[Ranma] A Baroque Yarn

[Brian]

GENTLEMEN.

I have attempted a humorous piece:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7198868/1/A_Baroque_Yarn

That is all.

[Jon]

This is far more fun than chapter three of Descent.

[Jon]

Also, one of your reviewers is incapable of reading comprehension. Or thought.

[Brian]

Also, one of your reviewers is incapable of reading comprehension. Or thought.

Made me laugh, it really did.

[Jon]

I think as long as you don't constrain yourself too much to canon, you could have a bit of fun with this. Turn it into a comedy of manners (and violence).

[Jon]

I couldn't stop myself from thinking about ways to continue this, but I won't spoil your fun by mentioning them here.

I will, however, note that, according to Warren Ellis, you don't fire an arrow. You fire cannon or other guns. You shoot or loose an arrow.

[thepanda]

This really cheered up my day.

[Jason_Miao]

Fun.   And probably about the right length for a "different setting, same situation" piece (esp since you're almost out of fiancees).

[Brian]

I had vague ideas for Kodachi (probably ... Cosette?) trying to steal Roan away from Anne and the others, but it didn't feel like it went anywhere.

I could have invented some adventures, but nothing else really leapt out as, "convert this chapter into this setting!"

Come to think of it ... Happosai's character just didn't fit at all.  Heh.

[Jon]

Yeah, Kodachi would work well as a crazy Frenchwoman.

[Jason_Miao]

Yeah, Kodachi would work well as a crazy Frenchwoman.

Heh.  I'd thought Ottoman princess myself.  Because (1) Kod^H^H^HCosette as French is easy to equate, and the other fiancees have all been against archtype, so why not her as well? (2) the rulers of the Ottoman empire followed Islam, which gives another region-specific multiple-marriage avenue.

[Brian]

...brilliant.

I imagine poor Roan would be quite put-upon by then....

[Jon]

Kodachi is too crazy for that to work.

[Dracos]

So, I found the brief venture amusing.  It ended at a proper time as well, the jest not outstaying its strength.

[Edward]

This is brilliant.  There are several points I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe.  Nancy's a lot more fun than her original counterpart and she didn't have a monopoly on the humor. Anne and Roan still have egos, tempers, and ability to jump to conclusions - and far more chance of success in their relationship than their original counterparts. I've got some minor suggestions - feel free to ignore, especially the historical ones since no one else noticed.

>Her elder sister did get upset if she ever got them stained.

Perhaps 'eldest'.

>     "As you know," Kate began, once both were seated, though she
>herself remained standing, "I've received a gentleman caller
>recently."

Could drop " once both were seated" since they both have been.

>     His name was Roan Shaftoe, son of Gary Shaftoe.

Nice name choice.

> So when Gary Shaftoe had a son, and Sam Tomlin had three
>daughters, they'd agreed their children would be wed.

Considering the period, should that be Gerald and Samuel?

>     The problem was the humongous bear just behind the redheaded boy.

Considering the period, perhaps 'gargantuan'?

>leaving the fallen hooped skirt behind.

Think that should be "_hoop_ skirt"

> In addition, this new girl had some sort of simplified cravat,
>a wide-brimmed hat, a coil of rope at one hip, not one but two
>pistols, and a pair of stone hatchets hanging just below, marked with
>eagle feathers bound to them.

By this point in history, stone would be very unusual. Metal tomahawks have been around as trade goods and were strongly preferred to stone.  Anything stone is probably an heirloom and elaborately carved,

>     Chantille blinked, looking at Roan, male again, but dazed,
>slack-jawed, and then Anne, who was certain if she was any more
>furious she'd come aflame.

Suggest dropping "was certain".

>   "Why?" Nancy asked, baffled.  "Aren't you German?"
>
>   "Austrian, actually," Rupert said, shaking his head.  "Regardless,
>our paths crossed in the war!"
>
>   Roan glanced at the man sidelong.  "I think I would have remembered you."
>
>   "You led a charge at the battle of Milan that cut my forces off,"
>Rupert said quietly.

In period Austrian was a major power and allied with Britain in the War of Spanish Succession.  Most of the German states were also on their side, with the exception of Bavaria and Cologne.  Since the latter name would cause confusion, I suggest Rupert being from Barvaria.

Thus I suggest:

>   "Why?" Nancy asked, baffled.  "Aren't you _Austrian_?"
>
>   "_Bavarian_, actually," Rupert said, shaking his head.  "Regardless,
>our paths crossed in the war!"


>I could not
>have left my friend behind without saving something for his family,
>and that was Esteban's cross.

Most people would assume a crucifix, not a cross emblazoned on a ring.  Suggest having Roan produce it and the describing it.

>     "Que?" the Spaniard growled managed, shaking his head, blinking
>at the ring.  His own eyes widened and he suddenly blushed, pain
>seemingly forgotten as she stared at the ring.  "Si!  Yes!"
>
>     "Oh," Nancy said softly, before she began to snicker.
>
>     Esteban seized the ring and put it on her hand, studying it for a
>moment before smiling broadly.  "Gracias, Roan!  Gracias!"

You sometimes refer to Esteban as 'she' and 'her' here. Suggest changing to 'he' and 'his' until Roan figures it out or having Esteban's shirt torn with Nancy noticing well before Roan  and Anne realize what has been revealed.


>          ------------------------------------
>     Author's notes:  Hmm, been sitting on this one for a few years.
>I think this is as far as it goes.  I found it mildly amusing, and I
>hope you did too. :)

Mildly amusing?  It was hilarious.