[Persona 3] Grieving

[Squibidyflop]

Not sure how familiar people are with Persona around here, but I had to put this somewhere. Spoilers for Persona 3, be warned. Criticise away!

Spoiler: ShowHide

I'm... sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise to you. I tried, you must believe I tried! But... how could I have protected you? Nyx was descending, and you floated away all on your own to stop it. How did you do that? What amazing power did you have that allowed you to stand so strong in the face of death itself? I'm so afraid of death.

But even so... you left me behind. Why? You knew you were the reason I chose to live! I would have died for you! I'd have instantly given my own life if it meant preserving yours! Why would you so willingly sacrifice yourself when it meant destroying my only purpose!? Now I have no reason to go on! The instant I find something worth fighting for, it's snatched away from me! Is this what it means to be alive? Are we all destined to live in pain? When Mitsuru's father was killed, she found strength to move on through the desire to carry out his wishes, but what am I supposed to do? Thanks to you, the Dark Hour is truly gone! There's nothing for me to fight, and nothing to fight for!

Why did you torture me so? I knew you were already dead when you returned from Nyx, so why did you stay for so long? How could you stand being the only one who remembered, when everyone else around carried on as if nothing had ever happened? I saw it on your face every day, the pain of your closest friends and allies suddenly turned to acquaintances, and you unable to fix it, to wake up from the nightmare. You even avoided me as well, and I never knew why. I had to watch from afar as you struggled through each day, both emotionally and physically. You must have known I would remember! As much as I wish to be alive, my body is still steel and circuits. I could never forget you, or any of the memories we share! And as soon as they finally remember, right when our Graduation Day promise was about to be fulfilled, you slip away before our eyes, without even getting to say goodbye. You should have told me you were feeling sick! I know the doctors never found a cause, but maybe if we had sought help earlier, we could have delayed it! Maybe I could have had another year to spend at your side! Even a month, a week, it doesn't matter, as long as I spent it with you! There is so much I still wanted to experience with you, there are so many questions I still have! What should I do now? What will happen to all of us? What happened to you? Please, I need to understand! You saved everyone, so save me too! Just give me an Answer!

[Dracos]

Huh.  I am familiar with it.

This is short.  fits on my monitor without pagedown short.  Wacky.

I ...have no idea who the voice of the fic is?   Well, aside from the fact it isn't Minato(MC) or Mitsuru.  Aside from that it reasonably could be any of the cast both romantic interests and otherwise, and I don't think that actually makes for a meaningful narrative.

It basically just floats there.  It's one long run-on apology without without a plot, setting or character. :\

If you wanted to improve it, I'd focus first on those three elements.  Even as a short vignette emotional piece, we should have a clue on just who is taking, where they are when they are talking, and some conclusion that has motion (Where the narrator is at the beginning is where they are the entire time, basically bemoaning Minato's death).  When you're writing, you need to have a clear picture of who is talking.  This doesn't mean it has to be obvious or can't pull a surprise, but the author needs to know who is talking and have a clear personality to their words.

Anyhow, hope that helps.

[VySaika]

Body is steel and circuits kinda gives away that it's Aigis, but frankly it doesn't sound like her at *all*. I litterally could not tell until then. Other then that...well, short and rambly at the same time is a bad combination, and when it's litterally all just a monologue like this...not portraying the character well is kinda bad. I generally think the less there is, the better you have to do it. In this case, that "better" would be actually making it sound like Aigis.