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Love Me For Who I Am

Started by RyderHakubi, September 12, 2003, 01:29:13 AM

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RyderHakubi

Love Me For Who I Am
By: Ryder Angel Novella

Prolouge:
Storms

Rain...

I used to love the rain.  Seeing the tears of God fall to Earth, and knowing that I wasn't alone in my misery was the greatest feeling in the world.

But now, the rain laughs at me.  It falls without a consicous, and only pounds more misery onto my aching back.

As the rain drops mercilessly on my head, they stare.  My jailors in this hell I live through every day, all because of some joke God decided to play on me.  I don't bother listening, as I know what goes through thier minds when they see me.  The most common thought as I pass always is "Freak", but from those that don't know my situation, "Slut" and "Whore" have come across my ears before.

I hate the rain, not only does it bring me misery, but it tends to fall when I wear white.  God's laughing at me, I know it.

And that is why I endure on.  Knowing that I can make it through all this misery and piss him off keeps me from going through the doors marked EXIT. The knife, the rope, the pills... I forsake them all to keep going, just so I can have the final laugh.

I walk in the door, and as if God's mocking me, the rain begins to stop.  The local weathermen are stumped at the area's forecast since it happened.  There couldn't be a cloud in the sky, but suddenly, there's a downpour.  If they wanted to torture me like that, they could do it with a little more subtlety.  But, I suppose that's they way of the world.

I shiver and cross my arms over my chest. Where is she?  I can't go to class like this, I wouldn't hear the end of it.  The administration turns thier attention away from me, but if it ever disturbed class, they'd be on me in a second, forcing me out for the 'good of the learning environment.'  I hate contradictions, and I hate fucking politics.

I see a lock of black hair, and my spirits rise.  Finally, she's here.  And good, she's brought it too.  I'll still be wet, but I won't have to worry about trying hiding the obvious.

She's chuckling as usual. She still finds this funny. Not just her, but the others do too.  To them, it's a sort of game.  To me, it's God's sick way of making it equal.  I know I always complained about not being equal to them, but, I didn't want this.  I'm still not equal, and now, I'm just a freak show.  Thanks alot God, you've ruined another life.

Thanks to you, I can't sleep at night. Every time I close my eyes, I see the same face.  The same deep blue eyes.  The same pouty lips.  The same slight figure.  Every night, it's the same thing.  Every time I sleep in Pre-Calc, it's the same thing.  I take a catnap in front of the TV, and what do I see?  I see her.

She's looking at me again, her eyes a pool of the deepest blue, almost ready to cry.

I blink, trying to get the tears from my eyes.  I can't let it get to me... Not now, not when I'm leaving this hell behind this year.

But, it'll continue to follow me. Who am I kidding?  After all, nobody knows how it happened.  One day, I'm a perfectly... Well, maybe not so normal, but at least I was average.  But now, I fear sudden flashstorms, the fast car speeding by a puddle, and going to pool parties.  I know I can't hide it, everyone knows.  But I fear them because I don't want to get used to it.  I don't want it to happen.

I don't want to look in a mirror, and see her face staring back at me.

Disclaimer: Putting this last to not ruin the ending... All concepts of Ranma 1/2 in this story belong to Rumiko Takahashi-sama, and are used without permission... All other characters are based on real people, and thusly, are not coincidental...

Authors Note: Alright, this might be a little weird to explain. Yes, I've had this idea brewing in my head for at least 3 years. It's only now that I feel like I've got enough to write a story... Originally starting as a backstory to an RPG character, this is what happens during some of my insomnia... Try and enjoy, but for some nameless people, I know they will love tearing this apart. Oh well...
What sort of madness will I create today?"

Gryphon Aerie

Meh.

Rather poetic, in an angsty kind of way. A good representation of the kind of emotion that you are trying to portray, without laying it on too thickly.

I have to say I like this one, even though Angst is definitely my most favorite theme. It was written well, like I said before, and also came off with a good sense of closure. I like that in a story, the feeling that something is done, accomplished.

Good job.
ryphon Aerie
(of course)

^_^;

Dracos

Ellipisis are overused.  A lot of those could, and should, be either commas or direct continuations of the line.  I'm certain you've showed this to me before as I've definitely read through it.  Basically though, go through and clean up the "..." as those definitely are abused throughout.

"Rain."

Dracos
Well, Goodbye.

Anastasia

I'll go ahead and second Drac's motion about the ellipisis overuse. They do feel rather overused, the effect they may have is ruined after the first few. *shrugs*

As for the story...meh. I can't really relate to this sort of thing, and found myself bored rather quickly. Too angsty for me. Is it supposed to be Ranma, by the way?
<Afina> Imagine a tiny pixie boot stamping on a devil's face.
<Afina> Forever.

<Yuthirin> Afina, giant parasitic rainbow space whale.
<IronDragoon> I mean, why not?

RyderHakubi

Love Me For Who I Am
By Ryder Angel Novello

Disclaimer: All concepts of Ranma 1/2 belong to Rumiko Takahashi-sama, and are used without permission... All other characters are based on real people, and thusly, are not coincidental.

Chapter 1:
Origins

Why?  

The most common question asked of me when they see her is "Why?"  And honestly, I wish I could tell them.  I wish I could have told my friends, family, co-workers, and most of all, myself, why it happened.

But, I can't tell them, because I just don't know why.  All I know is that before that day, I was a normal person with a average job, and normal friends.  Well, maybe they aren't that normal, but at least they aren't burdened with sometimes seeing a face in the mirror which isn't thiers, only because some jerk at work decided he wanted a free peek.

I swear, work pisses me off.  They're the ones that have taken this the worst way.  Half of my co-workers want to exploit my white work shirt, and the other half want nothing to do with me.  My only comfort comes from my few friends, who don't give a shit what I look like at that moment.

Work's a battlefield for me;  I have to dodge spilled sodas, hoses, cups of water, and the not so occasional flash storm to keep her from appearing.  It never works... Eventually, I'll be hit, and she'll appear, to the delight of my male enemies.  Management doesn't help matters either.  They've asked me to just come to work as her, even offering me a new uniform in her size so I don't become a PR nightmare for them.

But, I keep turning them down.  They can't fire me, it would be a different PR disaster.  So, I'm stuck in the back to work meaninglessly, or I'm told not to come in "until I reconsider thier offer."  So, when I actually am told to come in, I sit in the back of concession and change soda boxes, make trash runs, and basically get rediculed when we're slow.  I'd quit, but I know that I'd deal with the same thing elsewhere.  I think Hamlet, I think it was Hamlet... Anyway, someone said it best when he said, "Better to deal with those ills we have, than to fly to others we know not of."

I miss being in front of people; People blind to my situation.  At least then, I'd be dealing with people who do not care if I'm male or female.  All they care about is thier family combos and candy.  I could finally have a conversation with someone, and not have HER be the main topic.  I could feel almost human, with thoughts of her in the background.

But, that is not to be.  Not until I quit, or concede defeat by accepting management's request.  But, I can't do either.  That would be letting God, and her, win.  And I'd just be accepting her, something I've managed to hold off for so long now.

Oh great, a new employee is being shown the "freak" switching sodas.  Here he comes, and I know he's got water.  At least it isn't soda I suppose.  Soda's a bitch to clean off.  And after too much, I know it'll be impossible to keep this shirt white.  I'll have to go to management to get a new one... and they won't give me a shirt, no.  They'll gladly giver HER one though.

Great, I'm wet again, and yep, he's laughing.  I swear, they hear about me, and it's the same thing.  Splash, Stare, Laugh, Ask.  It never changes.  From co-workers, to my friends, to my schoolmates, it's been like this ever since this all began.

Here it comes... Why?  He asked it.  The most asked question I get asked everyday it seems.  Of course, he HAS to ask it.  Why?  Why do I change into a girl when hit with cold water?  And, I keep having to give the same responce, over and over and over again.

I don't know...

***

Actually, I do know a little about it.  I am an otaku, after all.  I know this is some form of a Jusenkyo curse, it has to be.  Or at least, the shithead who did this to me was inspired by Ranma 1/2.  That much I know...  There's so much more I don't know.

The days leading up to the change are a blur.  I try to remember, and get nothing clear, as if my attempts to recall that night were sliding off like rain on a windshield.  It's odd, the emotional trauma and months of therapy should have lifted the vail on those events, but, they haven't done anything.  What I remember now is exactly what I remembered 4 months ago, on that first morning.

There are things I remember... I was with Tiff that night.  I vaguely remember we were going around the city, celebrating her 18th birthday.  I remember heading downtown, but then, it's all blurred.  And don't bother asking her about it either; she remembers as much as I do.  Maybe I'm think about it too much, I don't know.

My clearest memory was of the nightmare I had that night.  In it, I saw my first vision of what is now a very familiar face.  Yes, it was her, staring back at me.  That girl, with the same frieghtened look in her eyes, as I know now, I had in mine.  I reached out to her, thinking that I could help this beautiful girl in front of me.

That's a flaw of mine... I'm overly nice to women.  Some women have said that I need to lay off the gentleman act, because it seems uncomfortable to them.  It seems ironic that to those that don't know about her, she gets treated with all the kindness in the world.  It makes me sick, and I feel that's just another punishment for sins I didn't commit.

So, this red-haired Venus reached out her hand, we clasped... and I suddenly was looking at myself.  That's right, myself, from a view at least a head and a half shorter than me.  I didn't even have to guess that the bewildered look on his face also occupied mine.  He, or perhaps it was me, opened his mouth to speak, and out came the the awful beeping that wakes me up every morning.

It was the middle of October then, and it was going to be a nice fall day.  Middle 60's with a few clouds, but nothing major.  "Cloudy" Kent Readerman had called for a 0.001% chance of rain that day.  He was known for being wrong, but only when he called for at least a 6% chance of precipitation.

Thinking there would be a nice day, I put on my Rei Ayanami t-shirt, a pair of black jeans, and my usual boots, and headed off to school.  I should have noticed the growing clouds overhead, but, I was too weirded out to care.

All through class, I kept thinking about that nightmare, and the girl in it.  I actually drew a decent sketch of her in while listening to one of my teacher's boring rants in Pre-Calc.  That in itself was amazing, since I'm about as good with a pencil and sketchpad as one of my online friends is with women.

Outside of that, school was like it used to be.  Go to class, not get noticed, do decent work, enjoy the company of the other members of the Obvious Trio and Company, argue while admiring Sam, and bake cookies for newspaper.

I read online during lunch that day that there was a new chance of flash thunderstorms, but I ignored it.  That girl continued to be my focus for the day.  I couldn't focus on much else, except for the wild fury that was Samantha Green, and even then, those thoughts were only momentary.

Her deep blue eyes, those eyes that looked so much like mine, continued to occupy my thoughts during after-school rehersal that afternoon.  I had managed to break out of my stupor to hear the thunder outside, but I couldn't leave when everyone else did at 3:30.  I had to stay and help Cat with her sax.  And I couldn't let a fellow member of the Obvious Trio down, even though it was POURING down outside and my thoughts were nowhere near Cat or the alto sax.

So, we stayed until 5, and I got her to remember the F scale, which for someone only playing for a few weeks, is awesome.  Once 5 came, it was time to go home.  She couldn't give me a ride.  Her car was getting a tune-up, so her parents were coming by to pick her up.  But, it was alright.  A little rain never hurt me before.

What was going on outside, however, was no little rain.  It looked like God was spraying a jet hose on us.  But, I still had to deal with it, so, while she stood by the door to wait for her parents, I stepped outside.

The feeling I experienced that day is exactly like I experience it now.  It happens in slow motion.  I've been told it takes less than a second, but it feels like an eternity.  My body goes numb as the water washes over me, and my mind becomes very dull for that brief moment.  It's as if I'm not supposed to think about what's going on inside of me.  I should hear bones popping,  and realigning into place.  I should feel myself shrinking, and growing in places.  But, I feel nothing.

I stood there, numb to the world, when Cat's scream woke me out of my stupor.  I looked through the window to try and see, but only saw... Her.  The same face out of my nightmare, scared shitless and touching her face as if it wasn't real.

But, it was real.  I could feel her silky hand on my face.  I could feel the extra weight on my chest, causing my white shirt to become a looking glass.  I could feel myself being so much lighter.

But, worst of all, I heard.  I could hear her voice, now mine, asking herself about what just happened.  And, I could hear Cat, asking the questions that are now a staple in my life.

What?

How?

Why?

Why?  I ask myself why everyday... And I keep having to give myself the same answer.

I don't know...

***

C&C WANTED!!!  Do you hate my speaking voice?  Do you hate the story?  Do you hate me?  Well... I hope you don't hate me, but still, I want C&C.

If you must know, the sort of conjoined feeling of this story is because it was mainly written as three little segments put together.  There was the part about the dream, the segment of work, and then, the backstory.  The backstory was written new, but I've had parts of the work and dream sequence for awhile.  They were written while I was bored at work... if anyone would like to see the original ideas, I'll type them out real quickly.  Oh, and the prolouge has been edited, with 90% less elipses!

Thanks for reading, and I hope to have Chapter 2 done... whenever my muse attacks.
What sort of madness will I create today?"

acetalon

Yes, we all hate you Ryder.  

I talked to you a bit on AIM.  So... :p
emember Shades, Viva La resistance!

Real evil men doesn't fight you on the battlefield.  They plan and plot in their silk green rooms, fighting an enemy that exists only in their mind.

You may be one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person. Cheers
-Quassy

Dracos

As I noted by aim, this is an angstfest, for good or for bad.

Dracos
Well, Goodbye.

Olvelsper

Angst fest is the only fest!
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2589971/Ol%27Velsper : Then we will write in the shade.