[Haruhi] The Link of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Altes]

Not quite sure if I should start it here or in the Writing Section... Whatever, if it's wrong to do so here, I'm sure someone will point it out. Okay.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8820769/1/The-Link-of-Haruhi-Suzumiya

Plot summary doesn't say much (takes place after the final Haruhi novel and blah blah blah), but that's just to avoid spoiling, although it does mention Asakura's appearance. It's not my first work, but it's the first one I intend to finish, and I haven't been writing in many years, so this fanfic is not perfect and won't ever be (the best I can do is not making it a piece of cr@p). Therefore, any kind of C&C is welcome, especially since I've received a miserable amount of feedback so far. Bash it, love it, threaten to burn me at the stake along with my fanfic or beg for an update - everything will make me happy. Now if only my studying didn't get in the way, I would've written much more by now...

[JonBob]

Howdy, welcome to Soulriders.  This will only be a little C&C over the prologue. I'll try to get to the (numerous!) chapters later and may/may not comment on individual chapters:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Summer vacations were over

Usually, it's just a single "summer vacation" so "Summer vacation was over,"

What's much more amusing that all those things she desperately hopes to meet one day do exist

"What's much more amusing is that ...."

She is the most beautiful girl in our school, and she's also what an otaku would call a moe

Couple things. First, moe is and adjective, so you'd say "..an otaku would call moe". Second, it's just way too blah. Like, Kyon really finds her attractive, so maybe something like "Her beauty and loveliness surpass all in the school, but she's what an otaku might refer to as moe:"

knows a great lot of smart things and random trivia

either "great deal" or "lots", but not "great lot". Also, maybe give examples of smart things like philosophy, ethics, scientific theories, whatever.

Also, I'd probably try to simplify his role here. Maybe just say that his powers focus around monitoring Haruhi's emotional state and calming her down. But it could go either way.

Nagato believes this power will eventually serve as a means of evolving the life in the universe. Asahina-san thinks that Haruhi is responsible for blocking the time travel beyond a certain point

"life" and "time travel". No "the"

I and the rest of the SOS Brigade are students of the North High school

"The rest of the SOS Brigade and I are students of North High"

Haruhi and I go to the same class, so when we opened the door, the first thing we saw was what we expected to see the least.

This sentence is a bit awkward, and at this point I don't think Kyon and Haruhi would arrive at the same time. However: "Haruhi and I are in the same class, so when we opened the door, our first sight was completely unexpected."


The prologue feels a little off. The tone seems to be a bit too clinical, and less personal and snarky. Also, it feels like Kyon hasn't had any character growth. By the end 9-ish, Kyon's had time to get to know and like the brigade. Here he's just rattling off facts w/o much relational description.

[Altes]

Eek, that's what happens when you don't write fanfics in your native language. Thanks, anyway, I'll edit it as soon as I can.

[Muphrid]

Prologue:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and construction

Tell us something we don't already know. This extended introduction may be appropriate for a prologue, but it's still something most people familiar with Haruhi would be tempted to skip over. 

Ironically, you don't introduce Asakura prior to her popping in from nowhere.  This is something we can all appreciate, but this runs counter to the introduction.

Style and command

Opening pretty straightforward.  Kyon sometimes does this, but as often as not, he can be very idiosyncratic. 

Kyon's compares Nagato to Neo. While he makes references often, this strikes me as out of place--too contemporary, too Western, and made too openly, rather than obliquely. 

Kyon's description of Koizumi is a bit too positive, not betraying the skepticism Kyon usually regards him with.

Kyon's description of Asakura, however, is spot on--"the snake hiding behind a pretty face" is a good line.

Misc

Autumn is rarely so early in September.  I take it you meant the first day of autumn term.

Chapter 1:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and construction
Again, we start out heavy in exposition--most of which we already know.  While you may feel it necessary to give new readers context, right now the signal (new content) to noise (rehashed material) is pretty low.  You've spent most of the text to this point doing exposition instead of creating a scene.  I dare say you've used exposition at the expense of a sense of time and place.  We only find out that it's the beginning of fall at the end of the prologue, not one paragraph before Asakura walks in the door.  Basically, all we know that's going on in Kyon's life right now (versus what's part of the premise of the Haruhi series) is that...summer's over.  On the one hand, it feels fast because we don't know much else before Asakura appears.  On the other hand, it feels slow because we spend a lot of time going through exposition.

Style and command

"Hi", I said to her while stopping at my seat. "I see you are back. For good this time?"

Commas go inside quotation marks.  Seriously.

It wasn't until a couple of days later when I learned about all the details, so when Asakura appeared, I was shocked and stricken with absolute horror.  And now I was feeling the same way, even though this time things are much more different. Haruhi is right here, and now I've entered the class to see her here, not the other way around.

You're being sloppy with time; you went into the past to tell what happened with Asakura before, but now when you come back to the time of the story, you lapse into present, even though the rest of the story is in past tense.  I suggest putting all "flashback-like" material into past perfect.  "I had been shocked and stricken..." for instance.  This lets you stay in the past for the main parts of the story, while putting those part that are further back in a different tense.

Chapter 2:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and construction

"Okay, I'll stop here for today," said Shiraki about an hour later and looked at his wristwatch. "We've got a couple of minutes before the bell rings, so I'd like to try myself as the homeroom teacher for the first time. It won't be long, I promise. Goto-san!"

This is a common technique--trying to sneak in information about time and place while other things are going on.  It's a minimal approach, but it can also be jarring.  Going from chapter 1 to 2, it's just BAM, snap fingers, time passed.  It can be feel very sudden.  On this scale, it's more a stylistic thing, but this strikes me as something that underlies your entire approach to writing scenes--it comes off a bit TV-esque, like watching a cut on film or TV go by.

This plot point--Goto resigning his post for Asakura--seems very "functional," in the sense that it just comes up and is dealt with quickly, and without any previous setup.  Sometimes, that can smack of laziness or lack of forethought.  As this is the beginning of the story, you can get some more slack here, though.

That the Celestials are linked to Asakura's return is an obvious conclusion; it would be interesting if this turns out to be more nuanced than what it appears.

You go straight from the Brigade room to late that night with nothing in-between.  Again, very TV-esque, and it also makes Kyon come off as reactive.  A proactive person would have used all the rest of the time in the day to think about what's going on and what to do about it.  Instead, we can only infer from absence that Kyon does nothing and is content to let things happen as they come.

Characterization and development
Kyon comes off a bit more like himself here as he gripes over Haruhi's excitement toward Shiraki.

Kyon is really trying to take charge of things while the Brigade discuss Asakura's appearance and the Celestials.  This is usually something Koizumi would be in control of, his fatigued state notwithstanding.

Haruhi biting Asahina's ear again feels like something that is focused on too much by fandom.  Haruhi can be more creative.

Haruhi's idea for the contest does feel very much like her, though.  It's a bit odd--Haruhi isn't usually thought of as being into video games.  Nagato's choice, too, is problematic.  She reads books.  Surely she could pick a book character to dress up as.

Misc

I shuffled to the cultural department and stopped at the door with a sign that said "Literature Club." The sign is a fake, of course.

I would say more that the sign is misleading; it's very "real" though.

General comments on text from prologue through chapter two:

Plot and construction
Rather minimalistic, reads like TV put in words.  Perfectly valid if that's your goal, but I see it a lot in intermediate-level writers that have mastered the ability to do a scene but not yet graduated to gluing those scenes together with narrative and layering themes on top of them.

Characterization and development
Characters are roughly consistent with their canonical selves.  Kyon comes under the most scrutiny for his narrative, which seemed problematic at the beginning.  So far, the characters have not really faced adversity and been forced to develop, however.  Not a big deal at this stage, but I can't glimpse how they might be tested on a personal level.

Style and command
Your command is good; you do not struggle in getting your thoughts put down into words.  You do struggle in some places with some constructions that, while not incorrect, do seem unusual; given that you have stated you're not a native English speaker, I don't view this as a serious problem--these are phrases and such that can be caught in editing; sarsaparilla has similar moments, but both of you have the basic sense of how sentences should be put together, and that's what counts.

Your style seems a bit more straightforward than what characterizes Kyon, however.  He likes to go into digressions and to be a little more cynical or tongue-in-cheek about things.  You seem to play things a bit more straight-up.

Theme
No theme to speak of, no greater message that I can perceive.  Perhaps you can comment on your intentions here, but right now, the vibe I get is, "Wouldn't it be interesting if Asakura came back?  And how would Kyon and the Brigade react?"  So basically, we're on the level of a typical action movie in that sense--can be perfectly entertaining, if that's what you choose to do.

Overall
The story is readable, not difficult to go through at this stage.  But to my personal taste, so far I haven't seen something that interests me either in terms of character development or a strong theme.  For that reason, your story doesn't stand out as yet, but it is an early juncture and I'm not going to judge it entirely based on this early impression.  You have the technical ability to add such elements to your future writing if you choose to do so, in my opinion.

[Altes]

Parts of my comment are under the spoiler tags as well, colored in blue. The missing parts of your comment are the ones I agree or don't want to argue with, or simply have nothing to add. It also makes the post shorter and cleaner.
Prologue:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and construction

Ironically, you don't introduce Asakura prior to her popping in from nowhere.  This is something we can all appreciate, but this runs counter to the introduction.

And why would I do that? Kyon wasn't expecting her return - he never does, actually. Otherwise, it'd be like, "there also was this alien girl who tried to kill me - oh sh**, she's here!"

Style and command

Kyon's description of Koizumi is a bit too positive, not betraying the skepticism Kyon usually regards him with.

I like to think Kyon thinks better of Koizumi now, having spent a year together in the same team and all.

Chapter 2:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and construction

This plot point--Goto resigning his post for Asakura--seems very "functional," in the sense that it just comes up and is dealt with quickly, and without any previous setup.  Sometimes, that can smack of laziness or lack of forethought.  As this is the beginning of the story, you can get some more slack here, though.

Truth be told, when I only began writing this, I didn't even know there was a guy named Goto who took Asakura's place as a class rep. I can't remember him being mentioned in any novel, let alone in the anime, so until a reader pointed out that there was this Goto, Kyon's class hasn't had a class rep since Asakura's removal at all. So it used to look much better before: Shiraki suggested Asakura becomes the class rep again and fills the void which had been there for a year.

That the Celestials are linked to Asakura's return is an obvious conclusion; it would be interesting if this turns out to be more nuanced than what it appears.

Kyon is in denial :) He doesn't like the thought of supernatural always interfering with his or anyone's life, so unless he is faced with solid proof (or something big, like Asakura replacing Haruhi in Disappearance or Nagato getting sick in Astonishment when this should be impossible for her), he prefers to think there is no bigger picture. That is, until the one responsible is discovered. Koizumi, on the other hand, is used to stuff like that.

You go straight from the Brigade room to late that night with nothing in-between.  Again, very TV-esque, and it also makes Kyon come off as reactive.  A proactive person would have used all the rest of the time in the day to think about what's going on and what to do about it.  Instead, we can only infer from absence that Kyon does nothing and is content to let things happen as they come.

Boy, is he going to regret it. But you do have a point.

Characterization and development
Kyon is really trying to take charge of things while the Brigade discuss Asakura's appearance and the Celestials.  This is usually something Koizumi would be in control of, his fatigued state notwithstanding.

Soon, Kyon won't have the luxury of being a mere observer anymore. He better get used to taking action. Might as well start immediately.

Haruhi biting Asahina's ear again feels like something that is focused on too much by fandom.  Haruhi can be more creative.

Remember the baseball episode?

Haruhi's idea for the contest does feel very much like her, though.  It's a bit odd--Haruhi isn't usually thought of as being into video games.  Nagato's choice, too, is problematic.  She reads books.  Surely she could pick a book character to dress up as.

I chose Rei Ayanami for Nagato because of their names ("Yuki Nagato" is a pun on "Rei Ayanami") and the similarity of their characters. Acting as someone else might be difficult for Nagato. As for Haruhi, I have no doubt that she'd love to be in Commander Shepard's shoes. A brave soldier in command of a space ship, exploring the galaxy, encountering all sorts of aliens and fighting ancient evil robots? That ought to induce a fangirl squee in her.

General comments on text from prologue through chapter two:

Plot and construction
Rather minimalistic, reads like TV put in words.  Perfectly valid if that's your goal, but I see it a lot in intermediate-level writers that have mastered the ability to do a scene but not yet graduated to gluing those scenes together with narrative and layering themes on top of them.

It gets better. Length of the chapters, I mean. The writing's quality isn't up to me to judge, though.

[Muphrid]

Ironically, you don't introduce Asakura prior to her popping in from nowhere.  This is something we can all appreciate, but this runs counter to the introduction.

And why would I do that? Kyon wasn't expecting her return - he never does, actually. Otherwise, it'd be like, "there also was this alien girl who tried to kill me - oh sh**, she's here!"

That's fair, but still, it feels very asymmetrical.  Perhaps my concern is more with how the other introductions are handled vs. this one then.  It strikes me you could've introduced Haruhi and the others the same way you introduce Asakura--that is, on the fly and as needed--for a more consistent experience.

This plot point--Goto resigning his post for Asakura--seems very "functional," in the sense that it just comes up and is dealt with quickly, and without any previous setup.  Sometimes, that can smack of laziness or lack of forethought.  As this is the beginning of the story, you can get some more slack here, though.

Truth be told, when I only began writing this, I didn't even know there was a guy named Goto who took Asakura's place as a class rep. I can't remember him being mentioned in any novel, let alone in the anime, so until a reader pointed out that there was this Goto, Kyon's class hasn't had a class rep since Asakura's removal at all. So it used to look much better before: Shiraki suggested Asakura becomes the class rep again and fills the void which had been there for a year.

Yeah, I can't recall it being mentioned canonically either.  I guess one question I have, then, is whether it's important Asakura be class rep again.  It probably is, and I just haven't gotten there yet, but I'm curious nevertheless.

Kyon is really trying to take charge of things while the Brigade discuss Asakura's appearance and the Celestials.  This is usually something Koizumi would be in control of, his fatigued state notwithstanding.

Soon, Kyon won't have the luxury of being a mere observer anymore. He better get used to taking action. Might as well start immediately.

I spose my view on this is that, if Kyon's already being proactive, it's one less thing he can grow into over the course of the story.  To me, it looks like lost potential for character development.

Haruhi biting Asahina's ear again feels like something that is focused on too much by fandom.  Haruhi can be more creative.

Remember the baseball episode?

Sure I do, but I don't remember Haruhi biting Asahina's ear ever before or since.  I picked on this point as a pet peeve--you probably have not done anything wrong here. But a lot of the time I see writers fixate on a small set of characteristic actions that a given character has performed in the past, and then they repeat those actions as if to say, "Hey, I'm proving to you, the reader, that this is really character X!"  It's a poor substitute for consistent characterization.

Again, I was probably premature in pointing this out.  You have not done anything wrong here, but Haruhi biting Asahina's ear is one of those memetic actions that throws a red flag for me whenever I see it.

That the Celestials are linked to Asakura's return is an obvious conclusion; it would be interesting if this turns out to be more nuanced than what it appears.

Kyon is in denial :) He doesn't like the thought of supernatural always interfering with his or anyone's life, so unless he is faced with solid proof (or something big, like Asakura replacing Haruhi in Disappearance or Nagato getting sick in Astonishment when this should be impossible for her), he prefers to think there is no bigger picture. That is, until the one responsible is discovered. Koizumi, on the other hand, is used to stuff like that.

Indeed, it seems natural to me that Kyon wouldn't want to put those pieces together, especially when even if he did, it's not obvious how he would fix it.  So I think that's reasonable.  But as a reader, I know that these must be connected (being genre savvy and all), so already I'm thinking about how these matters could be intertwined.  If that was your intention--to get the reader thinking on that point--then that's good.

Haruhi's idea for the contest does feel very much like her, though.  It's a bit odd--Haruhi isn't usually thought of as being into video games.  Nagato's choice, too, is problematic.  She reads books.  Surely she could pick a book character to dress up as.

I chose Rei Ayanami for Nagato because of their names ("Yuki Nagato" is a pun on "Rei Ayanami") and the similarity of their characters. Acting as someone else might be difficult for Nagato. As for Haruhi, I have no doubt that she'd love to be in Commander Shepard's shoes. A brave soldier in command of a space ship, exploring the galaxy, encountering all sorts of aliens and fighting ancient evil robots? That ought to induce a fangirl squee in her.

Sure, Nagato as a Rei Ayanami expy is rather well-known.  I could create a checklist of shy blue-haired girls for Nagato to cosplay as.  Rei?  Or Tabitha from Familiar of Zero?  Or Minami from Lucky Star (doubles as Actor Allusion)?  While I thought Haruhi as Shepard was a bit unusual, I do like the idea because it's creative and I can anticipate that Haruhi will have a unique approach toward it.  Nagato as Rei Ayanami, on the other hand, feels like an obvious association.

Rather minimalistic, reads like TV put in words.  Perfectly valid if that's your goal, but I see it a lot in intermediate-level writers that have mastered the ability to do a scene but not yet graduated to gluing those scenes together with narrative and layering themes on top of them.

It gets better. Length of the chapters, I mean. The writing's quality isn't up to me to judge, though.

Sure, I don't mean to give the impression that it's just length for length's sake.  And I've definitely seen writers over time figure some things out on their own and make changes to their style.  A good example would be The Gamma Dimension.  The beginning of that piece is pretty unpolished, but by the end, Lostar's technical ability and the sophistication of his constructions is much, much more readable.  It's pretty profound, if you ask me.  The plot has some issues that he and I have discussed before, but it just goes to show that as you write (and read, too) just the exposure and the opportunity to keep thinking on things leads to an evolution of style and approach.  It's actually something I really enjoy seeing in other writers.


I should be able to read a few more chapters and give some thoughts on them later today.

[Muphrid]

Chapters 3, 4, and 5:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and structure

"It worked," said Nagato. "We have entered the Closed Space. However, I cannot sense Itsuki Koizumi anywhere here."

"What do you mean? He's not here? Is this – this can't be another trap set just for us, can it?"

A trap?  Another one?  What do you mean?


The monster of chapter 3 is, honestly, dealt with very quickly.  As there are too many lingering questions about what it was, I can only assume it will be brought up again as part of a larger issue.


To be honest, when Koizumi went white, I thought sure he was reacting to the teacher, not Haruhi.

Leaping to the conclusion that there are two Haruhis doesn't seem that far-fetched, since Koizumi is so sure Haruhi is involved.  You do a thorough job of ruling out other possibilities to make it reasonable.  As an aside, why not posit that Yasumi Watashashi is around?


I'll be honest--sword-fighting did not occur to me at all.  As a literal method of combat, it seems silly by comparison to Koizumi's powers in Closed Space or Nagato's powers in general.  Had the sword fight been simply a means to get Kyon to elaborate on what he wants, I could accept that well enough.  This plot point as it is, I'm not so sure about, but clearly it's premature to judge it outright.



Style and command

"Did it work?" I looked around and saw the girls didn't go anywhere. I saw them clearly, as if they were standing under a bright sunlight... only there was no sun in this pitch black dimension. Nothing was here, except us. I could also see my own body. But where is Koizumi?

You lapse into present tense again, and I think this is particly because you start using the words "this" and "here" instead of "that" and "there".  The latter emphasize the distance in place and time from the narrator giving narration and the events of the narration themselves.


Characterization and development

Nagato insists that Kyon and Asahina accompany her to Koizumi's house, and Kyon feels this is out of camaraderie.  While it feels a little forced to me (since Kyon infers it, rather than Nagato giving an explicit hint saying so), I can accept it.

"Wait!" I put my hand on her shoulder. "What is our plan, anyway?"

Whoa, whoa, bodily contact.  That's significant.


Kyon's interaction with his sister feels right on.  The subsequent interaction with Asakura, however, feels like it could've been much more tense.  She touches him (grabbing him by the elbow), and his reaction is honestly more annoyed than, say, outright freaked (which would be easily justified, in my opinion).


Kyon has a pretty out-of-character moment when he tries to needle Haruhi into saying she cares--he acknowledges this is unusual for him, too, so it's seems reasonable enough.  That he continues this calling people nakama thing for an extended period, though, just feels weird to me--like he's in too good a mood.


Koizumi's reaction to Kyon meeting Asakura is a bit strong--not at all as measured as he usually is.  Perhaps this can be blamed on his recent near-death experience, but it is noticeable.

I didn't answer. But I knew the way, and all I could do was start walking, so Asakura just followed. I couldn't say I was scared... but I was feeling uneasy indeed. This seemed all too peaceful not to be a trap. And I was walking straight into it. Good grief.

There's no way he would let her follow him.  That's not safe!

Misc

"Kyon!" I saw Asahina-san standing on the station, waving at me. Nagato was by her side, watching as I approached and hit the brakes. A taxi was also here. Are we going for a ride? Why couldn't they pick me up at my place?

Asahina always refers to him as Kyon-kun.

"We don't know. But we can tell that we are dealing with no ordinary Closed Space. Not just because we can't enter, but also because Koizumi-san's body is still in his house, lying there unconscious. It's not supposed to be like this. Either you enter a Closed Space physically, or not at all."

This is Arakawa's line; it is not established that he is an esper specifically, only that he works for the Organization.  While I don't think it's a problem to assume such, Kyon probably would not assume it and may, at least, be surprised that Arakawa is an esper after all.

In chapter three, you avoid the issue of "Koizumi" referring to Koizumi, his mother, and his father by having the characters switch to call him "Itsuki" instead.  My gut reaction is that Kyon, Asahina, and Nagato would still refer to him as Koizumi-kun or Itsuki Koizumi but call his parents Aunt and Uncle (or, perhaps better matching cultural sentiment, ma'am and sir).  I'm not 100% confident on this, however; perhaps the issue needs input from an expert.

You refer to the station as "north station" frequently.  Is there a particular reason for this?  I've looked up the kanji before and seen that it might be called North Gate Station.  Regardless, I'd be interested to hear why you think it shouldn't be capitalized.

"Of course you are! Mikuru, why are you standing there? Make some tea for our guest!"

Mikuru-chan.

And when I turned around, I felt something grabbed my sleeve from behind. I froze. I looked back and saw Nagato holding the sleeve of my uniform with her fingers. This... this is like the time she was turned into a normal human. I couldn't move. I waited to see what Nagato would do next.

This is, to me, exactly like Haruhi biting Asahina's ear again.  Repetition for the sake of being referential that adds little substance.  Is this repetition of a previous gesture really better than a new gesture that carries the same significance, in your opinion?

"Have you forgotten? I almost killed Nagato when she was protecting you. That should say enough about the terms we were on."

Asakura always refers to her as Nagato-san.

Overall impressions:

Plot and structure:  I think the pace is still a little fast, but it doesn't feel off, and the progression of scenes feels natural.

Right now, we can guess that Haruhi has recruited Asakura to help Kyon step into a more physical role, that the attack on Koizumi was merely staged by Haruhi to push Kyon.  I can see some troublesome interpretations, but it really depends on Haruhi's level of awareness.  As usual.

Style and command:  Overall, the style is a bit more fleshed out here, and not noticeably sparse at any time.

Characterization and development: Nagato and Asahina are as usual.  Kyon seems quite fixated on this idea of the Brigade as a unit and its cohesion.  Haruhi is not really paying attention to any of that.  Koizumi is back to being largely steady, despite his one "oh crap" moment.  It's important that Kyon admits what he wants to Asakura, and this is a natural extension of his thoughts and feelings thus far.

Theme: As you've mentioned, there seems to be a big focus on the overall cohesion of the brigade.  This heavily underlies Kyon's train of thought as the Brigade go to Koizumi's home and when Kyon feels responsible for whatever may happen to Koizumi.  This seems reinforced by the idea that Kyon needs to train with Asakura to improve himself and, by extension, become more capble of handling himself on behalf of the Brigade.  Asking Kyon's motivations--to help protect his friends--hits on that point nicely.  Right now, however, while I can see how this cohesion of the Brigade is important to Kyon, and it's an idea that appeals to me, it doesn't yet strike me as new and interesting.  The Brigade have been growing closer for some time in the series.  Right now, the reason Kyon has to be dealing with these issues seems, at best, artificial in origin, and the sentiment is pretty generic.  It may be that you will focus in on something more profound later on.

[Altes]

Chapters 3, 4, and 5:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and structure

"It worked," said Nagato. "We have entered the Closed Space. However, I cannot sense Itsuki Koizumi anywhere here."

"What do you mean? He's not here? Is this – this can't be another trap set just for us, can it?"

A trap?  Another one?  What do you mean?

Kyon's referring to the fact that this unusual Closed Space has trapped Koizumi's consciousness, and is confused by what's before his eyes (the chapter isn't called Blindfold for nothing). Thus, he thinks this is another trap for the three of them.

The monster of chapter 3 is, honestly, dealt with very quickly.  As there are too many lingering questions about what it was, I can only assume it will be brought up again as part of a larger issue.

A bit too quickly, indeed :)

Leaping to the conclusion that there are two Haruhis doesn't seem that far-fetched, since Koizumi is so sure Haruhi is involved.  You do a thorough job of ruling out other possibilities to make it reasonable.  As an aside, why not posit that Yasumi Watashashi is around?

Koizumi is sure he saw Haruhi's aura/data encryption, and Nagato confirms it's unique in appearance. I don't even know what Yasumi's aura would look like, being spawn by Haruhi's subconsciousness as a means to stop Fujiwara's plan or whatever nonsense was given to explain her purpose... Still, I don't think she's around (close nearby, maybe, but not too much, since she only pretended to be a North High student) and I never liked her anyway. She won't appear in the story.

Characterization and development

"Wait!" I put my hand on her shoulder. "What is our plan, anyway?"

Whoa, whoa, bodily contact.  That's significant.

Maybe there's really a bit too much physical contact between the characters... Odd that you didn't mention Kyon taking Nagato and Mikuru's hands before going inside Koizumi's house. Well, Kyon should be 16 by now, so I guess it's okay for him to touch his female friends as a supportive gesture -- at the very least.

Kyon has a pretty out-of-character moment when he tries to needle Haruhi into saying she cares--he acknowledges this is unusual for him, too, so it's seems reasonable enough.  That he continues this calling people nakama thing for an extended period, though, just feels weird to me--like he's in too good a mood.

Kyon did act silly, indeed. However, Haruhi's reaction is more important in this scene.

Koizumi's reaction to Kyon meeting Asakura is a bit strong--not at all as measured as he usually is.  Perhaps this can be blamed on his recent near-death experience, but it is noticeable.

Not to mention it contrasts rather sharply with his reaction when Fujiwara and Kuyo Suou were threatening to kill Haruhi in front of him. To lose his cool when a different friend of his might be in grave danger... No, Koizumi certainly isn't being Kyonsexual, and while he wasn't there when Asakura attacked Kyon both times in the past, I believe he would've freaked out if he had witnessed either of the events. His friendship with Kyon is much stronger and has more soul than with Haruhi, who's basically a walking time bomb and has to be constantly entertained or else.

I didn't answer. But I knew the way, and all I could do was start walking, so Asakura just followed. I couldn't say I was scared... but I was feeling uneasy indeed. This seemed all too peaceful not to be a trap. And I was walking straight into it. Good grief.

There's no way he would let her follow him.  That's not safe!

Whoops. My bad. Especially since he refuses to turn his back to her a few paragraphs later.

Misc

"We don't know. But we can tell that we are dealing with no ordinary Closed Space. Not just because we can't enter, but also because Koizumi-san's body is still in his house, lying there unconscious. It's not supposed to be like this. Either you enter a Closed Space physically, or not at all."

This is Arakawa's line; it is not established that he is an esper specifically, only that he works for the Organization.  While I don't think it's a problem to assume such, Kyon probably would not assume it and may, at least, be surprised that Arakawa is an esper after all.

Some insight on the Organization will be provided in later chapters. Since it's a fanfic, it's 100% my headcanon.

You refer to the station as "north station" frequently.  Is there a particular reason for this?  I've looked up the kanji before and seen that it might be called North Gate Station.  Regardless, I'd be interested to hear why you think it shouldn't be capitalized.

I've read "north station" in English translations of the novels numerous times.

And when I turned around, I felt something grabbed my sleeve from behind. I froze. I looked back and saw Nagato holding the sleeve of my uniform with her fingers. This... this is like the time she was turned into a normal human. I couldn't move. I waited to see what Nagato would do next.

This is, to me, exactly like Haruhi biting Asahina's ear again.  Repetition for the sake of being referential that adds little substance.  Is this repetition of a previous gesture really better than a new gesture that carries the same significance, in your opinion?

I thought it would be curious if alien-Nagato suddenly did the same thing as human-Nagato. Perhaps she's becoming more and more human?

[Altes]

Today, I've begun reading Durandall's Kyon: Big Damn Hero, and oh boy. I hope people won't think I've been stealing ideas from him >.< Although, the only similarity I've found so far is Nagato getting disconnected from her boss in Haruhi's favor, and likewise with Asakura and the other Haruhi. And what Haruhi does to Asakura in K:BDH sounds awfully familiar, too (not quite the same, however). Great minds think alike, maybe? :D

[Brian]

I wouldn't worry about it.

The author of K:BDH is a big jerk.  No one likes him anyway. >_>

[Muphrid]

Koizumi's reaction to Kyon meeting Asakura is a bit strong--not at all as measured as he usually is.  Perhaps this can be blamed on his recent near-death experience, but it is noticeable.

Not to mention it contrasts rather sharply with his reaction when Fujiwara and Kuyo Suou were threatening to kill Haruhi in front of him. To lose his cool when a different friend of his might be in grave danger... No, Koizumi certainly isn't being Kyonsexual, and while he wasn't there when Asakura attacked Kyon both times in the past, I believe he would've freaked out if he had witnessed either of the events. His friendship with Kyon is much stronger and has more soul than with Haruhi, who's basically a walking time bomb and has to be constantly entertained or else.

I think you're mischaracterizing Koizumi's feelings toward Haruhi a bit.  Ignoring Disappearance-land, Koizumi still seems to have some level of admiration and respect for Haruhi.  I think at this point, Koizumi can see her more as a charming and magnetic personality, rather then the troublesome girl he may have seen her as before.  That said, the circumstances here can shape his reaction substantially.

You refer to the station as "north station" frequently.  Is there a particular reason for this?  I've looked up the kanji before and seen that it might be called North Gate Station.  Regardless, I'd be interested to hear why you think it shouldn't be capitalized.

I've read "north station" in English translations of the novels numerous times.

Huh, interesting.  On looking through a couple Brown editions, I've only seen "Kitaguchi station".  Must be a publication thing.



Chapters 6 & 7

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and structure

"To the members of the SOS Brigade. All of them, with the exception of their leader. Kyon, Koizumi, Nagato and Mikuru, I hope you all are hearing this. Anyway, here's the message. Hi everyone! I have Mikuru's TPDD. Rest assured, it's in good hands and nothing is going to happen to it. Of course, I'm not planning to give it back, so Mikuru, you'll have to do without it for now."

Conspicuous that the writer of the message refers to Mikuru by given name, but Koizumi and Nagato by family name.

There's that feeling again! While Shiraki was explaining the basics of that theory of his, I could feel déjà vu tingling in my brain. He reminded me of someone... But of whom?

My immediate thought goes to Sasaki--very rational, prone to speeches.

"I don't see why not," shrugged Shiraki. "A few hundred years ago people would have never thought about having carts riding without horses or machines flying on their own, but here they are, and we can't imagine our life without them. Of course, breaking the light barrier is a much tougher challenge. It won't be accomplished in... a very... long time."

Or, maybe he's a time-traveler.


Style and command

"This is where I live." We stopped near an apartment which had fewer floors than Nagato's. That's not how I thought it would be. I expected Asahina-san to live in her own house with her family, like Koizumi and I do... Ah, but it wouldn't make sense. The future is her home, not present. Of course she would live in an apartment, just like Nagato and Asakura.

The description of the apartment is a bit sparse.  This is not a bad thing--it hardly seems like such details would be important--but on the other hand, Kyon might well want to commit this image to memory, and not commenting on it seems like it could be inconsistent with that impulse.  Neither approach seems distinctly better than the other, but I felt this was an interesting enough issue to comment upon.

Fortunately, after we were done with it, and I might say, there was very little berating on their part, my parents have decided I found myself a girlfriend, and I'm just too shy to admit it. Dad gave me a couple of advices that might be useful if I actually dated a girl, and Mom was so happy that her little boy was all grown up. I couldn't make them believe that they've got it all wrong, but it's probably for the better. Because I can't tell them or my sister what I was actually doing last night and most of this day.

You want either "had decided" or "decided" depending on the exact time that this decision was made.  You also want "a couple pieces of advice" or maybe just "some advice".  You want "date" or "were dating" (the latter would fit Kyon's sophisticated grammar).

So when tomorrow came, I could safely venture off to meet with Haruhi and the others on the north station. I bet my sister expected Mom and Dad would ground me. Fat chance, kid.

You want "at the north station".

"Okay, is the task clear? Look everywhere, stay sharp and find me a mystery! Kyon, if I find out you dragged Koizumi to a karaoke bar, I will make you wear female school uniform. For a week! And you will be referring to yourself as Kyonko!"

Now there's a nice gag.

The day I met Haruhi was my first day in high school. I was 15 years old, and by that time I had given up on trying to brighten up my boring ordinary life with something that wasn't ordinary. Thanks to sci-fi and fantasy (perhaps I could say it with sarcasm), my mind was full of things that didn't belong to our world. Those included aliens, time travel, magic, ancient civilizations, psychics, supernatural abilities and many others. God knows how badly I wanted to stumble upon them. Even one of those would be enough to make me happier. In my most daring dreams, I turned out to possess extraordinary traits that would make me stand out of the crowd. Maybe I was an esper and just didn't know it. Maybe I could move things with my mind or read thoughts, and I just had to find a way to unlock my powers? Everything's possible, right? Years passed, and my hopes were slowly fading. I thought that if I hadn't any powers, maybe I could become a sidekick to someone who did. I could be like Robin, and somebody else could be like Batman; I would perform easier tasks like hacking security while my hero mentor would fight their way through legions of a villain's mooks. I bet anyone can relate, and I definitely wasn't the only one with such childish fantasies which were doomed to never become real. I believe everyone needs a heroic figure to look up to, and that figure doesn't need to have existed. Just look at the Greek mythology. I am 100% sure ancient Greek kids played role games like "Heracles and Atlas" or "Jason and the Argonauts." After thousands of years, nothing has changed.

You want "my hopes slowly faded".

This paragraph is very Kyon-like in style, and I'm glad to see it.

So when a girl who called herself Haruhi Suzumiya stood up behind me during the class introduction and said she was looking forward to meet an alien, a time traveler or an esper, my still and quiet world turned upside down once again. It didn't happen in an instance, of course. Haruhi intrigued me, but it took some time for her to get used to me and, apparently, notice something in me even I wasn't aware of. How else would you explain the fact that it was none other than me who became the other founding member of Haruhi's club? One month after the event, three more people had joined the SOS Brigade. That's when I found out I gave up on my dreams way too soon. Those three revealed themselves to be the very beings Haruhi was looking for: an alien, a time traveler and an esper, each one here for their own reasons. Ironically, Haruhi was ignorant, and I didn't want the extraordinary to enter my life anymore. So why the sudden change? Why was I dragged into this gathering of supernatural? Nobody could give me a straight answer, except for some mysterious reason why Haruhi chose me of all people that had yet to be uncovered.

You want "instant".

"Well," Koizumi's good-looking face remained unflappable. "It may mean nothing to you, but for us espers, whose life was radically changed by Suzumiya-san's influence, it could be a critical piece of information. It could give us more insight into her abilities and probably an answer to the question why we received our powers. Imagine if you found out there was a connection between you and a divine being. Wouldn't you like to investigate it and see what you might discover?"

Agreement is a problem here.  You want "whose lives were radically changed".

Characterization and development

(Asahina) "It's terrible!" Oh man, she was crying now. What should I do? "I c-c-can't do anything! I can't time travel, I can't contact my superiors... I-I-I'm uuuuuuseless!"

I think the gist of this remark from Asahina is on point, especially with her desire to be useful, but the last bit might be a bit overdramatic (narm-worthy?).

Nobody else could've thought up a lamer and cheesier nickname for our newest foe. Seriously, Dark Haruhi. Ugh, but it is indeed easier to pronounce than "the other version of Haruhi." So whatever.

It sounds like something out of a video game; Kyon could point that out, at some point.

"Nagato." I took her by the shoulder and put her in front of the sobbing time traveler. "Asahina-san says her TPDD is out of order. Could you check it out and tell us what's the problem?"

Hm, physical contact.

"Koizumi." With my hands in pockets, I looked at him askew. "This may seem to you like some very cool mystery, but that's the kind of stuff I've developed hatred for in the last few days. Can you tell me just what it means? Me and Haruhi being links of a chain? More importantly, let's say you get to the bottom of this. Then what? What are you going to do with this knowledge? Can you put it to any good use?"

Does Kyon really want to know the answer to this?  This strikes me as the kind of thing he might tacitly ignore because it gets close to talking about a romantic or physical attraction between him and Haruhi.

"Koizumi," I glared at him with irritation. "That's why it's called coincidence. By definition, they are things that oddly fall into place together. Stuff like that happens very often. Life is just strange that way."

This seems forced.  Kyon is insisting there's no connection without evidence; in the end, it's of no consequence because Kyon agrees to let Koizumi look into it, but should he even be so skeptical in the first place?

Misc

"Mom, Kyon is home!" shouted my little sister when I finally made it back to my own place. She ran up to me, peering into my bag. "Have you bought it?"

The sister also refers to him, like Asahina does, as Kyon-kun.

"But we already have sent our people in outer space, if only for a brief time," said Koizumi. "However, we won't be able to visit distant planets like Pluto. There is an important factor none can escape: speed limit. Nothing can move faster than light, which means no crew can survive long enough to travel too deep into space. Even should our scientists find a way to make a spaceship fly as fast as light, it would solve the problem of sending an expedition to Pluto, but what about leaving the boundaries of our solar system?"

Pluto is still a planet in this story?

Overall:

Plot and structure: most of these two chapters have been downtime, which is actually good.  It gives Kyon and company a chance to review and reflect upon what's happened.  Right now, my big worry is with respect to the story's payoffs:  what will we as readers like about it when all is said and done?  It's still a bit of a mystery--what is the nature of the enemy?  I think this, too, can be a common mistake.  It's easy as an author to think that mystery is what keeps people reading.  I don't think that's true; rather, revealing the enemy and their intentions and motivations makes the conflict as much ideological as it is physical or emotional.  The enemy should be fought not just because they pose a threat but because the protagonists reject their line of thinking.

Does that mean there's no room for mystery about the motives and nature of an enemy?  Well, no.  But right now, I think the criticism applies.  There is some foe, and it poses a physical danger to the Brigade.  Asakura has been rescued and has...some motives.  I think a new reader might be impressed with your technical skill, but someone looking through an archive and skimming might well ask, "Okay, prove to me I should read this tory, that it's interesting."  To me, all the skill is there to tell an interesting story, but I'm not yet convinced that story is coming, and we're 7 chapters into the fic.

Style and command:  Your style has fleshed out very well in these two chapters (as well as the bits I've skimmed in chapter 8).  I think you've really come into your own here, just in a short span, and I'm thrilled to see it.

Characterization and development:  This is one of the things I'm still worried about.  You characterize Kyon and company well enough (there are some minor things I may quibble over, but in large part, you convey a clear picture of how they are).  What I worry about is development.  So far, Kyon has, at most, admitted to Asakura that he's very concerned about the wellbeing of the Brigade.  Koizumi has picked up a new power.  But I don't get a sense of an emotional and intellectual journey.  The challenges Kyon faces don't really force him to rethink his obligations toward the Brigade--he already basically felt that way about the others, and now he's just feeling even more protective of them.

But again, you characterize well, in my opinion.  Shiraki has a distinctive and well-defined personality, mysterious though he may be.

Theme: This ties into what I've said in my remarks so far.  I do not (yet) find your theme (as I understand it) very compelling---Kyon acting in the interests of Brigade unity and caring a great deal about its stability are not really new sentiments as of late canon.  There are interesting elements of this story, like "Dark Haruhi" and Shiraki, which I think are the hallmarks of a good writer, but for any piece to stand above the rest, it must place a premium on a strong theme, in my opinion.  Given the improvements I've seen just since the prologue, it may be you will further refine and develop these ideas into something that furthers Kyon's growth more substantially and, by extension, forces the reader to consider that change.

I'm certainly willing to keep going, though, as your technical ability makes it relatively painless to go through (certainly by comparison to some other authors we've seen).

[Altes]

You refer to the station as "north station" frequently.  Is there a particular reason for this?  I've looked up the kanji before and seen that it might be called North Gate Station.  Regardless, I'd be interested to hear why you think it shouldn't be capitalized.

I've read "north station" in English translations of the novels numerous times.

Huh, interesting.  On looking through a couple Brown editions, I've only seen "Kitaguchi station".  Must be a publication thing.

Kitaguchi sounds cool, I think I'll replace "north station" with it when I get to polishing my fanfic. North Gate Station is great, too.

Chapters 6 & 7

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and structure

"To the members of the SOS Brigade. All of them, with the exception of their leader. Kyon, Koizumi, Nagato and Mikuru, I hope you all are hearing this. Anyway, here's the message. Hi everyone! I have Mikuru's TPDD. Rest assured, it's in good hands and nothing is going to happen to it. Of course, I'm not planning to give it back, so Mikuru, you'll have to do without it for now."

Conspicuous that the writer of the message refers to Mikuru by given name, but Koizumi and Nagato by family name.

True. Just how different from our Haruhi is this version, I wonder? :)

There's that feeling again! While Shiraki was explaining the basics of that theory of his, I could feel déjà vu tingling in my brain. He reminded me of someone... But of whom?

My immediate thought goes to Sasaki--very rational, prone to speeches.

Not without his quirks, however -- what's with drawing shapes with his spoon and LOVING ice cream. Sasaki is more down-to-earth; hell, she's only interesting for her voluminous speeches. I don't recall her doing anything... childish, perhaps.

"I don't see why not," shrugged Shiraki. "A few hundred years ago people would have never thought about having carts riding without horses or machines flying on their own, but here they are, and we can't imagine our life without them. Of course, breaking the light barrier is a much tougher challenge. It won't be accomplished in... a very... long time."

Or, maybe he's a time-traveler.

Kyon thinks this idea is stupid. Don't you?
Also, I've added a new line there today. "I don't see why not," shrugged Shiraki. "Every big thing begins with a small 'maybe'." This is how it looks now, so don't be surprised in case you decide to read it again. Just a small piece which helps understand his character slightly better.

Style and command

"This is where I live." We stopped near an apartment which had fewer floors than Nagato's. That's not how I thought it would be. I expected Asahina-san to live in her own house with her family, like Koizumi and I do... Ah, but it wouldn't make sense. The future is her home, not present. Of course she would live in an apartment, just like Nagato and Asakura.

The description of the apartment is a bit sparse.  This is not a bad thing--it hardly seems like such details would be important--but on the other hand, Kyon might well want to commit this image to memory, and not commenting on it seems like it could be inconsistent with that impulse.  Neither approach seems distinctly better than the other, but I felt this was an interesting enough issue to comment upon.

Perhaps Mikuru's place looks so ordinary that it's not even worth describing. Although, I'm really curious what it's like inside. I'd love to write that if such a need ever appears.

Characterization and development

(Asahina) "It's terrible!" Oh man, she was crying now. What should I do? "I c-c-can't do anything! I can't time travel, I can't contact my superiors... I-I-I'm uuuuuuseless!"

I think the gist of this remark from Asahina is on point, especially with her desire to be useful, but the last bit might be a bit overdramatic (narm-worthy?).

What have you done. Now I can't stop laughing when I try to imagine this scene.
Odd that you haven't mentioned Kyon's wavering from Chapter 5 when he convinces himself to enter Asakura's room. "I am not backing off like a chicken! I am a man!" Narmtastic.

"Koizumi." With my hands in pockets, I looked at him askew. "This may seem to you like some very cool mystery, but that's the kind of stuff I've developed hatred for in the last few days. Can you tell me just what it means? Me and Haruhi being links of a chain? More importantly, let's say you get to the bottom of this. Then what? What are you going to do with this knowledge? Can you put it to any good use?"

Does Kyon really want to know the answer to this?  This strikes me as the kind of thing he might tacitly ignore because it gets close to talking about a romantic or physical attraction between him and Haruhi.

It's as he said. Koizumi's discovered something new? Let's hear it. Wait, he doesn't really know what he's talking about? Then why did this fool bring it up? Uncertainties are bad, m'kay.
But hey, the word "link" has been spoken! It's also present in the story's name. Whatever Koizumi saw in Haruhi and Kyon's auras has to be significant.

"Koizumi," I glared at him with irritation. "That's why it's called coincidence. By definition, they are things that oddly fall into place together. Stuff like that happens very often. Life is just strange that way."

This seems forced.  Kyon is insisting there's no connection without evidence; in the end, it's of no consequence because Kyon agrees to let Koizumi look into it, but should he even be so skeptical in the first place?

Have there been many occasions when Koizumi didn't know what was going on? Either Kyon thinks he is talking out of his @$$, or he's not used to situations when Koizumi has to struggle to understand what's before his eyes. In any case, he has no reasons to stop him from doing his thing.

Misc

"But we already have sent our people in outer space, if only for a brief time," said Koizumi. "However, we won't be able to visit distant planets like Pluto. There is an important factor none can escape: speed limit. Nothing can move faster than light, which means no crew can survive long enough to travel too deep into space. Even should our scientists find a way to make a spaceship fly as fast as light, it would solve the problem of sending an expedition to Pluto, but what about leaving the boundaries of our solar system?"

Pluto is still a planet in this story?

It's called a dwarf planet or a minor planet now, so the word may still apply.

Plot and structure: most of these two chapters have been downtime, which is actually good.  It gives Kyon and company a chance to review and reflect upon what's happened.  Right now, my big worry is with respect to the story's payoffs:  what will we as readers like about it when all is said and done?  It's still a bit of a mystery--what is the nature of the enemy?  I think this, too, can be a common mistake.  It's easy as an author to think that mystery is what keeps people reading.  I don't think that's true; rather, revealing the enemy and their intentions and motivations makes the conflict as much ideological as it is physical or emotional.  The enemy should be fought not just because they pose a threat but because the protagonists reject their line of thinking.

Does that mean there's no room for mystery about the motives and nature of an enemy?  Well, no.  But right now, I think the criticism applies.  There is some foe, and it poses a physical danger to the Brigade.  Asakura has been rescued and has...some motives.  I think a new reader might be impressed with your technical skill, but someone looking through an archive and skimming might well ask, "Okay, prove to me I should read this tory, that it's interesting."  To me, all the skill is there to tell an interesting story, but I'm not yet convinced that story is coming, and we're 7 chapters into the fic.

Umm... What is unclear about Dark Haruhi's nature? She has the same power as our Haruhi, but stands on a completely different level of its mastery. Screwing with the Data Integration Thought Entity here and now, when there has only been a single threat from Kyon to awaken Haruhi's power in order to protect Nagato. Restraining Asakura from attacking Kyon again (with a real weapon, that is). Spamming Closed Spaces with various properties like nobody's business. And Mikuru's loss of her TPDD seems to be Dark Haruhi's doing, as well. Ah, I think I've answered my own question. We don't know a thing about her, except that she is powerful and has a goal. Is she even a villain? Well, there are only 12 chapters so far, and no questions will be answered until I write the rest of it.

[Muphrid]

Responses to earlier remarks:

Huh, interesting.  On looking through a couple Brown editions, I've only seen "Kitaguchi station".  Must be a publication thing.

Kitaguchi sounds cool, I think I'll replace "north station" with it when I get to polishing my fanfic. North Gate Station is great, too.

Yeah, "North Gate Station" is just my very, very naive moon-runes-fu looking at the kanji saying "well, that means north; that means opening, or mouth; and that means station".  Well, I could've sworn I saw some translation that said the second kanji means gate, but I can't find the source now.  North Station is not awful either, though, to be honest.  I was just curious what inspired it as a choice.

Or, maybe he's a time-traveler.

Kyon thinks this idea is stupid. Don't you?
Also, I've added a new line there today. "I don't see why not," shrugged Shiraki. "Every big thing begins with a small 'maybe'." This is how it looks now, so don't be surprised in case you decide to read it again. Just a small piece which helps understand his character slightly better.

Probably just the way I read Shiraki, but it seemed like he was catching himself from saying something he shouldn't.

Plot and structure: most of these two chapters have been downtime, which is actually good.  It gives Kyon and company a chance to review and reflect upon what's happened.  Right now, my big worry is with respect to the story's payoffs:  what will we as readers like about it when all is said and done?  It's still a bit of a mystery--what is the nature of the enemy?  I think this, too, can be a common mistake.  It's easy as an author to think that mystery is what keeps people reading.  I don't think that's true; rather, revealing the enemy and their intentions and motivations makes the conflict as much ideological as it is physical or emotional.  The enemy should be fought not just because they pose a threat but because the protagonists reject their line of thinking.

Does that mean there's no room for mystery about the motives and nature of an enemy?  Well, no.  But right now, I think the criticism applies.  There is some foe, and it poses a physical danger to the Brigade.  Asakura has been rescued and has...some motives.  I think a new reader might be impressed with your technical skill, but someone looking through an archive and skimming might well ask, "Okay, prove to me I should read this tory, that it's interesting."  To me, all the skill is there to tell an interesting story, but I'm not yet convinced that story is coming, and we're 7 chapters into the fic.

Umm... What is unclear about Dark Haruhi's nature? She has the same power as our Haruhi, but stands on a completely different level of its mastery. Screwing with the Data Integration Thought Entity here and now, when there has only been a single threat from Kyon to awaken Haruhi's power in order to protect Nagato. Restraining Asakura from attacking Kyon again (with a real weapon, that is). Spamming Closed Spaces with various properties like nobody's business. And Mikuru's loss of her TPDD seems to be Dark Haruhi's doing, as well. Ah, I think I've answered my own question. We don't know a thing about her, except that she is powerful and has a goal. Is she even a villain? Well, there are only 12 chapters so far, and no questions will be answered until I write the rest of it.

Right, just wanted to point out what limited knowledge I had at that point.  Dark Haruhi's existence poses some questions--who is she really?  How did she come to be?  And would Haruhi have power over her or vice versa?  All things that are on a reader's mind.


Chapters 8 - 12

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and structure:

What is the point of Hanigaru?  Looking at this passage, I can only imagine him being an expository and functional character. Interesting though he may be, it strikes me as a weakness to contrive of such restrictions in the closed space that the introduction of a new character, with different powers from other espers.  To me, a principle of minimalism should be observed: introduce new elements only where necessary.  It does not strike me as necessary to have this particular restriction on the closed space so that Mr. Exposition with plot-convenient powers must be introduced.


The whole scene with Kyon talking to Tsuruya comes after he told Asahina that Tsuruya would train her.  Perhaps you rearranged some things and lost track?


Chapter 10 is all exposition.  You give a strong impression of building something bigger here, making the world your own, which is good.

Style and command:

A huge fist flew to my face. I took my feet off the ground, bending my knees simultaneously, allowing myself to duck faster than if I had just sat instead. The giant's arm moved right above my head, while I used the opportunity to strike its leg. I didn't manage to cut too deep. The leg was as thick as an average log, and my sword barely scratched it. With the corner of my eye, I noticed the fist was rapidly falling on my head, so I rolled aside, holding on to the sword as dearly as if it was my life. I heard a loud crack! when the giant hit the floor, giving me a good impression about what will happen if that fist connects with my body. Getting up on my feet, I backed a few steps away, trying to figure out my next move.

Style during action scenes is highly individualized, but let me point out a few things for consideration. Your action here strikes me more like description of a landscape--meticulous and detailed, but also slow paced and methodical.  For instance, this is how I would rewrite the paragraph:

A huge fist flew to my face.  I hopped off the ground, bent my knees, and ducked.  The giant's arm zipped past my head, leaving him open, and with that chance I plunged my sword into his leg.

Shink!

The giant's leg was as thick as a log; only the tip of the sword went into him.  The giant bellowed in rage, bringing another fist down from above.  I rolled aside, holding on to the sowrd as dearly as if it were my life.

Crack!  The giant's fist hit the floor, breaking it into pieces.  If he could do that to stone, one could imagine what his fist would do to flesh and blood.  I got back on my feet and backed away, trying to figure out my next move.

What have I tried to do here?  First, I've tried to trim down some long sentences.  Sentence structure itself gives an impression of the action, and here the action should be quick and give impact.  Sentences should (for the most part) reflect that and be shorter, easier to digest, and with less distracting details.

Something I see a lot also in some writers is the focus on how things are seen or perceived. This, I think, is common coming from visual media, but in writing I think it can be distracting.  KLSymph has a nice draft in progress about show vs. tell, and one of the main things he emphasizes is that readers will fill in details that you leave out.  Use this to your advantage and describe just enough to keep things clear, but not so much that the reader is bogged down trying to replicate your exact mental photograph of what's happening.  Where this becomes relevant is, for example, when Kyon sees something out of the corner of his eye.  This is not a consequential detail in this passage, and as such, it can be trimmed.

Again, cutting out words that slow down the action can be useful.  Why say "I noticed a fist falling on my head" when you can say "A fist started falling on my head"?  It's implicit that the first-person narrator is the one who perceives these things.  For this reason, I try to avoid "I saw", "I heard", "I noticed" as much as possible in first-person narration.  Again, you will make a choice here, and I'll not comment much on these points further, but I'll be interested in how you take these ideas and accept, reject, or modify them for your own use.

While getting back on the steady ground, I've noticed a bunch of boughs still protruding from the hole in the floor and connecting to the monster's body. This gave me an idea. It's going to be a tough thing to pull off with my broken ribs, however... The giant raised its fist, targeting me again, and when it lunged at me, it was rather easy to dodge. Ducking under its arm, I ended up behind its back and struck the branches – or should I say "roots" this time? – with all strength I had, cutting through them as if they were butter.

You lapse into present here.

"I've heard about your yesterday deed," smiled Asakura brightly while catching up with me. "I told you your progress was inevitable. Glad to see that my lessons begin to bear fruit so soon. Well done, Kyon!"

Maybe "your deeds yesterday" or something?  The phrasing here is very off.


Characterization and development:

"I've spoken to Tsuruya. Starting today, she is going to teach you hand-to-hand combat."

"What? But..." With her hands pressed against her chest, Asahina-san closed her eyes tight and started shaking her head in denial. "No, no, no! Why did you...? I don't want it!"

But why not?  Asahina has repeatedly said she wants to be useful.

I... I had to admit that I never thought about it like that. As unpleasant as he was, Hanigaru had a point. I should've known that some espers aren't glad about their duty to vanquish Celestials spawn by Haruhi's negative emotions. Come to think about it, whenever Haruhi gets a new idea how to fight her boredom and drags us along, doesn't Koizumi always say something like, "Suzumiya-san is having a lot of fun, which reduces the chance of a Closed Space emerging"? I was dumbstruck by this revelation. Koizumi was just as pissed off at Haruhi as Hanigaru. The difference is, Hanigaru was much more sincere about it.

I don't think this follows.  It is not difficult to suggest Koizumi may secretely have been irritated with Haruhi, but it doesn't come across from this paragraph.  Here, all we get is that Koizumi sees fewer closed spaces as a good thing, but that could as easily be for the good of the world as it is to relieve his burden.

The interplay between Daichi and Hanigaru is interesting and flows nicely.

It felt really nice to spend some time with Nagato for a change. Having to tear between Asakura and Koizumi, I've grown sick of both of them. The former insisted on training me in kendo every day, the latter just didn't know the meaning of the words "shut up." I couldn't say the same thing about Haruhi and Asahina-san. Haruhi, while annoying as always, hasn't been bothering me as much as those two, and Asahina-san was a different matter altogether. I would jump at every opportunity to take her somewhere or follow her to any place of her choice, and that would make me the happiest guy in the world. But Nagato... She was something else.

I'm not sure what is meant here: "tear between"?  Also, it seems odd for Kyon to gripe about Koizumi when he seemed very interested in Koizumi's esper history and such.

"I have been studying the concept of humor," calmly replied Nagato. "Judging by the information I have gathered, it appears that humans find embarrassing and inappropriate situations funny."

Forget Rei Ayanami.  Paint her white with gold contacts, and call her Lieutenant Commander Data.

Misc:

"But it's not like the rest of us all have the same powers without any differences," he protested. "You must remember that I can perform attacks with fire. Others can generate electricity or move things with their mind. It's much like a lottery, in fact. We stick with whatever powers we have and we use only them. For some reason, Hanigaru is more capable than most. I assume he might have found out why our powers vary in the last three years, but even if that's the case, I don't believe he would just share that information with anyone."

I don't recall any strong association Koizumi had with fire.

Overall:

Plot and structure:  We conclude chapter 12 after a fairly large battle, and the state of things is somewhat unclear.  Dark Haruhi has been presented at times as an antagonist, or perhaps (through Asakura) as someone with ultimately benevolent intentions who is merely pushing Kyon toward something greater.  Perhaps this is in preparation for a confrontation with the Warlocks, who pose the "real" threat.  If that is the case, then I feel the structure is somewhat flawed by this bait-and-switch approach.  We're already 65k words in.  Quite a long time to be figuring out who the real enemy even is.

The rhythm of scenes feels good, however.  You time your exposition and action well, in my opinion.

You have ambitiously put together a story that involves all three factions--espers, time-travelers, and aliens--into something where each has a stake in the ongoing plot.  I definitely notice how big in scope this story seems to be aiming, and that's refreshing to me.

Style and command: Again, even over the course of just this story, I see increasing sophistication in your constructions.  You make Kyon's voice and take on things come out well, and you are fluid--perhaps too fluid, as you trend toward long paragraphs even in action scenes.  Your narrative is conversational and captures the basic spirit of Kyon's narration.

Characterization and development: Kyon's trust in Asahina (big) that attacking Asakura is a bad idea is well done.  Kyon goes with his gut a lot, and he would rather trust in the Brigade than in the Entity for sure.  Nagato's hesitance is also welcome.  Kyon's favorable view of Asahina (big) in general, however, to me lacks nuance.  Kyon has resented interference from the future in other stories, particularly from Asahina's lofty viewpoint.  Here, the stakes are clearly high, so perhaps he's willing to look past that knowing that she's not likely to be screwing around with him for some purpose of her own.  Still, he seems to trust in her a bit too quickly.

Nagato's development of a sense of humor enhances the story subtly and gives some moments of relief.

Koizumi is still Koizumi; honestly, despite how the espers have featured heavily in the story so far, he has yet to go through any significant change of character, new powers aside.  Asahina is much the same, still staying toward the periphery until (in the future) we see her learn combat skills.

As tends to happen, Haruhi is the member of the Brigade most outside of things.  It's hard to integrate her without cluing her in, so this is not a surprise, but as usual, it means that a story with Haruhi's name in it really isn't about Haruhi per se, at least not obviously or not yet.  Haruhi spends her time mostly in tsundere Brigade Chief mode.  While that's definitely in her character, I feel it should be blunted or rounded off with some moments of vulnerability or more thoughtfulness.  Haruhi is multidimensional, not a one-trick pony.

Asakura: ally or enemy it isn't clear, but Kyon clearly seems to believe she's more on his side than against him, after all these off-screen training sessions.  She does a fine job of staying mysterious in her overall goals, but it's hard to judge her on why she does so.  In my opinion, that mystery seems rather pointless--necessary to make the story unfold the way it does, but I can't conceive of how it actually serves Asakura further.  Consider that some healthy skepticism.

Side characters:  you've put a lot of time into the new espers, but we haven't seen that really pay off yet.  I suspect you have something in mind for Hanigaru, but we'll have to wait and see.  Shiraki, too, is a unique and interesting character, but it's not clear where he's going yet.

Theme: There's a lot of talk about links and bonds, about Brigade cohesion, about members of the Brigade working together to defeat what obstacles come.  That said, this is squarely an action piece.  These ideas may be in the story, but in some sense, even Kyon is only somewhat aware of them.  His thoughts dwell on immediate threats and adversaries.  He does not face conflict in what he should believe in or anything like that.  So, to be honest, I find the overarching themes in this story to be a bit thin on substance, but I recognize they are present, and that's a lot more than what most authors would have.  And it's always the case that one can spend too much time on theme at the cost of an interesting plot, so in no way do I fault you for the level of treatment you've given it.  Rather, I'm just hoping to probe your intentions and see whether this assessment is consistent with those intentions.

Misc: As I've noted, you have a few errors with terms of address (Asahina failing to refer to Kyon as "Kyon-kun" for instance).

Judgment on the story so far: There are some things to be proud of in this piece, Altes.  What I'm impressed with: your command, the development of your style, the world-building you've done in creating background for the espers.  You have the chops to be working with a lot of moving pieces and plotlines and to weave them together.

Still, there are some things that will have to withstand the test of time for this story.  It's not clear how all these moving parts fit together, and only seeing that will really tell me a lot about your overall goals and message and how effective the story is in conveying them.  The story is very functional, in that it primarily deals with plot over characters' feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  This means those thematic elements I spoke of before really take a backseat, so the main payoff will be the conclusion of the piece.  This is also why I feel your piece is a bit thin on development.  Characterization is a bit steadier.

I mentioned before I was concerned about finding the piece interesting.  Perhaps I should've said I wondered how much of a hook it had to draw a reader in.  Honestly, you start with something pretty tired: Asakura returns!  What will happen next?  I think the strength of the piece is in these hit-and-run closed spaces, in Dark Haruhi and Asakura's relationship with her, and the associated background that goes with all that (warlocks, esper history, etc.).  Were I in your position, I think I might've led with an unusual closed space instead.

But on the whole, I like a piece that I can just let myself start scanning through without getting bogged down in every single sentence.  You do that.  Nicely done.

[Altes]

Chapters 8 - 12

Spoiler: ShowHide

Plot and structure:

What is the point of Hanigaru?  Looking at this passage, I can only imagine him being an expository and functional character. Interesting though he may be, it strikes me as a weakness to contrive of such restrictions in the closed space that the introduction of a new character, with different powers from other espers.  To me, a principle of minimalism should be observed: introduce new elements only where necessary.  It does not strike me as necessary to have this particular restriction on the closed space so that Mr. Exposition with plot-convenient powers must be introduced.

Fear not, of course Hanigaru will return. There's no way I'm going to let a character like him just disappear. And I'm looking forward to writing his interactions with Koizumi, now that they haven't met for 3 years. A lot of things have changed for both of them.

The whole scene with Kyon talking to Tsuruya comes after he told Asahina that Tsuruya would train her.  Perhaps you rearranged some things and lost track?

I tried Anachronic Order there. I felt it would be better to have Kyon talk to Tsuruya in the end of the flashback, not in the chapter's beginning. Otherwise, I'd probably have to start with Kyon snapping at Asakura seemingly for no reason at all, and that would've been confusing.

Style and command:

A huge fist flew to my face. I took my feet off the ground, bending my knees simultaneously, allowing myself to duck faster than if I had just sat instead. The giant's arm moved right above my head, while I used the opportunity to strike its leg. I didn't manage to cut too deep. The leg was as thick as an average log, and my sword barely scratched it. With the corner of my eye, I noticed the fist was rapidly falling on my head, so I rolled aside, holding on to the sword as dearly as if it was my life. I heard a loud crack! when the giant hit the floor, giving me a good impression about what will happen if that fist connects with my body. Getting up on my feet, I backed a few steps away, trying to figure out my next move.

Style during action scenes is highly individualized, but let me point out a few things for consideration. Your action here strikes me more like description of a landscape--meticulous and detailed, but also slow paced and methodical.  For instance, this is how I would rewrite the paragraph:

A huge fist flew to my face.  I hopped off the ground, bent my knees, and ducked.  The giant's arm zipped past my head, leaving him open, and with that chance I plunged my sword into his leg.

Shink!

The giant's leg was as thick as a log; only the tip of the sword went into him.  The giant bellowed in rage, bringing another fist down from above.  I rolled aside, holding on to the sowrd as dearly as if it were my life.

Crack!  The giant's fist hit the floor, breaking it into pieces.  If he could do that to stone, one could imagine what his fist would do to flesh and blood.  I got back on my feet and backed away, trying to figure out my next move.

What have I tried to do here?  First, I've tried to trim down some long sentences.  Sentence structure itself gives an impression of the action, and here the action should be quick and give impact.  Sentences should (for the most part) reflect that and be shorter, easier to digest, and with less distracting details.

Something I see a lot also in some writers is the focus on how things are seen or perceived. This, I think, is common coming from visual media, but in writing I think it can be distracting.  KLSymph has a nice draft in progress about show vs. tell, and one of the main things he emphasizes is that readers will fill in details that you leave out.  Use this to your advantage and describe just enough to keep things clear, but not so much that the reader is bogged down trying to replicate your exact mental photograph of what's happening.  Where this becomes relevant is, for example, when Kyon sees something out of the corner of his eye.  This is not a consequential detail in this passage, and as such, it can be trimmed.

Again, cutting out words that slow down the action can be useful.  Why say "I noticed a fist falling on my head" when you can say "A fist started falling on my head"?  It's implicit that the first-person narrator is the one who perceives these things.  For this reason, I try to avoid "I saw", "I heard", "I noticed" as much as possible in first-person narration.  Again, you will make a choice here, and I'll not comment much on these points further, but I'll be interested in how you take these ideas and accept, reject, or modify them for your own use.

Yeah, thanks for the advice. I had never written a fight before, and that part was rather difficult for me. But since it's not going to be the last fight in the story, I had to practice and see what I could do.

Characterization and development:

"I've spoken to Tsuruya. Starting today, she is going to teach you hand-to-hand combat."

"What? But..." With her hands pressed against her chest, Asahina-san closed her eyes tight and started shaking her head in denial. "No, no, no! Why did you...? I don't want it!"

But why not?  Asahina has repeatedly said she wants to be useful.

Poor girl was just scared and surprised. Fortunately, all it took for Kyon to make her understand the necessity of it was a single constipated look.

It felt really nice to spend some time with Nagato for a change. Having to tear between Asakura and Koizumi, I've grown sick of both of them. The former insisted on training me in kendo every day, the latter just didn't know the meaning of the words "shut up." I couldn't say the same thing about Haruhi and Asahina-san. Haruhi, while annoying as always, hasn't been bothering me as much as those two, and Asahina-san was a different matter altogether. I would jump at every opportunity to take her somewhere or follow her to any place of her choice, and that would make me the happiest guy in the world. But Nagato... She was something else.

I'm not sure what is meant here: "tear between"?  Also, it seems odd for Kyon to gripe about Koizumi when he seemed very interested in Koizumi's esper history and such.

Sorry, a translation error. It should've been "torn between Asakura and Koizumi" instead of "having to tear between." As for Koizumi, Kyon was talking about how much time he had spent with Koizumi in the story, though it probably does feel out of place right after he's heard about the Organization's origins.

"I have been studying the concept of humor," calmly replied Nagato. "Judging by the information I have gathered, it appears that humans find embarrassing and inappropriate situations funny."

Forget Rei Ayanami.  Paint her white with gold contacts, and call her Lieutenant Commander Data.

It's a shame I've never watched Star Trek :)

Misc:

"But it's not like the rest of us all have the same powers without any differences," he protested. "You must remember that I can perform attacks with fire. Others can generate electricity or move things with their mind. It's much like a lottery, in fact. We stick with whatever powers we have and we use only them. For some reason, Hanigaru is more capable than most. I assume he might have found out why our powers vary in the last three years, but even if that's the case, I don't believe he would just share that information with anyone."

I don't recall any strong association Koizumi had with fire.

The camel cricket battle; also, Koizumi seemingly killed Fujiwara with a fire attack in Astonishment.

Overall:

As tends to happen, Haruhi is the member of the Brigade most outside of things.  It's hard to integrate her without cluing her in, so this is not a surprise, but as usual, it means that a story with Haruhi's name in it really isn't about Haruhi per se, at least not obviously or not yet.  Haruhi spends her time mostly in tsundere Brigade Chief mode.  While that's definitely in her character, I feel it should be blunted or rounded off with some moments of vulnerability or more thoughtfulness.  Haruhi is multidimensional, not a one-trick pony.

Who could've expected Haruhi would be Demoted To Extra in a fanfic about her? Not even I have. Her involvement in things around her has been rather minor; she runs the Brigade... but that's about it. Her Brigade members are facing dangerous things on daily basis, and this time she's not even the one who causes them (to our knowledge, she's not related to them even remotely). However, you might have noticed that, as the story progresses, Kyon and Haruhi have been growing more and more distant. Let's have a look at what has occurred so far.

1. Remember how the story begins? Kyon and Haruhi's class gets a new homeroom teacher, and Haruhi whispers to Kyon that it's strange how a totally new guy in their school got the position. Sounds like they are going to look into this matter together? NOPE. Instead, Haruhi runs off after Shiraki alone without involving Kyon, and she doesn't want to discuss it with him after her first attempt fails. Nor does she talk about it in the end of that chapter when she has chatted with Shiraki for the first time. Kyon dismisses it all; although, at this point, it doesn't look like something to worry about.

2. Kyon chews Haruhi out for telling Shiraki that he should, as the Brigade's new supervisor, buy costumes for them. Without listening to him, she tells him to shut up and get out.

3. During the Brigade's usual meeting on Saturday, Haruhi doesn't start with going to the cafe where they always gather (and, since Kyon was late, he would've been supposed to pay for everyone). In fact, it doesn't happen on that day at all. Neither was she happy to return to the costume shop with Kyon alone, rather than with Kyon and Koizumi; also, she showed no signs of jealousy when Kyon received a call from Asakura. Kyon still isn't alarmed.

4. Haruhi doesn't object when Kyon says he has to go to the city library. However, she wasn't pleased to hear Nagato was going, too.

What's going on with Haruhi? It looks like she is concerned about the Brigade doing what it's supposed to do rather than about its individual members (namely, Kyon; she isn't afraid to show her affection for everyone else). As all this happens, Kyon... he just doesn't care. You'd think risking his life for her in Astonishment would've changed his view on his relationship with her, but somehow, that wasn't enough. He sees her act Haruhi-like, as usual; the only difference is, she now has a crush on a teacher, but he thinks it's perfectly normal, even though it doesn't seem to be going anywhere (and thank goodness for that, I'll kill myself before I start writing the Haruhi/Shiraki pairing). The only odd thing Kyon has noticed is that Haruhi is paying less attention to him than before.

I'm not going to leave this hanging and unresolved. Those two need to remember how much they mean to each other.

Theme: There's a lot of talk about links and bonds, about Brigade cohesion, about members of the Brigade working together to defeat what obstacles come.  That said, this is squarely an action piece.  These ideas may be in the story, but in some sense, even Kyon is only somewhat aware of them.  His thoughts dwell on immediate threats and adversaries.  He does not face conflict in what he should believe in or anything like that.  So, to be honest, I find the overarching themes in this story to be a bit thin on substance, but I recognize they are present, and that's a lot more than what most authors would have.  And it's always the case that one can spend too much time on theme at the cost of an interesting plot, so in no way do I fault you for the level of treatment you've given it.  Rather, I'm just hoping to probe your intentions and see whether this assessment is consistent with those intentions.

How about the conflict between Asakura and Kimidori? "The traitor" versus "the puppet"; one who has received an epiphany and chose a new way against one who follows her orders to preserve the status quo. Asakura claims that leaving the Data Integration Thought Entity's consensus was enough for her to rethink her actions, and now she sees her former comrades as flawed and amoral. Kimidori is adamant that Asakura has betrayed them and is now working for someone who threatens the Entity and the Brigade members they are supposed to protect (although, we've only seen them protect Kyon and Haruhi in the novels). In this, Asakura represents freedom and the right to choose one's way; Kimidori, on the other hand, stands for order and prefers an already well-known path instead of trusting a stranger (she even compares Dark Haruhi to the Devil). Neither is willing to accept the other's views. But which one is right, and which one is wrong?

[Muphrid]

The whole scene with Kyon talking to Tsuruya comes after he told Asahina that Tsuruya would train her.  Perhaps you rearranged some things and lost track?

I tried Anachronic Order there. I felt it would be better to have Kyon talk to Tsuruya in the end of the flashback, not in the chapter's beginning. Otherwise, I'd probably have to start with Kyon snapping at Asakura seemingly for no reason at all, and that would've been confusing.

I...see. Now.  Hm.  So the conversation with Asahina at the start of the chapter takes place on Monday, and everything else happens on Sunday.  You have some subtle hints, but I think you would do well to be a lot more blatant about it.  I'm not saying put it in all caps and announce the date and time of each scene in boldfaced letters, but Kyon could start the second scene (with Asakura) saying, "Oh yes, I said I would tell you about Sunday..."  Or he could reference more that something happened on Sunday during the Monday scene, or point out that he hasn't told the reader about his conversation with Tsuruya, etc.

I admit, I'm not sure what you mean by "snapping...for no reason at all".  I don't see how the anachronic order helped with this.

Overall:

As tends to happen, Haruhi is the member of the Brigade most outside of things.  It's hard to integrate her without cluing her in, so this is not a surprise, but as usual, it means that a story with Haruhi's name in it really isn't about Haruhi per se, at least not obviously or not yet.  Haruhi spends her time mostly in tsundere Brigade Chief mode.  While that's definitely in her character, I feel it should be blunted or rounded off with some moments of vulnerability or more thoughtfulness.  Haruhi is multidimensional, not a one-trick pony.

Who could've expected Haruhi would be Demoted To Extra in a fanfic about her? Not even I have. Her involvement in things around her has been rather minor; she runs the Brigade... but that's about it. Her Brigade members are facing dangerous things on daily basis, and this time she's not even the one who causes them (to our knowledge, she's not related to them even remotely). However, you might have noticed that, as the story progresses, Kyon and Haruhi have been growing more and more distant. Let's have a look at what has occurred so far.

1. Remember how the story begins? Kyon and Haruhi's class gets a new homeroom teacher, and Haruhi whispers to Kyon that it's strange how a totally new guy in their school got the position. Sounds like they are going to look into this matter together? NOPE. Instead, Haruhi runs off after Shiraki alone without involving Kyon, and she doesn't want to discuss it with him after her first attempt fails. Nor does she talk about it in the end of that chapter when she has chatted with Shiraki for the first time. Kyon dismisses it all; although, at this point, it doesn't look like something to worry about.

2. Kyon chews Haruhi out for telling Shiraki that he should, as the Brigade's new supervisor, buy costumes for them. Without listening to him, she tells him to shut up and get out.

3. During the Brigade's usual meeting on Saturday, Haruhi doesn't start with going to the cafe where they always gather (and, since Kyon was late, he would've been supposed to pay for everyone). In fact, it doesn't happen on that day at all. Neither was she happy to return to the costume shop with Kyon alone, rather than with Kyon and Koizumi; also, she showed no signs of jealousy when Kyon received a call from Asakura. Kyon still isn't alarmed.

4. Haruhi doesn't object when Kyon says he has to go to the city library. However, she wasn't pleased to hear Nagato was going, too.

What's going on with Haruhi? It looks like she is concerned about the Brigade doing what it's supposed to do rather than about its individual members (namely, Kyon; she isn't afraid to show her affection for everyone else). As all this happens, Kyon... he just doesn't care. You'd think risking his life for her in Astonishment would've changed his view on his relationship with her, but somehow, that wasn't enough. He sees her act Haruhi-like, as usual; the only difference is, she now has a crush on a teacher, but he thinks it's perfectly normal, even though it doesn't seem to be going anywhere (and thank goodness for that, I'll kill myself before I start writing the Haruhi/Shiraki pairing). The only odd thing Kyon has noticed is that Haruhi is paying less attention to him than before.

I'm not going to leave this hanging and unresolved. Those two need to remember how much they mean to each other.

So, by your own depiction, you've started throwing increasing distance between the two.  There will need to be a good and convincing reason for this regression of their relationship dynamics; I know there will be people who pay close attention to that relationship who may be frustrated and confused over the deterioration of their friendship.  Since it's mostly a small part compared to the rest of the plot, I kinda saw it happening but since there wasn't much attention (on Kyon's part) paid to it, I could let it all play out.  Still, others may be wondering what could be going on that would catalyze this slow separation.

Theme: There's a lot of talk about links and bonds, about Brigade cohesion, about members of the Brigade working together to defeat what obstacles come.  That said, this is squarely an action piece.  These ideas may be in the story, but in some sense, even Kyon is only somewhat aware of them.  His thoughts dwell on immediate threats and adversaries.  He does not face conflict in what he should believe in or anything like that.  So, to be honest, I find the overarching themes in this story to be a bit thin on substance, but I recognize they are present, and that's a lot more than what most authors would have.  And it's always the case that one can spend too much time on theme at the cost of an interesting plot, so in no way do I fault you for the level of treatment you've given it.  Rather, I'm just hoping to probe your intentions and see whether this assessment is consistent with those intentions.

How about the conflict between Asakura and Kimidori? "The traitor" versus "the puppet"; one who has received an epiphany and chose a new way against one who follows her orders to preserve the status quo. Asakura claims that leaving the Data Integration Thought Entity's consensus was enough for her to rethink her actions, and now she sees her former comrades as flawed and amoral. Kimidori is adamant that Asakura has betrayed them and is now working for someone who threatens the Entity and the Brigade members they are supposed to protect (although, we've only seen them protect Kyon and Haruhi in the novels). In this, Asakura represents freedom and the right to choose one's way; Kimidori, on the other hand, stands for order and prefers an already well-known path instead of trusting a stranger (she even compares Dark Haruhi to the Devil). Neither is willing to accept the other's views. But which one is right, and which one is wrong?

Sure, this is a valid question for Asakura, but I think Kimidori is right to point out that they (the Entity) do not know how much Asakura is "intact" and how much she has been forcibly persuaded to Dark Haruhi's persuasion.  From our perspective, it doesn't seem likely, since Asakura is largely herself, but it makes Kimidori's suspicions feel a little more justified.

Are you trying to connect this back to Haruhi, in terms of Haruhi being "concerned about the Brigade doing what it's supposed to do rather than about its individual members"?  You could easily play that into the same theme about order and the status quo vs. individuality.