[Haruhi] Under Review

[Halbarad]

Since Hal forgot to mention it, there's another chapter out.

I quite enjoy this take on Haruhi.

I am bad about such things, it is true.

[Muphrid]

I spend most of the train trip home trying not too think about too much of anything - there's just too much to process right now, and too many people around to do it. It's a slow trip home; the rain let up while I was talking with Mikuru, but the clouds are still there and everything's still wet.

The repetition of still seems like it weakens both uses of the word.

I can't help but snort at that. 'Oh sure, Mom, I just found out that I've been hanging out with an alien and a time traveler for the last year and that they've both been keeping it secret from me for all that time.' Yeah, that's really something I expect you to take seriously.

Haruhi's bitterness I understand, but it feels a bit out of place.  I don't know why, though.

I do at least manage to get some sleep, but it's uneasy at best, full of nightmares - glowing giants locked in mortal combat with one another in a dead, grey world. I don't know where they come from, but I've had dreams like this on and off for years - usually when I'm angry or upset in some way.

Usually, I feel better after one of those dreams; watching the giants tear through the world around them, breaking down the old and worn-out to make way for the new and exciting - it's normally really invigorating!

Today, though, I feel... uneasy, but settled in a way - even though that doesn't really make sense.

This raises an interesting question:  if she's had these nightmares a lot and recognizes the giants, then shouldn't she have recognized them when she took Kyon into closed space with her at the end of Melancholy?

"I... sure," he says, obviously confused.

I tend to be cautious about saying that anything's obvious or apparent.  I think the point can be made directly, keeping the emphasis on Kyon's confusion and not that it's obvious.

Meh, maybe that doesn't matter as much as I think.

"We, um, did get more information yesterday," she offers, looking at me a bit worriedly. "Nanaka-chan's club isn't meeting this week - ah, that's Onoki Nanaka, she's in the tea ceremony club.

Inconsistency in honorifics.  Asahina's been basically "Mikuru" 99% of the time, but here "-chan" is used.

"Thanks for understanding." I give her a small smile myself. "Anyway, I'll leave you to your lunch - I'm not particularly hungry today, and... well. I doubt I'd be very good company at the moment."

I stand and give her a quick bow to excuse myself. "Thanks again for your help!"

I know I've done this before, breaking what one person says or does into multiple paragraphs because it seems like some pause is appropriate, but I'm not sure that's the case here.

"All right, all right, I'll be there," he says, trying to placate me.

It's apparent that he's placating her, though.

"Onoki-san, right?" I jump in before Sakanaka can reply. "I really appreciate the help - but we don't really have time to talk. Can you show us where you last saw Kyon and Koizumi?"

Okay, so I think I get what you're doing--generally you avoid honorifics in narrative but use them in dialogue.  Even so, that would be Koizumi-kun here, unless I've misunderstood your general method.


So, general remarks:  I like Haruhi's thought process, how she takes herself to task for what she's done and resolves to confront Kyon with her feelings.  She recognizes when she's being unfair and works to correct that.  At the risk of stating the obvious, though, it's all going to ride on Koizumi--on how he knows to abduct Kyon at this moment and why.

That's probably something you know, though, so we can just see how the next installment plays out.

[Halbarad]

Haruhi's bitterness I understand, but it feels a bit out of place.  I don't know why, though.

Hands up all in the room that got along well with their parents at 17. Haruhi's probably worse than average, too, given her history of getting into trouble.

This raises an interesting question:  if she's had these nightmares a lot and recognizes the giants, then shouldn't she have recognized them when she took Kyon into closed space with her at the end of Melancholy?

Are you certain she didn't?

Honorifics stuff

For the most part, I don't use honorifics for Haruhi in narrative, no. The exceptions you'll see are teachers, who she doesn't really have any other reference for anyway.

As for the inconsistency in usage, it's mainly for Haruhi herself. She's not particularly polite, so her usage of honorifics will tend to be all over the place - in the latter case you quote, she's specifically being rude and jumping in ahead of Sakanaka, plus she's in a hurry. She's also not particularly inclined to be polite about Koizumi in general right now, as she's definitely on the far side of enraged.

Koizumi's part will be addressed in the next chapter, although not by him directly - Kyon will be explaining for him, as he's understandably going to be a bit rattled after being sucker-punched by 'God'. There are other factors going on with him that have been hinted at a bit earlier in the story, too, but all of that will come out shortly.

[Halbarad]

Chapter 7 is up.

There'll be a short epilogue to tie up a few loose ends, but this is pretty much the final chapter. Hope folks have enjoyed!

[sarsaparilla]

Hope folks have enjoyed!

And how much...

I guess that I've already mentioned it but it started inconspicuously enough that I didn't even pay much attention to it until around the time chapter three was up. After that every chapter has managed to top all the previous ones and this last one ... oh my, this last one. When I had finished reading it I realized that I was grinning like an idiot and just couldn't stop. Perfection. I'm thankful for the chance of reading it, and deeply humbled in my hope to someday reach that level of writing.

[Arakawa]

To agree with sarsaparilla, and echo a phrase my old English teacher used way too much: it's beautiful.

My one quibble with the way it comes together as a whole is that it didn't feel like a final chapter, because your big payoff ends with Kyon and Haruhi arranging a date, while leaving the whole question of Haruhi's powers sort of hanging in midair. Like a piece of music that cuts off abruptly with a main theme unresolved.

I think "Haruhi has more concern for petty (well, actually pretty important) Brigade member stuff than exploring the universe with or without her powers" is going to end up being my pet peeve, since it's taking away the one positive trait she had right from the very start and didn't need to develop. It's especially egregious when she's made aware of things. It can certainly be done - in fact, my more recent Unusual Suspects / Two Hypotheses snippet actually ends up using it as the apparent justification for Haruhi's complete obliviousness, though I'm still dissatisfied with how that works right now - but I don't like it that a number of fics I've read recently have sort of shoved this idea at me and expected me to take it for granted. I first noticed it and got annoyed by it in New Game Plus (now Brian claims there was a reason for it that I guess he didn't do a good enough job of hinting at), but that was crack and this is serious. sars' Kyonko fic actually ended up using the fact that Haruki was un-curious to increase the squick level, and so that sealed the notion for me that I should be annoyed by this stuff.

If I redid this chapter, I'd have Kyon and Haruhi arrive at something more like the theme that's implicit in sars' outline for an Italy fic: they agree that they certainly want to date, but the question of their romance can't be satisfactorily resolved unless they also resolve the question of Haruhi's powers. They could just acknowledge that and the fic would end on a bit of a stronger note IMHO.

I was honestly expecting you to do that  right up until my eyes hit the bottom of the screen. Then I thought: oh, you're going to address it in the next chapter. Then you said there is no next chapter.

I guess I'll wait and see what the epilogue looks like.

I remember seeing a couple of nasty typos, but sadly I'm too busy to do a full C&C.

I think I need to disappear from this forum for a few days to let some more ideas stew in my head in peace and quiet.

[Brian]

Chapter 7 is up.

There'll be a short epilogue to tie up a few loose ends, but this is pretty much the final chapter. Hope folks have enjoyed!

I'll have to look through it to see if anything is different or pops out at me, but like I said before, I think it's pretty awesome. :p

My one quibble with the way it comes together as a whole is that it didn't feel like a final chapter, because your big payoff ends with Kyon and Haruhi arranging a date, while leaving the whole question of Haruhi's powers sort of hanging in midair. Like a piece of music that cuts off abruptly with a main theme unresolved.

Hmm ... considering Haruhi's powers were never really the focus of this story until that point, I don't actually see that as a major issue.  It's not the responsibility of every fanfic to close up every hanging plot-thread (I'm looking at you, Ranma 1/2 Pair The Spares syndrome!).

I think "Haruhi has more concern for petty (well, actually pretty important) Brigade member stuff than exploring the universe with or without her powers" is going to end up being my pet peeve, since it's taking away the one positive trait she had right from the very start and didn't need to develop. It's especially egregious when she's made aware of things. It can certainly be done - in fact, my more recent Unusual Suspects / Two Hypotheses snippet actually ends up using it as the apparent justification for Haruhi's complete obliviousness, though I'm still dissatisfied with how that works right now - but I don't like it that a number of fics I've read recently have sort of shoved this idea at me and expected me to take it for granted. I first noticed it and got annoyed by it in New Game Plus (now Brian claims there was a reason for it that I guess he didn't do a good enough job of hinting at), but that was crack and this is serious. sars' Kyonko fic actually ended up using the fact that Haruki was un-curious to increase the squick level, and so that sealed the notion for me that I should be annoyed by this stuff.

I think you're jumping the gun a little by inferring that conclusion based on the contents of this fic.  I got the sense instead that Haruhi has just gone through some major revelations, and while she believes Kyon, that's a lot to deal with -- there's something in front of her she can get a handle on right then and there, and it was what she was focused on for the entire story until that point.  Really, I took it as Haruhi accepting what Kyon said and just deferring it because she's tackling bigger issues.

Well, I guess in retrospect, she did wonder what she herself was when the reviews began.  However, the story as I took it was about Haruhi uncovering the truth of the others (and Kyon) on her own; discovering her powers was part of the payoff, not the focus of the tale.

If I redid this chapter, I'd have Kyon and Haruhi arrive at something more like the theme that's implicit in sars' outline for an Italy fic: they agree that they certainly want to date, but the question of their romance can't be satisfactorily resolved unless they also resolve the question of Haruhi's powers. They could just acknowledge that and the fic would end on a bit of a stronger note IMHO.

...I hadn't read Sarsaparilla's new fic yet.

[Halbarad]

Hmm ... considering Haruhi's powers were never really the focus of this story until that point, I don't actually see that as a major issue.  It's not the responsibility of every fanfic to close up every hanging plot-thread (I'm looking at you, Ranma 1/2 Pair The Spares syndrome!).

That's... really the case here. My focus wasn't on the supernatural powers and abilities of the brigade, it was more on Haruhi learning more about who the members of her brigade really -are-, including herself. This is more about learning about who they are as people than learning what kind of fantastic things they can do, although there's certainly an element of the latter.

I think "Haruhi has more concern for petty (well, actually pretty important) Brigade member stuff than exploring the universe with or without her powers" is going to end up being my pet peeve, since it's taking away the one positive trait she had right from the very start and didn't need to develop. It's especially egregious when she's made aware of things. It can certainly be done - in fact, my more recent Unusual Suspects / Two Hypotheses snippet actually ends up using it as the apparent justification for Haruhi's complete obliviousness, though I'm still dissatisfied with how that works right now - but I don't like it that a number of fics I've read recently have sort of shoved this idea at me and expected me to take it for granted. I first noticed it and got annoyed by it in New Game Plus (now Brian claims there was a reason for it that I guess he didn't do a good enough job of hinting at), but that was crack and this is serious. sars' Kyonko fic actually ended up using the fact that Haruki was un-curious to increase the squick level, and so that sealed the notion for me that I should be annoyed by this stuff.

I think you're jumping the gun a little by inferring that conclusion based on the contents of this fic.  I got the sense instead that Haruhi has just gone through some major revelations, and while she believes Kyon, that's a lot to deal with -- there's something in front of her she can get a handle on right then and there, and it was what she was focused on for the entire story until that point.  Really, I took it as Haruhi accepting what Kyon said and just deferring it because she's tackling bigger issues.

Well, I guess in retrospect, she did wonder what she herself was when the reviews began.  However, the story as I took it was about Haruhi uncovering the truth of the others (and Kyon) on her own; discovering her powers was part of the payoff, not the focus of the tale.

That's... kind of the point here. We already know that Haruhi is obsessed with the idea of non-normal humans (or has been; over the course of the novels that drive dies back significantly); what's the point of hammering in a point that the reader should already be familiar with? A lot of Haruhi's growth in the novels involves her discovering the fact that regular people can be interesting too; witness her friendship with Sakanaka as an example of that. This is just extending that into the relationships she's had around her in the Brigade and actually taking a hard look at what's she's taken for granted up until now.

[Arakawa]

Okay, not to leave my snarky response hanging until next Sunday or whatever, I guess that mine is very much a dissenting opinion.

I knew about Haruhi's curiosity of the unknown, and I get and seriously respect the fact that these characters have put off dealing with it until later, in favour of solving the actual human dimensions of their situation. But it doesn't feel like they've even paused to acknowledge that there is a huge elephant in the room that they're putting off. It's like "hello? elephant? aren't you going to at least put it on your Someday/Maybe list next to 'finally clean out the attic'?"

It's just that I keep running into fics - yours included - that feel to me like there's this huge tag that instructs me to stop and

{INSERT OBVIOUS, OFFSCREEN ACTUAL REACTION BY HARUHI TO FINDING OUT X, Y, Z}

appearing at least once in the story.

Personal opinion is still that there's quite a gap from completely failing to incorporate a character trait that, yes, is completely irrelevant to the point of your story; and to 'hammering it in'.

It's still an awesome story and everything *before* that point raised absolutely no weird questions.

[Jason_Miao]

He doubletakes at that. "I- wait, you would have wanted me to? You seemed pretty clear with your stance on romance!"

Touch.

Touche (which refers to scoring a hit in fencing, and by analogy, a scoring a hit in one's argument).

[Halbarad]

And complete!

[Brian]

Yep, still liked it; nothing much to say here that I haven't already told you. :)

[Anastasia]

Read this a few days ago. I liked it on the whole, about an 8/10 or so? My only complaint is about her powers. For being such a big deal in series, the actual use and control of them take a backseat to everything else. It's a bit jarring; at the same time, I think I'm also in a mood for a good fic that focuses on them. This may not be a flaw as much as just my mood when I read it.

[Halbarad]

Read this a few days ago. I liked it on the whole, about an 8/10 or so? My only complaint is about her powers. For being such a big deal in series, the actual use and control of them take a backseat to everything else. It's a bit jarring; at the same time, I think I'm also in a mood for a good fic that focuses on them. This may not be a flaw as much as just my mood when I read it.

Part of that is due to the time setting. I know you haven't read the novels, but later in them Haruhi's use of her powers drops back to almost nothing - maybe some tweaking of probability, but not a lot more than that.

[sarsaparilla]

I must say that I had been following this story with ever increasing anticipation, but then suddenly the epilogue made me feel confused and anxious. To me, Haruhi's thoughts about Kyon's and Mikuru's relationship felt just as OOC -- and disturbing -- as if Kyon had started to think that now that he's dating Haruhi he should share her with Koizumi, too. Besides that it goes against everything established in the canon, it feels just wrong on so many levels. I don't know which makes me more anxious, the way it is presented in the story, or that I seem to be the only one bothered by it.

So, I'm feeling confused and depressed. Is there something fundamental that I have missed?