ECB v "Bullies in my life, You've Won!"

Started by Dracos, October 07, 2003, 01:27:48 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Dracos

Welcome to another fine day of the Evil Commentary Bureau.  Today's fic is a rather short piece of work, hot off of our submissions pile and really is something you don't see every day.  I mean, we've seen the authors that place themselves directly in as SIs or through Avatars.  We've seen projecting on Ranma by making him god.  We've seen Ranma fics where he's a cold hearted perfect evil killer villian.  Here though, we have a winner.  Ranma as the fat cowardly school boy bully with no redeeming features who sits all day in front of the tv!  So, as we go through this projection onto Ranma, I'd like us all to keep in mind just what the Author was really saying:

Evil Commentary Bureau Versus "Bullies in my life, you've won!"

As with all Evil Commentary Bureau productions, this will be archived for public reading at http://www.pishoque.net/soulriders/ .  Similiarly, the author will be allowed a single response, sent to the email address dracos12@hotmail.com.

*begin ECB*

ECB: See the blank space here?  It'd be nice to see something like a title here.  Maybe even a nice Author's name in the corner?  I know, how about a BLOODY DISCLAIMER?!  But perhaps that would require knowing the series?  Do you?

This story is how I think the Ranma story will continue after the end of the comics

ECB: ~o/Punctuation, it's there to help you and me!  Punctuation, It'll set your thoughts free!  Punctuation, come on now, USE THE PERIODS!/o~

If you actually like that evil pile of filth Ranma

ECB: Wow, such bile.  Why did you continue reading Ranma 1/2 if you hated Ranma so much?  Surely there must have been better series for your time.

, then maybe you should not read it.

ECB: Actually, I like logic.  I study it, you see.  Therefore, while I am indifferent to all characters within any fic that gets submitted to the Bureau, I do like some manner of consistency.  This shouldn't be hard though, if you are really 'revealing' what he is really like from the series rather than just sticking someone in his shoes.  And we all know you wouldn't do that!

Here I reveal the evil bastard for who he really is.

ECBCatbert: Puuuuuuuuuurrr!

It has been a year since Ranma tried to force Akane to marry him after they came back from Pheonix mountain. His plot to make it look as if

ECB: U' FORMATTING: Awful!
ECBManga: Man, which manga was that in?  You could at least retell that part to make it lead into this.  Show us the evil intent!

Genma and Soun had forced him to marry Akane had nearly worked.
Unfortunately Ryoga, Ukyo and Shampoo has derailed it.

ECB: And Tatewaki... And Nabiki... And Happosai ...And Kodachi...etc.  Did you ever actually read or watch the scene in question?

They would both pay for that.

ECBRanma: Look at me, I'm evil!  I'm standing in the void, an undescribed faceless blob who reveals his EVILEVIL PLANS!
ECBMath: 1+1+1=2...  Or did Both suddenly become a 2 or more term?

He had nearly got Akane to himself.

ECB: Instead of assuming that simply telling the parents would accomplish this 'goal'.  And that it seems to go rather strongly against canon...  Save, what's that?
ECBQuoter: "Ranma, the continuation"
ECB: Oh yeah, you set it after all of canon so we can hold you to it!

Once legally bound to him, she would not have been able to resist

him in the bedroom.

ECBCatbert: Puuuuuuuuuurr!

For now though, back to school.

Yuka and Sayuri were talking under one of the trees in the school courtyard when they spotted the large figure of Ranma lumbering into

ECB: Ranma is many things.  Large is not one of them.  So...who's this?

the school.

"There he is...., do you think we should move?" said Sayuri

ECB: PUNCTUATION!  And... everyone's afraid of Ranma now?  Rea-a-ally?

"I don't know. There's a lot of people, surely he's not going to try something with everyone here."

ECBForeshadow: This is a blatant way of saying: He's going to try something immediately with them for no reason whatsoever.

"You're right, I guess we're OK for now. He's really let himself go hasn't he. He used to actually be a little good looking, but now look at him"

ECB: How in the world did he let himself go?  I mean, he only has STILL had to deal with his father and his rivals every day.  Why would this suddenly stop?
ECBWhinyAuthor: Why are you poking holes in my story?  If I say he let himself go, it makes sense!
ECB: Sorry, buddy-boy!  It'd take years for such a martial artist to get that much out of shape.  And would never happen in a dojo with other marital artists challenging him regularly.


The change was indeed apparent. Ranma has spent most of his days lying in front of the TV and as a result his weight had mushroomed. He had to be a good 300 lbs now if he was an ounce, but still as piggish and cruel as ever.

ECB: And how'd he do that?  Hell, I spend most of my days in front of a comp and I couldn't manage to put on that much weight in a year.  You are talking about around doubling his base weight and indicating that his martial arts skilled would just vanish!
ECBBullies: *Snort, Snort* Hiya Junior!  Welcome back to your Middle school years!  You want to relive them I see?

Just then Sayuri noticed the sudden quiet. They'd been too preoccupied to notice that everyone else had gone in for class, and as they noticed that, Ranma rushed towards them incredibly fast for his bulk.

ECB: Yards just empty instantly, yep.

"Lunch money, NOW!" he said, grabbing Sayuri by the collar and lifting her up

ECB: Why?  He gets packed gourmet meals daily and doesn't really show a need/want for money.  What's that?
ECBPlothole: "You can just call me the baby sister of FF8!"

"Let her go, you bully" shouted Yuka, as the terrified Sayuri struggled in Ranma's grasp

ECB: *Commence Canned Laughter*

"You be quiet, or you'll be next. And I may do more than just take your lunch money. Talking of that..."

ECBDoctorKnow: Now, as we see here, the author is portraying a scene he knows quite well from his childhood!  Complete with the utterly ineffectual whiny brat syndrome!

Ranma suddenly gazed into Sayuri's eyes. Within their depth she could see a burning lust and her terror redoubled.

ECB: You know, I could just summarize the entire response to this fic in one word: "Because"
ECB: Because he doesn't seem lustful in the series.
ECB: Because this isn't Ranma anymore.
ECB: Because you are ignoring the setting.
ECB: Because your plot is simply a black hole.
ECB: Because, etcetra, etcetra...you do not make sense.
ECB: Because.

"RANMA! What are you doing!" Help had come! Akane had arrived and like a shot, Ranma dropped Sayuri"

ECB: Grammar, Punctuation, These things you do avoid!

"N.n.nothing Akane. Just going into class", and Ranma quickly lumbered off in the direction of the doors.

ECB: Stuttering is best accomplished with "N-n-nothing, Akane".  Regardless, why is this 'cruel and pigheaded' Ranma afraid of Akane?  It's not like he hasn't been shown to be fully able to take her in the original series from the get go.  Oh wait, that doesn't blend with your bully Ranma setup!

Sayuri gasped her relief.

ECB: GASP!

That had been close.

ECB: GASP!

The only good thing that happened was the quick flash of fear that had crossed the bully's eyes as Akane had called out.

ECB: GASP BULLSHIT!

It was a good thing that Ranma was scared of Akane and Kuno.

ECB: Yeah.  It's a good thing.  Cuz like, if he wasn't, we might actually be able to imagine that this guy was Ranma.

There was no telling what could happen at this school if those two weren't around.

ECB: NOOOOOO TELLLIIIING!

To be continued.

ECB: The tension.  You could cut it with a dull butter knife.

*End ECB*

Okay.  That was wretched.  After reading it, I came to two conclusions:
A)This guy has only experienced a bit of Ranma.  Likely entirely by fanfics.
B)You got beat up by bullies as a kid and they won as you're still trying to get over it now.

Therefore, as I give you a Fail for making sense and producing a black hole of logic worthy of being shot in the face, I suggest you take up some time with your psychologist instead of projecting onto anime characters.
Well, Goodbye.

DB

That fic had to have been one of the most laughably bad things in quite a while. It's ridiculous enough to not even take it remotely seriously enough to do anything other than gleefully mock it and the author.

Bjorn

I've gone into my happy place, a place where this fic was meant to be a (ineptly done) parody of the various fics that villainify Ranma for little reason.

And if you try to drag me out of this place, you'll have to deal with the 90 lb., glasses-wearing Ryoga, who will corner you and whine that all he really wants is someone who'll play chess with him.

Edward

>ECB: And Tatewaki... And Nabiki... And Happosai ...And Happosai...etc.

Did you mean to list Happosai twice?

>>They would both pay for that.

You missed his math error of Ryoga + Ukyo + Shampoo = both.

I do find it incredible that this idiot, who has obviously never seen or read a single bit of Ranma, successfully spelled the names of nine cast members correctly.
If you see Vampire Hikaru Shidou, it is Fox.  No one else does that.  You need no other evidence." - Dracos

"Huh? Which rant?" - Gary

"Do not taunt Happy Fun Servitor of the Outer Gods with your ineffective Thompson Submachine Gun." - grimjack

Dracos

Quote from: "Edward">ECB: And Tatewaki... And Nabiki... And Happosai ...And Happosai...etc.

Did you mean to list Happosai twice?

>>They would both pay for that.

You missed his math error of Ryoga + Ukyo + Shampoo = both.

I do find it incredible that this idiot, who has obviously never seen or read a single bit of Ranma, successfully spelled the names of nine cast members correctly.

God damn it.  This is why I stopped doing one sitting ECBs -_- Too many typo errors and small misses.

Anyhow, yeah, that is impressive, thinking of it.

Dracos
Well, Goodbye.

Anastasia

Wow.

Why are fanfics substituting for therapy? This guy sounds like he needs it.
<Afina> Imagine a tiny pixie boot stamping on a devil's face.
<Afina> Forever.

<Yuthirin> Afina, giant parasitic rainbow space whale.
<IronDragoon> I mean, why not?