[Haruhi] [Umineko] The Turn of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Oroboro]

Howdy! New here - stumbled into the IRC channel from something someone linked in the K:BDH topic, got some advice, and it was suggested I ask for some C&C here, so here goes.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7583784/1/The_Turn_of_Haruhi_Suzumiya

The story is a crossover between Haruhi and Umineko no Naku Koro ni. (Pretty niche, I know.) Part 1 has been done for about a month. (Arc 1? Game 1? Episode 1? Whatever you want to call it.) and I am currently working on the sequel.

However, I know that "Turn" could probably use a lot of revision work, as could the stuff I haven't posted yet.

"A basic summary: For the second summer vacation trip, the SOS Brigade visits the island of Rokkenjima. Expecting a simple trip of camping, hiking, and pretend mystery solving on a long deserted island, Kyon and Haruhi instead find themselves pulled into the game board, intruding into the Ushiromiya family conference of October 4th, 1986. Knowing full well the ultimate fate about to fall upon the island's inhabitants, Kyon must race to solve the mystery and find the truth; before they end up as just another mysterious death in Rokkenjima's endless cat-box."

I've tried to follow everyone characterization's as much as I can, tried to follow the 'rules' of Umineko. (At least in a way they can be interpreted that makes sense.) I suppose it's a bit dark (Okay maybe a lot).

Anyway, just hoping to get some outside critical perspective.

Thanks a lot, and it's a pleasure to meet you all!

[Arakawa]

*blinks*

Wait, no one got around to C&Cing the fic?

I might as well break the ice by commenting on the opening.

I notice that "Turn" has 8 chapters, and you're currently writing a sequel... so it's going to take a while to go through this C&Cwise, even if more people pitch in. If you have something specific place in the fic or skill that worries you or you want help with, it would be good to ask, since that will mean I can get around to addressing that specific issue faster.

"Kyon... No, this cant' be real... it's not actually happening, is it?"

Okay, punctuation is an immediate issue: should be more like

"Kyon... no, this can't be real... this isn't actually happening, is it?"

The scene displayed before us was unimaginable; truly something dragged from the darkest depths of a nightmare.

Punctuation: "The scene displayed before us was unimaginable; truly, something dragged from the darkest depths of a nightmare."

(Many semicolon + connector usages are like this; however, semicolons have many other neat uses; indeed, paying attention to how good quality writing is put together is often an effective way of finding ways to improve the quality of your own prose.)

There was a design painted around the portrait of Beatrice in the entry hall. A 6 pointed star inside a circle.

The second sentence is a sentence fragment. In terms of quick fixes, you can either join it to the previous sentence like this:

There was a design painted around the portrait of Beatrice in the entry hall: a 6 pointed star inside a circle.

Or you can take the melodrama up to eleven and go this route:

The scene displayed before us was unimaginable; truly, something dragged from the darkest depths of a nightmare. There was a design painted around the portrait of Beatrice in the entry hall.

A 6 pointed star inside a circle.

At each point of the star: a body, crucified to the wall with long iron spikes sticking from the hands and legs.

(I'd also prefer something other than "their" for "their hands and legs", so I changed it to the. Seeing as the people attached to the arms and legs are only introduced in the next sentence.)

It was Krauss, George, Kyrie, Rudolf, Genji, and an old woman who must have been Kumasawa. Their faces seemed frozen in expressions of pain and anguish. Blood had leaked from their wrists and feet, dripping down over the portrait of Beatrice, giving the witch an even more chilling demeanor.

(Not familiar with Umineko here, but mathematically speaking you're going to get a lot of Haruhi readers considering your fic, so it might be good to consider ways to ease them into the Umineko portion of things.)

The question we immediately get is: who are these people? Having a string of unknown names thrown at us at this stage is a bit off-putting. It's nice to give out at least a bit of context even in the in medias res treatment; otherwise the reader gets an inaccurate sense that there's going to be far too much stuff in the fic to follow properly.

I'm not sure what to recommend at this point; the part of the story I've read doesn't give enough information for me to make an unequivocal suggestion. Will have something to say later.

My stomach suddenly roiled, and my vision swam before my eyes. I wasn't really able to focus, and my curtain rod slipped from my grasp. I could barely hear the wails of despair coming from the others nearby, but I was acutely aware of the iron death grip Haruhi currently had on my arm, as she leaned on me for support. It occurred to me I was leaning on her as well.

Kyon... seems to be holding a curtain rod. Since it isn't really explained and the very point of mentioning it is that it hasn't been explained yet, I might be inclined to call it "the curtain rod".

"wasn't really able to focus" is a bit wishy-washy for what's a terrifying situation. Maybe, "I couldn't focus properly, and the curtain rod was slipping from my grasp."

"Kyon... there's 6 of them... just like in the riddle. So Koizumi really was... this really is-"

Suggest "there's six of them", not "there's 6 of them"; you're writing a story, not a phonebook, so you can afford to spell out some of your numerals. More specifically: using digits would be justifiable if there were 346 crucified people, but when there's just six of them it just breaks the flow of the prose.

Okay, so the whole 'in medias res introduction' thing (which, I note, is structured just like the island mystery story) is a sound idea, but you have to give enough context for some things to stick in memory. Things that it's probably fine to leave completely unexplained are the curtain rod (though, again, I'd refer to it as "the curtain rod"), Beatrice, and most of everything else. Things that I'd give a few more details about right away are definitely the lineup of random crucified people... and probably you could expand "So Koizumi really was... this really is-" (really was what? really is what?). Not enough to reveal everything about the scene, but enough to give more context and prompt the reader to build a little index in their heads so when the corresponding plot element is reached they can say "ah, this is the riddle. these are the six people in the story that are going to be crucified. Koizumi's ghost story is actually true! and here is where Kyon acquires the curtain rod".

Because the elements in the opening paragraph aren't really connected to each other in any memorable fashion, they need to be connected to some bit of context if you want the reader to retain a good memory of the opening paragraph until they get to the corresponding plot element.

From what I've seen of the fic so far, I can note: there are some technical issues much as above, but not so bad that they detract from the story. Still, fixing the issues produces a more professional impression, which biases people to read your fic rather than to ignore it. The pacing is solid; characterizations are hit and miss to my eye. I have a very minor quibble about Nagato that I'll bring up later, and Koizumi's voice could be a bit more accurate. Kyon is, I'm happy to say, much more hit than miss, some of the lines suit him excellently, even if a small number of other lines miss the mark completely.

Anyhow, I'm strapped for time these days, but I'll get more C&C done later. Again, if you want something specific looked at, please bring it up and I'll focus on getting to that part faster.

[Oroboro]

Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate this!

As for the approach I'm taking here, well... The story is already completed, and I'm relatively happy with how it's turned out overall, as well as proud of myself for taking the initiative to write it in the first place. But I know it could also use a lot of work, from both a technical standpoint as well as some characterization issues as well.

As far as specific scenes, I can think of a couple, but it seems like it'd be hard to critique without all the context that leads up to it. Especially lacking a perspective on Umineko. I'd also love some commentary and suggestions for how I'm handling the meta-stuff and mystery layer in the sequel, but I don't think anyone here can help me with that. :P


---

I'll definitely go take another go at the prologue, and re-word some things so they come across a little clearer. The biggest purpose for having the In Medias Res opener honestly, is to put a big flag right at the start that says "Hey. There's going to be murder and death in this story." I guess so someone familiar with Haruhi can go "That's not what I'm interested in" if necessary, or someone coming from the Umineko side can see that and know "Okay, it'll get to that point eventually.".

The prologue as a whole is a tad long, and it takes two more chapters after that before the first death occurs, so. >_>

All of the dead people do get introduced properly later on. (Except one, lol) I'm not sure if re-establishing some of their characteristics in the opening is the best choice. I'll be honest, Umineko has a fairly large cast, and most of them don't get used here other than as a dead body. The story is ultimately Kyon and Haruhi's.

Thanks again though. (Also looking back in retrospect, I'm positive I missed the ball on Nagato's dialogue completely. And I know I have a big problem with the use of honorifics in the later chapters. (Or more specifically, the lack thereof.))

[Dracos]

Mmm.  I am slow moving, but I think this got missed in the constant updates of other fics.

Heya Oroboro.  Barely read Haruhi fanfiction.  Don't read Umineko fanfiction.  Don't know Haruhi.

But I know Umineko well.  So I can at least yammer a bit about it.  And yammerings these shall be rather than the proper focus.  Take it all with a grain of salt because of it.  It [strikethough]may[/strikethrough] does come across curmudgeony.  If so, picture someone waving an old stick and commenting on kids getting off the lawn :P   Put on some headphones and turn up the rock, if the yammerings don't sound useful.

So I shall take a look.  Let's see...
I find my voice not too kind below.  Consider at your own risk.  I'm long out of practice with first timers.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Summary seems strange.  But I ignore those.  Umineko is a story in which nobody ever really knows the entirety of the truth of what is going on.  It is layers of deception wrapped in lies and murder.  Wow, seems like there is a lot of this already.

Proofreading being rough is definitely an honest statement.  I'd actually run this through Word and let it comment how it shall.  Not that Word is at all a solid winner for grammar and such, but given the very first sentence as a misplaced apostrophe, I feel it will likely do a world of good.  That's gonna be the last grammar/punctuation comment I make due to that though.

Kinda disorienting starting paragraph.  It's almost too short for dropping into the action and then coming back to how did the heroes get there.  If I didn't know Umineko, the opening scene would be entirely incoherent to me.  It gives Too Much Information for someone who does know Umineko and gives too little specifics for one who doesn't.  The same scene made 2-3 times as long with some description of them coming into the room, finding folks dead in the seats, describing them and whatnot, would build momentum for the surprise horror going on.  It'd also give a chance to see who the heck is at the scene (Haruhi and Kyon?  Someone else too?  I don't know!)  There's no chekov's guns going on (Beatrice's picture is about the only element named), a flash of names and well, were I just scanning for fics would be a missed hook.  I wouldn't even get to the next section with it, because it wouldn't have delivered a scene I'm interested in asking the question "How did they get here?" of.  It just threw a bunch of dead names at me that I have no connection to yet.  The importance of a strong opener to a fic cannot be understated.

As I said, I don't really know Haruhi.  With crossovers, at least a good chunk of readers on any are going to be coming in unaware of your characters.  Taking time to settle them into the minds of the reader is time well spent.  This I'd say is true in single source fanfiction as well (As it establishes how YOUR version of the characters are to be felt), but it is a good note to make.   What I take away from Kyon's opener is that this is no Battler.  There will be no confusion with this being supernatural or not.  We have folks that are familiar with the supernatural entering the scenario and therefore I'd expect some of the differences to be they can delve into that.

Please differentiate Thought, Internal Voice, and External Voice.  You start us with Kyon's thoughts, and then he's responding, still as thoughts, while Haruhi is using quotes to talk clearly.  The mix-match is confusing.  Also, really would appreciate again, some setting down who were are looking at.  I know Haruhi is there and Kyon is there and nobody else.

So, by the second scene cut, I now know it is set in the second summer and now I can see Koizumi and Mikuru and Nagato.  Not sure if anyone else is there?  Also, Haruhi is coming off somewhat Medaka-ish.  So I want someone to punch her.  But that could just be me, and not really knowing her.

I actually find it kinda difficult to follow the conversation without any clarity on who it is coming from.  Sure there's the quotes versus non-quotes, but it's actually kind of bothersome to follow.  If I glance away and then back I don't know from reading a paragraph who is talking.

Randomness: From a boat approach, you actually can't tell much about even a small island.  Being relatively close to the water, your depth of view is really only usually the beachfront and some of the trees along it.  The size/width of the island is really hard to judge, unlike it is from an airplane.

Kinda an eyebrow raise seeing the straightforward discussion of Haruhi's powers and them not being relevant.  Not sure what's going on there.

Also kinda an eyebrow raise at the closer where Kyon is talking to...somebody?  The 4th wall/audience?  It doesn't seem connected to the scenes so far.

I now see what the summary  is referring to.  I dunno, it seems too conscious.  It kind of detracts as it makes Kyon and Haruhi more Self Insert characters into the story than actual crossover folks.

Maybe I shall comment more.  Maybe not.  My time tonight is at an end.  For a first effort, it is not bad, but also, not good.  Running your works through word would be wise, until you are at least better than it.  Improving clarity on who is speaking as well as what is going on around them would add depth to your works.  And equally, remember that a good hook is important.  The start In Media Res needs to give the audience a reason they want to find out what happens, and lots of specific names do not help with this.

[Oroboro]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it, no matter what you have to say.

Proofreading being rough is definitely an honest statement.  I'd actually run this through Word and let it comment how it shall.  Not that Word is at all a solid winner for grammar and such, but given the very first sentence as a misplaced apostrophe, I feel it will likely do a world of good.  That's gonna be the last grammar/punctuation comment I make due to that though.

I do write in word actually, but Jesus I am bad at apostrophes. How the hell did that one slip by me so many times. -_-. I have a pretty shitty eye for detail in general, no matter how many times I re-read my own stuff looking for errors...

Kinda disorienting starting paragraph.  It's almost too short for dropping into the action and then coming back to how did the heroes get there.  If I didn't know Umineko, the opening scene would be entirely incoherent to me.  It gives Too Much Information for someone who does know Umineko and gives too little specifics for one who doesn't.  The same scene made 2-3 times as long with some description of them coming into the room, finding folks dead in the seats, describing them and whatnot, would build momentum for the surprise horror going on.  It'd also give a chance to see who the heck is at the scene (Haruhi and Kyon?  Someone else too?  I don't know!)  There's no chekov's guns going on (Beatrice's picture is about the only element named), a flash of names and well, were I just scanning for fics would be a missed hook.  I wouldn't even get to the next section with it, because it wouldn't have delivered a scene I'm interested in asking the question "How did they get here?" of.  It just threw a bunch of dead names at me that I have no connection to yet.  The importance of a strong opener to a fic cannot be understated.

Arakawa mentioned some similar things above. I gave my reasons, but it looks like they're flimsier than I thought. It was the first paragraph of my first attempt at fanfiction back in November, so I'll see if I can't do better.

Please differentiate Thought, Internal Voice, and External Voice.  You start us with Kyon's thoughts, and then he's responding, still as thoughts, while Haruhi is using quotes to talk clearly.  The mix-match is confusing.  Also, really would appreciate again, some setting down who were are looking at.  I know Haruhi is there and Kyon is there and nobody else.

This is actually how the Haruhi novels, and Kyon's narration is usually structured. It's usually left very ambiguous as to whether or not Kyon is actually talking or just inner monologue-ing, and characters often respond to what should be considered an inner monologue. This effect is even kept in the anime by not showing Kyon's mouth as he talks / narrates.

The actual novels contain a bit more "he said, she said," than my story. Unfortunately, it's far too late to change it now, and at best can be considered a stylistic choice. I try to indicate which character is talking by having Kyon refer to them by name after they've said something, a particular style of speech they have (Ex: Koizumi always refers to Haruhi as "Suzumiya-san") I suppose it can get quite confusing for someone who's not familiar with the characters. I didn't even consider that approach when I started this, and I guess I apologize.

Randomness: From a boat approach, you actually can't tell much about even a small island.  Being relatively close to the water, your depth of view is really only usually the beachfront and some of the trees along it.  The size/width of the island is really hard to judge, unlike it is from an airplane.

Never even occured to me. Only been on a boat a handful of times in my life.

Also kinda an eyebrow raise at the closer where Kyon is talking to...somebody?  The 4th wall/audience?  It doesn't seem connected to the scenes so far.

Also an artifact from the novels. Kyon often apologizes for the length of the prologue and hints at foreboding things to come.

I now see what the summary  is referring to.  I dunno, it seems too conscious.  It kind of detracts as it makes Kyon and Haruhi more Self Insert characters into the story than actual crossover folks.

Not entirely sure what you're getting at here. Maybe I'm bad at summary's, but it seems pretty straightforward and explains the general premise to me. I'm guessing you've only read the prologue so far, but they don't end up in the middle of the canon Umineko story. It's a fragment all on its own. (Which is perfectly justified and explained in the final chapter.)



Anyway, I'm not sure how this came off, but I'd like to reiterate that I do appreciate the feedback. I'll try and take another look at some of the things you said. If you do read farther, I'd love to get your opinion on a lot of the more Umineko specific elements, especially regarding the stuff I'm currently working on. (A second opinion on the closed rooms in the sequel would be great, but I've been stuck working on my own)

Thanks again.

Edit:

Mucked around a bit with the opening. Maybe this helps a little, but I dunno. The message I was trying to convey was mostly just "Hey look, horrible death and murder!" I could always axe the In Medias Res bit too, but it still starts on a fairly slow note otherwise. I could also throw in some of the lead up to the scene from Chapter 3 when they reach this point, but it doesn't really have "opener" qualities too it. Blah

Anyway, slightly revised version.

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Kyon... no, this can't be real... this isn't actually happening, is it?"

The scene displayed before us was unimaginable; truly, something dragged from the darkest depths of a nightmare. There was a design painted around the portrait of Beatrice in the entry hall: a 6 pointed star inside a circle. At each point of the star was a body, crucified to the wall with long iron spikes sticking from the hands and legs.

There were six people in total. Six dead bodies... I only really knew one of them – George. As for the others; the big guy with the blonde hair was Krauss, right? He was supposed to be the successor of the family. Genji, the butler. I'm not sure if I ever even saw him smile. Kyrie and Rudolf... They had seemed like a happy couple at dinner. Cracking jokes, egging everyone on. A bit sleazy, but. I guess the last body, an old woman, must've been Kumasawa, based on Haruhi's description.

But none of that matters now, does it? They're all dead. Their faces are all frozen in a mask of pain and anguish. Blood had leaked down from their wrists and feet all over the portrait of Beatrice, making the witch look even more sinister.

My stomach suddenly roiled, and my vision swam before my eyes. I couldn't focus properly, and the curtain rod slipped from my grasp. I could barely hear the wails of despair coming from the others nearby, but I was acutely aware of the iron death grip Haruhi currently had on my arm as she leaned on me for support. It occurred to me I was leaning on her as well.

"Kyon... there's six of them... just like in the riddle. So Koizumi's story was... we're going to die, aren't we?"

"Haruhi, listen. Do you remember that thing I asked you to do earlier? Please, could you try to do it again?"

Could you try to wake up?

[Arakawa]

_{(Argh, I originally posted this in the thread for sars' "Insight" by mistake. Ooooooops. False alarm, although C&C on that will also be ready eventually.)}

I think I promised to give further feedback on this a while back and then promptly put it off until forever ^_6;;;

Well, let's go through Chapter 1 at least.

"That's just the kind of thing I'd expect a slacker like you to say! I thought you'd your lesson about working hard and getting good grades! All of that stuff applies to the real world too y'know!"

"I thought you'd learned your lesson..."

"The SOS Brigade! You're still the lowest ranked member, after all. You need to work hard and apply yourself! Don't think one little gift is going to buy you a promotion! Your brigade leader is not so easily bought. You need to learn from Koizumi-kun, considering what he's arranged for us this time! There's a reason he's the vice-commander and you're still a lowly grunt."

In general, Haruhi's behaviour here is serviceable for the premise, but a bit too much of the Haruhi from the first summer might be rubbing off on this portrayal. It comes in just under the "this could be a problem" line from where I'm standing, though.

It's more of a general issue to pay attention to which characterizations you're imitating, and which you're keeping cleanly separate as you're writing the fic.

"Hmph"

"Hmph!"

Punctuation is not optional.

and later people made up a bunch of stories on the internet about it.

"Internet" is usually capitalized.

"No. All anomalies are on a miniscule scale compared to the Integrated Data Thought Entity, and none can manifest on the level of anything resembling what you would call a ghost. I won't let anything interfere. "

It doesn't make a difference to what happens later, but Nagato's insistence that nothing is going to happen ... . Like one of those high-ranking administrators who kept claiming that ... . Given that

Nagato doesn't really have a track record of claiming she's absolutely certain about something, then being proven catastrophically wrong. From what I remember, if she could be wrong, she either keeps quiet, or says flat out that something is "uncertain".

"resembling what you would call a ghost" also sounds a bit iffy.

So, I'd go for something like:

"No. All anomalies detected are on a minuscule scale and cannot manifest in the human spectrum of observation."

So, that means no weird ghosts are going to jump out at us while we're exploring the island?

Nagato blinked.

"In the event that such a phenomenon is detected, I will take action to prevent interference."

Not perfect, but doesn't draw the same objections. Also, the fact that Yuki sounds a shade less than confident can be tied to the fact that it's Koizumi's fault that they're stuck going on this trip in the first place.

"It's not like this boat has a mast and sails Kyon! Although that would be totally awesome! Hey Koizumi-kun, do you think you could get us a ride on an antique warship sometime?"

The shortcomings continue in the same vein (sorry, I have limited time to devote to this). For instance, near the end, you have:

I threw Haruhi to the ground and dived on top of her, covering my head with my hands. I knew that this was probably the last thing I'd ever do, so I closed my eyes and waited for very the unique feeling of being torn apart by hundreds of tiny proboscises.

Maybe "the very unique feeling of"?

I quickly hopped off of Haruhi and she got to her feet, and I turned to see what she was talking about. Rather than going for us, it seems like they dive-bombed the portrait instead.

Maybe "they had dive-bombed the portrait"?

Just like that, the butterflies all vanished in an instant, leaving only the afterimage of light behind and a darkened room. I took the chance to stand up, brush myself off, then waited a few moments to see if they'd come back. Nothing.

"leaving behind only an afterimage in the darkened room"

-- personally, no problem with putting stuff between "leaving" and "behind" (or splitting infinitives for that matter), except here you're just stuffing too much in there. Not so much that "only the afterimage of light is" long, rather it's conceptually heavy and by the time you've parsed what "afterimage of light" means, it's probable your brain has forgot that this stuff is being jammed into a "leaving behind", and the "behind" just catches you off guard.

"Yeah, you're right".

Typo, period should be inside the quotation marks.

Rather than smoke and ash however, the parts that were burned by the "fire" instead became bright, colorful and pristine, as if illuminated by a proper source of light and restored to the magnificence they once held.

Punctuation. "Rather than smoke and ash, however, the parts that..."

It didn't stop at the edge of the portrait however—the walls became bright and polished, the carpet was a luxurious red, no longer in tatters. As the "burning" approached us, I realized I was committing another grave horror movie sin; standing still while something weird happens.

Just redoing the whole first part in one go:

"It didn't stop at the edge of the portrait, however -- (long dash here) the walls became bright and polished, the carpet a luxurious red, no longer in tatters. As the burning approached us, I realized..."

(Note: "burning" used as a noun in this way is all kinds of awkward. I'd use "fire", but since you used fire above and presumably switched to burning to vary the prose, the band-aid solution is to just get rid of the quotes that happen to call unnecessary additional attention to the awkward turn of phrase.)

Kind of a tossup, but I'd use a colon instead of a semicolon at this point -- "horror movie sin: standing still whole something weird happens."

It was too late though.

"It was too late, though."

I suddenly felt movement beside me, and realized Haruhi was falling. I managed to catch her, but she was limp in my arms.

"I felt a sudden movement beside me" would be a bit neater?

"was limp in my arms" sounds a bit odd. Not sure what to suggest here, maybe:

"I managed to catch her, but she went limp in my arms."

"I managed to catch her, but she was already limp in my arms."

take the same idea, express it via something completely different? "I managed to catch her, but she was already unconscious even as she landed in my arms."

Hrmmmgh... really not sure. Not having a good prose styling day, myself, so take with a grain of salt.

In terms of Koizumi's retelling of the story, I have to say that it oscillates a bit too much between "spooky" and "humorous" because Kyon reliably intercuts a comment into every paragraph. It's... fine, but I'd have considered writing it as a bunch of sections as-is (Koizumi speaking, Kyon & others reacting), intercut with sections of *third* person narrative (framed by scene transition markers) which let us get a bit more into the mood of the actual ghost story.

Anyhow, having skimmed through the rest of the fic, I can generally say that the chapter is fairly representative of what could use attention. In general, we see:

• Things that can be fixed via careful proofreading before publication. I notice you complained about not being able to proofread your work to a high standard. However, many of the mistakes made in the above chapter are things which are easily noticeable if you just pull that one sentence out of context, and certainly don't indicate a lack of understanding of how things *should* be written (given that you get the same thing right in countless other places). As someone who's done a lot of (technical) proofreading for other people over the years, that's really what finding the errors comes down to: slowing yourself down to the point that you can isolate one sentence or phrase at a time, stare at the individual chunks of text, and ask yourself "does this make sense?" There isn't really a shortcut, if you find that in the flow of inspiration you're just typing things out without stopping to fix technical issues, and need to go back and re-read and polish as a result.
• Some characterization issues. (Both minor details of voice and consistency of action.) Which I'm not the best person to take advice from, on this particular point.
• Prose style and story presentation issues. Various... how do I say this... minor details of structuring the narrative could have been done better. For example, we already went over the opening paragraph and how it might look to a reader opening the fic. I also took very slight issue with the pacing of Koizumi's story, where Kyon's skeptical comments clash to some extent with the spooky subject matter. I can't really figure out how to characterize what the *overall* issue is, and -- more crucially -- it's really up to you to develop / steal your own style and develop a bag of narrative tricks that appeals to you and to the overall audience, not just to blindly listen to any one person's opinions. (I generally try -- emphasis being on try -- to avoid pointing out things I didn't like unless I can give *several* suggestions for revision; since to do otherwise is to risk coming across like I'm forcing my style on the other person, or so I've found.)

Anyhow, good luck with whatever you decide to write next!