[Haruhi] In Your Dreams

[Brian]

Bah.  Sorry about taking so long to get back to this, Muphrid. >_<

Not sure how I dropped the ball. :\

Kyon awakens from when last we saw him with Haruhi.

A glance at the clock reveals that it's shortly after one in the morning; properly, I'll need to wait until after sunrise before calling.  That plan in mind, I feel like Sasaki Kojiro, waiting for Miyamoto Musashi to show up for the duel.  And much like that historical figure, I expect I will be defeated in our encounter.

I'm not sure I understand the significance of "properly"?

I think I meant it as a reference to polite behavior.

A glance at the clock reveals that it's shortly after one in the morning; I'll need to wait until after sunrise before calling to be properly respectful of our Brigade chief.

Blue hair, sharply focused gaze, the glint of metal in one hand--

Hah.  This is really clever.

If Rika were a bit older

They are still his aunts, right?

Oops, I see.  Guess that one jars too much. :x

Wish I'd never gone for mixed English/Japanese terms, now....

Properly armed this time, I step into the darkness, looking down the road for a glimpse of their own flashlights as they hike through the onslaught to the relative safety of Aunt Mion's home.

Their and they refer to Satoko and Shion, right?  The next paragraph goes straight to the two of them bringing their children in, which leads me to think that Kyon doesn't just look for a glimpse of their flashlights but actually sees them, which wasn't clear to me at first.

It ... could go that way?  There's some implied action, so it's kind of offscreen.  I'll just put a scene break between those paragraphs.

Neither myself or her mother begrudge the girl from curling up near Aunt Rena's side and falling asleep at the kotatsu with us.  That does mean that I'm the one who has to go attend any of the children when they need help, but that little bit of activity is actually a welcome distraction on a night like this.

How do you feel about "nor" instead of "or"?

It feels a bit stiff?  I'm not used to that word, really, so it's probably correct but since it's not one I typically use.  Mm.  Will change.

Perhaps "I can't help but think"?

Huh--  Not sure how that got dropped!

Kyon convines himself to do something to help out instead of moping, so he takes an assignment from Mion to take tea to the school and bring back the short-wave radio.  One thing I notice here is that Kyon's justification of his motivation--that he can't face Haruhi saying he shrank from a challenge or a task--seems a bit quickly given, but it also seems like a good follow-up on the last time he spoke with her.

There's a small parallel with Kyon trying to also drive himself to do something because Haruhi's focusing on her investigation.  I'm not sure how aware of it Kyon himself is, though.  I could lampshade it better, or leave it as is....

If it's not inconsistent with something already established, doesn't Mion refer to her as simply "Satoko"?

...I'm not sure.  Mion will call her 'your aunt Satoko'.

Maybe just "Power outages"?

As always, if I don't comment on a suggestion it's because I've used it. >.>

"But" is suggesting a contrast to his expectations I don't see is really there.  He thinks it's cleared, and to a degree, it has.  Unless the emphasis is meant to be on the fact that there are still clouds after all.

Will replace it with a semi-colon.

I could easily breathe underwater, or fly....  And if I'd thought about that earlier, I wouldn't have needed to be so frightened of that tower.  Still, to make myself prove that it's true, I step through the doorway -- it's right before the fairly well known 'tutle' formation on the top of the massive stone structure.

Tutle?

Oops -- should be 'turtle'.

I suppose it would have been fun....  Haruhi would probably have enjoyed it, and I could see us discussing the idea of it being natural or manmade while enjoying island cuizine afterward, too.  Of course, if I wanted to know, I could just ask Nagato, but that would take all the fun out of it.  Somehow, I like the idea of listening to one specific member of the Brigade muse on what she thinks it might really be.

Cuisine.  "If I wanted to know" (I think this is about whether it's natural or manmade) seems a bit disconnected from Kyon thinking how he could ask Nagato about it because the thought of Haruhi and cuisine is in-between.  I think this could benefit from a simple rearrangement of the thoughts.

Maybe if I add an 'instead' to the end of the final sentence?  The idea of this paragraph is to show Kyon's thoughts going, "my friends", "Haruhi", "Nagato--", "Nah, Haruhi."

Kyon makes a toy for Haruhi to represent his situation, but it's not immediately clear (to me) just what it might be yet.

There haven't been any clues.  If I'd thought about it, a toy would have shown up in chapter two, but we didn't have that part planned at that point, so it's just a mystery. >.>

I hear the people working on it before I round the bend in the road, calling to one-another and chatting.  There's no sounds of machinery, which makes me wonder what happened to the machinery that Uncle Keiichi mentioned was used to reinforce a levee.  It must be on the Okinomiya side of the blockage, I guess.

May be able to eliminate this repetition if it strikes you as odd.

Oh--  One can be equipment.  Got it.

Overall, what strikes me from this chapter is that there's a lot of necessary stuff--documenting the disaster in Hinamizawa and such--but because there's so much focus on that, Kyon's dream in the middle of the chapter only feels like a small break from that.  I don't get a great sense of how the disaster and Kyon's reactions to it tie into everything yet.  In short, I'm not sure I see how this experience is changing Kyon; he just seems to go through it.  For the most part, everything is technically good; I just feel that, while Haruhi had the driving spark of trying to unravel the mysteries around her, Kyon just had to roll with things here.

Alas, sorry I can't say something different in that respect. :/

Well -- Haruhi's actionary, Kyon's reactionary. >_>

Hopefully Kyon's next scenes will be a bit less dull. :x

Thanks for the comments, Muphrid, as always. :)

[Brian]

And a wild chapter 08 appears!

[thepanda]

Exciting chapter!

[Muphrid]

The next stop I make is what he showed me of Hinamizawa, although the landscape is blurred and indistinct, almost like I'm looking at it through fog - but the air is clear. I can only figure it's due to the fact that I don't know the place that well myself, but it does let me know that Kyon isn't here either -- it'd probably be a lot more normal-looking if he was.

Most of the dashes in and around this paragraph are single - instead of the double -- used at the end of this paragraph.

It's enough to get me to stop and consider for a minute. Obviously Kyon isn't in any immediate danger if he was able to get into the dream after the last time we met up, which eases the pressure to find him immediately. It strikes me that if I keep flipping around looking for him, he could end up doing the same looking for me, and it'll take longer for us to find each other if we do - sort of like running around in circles after each other.

Repetition.

"Well, I didn't ask it anything, so it at least seems to have the 'acting like you' thing down perfectly," I retort with a smirk - but then, like a thunderbolt, the reason why I'm here looking for him comes crashing back. I don't want him to see how worried I was, though, so I keep my face steady as I shout at him. "And you! You'd better have a really good explanation for missing the Brigade meeting today!"

I think it's cute that Haruhi puts on this air while being pretty sure she knows exactly why Kyon missed school.

He heaves another sigh at that, his shoulders slumping. "Yeah, I suppose I've got a penalty for that too," he replies glumly. "My whole family got trapped up here in Hinamizawa - there was a big mudslide that took out the phone and power lines, and blocked the main road leading out of the village. My parents figured it was too risky for us to get out along the back roads, so we're staying put until they can get the main road cleared. We might be up here for another week or more."

Mind that that comma isn't strictly correct.

He nods at that, looking slightly depressed. "Yeah, I haven't heard of anyone being hurt so far. My aunt Mion's house -- where we've been staying -- is up in the mountains, so there's no real danger of flooding here at least. My uncles have been working on reinforcing some of the levees, and seeing if they can clear the mudslide a little before the Department of Public Works arrives. Most of my aunts have come up here with the rest of my cousins, but one of them's staying in town at the school -- that's where the main shelter for the village residents is."

Note that at this point double dashes come back in.

"Helping my aunts look after the cousins more, really," he answers, shaking his head. "No school, of course, since the actual school building is being used as a shelter, but we spent today working on their homework, mostly. I got a break to go visit my uncles at lunchtime, but even that was an errand, really - taking food down to the mudslide area. The JSDF actually airlifted some supplies in this afternoon, so we're not in any danger of running out of food or medical supplies any time soon, but it's still not much fun."

Repetition.

The prospect doesn't seem to excite him much, not that I can actually blame him for that. "Yeah, I guess," he mumbles. "Just means my sister gets a free pass, since everyone else will have things they actually need to work on."

And again.

"That's... probably true," Kyon says, sounding rather uncomfortable. "Anyway, I probably shouldn't say any more, just... as I said, I'd stick to looking into Koizumi, you've got better odds of finding things that look off about his situation than the others. The one other thing I'll say directly is that none of the others' secrets are anything bad, just things they don't want you to know about."

Here too.

Overall with this scene, it's surprising how much Kyon is able to confirm, yet he still can't provide "real" information.  While Haruhi seems emboldened for it (and, notably, seems to treat their interactions as so real she forgets it's even a dream), I think were I her, my mind would be racing trying to figure out just what could be so complicated and hush-hush.  Then again, she's already reached that point, hasn't she, and the only thing to do is keep pushing, which she's very, very good at.

Instead I resolved myself to keep doing my best.  Haruhi had acknowledged that I was doing that, and she couldn't blame me for the rest, so what else was there?

Is that necessary?

While I should have a view of Nishinomiya, she's rolled back time.  The surrounding area lets us see a small abandoned village, and an army of foes stretching all the way to the horizon.  "Great Strategist Kyon!" Empress Haruhi declares imperiously.  "The march of the Dread-cousins draws near!  The fortress must be held until the light of the moon shines in the sky once more!"

"...Dreadcousins?" I can't help but ask, taken slightly aback.

Probably want consistent spelling here.  And let me just say, I laughed out loud at "dread-cousins."

Realizing this, I remark, "Have the samurai stand ready to cover the archer's retreat once the first defenses are breached.  When a breach seems imminent, pull the archers back immediately; the samurai can cover them until the next choke-point.  We're going to conserve resources, which means the archers are going to be key.  Let the enemy make progress until they reach the maze; we'll whittle them down slowly until that point.  Then we'll spring every dirty trick this castle has on them!"

Archers'?

Then the messenger at my side tugs at my sleeve and says, "General Kyon-nii, you should either put on a horo, or move to the third floor's ishiuchidana!"

This combined with the earlier bits of untranslated stuff might be a bit much?

Coughing slightly, Haruhi adds, "And math--  Always with the math!  Page forty seven and forty nine."  She shakes her head, getting back into character, I guess, and says, "But now, brave hero, for your victory, you have earned a further reward."

Forty-seven and forty-nine.

Oh, a kiss on the cheek?  Well, that's fine, I think.  As she draws closer, the entire world shakes incredibly violently, and just before she connects I realize I'm blinking up int Matsuri's face as she comes in for--

Into.

I think Haruhi's kiss on Kyon's cheek was the right speed for things to progress--affectionate, but not too fast.  This entire battle sequence is imaginative and hilarious.

She nods thoughtfully at that, while Mikuru finally takes a seat next to me and opens up her bento. "I see!" Tsuruya replies. "Shame to hears something like that happened to Kyon-kun, I'll definitely chip in!"

Maybe a semicolon?

That startles the red-haired girl, almost making her drop her chopsticks. "Ah-- what for?"

Red or chestnut?  You guys can make either choice in that regard.

[Halbarad]

Just addressing the parts related to my segments here. As usual, no comment = suggestion was used.

Most of the dashes in and around this paragraph are single - instead of the double -- used at the end of this paragraph.

Should be uniform with the double dash now.

It's enough to get me to stop and consider for a minute. Obviously Kyon isn't in any immediate danger if he was able to get into the dream after the last time we met up, which eases the pressure to find him immediately. It strikes me that if I keep flipping around looking for him, he could end up doing the same looking for me, and it'll take longer for us to find each other if we do - sort of like running around in circles after each other.

Repetition.

Replaced the second with 'right away'.

"Helping my aunts look after the cousins more, really," he answers, shaking his head. "No school, of course, since the actual school building is being used as a shelter, but we spent today working on their homework, mostly. I got a break to go visit my uncles at lunchtime, but even that was an errand, really - taking food down to the mudslide area. The JSDF actually airlifted some supplies in this afternoon, so we're not in any danger of running out of food or medical supplies any time soon, but it's still not much fun."

Repetition.

Second instance was changed to "but even that was more of an errand --"

The prospect doesn't seem to excite him much, not that I can actually blame him for that. "Yeah, I guess," he mumbles. "Just means my sister gets a free pass, since everyone else will have things they actually need to work on."

And again.

Second instance changed to 'really do'.

"That's... probably true," Kyon says, sounding rather uncomfortable. "Anyway, I probably shouldn't say any more, just... as I said, I'd stick to looking into Koizumi, you've got better odds of finding things that look off about his situation than the others. The one other thing I'll say directly is that none of the others' secrets are anything bad, just things they don't want you to know about."

Here too.

Letting this one go as conversational, since it's all in dialogue. Less stringent about it there myself.

(Seriously, if you want to drive yourself nuts sometime? Try paying attention to your own everyday speech and notice how often you repeat words in proximity.)

Overall with this scene, it's surprising how much Kyon is able to confirm, yet he still can't provide "real" information.  While Haruhi seems emboldened for it (and, notably, seems to treat their interactions as so real she forgets it's even a dream), I think were I her, my mind would be racing trying to figure out just what could be so complicated and hush-hush.  Then again, she's already reached that point, hasn't she, and the only thing to do is keep pushing, which she's very, very good at.

Yeah. She's already determined that this is something really big given what Yuki said, she's just digging for clues. She's got a breakthrough coming soon, though.

That startles the red-haired girl, almost making her drop her chopsticks. "Ah-- what for?"

Red or chestnut?  You guys can make either choice in that regard.

Will speak with Brian on this one, but I'm inclined to leave it as red myself.

[Brian]

Instead I resolved myself to keep doing my best.  Haruhi had acknowledged that I was doing that, and she couldn't blame me for the rest, so what else was there?

Is that necessary?

I think it's not, actually.

Probably want consistent spelling here.  And let me just say, I laughed out loud at "dread-cousins."

Glad that worked. :D

Okay, they should all be hyphenated, and only capitalized when used as the 'Dread-cousin Empire'.  Also, Haruhi is only a princess here, to better fit with the samurai cheering, "Haruhi for Empress!"

Archers'?

Yeah. :X

This combined with the earlier bits of untranslated stuff might be a bit much?

Yeah, the reference to the horo is a bit forced, so I dropped it.

I think Haruhi's kiss on Kyon's cheek was the right speed for things to progress--affectionate, but not too fast.  This entire battle sequence is imaginative and hilarious.

Excellent; thanks for that feedback.  I put a little work into the cousin-battle, especially Kyon's desire to not actually harm his cousins (even cartoonishly).  It's also based off a game I GMed a long time ago (Hal was one of the players, though he wasn't in the seige ;)), so it was fun to reference that....

And Haruhi wanting to give him a kiss on the cheek felt natural, too -- so I'm glad that worked. :D

Thanks very much for taking the time to comment, as always!

[Arakawa]

A much delayed look at this chapter. All in all, from my vantage point is looks like the story is progressing smoothly -- I'm hoping the delay Hal mentioned on IRC isn't story-related, since I can't see any major problems with what's out so far...

The only significant issue is that Matsuri exploding when told off by Aunt Rika kind of came out of the blue for me. (Note that the actual event of her running off, to me, doesn't depend *that* heavily on her immediate reaction to being scolded. I can easily see Matsuri becoming seething mad and distraught after being grounded for most of the day.) Not sure if it's because people unfamiliar with Higurashi aren't predisposed to pay attention to the pile of cousins and so I missed some development, or because it objectively comes out of the blue. I'll harp on it again when I get to it.

Anyhow, C&C by section, may be redundant with what other people have written:

Spoiler: ShowHide

The first check I make - the clubroom - comes up empty, and completely unchanged as far as I can see. I spend a few minutes waiting, but I'm too antsy to simply sit back and do nothing while Kyon gets here, so after a brief bout of pacing the length of the clubroom I turn the page again.

"check" is a bit awkward as it's in a completely different sense from the previous paragraph ("reality check"). Maybe "the first place I look".

"clubroom" ... "the length of the clubroom" -- repetition. Maybe "clubroom" ... "the length of the room".

I can't help but burst out in a fit of the giggles at that - it's like the essence of Kyon, right there! I'm just about to pull the string again when I'm interrupted by a sigh from behind me; I whirl around to find the real Kyon standing there, a hand covering his face. "Kyon!" I bark out in surprise.

"hand covering his face"? I assume you mean the classic Kyon facepalm?

Maybe put a paragraph break before the exclamation.

I can't help but frown a bit at that. "Well, if you're just working on schoolwork anyway, I guess I can give you our assignments when we meet here. Not the most exciting thing in the world, but at least if you're able to keep up with them on your own you won't have a huge pile of make-up work to do when you finally do get back."

Repetition --> suggested fixes:

"if you're just working on schoolwork" --> "if you're doing schoolwork"

"make-up work to do when you finally do get back" --> "make-up work when you finally do get back" or (?) "make-up work to do when you finally get back" or "make-up work to do when you finally manage to get back"

He just chuckles at that. "All right, I'll go with the 'thanks', then." He sighs, shaking his head. "Anyway, rather than dwelling on dull things are up here at the moment, what have you been up to?"

Seems like something is missing. Maybe "on how dull things are up here at the moment", or "on the dull things going on up here" / "on all the dull things going on here".

"Not that big a deal, I just wasn't expecting it is all," I reply offhandedly. "You know, for a few minutes there I actually forgot that we were dreaming - sitting here and talking to you like this, it could be just like something we'd do in the real world. That," I add, pointing to the doorway, "is definitely not something that could show up for real."

Probably the last sentence needs something along the lines "that is definitely not something that could show up for real, though".

Before I do the same, I look back at the door - still standing open to the Brigade room even though Kyon's gone. It might not be possible for him to just open a door and come back to Nishinomiya, but it would be really nice if he could. Spending time with him in dreams is fun, but I want him back in the real world too!

*cough*

hopefully as in "want to see him back in the real world"?

Now for Brian's part:

Spoiler: ShowHide

After meeting with Haruhi -- finally -- I was able to let myself drift into proper sleep. Morning came around, leaving me to be woken by my younger sister and her giggling.
Aunt Mion is in the doorway, looking amused as my sister dashes away, blanket trailing behind her. At least the gas heating keeps the house warm even without power.

Sudden switch from past tense "morning came around" to present tense "Aunt Mion is in the doorway" is kind of jarring.

Then again, I've managed to achieve lucid dreaming (or this new thing that Haruhi made up that's really like lucid dreaming), so I suppose there's not as much point? In any case, I make a note of the math assignments that Haruhi mentioned, so I can work on those during the 'school' session with my cousins.

Arbitrary rejiggering suggestion: "or a least this new thing Haruhi made up that's really similar to lucid dreaming".

Instead I resolved myself to keep doing my best. Haruhi had acknowledged that I was doing that, and she couldn't blame me for the rest, so what else was there?

And... back to past tense again. Probably going to be irritating to fix -_-;;

A bunch of repetition. Maybe something along the lines "Instead I resolved to just keep doing my best. Haruhi had acknowledged that I've been doing what I could, and she couldn't blame me for the rest, so what else was there?"

And that meant as soon as I was done bathing, helping keep the cousins in line, and more actively trying to help lead them to take their lessons.

This looks like a nasty sentence fragment (although I get the intended structure). Many ways to fix this, e.g.

"And that meant that as soon as I was done bathing, I'd have to help keep the cousins in line, and more actively try to help lead them to take their lessons."

Also, "trying to help lead them" is a wobbly, slightly weaselly phrase which detracts from the overall sense of resolve in the sentence. (Sounds like someone hedging their bets to pass the buck later: "don't look at me! I'm not in charge of this! I was just trying to help lead the initiative!") Anyhow, there's probably a way to collapse this.

Maybe just "more actively try to lead them to take their lessons", without the extra layer of indirection from "help"?

Sure, he's not the only authority figure doing this, but his authority in the matter of encouraging to is generally going to be complementary to that of the adults and... anyhow, he makes a unilateral leadership decision later on in this very chapter (to take the kid along in the rain to help search), that the adults would definitely disagree with, so why not have him be less wishy-washy at this point in a matter where you're trying to show his resolve, and he doesn't even have any reason to hesitate?

Ah, Haruhi, what have you done to me? Made me realize I have to take initiative and finish my homework on its own?

This kind of exclamation seems (to me) would be more natural if you wrote something like "... what have you done to me? Making me realize I have to take initiative and finish my homework on my own?"

The rain cuts off and resumes in fitful spates until I got out of the furo.

More tense confusion. "cuts off" ... "got" in the same sentence.

"Today's assignment for me," I tell her, which gets the attention of the other cousins, and my mother to beam me a surprised, pleased smile.

The verb "gets" commanding two different kinds of subordinate clauses... anyhow, some confusing grammar mojo I can't really put my finger on makes this sentence flow awkwardly. I suggest fixing it either by biting the bullet and adding repetition

"which gets the attention of the other cousins, and gets my mother to beam me a surprised, pleased smile."

making it at least easier to comprehend, or fixing it any other way you like.

It could be much worse then, couldn't it? Hopefully it doesn't rain so much it makes working on the mudslide dangerous, or else that little bit of exercise won't happen today....

Not sure what Kyon is worrying about exactly -- being cooped up indoors, or the work on the mudslide being for nothing, all plausible candidates. Anyhow, this isn't really in need of fixing, consider it a problem with my poor reading comprehension if you like :-)

Back to Hal's part:

Spoiler: ShowHide

I do my best to keep my cool, although I'd like nothing more than to reach over and slap that smug smirk off his face. "So, your words about student independence were completely empty, then? I've already gotten approval from the faculty to do this -- they even thought it was an excellent idea to raise awareness!"

"slap that smug smirk"... very nice XD

I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, though. As much as I'd like to use this to force recognition of the SOS Brigade by the student council, we don't have time to play tug-of-war over this - if the rest of my plans are going to succeed, we need to get this moving fast!

Repetition of this: "use this to force" ... "tug of war over this" ... "get this moving". Your choice whether / how to change the paragraph.

Suggest "if the rest of my plans are to succeed" as a (possible) alternate phrasing.

"And, of course, the president of the Literature Club is fully behind me on this one," I add - although Yuki's more behind and off to the side of me at the moment; she adds her own nod to punctuate the point. If he was willing to attack the SOS Brigade through the old Literature Club... well, two can play at that game!

Or maaaaybe, "well, that strategy can work in the other direction too!" or something more concise/apt to that effect. She's not so much using the same tactics the president is, rather observing that by framing the situation that way he unwittingly handed her an advantage. Purely optional observation.

At that, my smirk breaks into a full grin. "As the leader of the SOS Brigade, I fully accept!" I bark triumphantly, spinning on my heel and striding out of the clubroom, with Yuki trailing behind in my wake. It may not be official recognition of the Brigade, but by singling me out he's admitting that I'm more than just a member of the Literature Club - a small victory, but a victory all the same!

Student Council President: "... by singling you out I have in fact recognized you... as a singularly persistent source of annoyance."

"Yeah, that part I imagine we won't be able to plan for very well - I'm guessing we either rent bicycles in Okinomiya or we hike. Ten kilometers should be manageable, though, as long as we don't go too crazy." I know I sure won't have any problems hiking that far, and I suspect Koizumi won't either - but we'll probably need to pace ourselves a bit to make sure Mikuru and Yuki can keep up. She doesn't seem to be bothered at all at the suggestion, though, which I'll take as a good sign for her.

I think I was burned by the "does Haruhi have any evidence Yuki is actually athletic, or not" question once before. My sense was, she does, but I might be horribly wrong.

Back to Brian's part:

Spoiler: ShowHide

She nods smoothly, and from the enemy camp, a lone figure steps out. She's armored in gear that looks suspiciously like what a kindergartner or elementary schooler would wear. That is to say, the familiar tsuugaku-bou, or brightly colored yellow hats that children wear for road safety. It also looks slightly like armor, but at a guess, Haruhi was aiming for something silly instead of intimidating.

"kindergartner"? "kindergardener"?

"Wait, wait-- I have to fight them?" I ask aghast, turning to where Haruhi ... was. In her place is a girl that looks an awful lot like my sister, just with the side-tail on the opposite side.

"Nope!" she chirps in Yurie's voice, dressed in a simple messenger's outfit. "General Kyon-nii just needs to lead the troops!"

*nods*

Ah yes, dream characters that are a composite of two people. I've had those.

Maybe "dressed in a simple messenger's outfit" should be moved to the description in the first paragraph. It's a bit odd to stick it there.

Sure-- Like that, this could be fun!

"that, this" is odd. Maybe "Like that, it could actually be fun!"

"Okay," I allow, placing a hand on the messenger's head. I'll leave the image of 'Matsuri' alone, but if Yurie's my ally.... I close my eyes, thinking of how I'd rather the weapons on both side to work, and when I open them, the messenger girl looks more like Yurie.

Observable ironies with regard to both Matsuri being Kyon's opponent, and the fact that Kyon winds up taking Yurie along to help for reals at the end of the chapter. Neat.

Well, not really-- With a few exceptions, I don't think motivational speeches are really my forte. Still, for this game, I'd better, hadn't I? And I'm sure Haruhi's hiding there, as a nearby archer or samurai -- no way would she miss out on watching me win ... or lose.

Right... win and he gets mobbed by Haruhi shadow clones, lose and he gets mobbed by small children's. Either way, Haruhi will have something to watch.

I lose a few minutes of command time hurrying to the new post, but it appears my strategy was good-- Multitudes of generic 'dread-cousins' are captured in warm caramel or smacked with pillow dropped from the angled chutes on the sides of the tower. Based on the numbers, our victory seems certain.

"Smacked with pillows"? Unless you're coining some uncountable noun for cushions used in ballistic combat, like "cannon"?

"And you have done well," she says smoothly, neither of us trying to adopt the classic forms of speech. She rises smoothly and glides forward, producing a rolled scroll from her robes. "As promised, your reward, brave soul! From history, we're starting the coverage of events leading to the Battle of Sekigahara-- Chapter seventeen. Math, as usual, same problem numbers for the next two pages. English is starting chapter twelve, first two pages."

Right-- I try and commit that to memory, nodding.

"And," she says, smirking, "your sister's assignments for Monday and Tuesday. For science, chapter seven review is being reviewed, and she owes a full-page report on..." she trails off and winces, looking away in slight annoyance, "...her Golden Week vacation."

It occurs to me -- as an idle thought -- that a more serious-sounding variation on this (minus Haruhi clones and dread cousins) might have made for a neat "what the hell is going on"? in medias res prologue. Samurai!Kyon leading the troops on behalf of empress!Haruhi who congratulates him... then suddenly starts giving him math homework.

Her lips quirk in a smile, and she adds, "This is traditional for these games, right? You save the 'princess' and get a kiss?"

I stare, my mouth dropping open slightly-- Wait, wait! I'm not sure I'm prepared-- I mean, I guess I have this coming to me? When we first met in that dream that ... well, I reminded her of, I kissed her without even asking permission, so--

"E...er, okay," I cough out, mindful of her sharp gaze on mine. Her eyes narrow slightly, though she looks satisfied with herself for some reason. One hand rises to my chin, and to my surprise she turns my face slightly away, leaning in for--

Oh, a kiss on the cheek? Well, that's fine, I think. As she draws closer, the entire world shakes incredibly violently, and just before she connects I realize I'm blinking up int Matsuri's face as she comes in for--

That, I think, was very reasonably handled.

I stare dumbly as Matsuri raises her head and looks hurt, disoriented from the abrupt transition.

Maybe "hurt and disoriented"?

"Mind your langu--" Aunt Rika starts, poking her head into the room. Wait, was that aloud?

Maybe "wait, I said that out loud" or similar?

"Shut up!" Matsuri cries, tears streaming down her face as she hops to her feet. "I hate you!"

... wow. Maybe people I know just have high standards such that it's inconceivable for them to allow children to yell "shut up" at anyone under any circumstances, but... all I'm thinking on reading this is, girl has issues. I kind of missed it developing to *that* emotionally overwrought level. Then again, that might be because Kyon, the narrator, completely missed it developing to that level as well.

Maybe some thought might need to be put into a couple of shades of plausibility lacquer to this. I may have missed the development due to either being thick (which would be a problem with me), or not considering the cousins except as scenery (which might be a problem for other people who were skimming the cousin parts), or due to actual insufficient development. It came out of the blue for me, since the whole "Matsuri is into Kyon" thing struck me just as a minor bit of quirky comedy before.

"Matsu--" Aunt Rika cuts off with an exasperated sigh as her daughter tears past her and down the hall. Not long after, a door slams with enough force to jar me, and prompt irritated grumbling from the other rooms next to mine. Aunt Rika closes her eyes and forces a deep breath. "Oh, that little..."

Suggest "and to prompt irritated grumbling" to avoid wobbly grammar. (Without it, my brain wants to classify 'prompt' as an adverb for some reason.)

Back to Hal's part:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Completely silly, but then I guess if Kyon was thinking of it as his actual cousins invading, I can see not wanting to hurt them -- even if all of it's entirely imaginary anyway.

Maybe "I can see why he wouldn't want to hurt them."

I look up in surprise as the very person I had in mind bounces up, Mikuru trailing along a bit behind her. "Tsuruya-san! I was just thinking about you!"

"trailing along a bit behind" feels odd in that context, but I'm not really sure what the best way to fix it is... meh.

The green-haired girl breaks into a wide grin at that, plopping down on the edge of the planter where I've made my own seat. "Ohohoho~! What's on your mind, nyoro?"

Something I wanted to ask that you and Brian both probably know better than I do -- I assume the coloured hair is really an anime thing, though it's considered reasonable by fanon to introduce the notion back into the book continuity?

Mikuru hangs back a bit, looking a little uncertain, so I motion her over and pat the edge of the planter opposite to where Tsuruya's sitting. "Come take a seat, Mikuru-chan!" I order. "Anyway, Tsuruya-san, I don't know if Mikuru-chan's told you anything about it yet or not, but Kyon's gotten himself stuck in an actual natural disaster! He was visiting relatives up north for Golden Week, and while he was there the village where his family lives was cut off by mudslides!"

"about it yet or not" is a bit odd. I'd keep one -- either "about it yet" or "about it or not".

"Yeah!" I confirm. "Anyway, from what I've been able to find out they think the village might be cut off for another week or more, and they're having to airlift supplies in while they work on getting the roads cleared and taking care of all the flooding going on up there. There's absolutely no way I'm going to sit back and do nothing while one of my Brigade members is stuck in a situation like that, though, so we're organizing a fundraiser to help out the relief efforts!"

I'd add a comma: "from what I've been able to find out, they think the village might be cut off for another week or more"...

It's a little unusual for me to thank her for something, but Kyon did suggest that I might be able to get more information if I could be her friend more -- and honestly, I've got a good excuse. "For the flyers, of course! That design from yesterday looks great - we'll just need to fill out a little more information about what people can expect to see there and then we can get a ton of them printed up and posted all over the place!"

Peanut gallery regarding "be her friend more": I hope Haruhi doesn't ever learn about the Nanoha style of befriending, she'd like it way too much.

I throw the wrapper for my sanshoku bread away, then head back into the building, thinking about what I've still got to do today. I need to touch base with the light music club and get their help, and check with Sakanaka about the chorus... then there's seeing if Yuki's got any updates about the travel arrangements or supplies we should take in, and getting the flyers finished up and printed so we can start posting them. And then after I get home, I need to check with my neighbor - it was lucky that the neighbor I tutor every now and then actually goes to the same school as Kyon's little sister, so getting her assignments was actually really easy.

Suggest "take along" instead of "take in".

Back to Brian's part:

Spoiler: ShowHide

After breakfast we go straight into 'school' again -- Aunt Rika leads the lessons. Just when my sister seems content to goof off, I spread some of the good cheer that Haruhi lent me. I don't believe it would be possible for my mother to be any happier, considering, but she completely buys my line about thinking I can guess which assignments would be given out.

Incidentally, I always get the unfortunate impression that Kyon's parents must be gullible from the fact that they let Haruhi drag him away on questionable exclusions.

"Mom, dad, I'm going to go away for a week with my club to a remote island in the Pacific."

"What??"

"I mean, there's a mansion on it, so it's not like a completely deserted island."

"Wait, whose mansion? What?"

"Umm.... some guy with some biotechnology startup or something."

"How the hell do you know him?"

"Umm... I don't. Koizumi knows him. I think he's a rich uncle of Koizumi's or something."

"Look, can you the explain why you're so obsessed with going to some deserted island owned by some guy's rich uncle? Can't you just stay home?"

"Umm..."

"Okay, you can go!"

Either that or Kyon has to actively mislead his parents / show advanced skill in framing the issue to them that he doesn't seem to demonstrate, or most likely this is just something that Tanigawa never needed to think through.

When we break for lunch, I stretch, wondering if I'll be running food down to the school, since the mudslide is being left alone. That job is taken by Aunt Mion and Aunt Shion, insisting that they want to help show support for the community.

Suggest "But that job is taken by..."

The only other thing I have to do is read the lucid dreaming book, and I think I've reached the end of what I could learn from that.

Wait... I think there was a paragraph expressing this exact same thought earlier in the chapter. Maybe rephrase this instance as something like:

"The only other thing I could do is read the lucid dreaming book again, but that just feels like too much of a blatant excuse to kill time."

As if to underscore that thought, Yurie darts out of the hall at top speed, skidding to a halt and nearly stumbling into the couch, eyes wide. "Kyon-nii!" she cries. "Matsu-chan is missing!"

Given the dire nature of the news, not sure if "underscore" is the right word. Maybe "as if to prove me wrong" or something else (not sure) with the point being that having nothing to do is not really the worst problem Kyon could be having... as Yurie's news immediately proves.

Well ... this isn't what I would have wanted by a long shot, but enough is enough.

The thought feels a bit muddled as it is now. I assume this isn't what Kyon wanted when he was looking for something to do, but it is something he *has* to do... not sure how to express that suitably.

I don't see leading two little girls back up this trail.

"I don't see myself leading", maybe?

In fact, considering how much we're stumbling and sliding as it is, I doubt I could get up just by myself!

Maybe something like "I doubt I could even make it back up alone!"

... though as a rule, I notice your action scenes often feel more tightly written than the general scenes.

We spend the next few minutes trudging through the rain at a pace slightly slower than a jog -- and faster and we might slip in a muddy patch.

"any faster"?

The ritual storage shed by the shrine? Thinking that, I increase our pace slightly; the shed isn't that far from the river, and with the dam overflowing already, and all this extra rain....

I don't know that I've ever made as fast a trip between Aunt Mion's house and the shrine grounds.

The last sentence doesn't really fit factually with "I increase our pace slightly". I guess edit the first part to remove the 'slightly'?

What occupies my attention is the fact that the river has risen, waters lapping at the muddy soil between us and the shed already. "Matsuri!" I yell, over the storm.

"waters already lapping"?

Barely audible, I can hear Matsuri's pitiable cry for help. So -- Yurie was right. I think that as I reach the door, realizing I've waded through a few meters of ankle-deep and rising water. When I reach the shed's door, the first thing that I notice is that the shed itself seems to be shifted slightly. I'm not sure ... is it sinking into the mud? The foundation slipping?

Redundant "that". Suggest "the first thing I notice".

An unfamiliar statue in the back of the shed shifted, and she's pinned under it, floundering--

Suggest "has shifted".

It takes only a glimpse of her terrified face to goad me into action. Some part of my mind distantly notes that the shed isn't as well constructed as I thought; the floor is earth, not stone. And that means that right now, it's more mud. Likely, that same distant part of my mind observes, it really is just sinking into the mud, and that's what all of the problems we're facing are for.

"are for"? Maybe "and that's the cause of all of the problems we're facing" or similar?

Anyhow, that was a monster of a chapter. Nice work -- sorry I didn't get around to it for so long... I'll see what other C&C I can muster up in the next little while...

[Brian]

After meeting with Haruhi -- finally -- I was able to let myself drift into proper sleep. Morning came around, leaving me to be woken by my younger sister and her giggling.
Aunt Mion is in the doorway, looking amused as my sister dashes away, blanket trailing behind her. At least the gas heating keeps the house warm even without power.

Sudden switch from past tense "morning came around" to present tense "Aunt Mion is in the doorway" is kind of jarring.

Bah.  No one likes my tense switching.

I'll get rid of all of the past-tense stuff, though it'll require minor expansion of every scene to step away from the 'summary' lead-in.

Then again, I've managed to achieve lucid dreaming (or this new thing that Haruhi made up that's really like lucid dreaming), so I suppose there's not as much point? In any case, I make a note of the math assignments that Haruhi mentioned, so I can work on those during the 'school' session with my cousins.

Arbitrary rejiggering suggestion: "or a least this new thing Haruhi made up that's really similar to lucid dreaming".

I'm not going to just ignore it out of hand, but ... why?

Instead I resolved myself to keep doing my best. Haruhi had acknowledged that I was doing that, and she couldn't blame me for the rest, so what else was there?

And... back to past tense again. Probably going to be irritating to fix -_-;;

Just changed 'resolved' to 'resolve'.

And that meant as soon as I was done bathing, helping keep the cousins in line, and more actively trying to help lead them to take their lessons.

This looks like a nasty sentence fragment (although I get the intended structure). Many ways to fix this, e.g.

"And that meant that as soon as I was done bathing, I'd have to help keep the cousins in line, and more actively try to help lead them to take their lessons."

Also, "trying to help lead them" is a wobbly, slightly weaselly phrase which detracts from the overall sense of resolve in the sentence. (Sounds like someone hedging their bets to pass the buck later: "don't look at me! I'm not in charge of this! I was just trying to help lead the initiative!") Anyhow, there's probably a way to collapse this.

Maybe just "more actively try to lead them to take their lessons", without the extra layer of indirection from "help"?

That kind of connotates that the aunts are abandoning Kyon to handle that by himself.  He's a role-model, but the aunts are actually leading the lessons.  I'll expand to make it clearer:

And that meant as soon as I was done bathing, joining the effort to keep the cousins in line.  This, naturally, would be by helping my aunts lead the unruly children to take their lessons more seriously.

Sure, he's not the only authority figure doing this, but his authority in the matter of encouraging to is generally going to be complementary to that of the adults and... anyhow, he makes a unilateral leadership decision later on in this very chapter (to take the kid along in the rain to help search), that the adults would definitely disagree with, so why not have him be less wishy-washy at this point in a matter where you're trying to show his resolve, and he doesn't even have any reason to hesitate?

I ... don't have a constructive response for this.

This kind of exclamation seems (to me) would be more natural if you wrote something like "... what have you done to me? Making me realize I have to take initiative and finish my homework on my own?"

Suggestion:  When changing a very small number of minor details, maybe do something to provide emphasis on your changes, so they're more visible.  I had to re-read it several times to realize you had suggested changing two words.

(I also disagree with the first one; the realization is present tense, but the actual event is past.)

"Today's assignment for me," I tell her, which gets the attention of the other cousins, and my mother to beam me a surprised, pleased smile.

The verb "gets" commanding two different kinds of subordinate clauses... anyhow, some confusing grammar mojo I can't really put my finger on makes this sentence flow awkwardly. I suggest fixing it either by biting the bullet and adding repetition

"which gets the attention of the other cousins, and gets my mother to beam me a surprised, pleased smile."

making it at least easier to comprehend, or fixing it any other way you like.

"Today's assignment for me," I tell her, which gets the attention of the other cousins.  Even my mother looks in from the kitchen to beam me a surprised, pleased smile!

Back to Brian's part:

She nods smoothly, and from the enemy camp, a lone figure steps out. She's armored in gear that looks suspiciously like what a kindergartner or elementary schooler would wear. That is to say, the familiar tsuugaku-bou, or brightly colored yellow hats that children wear for road safety. It also looks slightly like armor, but at a guess, Haruhi was aiming for something silly instead of intimidating.

"kindergartner"? "kindergardener"?

Everything I can find indicates the former.

Ah yes, dream characters that are a composite of two people. I've had those.

More like, Haruhi created the entity, but hadn't ever met Yurie, so just uses Kyon's sister as a template.  She _had_ heard Yurie's voice, though, so....

Maybe "dressed in a simple messenger's outfit" should be moved to the description in the first paragraph. It's a bit odd to stick it there.

Sure.

"Okay," I allow, placing a hand on the messenger's head. I'll leave the image of 'Matsuri' alone, but if Yurie's my ally.... I close my eyes, thinking of how I'd rather the weapons on both side to work, and when I open them, the messenger girl looks more like Yurie.

Observable ironies with regard to both Matsuri being Kyon's opponent, and the fact that Kyon winds up taking Yurie along to help for reals at the end of the chapter. Neat.

[*FORESHADOWING*]

I lose a few minutes of command time hurrying to the new post, but it appears my strategy was good-- Multitudes of generic 'dread-cousins' are captured in warm caramel or smacked with pillow dropped from the angled chutes on the sides of the tower. Based on the numbers, our victory seems certain.

"Smacked with pillows"? Unless you're coining some uncountable noun for cushions used in ballistic combat, like "cannon"?

I can't understand what you're trying to convey here.  You feel 'smacked' is too gentle?  Too rough?

It occurs to me -- as an idle thought -- that a more serious-sounding variation on this (minus Haruhi clones and dread cousins) might have made for a neat "what the hell is going on"? in medias res prologue. Samurai!Kyon leading the troops on behalf of empress!Haruhi who congratulates him... then suddenly starts giving him math homework.

That sounds like the game tropers play with 'Better Than it Sounds' where they typically try and come up with nonsense deliveries that make whatever sound bizzare.  Sometimes it's legit; Planetes really IS 'Janitors ... IN SPACE!' and sometimes they stretch.  Here, it'd be a bit of a stretch.

As an in medias res opening, it'd work, but on chapter eight, well ... that train has sailed.

Oh, a kiss on the cheek? Well, that's fine, I think. As she draws closer, the entire world shakes incredibly violently, and just before she connects I realize I'm blinking up int Matsuri's face as she comes in for--

That, I think, was very reasonably handled.

I really enjoyed writing that sequence.

I stare dumbly as Matsuri raises her head and looks hurt, disoriented from the abrupt transition.

Maybe "hurt and disoriented"?

Er.  No.

I stare dumbly as Matsuri raises her head and looks hurt, but I'm still too disoriented from the abrupt transition to react much further yet.

"Shut up!" Matsuri cries, tears streaming down her face as she hops to her feet. "I hate you!"

... wow. Maybe people I know just have high standards such that it's inconceivable for them to allow children to yell "shut up" at anyone under any circumstances, but... all I'm thinking on reading this is, girl has issues. I kind of missed it developing to *that* emotionally overwrought level. Then again, that might be because Kyon, the narrator, completely missed it developing to that level as well.

Maybe some thought might need to be put into a couple of shades of plausibility lacquer to this. I may have missed the development due to either being thick (which would be a problem with me), or not considering the cousins except as scenery (which might be a problem for other people who were skimming the cousin parts), or due to actual insufficient development. It came out of the blue for me, since the whole "Matsuri is into Kyon" thing struck me just as a minor bit of quirky comedy before.

So, her other temper tantrum didn't register?  Her trying to get Kyon to take a bath with her (more than once)?  The temper tantrum she throws over the suggestion that he's 'on the phone with his girlfriend' when Yuki calls?  The fact that she was the ringleader in hiding Kyon's schoolbooks to force him to 'play' with the cousins by finding them?  The scene where she grabs the phone and yells at Haruhi for 'seducing' Kyon when he calls _her_, and hangs up the phone on her (which, incidentally, is where Yurie speaks with Haruhi)?  The part where -- following that -- she throws another tantrum over being restricted from bothering Kyon in the morning for the rest of the golden week vacation?

Though, it squicked Sars as well, which is a pity; if she hadn't given up on reading the story already, I think she might have enjoyed the 'siege of the dread-cousin army' bit.

Perhaps us Americans are culturally biased to just expect children to be annoying little monsters the vast majority of the time.  It's meant to show that Matsuri's being a brat, and while it may at times be annoying, also makes her a bit obvious as a character to foreshadow and pressage actual character growth as she gets over it.

Well -- I'm sorry it didn't work for you.

Incidentally, I always get the unfortunate impression that Kyon's parents must be gullible from the fact that they let Haruhi drag him away on questionable exclusions.

And their near indifference to the circumstances leading to Kyon being in a coma.  That's what prompted Retrograde, actually; I was trying to deconstruct that.

As if to underscore that thought, Yurie darts out of the hall at top speed, skidding to a halt and nearly stumbling into the couch, eyes wide. "Kyon-nii!" she cries. "Matsu-chan is missing!"

Given the dire nature of the news, not sure if "underscore" is the right word. Maybe "as if to prove me wrong" or something else (not sure) with the point being that having nothing to do is not really the worst problem Kyon could be having... as Yurie's news immediately proves.

Changed to 'counter'.

Well ... this isn't what I would have wanted by a long shot, but enough is enough.

The thought feels a bit muddled as it is now. I assume this isn't what Kyon wanted when he was looking for something to do, but it is something he *has* to do... not sure how to express that suitably.

Kyon: "I'm bored.  I wish there were something interesting happening."
Plot: "YOUR COUSIN IS IN IMPLIED MORTAL DANGER."
Kyon: "I really wish I was still just bored, but can hardly sit around in the face of that!"

I don't see leading two little girls back up this trail.

"I don't see myself leading", maybe?

Sure.

... though as a rule, I notice your action scenes often feel more tightly written than the general scenes.

I've been told that's my strength in writing.  Gotta work on the non-action bits. :x

We spend the next few minutes trudging through the rain at a pace slightly slower than a jog -- and faster and we might slip in a muddy patch.

"any faster"?

Yep.

The ritual storage shed by the shrine? Thinking that, I increase our pace slightly; the shed isn't that far from the river, and with the dam overflowing already, and all this extra rain....

I don't know that I've ever made as fast a trip between Aunt Mion's house and the shrine grounds.

The last sentence doesn't really fit factually with "I increase our pace slightly". I guess edit the first part to remove the 'slightly'?

'slightly increase' meaning 'faster'.  I guess it's possible to connotate that it's not very fast, but the pace was established as nearly jogging, so faster than that....

Since it bothers you, I just dropped the 'slightly'.  It was repetition to a few lines above anyway.

Redundant "that". Suggest "the first thing I notice".

Sure.

An unfamiliar statue in the back of the shed shifted, and she's pinned under it, floundering--

Suggest "has shifted".

"had", since it already happened.  This was implied, but added specifically for clarity.

It takes only a glimpse of her terrified face to goad me into action. Some part of my mind distantly notes that the shed isn't as well constructed as I thought; the floor is earth, not stone. And that means that right now, it's more mud. Likely, that same distant part of my mind observes, it really is just sinking into the mud, and that's what all of the problems we're facing are for.

"are for"? Maybe "and that's the cause of all of the problems we're facing" or similar?

Alright.

Anyhow, that was a monster of a chapter. Nice work -- sorry I didn't get around to it for so long... I'll see what other C&C I can muster up in the next little while...

Thanks for the feedback, Arakawa.

[Arakawa]

Again, it seems I was being more irritating than I have need to be ._.

I'll clarify my comments when I get home, but regarding Matsuri: I guess I failed to get across where exactly she crosses a line. It's realistic that she would throw a tantrum over this or any other silly thing, it was just a stretch to imagine a child saying outright "I hate you!" to an adult. It strikes me as associated with the context of the child being a horrible brat, or being a ordinary child subjected to some abuse that would genuinely drive her to hatred. Neither is really the case here.

That, in the end, is very possibly a failure of imagination on my part due to having been lucky in the range of children I had to deal with....

[Brian]

I think you're giving Matsuri too much credit in thinking she really understands the significance of what she's saying.  For what it's worth, translators seem to take any degree of 'dislike' to equate to 'hate'.  If it bothers you so much, I'll try and come up with something else a bratty child might shout at a heated moment.

I think "You suck!" doesn't sound IC or convey enough hurt for what follows.

[Arakawa]

The amount of times I basically lost track of my own point shows I'm out of practice at this C&C thing :-P

Then again, I've managed to achieve lucid dreaming (or this new thing that Haruhi made up that's really like lucid dreaming), so I suppose there's not as much point? In any case, I make a note of the math assignments that Haruhi mentioned, so I can work on those during the 'school' session with my cousins.

Arbitrary rejiggering suggestion: "or at least this new thing Haruhi made up that's really similar to lucid dreaming".

I'm not going to just ignore it out of hand, but ... why?

I think what I didn't like about the original sentence was repeated 'that': "thing that Haruhi made up that's really like". Then removing the that inspired me to rejigger the entire sentence... anyhow, there are probably other rejiggerings that get rid of the extra 'that'. Up to you if you want to bother.

That kind of connotates that the aunts are abandoning Kyon to handle that by himself.  He's a role-model, but the aunts are actually leading the lessons.  I'll expand to make it clearer:

And that meant as soon as I was done bathing, joining the effort to keep the cousins in line.  This, naturally, would be by helping my aunts lead the unruly children to take their lessons more seriously.

That will probably work.

<blah blah blah>

I ... don't have a constructive response for this.

Well, since it was all an attempt to justify the preceding suggestion... and you wound up clarifying what you meant... not sure a constructive response is necessary.

What non-constructive response did you have in mind?

Suggestion:  When changing a very small number of minor details, maybe do something to provide emphasis on your changes, so they're more visible.  I had to re-read it several times to realize you had suggested changing two words.

(I also disagree with the first one; the realization is present tense, but the actual event is past.)

Okay, I'll keep that in mind. I make the same mistake later on ^_^;; observe:

"Smacked with pillows"? Unless you're coining some uncountable noun for cushions used in ballistic combat, like "cannon"?

I can't understand what you're trying to convey here.  You feel 'smacked' is too gentle?  Too rough?

... here the comment had nothing to do with 'smacked'; I was actually pointing out that you wrote "pillow" instead of "pillows" in your version:

Multitudes of generic 'dread-cousins' are captured in warm caramel or smacked with pillow...

As you can see, that suggestion of yours to be more clear is indeed necessary.

That sounds like the game tropers play with 'Better Than it Sounds' where they typically try and come up with nonsense deliveries that make whatever sound bizzare.  Sometimes it's legit; Planetes really IS 'Janitors ... IN SPACE!' and sometimes they stretch.  Here, it'd be a bit of a stretch.

Yeah, that was more of a peanut gallery observation... not surprised that tropers like to play that game.

As an in medias res opening, it'd work, but on chapter eight, well ... that train has sailed.

Mixed metaphors are maximum fun!

I think you're giving Matsuri too much credit in thinking she really understands the significance of what she's saying.  For what it's worth, translators seem to take any degree of 'dislike' to equate to 'hate'.  If it bothers you so much, I'll try and come up with something else a bratty child might shout at a heated moment.

I think "You suck!" doesn't sound IC or convey enough hurt for what follows.

Yeah, I'm not sure what to suggest... one other plausible alternative for what could happen is that Matsuri could be frustrated enough by that point to react like that, but Aunt Rika would probably call that out as even more unacceptable behaviour. I can't see how to convey that without disrupting the way the rest of the scene plays out, though.

You're right, you might want to just ignore me on this. (I'll just imagine Aunt Rika going and telling Matsuri off, offscreen.) Since -- again, to be clear -- it's this one thing Matsuri does that seems out of place, not the general sequence of 'she keeps chasing Kyon, throws a tantrum, gets grounded, wanders off'. And I certainly didn't get squicked by it, it just... stood out as being way outside what I thought would be acceptable behaviour; either Matsuri wouldn't say that in the first place, or Aunt Rika would be fairly livid to see her crossing that line, not just sigh it off.

Anyways...

Other than that, I hope the C&C was helpful.

[Brian]

... here the comment had nothing to do with 'smacked'; I was actually pointing out that you wrote "pillow" instead of "pillows" in your version:

Yeah, that wasn't clear.  It also didn't help that it had already been corrected, so I couldn't find that typo in the master file. >_>;

Yeah, that was more of a peanut gallery observation... not surprised that tropers like to play that game.

By 'game' I meant "actually shoehorning in everything they like into the 'Better Than it Sounds' page." >_>

Yeah, I'm not sure what to suggest... one other plausible alternative for what could happen is that Matsuri could be frustrated enough by that point to react like that, but Aunt Rika would probably call that out as even more unacceptable behaviour. I can't see how to convey that without disrupting the way the rest of the scene plays out, though.

You're right, you might want to just ignore me on this. (I'll just imagine Aunt Rika going and telling Matsuri off, offscreen.) Since -- again, to be clear -- it's this one thing Matsuri does that seems out of place, not the general sequence of 'she keeps chasing Kyon, throws a tantrum, gets grounded, wanders off'. And I certainly didn't get squicked by it, it just... stood out as being way outside what I thought would be acceptable behaviour; either Matsuri wouldn't say that in the first place, or Aunt Rika would be fairly livid to see her crossing that line, not just sigh it off.

Well, in Rika's case specifically, she has *beat* ungodly patience.

Other than that, I hope the C&C was helpful.

Thanks for the feedback.

[Halbarad]

It's bad when it takes you a full minute just to find your own thread.

Anyway, after a long hiatus due to work insanity and author laziness, chapter 9 is ready. Comments welcomed - I'm a little worried about this seeming disjointed since it was written in snips over several months.

[JonBob]

The secret's out!

Spoiler: ShowHide

Not much to say for a first impression, but Haruhi is remarkably calm about finding out Mikuur's true secret, but I suppose she's been prepped for it well. Also, i find it very interesting that Atlantis is persistent even into the future. Seems like their work is better constructed than they thought!

[oso]

I've been lurking on these forums for awhile, mainly for reading KBDH, IYD, and looking for recommendations. Thought this time I would make some comments:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Her real apartment is fairly plain, but feminine where there's something to be noticed -- flowers, lots of pink and pastels, that kind of thing

Although this can be hand-waved, I don't ever recall Haruhi ever being at Mikuru's place before. Also, if this is Mikuru's home in the far future, I would think that there would be some futuristic gizmos around the dream apartment that Haruhi couldn't identify that would further key Haruhi into thinking that the rooms were out of place for Mikuru's dream.

"C'mon, Mikuru-chan, it's a _dream_. You couldn't fall off that thing if you didn't want to! At least as long as you remember that it's a dream, anyway."

I can feel the sweat starting to bead on my forehead before she finally gives up, shaking her head as she heads back out to the main room of the apartment with a sigh.

Silly Haruhi. You should remember your own advice. You can't involuntarily show signs of nervousness if you don't want to.

"I'm not... very good at doing things this way, so... sorry in advance if I come across as pushy or mean here -- I'm really trying _not_ to."

When I say this aloud to myself, putting emphasis on the word "not" sounds out of place to me. I suggest not italicizing or boldfacing "not" here.

"Going forward, though, keep coming to the dream! Actually... be _really_ sure to come tomorrow night - Kyon's definitely going to need to be brought in for this!"

I wonder if Kyon will put two and two together and realize that Mikuru was told to introduce Haruhi to lucid dreaming because it was time to let the secret out. "Big" Mikuru already knows the secret is out. Otherwise, I doubt "dreamtime" would be possible in the future since Haruhi would not have created it.


Fun chapter and excelent storytelling. Hope to see more soon.