[Ranma/SM] Ignie Ferroque chapter 1

[Jon]

I'm baaaaaaack. First chapter of approximately 7 to 9. I've got things roughly mapped out from here on out, but I'm still interested in all sorts of C&C. I'm probably quite rusty -- this is the first chapter I've completed of anything in a year or two. It probably also needs to be a lot longer if I'm going to be finished in nine chapters. :(



"Can't miss it, they said. Just outside Harajuku station, they said. Well, I'm here in Eiyouhiroba, so where the hell is Eiyouhiroba Hotel?" Ranma paced back and forth in the middle of the plaza, examining the shops that gave the "Prosperity Square" its name.  The usual array of fashion boutiques and restaurants were everywhere, but here and there were more unusual shops, like a storefront apparently devoted to Pocky or the store with a prominent TBS/JNN logo on the front, though Ranma had no idea what they could possibly be selling. He shrugged and headed for the latter store; it would likely be empty enough that he could impose upon the shopkeeper for directions.

"Hey, do you know where...." Ranma trailed off, since the shopkeeper didn't appear especially attentive and, in fact, seemed to be collapsed across the counter. "Hey, are you all right?"

A shuffling noise from behind him was all the warning Ranma got. He leaped over the counter, spinning in midair, landing easily to face a large widescreen television, if widescreen TVs had gaping mouths and appendages comprised of long, painful-looking cables. "Televore will devour your soul!" it roared.

The monster didn't move to attack, though. Ranma figured it was waiting for him to make a speech, like those girls Kasumi liked to watch on the news always did. Fat chance of that. Where were those girls, anyway? Wasn't this sort of monster the kind they were always fighting?

Deciding he couldn't afford to wait for them to show, Ranma dove around the edge of the counter so that the youma would be between him and the door. "Can't fight it in here," Ranma muttered, grabbing a handful of TBS-branded fans off the counter and throwing them at the youma with a variant on Ryouga's iron-cloth technique. "Too risky." The monster had spawned from a TV set; it might be able to regenerate itself with easy access to them. Besides, his abilities would work better in an open area, like the plaza. The youma staggered under his assault and Ranma pressed forward, planting a series of kicks into its casing.

Once clear of the doorway, Ranma began circling around, leading the youma into the center of the plaza. "Now I've got you," he said, dodging Televore's right-hand cables as they tried to take off his face. The youma didn't seem to be giving off hot ki, so a Hiryuu Shouten Ha would be tough to pull off. But then again, it'd work just as well if there were plenty of hot ki from any source. "Ki blasts," he realized. "If I can just...." Ranma cupped his hands and fired off a Mouko Takabisha, and then another, and a third. "Wouldn't a been able to do this a few months ago. Guess that fight with Saffron was good for something after all."

The ki blasts broke the youma's plastic casing into pieces, but didn't seem to be slowing it down at all. Ranma shrugged and led it through the spiral step anyway. "Let's see you come back from this! Hiryuu Shouten Ha!" The youma shot upward into the tornado formed from the waste heat of Ranma's own ki-blasts. Moments later, it came hurtling back down, remnants of the ki-fueled windstorm tearing at it even as they dissipated. With a mighty crash of breaking glass and snapping plastic, the youma fell apart into several pieces, quickly decaying into dust.

"Well, that was easy." Ranma dusted off his hands and looked around, his eyes lighting on a skyscraper a few blocks away. "Hey! Eiyouhiroba Hotel!"


Ignie Ferroque
Chapter One: Rules of Engagement

The characters and setting are (primarily) Takahashi's and Takeuchi's. The story's mine.

Ranma checked the sheet. He was entrant number 106, so he was looking for table 4-A which, if the system was at all regular, would be off towards the far left corner. As he headed there, he noticed himself analyzing the games being played around him: this student here was unable to see more than three or so moves ahead and was consequently rapidly losing his liberties, and another guy a few tables away was playing straight from the sort of beginner's guides Ranma had seen Hamada-san read. As Ranma neared his table, he noticed his opponent looking at her watch. Funny thing, though: she looked exactly like Nabiki from behind.

"Sorry I'm late," he began. "I hope you weren't waiting too long." His opponent turned around and stared at him blankly. She looked exactly like Nabiki from the front, too.

"Saotome, what are you doing here?" she asked tiredly.

Ranma sighed. "There's this tournament I'm enrolled in. I dunno if you've heard about it." He knew he shouldn't antagonize her, but the sooner she moved out of the initial stage of disbelief, the better.

"You can't be in the tournament. I got the list of names, and you weren't on it."

"Late addition. Sasakawa-san down the street gave me his place." Ranma pulled out his acceptance card and showed it to her.

Nabiki eyed it. "But why would he do that?" she asked with an exasperated air. "Oh, never mind. Let's get this started."

The game began. Nabiki had three handicap stones and, as the lower-ranked player, took Black and played first. She played cautiously at first, but after a dozen turns with no sign of a brilliant strategy from Ranma, he could tell that she was regaining her confidence. Maybe it was a bit premature of her, he thought, given everything she'd seen since he arrived in Nerima, but he couldn't entirely blame her. After all, he didn't have a brilliant strategy. He didn't know why he'd been able to win all those games with the men in Shakujii Park. He didn't know why Sasakawa had insisted Ranma take his place in the tournament. He tried to look even just a few moves ahead in the game, but Nabiki was proving difficult to predict.

Just like before, he never saw it coming. One moment, he was agonizing over where to make his move, unsure whether he should defend his few remaining eyes or go back on the offense against Nabiki's rapidly growing areas of the board. The next moment, he felt like pieces were falling into place in a puzzle he hadn't even realized he was solving. He saw the game finishing in hundreds of different ways, from utter failure to wild success, and the sequences of moves to get to each of those endings. He saw himself dressed in some sort of battle armor, fighting enemies he couldn't comprehend. And he saw himself standing outside Ukyo's restaurant late at night, watching the stars go out in huge, ugly slashes across the sky. And then he saw nothing at all.

"Saotome, are you all right?" Nabiki was shaking his shoulder.

"Yeah," he managed. "Yeah, I'm fine." He looked down at his hand, clenched tight around the white glass stone. It took a moment before he could make himself unclench his fist. They were getting worse. He needed advice, and he knew where he could get it. But the game came first. It was a matter of respect. Of honor.

Nabiki looked squarely at him across the board. "Well, then, are you going to make your move or not? You looked like you were going to pass out, and I'd prefer to beat you fairly instead of winning by forfeit." Her usual thin smile appeared to be tempered by a modicum of concern.

Ranma nodded and selected an ending that would leave her a bit of dignity in her loss. She at least deserved that. It didn't take long, either. Nabiki didn't say anything as he put his stones back in their bowl, bowed to her, and hurried out of the convention room and back to the train station.

The trip back to Furinkan seemed to take forever. Ranma kept replaying the sights he'd seen in his head. The only thing he thought he could be sure of was that not everything he'd seen was going to happen. The other times this had happened, when he was playing with the old men in the park, what he'd seen had been just possibilities, often contradictory possibilities.

The train arrived at Yoyogi Station and Ranma hurried to catch the subway to Toshimaen Station. He let his mind go blank, watching the world pass by, until he arrived back in Furinkan. It was only a short walk to the Nekohanten. Cologne was waiting for him at the entrance, balancing on her staff as usual. "I thought you'd stop by. Come in, son-in-law."

Ranma warily followed her into the restaurant. "How did you know I was coming?"

"Just a hunch," Cologne asserted. "I trust my hunches. What's on your mind?" she asked, as Ranma slid into a booth by the wall.

"Weird things have been happening to me. I know, I know," he said, waving a hand to ward off her sarcasm. "Weirder than usual." He told her about the Go games and the visions. "Up until now, nothing I saw was weird. Just the usual routine: school, fights, dodging the fiancees, and that sort of thing. And now I see this kind of thing. And I think some of it's going to happen."

Cologne's eyes narrowed. "Okay. What if it does? What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. It probably won't be something I can just fight like normal." He sighed. "I'm not used to having to deal with things I can't fight. That's why I came to you for advice."

"Good. Now, you said this happens when you play Go?" Cologne pogoed into the back room and returned with a game set balanced on her head.

"When I'm losing, yeah."

"That shouldn't be too difficult," Cologne said, passing him the black stones with a grin on her face.

She won the first game handily. "Again." The second game went even more quickly. "Again." The third time, he managed to hold out for a while, but she still won after forty moves. "Again." Halfway through the fourth game, it happened again. He ignored the game solutions and focused on the rest of it. There was a girl on a large display screen welcoming him and calling him "Captain". There was a fight with more monsters like the one from earlier, ranging over a rocky landscape. There was Nerima on fire, neighbors running riot through the streets in a desperate attempt to hold off the cold. There was Kasumi walking home from the market, when she suddenly collapsed as she passed an alley, as a blond-haired young man stepped out from the shadows and picked up her body before vanishing again. And there was him searching through a room full of corpses, and finding Kasumi's.

His eyes flashed open. "I have to go. Kasumi's in trouble."

Cologne nodded. "Be careful, son-in-law."

"You know me." He made a quick smile and ran out the door.

It wasn't far to the Tendou's house, especially by rooftop. Akane met him at the door. "There you are, Ranma! Where have you been all day?"

"No time for that. Where's Kasumi?" He brushed past her and headed for the kitchen, but she wasn't there. "Where is she?"

Akane glowered at him. "Calm down, okay? You just missed her. She went to get some groceries for supper tonight. You know how she is about fresh ingredients. She'll be back in no time."

[Jason_Miao]

It probably also needs to be a lot longer if I'm going to be finished in nine chapters. :(

Yes.  Yes, it does.  It feels like a prologue, or an extended vignette.

TBS/JNN logo on the front, though Ranma had no idea what they could possibly be selling.

There's some reference that I missed here.

She looked exactly like Nabiki from the front, too.

Heh.

Just like before, he never saw it coming. One moment, he was agonizing over where to make his move, unsure whether he should defend his few remaining eyes or go back on the offense against Nabiki's rapidly growing areas of the board. The next moment, he felt like pieces were falling into place in a puzzle he hadn't even realized he was solving.

There is a wonderful story by Fritz Leiber called Midnight by the Morphy Watch.  Similar imagery, although I suspect your story will develop quite differently.

It didn't take long, either. Nabiki didn't say anything as he put his stones back in their bowl, bowed to her, and hurried out of the convention room and back to the train station.

So he played one match at the tournament, then left?  Very strange tournament setup.

"I don't know. It probably won't be something I can just fight like normal." He sighed. "I'm not used to having to deal with things I can't fight. That's why I came to you for advice."

"And how do you know this, son in law?"
"Look, can't we just let Jon skip all that development where I'm cocky enough to think I can handle everything because I'm just that good?"

There was a fight with more monsters like the one from earlier, ranging over a rocky landscape.

He's fighting televisions over a rocky landscape?

There was Nerima on fire, neighbors running riot through the streets in a desperate attempt to hold off the cold.

It's hard to reconcile running riot with Japan, somehow.

Akane glowered at him. "Calm down, okay? You just missed her. She went to get some groceries for supper tonight. You know how she is about fresh ingredients. She'll be back in no time."

This was a horrible place to end it.  Not in the "I can't wait to see what happens next; why must you taunt me so?" sense, but the "Why did you choose here to end it of all places" sense.

[Jon]

TBS/JNN logo on the front, though Ranma had no idea what they could possibly be selling.

There's some reference that I missed here.

TBS/JNN is a tv station. The "store" was basically there for marketing, and would have a lot of televisions playing, and possibly some branded merchandise for sale.

It didn't take long, either. Nabiki didn't say anything as he put his stones back in their bowl, bowed to her, and hurried out of the convention room and back to the train station.

So he played one match at the tournament, then left?  Very strange tournament setup.

He wasn't supposed to leave. He got worried by the visions, since they were considerably more ominous than anything he'd seen before.

"I don't know. It probably won't be something I can just fight like normal." He sighed. "I'm not used to having to deal with things I can't fight. That's why I came to you for advice."

"And how do you know this, son in law?"
"Look, can't we just let Jon skip all that development where I'm cocky enough to think I can handle everything because I'm just that good?"

Heh. I'm kind of tired of that trope turning up in every Ranma/SM fic, so I wanted to avoid it.

There was a fight with more monsters like the one from earlier, ranging over a rocky landscape.

He's fighting televisions over a rocky landscape?

Well, Ranma identified Televore as being a youma, as in "the sort of monsters the those costumed girls fight". So I meant more youma.

There was Nerima on fire, neighbors running riot through the streets in a desperate attempt to hold off the cold.

It's hard to reconcile running riot with Japan, somehow.

Well, when the average temperature has lowered 20 degrees or so worldwide, people might begin to panic.

Akane glowered at him. "Calm down, okay? You just missed her. She went to get some groceries for supper tonight. You know how she is about fresh ingredients. She'll be back in no time."

This was a horrible place to end it.  Not in the "I can't wait to see what happens next; why must you taunt me so?" sense, but the "Why did you choose here to end it of all places" sense.

I ended it there mainly so I could go to sleep having finished the chapter. I can see I've got plenty of extending and expanding to do. Gotta get back into practice! Thanks so much for your comments.

[Jason_Miao]

"And how do you know this, son in law?"
"Look, can't we just let Jon skip all that development where I'm cocky enough to think I can handle everything because I'm just that good?"

Heh. I'm kind of tired of that trope turning up in every Ranma/SM fic, so I wanted to avoid it.

Then you need to skip the vague visions, and show the reader why your character is THIS scared that he'd do something he'd usually never think of doing.

Images of an angle (a cute one) being torn to catfood by rampaging elliptical demons after its flaming sword has been extinguished, Genma's and Akane's decaying bodies bursting and disgorging hundreds of maggots that have been feeding on the pus for a month, his mother buried alive and slowly crushed to death as a collapsed building settles and no one can help because it is happening in the entire city, Nabiki doing taxes.

Going nuts over vague images of him fighting the attack of the killer TVs and wearing armor is the Robert Jordan method of writing.  You have done better before, so I know you can do better here.

He's fighting televisions over a rocky landscape?

Well, Ranma identified Televore as being a youma, as in "the sort of monsters the those costumed girls fight". So I meant more youma.

Then say that.

My exposure to Sailor Moon mainly comes from DDFA and Ben Oliver.  Your monster's distinguishing characteristic is being a television.  When you say "monsters like he fought before", my non-SM-oriented-brain is thinking television.  When you say costumed girls, I'm wondering where the girls with arrows stuck in their heads and massive over-the-top explosions/Monty Python references are.

It's hard to reconcile running riot with Japan, somehow.

Well, when the average temperature has lowered 20 degrees or so worldwide, people might begin to panic.

People panic in different ways.  New York, Philly, I could see it.  LA, well heck, maybe they'd do it just for the hell of it.  Japan, not so much.

I ended it there mainly so I could go to sleep having finished the chapter.

Why does the chapter end here?  There's neither been closure, an established conflict, or any action to pique the reader's interest.

I can see I've got plenty of extending and expanding to do. Gotta get back into practice! Thanks so much for your comments.

No problem.  Hope to see more soon.