Dear gentle reader, we welcome you to the Katsucon edition of the Evil Commentary Bureau. Partying to the groovy beats of Rhapsody, Emerald Sword, I am glad to bring you another grand production of our group. Today, our writer is an infamous legend among fanfiction writers, Jared Ornstead, known to his peers as the illustrious Superspy, “Pheonix” Mage, and Godling: Skysaber. Not only is he legendary for the amount of Self Insertions he does -- and boy, does he do a lot of them or what? -- or for the amount of preaching that shows in his fics ("Remember folks, Akane is the DEVIL IN MORTAL FLESH! She will proceed to rend your soul!")... but what makes him truly a legend amongst legends is the fact that he believes himself a genius beyond compare for mortal kin.
In order for those unfamiliar with Jared's astounding brilliance to appreciate this Evil Commentary Bureau production, we have gone through great lengths to put together a collage of some of his more amazing works, recorded for posterity's sake by hard-working ECB members. Sparing you examples of the great lengths he goes to create an image of devil Akane the extent to which his influence has spread into a fanatic squad of supporters for later, we would first like to give you, gentle readers, a few highlights of this noble saint's career in fanfiction, so that you may also be able to bask in his holy magnificence.
First off, let's consider his first great epic fic, Mirrors Multiplied, nineteen chapters long and responsible for him ‘abandoning’ fanfiction the first time, citing how cruel people were for telling him 'he couldn't write what he wanted to'. Specifically, the one who wrote Skysaber was his good friend, Jim Bader, who strived to convince him that publishing what could only be called mindless drivel was foolishness. I have to admit even I find it remarkable that BADER, Lesbian Obsessive Harem Extremist, can look down on Skysaber and say, "Sir, you are completely full of shit". Apparently, even someone with so little consideration for realism in his fics could not bring himself to swallow the ranting that Skysaber wished to feed him. On a personal note, we of the ECB find this incredibly petty... and take a guilty pleasure in it, as petty defines the venerable superspy to a tee. After all, not only did he have his break up with his friend, he felt the need to publicly present a priceless example of whining in a chapter of his own fic, found here for your convenience: Mirrors Multiplied Chapter 19. Admirable, isn't it? How Skysaber rewards people who offer him valuable comments and criticism, that is -- he just smears them in the preface of his fic!
If you follow that link, you would also get your first glimpse of Skysaber, Genius At Large Who Makes Washu Eat His Dust. With knowledge comes responsibility, and thus this brilliant mind belonging to the Saintly Superspy preaches to us modestly about the greed and stupidity of our scienists. He shares with us his ultimate invention, the Tesla Battery; that brainchild of Skysaber which is capable of defying the laws of conservation of energy by producing limitless energy, recycling electricity internally and still giving off energy to spare! Scholars worldwide were awed by Skysaber's ultimate mathematical principle -- Nothing==Something -- while perpetual motion machines run the world. Using this to end the last written chapter of Mirrors Multiplied was truly dramatic, and we would like to applaud this brilliant author for gracing us with a tiny fraction of his greatness. Now, most sensible readers were able to ignore his 'scientific' and 'social' theories, which had littered Mirrors Multiplied. After all, it won't be the first time we readers ignored inane rants in the body of the fic. Some of us undoubtedly believed that he will get over it. However, it should be known that there is no ego large enough to rival Skysaber's, just as there is no ego as conceited or arrogant. No, gentle readers, based on the evidence at hand, from the horse's mouth itself, we can firmly conclude that Skysaber's ego is in a class of its own... and that, people, is nothing to be proud of.
That was only the first presentation of many, we later regretfully learned, of Skysaber's special ‘wit’ and ‘scientific’ mind. Jared 'Asylum Boy' Ornstead's next wonder came in the form of his great SI novel, Otaku Reflected, Book 4: Skysaber's Choice. Herein, the noble avatar of Fanfiction's Gift to Readers sought to explain to us how the entirety of the school system was absurd and designed to produce braindead zombies. Geniuses, we learned, don't need no puny degrees! Heck, they don't need to go to school, or read books, or learn from professors and teachers! Skysaber's teachings guarantee it, leaving no room for doubt or dissent. Those of you who have been deprived of his infinite wisdom over the course of your education would probably wonder at how one hundred percent of students can fit into that single percent without the term losing its meaning, you poor souls. And then, if that wasn't enough, the self-proclaimed genius in warfare definitely established himself capable of showing up trained professionals... by pointing out the flaws in 'Dual!' -- a parody of mecha combat anime! Weak, Skysaber, WEAK. What next, going to show up a three year old in tactics? By this time, he had shed his protective skin of the poor, defenseless character of Ranma. Now he was directly preaching in his fics, whispering words of wisdom into the ear of his SI'd prophet, so that he could deliver to us all the Word of Skysaber.
It was around this time that far more of his former friends had Seen the Light, and abandoned the lost cause called Skysaber; a few remaining friends, however, hung on even as he fled from harsh criticism for this lunacy of his creation, supporting him through his darkness. I was once one of these fools, so I can take a moment to give a glimpse of how Jared Ornstead tries to manipulate those around him. To those who praise him at their first contact with him, he showers glory upon them, using his talented tongue to convince them of the horror of those who've attacked him in the past. After playing upon the sympathies of those who listen to him, he will proceed to reveal how weak and helpless he is to bind you to him. After all, how could any compassionate individual take a shot at this poor, abused, pitiful and yet infinitely kind human being?
Unfortunately, it is known that though no matter how squeamish, eventually the truth comes forth. Returning to the fray, Skysaber posted what was then and still remains at this point in time one of the most ridiculous math essays we of the Evil Commentary Bureau have ever seen. In fact, if we were allowed to speculate, we would like to say that this 'essay' would retain its place of honor in the future as well. In his Divide By Zero essay (Divide By Zero), his 'dissertation as every great man does', he attempts to show us all how to divide by zero. And fails. Fails the Logic Test, that is. But hey, don't take our word for it! Listen to Bjorn's great words of wisdom, as he sneers at Skysaber's arrogant tone and inane childishness and rips his pipe dreams to shreds in a previous ECB production: Bjorn Versus Skysaber: Divide By Zero.
Well, if that
wasn't enough, Jared Ornstead made a posting run by
several forums which contained fans of his, raving about how we were all about
to die in his “A-Bombs
are falling on my head” rant.
Indeed, it is rare you see an author who so fervently prays for the
death of all his fans and makes sure they know: DEATH IS COMING! WITH BIG NUCLEAR MISSILE FANGS! LEARN HOW TO SCAVENGE BUGS FOR FOOD! We, Evil Commentary Bureau members gawked
incredulously to hear Skysaber refer to the impending
(in his mind) World War III as the “Greatest Show on Earth”. Truthfully, if
this isn't a good example of the depth of his depravity, we would like to hear
your input on what is. After all, what
kind of a sociopath can find it within himself to cheer about the potential
deaths of millions? Even if it is
foreseen, any moral individual would view this disaster with a sense of horror
and infinite sorrow.... "Be ye
therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful"-Luke
Of course, this all ended up leaving him more enemies around the fanfiction world then he could count. After all, publishing doomsayer stuff in every forum he can find definitely isn't going to win friends. Hoping for the worst case scenario to happen only made it worse. Brilliant move there, oh Reverend of Doom. So, was this fine paragon of humanity ready in having quit while not too far behind, leaving entire online communities of people united in their thought of "My GOD, That Man Is Stupid" and their desire for him to just stop posting rubbish? No, naturally. He could not possibly be content with just privately ranting to those who want to hear it, and decided to go public again. Skysaber proceeded to publish the most ambitious yet of his rants, doing it -- where else? -- in his SI fic. He decided to take on Evolution, with his Naked Genius at his side. And boy, did he have an axe to grind. Quoth: "You were not satisfied with a light and gentle overview of some of the known facts disproving Darwinism. So I had to go back and select a small sample of the details to grind your noses in." Dem be FIGHTING WORDS, no? And with this proud start he tossed his rant at the public, unwilling to keep it to the privacy of his own logic-proof home.
Needless to say, this was his second clash with the Evil Commentary Bureau, as our own Rezantis demonstrated the skills that earned him the title of "Supreme Sultan of Skysaber-Slam" (Quoth Bjorn Christianson) for his rebuttal of Skysaber. Unlike what the title may suggest, Rezantis didn't flame Skysaber or was particularly mean to the good ol' conspiracy theorist. His rebuttal was fairly polite as far as the environment went.... Unfortunately, the truth hurts, and this was the second time that Skysaber left the world of fanfiction for good, never to return. The aforementioned debate is stored for posterity's sake at: Rezantis Versus Skysaber: Genius of Debate. There you can read both Skysaber's no longer available 'debate' against a 'college professor' which was an insult to institutions of higher learning everywhere. ECB Member Azalyn would like to say this to the Boy Wonder: "You have debated me to a standstill."-Laf. Of course, if he wanted a debate, Rezantis was happy to oblige him with the forces of logic and learning at his side! Needless to say, this was the last we heard of him since September 2002 as he left, stating in no uncertain words, "If I never post again, it will only be too soon." Wow! Really? What is all of this then? Like all the rest though, we at the Evil Commentary Bureau wish to offer our extreme JOY at the return of Skysaber to public forum. Complete with a spankin' brand-new, publicly-posted rant on fanfiction.net condemning us all to hell! Comedy GOLD!
It seems certain now that Skysaber desires to be a form of dramatic martyr. To use his own weakness to propagate his popularity to greater levels than ever before! In the words of the journalist Christopher Hitchens, we are glad to inform Skysaber that if "You want to be a martyr? We're here to help." That's right! As the most popular submission to the Evil Commentary Bureau ever, Skysaber Fanfiction.net Bio have garnered over fifty separate requests for an ECB! He must be thrilled at getting a grandiose Evil Commentary Bureau criticism upon his glorious return from that place no fanfiction author who ever braved there had ever returned from. We of the Evil Commentary Bureau just have to thank Jared Ornstead for managing the impossible, having united Thermopyle, Carthrat, ComradeMaoh, Rezantis, Shi, and myself along with almost the entirety of two forums, one of which being the most solid Anti-Akane forum on the net, in their disgust of him. Such a feat belongs only to the most despicable of villains who can cause all of their enemies to unite in their mutual disgust of him! Therefore, I would like to begin by awarding Jared Ornstead the first Annual Evil Commentary Bureau Kaipito award. We hope that he wears this title with all of the dignity and honor that it bestows upon him. And... who knows? He might even have a matching set by next year.
As always this Evil Commentary Bureau production will be stored on the Evil Commentary Bureau website, http://dracos.anifics.com. Do feel free to drop by and give us a wave, we’re darn friendly blokes and always love meeting any of our readers. We also provide in the tradition of the Evil Commentary Bureau a single response to Jared Ornstead for his use, to be used however he pleases provided it is sent to the ECB founder’s e-mail box at: dracos12@hotmail.com. We are most apologetic that we cannot offer more than a single response, but we are very busy people and the demand for our work is quite large.
Now having concluded with the preliminaries, we are proud to present for your entertainment:
"Evil Commentary Bureau Versus The Life Of Skysaber"
*Begin ECB*
I am going to get hurt for this.
ECB: Yes. After all, "Sticks and Stones can never hurt me, but a few words will lay me low in a heartbeat!" Right? After all, for someone to publicly respond to what you publicly post in the same fashion you post it is certain to be cruel and mean! For Shame, all of you reading this should feel sorrowful! A man is being caused great pain by these words. Why, it might almost be compared to having ten thousand volts of vicious poisonous criticism running through his veins!
I know it.
ECB: OF COURSE you know it. You're not stupid, just whiny and delusional. Having left for good and come back several times by now, you should know far too well its effects. Especially when you go as far as to publicly take a swipe at hundreds of individuals.... I mean, damn, no one could possibly not see a response to THAT! Way to see the future, bloke! You're almost a natural Cleo!
I am going to endure scorn and ridicule for not dropping out and staying gone.
ECB: Far from it my DEAR, BELOVED friend. It's the fact that not only did you drop out with a swipe at the entire fanfiction community but you came back with a few swipes to complement it and a virtually stolen hellfire and brimstone speech for them! Indeed, they should be feeling a warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness at your return, should they not? Well, perhaps they feel the warm feeling of absolute rage at you taking a moment to publicly swipe at them and then preface it with a "yeah, I'm just going to get scorn because I didn't stay gone!" Logic Check Fails. Skysaberian Logic rules the day! Fear the Power of Osmosis and run for your life, Real Logic! Run, Logic, run!
But while there will be mocking, scorn and laughter at my expense, there is also going to be something else.
ECB: We ask you for a moment of silence, for Logic has died. Instead we find the wan justification of a pale and skinny fool, seeking the admiration of his peers as he takes a swipe at the world with a weak and gnarled hand. Truthfully, if you want to write fics, go write them. No one gives a shit about your fics save your fanatical fanclub. You'd be far better served circulating your stuff in a private Skysaber mailing list and not publicly asking people to give you a verbal blowjob while at the same time going out of your way to make enemies and spread misinformation. "Wait, you mean there's another way to do things that doesn't piss people off?" / "Yes, quit being you."
You see, it came to me, from those many trying to convince me to end my seclusion (and to many of whom I responded with scorn - my deepest apologies)
ECB: Of course, because they==us. They represent your fans, who will, of course, continue to grovel before you despite you kicking them in the face in anger. After all, responding to Bjorn or Rezantis, or any of the others that responded to your 'articles', would be actually a show of bravery; you would have to put your fear aside, stand up and speak for what you believe in! Oh no, that would actually indicate that you have a bit of a spine! Mr. "Yes, I've Been Under Fire Before And I Know What I Am Like. Serious And Cool And Shit!" Well then, when push comes to shove, in the mere realm of verbal discussion you've shown less spine than a five-year-old Shinji and a tail as yellow as any we've ever seen. A single disagreement to you renders you seething in rage, hysterical and base, lashing back in hypocrisy. Lo, here be the true Jared Ornstead, a man who surrounds himself in lies and twists the word of he who he would claim as his Lord for mundane battles of words, cowardly fleeing when this protective blanket of lies is torn from his face! His poisoned words of underlying hate are revealed for the furious howls of a coward as he screams curses at his betters.
, that it was all my friends and those who loved me (and my works) that I was hurting.
ECB: It took you this long to realize this you yellow-bellied buffoon? No, I doubt you ever did realize it. Instead you will simply return unto your normal sulking at being revealed for what you are. You will ignore ways to evade harm and still accomplish what you claim to seek, because they do not lead to the highest levels of glory and infamy. You achieve pain only because you hide from the truth. To those who embrace the truth, nothing anyone says can hurt them. No words of hate or anger can penetrate their understanding of themselves. But to a coward such as yeself, trapped in webs of lies and deceit, it is a sword of truth, wrapped in flames that burn away your protective coating of lies and reveal your petty childish self for what it is.
My enemies crowed in delight, because, really, they’d won.
ECB: Actually, to be perfectly honest, I know at least Rezantis was hoping for a bit more of a struggle. I know I was. So were all the other members of the ECB, who felt cheated out of their number one source of amusement by your lack of a fighting spirit. After all, for a man who claims such powerful temperament, who wishes to stand bravely against the forces of darkness, you sure run fast enough. I'll posit another scenario for you... You are the force of darkness and decay, trapped by the lies and deceits of others, so covered by darkness that you cannot even bear to look upon the light. You've been lied too and tricked to the point of verily thinking that you are doing what is right and just! For not the devil a swift forked tongue to trap thy soul with? You will not allow yourself to doubt, and in that he has you easily my 'dear friend'. And so you go forth and do his work, spreading ignorance in the name of 'good'. You try convincing others to close their minds to what will be said, and listen only to what you want them to hear. But do not worry! There are those who have seen the light! Those who strive to save you! No matter what they name themselves, for is not language designed to cloak the truth from the eyes of the unwary? 'Lo look upon yeself and see, wrapped in the black lies of your predecessors, a scrawny cursed being! Your life of hardship is entirely thy own doing! Your enemies, those who would in other terms be thy friends save for your own black treacheries! I am glad to welcome you into the world as it really is, uncolored by rose glasses provided by your mind. Nevermind, forgot who I was talking to... take heart, touchy poseur, for even if you do not believe me, this will amuse many who see your twisted form trying to strike them.
Well, hurting all the ones who care for you and making glad all those who hate you ought to be clue enough to anyone that you’d done the wrong thing.
ECB: Well, why do you do it so often then, my dear Mr. Holmes? Turn inwards, and ask thyself that. What could the answer be... what could possibly turn your friends against you so often? Perhaps it is not they who are evil, but you who are mad? No... wait, that's the fantasy! You are good and kind and don't hurt anyone and everyone loves you! No! Wait, you are a martyr! Making your mistakes and taking your pain solely for the good of others.... Nevermind that no one is benefited by your public spittle. Take your grotesque member and stop jacking off on my Internet. It's disgusting.
Even so I nearly turned from a return, thinking I would instead prefer solitude and silence to a return to enduring scorn.
ECB: Bullshit. As you've said plenty of times before, you crave praise. It is your godsend... your God-given right! Never would any accuse you of such crimes as restraint or humility. No, your virtue of hubris beyond hubris shines clearly.
But, there was one letter that touched me more than all the others did. I was a schmuck, I still haven’t replied to it. But I’ve read it many times.
ECB: Wow, you really are slime. To think... thrice he stood up proudly to defend you -- in an encouraging email to you, a discussion at a forum where the regulars have had enough of your hypocritical whining, and one more time by continuing the debate in email -- and in exchange you ignored him and his deeds?! Foul worm, you are unworthy of any praise by one such as he. So happily do you write here demeaning yourself publicly and then proceeding to condemn others when in all this time even a simple thank you had never been sent! Yet another showing of the Real Skysaber, a being of overweening pride and an ego that is light years ahead of what it has any right to be, too weak to reach out, only strong enough to run away or curse at a distance. Show proudly your true self, full of bluster and stolen litany to stand trembling before the sands of time.
Gosh, you know? The person on the other end of that email sounded so much like me: hurting and wounded and gentle, but pleading with soft and reasonable words that I was important to him in making his own hard life more bearable.
ECB: Golly, he sounds a good deal BETTER than you. Acts a good deal better than you, too. We get to see some bravery to back up his gentle words, at least. Though, do feel quite brave, as you use those who would cleave to you as friends again... as tools. He makes a good shield, doesn't he? To the brave soul who stands as a shield before this twisted cretin, I pity you. I am sorrowed by the fact that one day he will fail to appreciate your gesture and stab you in the back, as he has done to all who have stood by him in the past. It is his way. I offer this advice: do not hate him for it. He cannot help it.
That my works mattered, because without them he had less with which to deal with his own strength-sapping sorrows.
ECB: Powerfully moving. I applaud the attempt! Now, why exactly didn't you just add him to the private email list that you use to distribute your fics regularly from, anyways? Was there not enough drama to it? Did it not let you quote General McArthur as you proudly indicated you wanted to return not to the field of writing, but that of battle? Damn, every little jab must hurt. But don't worry, you can protect yourself. Just discount this as lies. They sound pretty hateful and venomous, after all. It shouldn't take you that long to convince yourself that I am a demon in mortal guise. Hell, I'll even go out of my way to help you have that notion! A word of advice, though. If you really wanted to get an appropriate quote for your return, why didn't you use one from a French general of your choice? You and I both know that it would have suited you far better.
It felt like facing myself at the judgement seat, waiting to pass sentence on a man who had done nothing to earn the hardship I was about to inflict on him. Well, so much for that. Here’s the reprieve.
ECB: That makes me laugh. Hard. You are prideful. Fancy yourself a godly judge now do we? Jared Ornstead who dost worship a graven image of himself in the place of his own god. Having blinded himself with vanity he cannot hear the calls of truth, they seem but belittling catcalls to one such as he! Dinnae worry, we're here for ya, martyr. We'll make your show a grand one. The Greatest Show On Earth, even!
It may be too soon by my earlier thinking, but I may as well make it as open and public as possible.
ECB: Actually, the only problem with your return is that the bets on how long it would take were misplaced by ComradeMaoh. Therefore, the winner couldn't get his prize and glory. Tragic, no?
Those who hate me seem strangely obsessive about seeking me out and would doubtless find me out to heap scorn upon me if I were to bring a webserver to life on the dark side of the moon.
ECB: And that's why you start on a site that not only has a huge bit of traffic, but publically reports every new author and every new fic posted to it. The site which has been the cornerstone of fanfiction on the web for the past several years. And then, you proceed to wish for scorn by condemning us and comparing us to the knights. Lemme let you in on a little secret. I've of late chatted with quite a few knights. Even opened flamewar battles with them. And I have yet to meet the knight who could flame to the point that a kindergartener would be offended, save by perhaps stupidity. Amazing, that, isn't it? So, in comparing us to little pathetic wussies and condemning us to hell you... made your prophecy here a SELF-FULFILLING ONE! This seems like a place for a 'Duh!', but unfortunately, I don't have enough space in this ECB for a 'Duh!' large enough to properly express my feelings. You offended even neutrals with your hellfire and damnation speech to the point they were waiting to cheer your fall. Why was this? What could be so offensive? Could it be your tendency to treat large groups as single individuals? To curse everyone based on your imaginary encounters with just one person? Or maybe it's just that you are an asshole and people like to take the chance to fuck you over when you constantly moon them.
If I am to endure the scathing of their bitter hatred no matter where I make my return I may as well spread the soothing balm of benefit as far as I can reach with it, that I can do the most good I can to those willing and able to receive it.
ECB: You should've used lube instead, Fool. Again, you treat us to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps were you not so arrogant and blind, a wyrm twitching about, uncaring that all he crushes is his friends to the jeers of his enemies, you would see this. But wait, you have returned to make more enemies than you did when you left! I have it straight from Shade himself that he is also displeased with your return. Stealing his characters and not even having the decency to disclaim them as his. For shame, you border plagiarism thief! Just so you don't think I'm lying, logs directly from the discussion:
[21:54] <Death> that's not even funny
[
[21:55] <Death> shit, people are going to think those are his characters, not mine >_<
ECB: Congratulations Jared! A WINNER IS YOU!
ECB: Shade asked for a message to be conveyed, to indicate his feelings on the subject in addition to the logs he approved for public display: "You once told me my words were like a knife in the back to you. Your lack of a disclaimer is a knife in mine."
ECB: What a good friend you are Jared. Who wouldn't love a man like you?
To those others: Those on forums I cannot help but think as equals to the Knights of the Terrible Fiancee, who are fully to blame for just as much hardship and loss and ill-feeling amid your unending streams of bile-broken authors you *claimed* to enjoy.
ECB: Oh boy, I did more than claim. I gave gifts to ye. Time and sweat and blood were laid at the feet of your craven ego. Appreciate this you did not. I wonder how many others fell to the same trap. Vile words you are met with, priestly scum? It be only a brew of your own making! Drink up, it’s poison.
There is very little point in appealing to your reason, sense of compassion, or honesty.
ECB: But that is exactly what you have appealed to! You have appealed to my sense of honesty to tell the truth, no matter how much it will hurt the person receiving it. You have appealed to my sense of compassion to strike only once, revealing the truth in all of its horrifying glory, rather than leave a man trapped in lies! You have appealed to my reason, which remains so highly lauded for allowing me to perceive realms of truth within even complicated twists of lies. To these things you have appealed, and so I do grant you the fruits of your hard labor. Know that this medicine is bitter, but behind it lies wisdom. Suffer proudly, oh Vain One.
Very few of you seem to think those virtues.
ECB: In fact, the ECB was founded upon those principles. As its founder, I hold them dear. My hand is guided by compassion and truth in these matters. Thus, feel the justice of thine God!
But I would ask you one question, for you to answer in the silence of your own souls.
ECB: Okay. Here is where you stop having any level of sympathy and start going hellfire and damnation. Instead, I'll answer your silence with an observation of my own:
ECB:"I am the Scourge of God. If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon You."-Genghis Khan
ECB: 'Lo does the favor of heaven indicate itself in the world of mortals, dost not your god work in mysterious ways? Truth be upon you! Fundy bastard.
What if God is real?
ECB: Woot! That's cool. I'd love to find out that. Then I could turn around to all those philosophers trying to justify his existence and say: "Why the fuck did you screw up so badly if he actually does exist!" The further I go into advanced philosophy the less I find the arguments for God's existence to be grounded in anything beyond simple hopefulness. Just a turn around for you, what if God isn’t real? Hum? What then? Is that the sound of silence I hear?
ECB: Azalyn would like to humbly add: "My god has a bigger dick than your god."-George Carlin
What if all those words about do unto others as you would have them do unto you weren’t just trite phrases?
ECB: I think you spun it right. Thus, you should expect the following. To backstab, to betray, to steal, and to belittle are crimes you have committed in the past -- all for the sake of your own vanity. Quite fitting is the thorny crown you bear upon your brow as I return unto you the sins that you have asked for. But, in the interest of fairness, I will also answer you comment. Truthfully, I would be delighted to find that most see fit to be direct and straightforward with me, uncaring of my 'sensitivities' as they proceed to render unvarnished truth to me. After all, it's an indication of at least minimal respect. You should have felt honored.
What if the Savior’s promise that inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my bretheren, ye have do it unto me, really was the case?
ECB: Mwahahaha. You amuse me so much. Your rhetoric parallels Jack T Chick's infamous religious tracts almost
perfectly. Complete to the idiocy
contained within them. Just to remind
you of what you, in blind hate, preach:
ECB: "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do
good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and
persecute you"- Matthew 5:44
What if all those Sunday school phrases of scripture really were what he meant when he asked us to love one another? To go and do as the good samaritan? Fools mock but they shall mourn?
ECB: I, personally, went to Saturday school rather than Sunday school. Happened to be the odd duck who studied the history and culture of the faith over the rhetoric. But, truthfully, if love means to lie, betray and cheat, I would rather hate. If good means to run in fear from mere words and to throw spittle from afar, I would rather be evil. Go Evil!
What if, at the end of life, you really will be called to account for all of your doings here in this life at the foot of the throne of a God who cannot be lied to, cannot be decieved, and who knows everything you ever thought or did with a perfect clarity and loved each and every person you did them to?
ECB: Then, in perfect honesty, I will gladly take what is mine. What of you though, Cowardly One? Will you tell him how you groveled for praise, shaming thy mind and body? How you showed cowardice over bravery, at mere words of criticism? How you would lie to friends and take to bosom the false praise upon your graven idol? I imagine the welcoming for you would be grand indeed!
ECB: Just to help you out, cause I’m ‘kind’ that way: “deceived” not “decieved”.
What will you say when you are called to give an account of this life?
If you have done nothing wrong then surely no guilt will tear at you.
ECB: Amazing. Well, by your definition, I do nothing wrong. Glad to be absolved. I wonder, does your hand tremble with guilt as you post? Or do you just call it fear?
But perhaps you might chance to slack a bit on your vehement urge to slash and scourge all those who commit the dubious crime of disagreeing with you. Better safe than sorry, right?
ECB: Damn right! We shouldn't even go outside! After all, Nasty Evil Men who SAY MEAN THINGS might SAY MEAN THINGS to us. No... wait! We have PHONES! They might call us and say NASTY MEAN THINGS to us! Oh, the horror! Better safe than sorry, let's throw those out. Same with television and the Internet! We'll be safe, right? No, wait, we might catch a DISEASE! Or trip and fall! Or DIE OF OLD AGE! GOD FORBID! I guess we shouldn't ever leave the womb, right? Better safe than sorry! No, wait, we could die there too! We are only as safe there as long as our mothers are. I guess we should just never be born.... No EVIL MEN WHO SAY MEAN THINGS will SAY MEAN THINGS if we don't exist. Better safe than sorry, no?
I am not breaking into your websites to write these things. You have come to mine to read them.
ECB: Fact is, your stupidity is so offensive that its foul stench crosses electrons and HURTS OUR DELICATE NOSES. And then, there are some who come to this public forum known as Fanfiction.net, which is far from being a private site by any definition, and happen upon it. Or, to be more truthful, ECB fans happened upon it, and submitted it... multiple times. Amazing, that. You'd think it was, umm... announced on the Fanfiction.net page, wouldn't you?
Therefore, if you are offended, who else do you have to blame but yourself? Someday you and I will stand before the Great Jehova, the Eternal Judge of both Quick and Dead.
ECB: Wait you mean...
ECB: I have to remember to thank Gregg Sharp for unwittingly providing that wonderful image for the Evil Commentary Bureau to use.
Do not imagine then that he will be impressed by your childish antics or mocking laughter. Do not fool yourself into thinking that because you ran about doing harm, never thinking of the eternal consequences of your actions, that he will own you at the last day.
Nay, but ye will be forced to admit that the devil was your master, and ye are his children, before ye are dragged off to a torment that hath no end.
ECB: Amen, Skysaber. Wait, I forget, I don't pray to a graven image of myself like you do. Anyhow, fire and brimstone. Sounds comfy. Last one to get there buys the beer.
I call upon you, in the name of Almighty God, to repent before that day.
ECB: My GOD, even proper, God-loving and God-fearing Christians are ashamed to be associated with you, Skysaber. To put it in a language even you could underand... you give them a bad name. Just reciting a bit of your ramble before an orthodox church turned the priest red with anger and shame that their peaceful and kind religion was being so twisted by a prideful youth for a petty cause. Shut yer trap before you cause religious folks with actual dignity, who are doing a good job spreading the word of God, to go hide in shame at your disgraceful actions!
Else your souls shall be damned and ye be dragged down to an endless torment. How terrible ye know not. How hard to bear ye know not. But which has been likened unto a lake of fire and brimstone, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever and hath no end.
ECB: Cool. As I said, I'll see your ass there, Assbitch.
I say it, and do not lie, as ye yourselves shall be witnesses at the last day.
ECB:"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."-James Downey
ECB: Many a Kaipito have been deemed worthy of receiving this high praise, but rest assured, Jared "Superspy “Pheonix” Mage Skysaber" Ornstead. You are the most deserving of all. In fact, if I hadn't known any better, I would have said that James Downey was talking about one of your nicks.
*End ECB*
Woot! Over and done with. What a turnaround time. I have to take a moment to thank the innumerable souls who helped out on this project. Not the least of which are Gregg "Metroanime" Sharp with his valuable, if unwitting, source material donations; Brian Randall with his expert photo shopping skills and quick response time; ComradeMaoh and Ranma007 for their donation of their madly elite history research skills to provide the Khan quotes I was seeking; Rezantis and Bjorn for their previous contributions to the ECB regarding this issue; Inuyasha-chan and Slacker for their Christian-background commentary and help in researching relevant passages; Shade for his time to be interviewed and the statements he offered; and, last but not least, the entirety of Delphi Fanfic forums, Soulriders forums, and the evil people at irc.nabiki.com for being terribly supportive and helpful with the writing of this. Additionally, I’d like to especially thank the prereaders for their input: Shade, Corwin, Ranma007, and Rezantis.
It's been simply a pleasure to do this review of Jared "Skysaber" Ornstead's life in the fanfiction world. I hope all of our readers enjoyed this quite as much as I did. Normally, we would see a grading on this, but I will not dirty the Make Sense school of criticism by allowing it to be applied so improperly. Therefore, I shall simply end this with a signature. Goodbye, Skysaber.
Kind Fearless Leader
"Be Brutal, Be Methodical, Show no Quarter and put on a Good Show."-The Precepts of the ECB