Welcome to the spring break edition of the Evil Commentary Bureau, and boy do we have a WINNER today. This is simply an incredible display of the worst of the worst. I fully expect to die as a result of the fallout from the abuse being leveled upon the English language in this fic and I say this just based on the opening range that I can see without scrolling down. This will be an unbiased production, as are all Evil Commentary Bureau productions. Though, to be fair, I will admit the fact that my mind is already screaming: "Kill Kill Kill". Therefore, the bias of this commentary may indeed be in question. In the tradition of the Evil Commentary Bureau, the author of this atrocity shalt be allowed a single response, if sent to the address of dracos12@hotmail.com. I am sorry that we cannot provide more, but the Evil Commentary Bureau is quite busy with the huge number of submissions we have accumulated. This, as well as any responses received, will be stored at the Evil Commentary Bureau website for public consumption: http://dracos.anifics.com. Now, with the preliminaries out of the way, I present for your entertainment: "Evil Commentary Bureau Versus Look At me, I'm ilitart!" *Begin ECB* Disclaimer: All characters portrayed in this story are the property of Rumiko Takahashi and co. Please don't sue me. ECB: You know, this is obviously copy/pasted from another fic. On the other hand, it's still better than a good seventy percent of our submissions manage. Good job here. It's about the only thing nice I will be able to say regarding this story. my characters is property of wayne chattillon wayne being me and i have full rights to this story its baced on ranma 1/2 but with me in it as well any how let begin with part one titeld cuersd spring of inmortel ECB: Ouch, my poor English language. Why were you ever given to this poor illiterate fool to be used? He has raped you upon the grave of writer's dignity and left a smeared mess of his bloody jizz trailing over the paper. For shame! Outside of the wretched writing and grammar, yes, you are correct. The fic is yours. I don't think anyone else would want it. -------------------------------------------------------- ranma1/2 part 1 cuersd spring of inmortel by wayne chattillon ----------------------------------------- ECB: Ranma 1/2, Part 1: Cursed Spring of the Immortal by Wayne "I can't read or write. Watch me write a fic!" Chanttillon. author notes -its was a fine day at the tendo house well not as fine as well find out hahahahaha ps may contan some lemon ECB: PS: Learn to read and write, fuckhead. And that has to be one of the worst openers I've seen in a while. If it contains lemon then just mark it. There is no 'may' about it. It either is lemon or is not. There is no middle ground. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ranma: hay akane come on we r going to be late for training at our spot ECB: One day, in the darkness of the void, the author spoke, and named himself Ranma. And Ranma cried, because the author wrote English worse than a random Japanese twelve year old. And so did the author proceed to babble in what was known as 11 year old AOL'er speak, puking his putrid filth upon the blank white screen. And there was much suffering and out of character dialogue and script format and bad writing, and the gods looked upon this and said: "Okay, who shit in the gene pool to produce this fuckhead?" akane: ok comeing ranme: geez some times i wonder what i see in her ranma thinks to him salf ECB: Well Akane, what does Ranma see in you, as he thinks to himself in wretched English out loud? I know! He thinks: "Who is this guy with my name in this fic? And how can I kill him?" ---------- at the training spot ------------- ECB: They have a dojo. At Akane's house. Which you would know had you seen or read the original series. Imagine that! akane: dont holed back ranma ECB: After all, I want to have plenty of holes in me when I'm done training. So don't hole back! ranma: no i whont do it ECB: Nope, can't have him being in character. After all, having him toss off an offhand comment about how she couldn't take it would almost be Takahashi-like. Instead, let's have a poorly written response! Got one word for you, bloke: Spell-check. Sure you are dumb, but it's amazing what spell check can do for totally retarded idiots these days. It might even make your story readable! akane: what is it becos you wer raised to naver hit a girl ECB: But he wasn't. Not at all. This is ridiculous fanon. Moreso it's ridiculous illegible fanon. The worst kind. May the vultures bite hard into your testicles and tear them from your flesh. Never Breed. ranma: ples akane understand ECB: "Please readers, understand I couldn't take the time to learn how to write or spell-check. I just had to subject you all to my work as soon as possible. So taking the time to learn was TOO HARD!"-Translated from illiterate speak. --------------------- just than kuno jumps and says ECB: And then the author had a heart attack and died. Wait, you mean this isn't a Python scripted joke? Damn. I got my hopes up! kuno: i have found you rached feend ECB: Hum, I roll a natural twenty on my translate fucking retard to English check and I get 'wretched fiend'. Which isn't a common Kuno taunt but also not something that should naturally be said here anyway. What is Kuno doing in this scene? Oh, lemme see, ah yes, you need someone to get beaten up to demonstrate the penultimate power of your SI! ranma: whach your mouth kuno or i shut it for you ECB: Can you feel that limp noodle? That's the tension! kuno: stand back fair akane in till this unwearthy reached feend is destroyd ECB: Insert customary kuno bash which isn't funny. Cue the SI entrance. GO SUPERGODFUCKHEADOFBEINGALOSER! ------------------------- just than a stranger aperd out of now wear ECB: WE LUV YOU SI BOY! POWER OF GROIN! HIT THE KEYBOARD! ------- ?: thar you r ranma ECB: OOH! MYSTERY! SUSPENSE! UNDESCRIBED QUESTIONMARK MAN! GO RIDDLER! ranma: later i have to wipe the mouth of kuno first ECB: Because it's so dirty. I mean, you can just see the filth coming off of his finely polished white teeth and his perfectly groomed nobleman's exterior! Wipe his mouth well, Ranma! ?: so that cowerd kuno is hear ECB: Mr. Questionmark Man knows Kuno! Why does he know Kuno? I know, because it's convenient for him to be omniscient! GO ALL SEEING ONE! GO ALL KNOWING ONE! SI POWER ON! kuno: oh so ranma you have backup you womaniser ECB: POWER OF CLICHE! FORM OF FANON! ?: huh??????? ECB: Oooh, he's demonstrating his real ultimate power! The secret Multiple Questionmark Technique! It is a pity, every crappy author SI also knows this technique. Amazing! kuno: i see you later ranma ECB: INSERT FIGHT(NULL); Author=LAME; Quality_Level--; cout << "Raise Middle Finger!"; ranma: comeback hear and fight kuno ECB: English is not a river in Egypt. kuno: later i lost intrest now ECB: We will rebuild him. Lamer, suckier, and with less writing skills. The amazing power of the Wayne 1.1 shall awe everyone. ?: so ranma r you ready for a remach ECB: Yes, now we will go faster than ever before. MACH SI! akane: ranma who is he ECB: He's Mr. Questionmark Man, Akane! Haven't you been reading the painful script format fic? ranma: just some guy i challengd at the cuersed springs ECB: Inserted crap! And of course they fight at the cursed springs because that makes all of zero sense. akane: whats hes namne ranma ECB: His name is Bob of course. But he hates that name. So he changed it to Wayne. From classic to cliche! Go BATMAN! ranma: his name is wayne of the anything gos sai school of marshel arts hes all so the founder and owner and marster of the forbiden art ECB: Ah yes, Anything Goes Sai School. Because Anything goes is such a single weapon school with well known forbidden arts and extra founders. Really, it is! It's like falling off a bike, everyone can be an anything goes founder, master, and owner with forbidden arts these days! Fear my forbidden art of Sarcasm! Capable of leveling an idiot in a single blow! wayne: that i am and its a plasher to see you been keeping up your traning ranma ECB: Uh, huh. See contrived. It's sticking out of your ass. Dammit, don't show that kind of stuff in public! ranma: thanks wayne ECB: Forget your shift key? Or was it too hard to reach while masturbating? akane: than why is he hear ECB: Because you were shouting so loudly. It's child's play of course to hear you! ranma: well you see i acsadenly push him in the spring ECB: Because random people are easy to accidentally push into springs. Especially when they are SI grandmaster Gods! akane:goplp you mean and what spring ECB: I can't even translate that. And that's something. "You really might be illiterate when..." ranma: that he can tell you akane ECB: SI EXPOSITION ON THE SPOT! GO GO GO! wayne: it was on 10th day of the 3rd mouth and the spring was cursed spring of inmrotel ECB: Wow, amazing. That's like, utterly irrelevent. Moreso, it's not something that should be of import at all. "Oh woe is me, I've been dunked in spring of drowned immortal. It's so cursed and such. Not only am I immortal as long as I want to be, but I can turn it off by just splashing myself with warm water. Oh most dreadful of all curses!" I know, it's really an 'inn/motel'! He gets splashed with cold water and turns into a Motel 8! No wait, that would be a handicap. None of that for an SI. akane: gasp you mean your like ranma ECB: That's right, she actually said gasp. She didn't perform an action, she just said Gasp! Amazing linguistics no? wayne: no he landed in cuersed spring of dead girl akane: so why r you hear now that was 3 weeks ago ECB: Three weeks? Darn, they crossed China lightning fast in this one. I know, they used the power of 'r' to travel across China at superspeed! 'r'-SPEED! wayne: well i got a latter from ranma saying that he whonted to apolagise to me so hear i am ECB: For what? Sorry, you were an idiot and had a challenge with me over cursed springs. You got knocked in despite your uber-leet ultramartial art god skills and now it's your opponent's fault. Whee, I hear the logic here. Wait, no, that's a hollow shell. Who stole the logic? ranma: sorry wayne akane: that a first ranma saying sorry ECB: But it isn't at all. Moreso, if it is three weeks after China, Akane should have no reason to have such an opinion of Ranma. Hell, they've only known each other what, a couple of days at the most? ranma: akane you dont understand wayne and me go way back he saved my life whan i was under actack and he help me not that dad was any help ECB: And what crap fic would be complete without Genma bashing! WHEE! Why don't we change this to something more plausible. "I Hate Genma. I Hate Genma. Genma has a bigger prick than I do. I Hate Genma."-Author wayne: well i be going now you sayd what you have to say ECB: This requires not only a 'Translate Idiot' check, but a Decipher Bad Grammar check. What I want to know is, how anyone was expected to read this? akane: wayne whar well you go from hear ECB: Why does she ask? Why is she involved at all? And where the hell did your shift key go? wayne: i dont know and besides i can naver go back home now my famaly members well consider me an outcarst ECB: Insert random poorly conceived plot device from hell. Why is it from hell? They threw it out, quality standards. akane: well you can come to the tendo home besides me and ranma r engaed ECB: Yes, that's right. Akane invites everyone to their house. Everyone! "Hey, unknown mass murderer Twenty Seven, want to come over? After all, 'me and ranma r engaed', so it's perfectly fine!" wayne: wha ranma starting to sattel down hahahahaha i thort i naver see the day ECB: Why is Wayne so familiar with Ranma? Oh wait, he mystically has years of 'friendship' with him doesn't he? Man, this is boring. Maybe I can pretend it has another plot. Evil super scientist brainwashes all of Nerima, and only Herb can save the day! Well, no that wouldn't work either. But I'm sure Herb would like having a good role like that. ranma: hahaha you cannot talk wayne give it time and you be next ECB: Why is Ranma agreeing? That's retarded. wayne: me naver besides no girl whood whont a freek like me ECB:... ranma: your not a freek besides thars a cuear for the cerus ECB:... wayne: ok but ples donot tell any one i tell tham in my own time ECB: Someone kill him. Please? Anyone? God damn it. What does it take to stop an idiot these days? ------------------------------------------------------------------ back at the tendo house ----------------------- nabiki: whats takeing tham so long ECB: Contrived plot device, of course. soun: thay well be back ECB: After all, it's not like they went to the back yard or the dojo to train. They went to some training spot and have everyone waiting for them! kasumi: i hope so ECB: Oh my, the author has made Kasumi even more braindead than Fanon Kasumi. The poor character! akane: wer back and we have a friend ECB: No you don't, you have an SI. Know the difference! Friends don't let friends SI! soun: welcome back akane and ranma who is the guest ECB: The guest is loser SI Mr. QUESTION MARK MAN! Huh? Whadyamean he was named? Damn, I liked the idea of Mr. Question Mark Man. It was more interesting than this SI. ranma: hes a old friend of mine ECB: ... soun: welcome to the tendo home if you dont mind me asking whats your name ECB: .... Oh, just so you know, the ... are revealing that your stupidity is requiring me to reboot my mind so that it can recover from the level of damage inflicted by your fic. I have to say, on a scale from one to ten, your fic is definitely a ten...on the pain scale. wayne: i am wayne of the anything gos sai school of marshel arts all so the founder and owner and marster of the forbiden arts ECB: Yes, because forbidden arts are talked about in casual conversation. "So, Genma, why don't you tell me about your forbidden rabbit kick to the groin technique?" "Certainly Soun, if you share your superb crying my eyes out technique." soun: gasp not the same wayne who was the legendary fighter ECB: Yes, because everyone knows legendary fighters and considers them legends even if they know them personally! wayne: yes i am and come to think of it i all so had a friend whos name was soun ECB:... nabiki: dad tha......tha......thats your name ECB: Because Nabiki just loves to stutter. She does it in her spare time, you know! It takes years of practice to swap from the self-confidant, swaggering tone that she uses regularly to a stuttering fool's tone. You really have to appreciate that level of dedication! soun: yes my lovey princesses i was a friend of wayne but i than retierd and setteld down but wayne you havent aged a bit ECB: But that isn't what Soun calls Nabiki at all! why your still a teen ECB: Because the author wanted immortality. Aren't you reading along Soun? And immortality makes one freakish, dontcha know it! wayne: yes soun is becos hmmm soun can i have a word with you in privet ECB: Yes, because revealing you are immortal is something that totally requires privacy. Never mind that thinking up a lie is more believable in the circumstance. soun: yes i be at the dojo ok nabiki:i have to hear this kasumi: me to shampoo: ai me go hear talk ranma: me as wall akane: me to ECB: Why is Shampoo here? Why are you slaughtering both English and Chinese now? Why do you NOW reference the dojo after you ignored it earlier? Why does Betsy let you out of her stall? ------------------------------------ at the dojo ------------ soun: so what is it you whont to tell me that we codent say in the house ECB:... wayne: well old friend its like this ranma autsadently pusht me in the spring of imortel and now i can naver return to my famaly ECB: And not only did it make you immortal, but it youthened you back to your prime and gave you a "I'm retarded" complex. Gotcha! shampoo: hi ya no good ECB: Because Shampoo just happens to be an expert on all the springs. People fall into spring of drowned immortal absolutely all the time. I mean, you'd almost think they were seeking it out for the beneficial traits of being an immortal! ranma: whys that shampoo shampoo: it not like ranma curse it difrant and only 2 ways to fix it ECB: Unlike Ranma's, which no one manages to fix! ranma: come on shampoo its not bad as mine ECB: Actually, I'd posit it's much better. Immortality or turning into a girl, who could possibly choose immortality? shampoo: its bad maoor bad than ranma curse ECB: Man, you can't even type phonetically even if you can't write. Amazing. I don't think I've ever seen such a bad case as this. ranma: badder than mine ECB: ~o/Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown, Baddest man in the whole damn town. Badder than old King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog!/o~ shampoo: yes shampoo read old scrools say that 2 ways to cuear curse one way is to chop head off ather way is marry and have kids ECB: Because we know everyone manages to have an old scroll which details a curse they haven't seen before and instantly remembers it in exact detail. Of course this curse is so different from every other Jusenkyo curse. ranma: shot he has a varry bad one and i dont see him leting hes head copt off and i cannot see him getting marryd any time soon ECB: He has a bad one? Really? How? I weep for him. Truthfully. He must suffer horribly knowing he's had but a few years of immortality as a teenager. What? Does he still have pimples? THE HORROR! besides he was saying to me that no girls well whont a freek like him ECB: I wonder who he's trying to go out with if that's the case. Maybe he's stalking forty-year olds? I really feel his plight though! I can almost, but not quite, shed a tear of absolute disgust for him! ----------------------- wayne: so you see old friend arfter that i was robbd of my adult form and in return got a teen foum ECB: YES! HE WAS ROBBED! CRUELTY! DESPAIR! ~o/Kick in the ass... that guy who's stealing my old age, he gets a kick in the ass/o~ soun: well girls well whont you morr now hahahaha ECB: I think this is supposed to be "Well, girls will want you more now, hahahaha." But I can't really tell. It could just as easily be: "Well, girls will whore you more now!" or "well girls will want to marry now". You know, I was going to try and make this funny. But it's just too pathetic. I can't do it. *shoots the author* wayne: no thay whont i had girls call me a freek and why shood i bother getting girls or get marryd for that matter besides arfter being call a freek i dont think i ever love or whant to be loved ever agen ECB: Freak! FREAK FREAK FREAK! Get the hell out freak! Who would ever want someone who is young and superpowerful?! Oh wait, this was supposed to garner sympathy for your plight, wasn't it? I'm sorry I can't manage the sympathy for your character, but I can give you a dagger to the face for trying to inspire it! *STABS YOU IN THE EYE!* ------------- out side the dojo the girls and ranma feelt pain strike thar hearts ECB: OH NO! THIS HORRIBLE DIALOGUE IS SO BAD WE ARE ALL HAVING HEART ATTACKS! It's getting...dark...no...thank the gods, we'll soon be free of this fic... --------------------------- ranma: poor wayne i fell sorry for him ECB: It's attack of the pod people. Leading off with Inferior Martial Artist Sidekick man! akane: me to ECB: His proscribed mate, Miss Lame Tomboy the Forty-Second! nabiki: me as well and hear i was thinking that i well have an nather monney makeing scheem ECB: Her sister, the reformed criminal mastermind who becomes a bedroom sex kitten! kasumi: me i fell sorry even moor ECB: Her sister, the older background girl who is turned into a raging sex maniac! shampoo: i as well i know plan to make him feel love but need to find suiters ECB: And rounding off the team, their wise and incredible leader: Miss Sage Slut! GO SENTAI POD PEOPLE! kasumi: well i be one ECB: Because Kasumi always falls in love with someone at first sight and wants to get in their pants in seconds. And she's totally unattached, too! akane: you shor kasumi ECB: Today, we'd like to introduce you to the latest advancement in crap English writing: The Blank Space Punctuation! Capable of filling in for any and all forms of punctuation and indicating that you really have no clue what this sentence is really. It allows your readers to interpret it as anything from: "YOU SURE KASUMI!" to "you sure, Kasumi? and everything inbetween. Blank Space Punctuation: Because hitting that question mark key is just too hard! kasumi: yes i am shoor blush ECB: Author: Hum, I don't think I'm getting her feelings across. I know. I'll have her say 'blush' out loud! I couldn't possibly indicate that she was blushing if she didn't say it right out! akane lookt at her older sister to see her facec turn red ECB: OH MY GOD! It's a KASUMIBOMB! Run for your lives! nabiki: me i be number 2 ECB: *poofs Nabiki into the number 2* That's it for today, kids. Tomorrow you'll learn how to write the number two out! Isn't that grand? akane: looing at nabiki face turn red ECB: I see, this is really a choreography session and Akane's telling the director what she's supposed to do? akane: well we need to get moor suiters so make him feel love and be loved now looking at wayne she sees why her sisters r red she see wayne with no shirt on ECB: Why? Wayne needs a harem to get laid once? What a fucking pathetic individual he must be. I see, you were abused as a small child and now are naming your fingers various anime characters as you type this out with one hand! shampoo: i be number 3 girl ECB: TO BE OR NOT TO BE? THAT IS THE QUESTION! To be in character or to be a slut? To be a writer or to be a putrid filth of a man with his own godly self-insert? To burn once or twice? THIS IS THE QUESTION! akane: seeing shampoo drooling ECB: Uh, huh. Forgetting for now Shampoo is after Ranma and is fairly obsessed with him by any fair interpretation... GO SAGE SLUT GIRL! akane: well now we have to get athewr girls interasted in him ECB: Why? What the fucking hell? This makes absolutely no sense. It's the most nonsensical comment you could possibly make. "Hey, my sisters want to marry him, so of course I'm going to go find other competition!" ------------------ just than nabiki was takeing pictures of wayne ECB: Because going right from talking to taking pictures of someone in another room is a continuous action! Next we'll see how dinner and appearing at school happen the same way. --------------------------------- nabiki: hehehehe this well be fun and intersting as well ECB: No it won't be. It will be painful in a variety of ways, not the least of which is when this author eventually does a love and lemon scene. That will be really painful. I think from this point on I must recommend mandatory eye gougings to all who dare read beyond this point. I must continue on though! ranma: hmm now all we need to do is get him to go to school with us ECB: So he doesn't spend time getting seduced by SexManiacKasumi? Sounds like a plan! ------------------- just than thay all garspt ECB: GARSPT! ECB Proofer's Note: Shoot me now. Please. ----------------------- wayne: hehehe thars no way i going to go to school at my age nice try thow ranma ECB: For an SI, he's clearly ignoring his script. Everyone knows the SI always goes to school. Young, old, living dead... school comes for everyone! ranma: hay you mabey 27 but your nolonger have an adult body you have a teen body now hahahaha ECB: Uh huh. Why is Ranma doin...oh wait, yes. Pod People. GO MR. INFERIOR MARTIAL ARTIST SIDEKICK MAN! wayne: ranma i now that but nice try thars now way that i can be convinced or change my mind ----------------- later in the house ------------------- ECB: Because Random Time Skips Are GOOD! akane: dad can you convince wayne to go to school with us ples ECB: No, bitch. Now get down and start fucking with Ranma like the author intended. No wait, You want to subject us to more of this crap before you reach crap climax? Damn. I had such high hopes that the fic could end here! soun: no akane whan wayne makes his mind up he keeps it that way ECB: Sure he does. We totally see that! But does it matter? Not likely! but he has a weekness for you know ECB: Yes, yes. *Yawns* Predicitable SI! akane: no i dont know soun: ask ranma ECB: Because excess lines when someone is right there are totally necessary! akane: ok oh ranma hunny ECB: Miss Lame Tomboy the Forty-Second is really getting into her role. You could almost not tell it was Akane talking if the name was switched! ranma: yes akane whats up ECB: I refrain from a reference to the totally unfunny What's Up trend and shall just comment that the sentence is, as all of them are, completely lacking in capitalization, grammar, and punctuation. That said, this is quite possibly the best formed sentence in the entire fic. akane: dad says that we can make wayne change his mine or convinvce him ranma he sayd to ask you ECB: So, Ranma mysteriously knows Wayne's secret weakness. Whatever will it be? ranma: hahahaha thars only 2 ways one is to see nude females and if that dont work than the ather way is sex ECB: Wow, an SI with a weakness to...having buxom females go nude around him and then fuck him senseless. What a weakness. I can almost feel the sympathy dripping from my words. No, wait. *checks* That's sarcasm. Quite a bit of it. Truly, a creative plot twist in bringing your crap lemon to life! Of course, given there's no reason to get him to go to school, there's also no reason to go nude around him just to convince him to go. Anyhow...how does Ranma know this? It's not like there's any reason for Ranma to have seen him under the effects of sex or have had much encounters with both him and a naked woman. akane: gasp thars no way i doing that dont tell me hes like you and has provirted iders ECB:Uh, Huh. See cliche powers activate! Lame Tomboy leaping to boring conclusion! UTILIZE SUPER BORING MALLET MIGHT! 'gasp'! ranma: well he is 27 arfter all and a man but he lost his adult body becos of the curse and being inmortel ECB: He's twenty-seven, a grandmaster, and can't say no to a naked woman? Uh huh. No, I glance down and see it's more contrived than this. Shall we continue on through the searing forest of the illiterate? ------------------------------ 2 minets later ECB: Well, at least you can spell phonetically somewhat. -------------- wayne: well i have to go now and find a place to rent ECB: Because he couldn't stay at the Tendo's and he simply has to stay in town. soun: i whont have that wayne your going to be apart of this famaly now ECB: Run Mr. Trite Immortal Flawless SI Man! Mr. 'Over-Emotional Best Friendish Plot Device Who Provides His Daughters For Casual Sex' wants to make you 'apart of this famaly'! You know, I've been wondering for a while, and now I'm a bit curious...where is Genma during all of this? He lives there, doesn't he? Oh wait! He's only mentioned at the beginning to be bashed and never heard from again! Wow, what a great portrayal. That provides the second antagonist for your fic! Mr. Invisible Man! Now you don't see me! Now you STILL don't see me! wayne: but soun i dont whont to over do my time hear ECB: Yes, never let it be said that an SI does not try and make himself appear humble by idle whinings about not staying around! HUMILTY EST SIGODMOD! ranma: wayne understand i am liveing hear and i was like you but i have changed ECB:Yes, soon you to will go from self-sufficient on the road traveling martial artist to lone housepet! You too can be Mr. Inferior Martial Artist Sidekick Man! wayne: well thats you not me besides i can naver find a place to call home any moor ECB: Yes, a traveling martial artist really had a place he called home before that he didn't return to! I just feel it! Lemme guess? He couldn't get into the whorehouse with his new looks? kasumi: wayne thats not true you have a home hear ECB: That's right! It's the one hour acceptance clause! You've stayed on their property for more than an hour, thus entitling you to squatters' rights and a permanent place in their loving dysfunctional family! nabiki: yes hear you have a home ECB: Hear that? Yeah, I hear! HEAR HEAR! shampoo: you stay or me find you ECB: Of course. Because abandoning Ranma is so on her list of priorities! Go Miss Sage Slut! SHOW US YOUR AWESOME SLUT POWERS! akane: wisper in to her sisters and shampoo`s ears and her dad`s ECB: "Hey dad, I just turned my sister and shampoo into sluts! Isn't that great?!" nabiki: oh wayne kasumi: oh wayne shampoo: wayne ECB: They've begun to join! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! wayne: yes girls: flash flash flash ECB: Wow, they all had cameras? And you spelled flash correctly! GO YOU! wayne: hmmm if you dont mind i.....i.....be going ECB: Go phobia of women! And such strong reactions! Ponder their breasts for a bit then run? Very mature of him! akane: darn it didnt work ECB: Randomly showing nude women was supposed to instantly have him understand why he was being shown nude women and have him do exactly what Akane wanted? I'd say this logic was Takahashi, but that would be an insult to both logic and Takahashi. It would also be an insult to the words that I used to say it. ranma: hahahahaha it did look whar hes running to ECB: We can? How? Oh I see! He's running from descriptionless void A to descriptionless void B! However could I have missed it? soun: look out wayne you hit the ECB: Look out, Author! You hit the fucking stupid! girls: gasp he hit the door and fall quicklyt lets get him to bed ECB: Immortal SI goes down! Yay! Bad excuse for lead into crap romance scene, BOO! Stay down! Better yet, send in the nukes! --------------------------------- sunday moring ECB: ~o/Sunday, bloody Sunday. Sunday, bloody Sunday./o~ ---------------- wayne: ahh my head whar am i and how did i get in to this bed ECB: Bad plot device, that's how! girls: morning wayne sleep well ECB: Wayne: Of course, I did. Running into a wall as fast as I can go is the best way to sleep! wayne: yes and no i havent changed my mine and i am not conviced of go to school with yous ECB: But no one asked about that. Nor is there any reason for him to suddenly leap to that conclusion. It's ridiculous. But then, ridiculous is par for the course here! Another hole in fifty two! Right into the sand dune! girls: oh ya well see about that ECB: They've fully merged. THERE ARE NO MORE GIRLS! THERE IS ONLY ZUUL! ------------ in the kitshen ECB: Where kits and hens come to talk about the daily events. Not to be confused with a kitchen where you make food. -------------- girls: dad mr tendo ECB: See, the mighty unification process allows them to speak with one voice, in sync, despite entirely different terminology coming from their mouths! We must study more of this strange SI notion of character blending! soun: yes ECB: O', where, oh, where have my question ma~rks gone? girls: can you akane and ranma go out a cuppel of hours we need to convince wayne to go to school with us ECB: Why? Neither Shampoo nor Kasumi attend school. But I guess, 'girls' do, eh? This is the true power of the pod people! The ultimate sentai form of the whore! POWER SLUT! soun: i understand but ples dont be harsh with him ECB: Because obviously, supreme immortal martial artist masters need to be afraid of three little girls. And Soun is obviously not worried at all at the innuendo that his little girls are going to try to have sex under his roof. ranma: good luck you need it he cannot be turnd esley akane: good luck sisters and shampoo ECB: What sisters and Shampoo? I see only girlwhores! ------------------------------------- at that moment the girls hear a noise from nabiki`s room ECB: *CENSORED* In the interest of not killing all of our readers, this section is being removed from the material presented. Just so you don't feel left out, this was quite possibly the absolute worst lemon scene I have ever been subjected to. Oscar had nothing on this shit. In the interest of entertainment though, we present this far superior image of stick figures in silly hats beating upon an idiot with bats from "Rejected". We allow you all to imagine this is what really happened instead. ECB: http://bluemidnight.anifics.com/hosted/sillyhats.jpg arfter that ------------ wayne: ok ok i lost what do i have to do ECB: You did? I thought you just subjected me to such a bad lemon rape scene that my eyes bled! I think English lost! You certainly didn't. girls: go to school thats all ECB: Why? "Hum, stay home and get regular sex from three women. Go to school and work. Man, hard choice! Let's go to school!" wayne: ok ok you got me ECB: This is where we all try very hard to pretend they are still standing about in silly hats with bats! --------------- monday morning ECB: God damn, it's always morning here. No wonder everyone is so out of sorts. Who the hell can deal with all these mornings?! --------------- ranma: come on we r going to be late ECB: Like every day shown on camera! When did Ranma become such a goody two shoes anyway? girls: ok we r comeing ECB: So which group of girls is this? kasumi: have fun at school wayne ECB: OH MY GOD! SHE SEPARATED FROM THE BROOD! SHOOT HER! wayne: your not going kasumi ECB: Of course not. She already fucked you so you could not be with her all day. It makes perfect sense after all! girls: no she finsht school ECB: Obviously enough if he knew her age. But I guess such trivial matters don't concern him. --------------------------- at school ____________ kuno: so you have come to this school whar your not whonted you good for nathing sayd kuno to wayne ECB: I take it as a tribute to my reading skill that I can actually read that atrocity of the English language. May you rot in the fifth circle of hell for your crimes in brutalizing this language to produce this wretched self-worshipping crap. ranma: kuno give me a brake ECB: *hits Ranma with a brake shaft* You're welcome. kuno: i wasnt talking to you dummy i was talking to the red head boy next you you ECB: A red head? What the hell is up with red heads? Do all the crappy SIGODMODLUSTFICs come from that group or is it just a perception? I could only wish this was an allusion to the line "Beat like an illegitimate red-headed stepchild!" wayne: you must be kuno the loser ECB: Not to be confused with Kuno the winner or his third cousin, Kuno the sexually confused! kuno: i show you who is the loser you good for nathing ECB: I can't remember the last time I heard this dialogue. It might have been kindergarten, but I don't think people were that stupid then. hido atack ECB: This is quite possibly the most descriptive attack I've ever seen written. Did you study choreography under one of the great swordsmasters of Japan? The masterful description of the stroke as Kuno swung his blade was blinding in its supreme power! Too bad that didn't happen in this fic. wayne: sai hopen ECB: Even I can't read that. It makes no sense whatsoever. I think it's supposed to be some sort of mystic move allowing him to dodge the other nondescript mystic move, but I don't know. It could be him grabbing his dick and hopping up and down while he does the hokey pokey and turns it all about! wayne doged the atack ECB: He doged it damn good. Followed it every inch of the way down. His nose is a bloodhound's nose, sniffing out attacks wherever they may be! kuno: huh that was a uninvoidabal atack whare and did you lern how to doge it and who r you ECB: Yeah. Right. Kuno knows unavoidable attacks? Since when? And why hasn't he used them on Ranma before? And why IS he fighting Wayne? For kicks? Because random interlopers deserve to die? wayne i am i am wayne of the anything gos sai school of marshel arts ECB: I am, I am...Stuttering Stanley of the Stuttering School of Mishmashed English! all so the founder and owner and marster of the forbiden arts ECB: Because being unnecessarily godly in terms of power makes for the best fics. And everyone needs to know that you know forbidden arts. kuno: so the legendary fighter has come to insolt my fathers name arfter so manny years but you cannot be him ECB: But Kuno treats his father like a pest and a madman. His father's a freaking Hawaiian nutcase who ran off years ago. He never was a swordsman. You disgraced the mighty power of his Hawaiian coconuts! wayne: show his scar that kuno`s farther left ECB: Yes, show it! Chant it out loud! I mean, never let it be said that you could actually 'do' something. Wayne sure gets injured easily for a legendary martial artist. kuno: gasp the mark my farther left father i make you happy agan by killing this fool ECB: Uh, huh. Brilliant. We now find ourselves in a cheesy samurai novel! kuno: prepaer to die ECB: I don't know. I'm not quite ready yet. I could fit you in sometime next week, would that be okay with you? girls: noooooo look out wayne ECB: Because more 'o's make things better. They can do anything. Bad writing? Just add more o's. Fill a plot hole? Add more o's! World war three? ADD MORE O's! wayne: out of the way girls ECB: They teleported in the path of a raging Kuno? And what is Kuno wielding? A wooden sword? A steel sword? I know! He's wielding a tuna! girls: no ECB: STAY IN THE WAY! WALK IN THE PATH OF DANGER! MAKE SURE HE CAN'T DEFEND HIMSELF! wayne: ranma cach as wayne throwd the girls to ranma kuno`s sord met waynes chest just missing his heart by 2 inches wayne: ahhhhhh with the pain wayne calld up the art sai wayne: do sai ni ko hai do ka do mi hai ECB: *Glows* DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DO! KIBLAST OF LAMENESS! DIE AUTHOR! Isn't it bad enough that you are slaughtering one language? a blast of chi hit kuno kocking him down ECB: From where? The sky? "Look out, it's raining kiblasts!" all the girls: wow ECB: Hey! Cool! He's dying! That means we gape at his kiblast which..wait, everyone and their mother's uncle's third cousin from Rome throws! Go Seņor Il Palazzo! wayne: ahh coff coff ranma get me out of hear ECB: He's dying! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! And he still sounds like a crap sitcom actor! girls: is he going to be ok ECB: He has a gaping wound in his chest from a katana strike. Blood is running down all over him and his heart was missed by scant inches. He's a GODMODSI! Of course he'll be alright. ranma: ya i think ECB: See, even Ranma can tell! akane and nabiki and shampoo lookt with consurn ECB: Yes, they did. Because they are really robots from Mars who can't show emotion at all at someone being brutally stabbed in the chest with a sword. R2D2 lost parts to these girls? He'd so out-act them! ranma: akane nabiki and shampoo let get him to doc`s place ECB: No. Let's keep him here where his gaping wound is spewing blood all over the place! girls: ok ECB: NO! LET MR. SILUSTGODMOD DIE! ------------------- at the doc`s place ---------------------------- doc: whats rong what happend to wayne wayne ECB: He has a hole in his rib cage where a sword entered. I really can't tell what's wrong with him. The gaping hole is an interesting clue, though... Was he perhaps ice skating? kasumi: same hear ECB: MAD TELEPORTING SKILLZ! Go Older Background Girl and use your pod people teleporting magic to be at Dr. Tofu's when Wayne comes in! And...who the fuck is that in the Dr. Tofu suit? Bob the Hairy Ape? No reaction to Kasumi? This descriptionless blob in a Dr. Tofu suit really has no similarity to the original that I can see. ranma: kuno thats what happend ECB: Yes, because ubergodmartialartistSI's can so get taken out by Kuno with a katana in a single blow after dodging kuno's invincible forbidden secret technique of doom. doc: i iam sorry thars nathing i can do he has lost alot of blood ECB: You mean Tofu is suddenly trapped in reality? I see! This is sitcom Johnny! That doctor who always informs his patients how he can't save them! i wish thar was someting i can do ECB: No, you don't. Please don't. The readers wish he was died. shampoo: let`s take him to grandmather she help ECB: SEKRIT AMAZON MAGIC OF RESURRECTION! YES! And for our next trick, we will reveal that Genma is really a secret agent responsible for the decay of all humanity! takeing thar badly whondad friend to shampoos home ECB: You mean their badly wounded SIGODMODWHOCANNOTDIE?! ------------------- at shampoo`s house ------------------- shampoo: gandmather we need help wayne baddly wonded ECB: KILL THE GODMOD! CUT HIS THROAT! RUN HIM THROUGH! Cologne: wa wa wa wa wayne it cannot be ECB: Because no one could possibly not know Mr. SIGODMOD! ranma: Cologne you know him ECB: Of course. Aren't you reading the sarcastic bylines? Cologne: yes he is the legendary marshel artest ECB: And he was taken by Kuno. KUNO! I mean seriously, you couldn't invent a supervillain++ capable of stabbing Wayne to at least make us FEEL that he is an uber martial artist instead of a pathetic yuppie. but why is he yuong agen ECB: You recognized him despite him looking far younger than you expect? Oh wait...of course, you traced his SIGODMOD symbol! shampoo: grandmather ranma push wayne in cuerst spring of inmortel ECB: Can't you even keep your misspellings consistent? Cologne:gasp thats bad ECB: Why is it bad? YOu've made it seem like a god damn vacation this entire fic. well why is he hear and why is he bleeading ECB: Didn't we just go over this? He's been stabbed by a sword. That went through his ribcage and missed his heart by two inches. WHAT ARE YOU? BLIND AS A BAT? WHO THE FUCK MISSES A GAPING HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMEONE'S CHEST? ranma: Cologne kuno put hes sord in to wayne and wayne was protacting us ECB: ...that's quite a lame attack description. Do you not know the word "stabbed"? *stabs the author through the heart!* Cologne: i see well i can help but thars nathing i can do about his chi ECB: What a pathetic martial artist! Ranma himself tosses out dozens of them? Wayne throws one that doesn't even kill Kuno and it drains all his life? What the fuck is wrong with this pathetic bastard? ranma: ya about that he made a big blue ball and knockt kuno down ECB: BIG BLUE BALL OF DEATH! BWAHAHAHAHAHA...it's painful. Mind, retract! Music START! "Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Mighty crappy SI!" Cologne: oh no know i see every thing what he has done to protact yous he did with out consurn for his life ECB: You know. That could be consume his life or it could be without concern for his life. Who can tell? I think it was "he has decided to wear a purple cap and hop up and down like a silly SI!" ranma: whys that and can i lern it ECB: SUICIDE BLASTS! What a great idea! Everyone likes to learn blasts that EAT YOUR SOUL! Cologne: what wayne has done you cannot for the art he has can only belong to a marster of sai and he is the larst of his line ECB: Because the sai has everything to do with ki blasts and sai mastery is such a genetic trait! It's all clear now. Next you'll teach me how to shoot laser beams from my eyes, right? ranma: so whats bad abut that ECB: Weren't you listening to the clear signals of DOOM from Miss Deus Ex Machina, Lame Martial Arts Sidekick Man?! Cologne: its bader than you think i know about hes cures and so did he it is sayd that if a marster of sai has bean curst and he useas the most advarnst form of hes art it may kill him ECB: This is a line of logic even my esteemed mind refuses to follow. It is nothing more than a morass of self-justifying stupidity. Could we take the entire universe and turn it into a whirlpool of stupidity around a giant black hole of absolutely zero intelligence it would still not be stupid enough to represent this! ranma: so he is going to die ECB: of course not, haven't you been listening? He's a GODMODSI! He can't die. Cologne: not yet how ever thar is a way to brake the cures and keep bring him back to helth and that is if he marrys and has kids ECB: Uh huh! Mind...takes damage? What is this? But I have damage reduction versus stupidity 300! It couldn't possibly be so stupid as to hur...brain shutting down. wayne: Cologne no i dont whant that arfter all i am a freek ECB: Because Wayne is suddenly conscious with a GAPING HOLE IN HIS CHEST! Cologne: thats not what i see it looks like you have 20 suiters that being kasumi nabiki and shampoo and 17 ather girls ECB: Well, this left me speechless. Really. I almost but not quite thought this was a Skysaber fic for a second. Do you perhaps know of him? I could've sworn this was right from his fic! wayne: ?????? ECB: Wayne: I am not Skysaber. Really! nabiki: wayne its true i love you and so do the athers ECB: The author? Yeah, we know he loves 'wayne'. Regularly. wayne: no it cannot be i am a freek ECB: Okay. I can't do it anymore. You're well passed the point of self-parody. There is nothing I could possibly add to this to make it more funny than its own internal mockery of itself. The god damn misspellings only add to the context of being utterly crappy. to pove to you i am whach me ECB: And you are too enter happy. See that button four buttons away from the enter key? That is your "," key and it's used for (hold on, this will be something new and exciting for you to learn) denoting a breath, pause, or thought separation in a sentence! You don't need your enter key! It's Unnecessary! wayne: ki ho me to lo na DO ECB: I wish my gibberish was this powerful. KA TO AS TH JA QR NH TQ TAA! FEAR! It clearly must be an unstoppable ki blast! just than by a misyteress porwe moved the sord out of wayne ECB: A mysterious power only clearly recognized as a ki techinque. But why do we care? You mean he's been running around with a fucking sword in his chest? My DEVILS! I was assuming they at least removed the blade! Now the previous scenes take on a whole new RANGE of ludicrousness. Cologne: well it looks like wayne has endad his travels and now has no longer the will to travel any moor ECB: Um, can't you wait till Wayne is dead? Oh wait, that's not dramatic. the girls out side: quick run the freek is alive ECB: Because now there are girls outside who we suddenly know are there and care about and they are going to hear what is happening inside and... GAH, I fail my saving throw versus extreme stupid again. KILL THE FREAK! MURDER THE POD PEOPLE! DEATH TO THE AUTHOR! wayne: see that tay call me freek well i know whan i not whonted ECB: You aren't. Die. DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! ECB: "Run, run, or you'll be well done!"-Kefka wayne prepaers to leve whan nabiki and kasumi and shampoo get a dadder each and put it to thar hearts ECB: YAAAAAAAAAY! The blood will run like rivers! *Cheers* kasumi: i well glady die to pove my love for you wayne nabiki: i well glady die to pove my love for you wayne shampoo:i well glady die to pove my love for you wayne ECB: God damn it, don't slow down for a dramatic event! Just die! Show your love with BLOOD! wayne: no dont be foolash dont whast your life on me ECB: They are pod people. They only live for a few days at most. What's there to waste? Cologne: thats how thay feel about you wayne ECB: AIYEE! Sex tips from pod Cologne! The poor bastard! ---------------------------------------------- Cologne: dont you see wayne thar welling to be engaged to you ECB: This comes after the fucking? Man, does anyone have their priorities in order anymore? Cologne: i have no problam if shampoo whants you and i shor that soun well feel the same ECB: "Pls fuck my family, k? thnx!" wayne: no he whont ECB: Okay, we've now determined that Wayne exists in some parallel universe in which nothing anyone says can be heard! Everything is translated from complete and utter waffy bullshit to complete and utter shit. Not much of a change, but obviously not what we are seeing! soun: yes i well wayne i be happy to give you my 2 girls its it tradichen to make the tendo line expand besides you sayd that if you ever marryd you well link the dojos togather ECB: Um. *Twitches* ~o/Shot through the brain, and you're to blame! You give writing a bad name!/O~ ECB: By the way, the teleporting pod people trick is getting annoying. Can they teleport to hell next? wayne: i did say that but i dont know how i feel at the momant i feel like i am not worhty ECB: Because you haven't had enough of an ego boost yet! EGO BOOST POWER! SIGODMOD GAINS IMMORTALITY! SIGODMOD GAINS THE FAVOR OF THE HEAVENS! SIGODMOD GAINS SEVERAL COMPLETELY DEVOTED SEX SLAVES! SIGODMOD GAINS UBERMARTIAL ARTS SKILLS! SIGODMOD IS WINNAR! soun: dont be stuped dont you see my 2 girls have love for you ECB: Sorry, it's WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too late not to be stupid here. wayne: yes i do but its but posabal hear if i have 3 wifes thar well be caos ECB: Well, duh. Wait, there is already chaos! Would that mean there would only be more shit falling on paper? I think so! girls: well show him dad and make him ower husbend ECB: It's very sad that you can't even get three letter words correctly. I believe I was above this level of writing by the age of four. I'll just leave it at that. shampoo: i show love make wayne my husbend as well we get along me and tendo girls ECB: In which alternate universe is this? Pod people world? wayne: you girls shor girls: yes waynw: no i dont know if i am shor girls: well make you shor girls: well face kuno ECB: That makes no sense. NO SENSE! NO SENSE! SENSE NO MAKING! THE MONKEY IS LEAPING ON YOUR HEAD AND WAVING HIS BANANA OF DEATH! JUDGEMENT: TWO THUMBS DOWN! wayne: no this is my battel not yours as wayne gets up he gos to the school ECB: Wayne: Okay, time to get up and head off to battle with a GAPING WOUND IN MY CHEST THAT PUTS ME AT THE EDGE OF DEATH! girl: wer comeing Cologne: me to soun: me to ECB: Why the fuck are these two coming for a fight with Kuno? ---------------- back at the school ---------------- kuno: so your back to face me agan you good for nathing ECB: I'm in agreement with Kuno here, but I wonder, why is Kuno just standing around waiting to get into fights? I GOT IT! KUNO IS REALLY A TRAINING DUMMY IN A BROKEN DOWN DOJO! THIS WHOLE THING IS SOME DERANGED KID'S DELUSION AS YOU'LL REVEAL AT THE END! Shush logic, I know we already read the end and it's nothing that cool. wayne: hope sai go no DO ki ECB: GO GO CRAP KIBLAST! boom a big ball of red chi hits kuno and put him in hospatel ECB: And lo we see another crap fight scene. Boom! You are dead! Whee, exciting! wayne: it is done i can rest ECB: DIE SIGODMOD! *HISSES* wayne falls unconshess ECB: I know we are pretending he's really dead, but we all know that he won't because there is about another fifteen kilobytes of this crap here to go through. Not even my hope can get past that point. soun: noooo wayne old friend Cologne: is ok soun he is just gone in to a coma ECB: It's okay, I just broke the author's skull with a lead pipe. Nothing wrong. He'll get better. Really! Cologne: nabiki kusumi shampoo now be honesst do yous relly love wayne so much that yous well marry him and welling to be mothers ECB: ...They already fucked his brains out in a massive group orgy that was censored as it was so bad. SILLY HATS PEOPLE COMMENCE! BEAT HER WITH THE BATS! shampoo: hi ya yes nabiki: well i dont like my monney way so yes i well marry him and bear hes kids ECB: Hum, could it be that this is really just a parody of every bad cliche in fanfiction combined into one completely unreadable package? Naw, it's simply utter crap. The worst that can be found. soun: i am so happy about that now the 4 schools well be one ECB: What four schools? Have you ever even SEEN Ranma 1/2? what about you kasumi kasumi: yes dad i well ECB: End utterly trite devotion scene. To those of our readers who've survived this long, I congratulate you. -------------------------- 2 munths later wayne comes out of hes coma ECB: And thus I am shown to be correct. Damn it. Why can't I be wrong? WHY?! WHY COULDN'T HE JUST STAY...DEAD! *STABS THE AUTHOR* ------------------------------ wayne: huh whar am i soun: at home ECB: Because you always keep people who are in a coma at home. It's the most effective way to see them recover quickly with no extra damage. wayne: what r the ather 3 beds next to me ECB: Duke, The lameness! The LAMENESS! ECB: Dude, I already cut out my eyes. I can't see it. soun: the girls wayne: no it cannot be soun: it is and i have alowed it besides your going to be no longer my old friend but my son in law and Cologne`s ECB: ~o/Little bunny authorauthor hopping through the keyboard, leaping on your enter key and bopping it on the head!/o~ wayne: ?????? ECB: Yeah, it's confusing. After all, telling you you've been married while you were asleep for two months is the first thing on everyone's minds. soun: my girls apart from akane r going to be engaded to you Cologne: and my shampoo as well wayne: i dont know ECB: Because listening takes effort and doesn't allow you to maximize your patheticness while increasing your ego boost and trying to look like a nice guy. wayne starts to pack hes things ECB: Because running off right after waking up from a coma is a high priority. wayne: my things whar r thay ECB: Soun: We threw them out. We figured you could just stay here with a collar and be a sex slave the rest of your life. I'm such a good best friend! girls: you well no longer need tham hunny ECB: AAAAAAAAH! THEY'VE MERGED INTO SUPERSLUTWHORE FORM AGAIN! wayne: but i havent done any thing for you girls to be engaed to me girls: yes you have you saved us from kuno wayne: i did ????? ECB: No, but they did leap in front of Kuno to save you and fuck you senseless. --------------------- just than kuno apeard out side the house --------------------- kuno: come and face your death wayne ECB: Instant news transmission! Wayne wakes up and everyone knows it! soun: i take crae of this come on ranma ECB: Sure you will! That's why you call for Ranma! Cologne: no this is a test to prove to wayne that he loves the girls ECB: It is? Again, what universe are these people living in? wayne: well thanks for lateing me live hear it was fun if dont make it back ples dont let that fool take advantage of yous girls ECB: Kuno is a rapist now? What's the point? ------------------------------------- out side ------------- ECB: And now we begin one of the worst fight scenes ever to grace the white page! Straight from Evil Commentary Bureau Productions, our announcers, Sarcasm and Violence, will field this scene! wayne: ok ready now ECBSarcasm: Here we have our hero, Mr. SILUSTGODMOD THE SECOND! A grand master of some school of sai, capable of firing uber ki-blasts all the damn time and a legendary martial artist without peer. ECBViolence: KILL HIM NOW! kuno: hahaha die you good for nathing ECBSarcasm: On this side we have the oft comic relief swordsman of the Ranma series. Low man on the martial arts totem pole in Ranma. Rich, handsome, and utterly bashed in more fics than we'll ever read. ECBViolence: KILL HIM NOW! wham wayne doged ECBSarcasm: The tension here is very thick. I don't think our nuclear arsenal will manage to penetrate it. I am at the edge of my seat in antic...wait, he already told us what happened. ECBViolence:Okay, what in the world is going on here? This isn't a fight! This is a shouting match! WHAM! WAYNE DODGED! Fuck that! How about, I rip out your god damn vocal cords, wrap them around your testicles and then yank them up through your throat in an obtusely violent demonstration of why you suck? wayne: slam kuno doged ECBSarcasm: Copy above. Repeat. ECBViolence: Copy above. Repeat. Add more violence. Repeat. this whant on for hours ECBSarcasm: And lo the author spared us from hours of going wham. Thank the lord. ECBViolence:Copy above. Repeat. Add more violence. Repeat. Remove the breeding capacities of all of the author's family members. Rinse hands. kuno: your tiering wayne time to end it ECBSarcasm: Because Kuno really has limitless endurance compared to a grand master. kuno gets his sord ECBSarcasm: Kuno has been fighting without his sword? Since when? Kuno can't fight a damn without his sword. ECBViolence: That explains the lack of bloodshed. That and the fact that I splattered the author's brains on the wall a few lines back. girls and ranma: gasp this happend befor ECBSarcasm:... ECBViolence: SHOCK! FEAR! VIOLENCE! kuno: kitan the sord hits wayne`s heart ECBSarcasm: That's sweet sonny, now would you like to swing that sword this time? ECBViolence: *KILLS THE AUTHOR* girls: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ECBSarcasm: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! ECBViolence: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! kuno: my job is done see yous all for now ECBSarcasm: There is not enough lameness in the world. Please shoot me. ECBViolence: Well, that was abrupt. wayne: i.....i.....i....i lost wayne:i.......i.......i.....i did my best ECBSarcasm: You suck. ECBViolence: You really suck. girls: NOOOOO dont die wayne dont die ECB: And that ends our line by line announcement of the crap battle. Short, wasn't it? ------------------------------------ just than an angel came ECB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ?: my poor wayne ECB: God damn it. The gods themselves have to be used to justify your ungodly ego. girls and soun: who r you ECB: IT'S DEUS EX MACHINA! ?: i am lim i am wayne`s gardein but becos of the cuers i was unabal to help him ECB: ... Pain...m...pain..*throws up* but now i can by takeing the cuers away but thats all i can do fear well ECB: What FUCKING curse? Immortality? This is ridiculous beyond compare, you god damn kaipito! -------------------------- arfter that the girls ranma and soun see a blue lit comeing from wayne ECB: OOOOH HOLY EGO MIGHT! BLESSETH THEE WHO WISHES TO GIVE HIMSELF A LITERARY BLOWJOB! wayne: ahhhh my time is near ECB: Yeah right. Pity trip! wayne: nabiki kasumi shampoo i well all way....way....ways love yous and... and.......i whanted to marry yous girls ECB: Only you didn't. You attempted to flee at every pass to build more sympathy for yourself. You are a lame extension of an author's desire for praise and pity. ahhhhhhh....than wayne died ECB: I'd like to say this is lame, but that would be an insult to lame things everywhere. I cannot conceive of a word that is significantly powerful to differentiate this from simply extremely lame things. girls: he...he...dad...mr tendo...he he loved us he finaly say it and now he is dead ECB: Okay, even though I know he won't die, I can't help but cheer at the brief moment in which we all pray he would stay dead. ------------------- 10 minets later ------------------- girls and soun ranma: whots that brite lite ECB: It's called Deus Ex Machina, the second coming. Cologne: that is the starway to haven ECB: ~o/And she's buying a stairway to heaven/o~ girls: we see some one waveing and smileing ECB: Because they are obviously too stupid to realize anything for themselves... Cologne:thats wayne in hes adult form ECB: I'm just going to let this line parody itself. There's not much one can add onto it. girls: criying hes so sexy in hes real form its a pitty hes dead now still crying ECB: Oh yeah, it's your birthday, get your sex on! ...Or not. And if you do, please do it way off camera. Cologne: thars an old amazon saing that if one loves a loved one so deeply that loved one well return now the qusten is do yous girls realy realy love wayne deeply and welling to give your salfs to him ECB: WISH FOR IT GIRLS! WISH FOR IT AND YOUR SEX SLAVE SILUSTGODMOD WILL RETURN! girls: yes we well rather die and join him than go on liveing ECB: And there's a downside? I know there is supposed to be one here. But I'm just not seeing it. Cologne: than repet arfter me.... we ECB: Repeat after me...We girls: we ECB: We... Cologne: give ower love hearts and suols ECB: Are fucking horny slut pod people... girls: give ower love hearts and souls ECB: Are fucking horny slut pod people... Cologne: to the one we love ECB: who deserve to be shot in the face alongside their creator... girls: to the one we love ECB: Who deserve to be shot in the face alongside their creator... Cologne: thats it now we wait and see ECB: That's it, Waynehunt! Call out the dogs! Burn the idiots out! ------------------------------------- 1 hour later thay see a figer in the dojo ECB: God can't be perfectly on time, at the very second of prayer, he has to wait a bit to get through his queue of other super godling legends with harems who want to be revived. ----------------- kasumi nabiki shampoo ranma soun Cologne: who r you ECB: "I am R!" ECB: "No, really, who r you?" ECB: "I AM R!" ECB: "This joke is really lame." ECB: "Yeah. But so is the material I'm riffing off of." ?: i am the god of love your prayrs have been granted by me and my boss ECB: Wait a seconnnnd... Cupid's on vacation in the bahamas! That means you must be... *Yanks off mask* ECB: Just another crap Deus Ex Machina! ECB: "I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling readers and your damn Evil Commentary Bureau!" kasumi nabiki shampoo: thay have ECB: No, they haven't. It's really that there hasn't been enough crap sex scenes so you have to whore yourself out some more. But that should be no problem for the Pod people. god of love: yes thay have go and wait by your loved one side all: go to whar wayne`s body is laying ECB: Is any action going to be done without talking? You've shown you know how to at least show some differentiation between talking and acting, but you ignore it almost the entire time. --------- in haven --------- god of love: wayne you have been geanted life agen by the ones who love you you r to retune to tham now and do what you was saying to tham ECB: All of Reality: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ECB: Author: This is a brilliant idea. ----------------------------- just than wow thars a big brite blue lite ECB: Who's speaking now? Random fanboy narrator? --------------------------------- Cologne: wayne has heard your prying and has been geanted life agen ECB: Wayne has heard your prayers and decided to torment the world some more. girls: but thats not wayne ECB: You are right. It is Super Wayne the Seventeenth. Wayne completely devoid of anything resembling character sympathy! wayne: kasumi nabiki shampoo whats going on ECB: The comma is not something you stay in for a decade and a half. It is a vital tool of writing. And a good way to attack people! *flings a comma at the author* Evil Comma Boomerang Go! ECBPeanutGallery: Did we just become a sailor-moonesque sentai commentary? ECBPeanutGallery: Yeah, I think so. Run for the hills! girls: who r you your not wayne ECB: "I AM DILDOMAN!" Cologne: girls girls girls this is the real wayne he is no longer curst he has hes real form back as you see befor you ECB: At this rate, my eyebrow is going to twitch at any mention of curse after this fic. Curse ye! nabiki: wow hes a hunk ECB: No, he's a nondescript author SILUSTGODMOD! kasumi: he makes my heat beet farster ECB: Because we have so many heat beets lying around. shampoo: hi ya hes nude ECB: Brilliant observation, Miss Sage Slut! What wonderous knowledge will you share with us next? wayne: soun whats going on and why am i nude ECB: Because everyone has just been standing around the whole time. soun: wayne you died and the girls wish you back and your clothing is r in peises ECB: Because nudity is great for sex scenes and all. wayne: blushing now now girls what you thinking ECB: Because I just like improperly starting sentences with Because in a sense of vicious irony rather than riffing on this absolutely wretched scene. girls: hahahaha lets get him and have our way with him befor he changes his mind ECB: I can't believe even your hand is as horny as these pod people. --------------------------------------------- later that night at the dinner tabal ECB: It is time for our ritualistic nightly sacrifice of the SI! Wayne, get on the table! --------------------------------------------- soun: so wayne r you still going to stand by what you sayd befor you died ECB: You mean to shoot yourself in the face rather than breed? DO IT! DO IT! Whadyamean he didn't say that? I said he said that! KILL HIM! wayne: i dont know ECB: Because humility can never ever be overdone. Not like comments that start with because. ^_^ girls: dad mr tendo well fix that ECB: I'm almost tempted to circulate this as an example of how lack of punctuation reduces the comprehension level to nearly unreadable, but that would mean duplicating this and subjecting others to it. wayne: oh ya how girls: sex thats how ECB: I cannot help but bear a seething hatred for this abject mockeries of the original characters. Originally it was slightly funny, but to see any character that is supposed to be human reduced to such a pathetic unthinking whore is disgusting. It's past the pale of where it could even be pathetically funny. It's now akin to that little bit of slime and mud that always manages to stick to the bottom of one's shoes after passing through a field. soun: smileing ECB: No. Not Smiling. Frowning. Frownies! :-< wayne: no not agen soun do someting ECB: Please, save me from being raped by nubile young women! I don't know what I would do if they wanted to have MORE sex with me! soun: wayne understand if thay whant it than you have to respat thar wishes ECB: Go Fuck Them, Punk. And make sure they have a good time! and i whont stop tham thay do what best as thay see fit ECB: "Daddy, I want to be a slut!" ECB: "Okay pumpkin, just make sure not to whore yourself out too much to random newcomers." wayne: i....i.... oh bugger it hang on ECB: oh bugger is not a phrase that should ever be used in response to nubile young women offering sex. wayne: if you girls r that seares than you have to chach me ECB: And this is a joke because Wayne, being even a martial artist of half Ranma's calibur, could easily escape them all. hahahahaha ECB: Poor funny, over there...in the corner. Crying its eyes out. It's been so badly abused here. But don't worry. It'll recover! ~o/ Someday! Someway! SOOOOOMEHOOOOOOOW!/o~ And that's way too many times breaking out into song to end the pain of this fic. girls: your esey to chach ECB: WITH OUR LEATHER DOMINATION WHIPS! wayne: oh am i know ECB: Because extra letters add to understanding! wayne: sai ha ti mo do sai gi ECB: Another secret techinque utilizing supreme ki mastery and the usage of random letters with spaces between them! with that i disapear ECB: You are still there. I can see you. ECB: Wayne: Even with the...? ECB: Yes. ECB: Wayne: And the...? ECB: It's not hiding you. And put your damn clothes back on. I don't need to see that. Cologne: girls i know whar he is ECB: Go Cologne! Lead up to painfully bad sex scene! just look in the bed room and say gi ki nodo ECB: A moment of silence for the lame. It's just died of being far too large. than he well reapear ECB: MAGIC WORDS OF DISPELLING KI HIDING! ----------------- in the bedroom whar the 4 beds r in --------------------------------- wayne: hehehehe thay naver find me hahahahahaha ECB: I can still see you. ECB: Wayne: Drat it. girls: hehehehehe we found you wayne say the girls ECB: Because he's standing there in plain sight laughing? girls: gi ki nodo ECB: MAGIC WORDS! MAGIC WORDS! wayne: hahahaha thay havent found me yeat heheheh thinking to my salf ECB:I can hear you too. ECB: Wayne: But I thought that! ECB: No, no you didn't. ECB: Wayne: I totally did! That was all internal. ECB: You not only said it aloud but you visible were laughing the whole time. ECB:Wayne: Dammit. nabiki: wissel wissel come her loverboy ECB: Because he's still naked? kasumi: i agere ECB: Yeah, we know you do horny housewife. shampoo: hi ya we have to make baby wayne`s ECB: Brilliant plan, Sage Slut! girls: hmm whars wayne as thay go to my bed and sat on it ECB: THEY'VE MERGED INTO SUPERWHORESLUT! He doesn't stand a chance against her mad get fucked skills! nabiki: hmmmm whats this nice thing in my hand nabiki grins as she lowers her head wayne: ahhh whats this felling i experinsing as i look at the mirror i see my salf nude and my manhood in nabiki`s mouth what the i am invidsabal how can you girls see me girls: Cologne telld us how to make you reapear wayne: sigh well i at your mursy agen girls girls: we know grining we pland to make you feel good ECB: Okay. This sex scene is at least a thousand times better than the previous one. Which thusly makes it the third worst sex scene I've ever seen. Right after Oscar Anyhow...as nothing funny will come from this... ------------------ 6 weeks have parst and wayne ranma and soun and akane ar at the tabel ECB: Because six weeks pass without anything of note. ------------------- wayne: hmmm whar r the girls akane: thar at the doc`s ranma: hehehehe what did you do wayne ECB: "..." soun: hahahaha i hope your prapard for the news wayne wayne: i can handel any news ECB: "..." --------------------------------------------- at the doc`s --------------- girls: so whats the news doc r we pragent or not ECB: No. You are about to be shot in the face with a shotgun. doc: yes all 3 of you r pragnet ECB: *BOOM!* girls: yes no he has to marry us at the same time ECB: Because you all had a harem dream didn't you, su...oh wait, you are in SUPERWHORESLUT form, aren't you? doc: who ECB: I was going to do another sentai pod people joke here but this level of absolutely insulting stupidity just takes the cake. girls: wayne that who ECB: Doc: SHOCK! AWE! SURPRISE! doc: wayne got all 3 of you this way ECB:Doc: I SENSE MAD ORGY! girls: yes but we whontad to be this way ECB: That's more than obvious. doc: well i ring wayne and tell him girls: no we whont to suprise him ECB: You fucked him and you want it to be a surprise? doc: that he well be ECB: Because he's retarded? ----------------------- at the tendo house ----------------------- wayne: did thay say why thay whant to the doc ECB: They were dying of a rare new disease called character decay. It's been afflicting them since they were used for this fic. soun: no why ECB: Wayne: Oh, just hoping they'd return and attend to my dick again! I haven't had an ego boost in a few seconds so... akane: wispering to soun`s ear ECB: HIT YOU IN FACE! BRUTALLY STAB YOU WITH DAGGER! KICK YOU IN THE NUTS! PAIN! SUFFERING! ECB: Isn't this terribly exciting? i think wayne got tham pragent ECB: No, Really?! I bet he thought the constant sex was just entertainment! but dont tell him let tham do it and dad i am carring ranma`s baby as well ECB: Yes, Akane needed to get banged up as well at the age of sixteen. It was absolutely necessary that Mr. Inferior Martial Arts Sidekick Man and Miss Lame Tomboy the Forty-Second fuck each other senseless. soun: i am so happy ECB: No. You aren't. You aren't even crying in joy. wayne: why you so happy soun soun: i going to be a grandfarther ECB: ... wayne: congats soun whos the lucky farther ECB: I'd like to say this is the most retarded line in the fic, but you got some pretty fucking stupid lines earlier and my mind is just throbbing in pain for even trying to label one "Most Stupid". soun: ranma thats who ECB: There are only two people fucking your daughters. Is this whole question really necessary? ranma: hehehehe wayne: ranma i didnt know you had it in you ECB: He doesn't. The author just helped him out. That's really your kid as well. girls: wer home and shampoo is with us ECB: I won't try to make sense of why you are separating shampoo out from SUPERWHORESLUT. wayne: welcome back why did you girls go to the doc r you girls sick girls: yes but its only moring sickness ECB: May the silence of utterly not giving a fuck echo nicely... wayne: well i hope you get better girls: wayne its moring sickness get the hint ECB: This is quite possibly the worst execution of a "I'm pregnant" scene I've ever seen. "I am sick!" "Oh, that sucks." "No, no. You don't get it. I am sick!" "I heard you, that really sucks. I hope you get better soon." "No, no, no! I'm PREGNANT YOU DUTZ!" "..." wayne: huh ????? ECB: Don't worry, this is the one case in which you aren't being incredibly retarded by not getting it. ranma: wayne i didnt know you had it in you ether ECB: Well, if you fuck often, what do you think you are going to get? A cookie-monster? wayne: ??????? akane: wayne what the saying is that thar pragnet ECB:Because actually saying it is impossible and the whole secret angle can only last a half page. wayne: pra....pra....pra..... pranget ECB: ... girls: yes your going to be a dad ECB: He's how much older than they are? Oh wait, just some undetermined amount that makes him best friends with their FATHER! wayne: sorry soun i shod of whated till we marryd ECB: ... soun: but thats what thay whontd and its thar way of saying comitment ECB: ... I thought it was the author's way of saying: Damn I'm cool. I get all the babes! wayne: i understand i hear by anounce that the anything gos sai school of marshell arts and the anything gos tendo school of marchell arts well now be as one ECB: The pain is great. Very great. I sense Rumiko Takahashi collapsing down on the floor, her heart stopped from the sheer horror of this scene before she steadily begins to turn about. soun: all 4 school well now be one ECB: 4? *counts* Only 3. 3 schools. The one you made up. The Tendo School. The Saotome school. There are THREE. NOT FOUR! THREE! THREE! ------------------------------ just than kuno barged in ECB: ENTER, THE PATHETIC VILLIAN! ------------------------------ kuno: who is the feand that got the 2 tendo girls and shampoo pregnet ECB: Why the FUCK does he care and how the hell does he know? Does he have some sort of psychic helpline: "The Tendos got fucked and are now pregnant Kuno! GO, KILL, RAPE, PILLAGE! And get me some god damn milk." girls: get lost kuno ECB: ... wayne: i did what it to you kuno ECB:... kuno: who r you loser ECB:... ranma akane soun kasumi nabiki shampoo: dont say that you be sorry kuno ECB: Like the last two times they fought and he beat Wayne? kuno: so i not whorryd i destroed one rivel whats anather to me ECB: He didn't care about the Tendos or Shampoo. He wanted Akane. A-K-A-N-E! Sheesh. Can you get anything right? wayne: kuno you think you distroed me do you ECB: With good reason. He stabbed you through the chest. TWICE! girls and ranma akane and soun: ya the girls lifting my shirt showing the scar ECB: ...I can't...can't...can't answer that. That makes absolutely no sense. I know what is happening but this in no way gets one there. kuno: that that thats inposabal i seen you die at my hands ECB: Kuno showing person recognition skills? It must be a fake! I see, this is Uber Fake Villain pod person! wayne: yes you did but i been ganted life agen thanks to the girls and i am now longer cuerst and have my adult form back ECB: "You have made me more powerful than you can even imagine." kuno: why WHY DID YOUS PRAY TO BRING HIM BACK ECB: Um, because they are pod people. Haven't you been keeping up? girls: becos he is marring us and to prove it we made him get us pragnet ECB: SEX! It does a fic bad! kuno: ya right what lies prpar to die scum ECB: But you came here because you knew they were pregnant. wayne: not this time kuno ECB: It is time to reveal my ultra secret powers that I've been ignoring all fic long! wayne: sai timezone ECB: RANDOM UNDESCRIBED ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE OF INSTANT VICTORY! kuno: noooooooo ECB: STANDARD VILLIAN SCREAMING BEFORE VANISHING IN A...what? What's that? The author spent his special effect budget on whores? There's no poof of smoke? That sucks. ranma: cool can you tech me that ECB: CLICHE FANBOYISM FROM MR. INFERIOR MARTIAL ARTIST SIDEKICK! wayne: not yet i still have to marry to make the line finel ECB: I JUST LIKE CAPITALS AND SHOUTING WHEN YOU ARE BEING A MORON! girls: well let set the wedding day how about 1 muths time ECB: No. How about never? ------------------------ to be continued send your comants to gonow@elink.net.au or gonow_gonow@yahoo.com ECB: THANK THE SEVEN HELLS! It's done! Over! Finished! Kicked the bucket! Bought the farm! SELF INCINERATED! Provided a lovely place for my puke to land! Etc. *end ECB* Okay, that was ungodly bad. It was so bad I had difficulty being witty at times, as many astute readers will probably notice. I'd like to give this a lower grade, but the Make Sense school only provides a minimal level of "Fail" in terms of making sense. This had some of the worst scene designs I have ever seen in my entire reading career. I ask, in the humblest of senses, that this author never write again until he has at least completed a first grade English class.