[Haruhi] The Action Item of Suzumiya Haruhi

[Brian]

Man, I'm glad my job doesn't involve buzzword bingo. In the nitpicking contest I found two sentences with too much verb or something:

It kinda sucks! :p

Yuki paused was walking toward the door, but paused halfway there from her seat.

Kyon stared at the go board with a frown as I waved at Koizumi waited for my response.

Okay, I fixed those; side-effects of my earlier revisions.  I also realized I needed to add the term 'apples-to-apples comparison' somewhere in the bingo.  Revision up shortly. :p

Thanks for the feedback!

[sarsaparilla]

I think that the changes in version 4 address all the concerns I had, and I can't see any further issues with the plot. The mechanism should now be sufficiently apparent to a careful reader without making it so obvious that it would make Haruhi look bad for not noticing it.

The addition of Haruhi mentioning the issue during the opening scene so that Koizumi could hear it gives a valid reference to Koizumi's line in the final scene, and thus removes the source of potential confusion. While it would be in principle possible to postulate that Koizumi was introduced to Haruhi's concern while visiting the business world, I wanted to believe that this particular closed space shriveled up on its own accord (like the important one in Melancholy) because the idea of Koizumi cutting down lookalike versions of brigade members to destroy the space would have been incompatible with the overall tone of the story.

[Brian]

Excellent, I'm very glad it seems to have worked.

Regarding the thought of the space going away on its own -- that's what I was aiming for, really.  The idea is that Haruhi feels (basically) a bit angsty about drifting from her original ideals, but resolves her turmoil on her own (with some help from her subconscious).

Plus, I think to fight that Brigade, Koizumi would need to use his powers to buy them out in a high-stakes hostile takeover with a lot of paperwork being exchanged furiously while he tried to match their buzzword bingo word-for-work.  Potentially hilarious, but ultimately a bit too absurd. ;)

Thanks again for the feedback -- from everyone, really. :)

[sarsaparilla]

to fight that Brigade, Koizumi would need to use his powers to buy them out in a high-stakes hostile takeover with a lot of paperwork being exchanged furiously while he tried to match their buzzword bingo word-for-work.  Potentially hilarious, but ultimately a bit too absurd.

That sounds like a wonderful idea for a mini-omake.

[Brian]

Heh.  That exceeds my ability to write it, I suspect.  Anyone else who would like to is welcome to, though!

[Dracos]

Hum.

This was read.

Perhaps unsurprisingly for me, I have no real comment.  It was absorbable and clear and I followed it, but I think it is not my thing.

~~

We are all pigs at this table.  But some pigs are more equal than others.  We have taxed and replaced your metaphors.