Evil Commentary Bureau: The Lost ECBs

Started by Dracos, February 26, 2004, 08:15:48 PM

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Dracos

Over many server changes several ECBs have been lost to the dead of time, their topics obliterated by bad luck or various other fuckups.

Rather than creating a new topic for each of them, I'm just going to fling the ones that don't still have surviving topics here.

Evil Commentary Bureau versus Reviewer Without Ethics, Part 2

Evil Commentary Bureau versus no im not the other ppl on my ip adress

Evil Commentary Bureau versus The Life of Skysaber

Evil Commentary Bureau versus 'Look mommy, the bad men beat on me!'

Evil Commentary Bureau Versus Look At me, I'm ilitart!

Dracos

Edit: correcting URL from pishoque
Well, Goodbye.

Dracos

Welcome to another Evil Commentary Bureau production.  Today, we see submitted a fic idea and quite a whopper of one.  Rather than spoil the beauty of how utterly wretched this is, I'll save it for the actual line by line critique.

This will be stored on the ECB website: http://dracos.anifics.com

Feel free to come in and see us anytime.  The author of the idea being commented upon is allowed one response, either posted here in the original forum of contention or sent to the e-mail address: Dracos12@hotmail.com.  By the ethics of the Evil Commentary Bureau, we will not be able to distribute more than that level of attention to your specific case.  Though, if you try hard, someone else may submit you again.

This production is dedicated to a rather ardent fan of the Evil Commentary Bureau, Ranma007.  ^_^  Thanks for submitting this one and now I am happy to present:

"Evil Commentary Bureau versus Rape Fic in Planning!"

*Begin ECB*


ECB: *SNIP* Ignoring the opening remarks before the fic idea in the interests of time.

The original title was called "Pedophillia Profile" It isn't as sick as it sounds....well, not 3% of the way it sounds any way. Enjoy.

ECB: Roight.  And I own Japan.  Want to buy it?

^_^, yes, I know I'm sick. But the doctors told me it's due to working late and anime. Two horrible habit I can't stop doing no matter how dire the situation.

ECB: Well, glad that you know it.  It means you won't be surprised or offended when I accent that.



Happosai decides to use an ancient powder on Ranma's female form to get lucky with her. The powder Happi uses makes tall people fall
crazily inlove with shorter people, young or old, of the opposite gender(something devised in China some odd thousand years ago by a short emperor having trouble getting women). They not only do that, but they throw the victims hormones into a bundle and take away most of the victim's self control. Making them wanting to get lucky.

ECB: First off, reformatting this because your original formatting was really annoying to read.  On my screen it left like half the screen with blank space.  Given that Delphi autoformats stuff, you don't need to specially format to fourty-four characters a line.  Now, this is a rather contrived start to any idea.  Translating it from gibberish into more clear terms we get:
ECB: "Happosai found the ultimate date-rape drug and decided to use it on Ranma."
ECB: Nominally reading that, I'd think this would be well, a Dark fic idea.  Emphasis being on the darker aspects of characters and such.  But..will it be?  Let's move on, taking this slightly hard to swallow beginning for granted.

Before Happi could douse Ranma with cold water though, the fiances come in wanting Ranma to try their cooking. When Ranma starts falling under the influence of the powder and starts towards Akane, all of them uppercuts him(all at once) into LEO. Farther than Ranma has ever been hit too.

ECB: Uh huh.  Well, while it might be canon'ish to have Happosai screw this up royally, the fashion in which he does is almost OOC.  You'd think it would be from a distraction or something and involve Ranma already in female form, but then that wouldn't be good for your fic idea.  Now, admittingly, this  scenario could happen, but, like the rest of your scenarios before this point, it's not something that goes down well, being a contrivance that's unnecessary.  Of course it PALES in comparison to what follows...

When Ranma comes too, his ears are ringing, he has scratch marks on his back, and bite marks on his neck. His shirt is also missing as well and he's lying in the middle of Tokyo. Making his way back to Nerima, Ranma learns that he's been gone for nearly two weeks.

ECB: Okay, so the drug has been effecting him for two weeks...  And it killed his memory of it.  Nevermind that somehow Super-rapist Ranma only rapes three young underaged girls.  Nevermind that he apparently has been walking around tokyo drugged out of his mind to have sex with any female smaller than him.  He's only missing his shirt?  Really, what were you smoking on this one?  Please, throw it out.  Someone clearly gave you a bad joint.  And he's had these problems for two weeks now?  Or are we to assume that on the last day he dashed around and had sex with all three of them?

After straightening things out with the Tendos, Ranma is finally off the hook. Just when Akane is about to forgive him as well, Ryoko appears out of the blue with Ayeka, both trying to kill Ranma. Ranma manages to get away due to Akane Airlines.

ECB: Of course these two couldn't stop the raping of Ayeka's younger sister or track him down in Tokyo during the two weeks he's been wandering about.  Nope, not even with Washu's supercomputers could they do that!  Instead they can just find him when he gets home just as he's about to be forgiven...oh wait, and then he escapes by being knocked into the air.  Sounds perfectly legit doesn't it?
ECB: *Pssst*
ECB: What is it brain?
ECB: Ryoko can FLY and TELEPORT!
ECB: Oh yeah, DUH!  Getting knocked into the air isn't an escape route from Ryoko at all.  And I don't think it's one from Ayeka either if I read some of the OAV scenes correctly.  Either way, just so you don't miss it:
ECB: "This whole scene is full of shit up to it's eyebrows."

Landing just outside the dojo, Ranma meets a lady, Urd, who is also going to kill Ranma via energy blasts.

ECB: Uh huh.  Urd who mysteriously couldn't detect the drug before or counter it.  Couldn't find Ranma in the two weeks he's been traveling around despite being able to fly and having divine magical powers.  And of course she can't possibly hit Ranma with lightning or energy blasts despite him being stunned.  Truly, this is a sickening mixture of comedic effects and really dark subject material.  You involve mind-altering drugs and rape and then you turn it into slapstick?

After running into Ryouga and distracting Urd, Ranma finally manages to get away.

ECB: Okay, Kindly assuming that Ryouga hasn't heard where Ranma has been of late or any of what happened two weeks ago...  just seeing him in proximity to Urd would likely send Ryouga on the warpath.  So now Ranma not only can dodge Urd's magic but can also fight off Ryouga at the same time and then distract both of them to get away?  Introducing: SUPERGOD RAPIST RANMA!  STAR OF THE SHOW!

Turning a corner, Ranma meets Kuno and kicks his ass.

ECB: Just because.  Not for any plot purpose or because it fits in reasonably.  Nope.  Just because it's Kuno and you hate him so Ranma has to meet him and beat him up.  Otherwise it's not a Ranma fic eh?
ECB: I wonder if you even had your mind active when you were writing this.

Turning another corner, Ranma meets Shampoo who offers him food, Ukyo shows up and an arguements starts.

ECB: "and an argument starts".  Outside of that little minor thing, we see that Shampoo and Ukyo both couldn't find him in two weeks and apparently didn't even go looking for him at all.  They apparently knew he was going to come back and even have food ready for him when he does.  Whoopie!  Can we say reduced to fanon cliches people?

Mousse tries to fight Ranma, but is powed by Shampoo into LEO.

ECB: Again, not because it has any actual point in the story.  Nope.  It's here just because it's Mousse and it wouldn't possibly be a Ranma fic without Mousse bashing!  BASH THE MOUSSE!  HEAR HIM SQUEAL!  CRUSH HIS NADS!  And now we return to something far less interesting than a Lord of the Flies parody.

Suddenly, a red sport car appears out of nowhere and tries to run the three of them over. Ranma pushes the girls to the ground. The car turns and starts to come after him. Haruka is driving.

ECB: This is just brilliant.  We couldn't have the police involved in the rape case so they must be doing the usual: "We don't exist" sort of thing.  Which is why Haruka goes to try and murder Ranma in her own car in civilian clothes without any disguise!  It's not like it would be leaving a trail!  And she wouldn't only kill him but TWO COMPLETE INNOCENTS WITH HIM!  MARVELOUS!  Hell, for all she knows at this point they could be victims of his MAD RAPIST SKILLZ!  Nevermind that she has superheroine disguise powers and the ability to kill a normal person at two dozen paces easily without tracing it to herself.  She has to use her car with her license plate on it to try and kill him!
ECB: But enough about her.  Let's talk about him!  Ranma pushes the girls to the ground to avoid the car driving at them...  Result: *Bump bump* Haruka: Well, that was easy.  *Drives off*
ECB: Now assuming they don't go that way, what's the big threat?  They ALL can jump over a car and to a rooftop easily in the canon.  And they regularly take hits that would leave a car in shambles.
ECB: "I can just say, he certainly was up all night thinking of that one!"-Dracos McLogic

After a while, Ranma is finally cornered by and gets the crap beaten and blasts out of him.

ECB: After a while?  And yet again we see dark theme Rape and long term permanant type suffering matched with...Comedic Slapstick?  Anyone who laughs at this is either too ignorant to realize what's being written or really a sick bastard.  Seriously, Rape is not comedic.  The very nature of it is dark.  And you are only accenting the dark aspects of it in here...and then you try and build comedy from it?  *Shoots you*  Sick fuck, do not pass go.  Do not write.  Do not breed.

Ranma then wakes up in Tofu's office surrounded by the Tendos, Ryouga, the girls, the attackers, and three new girls.

ECB: Even in the canon of Ranma, they weren't this lax in their attitude towards enemies.  And what happened, they were trying to KILL him.  Not hurt him, KILL HIM.  Thus the whole CAR SCENE.  This wasn't an idle 'rival fight' or a 'martial arts duel', this was a: "Ah, *SQUISH* under my wheels!" type scene.  It is not the same for your information.  It has very different cononatations.  And is quite expected given what you put in the later part of this 'idea'.

Ranma starts to panic when Urd, Ayeka, and Ryoko starts charging up again. Haruka starts to advance on him, her fist ready. However, just when all hell is about to break loose, the three new girls step in and tells them to back off at once.

ECB: Uh Huh.  Now, apparently these rape victims are wishy washy.  Sometimes they hate him in the idea.  Sometimes they want to protect him.  And of course they all got there at once!  Perfect ain't it?
ECB: By the way, in case you missed it, and thus are confused at all the "RAPE" comments, your original description of the drug said NOTHING about it effecting whoever the partner is.  All it did was turn Ranma into an uninhibited sex-crazed individual.  Given that, I sincerely doubt any other description of a relationship outside of it being Rape with them.  After all, why would he care while under the influence?  I mean, SHIT, this drug was supposed to make it so he'd do HAPPOSAI without resisting.  The only logical conclusion is that he raped the girls and then ended up on the streets afterwards, though, FORGIVE ME FOR INTERJECTING LOGIC AND READING SKILLS INTO THIS IDEA.

The girls name are Sasami(the screamer), Hotaru (the scratcher), and Skuld(the biter). Apparently, they're girls that Ranma deflowered when he was under the influence of the powder.

ECB: Besides this being more information than I wanted to know, it only adds to the clear indication that he did indeed rape them.  Rape==Not Funny.  Definitively Not Funny.

Ayeka mentions something about tarnishing a royal member is
punishable by treason.

ECB: Fielding this one separately, though it goes with the next set.  That's meaningless.  You could say 'by death'.  It could 'be treason'.  Punishable by betraying one's country?  You need language lessons boy!

Ryoko says something about castration. Urd talks about pulling them off and crushing them. Haruka mutters something about being tied down and being run over.

ECB: And so they are all reduced to pathetic stereotypes.  Nevermind all the other characters in those series.  We'll just reduce a few characters to stereotypes and remove everyone else.  Personally, I cheer these few on even as they remain 2-d Stereotypes because at least they are being somewhat decent human beings.
ECB: ...

The Girls and Tendo don't take the news very well and a fight starts to ensue. Everyone tries to kill Ranma when all of a sudden, a senshi shows up, Saturn, a goddess, Tsunami, and a robot. Ranma ends up getting kicked out of the Tendo household.

ECB: BRILLIANT!  And then this happened.  And that!  AND THAT!  AND, wait a second... Saturn was there beforehand.  You are telling me that Skuld went without any machine backups?  You know what I think?  I think you wrote the pargraph above and these lines at a separate time.  That explains the total and absolute lack of continuity between them.  They weren't written on a single thought line.  Hell, I doubt you even looked up to check what you were adding on to when you added them.  Congratulations: Make Sense gives you an F!  F for FUCK YOU!

Akane says something about never caring anyway. Cologne comments to an upset Shampoo that it's against their laws to go after a man that has cosumated themselves with another woman, though there were three, because it is to respect their fellow woman who has the right to that man's body now. Ukyo leaves in silence. Kodachi was knocked out earlier by the break out.

ECB: And so, convienently, despite each and every one of them being dishonored in some way they all drop it instantly.  Yep, and Kodachi is just tossed aside.  I mean, it isn't like it would be terribly hard to handle these believably but that would take:
ECB: "WORK!  Just give me a little bit of W-O-R-K, WORK!"
ECB: Wow, working to have your fic idea Make just a small bit of Sense... no, that's HERESY!

It was decided that Ranma tries living with all three girl at different times. Starting with Hotaru. Then Skuld. Then Sasami.

ECB: Ignoring the fact that this is sick as hell for the rapist Ranma to then be invited to the girls houses, it's all based on some American ethics being projected onto anime fanfiction. If you are using those, you could at least keep the fact that it would be rape, given that they are mostly preteen girls incapable of given consent.  At LEAST one of your source materials has polygamy as a stated fact in it.  That being Tenchi.  It is NOT hard to see it fitting in with the others as well.  Besides that: This was a RAPE fic idea.  What the hell is with this 'trying them out for marriage' bit.  You are designing it along the lines of at least two of the girls being screwed over both literally and figuratively by Super Rapist Ranma who gets raped himself as well as he is drugged beyond the ability to consent to sex!  What a fic idea.

Because Ranma is going to have to marry one of them, since he tarnished Hotaru's honor. As for Skuld, a goddess is suppose to be married to the first person they willingly give their bodies too, or else, they lose their powers and become mortal.

ECB: This is another sort of hint that it wasn't Rape.  On the other hand, somehow Ranma without inhibitions managed to coax all three of these underaged girls into having sex with him on his first meeting with them.  And no, I won't swallow that he's been prince charming for a week before having sex with them.  Especially not in a drugged out of his mind state.
ECB: I know, it's all perfectly clear... the drug turned him into...
ECB: MEGAPLAYBOYRAPER RANMA!  COMPLETE WITH MEGAPLAYBOY POWERS!  RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE!
ECB: I see a future for this writer...  really I do!  It's in my trash pile!


(It's not like goddesses grow on trees you know?) And Sasami is now unable to marry anyone else because she had commited an act of taboo and may be exile, as well as having her Royal title taken away, unless Ranma marries her.

ECB: SURE.  WAY TO GO!  ...that's complete and utter bullshit and you know it.  I'm not going to credify this with anything else.

Life with Hotaru: The Truth Is Somewhere

ECB: It took a while, but I found you!  Hi, I'm Truth!

Haruka dumps Ranma at their place, where Ranma gets his head bitten off by just about every senshi there. Hotaru apologizes for their rudeness and shows Ranma to his Room...the linen closet? Michiru comes in and says that there was some kind of 'mistake' and takes
Ranma to his quarters...outside. Hotaru is embarrassed by the way they treat Ranma but Ranma says he understands.

ECB: Because they, I dunno, think he raped her like I do?  Because having to house a rapist is frightening?  Because NONE of them apparently know he was drugged or have any reason to as far as you've evidenced in your story so far?
ECB: "The funny be with someone else, always."-Not Obi-Wan Kenobi

Across the street, a boy name Junichiro watches everything. He suspects that everyone there is a witch planning to take over the world and thinks he's the only one to stop them. He thinks that the truth is in there somewhere.

ECB: Am I mistaken or is that the smell of random annoying new character!  Well, gosh darn it, it IS!  And he can see through the disguises apparently too!  And he can do magic and summon more powerful demons then the canon enemies!  And he calls them witches?  Beautiful here, really.  And they don't all live in the same house.  You don't necessarily indicate that you believe they do, but with your track record thus far, I can't help but make certain.

Ranma still attends Furikan but when he tries to speak to Akane, she ignores him. Nabiki makes Ranma pay for information. Meanwhile, at Mugen school, Junichiro is asking Hotaru questions about the mysterious 'boy' who is at their school. Hotaru tries to ignore him and be nice, but finally, Junichiro shouts out, "I know the truth about him and you Tomoe! I will tell it to everyone!"

ECB: Besides the continuity error of Ranma not being at their school and Nabiki being reduced to a 1-dimensional fanon extreme....  What is Hotaru being embarrased and such?  As far as I've seen of Hotaru she's use to being called a witch and and being placed as an outcast.  Sure, you COULD pull this off, but why?  There's no reason for it.

ECB: Wait Wait...I'm hearing it...
ECB: "Well, isn't that cuuuuute... BUT IT'S WRONG!"-Two Stupid dogs

Hotaru of course thinks that he is refering to the fact that she had been with Ranma and starts asking how. Junichiro says that he saw them. Hotaru starts to blush and runs off, humiliated. No one really paid much attention. Like Hotaru, Junichiro is considered a weirdo, a quack really.

ECB: We'll just ignore the character development here for the annoying new villian.
ECB: "To celebrate over crowding in school, a new student will be joining the class." –Ms. Bitters (for A.N.C. fics!)

On her way home, Hotaru doesn't want to see Ranma and wishes he'd never came into her life. Ranma, slightly hurt, goes into his tent saying, "Geez how's that for gratitude."

ECB: That's the most utterly stunning line in the entire fic idea.  Gratitude for what?
ECBHotaru: "Thank you Mr. MEGARAPIST Ranma for raping me and dishonoring me and making me more of an outcast.  May I have another sir?"
ECBRanma: "No, Hotaru, I am obviously too manly for your pre-teen self to handle!"
ECB: Remember: only by sharing our pain can we hope to...make other people feel bad, too.-Hotaru-chan
ECB: A disciple of Hotaru-chan I see!

Michiru than says to Ranma, "I think she's made the decision herself Ranma, please leave." Ranma starts to try to talk to Hotaru, but apparently it's useless. Ranma packs up and leaves.

ECB: Yes!  We go with random nonsensical hopping events!  WHEE!  VICTORY!  Anyhow, why should he care?  He has another two victims that will house him.  And that reminds me...What happened to Genma in this fic?  He's not shown up once in the entire fic.  I know:
ECB: "And so the fic began..."
ECBGenma: *Has a heart attack and DIES!*
ECB: Wow, he has the best part EVER!

Meanwhile, Junichiro is busy preparing a potion that will help him fight the witches. Unfortunately, he accidently reads the wrong chant and summons the rhyming demon Bass. The demon proceeds to attack Junichiro and the Outers comes to the rescue. However, Bass consume/eat magical energy and can throw them back. The Outers were quickly taken care off and Bass makes off with an unconscious
Saturn and Junichiro.

ECB: Potion -> Evil Demon who rhymes and eats magic.  Wow.  You know, Magic Eating Demons must be a dime a dozen for how easily people use them.  Just for Ranma to be a hero again eh?  Wow!  Hell, he isn't even necessary in this capacity.  You could just have Hotaru get cornered by a normal monster in a highly populated area and have Ranma come to the rescue.  But noooo you have to use a MAGIC EATING DEMON THAT CAN TAKE ALL THE SENSHI OUT!  Why?  Because it's the BESTEST WAY EVAR TO DO IT! </Sarcasm so heavy that I don't think you can actually see through it>

Ranma, feeling like he shouldn't give so easily, returns back to Hotaru's home. Only to find the next door with a large hole on the wall. The collective Outers, now back to themselves, tells Ranma that an evil monster made off with her and their neighbor. They tell Ranma to wait for help while they go off to get the police(secretly going to the inners), but Ranma hops off after Bass. Following the
path of destruction.

ECB: Why and WHY?!  AND WHY?!  AND WHY?!  -_-  And now the police are mentioned making the earlier bits less credible then before.  Why would it be at their house?  Why would it take Hotaru?  Why would the outers still be there?  Why would the outers tell Ranma?  Brain overload.  Too much stupidity.  Must just give random quote:
ECB: Man, did a claw shrimp get loose in here?-Penny arcade

Ranma enters a park area where Bass is keeping the children. Bass senses Ranma and the two goes at it. The Outers and Inners shows up to help, but quickly realizes that their abilities are useless in this fight. Ranma takes Bass by surprise and lures it away from the senshi.

ECB: Okay, let's see: Senshi Useless (Check), Random kids kidnapped for no reason (check), Monster intelligent except for Ranma being involved (Check), Ranma saves the day (Check).  Let's see what Washu's superlogiccomputer ECB has to say....
ECB: "Error.  Fanon Stupidity Detected."
ECB: And there you have it!

Ranma uses the Hirryuu Shouten Ha, but Bass swallows the whirlwind and throws it right back at Ranma. Ranma, who expected that attack and depended on it, gathers the wind and energy blasts that Bass throws along with the reflected HSH. Ranma than redirects the HSH/energy back at Bass with energy of his own, another Hirryuu Koran Dan. Bass's body was made to store magic energy, not large sum of air, Bass's body ends up exploding as it sucks in the HKD.

ECB: Grammar is bad, plot is worse.  Really, why is a rhyme/music based demon such a redirection of magic type demon?  It doesn't mesh.  And why could it absorb the first one and send it back but not the second?  hmmm
ECB: Neohowler: 1==0;
ECB: Logic failure.  Damage to internal brain circuitry of author!

When Ranma comes to, he's surrounded by the girls, in their street forms. Hotaru gives Ranma a huge hug when he sits up and says she's sorry for saying such mean things to Ranma. Ranma is about to respond when Keichii drives up in his motorcycle and asks if he was ready to stay with Skuld.

ECB: And the moral of today's story is: Beat up demons and everyone likes you even if you are a rapist!  WOW!  DEEP!
ECB: And even more absurd is the quick exchange going on here.  Utterly pointless.

Life with Skuld and Sasami needs to be fleshed out. Any suggestions?

ECB: Yeah, I just have one last thing to say...
ECB:"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."-Adam Sandler
*End ECB*

Needless to say, that flunked the make sense school of criticism.  It was wretched.  You started with a very dark base and then tried to work your way into slapstick comedy and then into loveydovey romance soapopera shit.  I feel sick from reading it.  Pardon me while I go to throw up.

Fearless Leader
"You're wrong. People are basically kind."-Alzrius
Well, Goodbye.