[Haruhi] [Experimental] Retrograde

[JonBob]

It's not quite dead yet (thread)...

While not my ideal style, this "show, don't tell (much at all)" seems to have worked out. The presence/interference of the TFEI is left open, but that could be explained away by having the focus of the story on the mundane (relatively).

Honestly, and this will probably reflect badly on me, Kyon's parents bringing in Sasaki reminds me of Rumbling Hearts, where you bring in someone comfortable from the last memory time period; but that's not quite right since they bring her in before they know that. On a similar topic, I'm not fully sure how in-character it is for her to be affectionate and possessive of Kyon.

For the SOS Brigade not trying to get Kyon again, I could easily see Kyon's parent's objecting to that since they were responsible for the injury and, essentially, they aren't his friends anymore.

[Brian]

Hmm, not familiar with Rumbling Hearts.  I'll look into that.

I didn't mean to portray Sasaki as possessive as much as concerned.  Hmm.  I'll take another look at that and see if I came across a bit too strongly there.  I think I'm okay with her being affectionate (at least, eventually; in context, it takes at least six months to get to that point, given that she doesn't 'confess' (where Haruhi actually forced her hand a bit) until Christmas).

...I still have no idea what those tickets are even for.  Something ostensibly semi-romantic, but not wholly.  Huh.

Going back to my 'the story needs to support itself' stance, I'll see if I feel like that requires a touch-up; since it's been a while since I've touched this one, I should have fresh eyes when I go back it it. :)

But!  Thank you greatly for the feedback; as always, it's greatly appreciated.

[sarsaparilla]

Personally, I didn't find Sasaki the least bit possessive, and that wouldn't even suit her personality; she would be the first person to retreat if she was accused of appropriating somebody's affection to the detriment of other people. The story portrays her as earnest, considerate and reliable, the way she is presented in canon as well, and those are naturally the traits Kyon's parents wanted to see after the incident (and that explains why they preferred to have her around after the incident instead of brigade members).

[JonBob]

I suppose I got the "possessive" aspect from how hyper-aware Sasaki seemed of Haruhi (doesn't turn around at the bus, smile vanishing at the door, freezes at the graduation).

[sarsaparilla]

Ah, I believe that the chosen format is open to a wide variety of interpretations, and thus there aren't any 'right' answers as much as subjective ones; my understanding of Sasaki's character was congruent with the presentation, but that doesn't exclude the possibility that a radically different interpretation could also fit, in which case the story acts more like a template onto which the reader is free to project his or her own expectations. I hadn't thought of it that way, but now that it was mentioned it appears evident.

[Brian]

While I can see how various people might see different things ... well -- I do like that it's open to interpretation; that's one of the main drives of using such a style.  Also, in retrospect, that style is probably an indirect admission that I'm so clumsy with specifics that vagaries can frequently serve me better in storytelling....

Realistically, I don't know how well I could have written the longer version of this story; my original plan was just to try an opening scene from the PoV of an inanimate object (the camera), and then it mutated into the idea that became 'The Melancholy Silent Movie.'  But how would I really have handled all the details of writing a story of a romance (as such) forming between a character very like the Kyon from canon, only without the benefit of the character growth he's gained?  Could I maintain reader interest and make it really feel like it was Kyon/Sasaki?  So by avoiding those specifics, I did introduce spaces where other meanings could be drawn from a lot of directions.

I (personally) prefer Sarsaparilla's interpretation; I don't see Sasaki as being possessive, either (I still think she made up that confession in book 11, just to try and push Kyon towards what she believed would make him happy, honestly).  Affectionate ... once certain relationship bridges were crossed -- yeah, I'm fine with that.

I think I could hammer down some of the things that are open to interpretation, but (pre-emptive; sleep deprivation is kicking in and I'm losing my focus; apologies) I'm not sure I'm going to.  I'm generally satisfied with this, but if I look at it in a new light and see things that have too many possible negative connotations, I'll try and smooth them down.

Mm; rambling.  Very much need to sleep soon. :p

Edit: Forgot this; thank you for that comment, Sarsaparilla; it helped reinforce my original perception.

JonBob, thank you for your insight into your PoV as well; that was fairly illuminating. :)