Tonight we bring you a random drawing out of our ever growing submissions pile. And...a thank you to FFnet for providing such a solid source of bad fics. It used to be fics bad enough to be ECB'ed wouldn't get hosting for any prolonged time, but that's a thing of the past! Anyhow, this will be a fair and impartial commentary on the fic and my own first read through of this particular submission. The author is allowed a single response sent to: Dracos12@hotmail.com. We are sorry but we will be unable to respond to further correspondance beyond that due to the ever busy schedule of the bureau. Now, with the pleasantries out of the way, I present... "Evil Commentary Bureau versus Too Much Bad Rape" Seven Hells Of Darkness Chapter 1 Too much pain ECB: Title is okay, though putting it on two lines would be wise. I guess we could take your author name from your profile as this is probably the only place the fic is stored...but it is still missing something. What's that, you say? Oh...maybe the disclaimer indicating which sources you are borrowing from? That might be well, nice and all. ECBFormatting: And a colon or two never hurt anybody. Akane's eyes welled up in tears at Ranma's last comment she couldn't believe he had said the thing that had hurt her most. ECB: Wow, what an opener. Right in the middle of some scene. Would've hurt that much to give some lead up? Scattered scene design really makes everything run nicely. ECBReader: Yay, I'm lost by sentence one! She bowed her head not wanting him to see her tears. ECB: HORROR! SHOCK AND HORROR! Akane is hurt! Sorry, with this lead in I find this more comical than 'sad'. She felt her hand shake then she reached out and slapped him across the face tears fell from her eyes as they glimmered in the light and she ran off. ECB: I sense melodrama! Flashback ECB: You know, while this works, a bar across the screen or "***" or some other separator goes rather nicely towards making your fic look more professional and neat. Ranma had refused to eat her "muffins of death" he called them. ECB: 'her "Muffins of Death", as he called them.' She shoved one in his mouth and he rolled over anime style and pretended to choke. ECB: Pretended to choke? I dunno, if someone stuffed a muffin in my mouth odds are I wouldn't have to pretend. Outside of that, nice missing the humor in the Ranma/Akane cooking scenes. Part of the comedy is that her cooking really is that bad. Not that he's just picking on her. Anyhow, make sense dictates we accept Ranma's just being an asshole here. ECB: Anime style? What, praytell, is rolling over 'anime style'? Does it differ perhaps in some key way from rolling over and faking death in real life? I know! It's Anime Style, so it must be cooler! She growled and hit him with the tray holding the muffins. He got up pissed off with a large bump on his head "your cooking is the same level as your martial arts skill! Like crap!" he said. ECB: Yeah, a classic "She did" "he did" "She did" "He said" scene. You know a fic isn't complete until it's provided a scene that is so trite! He was shocked at his own words. ECB: Why? Unless I misrecall, he belittles her martial arts skills somewhat regularly. Akane bowed he head. ECB: 'he' head? Manually reading your work before publishing helps with this stuff. End of Flashback ECB: *sigh* Night was beginning to approach quickly and Ukyou knocked on the door holding an okunomiyaki ECB: Wow, I've never heard of that before. I better look it up, what with it being a difficult word that's easy to get wrong. Ne, Okonomiyaki-san? on a plate. ECB: Why is Ukyou suddenly bringing over an okonomiyaki anyway? ECBEd: And why is she bringing it on a plate instead of boxed to go? Kasumi answered happily to her "Why hello Ukyou! Ranma is in the living room!" ECB: What is this mess? Ukyou didn't even say anything. Moreso, why isn't Kasumi in the least bit insulted by Ukyou bringing okonomiyaki over while she's busy cooking dinner for everyone? Why does Kasumi feel like a cardboard cutout here? ECBCardboardKasumi: Oh my! ECBPunctuator: "I'm going to make my dialogue exciting! I'll end every sentence with an EXCLAIMATION MARK! Even when saying absolutely nothing worthy of excitement! I'm SO COOL!" then went to make dinner. Ukyou jumped inside to find her fiancée ECB: Jumped inside? Where is Ranma that can be jumped inside? Is he moping about in a pit or something? Has the living room been replaced with PIT OF DOOM? sitting on the floor with a bandage on his head and a red mark on his cheek but she paid no attention. ECB: This Ukyou is a 2-dimensional caricature with no redeeming values aside from her lust for Ranma? Of course she doesn't care anything about his well being! "Ranma honey! I brought you an okunomiyaki!" and placed it in front of him. ECB: Well, wasn't this well plotted. The emotion of scene strikes me with such power. It is like an early spring breeze...if said breeze carried the stench of the undead. He didn't answer he just shoved it aside and moved his head to the roof. ECB: Someone stole your periods didn't they? ECBLogic: Just his head? He tore it off and chucked it to the roof? ECBRanma: "I'm practicing my Immortal Wu style martial arts!" ECB: Ri~ght. Ukyou was worried about her child hood love so she asked. "Ranma honey, ECB: Childhood is one word. what is the problem?" She moved her hand upon his and squeezed it for ECB: Now isn't that a loaded question. comfort with a frown on her face she inched closer to his. ECB: *Yawn* Hey where's the scene change below this? ECBUnexcitedreader: You know, it might help if you finished your sentences. Akane continued running even though it was night and it became dark ECB: It was night and it became dark? Wow, interesting form of night. I was of the perception that the sky becoming dark WAS the indicator that it was night, not the reverse. her orange dress was beginning to get muddy but she didn't care. A sick smile played upon her lips ' he only thinks of me as a worthless fiancée and a horrible fighter! I will show him! Ranma no baka!' ECB: I can just feel the Canon Akane here. No wait, that's the spineless shell that was left with Akane's name. she finally tripped and fell and she was covered in mud mixing with tears. ECB: Akane is so prone to fits of maddened fleeing from her own home over this. By the way, it'd be nice if we had some indication when this was happening, what with the completely out of the blue and contrived 'fight'. She didn't see the five men approaching her. ECB: Oh, boy, this is going to be good. Shampoo looked at the outside and sighed aloud unhappily. Cologne stood giving orders to moose. ECB: It's Mousse. Not moose. It's following the bathroom puns. And nice...scene transitions. From the Tendous to the middle of nowhere to Cologne's restaurant all with no transitions or scene breaks. What a way to write! ECB: Actually, I'm guessing it's the Nekohanten Shampoo raised herself off of the seat and that is when she felt it, an evil presence, she raised her fist into a fighting stance. ECB: Contrary to popular opinion, commas and periods are not directly interchangable creatures. ECBDrama: ENTER B MOVIE EVIL VILLIAN! ECBLazyShampoo: I can't be bothered to get the rest of me in a fighting stance. So you'll have to just deal with my fist. Cologne felt it too her eyes narrow as cattily ECB: Meow. as Shampoo's she raised her staff to the roof and closed her eyes. ECB: Wait, is she narrowing her eyes or is she closing them completely? Why have two separate descriptions here for one action? They widened with a blood red color ECB: Her eyes turned blood-red? Night of the living Cologne? It would, almost, fit with the B-movie plot you have going here. as a figure fell through the roof. ECB: Insert cliche sound effect. EVIL HAS ARRIVED! She had short black hair up to the end of her neck with glossy lips and hypnotic red scarlet eyes. ECB: Ooh, hypnotic. Pity they don't seem such at all in your following scenes. ECBRedundantAdjectives: Blood-red. Red scarlet. These seem to my eyes like visual demonstrations of a problem that is best addressed by the redundant ministry of redundant redundancy. Now go to Minister Minister of Redundant Ministry and ask him to help you with that. She wore glossy boots reaching her knee and a short skirt reaching the middle of her thigh and a top with a gash ECB: That's an odd term to use when describing clothing. I don't think I've ever heard of a slit running down the center of a dress. from her neck to the skirt in the middle of the shirt. It was all black and glassy and matched her glossy black gloves, ECB: We get the picture. Black and glossy. She looks like a typical slutty goth wannabe. ECBCrocodileHunter: "Now, as I approach this classic crap villian, you'll notice her intensely black outfit. This is to let the reader know that without a doubt this is the 'bad guy'. Because we might possibly be confused. Remember, I'm in terrible danger approaching this creature. DANGER DANGER DANGER! ...of falling asleep." which held a black katana. She smiled evilly and she touched the floor with a clack. ECB: Look at me, I'm evil! Evil I say! Cologne narrowed her eyes once more "Wu-shu" she rasped. ECB: Sentence structure isn't your strong point, is it, dear author? "Cologne narrowed her eyes once more. "Wu-shu," she rasped." ECB: And nice keeping the pattern: "Bathroom item, Bathroom item, Bathroom item, Random Japanese name!" Shampoo did not lower her guard but listened attentively. Moose held his weapons and was just as ready as Shampoo. The woman turned her head to Shampoo "she is strong, you have trained her quite well Cologne" she said calmly. ECB: Grammar for 100, Alex. "This is something you do at the beginning of a sentence." "What is...capitialization?" Shampoo growled at the woman speaking to her great grandmother so calmly. ECB: Because, of course, the woman should be screaming in terror or something while talking to Cologne, unlike everyone else who talks to her calmly every day. Cologne rapped her staff on the floor "this coil you do not belong any more Wu-shu!" ECB: "What?" ECBSage: When making Shakepseare references, it's generally recommended that you master basic sentence structure first. he said angrily ECB: 'he'? Oh, I get it, everyone in your fanfic had sex changes? "what be your business here!" ECBYoda: Charge do I, by the hour! She woman laughed a little "oh you always could make me laugh!" she said "you even didn't greet me with open arms! I thought that is what you do for your own sister!" ECB: Socrates Gaped. as horror struck the faces of Moose and Shampoo. ECB: Why? What's with all these psychic "Oh, she's so evil" stuff anyway? Heck, she hasn't even done anything horrifying evil. Can't you even give us her going ahead and killing someone in a bloody entrance? Maybe slaughtering a few dozen customers as she enters? Ranma saw Ukyou's face coming closer to his her breathing became ECB: Okay, I get it. This is an experiment in having absolutely no scene transitions. It's seeing how much you can confuse and annoy the reader by swapping directly from introducing an evil villian to a badly written sex scene. heavily he saw her lips lined with peach lipstick her eyes reflecting ECB: This is how many sentences here? I counted three with one period. love and passion. She planted a soft kiss on his lips and was about to pull back but Ranma had other plans. ECB: Boy, this Ukyou sure has the whole initiative thing down pat. You'd almost think she'd know that this was a magical version of the Tendo's home where this wouldn't result in a huge ruckus by Soun or Genma disturbing the whole atmosphere. He armed her head and hungrily pushed her closer into him and kissed her harder and harder. ECB: Armed her head? I was previously unaware of that verb being used in such a manner. Is he preparing her to explode? Their tongues wrapped around each other as Ukyou's hands slipped around his neck and his hands around Ukyou's waist. He pushed her to the floor and began to kiss her softly at first then began to push harder. Though all the pleasure no thoughts of Akane came to his mind at all. ECB: Uh, huh. So we follow two-dimensional characterization with a Ranma who instantly forgets a fight with Akane and goes and immediately starts making out with Ukyou? This makes plenty of sense, really. And excellent choice of setting, making out in the Tendou living room. ECBSounandGenma: Where are we? ECB: You're out by the tavern, getting drunk. Nabiki was over at her boyfriend's houses, which were a few minutes from the dojo. ECB: 'were'? Multiple houses? ECBArchitect: Okay, I have this plan of Nerima that involves Ryouga living near the Tendo's but being unknown when he shows up. It's brilliant! Ryoga was one hell of a boyfriend all right. ECB: ... Yes, this makes sense. The same Ryouga(you romanize Ukyou but not Ryouga?) who has can barely handle being around females at all due to extreme shyness. The one with the crush on 'AKANE', you know, Nabiki's sister? Technically, this isn't an internal inconsistancy, but instead it's just retarded. ECBMatchmaker: Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match. Burn my eyes out, kill my logic. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match. Who needs Make Sense when it's all for the match! He moved closer on his couch to her face and began to kiss her cheek and kissed downwards to her shoulder and she giggled a little and planted a kiss on his lips he licks his lips then kissed her again and they began to French kiss. ECB: Some people should not write make-out scenes. You are among them. ECBWaldo: Where are we? Are we at the Tendo's making a side reference? At Ryouga's having had another invisible scene transition? Who knows?! Akane finally realized she was cornered by a bunch of drunkards she was so emotionally hurt she couldn't fight them all off. ECB: Because you know, 5 drunk individuals are tremendously more difficult then the dozens of non-drunk athletes she's shown taking down at school. But okay, Akane's a superwuss when she's emotionally 'hurt'. And drunks just roam Nerima near her home waiting to gang rape random women. What an interesting take on Nerima. ECBRanma: "Your Cooking stinks!" ECBAkane: "No! My one weakness! I'm melting!" She managed to take down all but one, he made a dive for her, which proved successful to pin her to the floor. Akane's Nightmare began he held her hands and kissed her on her lips forcefully. Her first kiss was with a drunken stranger she thought bitterly. He began to remove her clothes and finally when she was naked he pulled down his pants and there and then Tendo Akane was raped. ECB: You know, if you can't write make-out scenes, writing rape scenes is just plain out. 'And then Tendo Akane was raped'? What an utterly pathetic way to write it. You make it sound like some common scene instead of the horrific event it ought be. She cried bitter tears as she thought ' my virginity taken by someone who I don't know' ECB: We really feel her sorrow what with the one paragraph dedicated to this idiocy. Here's a more fitting scene to how you wrote that: ECBKasumi: "Hi Akane, how was your day at school today?" ECBAkane: "Evil maths test, Kuno and the gang attacked me and I was raped on the way home. Usual sort of day" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ECB: Apparently you do know how to do scene breaks. Which makes one question: Why did you not use them before when they would've been quite useful? Kasumi was worried about Akane because she hadn't come home from her 'run' and she went to ask Ranma. She was greeted with the sight of Ukyou and Ranma on his bed naked with Ranma on top of her entrapped in a kiss. She muffled an eep and went down stairs and covered her mouth with a worried expression. She called Dr. Tofu and asked to go over by him for the night he of course said yes. ECB: Again, where is Genma and Soun? Why would she just abandon her own house? ECBAuthor: Because it allows me to have her raped too. ECB: Joy! The Nerima we all know and love, where random girls get raped on the public streets! She traveled there on her way she saw a girl with dull eyes and messy hair and tattered and torn clothes. It was Akane. ECB: This dialogue reminds me of a poorly written horror novel that rises from the dead to stab my eyes with it's sharp dagger pages but without the Max Payne-esque descriptions. The eldest sister ran to her sister's side but was also attacked by the same man. Tendo Kasumi was now raped. ECB: That's right, it's something you do just with a quick touch. Poof, you are raped. What a retarded bit of writing. MAGIC RAPE TOUCH! ECBSalesman: "Now just 9.99$ at your local store." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`` ECB: Formatting is your friend. ECBConsistency: Why is this scene break differently sized than your other one? Shampoo looked at her woman "Great grand auntie?" she choked out ECB: Pronouns... are not meant for usage in quite that fashion. Unless we missed the rampant lesbian lovefest that resulted in Shampoo and Wu-shu hooking up off camera. unsurely. Wu shu turned her head and pulled out her katana "foolish Amazon child! The object you seek has just been taken" ECB:... with a smile that would make Satan himself shutter. ECBSatan: Yep. That's me. I shutter windows all day long. Never a moment goes by without me shuttering something. Shudder, you say? Why, I'm Satan! You'd never catch me shuddering! ECB: Really, even correct, this is an overused description. And it isn't built up in any effective way. The writing instead comes across as the childish flailings of one who read way too many cheesy B-movie scripts and thought, "I could do that." "Fight me and you shall have him! Lose and perish!" Wu shu said plainly. ECB: But that makes no sense. It isn't even contradictory conditions. Nor is Wu Shu at all related to Ranma in the least. ECBRandomPlotDevice: "You can tell I'm important because I come out of left field." Cologne intervened "NO CHILD! FIGHT HER NOT!" she yelled with force that make the ground shake. ECB: What's the point of the dramatics? Besides making the scene seem silly from picturing little old Cologne roaring and causing buildings to shake. ECBYoda: "Overtime, I get?" Wu shu faced Cologne with hatred "you may have been my baby sister once Cologne but you didn't even help me!" ECB: *sigh* Yes, yes, it's all Cologne's fault. Which is why this wasn't handled centuries ago. pointing her Katana at Cologne. Cologne fell to the floor she whispered, "it wasn't my fault!" ECB: This makes perfect sense what with the...five thousand year time before? Nevermind that puts Cologne as older than any quoted timeline for the Amazon tribe or history and in fact places her in that category of age we all like to call: "Completely fucking ludicrious". ECBCologne: "You'll notice in this scene my spine has been replaced by a random donor from another Anime." ECBShinji: "Why did you take my spine?" Wu shu rasped "YES IT WAS COLOGNE! EVEN IN FIVE THOUSAND YEARS YOU HAVEN'T LEARNT!" ECB: 'Learned'. she sheathed the Katana and slipped through the floor "I have no more business here sister but I will have my revenge!" ECB: She waited five-thousand years for revenge? Some revenge. then she was gone. The whole room remained silent "Kaoru." Cologne whispered. ECB: Yay, random naming! And why didn't Cologne call her that in the first place? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Akane saw he sister being raped but she could do nothing for she too was being raped but the four other men. ECB: Four? That's some coordination. And of course no one else is out on the streets to stop this. After a few hours at midnight they were dirty and clothed and darkness covered their pale skin. ECB: Ow. Too many time declarations and not enough making of the sense! A figure rising from the ground holding a lightning Katana stepped between them. She turned her head to Kasumi and Akane her long raven hair reached the floor and descended even longer along the floor and her green eyes glowed with amber in them of pity. Her long white robes which were lined in gold and blue with a silver dragon coiling around it and her angelic white skin would have enchanted to weak ECB: Stuff like this would almost be dramatic if it wasn't for the perpetual writing errors that litter it. in will. A large silver dragon with green scales came to her side she spoke to it in a soft and beautiful voice to pick them up. The dragon threw them on it's back and the woman was on it's head. She began to sing a soft song that soothed them in such a beautiful and angel like voice as the dragon flew off to the sky. ECB:... this makes no sense. "You are being raped so magical creatures just come out of nowhere." I'm not going to even begin to break down the sentence problems and poor word usage here. This idiocy just stands for itself. *End ECB* While it doesn't have many internal inconsistancies that's mostly because it doesn't really go anywhere and doesn't make much sense to begin with. It's just "there's a fight, Akane leaves, she is raped, her sister finds her, she is raped, oh and here's EVIL!" Your entire fic fits on one line. I think that's enough of a judgement upon it that an actual rating is unnecessary.