[Dark][Haruhi (gender-flip AU)] Kyonko Doesn't Want to Play Today

[sarsaparilla]

Warning: please read through this entire post before deciding whether you want to proceed to the actual story!

Title: Kyonko Doesn't Want to Play Today
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Horror
Rating: M
Synopsis: A darkfic in a gender-flipped alternate universe. Kyonko is having a really bad day and it gets worse from there. Rated M for implied mind rape, reader discretion advised.

Set around the events of book 1 of the original series.

In order to make this piece of dark fiction readable (though not enjoyable, it is too nasty for that) I must explain where it came from. Against my own better judgement I started to read a Seitenkan (gender-flip) Haruhi fanfic and got squicked so badly that I spent two hours pacing around my apartment, too agitated to stay still. I couldn't calm down before I took the squick and wrote it down, turned up to eleven as the logical extreme, and thus this nasty, rage-inducing and absolutely depressing (I have an unintentional tendency of writing depressing stuff when I try otherwise - here's what happens when I get serious about it) piece of horror was born. It is a reaction to those fictions that portray the characters in a completely unsympathetic manner and still (presumably?) expect the reader to care for them, and especially a commentary to the gender-flipped universe in general. A sociopathic Haruhi makes me feel uneasy but a sociopathic Haruki makes me want to grab a kitchen knife.

Thus, the question that this work asks is: If a complete monster with a boundless imagination is given divine powers and a carte blanche to do what he wants, how badly can he hurt another person? The answer is, unsurprisingly, "beyond any imagination". A downer ending is pretty much guaranteed.

I must point out that the horror in the story (or rather a vignette, as it falls a bit short of 3k words) grows organically from the basic premises of the universe, but it is so intensely dark that I can't even think of casting the original characters in it (as the only even marginally sympathetic character here is Kyonko) - having the gender-flipped ones act it out provides some amount of protection against accidental spreading of the squick beyond the boundaries of this work.

Now that I've gotten that nightmare out of my system I realized that I'm depressed by a surprising issue. Ever since I started to write Haruhi fiction I've had great difficulties in trying to portray Kyon, and even where I manage to simulate his mannerisms it's still an external effort, but when I picked up the mask of Kyonko it just connected. It was like a minor epiphany, and now I'm feeling bad because I must absolutely stay away from the gender-flip universe to keep my own mental health intact.

So, if you think that you can take this piece of work for what it is, an intentional feel-bad attack piece and a deconstruction of unsympathetic Haru(ki/hi) fiction, then I'd be grateful for any (and I mean any) CC before I release it in the wild.

Edit: now that I re-read the piece after calming down a bit I can see an obvious weak point in it. The crucial event (the Asakura incident) that redirected the universe into this state, and the immediate consequences of that event, are only cursorily mentioned at the end of the story, which kind of leaves the whole work hanging in the air. There is a completely plausible path from there to here but I left it out it because it wasn't the central motif of the work, but now I think that I should expand it to show just how and why one arrives at the setting of the story (that, and I realized that I forgot to include one hallmark claim of an abusive sociopath: "it is all your fault"). While the change will make the work more substantiated, it will not make it any nicer. Nothing can.

[Arakawa]

Oof, an omnipotent dom... I hear you can find some of those in Roppongi if you ask around the right places... well, let's try and take this seriously..

I open my eyes and realize that I am lying on my back on the pavement of the school yard. There is a crowd of students gathering around me but they stay at a safe distance from the scene as if my condition was somehow contagious.

Awkward 'gathering around'. Suggestions:

• There is a crowd of students gathered around me but they stay...
• A crowd of students has gathered around me, but they stay...

I can hear somebody calling for an ambulance, then somebody other saying that they thought that I was dead until I opened my eyes.

Awkward 'somebody other'. Perhaps 'someone else'?

Kyonko, Kyonko, Kyonko!

This was alright until I stopped to reread it. I can't actually imagine someone saying 'Kyonko' three times fast. Even if they're a malevolent omnipotent Haruhi-shaped entity.

I can feel how my ear canals suddenly fill with blood that seeps through the fractures in my skull.

Perhaps just 'I can feel my ear canals ...'?

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruki stands up and turns around to give the impromptu audience one of his sparkling smiles. I can hear how some female students get all hot and flustered at this show of attention by the most charismatic and physically attractive boy in the whole school. [&c &c, this standing around the recently-shattered body of one of their classmates]

"I can't understand your stubborn disobedience. We both know that I've been blessed with divine power which means that whatever I do is an act of God and thus right by definition. [&c &c]"

This is probably the most intentionally cardboard part of the fic; not sure if that's a good thing or not. Isn't anyone going to be just a little concerned about the unholy menace that is running around their school? Is Haruki casting Irresistible Glamour on everyone? Are bystanders who complain sent to the cornfield or something? I assume this nonsense comes from whatever bad fanfiction you were reading and not canon. I can see book1!Haruhi being called 'difficult to ignore', but "charismatic"?

It's not squicky so much as an awfully stupid scene.

"Actually, that's exactly why I'm so lenient with you. You're just crying for my attention all the time and that's really sweet, but you do it in this messed up way of yours. Say, the next time when you want to be with me, just buy me some nice gift. If you don't know what to buy then I can give you a list of eroge games that I haven't played yet, and if the game doesn't live up to my high standards then I can always play with you. I'm certain that it would be much more fun for both of us than this endless carnage!"

This paragraph actually undoes some of the earlier cardboardness. Not sure why; but it rings a bit true to real-life sadomasochism.

Why would I? This is the only way in which I can defy him, at least for a short moment at a time.

Awkward 'for a short moment at a time'. Perhaps 'this is the only way in which I can defy him, one short moment at a time.'

It may just as well be the case that my explanation was completely nonsensical to Nagato because alien interfaces have a rather incomplete understanding of the human mind. Maybe Asakura was just lucky when his ill-conceived plan didn't misfire but instead proved out to be a smashing success, at least for him and Haruki? After Asakura had slain me with his katana Haruki wished me back from the dead, and not only did it make him aware of his powers, but he found out that he actually liked it because it made me permanently dependable on him.

Opportunity to shorten: "It may just as well be the case..." to "It may well be the case...". Don't see what the extra 'just as' adds to the flow...

Suggest inserting a comma: "nonsensical to Nagato, because alien interfaces have a rather incomplete understanding..."

Awkward "proved out to be". Either "turned out to be" or "proved to be".

Did Asakura use a katana in canon? The translation I have just says 'knife', and the anime showed, I think, just an ugly-as-** serrated knife thing that certainly wasn't a katana. (Assuming you're not going all Gratuitous Japanese on us; 'katana' is a bit more of a specific term in English than in Japanese.)

That's more or less all the comb-through I'm willing to give this.

Given the content, I'm surprised to say it wasn't particularly squicky or RAEG-inducing. I opened it up, it was exactly as horrible as you warned, I read it and went sort of "oof" and that was that. Whatever source inspired you to write it was probably more awful for taking itself seriously and giving absolutely no warning that the author was going to be a moral midget today.

I'm not sure if there's any point in putting more work into this fic. If I wanted to play for maximum mental whiplash, I'd restructure it to ease into the squick gradually:

Spoiler: ShowHide

• {third person} Haruki can't find Kyonko, is looking around the school. Nothing particularly squicky or off so far, reader goes 'hmm, is it really as bad as the author warned'?
• {third person} Kyonko is standing on the roof, preparing to jump off. First sign things are wrong: Haruki isn't as shocked by this as you'd expect him to be.
• Mood whiplash: Kyonko contemplates {first person} the various uses of bleach or whatever, then jumps off with Haruki watching.
• Parade of awfulness proceeds more or less as before.

Then again, 'maximum mental whiplash' isn't necessarily a good thing to go for *shrug*. I'm a bit more concerned that you seem to *want* to write Kyonko but are turned off from doing so by the fact that she inhabits mostly awful wastelands of fanfiction depravity. Then again, I can't really think of a good reason to use Kyonko for anything. What exactly were you considering to write that you can't bring yourself to?

[sarsaparilla]

Thanks for the detailed comments, I'll work them into the revised version (as I realized that I'll have to add some other things as well).

Did Asakura use a katana in canon?

Ryuoko Asakura (F) of the canon continuum uses a combat knife.
Ryou Asakura (M) of Seitenkan (fanfic AU, of which this work is a commentary) uses a katana.

Concerning the last question, no, I don't have anything particular that I want to write from Kyonko's perspective, I'm just lamenting my inability to jump the gender barrier for certain personality types (at least in a way that feels comfortable), so despite the fact that Kyon and Kyonko share more or less the same personality, I feel perpetually awkward when playing the first (that I actually want to play) and the second, of which I am not particularly interested, just clicks.

[Arakawa]

Concerning the last question, no, I don't have anything particular that I want to write from Kyonko's perspective, I'm just lamenting my inability to jump the gender barrier for certain personality types (at least in a way that feels comfortable), so despite the fact that Kyon and Kyonko share more or less the same personality, I feel perpetually awkward when playing the first (that I actually want to play) and the second, of which I am not particularly interested, just clicks.

Ah, sorry. It seems I understood things slightly backwards from the actual situation. Thanks for clarifying.

I found the original gender-flip story and man is it pointless :-/P

[Brian]

It is a reaction to those fictions that portray the characters in a completely unsympathetic manner and still (presumably?) expect the reader to care for them, and especially a commentary to the gender-flipped universe in general. A sociopathic Haruhi makes me feel uneasy but a sociopathic Haruki makes me want to grab a kitchen knife.

On the one hand, this is a bit of a double-standard.  On the other hand, I agree with you completely and wholeheartedly.

I don't particularly enjoy the implications that logically follow; for Haruhi to be acceptable, then evidently Rape Is Okay If It's Female on Male (which it should not be), especially if Haruki is not acceptable.

Those unfortunate implications aside, my view of the genderflipped universe is that it has always been innately grim because of that.  I never really understood the appeal, and where Kyon is generally 'average' and tolerant, Kyonko somehow feels inherently like more of a downtrodden victim.

I expect that part, at least, says more about me than anything else, though. :\

Thus, the question that this work asks is: If a complete monster with a boundless imagination is given divine powers and a carte blanche to do what he wants, how badly can he hurt another person? The answer is, unsurprisingly, "beyond any imagination". A downer ending is pretty much guaranteed.

I must point out that the horror in the story (or rather a vignette, as it falls a bit short of 3k words) grows organically from the basic premises of the universe, but it is so intensely dark that I can't even think of casting the original characters in it (as the only even marginally sympathetic character here is Kyonko) - having the gender-flipped ones act it out provides some amount of protection against accidental spreading of the squick beyond the boundaries of this work.

For what it's worth, I saw 'dark' and the title, and immediately (and correctly) guessed the outline you explain here.  I'm sure the specifics will differ, but it seems we generally have similar impressions....

The unfortunate implications may still be there all the same.  I don't think we want to embrace it, per-se, but awareness lets you write from a more informed point, so I understand the goal of this exercise (I think).

Now that I've gotten that nightmare out of my system I realized that I'm depressed by a surprising issue. Ever since I started to write Haruhi fiction I've had great difficulties in trying to portray Kyon, and even where I manage to simulate his mannerisms it's still an external effort, but when I picked up the mask of Kyonko it just connected. It was like a minor epiphany, and now I'm feeling bad because I must absolutely stay away from the gender-flip universe to keep my own mental health intact.

I won't say you should pursue it if it's unpleasant for you.  However, I think (even before reading) that ... in a way, the mirror of 'Kyonko' to examine 'Kyon' can be valid.

As far as 'getting' Kyonko, well ... there really isn't a canon Kyonko, unlike Kyon -- just a 'generally agreed upon' Kyonko.  So that does give you more freedom, even if you adhere to the 'generally agreed upon' points.  At the risk of being preachy or (more likely) way too analytical:

Beyond that, Kyonko is a somewhat hyperbolic inversion of Kyon; you're saying that if Kyon were changed in a way to be more exaggerated version of himself he'd be easier to understand.  Admittedly, for contrast, pretty much all of Kyon's other social factors are also inverted.  To a degree, this basically takes the existing premises of the story and stretches them apart so that the scale of everything is changed -- which makes it much clearer (if still exaggerated).

So, yes, unfortunate implications that are undeniably linked to the main series, no matter how unpleasant they are.  I like to tell myself, it's an exaggeration, not the way things are; a hyperbolic comparison, as it were.

Anyway.  This was another of my lengthy digressions.  The positive takeaway from this is: You're looking at how things could be, not how they have to be.  That understanding of what you don't like about it can still grant a better insight.  I guess, what I'm trying to say is, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger?

Yeah, I'm reaching.... Well, anyway -- I understand quite well how it is to struggle with a character that you want to like, but isn't consistently portrayed in a way that makes it easy to do.

So, if you think that you can take this piece of work for what it is, an intentional feel-bad attack piece and a deconstruction of unsympathetic Haru(ki/hi) fiction, then I'd be grateful for any (and I mean any) CC before I release it in the wild.

And so, here goes:

Spoiler: ShowHide

...and if you feel good after reading it then I don't really want to know that either.

It's probably wrong that, forarmed, forwarned, and expecting the worst from this story ... that line made me smirk. >_>;;

Slashing my wrists causes enough physical discomfort that my body has learned to abhor it and fights back until there are enough cuts to finish the job and the merciful stupor sets in. However, it requires more determination on every round and I have almost completely stopped doing it except for those days when I am too upset to even notice the blade.

Well, that amusement didn't last long. o_O

I think this first sentence scans a bit awkwardly, because it has no commas and two instances of 'and'.  I think I would go with a disjointed approach for the structure anyway, since it's the final clause that feels like an aside.  Unfortunately, I usually use em-dash for suggetsions so bear with me:

finish the job and the merciful -to- finish the job -- and the merciful

For the second sentence, 'it requires more determination on every round' is a parenthetical aside; it's missing the second comma:

round and -- round, and  (Alternatively, you can also restate by replacing that comma with a semi-colon.

Aha, this isn't just what I thought it was, it's Endless Eight, too, isn't it?

Drugs and household chemicals are easy to swallow but they make me really, really sick before the end. I have to be particularly desperate to actually want that and it is never quite as good an idea after the fact as it felt just a moment before. I think that I haven't died in the last two weeks or thereabouts by vomiting my guts on the bathroom floor.

swallow but -- swallow, but

I would suggest 'resort to that' instead of 'want that', here.  Actually, that whole second sentence is a bit awkward (though, this is uncomfortable subject matter for most people, so I can entirely understand).  Aside from my earlier suggestion, 'it is never quite as good an idea after the fact as it felt just a moment before' ... I'm not sure, but that somehow feels a bit too delicate as far as Kyonko is presenting things, contrasted to the rest.  Maybe something along the lines of, "and afterwards, it's easy to regret it while waiting for the effects to actually be lethal.  It's amazing how much discomfort you can endure before it actually kills you."  Etc.

The final sentence ... I am probably just being nitpicky at this point.  I'm not sure, but I think you're aiming for a jaded, bitter Kyonko?  I think that the wording is a bit stilted and formal.  Probably, I'm overthinking this one.

A handgun would be the ideal solution, except for the fact that I can't hope to get my hands on one. Still, the prospect of making him see the resulting mess, even for a short moment, is so beguiling. Maybe one day...

A girl can dream, eh?

Just ... wow.

Hanging is a decent alternative once one learns the basics. After a couple of very painful experiments that ended in slow suffocation I found out that the proper drop distance depends on body mass and because my room is not high enough I must tie extra weight to my body to ensure that the neck snaps cleanly. Even then, it is a bit contrived way to go, and when I do it at home there's the unfortunate side effect that my poor little brother is usually the one who finds the body.

I'm not positive but I think 'a bit contrived way' should be 'a bit of a contrived way'

But jumping from a bridge or from the roof of a building, just as I am doing right now, doesn't have any of those disadvantages. It may be only for a fleeting moment that I feel like I could fly, that I am free as a bird, but these moments are what I live for. And quite obviously, die for as well.

Well.  That was a strong opening.

I'll leave off more until I finish reading, but so far, I believe you've captured the essence of 'Kyon' in 'Kyonko'.

I open my eyes and realize that I am lying on my back on the pavement of the school yard. There is a crowd of students gathering around me but they stay at a safe distance from the scene as if my condition was somehow contagious. I can hear somebody calling for an ambulance, then somebody other saying that they thought that I was dead until I opened my eyes. Well, here's a newsflash for you, little miss detective: I was happily dead just a moment ago and the reason for the regrettable change in my circumstances is squatting casually in front of me.

condition was somehow -- condition were somehow

I'm unable to turn my head away when Haruki casually strokes my cheek with the back of his hand, feigning affection.

I wonder if Haruki really does just regard Kyonko as a toy, or if that's just how Kyonko feels about it?

"What do you say, maybe I should leave you paraplegic again? Would that keep you away from trouble this time? Besides, you're so cute in the wheelchair and Itsuko loves company that doesn't run away from her lectures. You should really listen to her more and learn to be as keen to fulfill your superior's desires as she is. As you know, I only have your own best interest in mind."

...that answers that question.

I can hardly hear his words from behind the red veil of pain and my body starts to shake uncontrollably. I'm probably having a seizure.

pain and my -- pain, and my (or:) pain; my

She probably guesses she's having a seizure, but from experience, she's just going into shock; you don't recall seizures much when you're going into them (or coming out).  Just a weird gap in your memory after the fact.  Or, if it's only the physical part, she's just going into convlusions.

Ah, this was pointless of me; it's perfectly accurate for Kyonko to believe it's a seizure.

Haruki stands up and turns around to give the impromptu audience one of his sparkling smiles. I can hear how some female students get all hot and flustered at this show of attention by the most charismatic and physically attractive boy in the whole school. Well, I can't say that I was immune to his charms either, at least until I saw what hides just beneath the glamorous appearance. I'm still lying in the dirt but the crowd disperses as if nothing had happened. Well, right now it had not happened to them any more. Haruki looks back at me and frowns.

Two of the final three sentences begin with 'well,' (this is something I frequently do, too).  Probably, would be best to revise one for variety.

"I can't understand your stubborn disobedience. We both know that I've been blessed with divine power which means that whatever I do is an act of God and thus right by definition. That also makes anything that you do against my will wrong by the same definition. The fact is so obvious that even somebody as stupid as you should be able to grasp it! Thus, you should be grateful for me that I'm exceedingly patient and merciful despite your incessant disrespect. Your reckless behavior would bring dishonor to the entire brigade if I didn't keep fixing the mess that you make, but I'm growing weary of it. It just won't do in the long run!"

act of God and -- act of God, and (I think)

I don't say anything and he doesn't really expect me to. Everything has been said many times over already, but he just loves to hear his own voice.

Yeah ... I can see mild dislike souring into real despite....  Oog.

"And you know fully well why I deserve to be the leader! I could make you obey me with a snap of my fingers and you'd crawl in front of me begging for my magic touch, moaning like Itsuko when I pet her, instead of retching in disgust as you do. Think about it. With just a simple gesture I can give you unimaginable pleasure! Every other girl around here would be ready to kill for a chance to experience it, but you keep killing yourself to avoid it. What's wrong with you?"

Hmm.  Not sure about that first line -- about him deserving to be the leader.  It seems somehow lacking in context ... though I think I get the idea.  Maybe it should be a bit the other way around; him being the leader justifies his power?

It's not a very good argument, but the only person (really) who needs to believe it is Haruki.

One of his most horrifying recent ideas, the "magic touch" isn't a hyperbole. I know it because he tried it on me once when I was careless. It was an experience even more intense than a high voltage electrocution, but instead of a mind-shattering pain it was a mind-shattering pleasure that temporarily reduced me to a quivering blob without a will of my own. Still, that wasn't the worst part of it. Like a drug addict, my body was left in a permanent state of insatiable hunger for more, and because of that I hate him and I hate my treacherous body that cries for his touch in the middle of the night, and when the craving becomes unbearable I drink bleach. He may have gotten my body but he'll never get my mind, and since I know that he won't be satisfied by anything less than my complete surrender, this tug of war will continue.

Ah.  Okay, wow -- now I see it.  That's ... just about the squickiest thing imaginable to me, yeah.  Theft of will on a grand scale.  *shivers*

Oh, I'd love to get intimate with you, Haruki! Preferably with a kitchen knife, but since I know that I don't have any realistic chance of actually doing that, killing myself is the next best option. Of course I don't say this to him. Besides that it isn't necessary in order to convey my feelings for him, I know that the silence bothers him more than anything that I could possibly say. I can see that he's annoyed right now.

I think the final sentence may deserve to be broken out into its own paragraph for impact; it also doesn't quite as neatly tie to the rest of the sentences in that pagraph.  Generally, most of them are insight, followed by a direct external observation.  They do connect, but spacing it out might make the delivery a bit smoother?

Could just be me; I probably encouraging breaking text up too much, just because 'space concerns' aren't a real factor on the internet. :)

"Anyway, this was an unwelcome distraction. I've got much more important things to do and I had to put them on hold just because you decided to make a number out of yourself again."

Make a 'number'?  I'm not sure I follow....  As in 'statistic'?

After he has disappeared inside the building I finally stand up, feeling the usual post-mortem depression. My hair is a mess and my clothes are torn and dirty, and the perpetual harshness of my plight makes my guts turn into a tight knot as I try to remember where I left my shoes before the jump. That is when I notice a tall figure standing under a tree, holding a pair of shoes in his hand.

Suggest: post-mortem --> post-revival/post-ressurection (?)

"That was number six hundred twenty-seven."

I think you want to hyphenate all or none of the number words.  Either 'six-hundred-twenty-seven' or 'six hundred twenty seven'.

"You are not going to stop?"

Not sure why Nagato would ask this ... I'd expect he'd have figured it out by now.  Or maybe the question is, 'You won't try an alternative?'  Then again, there may not ... be an alternative.

It's so typical of him that my first suicide hurt his pride and he thought something along the lines of "if you want to kill yourself rather than to be with somebody as awesome as me then let's see how long you can keep doing that before you come back begging for mercy". So, unless I kiss his feet and apologize for everything that I've ever done I'll be forced to kill myself in an endless loop where my only real choice is the particular method of suicide. But it also means that I've already won. If he removed the curse and just forced me to apologize it would mean that he'd also have to admit defeat when it comes to his own ultimatum, and that is an unthinkable proposition for him. His absolute confidence in his own irresistible superiority is the weakness that I'm turning against him, and that's why my heart jumps with joy every time when solid ground disappears from under my feet.

This very much hearkens back to discussions with Mr. Simons about the classic Greek tragedies, and the heroic resolve of the doomed mortals that dared to oppose the gods.

You've captured that expertly.

Kyonko's analysis seems about right, as this Haruki seems wholly incapable of admitting any faults (and he's aware of his powers, so that's ... really not going to get better).

Since it's not proper dialogue, I think you only want single quotes on the quotation?

It may just as well be the case that my explanation was completely nonsensical to Nagato because alien interfaces have a rather incomplete understanding of the human mind. Maybe Asakura was just lucky when his ill-conceived plan didn't misfire but instead proved out to be a smashing success, at least for him and Haruki? After Asakura had slain me with his katana Haruki wished me back from the dead, and not only did it make him aware of his powers, but he found out that he actually liked it because it made me permanently dependable on him. How many lives was it again that I supposedly owe to Haruki by now? Over six hundred? No wonder that Asakura has been looking so smug ever since Haruki made him the vice president of the brigade and demoted Itsuko to his personal bitch, not that it made any noticeable difference in Itsuko's status anyway. I've also understood that Asakura's feat impressed the IDSE so much that he's now their primary representative and Nagato is just a backup unit.

dependable -- dependent (the former is one who can be depended upon; the latter is one who depends on another)

I would start a new paragraph at 'No wonder' here.

Also ... not sure ... why Haruki would be so forgiving of Asakura after witnessing that.  It does make Haruki looks more monstrous, but I don't know that this story really needs that.  I guess to justify Nagato not doing more to help Kyonko?

The snark about Itsuko (aside; I would use 'Itsuki' for Koizumi as a girl, anyway; the kanji can be written as 'princess' without changing the name at all) is almost a complete sentence.  I would separate it out for impact (not into a new paragraph, since Itsuko/i's not central enough to this premise to warrant that much focus) like so:

personal bitch, not that -- personal bitch.  Not that

And then add a comma before the 'anyway'.

I look across the barren yard before heading back to my class. I didn't tell it to Nagato but there's another, even more important reason which gives me strength to carry my burden. I know Haruki better than he knows himself and there is one crucial factor that he has overlooked. He gets easily bored, and he's eventually bound to get bored at raising me from the dead time after time, and because he can't admit defeat he'll just pretend that none of this ever happened. And on that day, I will finally be free.

Assuming he doesn't instead turn to anger and weak justifications.  Still, then Kyonko would be spared the false illusions of it being anything other than hell.

bored at raising -- bored of raising

My tired suggestion of breaking that last sentence out into its own paragraph for impact goes here. ;)

"Such a minor problem as you is, quite frankly, beneath the class of our leader, and thus he has given me the power to solve this issue for him. He doesn't want to know the details, just that the job gets done, and I'm only too happy to oblige. So, how about adjusting that sassy attitude of yours a bit?"

So, amazingly, as dark as you warned that this was going to get, every time I think I've adjusted to the horror, you reveal another, even more terrifying layer.

At the risk of sounding very repetetive: Wow.

I'm almost afraid to continue.

He moves his hand to my temple, still laughing.

"Don't worry, I am not an unreasonable person. It will be perfect. You are going to obey and love it."

Right; that's about the perfect place to end it.

Now, I'll take a bit to reply while I gather my thoughts, since I often give knee-jerk reactions that aren't well considered.  In the meantime, I'll be huddled in a corner trembling in terror about something totally unrelated.  ^_^

Author's Notes: I got squicked pretty badly by reading a gender-flipped Haruhi fic so I felt compelled to pass the feeling around. Sudden fits of uncontrollable rage are an intended side effect of reading this story. Actually it's too bad that I must stay categorically away from the whole flip concept, considering that I feel more comfortable while wearing the mask of Kyonko than that of Kyon.

I won't say I enjoyed it, because it wasn't a 'fun' story.  But I also can't say I agree that it's really just a 'feel-bad' fic.  Yeah, it does accomplish that, but it's not pointlessly; you're showing the (maybe fridge?) horror of the situation that a lot of people gloss over.  And (personally) even if it's something of a hyperbolic comparison to the original (considering that the genderflip is itself, a derivitive work), I think it works.

I ... what's the word....  I think I can say I appreciated this story, even if I didn't enjoy it?  I feel like I understood and agreed with the premise?

You can either look at the story as fanfiction of fanfiction, or fanfiction of the original, but I think the former more applies.  In regard to that, at worst your story could be considered a 'Take That!' to the genderflipping concept in general.  I could see fans of (ugh; *goes to research loanword*)Seitenkan being offended, and that might be valid.  And the implied downer ending is unavoidably a downer, but also brilliant and well handled from a horror perspective, by setting such a tone and then leaving the reader to fill in that final gap.

I hope you aren't offended if I say that this story is brilliantly written and excellently explores the chosen concept, even if it is squicky and dark!

But to me, the story does serve a point, and it's not just grim to make the reader feel bad.  More importantly, the length felt about perfect for what you were trying to do; you established your point and delivered your concept.  It's not like it was a lengthy bash, or padded out with extra, pointless things; pretty much everything there was relevant.  So, that's actually my personal positive takeaway from this. 

Somewhat more objectively: Kyon does some things that are also difficult to defend (mostly through inaction) throughout the series.  It seems justifiable not to hold the inversions of those instances against him at a glance, too.  In canon, I have to admit that as much as I like Kyon, it's really not a moral strength that he pretty much doesn't react to Haruhi's molestation of Mikuru/the computer club scandal (and he even took the pictures for that part) -- and doesn't really even do much to veto or counter Haruhi at all (in fact ... no one does) until Sigh.  Even then....

If you put Kyonko in the same position then it becomes a bit absurd (partially because the Computer Society President is now a girl), and also because ... it's easier (for the reader) to use that unlikable double-standard we may be unintentionally subscribing to and say, 'Well, Kyonko is a girl, and Haruki is way bigger than her; what's she honestly supposed to do?'

So, in that, I give the genderflip (in general, not just your story) credence for raising awareness of something uncomfortable and in fact pointing out that this double-standard does exist.

Less objectively: I find Kyon and Kyonko both sympathetic in their own ways, but between Haruhi and Haruki, I have an almost completely impossible time trying to identify with Haruki.  So, yeah, it is a double-standard to some degree ... but at least I can say I'm aware of it.

Anyway.  I've droned on long enough.

Again.

Let me conclude by reminding you that all of my opinions and suggestions are just that; feel free to ignore anything that doesn't help you. :)

As an aside, what story prompted this?  I wonder if it's one I've read before....

Anyway!  Thank you for sharing, and as always, your technical skill shines through. :)

[Brian]

This was alright until I stopped to reread it. I can't actually imagine someone saying 'Kyonko' three times fast. Even if they're a malevolent omnipotent Haruhi-shaped entity.

Hehehe; just had to laugh at seeing that I'm not the only person who uses 'character-shaped entity' to describe certain characterizations. ^_^;

[Arakawa]

Aha, this isn't just what I thought it was, it's Endless Eight, too, isn't it?

Oh yes, I was also thinking 'this is Endless Eight??' at that point in the fic. Since later on it clearly wasn't, I didn't bring the issue up. But it's worth pointing it out since more than one person is getting the impression.

I assume that the fic is a parody of these assorted writings (the gender-flipped names seem to match):

http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost.php?p=1446680=860

I found it via the associated Tropes page and then skimmed it in random order, until I ran into a scene with Haruki forcing Mitsuuruu(uruu?tsu? I don't even remember now) to cross-dress in a maid costume (what??) to 'make him more manly' (whaaaaaat?????????) at which point I gave up entirely.

The only thing I ran into that was unexpected for reasons other than stupidity was Itsuko's outward obsession with shopping. That's one way to indicate a superficial personality...

[Brian]

Aha, this isn't just what I thought it was, it's Endless Eight, too, isn't it?

Oh yes, I was also thinking 'this is Endless Eight??' at that point in the fic. Since later on it clearly wasn't, I didn't bring the issue up. But it's worth pointing it out since more than one person is getting the impression.

I don't think it's a major issue; it's a logical conclusion to jump to EE when you run into resetting consequences or anything that might hint at a time-loop.  I left it in only because it was an initial impression.

(Kind of why I like to C&C on the first pass through; I tend to gloss over technical errors on subsequent read-throughs.)

I assume that the fic is a parody of these assorted writings (the gender-flipped names seem to match):

http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost.php?p=1446680=860

I found it via the associated Tropes page and then skimmed it in random order, until I ran into a scene with Haruki forcing Mitsuuruu(uruu?tsu? I don't even remember now) to cross-dress in a maid costume (what??) to 'make him more manly' (whaaaaaat?????????) at which point I gave up entirely.

The only thing I ran into that was unexpected for reasons other than stupidity was Itsuko's outward obsession with shopping. That's one way to indicate a superficial personality...

I ... didn't even manage to click on and read the first entry in that.  Just the number of alternate edits on some of the later chapter alone suggested that even the people working on the project weren't entirely unified in their expectations and design goals.

Not to say that collaborative efforts are doomed to fail, but....  Well; that's a digression.

If that's the story that this one is based on, then ... ugh.  Nothing constructive to say about that.

Bleah.

[Arakawa]

I was initially tripped up by the fact that their version of Book One, i.e. the one thing that's in a mostly coherent and complete state, is inside a spoiler box, when by all logic it should be visible front and centre. Definitely a case of Bad Formatting.

[Muphrid]

"Kyonko, Kyonko, Kyonko! Why are you doing this to me? This is the third time this week that you jumped from the roof and it's only Tuesday! I can't properly express how disappointed I am right now!"

I want to read this line with understated annoyance, but the exclamation points seem to forbid that.

I don't say anything[,] and he doesn't really expect me to. Everything has been said many times over already, but he just loves to hear his own voice.

Comma in brackets suggested.

"That was number six hundred twenty-seven."

Six hundred and twenty-seven.

It may just as well be the case that my explanation was completely nonsensical to Nagato because alien interfaces have a rather incomplete understanding of the human mind. Maybe Asakura was just lucky when his ill-conceived plan didn't misfire but instead proved out to be a smashing success, at least for him and Haruki? After Asakura had slain me with his katana Haruki wished me back from the dead, and not only did it make him aware of his powers, but he found out that he actually liked it because it made me permanently dependable on him. How many lives was it again that I supposedly owe to Haruki by now? Over six hundred? No wonder that Asakura has been looking so smug ever since Haruki made him the vice president of the brigade and demoted Itsuko to his personal bitch, not that it made any noticeable difference in Itsuko's status anyway. I've also understood that Asakura's feat impressed the IDSE so much that he's now their primary representative and Nagato is just a backup unit.

This is a bit info-dump-ish.  The point is generally made by "Over six hundred?"  I see what you feel you need to do--get across that Asakura is still around and alive.  I do think you can afford to space out the exposition and delay that revelation until a few lines later.  Perhaps even having Asakura come up without his position being entirely explained would be a good thing.


Overall, I like this (...for certain values and meanings of like).  I think the part where you go into just what Haruki can make Kyonko feel and how she has to fight her body's reactions to exert her own will really makes this story.  I can see Kyonko looking at herself in a mirror, giving in to that pleasure just for a moment, only to glimpse her own reflection and be so thoroughly disgusted that she offs herself right then and there.  At any rate, the amount of willpower one must have to do as she does, dying hundreds of times to resist, is impressive.

It all does bring up an interesting question, though:  could this have happened in the non-genderbent-verse?  In that, I do want to echo Brian a bit: there's a lot of stuff Kyon allows to happen for no great reason and without a hint of resistance.  Maybe that's the crux of what's disgusting about this:  that we feel from double standards that a guy like Kyon can resist at any time if he wants to and make a difference, where someone like Kyonko has to show it constantly or be labeled a doormat, a dishrag, a convenient plaything with legs that is of no particular consequence at all.

So I guess I have to echo something else, too:  that genderbent-verse really brings home some of the fridge horror that, sadly, is actually already present and just overlooked.


To go with something Arakawa Seijio said at the beginning, about whiplash, I have mixed feelings about that, too.  Whiplash can be a great surprise, but I felt like this story worked because it didn't pull any punches--it let you know right away what territory you were in so you could be prepared for it and appreciate it for what it was, rather than a gambit to ambush people.  On the other hand, I can see how starting off with something innocuous (like, say, Kyonko ignoring her phone while Haruki keeps calling constantly) and building up to jumping off the roof would have a strong impact.  So I'm torn on that, too.

[sarsaparilla]

Ok, the final version is out and the attachment updated. You don't have to feel obliged to re-read it since I incorporated the suggestions more or less as they are, and added some material related to the divergent incident that brought this particular universe into being.

Isn't anyone going to be just a little concerned about the unholy menace that is running around their school? Is Haruki casting Irresistible Glamour on everyone? Are bystanders who complain sent to the cornfield or something?

I realized that there was insufficient exposition and foreshadowing to see what happened at that point but yes, Haruki had cast 'Irresistible Glamour' on everybody and just removes the memory of the recent accident from people's minds. Everybody in the story is Haruki's slave but only Kyonko tries to fight back (and Haruki lets it happen as long as it amuses him, but not any longer).

I added a couple of sentences to make this more apparent.

On the one hand, this is a bit of a double-standard.  On the other hand, I agree with you completely and wholeheartedly.

I don't particularly enjoy the implications that logically follow; for Haruhi to be acceptable, then evidently Rape Is Okay If It's Female on Male (which it should not be), especially if Haruki is not acceptable.

I am aware of the double-standard, but I don't see it as the major issue. I still find many things that Haruhi does early on in the series completely unacceptable, and had I been in such a situation, I would've resisted much more vigorously than Kyon, even at the risk of triggering something really bad. Furthermore, we know that Haruhi eventually grows into a kind and caring person (although her Karma Houdini powers still annoy me), but that proposition is not at all clear for Haruki. My personal squick of a male sociopath is only the third factor in the equation.

As far as 'getting' Kyonko, well ... there really isn't a canon Kyonko, unlike Kyon -- just a 'generally agreed upon' Kyonko.  So that does give you more freedom, even if you adhere to the 'generally agreed upon' points.  At the risk of being preachy or (more likely) way too analytical:

Beyond that, Kyonko is a somewhat hyperbolic inversion of Kyon; you're saying that if Kyon were changed in a way to be more exaggerated version of himself he'd be easier to understand.  Admittedly, for contrast, pretty much all of Kyon's other social factors are also inverted.  To a degree, this basically takes the existing premises of the story and stretches them apart so that the scale of everything is changed -- which makes it much clearer (if still exaggerated).

I like that point of view, and will keep searching for my inner Kyon. He's got to be somewhere in there ;)

Also ... not sure ... why Haruki would be so forgiving of Asakura after witnessing that.  It does make Haruki looks more monstrous, but I don't know that this story really needs that.  I guess to justify Nagato not doing more to help Kyonko?

As mentioned above, there were some details related to the Asakura incident that I left out in the first version, but decided to add to the final one to better substantiate the scenario. Basically, Haruki felt that the members of the brigade had broken his trust by not telling him about his powers, and since it was Asakura who let him know about them, Asakura was not just interesting but had the initiative and abilities Haruki had been looking for all along. While a selfish and heartless interpretation of the event, it's something that makes perfect sense to a sociopath. The relevant passage contains a lot of projection (basically, Haruki is seeing others the way he is himself).

And why it went the way it went ... unlike his original, distaff counterpart, Ryou Asakura didn't hold the Idiot Ball on that day. Instead, he just killed Kyonko right away without leaving any time for Nagato to breach the enclosure.

So, amazingly, as dark as you warned that this was going to get, every time I think I've adjusted to the horror, you reveal another, even more terrifying layer.

The final layer was a late addition, and it made me feel really bad to write it (I was kind of subconsciously rooting for Kyonko even while I knew that it won't be ending well), but it couldn't be avoided. Without it there would've been at least a glimmer of, if not hope, then at least dignified defiance left, and I didn't want to leave any room for a positive interpretation (unless the reader is also a sociopath, that is).

I ... what's the word....  I think I can say I appreciated this story, even if I didn't enjoy it?  I feel like I understood and agreed with the premise?

That's a relieving thing to hear.

As an aside, what story prompted this?  I wonder if it's one I've read before....

It was this one:

i threw up in my mouth a little

http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/2011-September/003212.html

I really should've known better than to click the link, but my morbid curiosity got the better of me, and the resulting reaction was ... primitive. And initially, noisy.

I think the part where you go into just what Haruki can make Kyonko feel and how she has to fight her body's reactions to exert her own will really makes this story.  I can see Kyonko looking at herself in a mirror, giving in to that pleasure just for a moment, only to glimpse her own reflection and be so thoroughly disgusted that she offs herself right then and there.

Very much this, it's the squickiest thing I could think of.

It all does bring up an interesting question, though:  could this have happened in the non-genderbent-verse?

I believe firmly that the answer is negative. I find the original characters too sympathetic to even think about them in a setting like this. We also know with certainty that Haruhi is not like that, she has never been and she would never have turned into one.

In that, I do want to echo Brian a bit: there's a lot of stuff Kyon allows to happen for no great reason and without a hint of resistance.  Maybe that's the crux of what's disgusting about this:  that we feel from double standards that a guy like Kyon can resist at any time if he wants to and make a difference, where someone like Kyonko has to show it constantly or be labeled a doormat, a dishrag, a convenient plaything with legs that is of no particular consequence at all.

I hadn't been thinking it from that perspective but you are absolutely right. My portrayal of Kyonko is different from how I would've imagined Kyon to act in the situation, just because of the gender-flip. Touché.

On the other hand, I can see how starting off with something innocuous (like, say, Kyonko ignoring her phone while Haruki keeps calling constantly) and building up to jumping off the roof would have a strong impact.

An excellent idea, implemented. Other than making the story just a bit more heartbreaking (along with one conspicuous addition at the very end where Kyonko curses Asakura), I believe that it works adequately. I also realized that it's the only part of narration that is rather close to my Kyon mode.

Once again, many thanks for all the feedback! I'm mentioning you all in the author's notes; if you don't want to be associated with this piece of work then please let me know and I edit the name out.

[Arakawa]

Heads up: you seem to have slipped up and wrote "Itsuki" instead of "Itsuko" in your revised version.

[sarsaparilla]

Heads up: you seem to have slipped up and wrote "Itsuki" instead of "Itsuko" in your revised version.

That was actually one of Brian's suggestions. Apparently, Itsuki is a gender-neutral name in Japan and only the kanji changes depending on the case. I'm tempted to say that I'm conspicuously unsurprised...

[Muphrid]

Haruhi's the same, isn't it?  Or else how does Ouran work?

[Brian]

Ok, the final version is out and the attachment updated. You don't have to feel obliged to re-read it since I incorporated the suggestions more or less as they are, and added some material related to the divergent incident that brought this particular universe into being.

I will probably take a look at that in a bit, just for the sake of seeing the complete, final vision.

One thing -- before I check it I realized this was labeled 'hurt/comfort'.  I ... am not positive, but I believe that genre tag is mostly used to indicate a more uplifting ending?  Here, I'm not positive, but I think that 'suspense' or 'drama' might compliment the horror tag better?

I am aware of the double-standard, but I don't see it as the major issue. I still find many things that Haruhi does early on in the series completely unacceptable, and had I been in such a situation, I would've resisted much more vigorously than Kyon, even at the risk of triggering something really bad. Furthermore, we know that Haruhi eventually grows into a kind and caring person (although her Karma Houdini powers still annoy me), but that proposition is not at all clear for Haruki. My personal squick of a male sociopath is only the third factor in the equation.

Aha, sorry.  I meant to say, the story raised my awareness of my own double-standard, which is very effective.

To a degree, this basically takes the existing premises of the story and stretches them apart so that the scale of everything is changed -- which makes it much clearer (if still exaggerated).

I like that point of view, and will keep searching for my inner Kyon. He's got to be somewhere in there ;)

I'm very glad for that spark of light, then. :D

The final layer was a late addition, and it made me feel really bad to write it (I was kind of subconsciously rooting for Kyonko even while I knew that it won't be ending well), but it couldn't be avoided. Without it there would've been at least a glimmer of, if not hope, then at least dignified defiance left, and I didn't want to leave any room for a positive interpretation (unless the reader is also a sociopath, that is).

That worked quite well; like I said before, it perfectly echoed (to me) the 'doomed, heroic mortal vs. the gods' tone of classic Greek plays. :)

It was this one:

i threw up in my mouth a little

http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/2011-September/003212.html

I really should've known better than to click the link, but my morbid curiosity got the better of me, and the resulting reaction was ... primitive. And initially, noisy.

Ha....  Oh, my.  I had a dark suspicion that might have been....  Yes.  My reaction was not as good as it could have been, probably:

http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/2011-September/003213.html

Most of his (Mr. Cobb's) stories feel very similar to me; for what it's worth, I believe he almost always presents an extremely difficult-to-like interperation of Haruhi, and his Haruki ... outdid that.  But I completely empathise with your reaction.

I believe firmly that the answer is negative. I find the original characters too sympathetic to even think about them in a setting like this. We also know with certainty that Haruhi is not like that, she has never been and she would never have turned into one.

I think we agree that Haruki is more of a ... em ... unlikable character, then. 

At the same time....  Maybe I'm a terrible person for it, but I actually have no trouble imagining Kyon reacting almost the same way as Kyonko in the same situation?  Though it does require (I feel/agree) some pretty severe warping/twisting of Haruhi's character to get things to that point....

Once again, many thanks for all the feedback! I'm mentioning you all in the author's notes; if you don't want to be associated with this piece of work then please let me know and I edit the name out.

No complaints from me; I'm just glad I could help.