[NGE] The Reality I Make For Myself

[Rogh-sensei]

So this was an orphaned fic I started way, way back in '03 and rediscovered the existence of just recently. Just for kicks and giggles I thought I'd submit it for flaying to the Soulriders, since the prose of a 21-year-old college kid needs must truly be awful. That being said, I hope I don't end up over in Evil Commentary Bureau territory.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1305731/2/The-Reality-I-Make-For-Myself
*blindfold on, cigarette lit*.
Gentlemen.

[Muphrid]

I looked over the first chapter real quick.

The words broke the otherwise silent night. Silent but for the quiet sobbing of a young man, the savior of the whole world. Not that anyone knew this. Or cared. Right then, all anyone cared about was getting this stupid boy OFF of her. He was DRIPPING on her.  Shinji was practically a leaking vegetable, a husk of a man, barely aware enough to know that he had just tried to kill Asuka with his bare hands.  Finally, in a moment of terrifying deja vu for Shinji, Asuka spoke again.

Something about this construction seems strange.  All anyone cared about...that sounds like a general statement, but we go to something very specific.

Shinji just sat there, his mind awash with the impressions of the last few hours. He remembered Rei, huge and white, towering over him in Unit-01 after he'd been crucified on those lances. Those black eyes, then Kaoru in her place, the calm that came over him. Complete resignation to fate at that point, letting it all just happen. Then the jumble of images that was Instrumentality, the sea of Rei's swimming in unison, the mental chaos, the sea of LCL and Rei straddling him, her hands in his chest.  His mother, and then this...

Rei wasn't towering over him while in Unit-01; I think this can be rearranged somewhat to make the intended meaning more clear.

"Asuka... We're... Alive. And still us.  Instrumentality failed..."

It feels weird for Shinji to refer to it like it's something they're both familiar with.  Third Impact, sure, but Instrumentality?  So far, there've been several references to things--Rei's remark of "Will you get off?", Shinji's habit of clenching his fist, and now this.  These are all things the audience is keenly aware of, but they feel a bit out of place to me, being so prominently featured in narrative.

She favored him with a rare smile, like she did whenever one would save the other's life from some angel attack or other. Smiling back, Shinji thought to himself, She really is pretty, especially in this light...

We've flipped back and forth in the preceding paragraphs between Asuka wondering why she's saying something so nice and Shinji thinking about Asuka's smile.  It's certainly not a crime to flip back and forth between perspectives, but I know some people can find it jarring or lacking in fluidity.  How do you feel about it?

Looking around at the beach, he noticed that the surf wasn't actually water, and smelled suspiciously like blood, even though it was kind of a yellow-orange hue, and viscous.  The whole lake seemed to be made of LCL, and what a lake.  Where half of Tokyo-3 stood was now a giant hole in the ground, the area around it looking surprisingly intact. There were even lights in some sections of the city. Wherever the power generators were for the city, it wasn't under the central block.

This sentence here seems a bit ill-constructed.

Setting off, the two of them actually manage to fall into a comfortable silence, but before long, they start to talk.

You lapse into present tense here.

"Baka! Remember when you fought Zeruel, and your synch ratio jumped to over 400%?"

Asuka should not know that name--Zeruel.  Though it is somewhat plausible that she might have found it out thanks to Instrumentality.  Still, I don't see how it makes sense for Shinji not to remember at least that he was absorbed in this way.  Even if he doesn't remember it first-hand, he would've been told.

Walking away from ground zero, making their way back into what's left of the city, Shinji makes an afterthought, "As will having to put up with no one but ourselves."

You're still in present tense here.

Asuka shuddered, remembering the feeling of getting torn apart as her Eva was literally eaten alive. "That's certainly true."

And now you're back in past tense.

They walked in silence a little more, and came upon the convenience store that they usually went to. Naturally, it was devoid of people, but a couple of slicks of LCL dotted the road and floor.

Comma splice.

"Oh, yeah.. I forgot about Wondergirl. What do you think happened to her?"

"I...don't know." I don't have the heart to tell you the truth about her, not after Ritsuko killed them all.

But there was one left?  Why not tell Asuka what happened to that one, or think about what he does/does not know on the matter?

"Let's go down to headquarters, try that thing you were talking about, and pull Kaji out of the LCL!"

But Kaji died way, way before any of this...

*quietly* "Sweet dreams, Asuka."

What's with this description of the dialogue?

Shinji choked back a scream, not quite as overwhelmed this time. In a bizzare moment of deja-vu, he looked down at her, admiring her body through her nightshirt, but not trying to kiss her. Sighing, he pulled a blanket over her and rolled over, turning his music back on, fighting for sleep. He could have done without the dreams.

Bizarre.


So far, I haven't commented on the obvious unreality of the scene; there's no way all this stuff survived, but you know that and the introduction makes it reasonably clear.  Shinji and Asuka have taken in some ideas and experiences from other people in Instrumentality.  As a result, they have leeway to feel a little off, but I'm not sure if this is working as an instrument for growth vs. an excuse to be out of character.  It makes their new characterization instant, without needing intermediate time to adjust and change.  Thus far, I'm not sure what to think of it.

Mechanically, the writing itself is readable.  You lapse into some unusual constructions, and on occasion, the words strung together in the sequences that they take leave more room for confusion than you likely intended.  I've already talked about perspective a bit.  The story in general is a bit on the dialogue-heavy side, which means on the other hand some of the description of the setting and scene can be a bit sparse.  This is merely an observation; there's not a ton new here to describe, so I don't think there's any need to do things differently.

Overall, I'd just say the sudden shift in characterization from canon is a bit difficult to get used to.  That's the biggest thing I can glean from it so far.  It's not obvious to me what Shinji and Asuka will find upon returning to "Nerv", so there's no way for me to anticipate what is to come.

[Dracos]

So this was an orphaned fic I started way, way back in '03 and rediscovered the existence of just recently. Just for kicks and giggles I thought I'd submit it for flaying to the Soulriders, since the prose of a 21-year-old college kid needs must truly be awful. That being said, I hope I don't end up over in Evil Commentary Bureau territory.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1305731/2/The-Reality-I-Make-For-Myself
*blindfold on, cigarette lit*.
Gentlemen.

We generally don't ecb things that are passed out in humility :)  Everyone's gotta learn sometime.