious hint to why the addventure is so stuffed with GD addicts.  Apparently he's been advertizing to them for quite a while.

Dracos
Well, Goodbye.

Edward

Ouch.  GD is decent, though not as good as Ninja High School, but I don't understand the obsession with crossing Ranma and GD.  It would be one thing if the episodes were interesting or origional, but they all seem to be about Ranma becoming and/or bedding a werefeline while ignoring all previous relationships from both series.  Ick.
If you see Vampire Hikaru Shidou, it is Fox.  No one else does that.  You need no other evidence." - Dracos

"Huh? Which rant?" - Gary

"Do not taunt Happy Fun Servitor of the Outer Gods with your ineffective Thompson Submachine Gun." - grimjack

Anastasia

I haven't had time to read the ECB beyond glancing at the opening, due to extremely limited internet time.

But...I'm surprised that the offhanded comment I made in a PM went somewhere. Kickass.
<Afina> Imagine a tiny pixie boot stamping on a devil's face.
<Afina> Forever.

<Yuthirin> Afina, giant parasitic rainbow space whale.
<IronDragoon> I mean, why not?

Dracos

Ed:

Well, lemme be more clear.  He wasn't advertising just to GD but specifically to the TF(FURRY) community.  Which is why it's full of those obsessed with it.

Dracos
Well, Goodbye.

Edward

If you see Vampire Hikaru Shidou, it is Fox.  No one else does that.  You need no other evidence." - Dracos

"Huh? Which rant?" - Gary

"Do not taunt Happy Fun Servitor of the Outer Gods with your ineffective Thompson Submachine Gun." - grimjack