[Legend of Grimrock] It Rolls Down Stairs: prologue

[Empyrean]

Ok, I've revised again (4/30).

Hanging around #kitago has had a bad influence on me, and I have decided to try my hand at writing fanfiction. My first attempt is based on Legend of Grimrock, a newly released old-school style dungeon crawler with no characterization and minimal plot (the party is accused of crimes unspecified and thrown into a death trap dungeon with promises of pardons if they escape, which nobody ever has). The names are those of the default party selection in the game, but none of them have any characterization or dialogue in the game itself. That's where I come in. You don't really have to know anything about Grimrock for this, since everything more complicated than the summary above is my own original stuff.

The cast is as follows:

Contar Stoneskull: self-proclaimed leader of the party. He's a pastiche of shonen heroes and JRPG protagonists, with a bit of The Tick mixed in. He is young, idealistic, and rather stupid. Fights unarmed and unarmored as part of a personal quest to become "the Strongest." Arrested and sent to Mount Grimrock for wandering into the homes of complete strangers and rummaging through their belongings for spare change and vendor trash.

Yennica Whitefeather: the cynical and pessimistic counterpart to Contar. She is a Rogue who fights with a dagger and was thrown into Mount Grimrock on charges of sedition after openly speaking out against the King, the arresting officers, the legal system, the airship that took her to Mount Grimrock, etc. She's a recreational hater, the sarcastic foil to the enthusiastic idiocy of Contar and the seriousness of Mork. The go-to character for bitching about events in the dungeon.

Mork: a minotaur. Deeply concerned with minotaur rights and breaking down stereotypes, Mork is otherwise the most reasonable member of the party, more contemplative than the others most of the time. He was arrested for assaulting a man who suggested that Minotaurs are violent and lack impulse control. Mork insists that having to stand on the front line is an unfair oppression of Minotaurs and avoids that style of fighting whenever possible. Mork lets me analyze the conventions of dungeon crawling from a rational perspective and give voice to thoughts about what the hell is going on in here, where do all these monsters come from, who lit those torches on the wall and why don't they burn out, how does a pressure switch actually open a door, etc.

Sancsaron: mad wizard. Sancsaron communicates pretty much entirely through quoting other stories, songs, literature, games, etc, none of which mean much of anything to the others. While the others display varying degrees of genre savvy (Contar is wrong genre savvy but there is useful overlap occasionally, Yennica and Mork are genre-blind) Sancsaron is not only genre savvy but medium-aware. He's also apparently crazy, so nobody really bothers to guess at what he means. He does the things that players would do when playing an RPG, like collecting odds and ends that will probably be used in a puzzle later.

I'm posting for C&C. The final version will probably go up on ff.net; I'm not too familiar with other places to host this kind of stuff.

[thepanda]

You might want to shorten their names. Seeing Rogue repeated over and over is irritating. If you really don't want to use names you can just call them by their number or let Rogue Two give them nicknames or something. I can totally see Two calling One 'Hero' sarcastically and him jumping on it.

[Empyrean]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll go about shortening them down to just their numbers; it was annoying typing them out the whole time, too. I'll have to think about using nicknames; I probably won't use them on a consistent basis if I do.

[Empyrean]

It occurs to me, the more that I think about this, that the odd party composition isn't really necessary to the story as I intend to tell it. This idea started out as a Let's Play, chronicling the weirdness that comes about from playing the game with awful party composition. Shortening the names down makes for some odd sentences, like "Two ignored the other two." Instead, I think I'll just go with the character names used in the default party. They had no personality to speak of in the original game, so it's not like I can't interpret them however I like. Since I'm basically just going to be writing my own story based on the game rather than detailing the game as I play it, stuff that made it more interesting as a Let's Play is purely vestigial in the current format.

This means renaming the fic and losing a couple of gags, but since I only thought of it yesterday I'm not too attached to the name, and I'd rather avoid awkward sentences like the one I mentioned earlier. This means that One will be a Fighter instead of a Rogue and Four will be a Mage, but that suits their personalities of stupid hero and nutcase, so that works.

Hooray for writing when I don't know what I'm doing! I'll figure this out sooner or later.

(EDIT: Ok, tossed the all-Rogue idea and gave everybody names. Attached file in the OP has been updated.)

[Muphrid]

"This is gonna be great," said Contar Stoneskull excitedly, for perhaps the fourth time since the trip on the airship began.

You go right into names in dialogue; when introducing characters this is something I try to avoid.  At this point, the name means nothing (unless, say, the character descriptions you put in your post are presented before the text, in which case full names are unneeded).  Without initial descriptions, it's hard to get a mental image of what's going on.

"Yeah, but then when we overcome the challenges that face us, it'll be even better because nobody has ever done it before! We'll be famous, and everyone will know that I am the Strongest! Your bad attitude is why I'm the leader and you're just a sidekick." Contar, who looked no older than sixteen, grinned and clearly considered his point well proven.

Does "Strongest" need to be capitalized?

Yennica rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not your sidekick and you're not the leader. Just because Sancsaron over there goes along with your nonsense doesn't mean anything. Sanc is obviously crazy."

This is a time-honored device--having dialogue indicate something that's yet to be described.  Again, I think it requires care.  You don't need to have the indication that Sancsaron is in the room with them only through dialogue.  There can be, say, a third figure in a distant corner whom Yennica jerks her head toward.  Then, she doesn't even need to say "over there" beacause the audience infers that that's who's she's talking about.  Making the audience do simple work is good.

Bear in mind, though, that this suggestion is only something you could do.  As written, it's all right.

Sancsaron didn't respond. He continued staring over the side of the airship at the mountains below for a few moments, then suddenly reared back and lurched forward to spit as far as he could. He intently watched it fall while the others looked on in silence. He was a man in his early twenties whose eyes never quite seemed to focus, and he wore a perpetual grin at nothing in particular.

Because we didn't get any description of him before this, I think "continued" can be cut out.  It doesn't reinforce anything.  I think as a rule it's good to go from general to specific.  I would start with the general description of Sancsaron, and then move to the specific of what he's doing at this moment.  For instance, I'm not sure if the perpetual grin really applies while he's staring.  If not, then there's an opportunity to describe him generally but give contrast in the moment.

One of the guards had mentioned a head injury and seemed to have a little pity for him, although this sentiment was not shared by the other two guards. They didn't seem to care for his nonsensical outbursts and odd behavior. Contar seemed oblivious that there was anything wrong with Sancsaron, and looked at Yennica quizzically. "He seems fine to me."

General rule:  avoid "seem" and "be" (and associated conjugations) as much as makes sense.  Here, only the first one has an obvious way of getting around it.  I suggest, "One of the guards had mentioned a head injury and took pity on him, but the other two didn't share this sentiment."  Actually, "had mentioned" is a bit odd.  How could he know this?  Did he merely suspect?  Did Sanc tell him?  I would also suggest moving Contar's dialogue and reaction out of this paragraph.  Indeed, you can cut "Contar seemed oblivious..." entirely.  This can be shown through his quizzical look and nonchalant question.

Yennica eyed Sancsaron leaning over the railing to watch his spittle's descent. "I hate airships."

I would reinforce that this is Yennica speaking with some kind of nonverbal reaction; otherwise, Sanc is the one closest to the dialogue, and that's clearly not what you intended.

"No! Absolutely not!" the minotaur roared. "Everyone always assumes that just because minotaurs are eight feet tall and solid muscle, they don't have rights! It's exactly this kind of prejudice that keeps my people trapped as manual laborers or fireball fodder for the army! I won't stand for this injustice!"

Interesting that he takes Yennica so seriously here.  It makes him seem a bit, er, focused on proving his race is more capable than generally believed.`

Yennica shrugged off the outbursts from the others. "Hey, I was just asking. Although, it'd be pretty terrible if we were all caught and killed because the rest of us couldn't carry the same load you can. Well, caught and killed sooner than we otherwise would. I'm pretty sure none of us are going to make it out of here alive anyway."

The "Although" to start the second sentence serves no purpose.

"Whatever, Sanc. Listen, guys..." Yennica turned back from checking that the guards weren't obviously eavesdropping, then leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Our odds of escaping Mount Grimrock are basically zero. I say we try to overpower the guards, steal the airship, and make for the border. We're near the edge of the kingdom anyway, and we can live out our lives in freedom."

Something to think about is varying sentence structures.  Almost all the descriptions you have begin like, "Character X did Y, and then maybe did other stuff".  Consider starting a sentence with, say, a gerund phrase as appropriate.  It wouldn't work here, but maybe elsewhere.

"Madness?" said Sancsaron, clearly excited. "THIS IS- oof!" Sancsaron's histrionics were cut short by a guard's boot to his back, sending him tumbling into the darkness. The others, still chained together, were pulled in after him.

This is a simple show vs. tell exercise.  You can describe Sanc's excitement through body language.  He springs up, looks squarely at Yennica, or something similar.


Overall, the only big thing I felt might be off was that one bit where Mork doesn't seem to catch that Yennica's mocking him.  This makes him feel a bit less than sharp to me, or perhaps just totally in his own world.  Beyond that, the characters do have distinct feels to them, which is much more important than any technical commentary.

[Empyrean]

So much good feedback. Thanks, Muphrid.

Spoiler: ShowHide

You go right into names in dialogue; when introducing characters this is something I try to avoid.  At this point, the name means nothing (unless, say, the character descriptions you put in your post are presented before the text, in which case full names are unneeded).  Without initial descriptions, it's hard to get a mental image of what's going on.

Ok, I could probably do some establishing description. Four prisoners seated at the back of an open-topped airship, chained together. The appearance of each.

Does "Strongest" need to be capitalized?

In this case I'm trying to illustrate that this is a specific concept for Contar, different from merely being physically stronger than other people. It's somewhere between a title and a quasi-religious goal, like Enlightenment (also frequently capitalized in the same sort of context). A lot of shonen protagonists declare that they're going to be the strongest. Contar basically thinks of himself as such and is wrong genre savvy about the whole thing. I was tempted to capitalize "hero" later on as well, and possibly "justice" for the same reason, although those ideals aren't really any different for him than they are for the readers and don't really warrant the special attention. He'll be referring to this ideal fairly often; it's a major part of his motivation in doing anything.

This is a time-honored device--having dialogue indicate something that's yet to be described.  Again, I think it requires care.  You don't need to have the indication that Sancsaron is in the room with them only through dialogue. There can be, say, a third figure in a distant corner whom Yennica jerks her head toward.  Then, she doesn't even need to say "over there" beacause the audience infers that that's who's she's talking about.  Making the audience do simple work is good.

Ok. I suppose this can be done by more description at the start instead of just launching into dialogue. I included "over there" because it seemed somewhat natural as speech; she's got a rather derisive attitude about most of her fellow party members, and it seemed like one way to convey that. If it doesn't really succeed at that I'll change it.

Because we didn't get any description of him before this, I think "continued" can be cut out.  It doesn't reinforce anything.  I think as a rule it's good to go from general to specific.

I haven't heard this sort of advice before about going from general to specific. It makes sense, and I'm pretty excited to actually have pointers to get better at this. For his description, I think I'll rewrite it to be less clunky and take that into account. I'll probably mention him staring over the railing in the initial description, since I want to establish that he's not reacting to the discussion happening right next to him.

I would start with the general description of Sancsaron, and then move to the specific of what he's doing at this moment.  For instance, I'm not sure if the perpetual grin really applies while he's staring.  If not, then there's an opportunity to describe him generally but give contrast in the moment.

It's pretty much business as usual (for him) all the time. He generally doesn't react to outside events much at all outside of combat (which he'll engage in with childlike enthusiasm, hurling lightning and such), except to laugh/react when someone accidentally quotes something or he sees an opportunity to quote something himself. He's really quite crazy, and as such I'm trying to be extra careful with him so as not to make him an annoying scrappy.

General rule:  avoid "seem" and "be" (and associated conjugations) as much as makes sense.  Here, only the first one has an obvious way of getting around it.  I suggest, "One of the guards had mentioned a head injury and took pity on him, but the other two didn't share this sentiment."  Actually, "had mentioned" is a bit odd.  How could he know this?  Did he merely suspect?  Did Sanc tell him?  I would also suggest moving Contar's dialogue and reaction out of this paragraph.  Indeed, you can cut "Contar seemed oblivious..." entirely.  This can be shown through his quizzical look and nonchalant question.

I'll rewrite to take this advice into account. I'm away from my usual computer at the moment, so it'll be tomorrow or probably the day after when it's updated and posted.

I would reinforce that this is Yennica speaking with some kind of nonverbal reaction; otherwise, Sanc is the one closest to the dialogue, and that's clearly not what you intended.

Maybe mention Sancsaron's silence, so the reader can infer that Yennica is the one speaking? She'll be declaring her hatred for various things with some regularity; probably once a chapter, so future statements along the same lines can probably get away with this much ambiguity or maybe more.

Interesting that he takes Yennica so seriously here.  It makes him seem a bit, er, focused on proving his race is more capable than generally believed.

Yeah. This is exactly what I'm aiming for, actually. He's the smartest member of the party, but he's kind of a nut when it comes to this particular issue. I plan for Yennica to exploit this to aggravate him when she feels like she's losing an argument with him. It's kind of his berserk button, and she'll press it when she wants to get back at him or change the subject. In the next chapter I'm planning on having him explain that assaulting a man who suggested that minotaurs are violent was actually an act of self defense against some sort of cultural oppression nonsense and was therefore justified. He'll switch from "rational" to "rationalize" in a hurry.

The "Although" to start the second sentence serves no purpose.

Noted.

Something to think about is varying sentence structures.  Almost all the descriptions you have begin like, "Character X did Y, and then maybe did other stuff".  Consider starting a sentence with, say, a gerund phrase as appropriate.  It wouldn't work here, but maybe elsewhere.

Taking this into account, Empyrean continues reading feedback.

This is a simple show vs. tell exercise.  You can describe Sanc's excitement through body language.  He springs up, looks squarely at Yennica, or something similar.

Right. I was trying to do this throughout, but screwed up a couple points.

Overall, the only big thing I felt might be off was that one bit where Mork doesn't seem to catch that Yennica's mocking him.  This makes him feel a bit less than sharp to me, or perhaps just totally in his own world.

I didn't want him to come off as a straight up Spock, so I needed something to give him some more character. He's smart, but really passionate about that particular issue so he falls for trolling/flamebait way too easily.

Beyond that, the characters do have distinct feels to them, which is much more important than any technical commentary.

This story really is going to live or die by the character interactions. The story from the game itself is very minimal. A lot of it's going to be the characters trying to fill in the blanks as best they can, but ultimately there really aren't many answers offered. They aren't particularly dynamic, either; they're pretty much just a set of perspectives from which to interpret the clues they come across. Hopefully I can keep it interesting.

[alethiophile]

* alethiophile reads through, then attempts C&C

Overall impressions: Good. Quite amusing, and definitely leaves the impression that the rest of the fic will be worth reading. Slight roughness in some places, but these are mostly a matter of opinion.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Weaving a crooked course between the slopes, a magically propelled airship slowly gained altitude as it made its way toward a rocky spire in the distance.

Little show-don't-tell issue here; instead of just saying 'a magically propelled airship' I'd replace with some description that indicates its magic-ness. Something like, oh, 'a glowing field surrounded it, and wind from no visible source filled its sails'. (Or something. I have no idea what it would actually look like, or whether the magicalness of its propulsion would be evident to a casual observer.) That would make visualization easier, as well.

Overall impression of Contar: heh. I like muchly. Especially the 'commandeer' bit.

Sancsaron is rather wonderful with all the quotes.

As previously noted, I'm horrible at C&C. Fun story, though.

[Empyrean]

Regarding the airship, I've decided to just cut mention of how it's propelled. The game itself has illustrations to show the first few scenes, and the airship looks like a sailing ship with a hot air balloon on top. There's no sails or control surfaces or visible means of propulsion, so it could possibly be non-magical, but flying a hot air balloon through a mountain range to set it down on top of a mountain that's shaped like a giant stone skyscraper just strikes me as impossible. One of the things I'll be doing with this fic is staying as close as I possibly can to the dungeon in the game itself; I won't use character mechanics in any meaningful way (nobody's going to mentioning "leveling up" except for maybe Contar, because he thinks like a shonen/JRPG protagonist and so a mention of game-like mechanics wouldn't be too far out there for him even if this weren't based on a game) and a big part of the fic will be the characters reacting to the dungeon exactly as it exists in the game itself and coming up with theories for how any of it could possibly work (gamers wouldn't bat an eye at a stone door that probably weighs a couple thousand pounds swinging open when you step on a pressure plate, but I plan to discuss stuff like this), and why anyone would build it.

The prologue was basically just introducing the characters. The deconstruction starts with chapter one. Maybe I'll just leave the airship's method of propulsion unexplained, and have Mork speculate about it (and why it's shaped like a boat). He's my medieval-fantasy omni-disciplinary scientist guy, and he'll be spending a lot of time wondering about stuff like that. Contar doesn't really think anything is weird unless it goes against his shonen/JRPG expectations, Yennica only cares about how stuff works because there might be a way to cheat/break/avoid the puzzles/traps/obstacles, and Sancsaron has discovered the fundamental truth of the universe and knows it's all a video game anyway, which explains pretty much everything.

All the feedback has been really helpful. I'm satisfied with the prologue now, and I'm moving on to chapter 1. I'm still not sure how I'll be breaking up the story (by dungeon level, by cut-scene dream sequences, or what) so I'll just go with it and see what feels like a good idea when I get there.