[Haruhi] In Your Dreams

[sarsaparilla]

Okay, this is partially intentional.  I want it to be daunting to a new reader, but not enough that they give up.  I want Matsuri, Rika, and Yurie to stand out and the rest to pretty much jumble together.  Shutaro gets his 'girls are icky' jokes, and Mion's a presense, too, but only those first three are really going to be important.

After one full and one cursory re-read the only new name that I even recognize is Matsuri, but that's just because of my specific disability (I need a lot of time before I have a sufficiently detailed mental model of a person so that s/he stops being part of the impersonal background). So, you shouldn't use this as an overall measure of success, but as a single point of observation that Matsuri is indeed standing out to a sufficient degree (so that even I could pick it up). If you want, I can keep track of when other non-Haruhiverse characters cross my recognition threshold, and it can be used as the worst-case scenario for somebody who's very slow on the intake in this respect (and not familiar with Higurashi).

[Arakawa]

By the way, congrats on posting the first chapter to ffn, guys!

... although I'm not sure how ironic it is that Brian is being led to (indirectly) put material on that site again.

I remember mentioning to someone in real life I was trying out the fanfiction thing.

"Wait, on ff.net? Ugh."

"Well, true, it is like the YouTube of fanfiction, the quality's all over the place."

*person shakes head and points out the large proportion of Harry Potter slashfics -- i.e. it's worse than YouTube in their opinion*

"Meh, I'm too lazy to get actual hosting."

Anyhow, digressions aside, I noticed that the revised first chapter is up on ffn, and I felt like pointing it out.

(And, Hal, remember that my yandere criticism is always hugely overblown; the awesomeness quotient in all revisions of the chapter was pretty awesome. Yeah, not sure if I could phrase that better. Consider this post to be in the style of an ffn review.)

[Muphrid]

I admit, the passages with all the cousins about are a bit difficult to parse, if only because I'm not as intimately familiar with them.  Being dumped with all the kids certainly seems fitting, but it also means that the unfamiliar reader should make notes, or a family tree, to make sure they can keep track of the children.

Okay, this is partially intentional.  I want it to be daunting to a new reader, but not enough that they give up.  I want Matsuri, Rika, and Yurie to stand out and the rest to pretty much jumble together.  Shutaro gets his 'girls are icky' jokes, and Mion's a presense, too, but only those first three are really going to be important.

If someone's familiar with Higurashi, then that's a bonus -- but I also don't want it to get to the point where this is more crossover than cameo.  Thus, Yurie and Matsuri's screentime is most important; I'll touch on the goal I'm aiming for with Rika's character shortly.  Extra bonus for anyone familiar with the cousins from other stories, too -- but not required reading for this story.

Experiment successful in that respect, then; Matsuri in particular just refused to be ignored.

That said, I can see how trying to give them a thematic contribution might feel shoehorned and not be worth the effort to pull off.  Nevertheless, knowing the diverse and varied Higurashi cast, I can't help but wonder what insights they would have into dreaming.  Kyon isn't the type to ask for that much help, but he is lugging this book around.  He's already been noticed trying to do a reality check.

Well, it wasn't my original intent, but Rika can serve as a mentor role for Kyon; the bit where she reinforces his reality checks seems to map to that pretty well, and it's also fitting considering her training, etc.

My greater worry about giving the Hinamizawa crew (and the Higurashi cast, specifically) more screen-time is that it moves it from 'bonus material' to 'required reading'.  However, if I use just Rika, since I think her insight should be the most profound anyway ... that may work, and already be foreshadowed just by the 'wise shrine-maiden' bit.  I'm not sure; I'll have to see where I am in chapter four, which I'm not even worried about outlining at this point. :p

Thanks for the feedback; I'll try and get those other revisions I was looking at yesterday (courtesy of Agasa) finished soon.  :)

That's a fair point and a fair solution if you choose to pursue it.  Rika definitely seems to be in the right position to give, er, some unconventional guidance.

[Brian]

After one full and one cursory re-read the only new name that I even recognize is Matsuri, but that's just because of my specific disability (I need a lot of time before I have a sufficiently detailed mental model of a person so that s/he stops being part of the impersonal background). So, you shouldn't use this as an overall measure of success, but as a single point of observation that Matsuri is indeed standing out to a sufficient degree (so that even I could pick it up). If you want, I can keep track of when other non-Haruhiverse characters cross my recognition threshold, and it can be used as the worst-case scenario for somebody who's very slow on the intake in this respect (and not familiar with Higurashi).

Okay, that works fine for me; I'd like to know when (and if) these characters have an impact/register.  Certainly, I don't want to overplay the importance of the ones who don't have significant roles....  Thank you; I appreciate that. :)

Experiment successful in that respect, then; Matsuri in particular just refused to be ignored.

Matsuri is potentially annoying, but she's meant to be (in a somewhat endearing, very childish way).  I do want to make sure I don't go overboard and have readers gritting their teeth in exasperation when she's onscreen, though, so if she's fine where she is, that'll work too.

...she's not too annoying, is she? :x

That's a fair point and a fair solution if you choose to pursue it.  Rika definitely seems to be in the right position to give, er, some unconventional guidance.

I'll try and use that in future chapters, then; glad it seems to be working.  Thanks greatly, Muphrid.

[Muphrid]

To me, Matsuri's fine.  Probably annoying or uncomfortable to Kyon, but funny to read because she's ultimately harmless.

[Brian]

Quick follow up (and thanks, by the way, Muprhid, for that feedback); on the offhand chance anyone is taking grammar notes from this thread, I typoed a response to Muphrid on his question of the proper placement of commas with regard to single-quotes.

The correct usage should put the comma inside quotation, not outside; I corrected it and then gave the wrong response in-thread; mea culpa.  >.<

[Halbarad]

And after the joy that holiday insanity provides, a third chapter is ready for perusal.

A major concern here is length; the chapter ended up running a lot longer than expected, and while I don't think there's a lot of fat to be trimmed (it's just covering a lot of ground), please point out anything that you think could be snipped without losing too much.

[Agasa]

Little typo: "I leWt out a sharp sigh at that" should probably be "I let out a sharp sigh at that".
Nothing else, either you're a good typist or i'm an awful proofreader.

[Anastasia]

And after the joy that holiday insanity provides, a third chapter is ready for perusal.

A major concern here is length; the chapter ended up running a lot longer than expected, and while I don't think there's a lot of fat to be trimmed (it's just covering a lot of ground), please point out anything that you think could be snipped without losing too much.

It is pretty long. I like long chapters, but this one really seemed to go on and on and on and on. I don't think there's much that can be cut, it's just the way it worked out. Otherwise I liked it and didn't see any particular typos. Haruhi's internal musings are interesting, a little more interesting than Kyon's so far. Maybe it's because I'm missing the crossover references, dunno.

[Grahf]

If you felt you had to cut anything I'd suggest Haruhi talking about the second day out. You even have her say that it almost isn't worth talking about, it kind of just boils down to "Koizumi is being a killjoy, Yuki was in a hurry about something, and I'm bored and wonder how Kyon is doing." and it just seems a little oddly verbose in getting that information across. I did think that the Haruhi wanting to try and cross the nightingale floor was cute though.

The dreams are of course the bread and butter here and I can't see where you'd be able to cut any out without lessening the overall impact. Sorry I can't offer anything other than that.

[sarsaparilla]

I didn't find the chapter the least bit too long, as the scenes were interesting enough to hold my attention all the way through. Two passages that I found especially engaging were the interaction between Haruhi and Yuki on the first trip, starting with the humorous contrast between their personalities and then getting progressively more serious and significant; and the variations on the dream SOS Brigade where Haruhi processed her hidden fears and desires through several retakes of the same basic premise.

I got a feeling that there must have been references to something (and probably many different somethings) all over the chapter, but I couldn't recognize any.

Some specific observations:

Haruhi going to the train station but not revealing herself to Kyon feels slightly OOC, as I'm used to seeing her charge into each situation head on regardless of circumstances. I would have expected her to either consider going there but deciding against it, or going there and be seen, coming up with some excuse for it.

Concerning leaving one's body in a lucid dream, my own experience is that it's rather easy to leave the body, essentially becoming a disembodied point-of-view and even seeing your body from the outside; but at the same time it's impossible to return back to the same body. You can forcibly occupy the same space that the body does but it doesn't merge the two of you any more than locating yourself inside a brick wall makes you become the wall. Thus, I've found it much easier to create myself a new body when needed. Though, as already mentioned several times, your mileage may vary a lot, depending on the mind of the person dreaming. (Edit: on the whole, the lucid dream sequences were very well done and felt completely plausible, this OOB thing was the only (and very minor) detail that I even felt a need to comment on, so kudos for doing the research even if you've said that it's largely beside the point of the story!)

Do people really say "crossing my arms under my breasts"? To me, it comes through as an odd and awkward way to express the issue when just "crossing my arms" would suffice, unless the person in question has so saggy breasts that it's indeed feasible to put stuff 'under' them. This phrase is used twice in the chapter.

[Halbarad]

If you felt you had to cut anything I'd suggest Haruhi talking about the second day out. You even have her say that it almost isn't worth talking about, it kind of just boils down to "Koizumi is being a killjoy, Yuki was in a hurry about something, and I'm bored and wonder how Kyon is doing." and it just seems a little oddly verbose in getting that information across. I did think that the Haruhi wanting to try and cross the nightingale floor was cute though.

I tried to keep this relatively short, but it seemed like cutting this down to an aside at the beginning of a dream sequence would interrupt the flow of the chapter - it'd basically be skipping from one dream directly into another, with a small aside between.

I didn't find the chapter the least bit too long, as the scenes were interesting enough to hold my attention all the way through. Two passages that I found especially engaging were the interaction between Haruhi and Yuki on the first trip, starting with the humorous contrast between their personalities and then getting progressively more serious and significant; and the variations on the dream SOS Brigade where Haruhi processed her hidden fears and desires through several retakes of the same basic premise.

Glad to hear it! The Brigades were mostly a fun idea of "what would happen if the 'real' Haruhi (or as close as I can come to representing her, at least) ran into some of the more common fanfic flanderizations of the Brigade?"

The Yuki thing was basically an accident; I didn't really expect or plan for that little discussion to happen, and was kind of the first warning sign that the chapter was going to wind up a doozy. Really liked the way it went though, so I didn't want to cut it down or remove it.

I got a feeling that there must have been references to something (and probably many different somethings) all over the chapter, but I couldn't recognize any.

The biggest one that I think people might pick up on is the opening of the first dream. I doubt these will see much speculation, so I'll go ahead and spoil them here.

Spoiler: ShowHide

The first dream landscape (with the floating islands) is basically the Kingdom of Zeal from the game Chrono Trigger.

The staircase leading up to a circle of pillars from the same scene is a really obscure reference that I'd be shocked to see anyone but Brian or myself recognize - it's from a forum RPG that he ran a few years ago called "The Day After Tomorrow". Those curious about it can find it down among the old games forums. =P

The rainforest scene afterwards was mostly inspired by the Pixar movie "Up".

And another obvious one, the morphing landscapes (and particularly the 'folding up skyscrapers' scene) were inspired by "Inception".

At least for Haruhi's side, I'll probably continue to include some video game references in some of her crazier dream landscapes - it ended up getting cut due to a misunderstanding about which day Haruhi and Kyon met in the dream, but there was also a dream opening where Haruhi was on one of the symphonic towers from the Ar tonelico series. I'd expect to see this one pop up again later.

Some specific observations:

Haruhi going to the train station but not revealing herself to Kyon feels slightly OOC, as I'm used to seeing her charge into each situation head on regardless of circumstances. I would have expected her to either consider going there but deciding against it, or going there and be seen, coming up with some excuse for it.

If this is too jarring it can be removed. The original thought was that Haruhi would go to the station fully intending to harass Kyon and say goodbye, but after seeing him and his dad struggling with luggage, she actually stopped and just watched instead. With the way the chapter 2 scene is written it'd be easy enough to get rid of, and we can just imply that Nonoko caught sight of one of the other Brigade members doing the same thing.

Concerning leaving one's body in a lucid dream, my own experience is that it's rather easy to leave the body, essentially becoming a disembodied point-of-view and even seeing your body from the outside; but at the same time it's impossible to return back to the same body. You can forcibly occupy the same space that the body does but it doesn't merge the two of you any more than locating yourself inside a brick wall makes you become the wall. Thus, I've found it much easier to create myself a new body when needed. Though, as already mentioned several times, your mileage may vary a lot, depending on the mind of the person dreaming. (Edit: on the whole, the lucid dream sequences were very well done and felt completely plausible, this OOB thing was the only (and very minor) detail that I even felt a need to comment on, so kudos for doing the research even if you've said that it's largely beside the point of the story!)

I'll... probably just leave that as is if it's fairly minor, overall. Glad to hear that it was mostly accurate, though! =D On that note, however, I might disclaim this chapter as starting to show some divergence between real lucid dreaming and what's in the story, as the differences are probably going to become more pronounced from here.

Do people really say "crossing my arms under my breasts"? To me, it comes through as an odd and awkward way to express the issue when just "crossing my arms" would suffice, unless the person in question has so saggy breasts that it's indeed feasible to put stuff 'under' them. This phrase is used twice in the chapter.

I'm going to chalk this up to an artifact of my gender. >.> As a guy, the eye tends to be drawn to that part of a woman's body already, and when said woman crosses their arms, it tends to have something of a framing effect on that area, drawing the eye even more. Haruhi likely wouldn't give it a second thought though, and since this is her narration, these will be removed.

[Muphrid]

Following the deaths, the dam design was complemented with a series of levees intended to prevent the dam's waters from submerging most of the villages that would have been destroyed by the original design. With these modifications in place, the protests from the villagers were mostly silenced, and the construction of the dam was resumed.

Suggest "construction of the dam resumed" to avoid passive voice.

I rub my eyes a bit, closing the laptop and settling back in my chair - it's getting pretty late. There hasn't been much going on since Kyon left for Hinamizawa yesterday; I ended up heading over to the station to see him off, but it looked like they were having enough trouble with his little sister and all their luggage. Rather than barge into the middle of all that, I just waited around until their train left the station. I'm not sure, but I think Kyon's little sister might have seen me. If she did, though, she didn't say anything to Kyon or her parents about it that I could see.

Suggest cutting "though" in the last sentence somehow; it doesn't strike me as necessary.

So without anything better to do, I decided to read up on this Hinamizawa place. Kyon wasn't kidding when he said the place was out in the middle of nowhere; the closest major city looks like it's Aomori, and just the train trip out <i>that</i> far is something like six hours at least. The big hydroelectric dam seems to be the only major thing anywhere near the village itself, but reading up on it did at least turn up a few links to some pretty wild local legends - a demon god that punishes sins by killing the villagers, and an old human sacrifice ritual that they still perform (in a way) today?

Repetition of "place" is underlined.  The second could be replaced by, say, "village" or something similar.

As far as the dreaming stuff goes, I've made a little bit of progress, but not much. I'd only gotten through the first couple of chapters by Friday night, so I didn't get to try much out at that point; I don't even remember anything about my dreams from that night. Last night I at least remembered part of my dream, but only a few fragments of it - I was walking around on the ceiling while everyone else was on the ground, but past that I can't remember any details. I think I'll have better luck tonight, though - I finished up the rest of the book earlier today and I've been doing those reality checks all day, so I should be ready.

Reptition of "night" is underlined.  I think the third one is the only one I'd consider tweaking--perhaps "last night" -> "yesterday"?  I think you can cut "at least" also, as well as "though".

The first indication I have that things aren't completely normal is the silence. I'm used to tuning out all the noise of people around me to concentrate on what I've got on my mind, but this time there's absolutely nothing to ignore: no voices, no footsteps, not even birds or insects. Other than that, though, things seem fairly normal. I'm at the shopping arcade near Kitaguchi station, and everything looks like what I remember aside from the deathly quiet and the blank gray sky. It's not quite like an overcast sky, since there's no sign of any clouds, but just a blank featureless gray.

"This time" -> "Here"?  I feel like "this time" means to contrast against some other specific time or place which it doesn't.

There's another "though" in this paragraph that I don't think is necessary.  To give you an idea, you seem to use "though" around 70 times in this chapter.  In contrast, I use it in The Coin chapter seven (which is about 2000 words shorter) less than 15 times.  I'm not saying you should use it as little as that, but you may wish to review each usage and decide if you like them or not.  I'll not remark on them further.

"station" -> "Station", suggest "It's not quite like an overcast sky" -> "It's not quite overcast"

Now that I recognize it as a dream, though, I take stock of where I am a little more closely. It's definitely the shopping district downtown, but when I look closer a lot of the details just aren't there - the signs are blurry, and some of the stuff on display in shop windows are indistinct blobs - and when I think about it, most of  those shops are places I've never been or paid attention to before, so it kind of makes sense that I wouldn't be able to get any details right about them in my dreams.

I suggest replacing "look closer" somehow to avoid repeating from "closely".  There's some fuzzy subject-verb agreement in "some of the stuff ... are indistinct blobs".

That aside, though... this place seems really dull, at least for a dream. There are no people, no noises, not even the air moving - at least, there's nothing moving until I spot a few points of red light crossing the sky. Maybe they're airplanes? But then, why would those be moving when I'm not seeing any people, or bicycles or cars or trains or any other kinds of vehicles? Just as I've made up my mind to take a closer look, though, they seem to vanish into the horizon - and I'm not so interested that I want to spend the entire time running around this grey world trying to find them again.

Suggest removing, uh, at least one of those "at least"s, if only for proximity.

Here you spell "grey" but elsewhere you spell "gray"?

The longer I spend here, though, the more I feel like this place is here <i>waiting</i> for something, basically. It's hard to describe, but the impression I get is that this is like a blank canvas, waiting to be painted over with something more interesting. I consider trying to change it, but then I figure I'd better get an idea of what I'm working with first, before I try to alter it.

I don't think the "here" I've underlined is necessary.

I let my mind wander, literally; I get the impression I could make myself fly here, but I decide to try something different - leaving my body where it is and sending my perceptions out to explore, sort of an out-of-body experience. It's sort of like what you see in the movies, where the camera just zooms out and pans across the landscape - it doesn't really feel like I'm flying, just that my view is changing. As I come to the edge of Nishinomiya, though, the world just seems to stop; it's like there's a border between the grey space I'm in and what's outside of it. Just as an experiment, I try moving it - and sure enough, I can feel the space getting larger as I push at it. I decide not to go crazy with it, though; with most of Nishinomiya already in here, I've got plenty of room to play around in.

I have no particular vendetta against "here," but I think the underlined one could be better replaced by "in this place" to make more clear it's that instead of flying "here" from somewhere else.

Once I let my awareness return to my body, I decide to try a few things out, just to see what I can do. Flying is the obvious thing - the book mentioned it as one of the most common things to do in a lucid dream - but I sort of just did that, and I'm more interested in seeing what else I can do. With as empty as this place is, there's one obvious thing to start with, and so I do it, closing my eyes to concentrate for a moment. When I open them, Kyon is standing in front of me with a completely neutral expression on his face, dressed in his usual school uniform. I can't help but smirk as I walk around him, checking out my own handiwork; the 'Kyon' doesn't react to me at all, though, standing there more or less like a mannequin - although he isn't one, as he feels warm when I touch his face. A moment of concentration and I'm able to make him put on his usual sour look and cross his arms, although I have to specifically think about it to get him to move at all - it's like controlling a puppet in a way.

"the 'Kyon'" -> "this 'Kyon'"?

"All right, the guided tour starts in an hour! Koizumi, Mikuru-chan, you two are a group; look for anything particularly unusual and report back here in 45 minutes!" I point at the two Brigade members in question, who just nod in reply. "We'll need to be prepared so we can dig for details on some of the less well-known things about the castle! I'll be doing the same with Yuki - so don't be late meeting back up!"

Koizumi-kun.

The answer, when it comes, gives me the urge to facepalm - Yuki just holds up a travel guide for Himeji Castle, something I should not only have guessed but expected from our resident bookworm. I shake my head in reply, hiding a smile; it's nice to see people being predictable, even if I'm not paying enough attention to realize it.

Very clever, Nagato.  Very clever.

"Hey, Yuki-chan," I start off, looking over at the light-haired girl. Her only response is to look me in the eyes, the vaguest hint of expectation - or maybe curiosity? - in her stare. Score one for the model so far.

"Yuki-chan" is a deliberate deviation from Haruhi's normal mode of addressing her ("Yuki")?  If not, there are at least two other instances of it.

She shakes her head. "Additional knowledge makes relying on the simpler model unsatisfactory, as it may obviously contradict results predicted by that model."

"It" being "additional knowledge"?  If it is, then I understand.

"Like, for example, when we were making the movie," I start out hesitantly, looking away from Yuki. "When I got Mikuru-chan drunk at Tsuruya's house - I completely didn't expect Kyon to get that upset about it." I look up at the leaves of the tree above me, the words feeling like they're coming from someone else. "I knew he was upset - I was trying to push his buttons, so it's not like I didn't expect that - but I had no idea he was <i>that</i> angry."

Tsuruya-san.

"So maybe you're not an alien or an esper like I've been looking for, but that doesn't mean you can't be amazing in other ways! Even normal humans can be inventors or visionaries or geniuses and change the way the world works - that could be you, too!" It feels a little weird to be echoing something Kyon said to me, even if he was taking it in a totally different direction. "With all the thought you've put into this mental model thing, maybe you <i>can</i> come up with a better picture of how the mind works - how we get from nerve cells firing off in our heads to the Mona Lisa or Beethoven's 5th Symphony. Or maybe since you like sci-fi books a lot, you could become a writer, and take those ideas and give them your own spin and then inspire other people to try to make the things you write become real!

This is a nice moment on the whole between Haruhi and Nagato.  It's positive for Haruhi's improved view on the world and to show that she genuinely cares about other people.

I'm curious about what Mikuru was talking about, but we've got a tour to catch up with - I definitely want to look into this, but it'll have to wait for now!

I do hope Haruhi does follow up on this--it would take at least a cursory excuse from Asahina to explain this away.

The end of the trip is a huge letdown. It takes us a lot longer than expected to catch up with the tour; since we didn't see it leave, no one is quite sure which direction they went to start with, although Yuki managed to guess pretty well - or maybe she had an idea from the travel guide she read; I'm not sure. We don't actually reach the tour group until they get to Okiku's Well itself, and the tour guide is just finishing up the story of how her ghost can be heard counting dishes at night. I'm familiar with the story, so there's nothing really new there, but one thing I'd always wanted to do was try coming here at night to see if I could hear the ghost.

It may be useful to do "her ghost" -> "Okiku's ghost" if I'm reading this right.

While this is an amazing place, and one I <i>definitely</i> want to take more time to explore, it's also not the main thing I want to concentrate on here right this minute - and that's finding Kyon's dreams. There's a stone bench next to the path here; I'm not quite sure whether it was here when I started walking or whether it just showed up now when I stopped to look, but either way I guess it doesn't really matter - it gives me a place to sit down and think about what I'm doing.

Suggest removing the underlined "here".

I really don't feel like getting into it, though, so I more or less just blow him off - but it kind of takes the wind out of my sails on trying to sneak around to see the off-limits part of the castle, too, since just about every time I make up my mind to try something he seems to notice that I'm upset and asks me about it - and won't take the hint to just leave me alone either. Whatever, it's not like it's all that important anyway.

Since you only use it twice, it's not criminal, but I do notice that this is the second time you've used the "wind out of my sails" saying.

I don't really look around the house yet, though; what's more interesting is seeing the butler here at all. While I really doubt this is the <i>real</i> Arakawa-san, it's still the first example I've had of another person acting independently from me.

Careful; you haven't had honorifics in narration all chapter.

"Asahina!" Koizumi barks, sounding far more angry than I did. I'll admit to being seriously annoyed at her acting like that, but Koizumi... if I didn't know better, I'd say he was on the verge of throwing her out bodily. "Kyon-kun has duties to the Brigade, and as such they supersede anything you have in mind!"

Asahina-san.

I snatch it away almost immediately, though. "Koizumi, what the hell?"

Koizumi-kun.


I like that Haruhi feels a bit guilty for losing her temper over a dream Kyon's insubordination and recognizes that he was similar enough that her feelings were real even if he wasn't.

After a long, sleepless night, stuck listening to rain patter against the windows, I manage to struggle out of bed. I feel like hell, and with the rain showing no signs of letting up I'm not particularly inclined to go out and do anything today. Even before I bother to wash my face, I get text messages sent to the rest of the Brigade to cancel the trip for today. I don't even bother checking for replies for now; it's still early enough that they shouldn't have left for the station yet anyway. Probably a good thing, too, since I'm really having to struggle to get moving this morning.

Suggest "I get text messages sent" -> "I send text messages" because before "sent" is processed, the image is that of Haruhi receiving messages.


I'll be interested to see what exactly Asahina and her people were trying to do.  Influencing Haruhi's feelings toward dissatisfaction with the castle visits and more time in dreams seems pretty straightforward, but the reason for doing so is still a mystery.  Now the narratives are at the same point again, so we can see what Kyon has in store.

[Halbarad]

I'll take a leaf from Brian's book here: if I don't comment on something directly, assume I used it.

As far as the dreaming stuff goes, I've made a little bit of progress, but not much. I'd only gotten through the first couple of chapters by Friday night, so I didn't get to try much out at that point; I don't even remember anything about my dreams from that night. Last night I at least remembered part of my dream, but only a few fragments of it - I was walking around on the ceiling while everyone else was on the ground, but past that I can't remember any details. I think I'll have better luck tonight, though - I finished up the rest of the book earlier today and I've been doing those reality checks all day, so I should be ready.

Reptition of "night" is underlined.  I think the third one is the only one I'd consider tweaking--perhaps "last night" -> "yesterday"?  I think you can cut "at least" also, as well as "though".

The 'night' reference was updated, but 'at least' needs to stay - she's not completely satisfied that she didn't have a lucid dream, but she's admitting that there was a small degree of progress regardless. Got rid of the 'though', however.

The first indication I have that things aren't completely normal is the silence. I'm used to tuning out all the noise of people around me to concentrate on what I've got on my mind, but this time there's absolutely nothing to ignore: no voices, no footsteps, not even birds or insects. Other than that, though, things seem fairly normal. I'm at the shopping arcade near Kitaguchi station, and everything looks like what I remember aside from the deathly quiet and the blank gray sky. It's not quite like an overcast sky, since there's no sign of any clouds, but just a blank featureless gray.

"This time" -> "Here"?  I feel like "this time" means to contrast against some other specific time or place which it doesn't.

Switched this to 'in this case'. She's not specifically referring to another dream situation, but other situations where she's been at the station.

There's another "though" in this paragraph that I don't think is necessary.  To give you an idea, you seem to use "though" around 70 times in this chapter.  In contrast, I use it in The Coin chapter seven (which is about 2000 words shorter) less than 15 times.  I'm not saying you should use it as little as that, but you may wish to review each usage and decide if you like them or not.  I'll not remark on them further.

Ugh. Guilty as charged; I've noted it myself at times (and had deleted a few before I even tossed the chapter up). I'll be reviewing and clearing out some of the unnecessary usage. At least the word can usually be deleted without having to restructure a sentence.

EDIT: After revision, cut this down to 26 uses - which in a chapter this length, doesn't seem too unreasonable.

"station" -> "Station", suggest "It's not quite like an overcast sky" -> "It's not quite overcast"

Station changed (I thought I had capitalized it, odd). The sky comment needs to stay as is, although I'll clarify it - the sky isn't cloudy, just gray. The suggestion implies that it's cloudy, just not quite to the point of being overcast.

Once I let my awareness return to my body, I decide to try a few things out, just to see what I can do. Flying is the obvious thing - the book mentioned it as one of the most common things to do in a lucid dream - but I sort of just did that, and I'm more interested in seeing what else I can do. With as empty as this place is, there's one obvious thing to start with, and so I do it, closing my eyes to concentrate for a moment. When I open them, Kyon is standing in front of me with a completely neutral expression on his face, dressed in his usual school uniform. I can't help but smirk as I walk around him, checking out my own handiwork; the 'Kyon' doesn't react to me at all, though, standing there more or less like a mannequin - although he isn't one, as he feels warm when I touch his face. A moment of concentration and I'm able to make him put on his usual sour look and cross his arms, although I have to specifically think about it to get him to move at all - it's like controlling a puppet in a way.

"the 'Kyon'" -> "this 'Kyon'"?

With the quotes, I don't really need to specify 'the' or 'this' at all, really. Haruhi knows he's fake, and there aren't multiple of him.

"Hey, Yuki-chan," I start off, looking over at the light-haired girl. Her only response is to look me in the eyes, the vaguest hint of expectation - or maybe curiosity? - in her stare. Score one for the model so far.

"Yuki-chan" is a deliberate deviation from Haruhi's normal mode of addressing her ("Yuki")?  If not, there are at least two other instances of it.

Modified for now. I get the sneaking suspicion that Yuki and Haruhi are going to become closer over the course of this story, but the groundwork for that's only just been laid here. Time to get there later.

She shakes her head. "Additional knowledge makes relying on the simpler model unsatisfactory, as it may obviously contradict results predicted by that model."

"It" being "additional knowledge"?  If it is, then I understand.

You are correct - I thought it was clear since I refer to the model specifically, so the only logical thing for 'it' to be is the additional knowledge. If it's fuzzy I can clarify further.

I'm curious about what Mikuru was talking about, but we've got a tour to catch up with - I definitely want to look into this, but it'll have to wait for now!

I do hope Haruhi does follow up on this--it would take at least a cursory excuse from Asahina to explain this away.

There are some plans in this direction, but I shall say no more!

The end of the trip is a huge letdown. It takes us a lot longer than expected to catch up with the tour; since we didn't see it leave, no one is quite sure which direction they went to start with, although Yuki managed to guess pretty well - or maybe she had an idea from the travel guide she read; I'm not sure. We don't actually reach the tour group until they get to Okiku's Well itself, and the tour guide is just finishing up the story of how her ghost can be heard counting dishes at night. I'm familiar with the story, so there's nothing really new there, but one thing I'd always wanted to do was try coming here at night to see if I could hear the ghost.

It may be useful to do "her ghost" -> "Okiku's ghost" if I'm reading this right.

I went with 'the servant girl Okiku's ghost' - because obviously this chapter isn't long enough and I need more words. But it gives more info on the story without actually telling it.

I really don't feel like getting into it, though, so I more or less just blow him off - but it kind of takes the wind out of my sails on trying to sneak around to see the off-limits part of the castle, too, since just about every time I make up my mind to try something he seems to notice that I'm upset and asks me about it - and won't take the hint to just leave me alone either. Whatever, it's not like it's all that important anyway.

Since you only use it twice, it's not criminal, but I do notice that this is the second time you've used the "wind out of my sails" saying.

I recall noting this during the writing, but I couldn't come up with anything better to get the same sentiment across. Open to suggestions, certainly.

"Asahina!" Koizumi barks, sounding far more angry than I did. I'll admit to being seriously annoyed at her acting like that, but Koizumi... if I didn't know better, I'd say he was on the verge of throwing her out bodily. "Kyon-kun has duties to the Brigade, and as such they supersede anything you have in mind!"

Asahina-san.

I snatch it away almost immediately, though. "Koizumi, what the hell?"

Koizumi-kun.

The earlier references to the lack of honorifics were fully justified (and corrected), but in these cases the Brigade members aren't acting like their normal selves, and the lack of honorifics is intentional. Koizumi in the first sees Mikuru more or less as a mortal enemy (and thus undeserving of respect), and in the second Haruhi is shocked as hell by what Koizumi just did, so she's being sharp with him.

I like that Haruhi feels a bit guilty for losing her temper over a dream Kyon's insubordination and recognizes that he was similar enough that her feelings were real even if he wasn't.

Glad you liked! Seemed that a lot of folks liked the dream Brigades and the chat with Yuki, which is always good to know - if I got something right with these, it gives me something to emulate later on.

I'll be interested to see what exactly Asahina and her people were trying to do.  Influencing Haruhi's feelings toward dissatisfaction with the castle visits and more time in dreams seems pretty straightforward, but the reason for doing so is still a mystery. 

I don't mind sharing the castle orders now, since it's a relatively minor point. The main objective there was just to try not to get Haruhi -too- upset; Mikuru's superiors were aware that Haruhi would come looking, and she'd find Mikuru and Koizumi faster if they weren't wandering around the castle grounds trying to find Haruhi as well. The timing of her relaying that to Koizumi was just poor, and Haruhi overheard it.

[Brian]

Since you only use it twice, it's not criminal, but I do notice that this is the second time you've used the "wind out of my sails" saying.

I recall noting this during the writing, but I couldn't come up with anything better to get the same sentiment across. Open to suggestions, certainly.

Muphrid: 'Idiom'.

Halbarad: I think I remarked on the repetition, too--  It's not the use of the phrase, it's the proximity.  My suggestion is to either lampshade it ("And once again, the wind is taken from my sails!") or find an alternative.  I can't come up with a good alternative -- so how about in one instance, instead of using the idiom, just describe exactly what Haruhi's feeling?

Otherwise ... oh--  Maybe something like, "can't help but feel like I was beaten to the punch"?


Also, I realize I disagree with Sarsaparilla on this one--  But I don't think it's really OOC of Haruhi to not say anything to Kyon/show herself at the train station.  I can see her arguments for Haruhi intending to be her brash self, but I can also see the Haruhi that's always behaved in front of Kyon's mother (at least, according to the implications of the novels) and in front of other figures in public (Sakanaka's mother, at the very least)--  If that's not enough, there's also the tiny bit of tsundereness that I feel does fit into Haruhi's character that would make it hard for her to actually reveal herself.

The compromise is probably to have her intend to show herself to him, 'just to check that he really was going,' but convince herself that he was having a family moment (or something along those lines)--  Maybe, she could even think that Kyon's sister would reveal that she had been there to Kyon and that'd be enough; she just didn't want to deal with Kyon's parents?

Personally, I think Haruhi going to watch him off is cute.

Sarsaparilla, if the goal was to preserve that scene, what changes would you suggest?