[Haruhi (novels)] [Dark] Error in Calculation

[Brian]

Yeah.  I wrote a Haruhi darkfic.

This is me we're talking about.

Putting the entire story in one thread since I think I'm pretty much just spamming a ghost-forum anyway. <_<;

[Brian]

And the rest of it.

Though, that would have been a nice cliffhanger to leave you on ... which, BTW, Dr. Acos, was my afformentioned troll.

I am the guy who gets to choose who bears the title of King of Bastards.

[Edward]

     Error in Calculation
>
>     Chapter One: The First Day
>
>        A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.
>

>     The first day was exciting, wondering what had happened, if she
>could get the Brigade together to sneak into school and find out.  But
>stupid Kyon's phone went straight to voice-mail, and the student
>directory with his home number was stuck in her desk at school.
>Mikuru's phone rang and rang and rang, but no one answered.  Koizumi's
>voice-mail said that something urgent had come up, and he might not be
>able to return calls for a while.

Nice way to leave things open.

>Her voice fled her, trailing off into
>nothing when she saw the detective's pained expression.

Suggest dropping the second "her".

>     The next day was not going to be exciting at all.

Nice.

>     An internal notification warned her that standing and staring had a
>high probability of being misconstrued, and would be attention-gathering
>behavior.

Nice getting inside the character. The question is which character, of course.

>     She blinked again, not submitting any data, without question.
>Chemical triggers in Suzumiya Haruhi's brain were present uniquely in
>proximity to him, according to her observations.  Her reference list
>suggested that her behavior thus far did not agree with the chemical
>observations, however.  She could only say she was uncertain.

Shouldn't the officer also question her about her relationship to Kyon?


>
>     "Well, anyway ... looks like you and your friend are both in a bad
>state over this.  Why don't the two of you stick together for a while?
>It'll probably be on an official bulletin later, but advice is for
>students to travel in groups for a while anyway."relying on internal
>analysis alone.  Suzumiya Haruhi was interested

There appears to be a copy-paste fragment here.  Drop ""relying on internal analysis alone.  Suzumiya Haruhi was interested"


>Dressed in somewhat rumbled business casual,

"somewhat _rumpled_"


>Never once had he heard of someone witnessing
>it and then pleading indifferent.

Think it should be "pleading _indifference_"

>     "I know that, but how does this look from the outside?  Orders came
>down that you had to be pulled out, because the attention that this
>brings onto us ... is going to be too much for the Organization to
>remain hidden."

Should there be a "this" after the ellipses?

>     "Eh ... at a cursory inspection, based on her records I would say
>she lacks empathy."
>
>     "You would say, she's a psychopath?"

She does have tendencies.


>     Oishi grimaced, hand reaching for a third cigarette before he
>stopped himself, pulling a pen from his pocket and chewing on the cap
>thoughtfully instead. 

Nice touch.

[Edward]

>     Error in Calculation
>
>     Chapter Two: The Second Day
>
>        A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.
>


>I apologize for utilizing you
>as a pawn, Koizumi, but you're too important fighting closed space for
>the Organization to attack you."

Suggest "using" instead of "utilizing".

>     But Yuki seemed more silent than usual.  She obviously was
>unsettled by the entire thing, too.

Suggest "whole" instead of "entire".

>Yuki ate
>in silence, almost mechanically, her eyes only occasionally flicking to
>her plate, and mostly fixed on the droll news report.

"Droll" seems to be the opposite of what this news report is.

>I had actually transfered
>in from Okinomiya a few weeks before then

"_transferred_" her and elsewhere.

>
>     "You will.  You chose a more complete understanding of the organic
>emotive process over a better equipped social monitor, didn't you?"

Nice touch.

[Brian]

>Her voice fled her, trailing off into
>nothing when she saw the detective's pained expression.

Suggest dropping the second "her".

Hmm, good call.

>     The next day was not going to be exciting at all.

Nice.

Thanks. :D

>     An internal notification warned her that standing and staring had a
>high probability of being misconstrued, and would be attention-gathering
>behavior.

Nice getting inside the character. The question is which character, of course.

Well, it should be relatively obvious, considering. :p

>     She blinked again, not submitting any data, without question.
>Chemical triggers in Suzumiya Haruhi's brain were present uniquely in
>proximity to him, according to her observations.  Her reference list
>suggested that her behavior thus far did not agree with the chemical
>observations, however.  She could only say she was uncertain.

Shouldn't the officer also question her about her relationship to Kyon?

Ooh, he probably should, actually.  That's an easy addition.

Sadly, no one seems to have caught Nagato's answer to the 'does Kyon have any enemies' question. :p

There appears to be a copy-paste fragment here.  Drop ""relying on internal analysis alone.  Suzumiya Haruhi was interested"

Hmm, so it seems. XD

>Dressed in somewhat rumbled business casual,

"somewhat _rumpled_"

Haha, wow. XD  Good catch. :3

>Never once had he heard of someone witnessing
>it and then pleading indifferent.

Think it should be "pleading _indifference_"

You are correct, nyoro~!

>     "I know that, but how does this look from the outside?  Orders came
>down that you had to be pulled out, because the attention that this
>brings onto us ... is going to be too much for the Organization to
>remain hidden."

Should there be a "this" after the ellipses?

I don't _think_ so ... but I could be wrong. :x

>     "You would say, she's a psychopath?"

She does have tendencies.

Really?  I can't recall her committing acts of violence unprovoked.  Hum, there was the time she hit Kyon's head on her desk (actually an accident), and the time she flying-kicked the Computer Research Society president in the head, but that's actually it.   She even comments during the filming of the movie that she can't stand stories where people die.

But I can totally see how someone who wasn't more familiar with her would think it.  In fact, the official definition of a psychopath is someone without empathy (which she is, to start out).

>     Oishi grimaced, hand reaching for a third cigarette before he
>stopped himself, pulling a pen from his pocket and chewing on the cap
>thoughtfully instead. 

Nice touch.

Thanks; I know a lot of smokers. :p

>I apologize for utilizing you
>as a pawn, Koizumi, but you're too important fighting closed space for
>the Organization to attack you."

Suggest "using" instead of "utilizing".

That works; Mori's not usually so mechanical in her speech.

>     But Yuki seemed more silent than usual.  She obviously was
>unsettled by the entire thing, too.

Suggest "whole" instead of "entire".

Alrighty.

>Yuki ate
>in silence, almost mechanically, her eyes only occasionally flicking to
>her plate, and mostly fixed on the droll news report.

"Droll" seems to be the opposite of what this news report is.

Holy cow.  I've been misusing that word for YEARS thanks to incorrect context clues (that being it was used exclusively in sarcastic situations and I evidently failed it).

Inigo Montoya: That word ... I do not think it means what you think it means.

Yes.  Well.

'dry', then, except that I already edited that scene out. >.<

>I had actually transfered
>in from Okinomiya a few weeks before then

"_transferred_" her and elsewhere.

Got it.

>     "You will.  You chose a more complete understanding of the organic
>emotive process over a better equipped social monitor, didn't you?"

Nice touch.

Glad that worked for you. :3

And thanks especially for taking the time to C&C this. :D