[Ranma/Znt] Sightless Spark - Tsukaima

[KLSymph]

It is done.

[Anastasia]

Not gonna have time to read this for awhile, just wanted to say thanks for another chapter. I'll try and post something more helpful when I have time to sit down with it.

[Jason_Miao]

Quick notes as I read this.

Ranma stood in the courtyard, and returning his stare was a small frog that sat in the grass at his feet.  Curious teens surrounded him at a distance, waiting in quiet anticipation to see how this confrontation would end.

I like the image you've drawn here, but I thought the "returning his stare" part of the first line to be slightly awkward, since it was not established that Ranma is staring in the first place. 

Perhaps a blurb to transition the scene may help.  It would probably mean reworking the explanation from the "During the lunch hour" paragraph though.

The boy couldn't even maintain that power for a whole second before losing gas completely...

Did you mean that figuratively or literally?  Since "running out of gas" is an idiom but air is in the gas form of matter, it's a bit ambiguous.

"Well," the redhead said to the boy after a bit of thought, "it's about all I expected from you.  Won't somebody roll him out of here?"

Weren't you having her not use contractions?

"I am Kirche, the Ardent, of the principality of Anhalt-Zerbst."

Her voice pressed the rising clamour back down to silence. She looked neither scared nor angry, but her forcefulness sounded no less upset than anyone else.  She was, Ranma noticed, the first person here to introduce herself to him.

Ranma waved, and called back across the distance.  "Hello! Nice to meet you!"

Heh.

the flowing Sanskrit symbols making the word anitya.

A weak joke, Ranma admitted.

Clever, but I don't know if this will work for most readers if you don't explain the joke.

[thepanda]

They're reading it on the internet, J_M. >_>

[Jason_Miao]

They're reading it on the internet, J_M. >_>

Assuming you're addressing the last item, that's a fair point.  But in order to take advantage of that, they'd have to stop reading the fic, and google for the word.  IMO, having the reader stop reading in the middle of a story is not the result that a writer ought to aim for.

[KLSymph]

I like the image you've drawn here, but I thought the "returning his stare" part of the first line to be slightly awkward, since it was not established that Ranma is staring in the first place.

I put that there to simultaneously establish both that he was staring and being stared at. It's more punchy than separating "he was staring at a frog" and "the frog was staring back". Is it very awkward?

Did you mean that figuratively or literally?  Since "running out of gas" is an idiom but air is in the gas form of matter, it's a bit ambiguous.

Good point. "Losing steam" and "losing energy" will probably not work well either, from this perspective.

*opens thesaurus*

..."wearing out", I guess. Doesn't sound great, but it'll do.

Weren't you having her not use contractions?

I was having Kirche use fewer contractions, but she doesn't avoid them. Here I think she'd use them. It's not very consistent, but I'm playing it by ear.

Clever, but I don't know if this will work for most readers if you don't explain the joke. ...   But in order to take advantage of that, they'd have to stop reading the fic, and google for the word.  IMO, having the reader stop reading in the middle of a story is not the result that a writer ought to aim for.

The intent behind line is... complicated.  In-character, Ranma is making a personal joke that nobody else present is supposed to read, never mind understand. From the author's perspective, I'm not actually making a joke for the reader to get (although some readers may know the word and get a chuckle out of it, and if so, great). This line is actually to introduce the idea that Ranma knows some foreign-to-the-setting philosophical/religious concepts. I was thinking of playing up an East-vs-West contrast, where the mages are use magic based on Greek philosophical thought and Ranma (who's gotta be different) starts tossing around some Buddhism to confuse them.

If the reader wants to read up on the term, that's fine, but not necessary.

[Jason_Miao]

I like the image you've drawn here, but I thought the "returning his stare" part of the first line to be slightly awkward, since it was not established that Ranma is staring in the first place.

I put that there to simultaneously establish both that he was staring and being stared at. It's more punchy than separating "he was staring at a frog" and "the frog was staring back". Is it very awkward?

Slightly awkward, not very awkward.

Punchy is good (well, perhaps that's only an opinion, but its an opinion I happen to share).  But perhaps follow with a line that explains to the reader that there's a duel?  Something akin to 'Ranma wondered if this level of excitement happened with most poke...er, familiar[i/] duels' - maybe not that exact wording since that sort of bluntness works better with absurdist writing, but along those lines.

Did you mean that figuratively or literally?  Since "running out of gas" is an idiom but air is in the gas form of matter, it's a bit ambiguous.

Good point. "Losing steam" and "losing energy" will probably not work well either, from this perspective.

*opens thesaurus*

..."wearing out", I guess. Doesn't sound great, but it'll do.

Hmm...if you haven't done it before, you could point it out to the reader yourself.  "...before, figuratively and literally, running out of gas."  Directly pointing out a pun is something you don't want to do more than once over the course of the whole fic, if at all, but if you really like the wording, it's an option.

The intent behind line is... complicated.  In-character, Ranma is making a personal joke that nobody else present is supposed to read, never mind understand. From the author's perspective, I'm not actually making a joke for the reader to get (although some readers may know the word and get a chuckle out of it, and if so, great). This line is actually to introduce the idea that Ranma knows some foreign-to-the-setting philosophical/religious concepts. I was thinking of playing up an East-vs-West contrast, where the mages are use magic based on Greek philosophical thought and Ranma (who's gotta be different) starts tossing around some Buddhism to confuse them.

If the reader wants to read up on the term, that's fine, but not necessary.

My thought was that having Ranma flash a mysterious symbol and describing all of the teachers as being befuddled puts the reader in the same category as those befuddled teachers.    What about a quick half-explanation of the joke?  That's verboten if you're actually trying to make the reader laugh, but if you have other goals, explaining the joke so the reader can laugh along with Ranma at the confusion of the teachers might be okay.

Perhaps 'A weak joke, Ranma admitted.  He wondered how much time the mages would waste trying to reach enlightenment - that might be pretty funny.'  It wouldn't have the disruptive "Wait, what is that symbol anyway?" moment.  You'd also keep the advantage of anyone putting together the concept and the "Ranma=hentai" pun in the original series having the warm and fuzzy feeling of understanding an inside joke.

[KLSymph]

But perhaps follow with a line that explains to the reader that there's a duel?

Wouldn't "see how this confrontation would end" stand in for that?

Directly pointing out a pun is something you don't want to do more than once over the course of the whole fic, if at all, but if you really like the wording, it's an option.

I don't like that wording nearly enough to play my "acknowledge the pun" card on it.  Puns are a chthonic evil which must be stopped.

My thought was that having Ranma flash a mysterious symbol and describing all of the teachers as being befuddled puts the reader in the same category as those befuddled teachers. What about a quick half-explanation of the joke?

Befuddling the reader is an intended effect, but I'll take the advice on adding some sort of half-explanation. Leaving anitya there by itself is probably too stark.

[Jason_Miao]

But perhaps follow with a line that explains to the reader that there's a duel?

Wouldn't "see how this confrontation would end" stand in for that?

IMO, no, since it's just referring to a suddenly presented and seemingly random confrontation with a frog.  Which is why I'd initially suggested some transitional sentences, but if you like the sudden contrast between this and the previous scene, then that's exactly what you don't want to do.  A fast throwaway line to ground the reader until you get to the more substantive explanation might help.

You've already explained what's going on, in the "During the lunch hour" paragraph, so it's not as if you haven't explained what's happening or that we've even disagreed on whether it needs to be described at all.  It's just a matter of how fast you're willing to let the reader know - I think the "During the lunch hour" bit is a bit far into the scene.

Puns are a chthonic evil which must be stopped.

But your protagonist is one of Takahashi's characters? :p