[Haruhi] Nakama

[Brian]

Working title; mostly a WAFF piece.  This is intended to be the Tanabata-oriented-followup to Outcast.

...I really should figure out a better title, though...

Edit: Revision 2.

[JonBob]

I'm not sure why, but I feel that this story lacks focus somehow.

Spoiler: ShowHide

I'm not really sure if it's trying to develop all the friendships within the brigade, that between Haruhi and Kyon, or work on resolving the issue with Haruhi's parents and life in general. Oh, and there's the time travel in the middle.

I dunno. I got to about 2/3 of the way through and it just felt like a couple of points had been made, but very little overall.

I might give it another re-read, but it's just not clicking with me.

[Muphrid]

Plot and Structure

Spoiler: ShowHide

Scene 1: We find out Kyon and Haruhi (and later on, Koizumi) are working together at a job after school.  Koizumi seems to have put together this gig, no doubt with the resources of his organization, but Kyon doesn't yet seem to know anything about such matters.  This scene serves to establish the status quo and accomplishes that.

Scene 2: A little more time establishing the usual routine with Kyon and Haruhi, mostly involving Haruhi visiting at Kyon's home.  Largely an extension of the previous scene in terms of function, this is short enough feel like things are still moving along.

Scene 3: Our first look at the new Brigade, intact for the first time.  Nagato brings a bamboo plant to the club room, as it's Tanabata.  This seems almost surely a calculated maneuever, but to what purpose I can't say.  It's been implied repeatedly that Haruhi went through Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody in some way even in this universe.  But I can't really understand Nagato's motivations here, and without that, the rest of the scene and its insights don't seem to follow.  Is it really as simple as Nagato feeling Tanabata is important?

The scene seems to take a detour between Haruhi changing into the stewardess uniform and Kyon's observation that Haruhi is unhappy about having only the Kitago uniform to wear for most of the day.  While the setup is clear that he's going to do something about it, it doesn't feel tight to me. While I doubt Haruhi would make something so seemingly trivial a wish of hers, I can't help but feel there must be some way to make the tanzaku passage fit better with what's bothering Haruhi.

It's interesting to me that, structurally, this piece has progressed somewhat similarly to "Ephemeral," in that the first few scenes set the scene (so to speak), and it isn't until a little further in that we get an idea of what the core "conflict" is.

Scene 4: Ah, you clever bastard. I thought there was something fishy about the line you gave Haruhi in "Outcast," describing Kyon's "sister".  I should've known that description didn't fit Asahina at all.

We can't know who was responsible for this time-travel incident.  It seems Asahina must be responsible (this giggle you refer to), but perhaps you might consider another approach  if Haruhi were responsible instead (and this is the analogue of Kyon and Haruhi in closed space from canon), thenh, the dilemma briefly consdiered here--about having the opportunity to change the past--plays in well with Haruhi's current troubles over her parents and her uniform.  This is a way for her to work those issues out, with Kyon's guidance, and that works quite well here.

I mention this because this is what I originally concluded before going further, and it seems to me like it might be a tighter fit.

Scene 5: Asahina and Nagato have picked up on Haruhi's disquiet also, and picking up where Scene 3 left off, they collaborate with Kyon to put a plan together, involving Haruhi teaching Asahina to sew.  If not for the previous scene butting in, the story would've followed a fairly typical and unsurprising path.  I think the previous scene is very cool, but since neither Haruhi nor Kyon really believe it happened, I do wonder if it fits.

Scene 6: An interlude as Haruhi asks Kyon about his love life, largely an extension of the previous scene and the setup with Haruhi being taken aside by Nozomu.

Scene 7: Kyon and Koizumi at work, potentially setting up Kyon tutoring his coworker's son at some point.  Structurally, this just seems to be a little more time and spacing until we get to the evening's festivities.

Scene 8: Haruhi's father offers Kyon some money to see to Haruhi's wellbeing, and this makes possible some opportunities for a date that would otherwise be beyond Kyon's means.  Practical and effective.

Scene 9: Kyon asks Haruhi over to dinner with his family, but it's not clear what he's actually got up his sleeve.

Scene 10: Aha, it's a movie.  Star Wars at that.

Scene 11: Kyon takes Haruhi home and finds a picture of him by her bed.  Haruhi is asleep here, but her gratitude has already been covered by the previous scene.

Overall: JonBob talked about the piece having a lack of focus.  I don't know if I agree with that in itself.  Let's break things down:

The first few scenes develop the situation, the status quo.  I already described how this is similar to "Ephemeral".  The third scene touches on Haruhi being unhappy with her uniform and having some tough times over being away from her parents.  The fourth scene gives her and Kyon the chance to examine those feeling and come to terms with them.  Asahina and Kyon come up with an idea to finally put the idea to bed in scene 6, and in scene 8 Kyon is confronted by Haruhi's father, giving the chance at eventual reconciliation.

But there are other plotlines woven through the piece: Haruhi's Tanabata wish, touched upon in the dream and in the movie outing.  Romance between Haruhi and Kyon--at Tanabata, as well as a big part of Haruhi and Kyon's talk in the park.

The piece doesn't choose any one of these plotlines to dwell on exclusively.  Rather, each of these are mixed together, and none of them come to final, decisive conclusions.  What we have is like a snapshot into the characters' lives, starting and ending in the middle of things.

Is the piece unfocused?  On the whole, I would have to say yes, but each of the storylines it presents are distinct and not blurred.  They can be identified, pulled away from the others, and understood.

Characterization and Development

Spoiler: ShowHide

Scene 1: Kyon and Haruhi get out of cleaning duty by trading with the class rep Munemoto and Nozomu.

"You work together though, don't you?" he wondered.

"In the same place," Haruhi corrected, though she nodded anyway.

I feel like there is a reason Haruhi corrects this, but it escapes me.

Haruhi made a face at that, and it took me a moment to realize she was biting back a laugh.  "I know it's a real burden, Nozomu-chan, but I'd be appreciative," she agreed, grinning.

Haruhi seems quite friendly toward Nozomu ("Nozomu-chan") compared to how she was with Kitago students.  Perhaps their attitude toward Kyon has something to do wtih it.

Haruhi groused about it, but ultimately accepted the role, her cheeks red from my careless words.  Then again, she didn't mind attention on her very much.  I actually didn't mind unloading things and avoiding the public eye, and because it was a simple task, it left my mind free to contemplate other things.  Koizumi as well, though he frequently let his thoughts escape his mouth, seemingly unaware.

Kyon's obliviousness is as effective as ever, I see.

Scene 2: Kyon and Haruhi ride back on the train after work.  They have a cute exchange over who will carry the other's bag and such; they seem to have a more overtly friendly, even teasing, relationship at this stage compared to canon--justifiably so, given what Haruhi has done for him.  She can't exactly pretend to feel anything else for him, for that would ring hollow.  So this makes sense.

Haruhi seems to have a good relationship with Kyon's family as well.

Haruhi's reaction was both melancholy and pleased at that -- conflicted between those two ideals.  She ducked her head and blushed, but I could see a hint of some other thought distracting her.  "T-thank you," she managed.

Torn between accepting praise for what it is and not wanting to conform to that ideal?  Or embarrassed by the prospect that Kyon's mother is talking about her and Kyon?  Well, all those ideas seem to work here, and the level of ambiguity is appropriate, I think.

Haruhi and Kyon's father get along well, too, sharing a common interest in baseball.  Kyon's mother's insistence that Kyon ride with Haruhi and see her out of the car isn't subtle at all.  Heh.

Scene 3: The Brigade meet the next day.  The big thing here is Kyon's observation that Haruhi is unhappy about wearing the Kitago uniform and not having the funds to change that.  Kyon is clearly leaning toward doing something about it, though he's not sure how.

There's more that goes on here, of course.  Nagato seems a bit more sentimental than usual, if we're to take her bringing the bamboo at face value.  To me, Haruhi is quite a bit softer and more approachable than her canonical self at a corresponding point in time, but this is again not jarring, as things have unfolded quite differently, and Haruhi has already seen how the Brigade could've been torn apart.  Her priorities have been recalibrated, in some sense.

Scene 4:  Kyon and Haruhi wake up 3 years prior, in the park.

I was clambering over the fence before I reconsidered my thoughts.  My mother would be much more upset about me breaking into a school, wouldn't she?  Or would she be supportive enough of Haruhi that she actually would be more upset that I hadn't helped?

This captures nicely how Kyon is predisposed to be a bit more polite and less stubborn than his canonical counterpart, as influenced by his background.

"As amazing as you are, a person like me--"

This also; Kyon has a lot more overt affection toward Haruhi here, so it's changing the dynamic for something new and refreshing.

Anyway, Kyon and Haruhi have a long conversation about regrets and Haruhi's situation with her parents and with that Kitago uniform.  There is, perhaps, no conclusive answer here; Kyon suggests Haruhi could go back to her parents in time, but she declines, and the passage comes off more as a way for Haruhi to vent her frustrations to him and get some of those thoughts off her chest.  That this comes up in the context of having the opportunity to change the past is actually quite apt.

Haruhi's message for her younger self--that finding interesting people is as important as finding extraordinary beings--draws directly from her experiences in this story and in "Outcast".

The heart-to-heart conversation, plus seeing how Haruhi has changed in the past three years, leads to Haruhi's confession to Kyon.  Curiously, he acknowledges this but then changes the subject, saying the mood is getting too heavy.  To tell the truth, this puzzles me.  While I can accept his reasoning, it feels like more of a stopgap than anything else, and since Haruhi presses further anyway, I don't really get a sense of how Kyon is reacting to this.  He just seems to put the brakes on for no reason.

Scene 5: Kyon comes into school, and while he and Haruhi had the same dream, neither of them believe it was real (or know the other had it).

"Ah--  W-we should discuss that elsewhere!" Haruhi said quickly, her eyes widening as the exhaustion marking her face abruptly vanished.  She hopped to her feet with her normal energy and shook her head furiously.  "Um, come on, Nozomu-chan!"

Haruhi is really...a lot more like an ordinary teenage girl in this story.  She has the same general interests as the canonical Haruhi, but you've taken a lot of her edge off very quickly--again, as I've said before, not without reason.  And given what she just dreamed about, it's reasonble she would have a stronger reaction than usual to this.

Later, Asahina collaborates with Kyon to put a plan together: the three of them (Haruhi, Asahina, and Nagato) are really very close, aren't they.  Haruhi has a bad reaction to Asahina hugging Kyon, which Asahina picks up by trying to say Kyon's like a little brother.  Well played, Asahina.  Well played.

Scene 6: Kyon and Haruhi take a walk in the park before going to work on Saturday, and when prompted, Kyon tells Haruhi about confessing to Sasaki.  The nature of his background means he was considerably more direct in this than in canon.  Sasaki's attitude is eminently practical...but also a bit unfeeling, in my opinion.  She's willing to tackle the male-dominated world, but not also the discrimination against people of certain heritages or family backgrounds?  In some way, it makes me feel she's partway complicit in the discrimination that way, even though I don't want to judge her that way, on an emotional level.  She's absolutely making a logical point that they would be making it more difficult on each other and there's a good chance they could both end up unhappy as a result.

In a way, I feel like I might not have this issue if Kyon were the one to back off, feeling that he shouldn't ask Sasaki to shoulder that burden with him.  But I'm not sure if that fits with where you want the piece to go.  Kyon seems to agree with Sasaki's reasoning, which kinda splits the difference anyway.

Scene 7: Kyon and Koizumi at work; Kyon seems to enjoy Koizumi's philosophy a bit more than in canon, though a lot of it is still way out in space.  Still, the boys come off intellectual to their coworkers, and Kyon gives some of Koizumi's questions serious thought.  Kyon also has the chance to tutor the son of one of his coworkers, and this reinforces that he does have college aspirations after all and that he wants to strive for something, in time.

Scene 8: Kyon is approached by Haruhi's father with money to ensure Haruhi's wellbeing.  Haruhi's father is a surprisingly sympathetic character--as Haruhi alluded to, he is less opposed to Haruhi's choice than her mother is.  His attitude gives hope that Haruhi will be able to reconcile with her parents, in time.

"What kind of man would I be if I didn't want the best for my family?" he continued, forcibly unclenching his hands from the steering wheel and reaching beneath his coat.  His grip was shaking as he pulled an envelope out.  "I want ... to do the best for them, so -- please, take this.  I know ... if you care about Haruhi-chan, you'll do the right thing."

Still, it's really hard, looking at that last line, to imagine what he was thinking when he said that, how he thought it wouldn't be taken as a bribe.  Heh.  Kyon is right to ream him on this, and his reaction seems to catch him by surprise, too.

Scenes 9, 10, 11: Kyon is actually rather clever for this plan, shielding himself from possible disappointment by taking his sister along, and he gets his confirmation of Haruhi's feelings in the end, but in a way that allows things to keep developing off-screen.

Overall: The circumstances of this story have changed the relationships between the cast, largely in a believable and logical manner.

At issue most here is Haruhi, who is dealing with personal hardship after making the choice to follow Kyon.  Kyon in turn feels some responsibility for Haruhi's actions.  While Haruhi comes to be more secure in her decision (thanks to Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody, Outcast version) and in her feelings for Kyon, the impetus falls to Kyon to try to do something for her, and Haruhi's father gives him the means to make good on that.

Like their canonical selves, both Kyon and Haruhi are a little timid or avoidant when it comes to the issue of romance between them.  This Kyon is a little more forthright about his feelings (at least to himself).  I attribute this to the overall more positive and overtly affectionate relationship between him and Haruhi, as well as the lack of knowledge of powers to complicate things.

Haruhi is, as I said, a bit softer and less abrasive.  This contrast is especially apparent with this story's take on BLR, as she gently tries to push her younger self toward a new line of thinking.  She seems on the precipice of confessing her feelings for Kyon at the park, but his story all but kills that idea, and she doesn't do anything to change that.  The first move goes back to Kyon.

In total, I find these dilemmas logical, and the progression between them is natural.  The story approaches these somewhat loosely, giving a more exploratory feel.

Style and Command

Spoiler: ShowHide

But in that day and age, in a train, an officer worker and a government official, or a student and a police officer could be pressed just as close.  Even being accepted and accepting the friends that I had made, the thought didn't simply vanish.

In that day, or in this day?

"Distracted?" she asked.  "Thinking if there might be life on the newly discovered moon of Pluto?"

This seems a little clumsy.  Maybe just call it Charon?  Or has it not even been named yet by the time of the story?

"Just thinking about the future," I answered.  "I didn't realize our ninth planet had a moon."

This feels like you're getting a little too cute in trying to point out differences between the setting and the present day, to be honest.  At least, maybe there's a way for someone to mention Pluto is a planet more naturally.  "Our ninth planet" sounds really odd to me.

Shaking her head, she changed the subject slightly, adding, "But I don't have enough seniority to work in that section yet; evidently it's a coveted part of the store.  I get stuck with vacuums, mostly.  Telling people which bags go with whatever model they have or whatever...."

I noticed this repretition, but it didn't strike me as particularly off, either.

"Ah, that's a lot of pressure!" Haruhi protested, though she blushed at my father's praise of her analysis.  She did have a good eye for who was likely to win.  "Um, but the Hankyu Braves have won the last three years -- I think their luck is going to run out soon, and even if he makes MVP again, Yamada Hisashi-san isn't at his peak anymore."

"He's done well for himself as a pitcher though.  Hmm, so you think that the Yomiuri Giants will finally avenge themselves?" my father posed, raising his eyebrows.  "The odds won't pay well for that bet, but a win is a win...."

This also seems a little stiff, kinda like the Pluto thing.  As I see it, there's a minimum amount of information that needs to be said for the reader to pick up what's being talked about, but that level seems like too much to be realistic?  At least to me.  Referring to the teams by both city and mascot name seems a little rigid.  I'm not sure what the standard practice is in Japan, though.

My gut tells me to do something like this: Hankyu, the Giants, Yomiuri, Yakult.  That way, Haruhi refers to them mostly by city names, while Kyon's father refers to teams mostly by mascot, and you can strike a balance: getting what comes off as what may be a more natural conversation while still conveying that this is Japanese baseball of the era.

I couldn't complain if that were true; at the present date, the war in Vietnam had ended only a few months ago.  We mulled that over for a period, considering the implications.  "What do we do, though?" I wondered.  "We got to time travel, because of your wish ... does that mean that once we meet your younger self, we get to go back?"

I think it reads better as "few months prior" or "few months before".

When we reached the sorting area, Boss Teuchi gave us a blank look, then glanced over his shoulder to where Kaiza was maneuvering another cart into position, mouthing the words, "Butterfly dreams?"

Kaiza shook his head and shrugged, as if to say, "What can you do?"

Now that's funny.

I recalled her singing Starman to herself at one point, so nodded sympathetically.  I didn't really even know how to work a record player, myself.

I think song titles get quotation marks?

After reaching Yuki's house, Haruhi climbed out of the car, and I stepped out with her.  Part of the reason was so that I could ride in the front on the way back, but it was also my mother's insistence that I 'be a gentleman' and ensure Haruhi was completely inside before leaving.  She reached the door and turned to wave goodbye--  I waved back, and then she stepped inside and was gone.

Nagato's house?

He gaze went to the hangar that held her school uniform.  School policy was to require that a student wore a uniform, but in cases like hers where a new uniform hadn't been obtained yet, the one from a previous school would do.  Of course, without her parents to provide for her....  But that was the circumstance for Haruhi choosing to take a part time job.

It holds airplanes?

For myself, such a task was somewhat optional.  The reality of the situation was that Haruhi had done some incredible things for me, and would not have ended up in such a situation if it weren't for me.  So I joined her for solidarity, and because even if it weren't required, it did help my family out.  She was fiercely independent, and even if Yuki gave her a place to stay, she wasn't going to accept it as charity.

Nagato.

Haruhi wore the stewardess outfit because she didn't like wearing her Kitago uniform.  There was a time when she would have reveled in having an excuse to dress differently and stand out, but that had passed, and she wanted the same uniform as anyone else.  Of course, even if Asahina-san or Yuki were to offer, she wouldn't accept a gift.

And again.

She stamped a foot and shook her head, grabbing a familiar gate with one hand--  Ah, I did recall this place.  We'd been here once before; the back entrance to East Middle School.

So, is there a concise way of saying "East Middle" the way you can say "Kitago"?

Neither of us had an immediate answer.  On the other hand, we were involved in a true mystery!  Exactly the kind of thing she'd wished for!  "I guess this means you won the Tanabata contest," I remarked.  "Even before Nagato-san -- by three years, even!"

Was he that polite in referring to her by name in dialogue?

"We could arrange things to discriminate against her?" I asked, frowning.  "And if we did that, wouldn't we have lost our chance to meet Koizumi-kun?"

Kyon is referring to Koizumi this way?

While I seldom recalled my dream, I had a sense that one would stick with me for a long time -- possibly even forever!

I think you were trying to be more general--"dreams", plural, perhaps?

"Probably the only thing I might be remotely qualified to help out with," I agreed wryly.  "Anything else, I'm sure Koizumi-kun's got me beat on."

Koizumi, again.

My teeth were gritted together, and I didn't shout, by my voice certainly rose as I said, "Listen, you!" using the most informal and disrespectful form of the word I knew.  "If you think I'm going to try and cheapen Haruhi's choice, you're dead wrong!  So you can take this money and burn it for all I care!"  With that, I flung the envelope at him.

I know what you're saying with this, but maybe it would be better to integrate it into the dialogue?  As much as this piece relies upon some level of comfort with the way Japan is (or was, at the time of the setting), I always wonder about stuff that points out that the language we're reading is not the language that the story is conceived to take place in.  Of course, this is a choice; I merely think it's worth a second look.  Does it add a lot to say it this way?

Overall: Your style is straightforward and effortless to read as usual.  You don't get caught up in overcomplicated constructions or especially long paragraphs.  This is, certainly, what I admire about your technique: you don't get caught up in trying to do too much with the words.  You let them speak and then get out of the reader's way.

Come to think of it, this is one of the first pieces of yours in some time that I can recall being in first-person as well as in past-tense.

I think compared to Tanigawa that you tend to a little less narration, but not drastically so.  This is something I merely would want to look at and compare.

Theme

Finally, theme.  I touched upon this in talking about the plot: how there were several plotlines and none of them were really brought to fruition.  With this in mind, I take away that the evolution of the Brigade in this world will be an ongoing process, as well Kyon's relationship with Haruhi, and the reconciliation between Haruhi and her parents.

It is plainly stated that the friendships of the Brigade help keep all of the people in it strong and able to deal with personal hardships.  Yet I must wonder: how does this fit in with the lingering spectre of Haruhi's powers?  How can the time travel necessary for BLR happen without that?  Can Asahina, Nagato, and Koizumi really be their friends so quickly with that secret?  In canon, the three of them had the benefit of helping see Kyon through crises, through which they could slowly bond and become a team whose loyalties were to each other more than their respective factions.  Here, one has to wonder if the others followed Haruhi out of their duties.  I don't feel that can be the only reason, but it does seem like an unanswered question.

(So I'm not misunderstood:  I think it's better that you avoid this question rather than confront it.  I'm not sure if there's a good way you could've confronted it without making this a very different piece.  I do wonder if there is a way we can be convinced--any more than the piece does already--that these people are genuine friends rather than merely doing what is in their factions' interests.  On thinking on this, I could imagine someone like Asahina saying that initially she didn't want to be Haruhi's friend, but over time, she's come to enjoy Haruhi and Nagato's company.  But that may not even be appropriate to fit in for this kind of piece.)



In summation, I do think this piece might've been better served by seeing one of its plotlines through to the end.  I would've picked Haruhi's reconciliation with her parents and Asahina sewing her a new uniform.  That probably couldn't have been seen to the very, very end (I doubt Haruhi's mother could be persuaded to relent so quickly), but it seems like the strongest storyline of the piece.

I still have mixed feelings about the BLR scene; on the one hand, I keep thinking, "Does this need to be here?"  It seems very disruptive and attention-grabbing, drawing focus from the scenes around it.  On the other hand, it's also really cool and a nice alternative take.

That's all for now.  I hope this was of some use.

[Arakawa]

I've been sitting on the first few revisions for a few days, so it is very likely redundant with what other people have posted.

Spoiler: ShowHide

The first of those had been musing that he wasn't actually insulted by my comment, comparing him to myself as 'less attractive' than Haruhi. I would guess that he himself would be considered appealing -- certainly, the girls at our school seemed to think so -- but my interests went in an entirely different direction, so I could only shrug apologetically and move to the next box when he mentioned it.

This was discussed by us on IRC; first sentence turned out to be awkwardly worded.

I hadn't meant to remind her of what she'd given up, as it made the mood a bit more morose. I had been curious, though I did regret the mood. However, shortly after that we reached my house, where my sister was anxiously peeking out the window in expectation of our arrival. "Kyon-kun!" my sister exclaimed, until redirected:

Attacking with a ferocity that Napoleon himself would have respected, she charged through the door at me -- Haruhi intercepted my sister's tackling hug with ease. Hefting her in the air, she spun in place, wearing the momentum down as steadily as a Soviet winter, leaving me unscathed.

Huh, having the colon at the end of the first paragraph feels a bit weird. Somehow I always expect it to precede a line of dialogue when used like that.

"Ah, pardon my intrusion," Haruhi answered back with cheerful formality, stepping through the doorway. "You'll let me help, right?" Haruhi asked, setting my sister down at the same time I put our bags on the floor. Of course, Haruhi wouldn't accept 'no' for an answer, so it wasn't much of a request.

"Well, it seems that even my own daughter knows that my cooking isn't half as good as yours!" my mother replied, peeking through from the kitchen with a happy smile. "Kyon-kun--"

Huh, it feels like Haruhi's character is being filtered through period gender norms. Not sure if deliberate/accurate or not, but it's interesting.

Unshakable as always, Nagato sat at one side of the room, next to the shelf she seemed to have decided it was her personal duty to fill with books. She was as steadfast as a samurai, piling up trophies from defeated duelists, and approached that self-assigned task with the same dedication I would have expected from one of those ancient warriors.

I might get rid of the first comma in the latter sentence: "She was as steadfast as a samurai piling up trophies from defeated duelists, and approached that self-assigned task ...."

If I understand correctly, it's the books she finishes that are being likened to trophies.

He gaze went to the hangar that held her school uniform.

the hanger

Of course, without her parents to provide for her.... But that was the circumstance for Haruhi choosing to take a part time job.

The second part of this is a bit awkward.

The reality of the situation was that Haruhi had done some incredible things for me, and would not have ended up in such a situation if it weren't for me. So I joined her for solidarity, and because even if it weren't required, it did help my family out.

First sentence: Repeated "... for me, ... for me".

Second sentence: Perhaps "for the sake of solidarity".

I drifted into wakefulness, thinking I could hear a familiar sounding soft giggle. It was mischievous in a way that made me think of my sister, but not in her voice. I wasn't in my bed, being woken up by her, but instead sitting on a park bench in an odd position. While I would normally get cold in such a situation, sleeping on a park bench sitting upright, I had an unexpected source of warmth curled up next to me.

Huh, this is an interesting way to do this part, especially with including Haruhi in the time-travel. Have Asahina throw them into the past with nary an explanation in order to complete the loop... makes me wonder what the canon factions would do if they felt as audacious about letting Haruhi participate in strange events like this.

AFTER READING FURTHER: ah, you play the 'they think it was a dream' card. Makes sense, but I'm a bit sad (not in a bad way given the primary goal of WAFF, I guess) there are all these good reasons it has to be this way. It would have been interesting to see how they react to a single inexplicable event they're certain about, with no obvious way to follow up on it; so they know there's fantastic stuff out there, and perhaps a time traveler looking out for them, but all they can do right now is live their ordinary lives the best they can. But that would be an entirely different fic than this one.

I notice here you use the device to good effect to have Kyon and Haruhi contemplate that all the things they went through in 'Outcast' turned out to be worth struggling through, in the end.}

I scratched my head and tried to consider that, but the situation was too daunting for me to fully comprehend. I have enough difficulty trying to study for any subject beyond history, without Haruhi's help!

This seems to be open to reading it a bit backhandedly, given that it comes just after Haruhi tossing out theory after theory as to how they got here. The second sentence sounds, prior to a double-take, like a complaint that Haruhi makes things more confusing. Clearly not Kyon's intent to say that here, though....

When my arms began to tire after a few minutes because one of the line marker's wheels didn't turn well, Haruhi ignored her younger self's demands that we get back to work and switched out with me.

Ah, so to help stand up against the implacable will of a hostile Haruhi, just bring an older, friendlier Haruhi :)

"He's John Smith," Haruhi supplied, smirking. "I'm Sarah Jane."

The smaller girl's expression turned flat and unimpressed at that answer, even when I shrugged helplessly beneath her gaze, as if to say, "There you have it!"

"Then what are you?" the younger girl prompted. "Brother and sister?" Grimacing with distaste, she added, "Boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Haruhi's lyrical laugh and shake of her head were the first response, followed by the older girl's, "Some day, you'll find out for certain!"

* Arakawa melts slightly.

WAFF dosage is effective.

"It.... It was a message. When I was the smaller me, I thought it was to Hikoboshi and Orihime, but now that I'm the one who drew it, I think it's different," Haruhi explained, hopping to her feet and stretching her arms over her head. "I wanted to tell them that I wasn't satisfied and wanted to join them.

"Now, though, I know that the message wasn't just for them. I wanted someone to recognize me -- to see to the real me, and not just look at me as 'another boring human.' The message was, 'I am here!'"

The first take on Haruhi's intent with the message isn't one I'd seen before (really, I haven't seen many people cover how Haruhi understands those weird alien squiggles at all), but it really fits, I think.

Her eyes drifted shut as my face neared hers. Her face tilted back, and very gently as my own eyes closed, our lips touched. Her hands released mine as she gently hugged me, and my own arms went about her....

I thought I heard that same other person from the start of my dream giggling in satisfaction before everything went dark.

Asahina, on the other hand, is kind of a troll here o_o

That also fits, I guess.

Nagato sat with Koizumi and myself, playing games or just reading a book, depending on her mood. When asked why she didn't join Haruhi in the kitchen, she dodged additional work with the explanation that, "Suzumiya Haruhi is a superior cook."

Ah, I haven't been paying attention -- throughout these stories, do you consistently use lastname-firstname order as in Japanese? Or is this quirk reserved for Yuki?

"Really, Confucius asks if he might be a butterfly dreaming he is a man. The same could be true for us. Are we really here? Are we us?" He paused to shift some boxes, and I made no reply. He had sometimes nonsensical threads of thought, and absolutely seemed to adore philosophy. I wasn't the biggest fan, but didn't honestly mind listening.

Wait, that was Confucius? Thought it was someone else who uttered that....

I had to resist rolling my eyes at him good naturedly. Grunting slightly at a heavier box, I shifted it over and added, "I get what you're saying about the assumptions, though."

I suggest hyphenating "good-naturedly".

I wanted to be with Haruhi -- I wanted to be worthy of Haruhi. After what she'd done and sacrificed, even if she did miss her parents ... to throw away what she'd worked so hard for, what she'd risked ... and accept a bribe to step out of her life? I wrenched the door open and practically leaped out of the car.

... unpleasant stuff ...

"I didn't say that right," he sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I didn't ... want to bribe you to leave my daughter alone."

Oof, a brief but painful misunderstanding. Didn't see this coming... I think this shakes things up at a point where I thought the fic was basically winding down, so this is a good scene all around.

The fic stops on a definite but still slightly open-ended note. I guess doing that is in season nowadays?

Conclusion: WAFF delivery mechanism is successful; for me, at least. The tanabata stuff is repurposed to serve a slightly different thematic purpose than in the original story, which made it interesting for me.

I think the fic feels a bit slow because there isn't as much of a clear arc to it, just a series of scenes (some of which were quite unexpected!), so it's not always clear how many events are left until it wraps up. For something this long, and which serves as a sort of bonus add-on for people who enjoyed 'Outcast' (which was tightly put-together), I don't think it's a problem.

[Brian]

That is some feedback, alright. o_o;;

Plot and Structure

Spoiler: ShowHide

Scene 3: Our first look at the new Brigade, intact for the first time.  Nagato brings a bamboo plant to the club room, as it's Tanabata.  This seems almost surely a calculated maneuever, but to what purpose I can't say.  It's been implied repeatedly that Haruhi went through Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody in some way even in this universe.  But I can't really understand Nagato's motivations here, and without that, the rest of the scene and its insights don't seem to follow.  Is it really as simple as Nagato feeling Tanabata is important?

The original intent was more that Asahina and Nagato both do something toward making the 'dream' sequence a possibility.  Nagato inspires the idea by getting the bamboo (which Haruhi couldn't otherwise afford), and Asahina supplies the time travel.

I could change it up and just leave it as Nagato doing something proactive to help Haruhi in a way she can't refuse as charity (much like Asahina does later anyway).  Um ... I think it works to have her see something about it on television and Haruhi remark how it was fun earlier that week, so Nagato decides to do it for the club as a whole on her own.

Actually, this has a good tie-in anyway; Haruhi comes to the conclusion (silently, as Kyon does), that Nagato was inspired to do it because her family is distant, and she wanted to celebrate with the Brigade.  This also prompts Haruhi to later muse that the Brigade should celebrate more things together.  And, of course, it reminds Haruhi of her _own_ family.

Good catch, Muphrid; I think that improves that passage quite a bit.  I'll post a revised version once I finish updating it.

While the setup is clear that he's going to do something about it, it doesn't feel tight to me. While I doubt Haruhi would make something so seemingly trivial a wish of hers, I can't help but feel there must be some way to make the tanzaku passage fit better with what's bothering Haruhi.

Well, it's clear he wants to do something, but he doesn't know what he can actually do.  Beyond 'not feeling right', what aspects are off on that count?  Of course, despite the events of the past, it's a bit too overt for Haruhi to wish for Kyon to date her, or anything so overt.  Part of what I was trying to play with was what she claimed she wished for, and what she actually wanted.  Then again, something that might help with that:

Scene 4: Ah, you clever bastard. I thought there was something fishy about the line you gave Haruhi in "Outcast," describing Kyon's "sister".  I should've known that description didn't fit Asahina at all.

I really liked the idea of Haruhi interacting with her younger self. >.>

We can't know who was responsible for this time-travel incident.  It seems Asahina must be responsible (this giggle you refer to), but perhaps you might consider another approach  if Haruhi were responsible instead (and this is the analogue of Kyon and Haruhi in closed space from canon), thenh, the dilemma briefly consdiered here--about having the opportunity to change the past--plays in well with Haruhi's current troubles over her parents and her uniform.  This is a way for her to work those issues out, with Kyon's guidance, and that works quite well here.

I had gotten other feedback that Asahina being responsible was effectively a negative, so I'll change that.  Of course, there's nothing to solidly explain that it was Haruhi's powers instead of Asahina, and there are questions invoked, such as why Haruhi comes to believe it was all a dream if it weren't due to someone else's meddling....

Hmm.  Well, it's unbelievable enough I'll have to hope that it's reasonable to assume it was a dream for both of them.  Perhaps Haruhi picks up on Kyon's subtle anxiety that they're moving too quickly, and gives them both the out of thinking it was just a dream.

Scene 5: Asahina and Nagato have picked up on Haruhi's disquiet also, and picking up where Scene 3 left off, they collaborate with Kyon to put a plan together, involving Haruhi teaching Asahina to sew.  If not for the previous scene butting in, the story would've followed a fairly typical and unsurprising path.  I think the previous scene is very cool, but since neither Haruhi nor Kyon really believe it happened, I do wonder if it fits.

The purpose of the BLR scene is threefold.

One: fanservice.  (In the form of shameless shipping instead of the more typical costume/no costume variety.)
Two: fanservice.  (In the form of reminding the readers that even if Kyon (and Haruhi) are closer because they're both oblivious to the supernatural, it still is an element of the story.)
Three: fanservice.  (In the form of Haruhi interacting with chibi-Haruhi, and also providing a contrast to show her character growth.)

Come to think of it, in a greater sense, those purposes are also kind of the whole reason for the fic....

Is the piece unfocused?  On the whole, I would have to say yes, but each of the storylines it presents are distinct and not blurred.  They can be identified, pulled away from the others, and understood.

I suppose the major flaw is probably the lack of dramatic tension.  The closest thing to that would be Haruhi wanting to some day reconcile with her family.  Hmm.

Characterization and Development

Spoiler: ShowHide

Scene 1: Kyon and Haruhi get out of cleaning duty by trading with the class rep Munemoto and Nozomu.

"You work together though, don't you?" he wondered.

"In the same place," Haruhi corrected, though she nodded anyway.

I feel like there is a reason Haruhi corrects this, but it escapes me.

Mild grousing about gender roles, basically.  The guys get manual labor and she's a pretty face on the sales-floor.  She believes she's just as capable of working in the back as Kyon and Koizumi, but accepts the job when Kyon compliments her and says that she's more attractive than he or Koizumi.  I've clarified it a bit, but it's this part:

Haruhi groused about it, saying she'd rather have worked beside Koizumi and I, but ultimately accepted the role, her cheeks red from my careless words.

Actually, you comment on the original passage later....

Haruhi seems quite friendly toward Nozomu ("Nozomu-chan") compared to how she was with Kitago students.  Perhaps their attitude toward Kyon has something to do wtih it.

Nozomu and Munemoto are effectively the Beta Couple. >_>;

The heart-to-heart conversation, plus seeing how Haruhi has changed in the past three years, leads to Haruhi's confession to Kyon.  Curiously, he acknowledges this but then changes the subject, saying the mood is getting too heavy.  To tell the truth, this puzzles me.  While I can accept his reasoning, it feels like more of a stopgap than anything else, and since Haruhi presses further anyway, I don't really get a sense of how Kyon is reacting to this.  He just seems to put the brakes on for no reason.

Well, it is moving a bit quickly, for Kyon.  I've added some mild anxiety about things going too fast for him, which (I think) also helps explain how/why Haruhi sends them back.

Later, Asahina collaborates with Kyon to put a plan together: the three of them (Haruhi, Asahina, and Nagato) are really very close, aren't they.  Haruhi has a bad reaction to Asahina hugging Kyon, which Asahina picks up by trying to say Kyon's like a little brother.  Well played, Asahina.  Well played.

I really liked the chance to have Haruhi not flipping out completely over that, and instead giving them time to explain themselves. :)

In a way, I feel like I might not have this issue if Kyon were the one to back off, feeling that he shouldn't ask Sasaki to shoulder that burden with him.  But I'm not sure if that fits with where you want the piece to go.  Kyon seems to agree with Sasaki's reasoning, which kinda splits the difference anyway.

Hmmm.  It's possible that the current setup puts Sasaki in a somewhat poor light.  I think making it mutual to not get together works to keep her more sympathetic, as well as making Kyon's reluctance to pursue that sort of relationship, and Haruhi backing down, a little more reasonable.

Still, it's really hard, looking at that last line, to imagine what he was thinking when he said that, how he thought it wouldn't be taken as a bribe.  Heh.  Kyon is right to ream him on this, and his reaction seems to catch him by surprise, too.

I wanted to show Haruhi's father as being a bit clumsy, but I also wanted to give Kyon a chance to show how willing he was to stand by Haruhi in the 'real world'.

Scenes 9, 10, 11: Kyon is actually rather clever for this plan, shielding himself from possible disappointment by taking his sister along, and he gets his confirmation of Haruhi's feelings in the end, but in a way that allows things to keep developing off-screen.

I might have overplayed that one a bit; Kyon's little sister is part safety brake, but also this Kyon shows much more concern for his family (with probably some justification).

In total, I find these dilemmas logical, and the progression between them is natural.  The story approaches these somewhat loosely, giving a more exploratory feel.

Excellent! :D

Style and Command

Spoiler: ShowHide

But in that day and age, in a train, an officer worker and a government official, or a student and a police officer could be pressed just as close.  Even being accepted and accepting the friends that I had made, the thought didn't simply vanish.

In that day, or in this day?

Yes.

"Distracted?" she asked.  "Thinking if there might be life on the newly discovered moon of Pluto?"

This seems a little clumsy.  Maybe just call it Charon?  Or has it not even been named yet by the time of the story?

It gets proposed June 24th, which is about two weeks before the story is set.  The official name isn't set until 1985, so seven years later.

This feels like you're getting a little too cute in trying to point out differences between the setting and the present day, to be honest.  At least, maybe there's a way for someone to mention Pluto is a planet more naturally.  "Our ninth planet" sounds really odd to me.

I've had Kyon not be sure which planet is which; Haruhi starts by commenting, 'our ninth planet', and he asks 'which one?' which ... hopefully makes it a bit more natural feeling.

I noticed this repretition, but it didn't strike me as particularly off, either.

I'll let it slide, then. >_>;

This also seems a little stiff, kinda like the Pluto thing.  As I see it, there's a minimum amount of information that needs to be said for the reader to pick up what's being talked about, but that level seems like too much to be realistic?  At least to me.  Referring to the teams by both city and mascot name seems a little rigid.  I'm not sure what the standard practice is in Japan, though.

My gut tells me to do something like this: Hankyu, the Giants, Yomiuri, Yakult.  That way, Haruhi refers to them mostly by city names, while Kyon's father refers to teams mostly by mascot, and you can strike a balance: getting what comes off as what may be a more natural conversation while still conveying that this is Japanese baseball of the era.

Actually, I was under the impression that those were the proper names for the teams. >_>;;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nippon_Professional_Baseball

I guess it just feels off to use the full names, then?  I'll go with your suggestion; I don't really follow a lot of baseball.

I think it reads better as "few months prior" or "few months before".

That makes sense.

It holds airplanes?

Haruhi: "No, but I need enough space to fit my entire aura of revulsion for the thing in the same room."

So, is there a concise way of saying "East Middle" the way you can say "Kitago"?

Probably, but I don't know it. :x

Uh ... I'll rewatch melancholy episode 1 and see if I can pick it out from what Taniguchi says.  Actually.  That might be too obscure for the casual reader to pick up on, and I used 'East Middle' in Outcast already. >_<

Was he that polite in referring to her by name in dialogue?

It's a major point that in Outcast, everyone is '-san' to Kyon when he speaks, with the exception of Koizumi being -kun, and Haruhi (at her insistence) being just 'Haruhi'.  In narration, everyone is just their family name (that changes after Haruhi's insistence in Outcast).

I know what you're saying with this, but maybe it would be better to integrate it into the dialogue?  As much as this piece relies upon some level of comfort with the way Japan is (or was, at the time of the setting), I always wonder about stuff that points out that the language we're reading is not the language that the story is conceived to take place in.  Of course, this is a choice; I merely think it's worth a second look.  Does it add a lot to say it this way?

'Kisama' is a bit ... I think that may be too much fanboy Japanese, even for me? :x

However, Kyon is established as always being polite, so maybe just leaving it at saying, 'you' and emphasising in narration that it's rude will suffice?

I used all your other suggestions.

Overall: Your style is straightforward and effortless to read as usual.  You don't get caught up in overcomplicated constructions or especially long paragraphs.  This is, certainly, what I admire about your technique: you don't get caught up in trying to do too much with the words.  You let them speak and then get out of the reader's way.

You're flattering me. ^_^;;

It is plainly stated that the friendships of the Brigade help keep all of the people in it strong and able to deal with personal hardships.  Yet I must wonder: how does this fit in with the lingering spectre of Haruhi's powers?  How can the time travel necessary for BLR happen without that?  Can Asahina, Nagato, and Koizumi really be their friends so quickly with that secret?  In canon, the three of them had the benefit of helping see Kyon through crises, through which they could slowly bond and become a team whose loyalties were to each other more than their respective factions.  Here, one has to wonder if the others followed Haruhi out of their duties.  I don't feel that can be the only reason, but it does seem like an unanswered question.

(So I'm not misunderstood:  I think it's better that you avoid this question rather than confront it.  I'm not sure if there's a good way you could've confronted it without making this a very different piece.  I do wonder if there is a way we can be convinced--any more than the piece does already--that these people are genuine friends rather than merely doing what is in their factions' interests.  On thinking on this, I could imagine someone like Asahina saying that initially she didn't want to be Haruhi's friend, but over time, she's come to enjoy Haruhi and Nagato's company.  But that may not even be appropriate to fit in for this kind of piece.)

A little bit, that part is actually already there, in Outcast.  Asahina somewhat obliquely explains that thanks to Kyon's influence on her, Haruhi is a person she's confident she will like and enjoy spending time with.

In summation, I do think this piece might've been better served by seeing one of its plotlines through to the end.  I would've picked Haruhi's reconciliation with her parents and Asahina sewing her a new uniform.  That probably couldn't have been seen to the very, very end (I doubt Haruhi's mother could be persuaded to relent so quickly), but it seems like the strongest storyline of the piece.

Hmm.  I was thinking Haruhi finished making her new uniform herself, actually.  The reconciliation wouldn't at all fit in the timeline of the story unless there were a 'at their highschool graduation' flash-forward epilogue.  I don't think that fits in the scope of the story well.

I actually intended it more to be that Kyon gets over his reluctance/hesitance (that aformentioned 'owed Haruhi too much' element) and decides that even if it's at a slow pace, he really does want to pursue her.  Everything else was just closing elements left hanging from Outcast or meant to show that life goes on, and things are slowly improving.

I'm not sure what else I could do.  I'll think about it a bit.

I still have mixed feelings about the BLR scene; on the one hand, I keep thinking, "Does this need to be here?"  It seems very disruptive and attention-grabbing, drawing focus from the scenes around it.  On the other hand, it's also really cool and a nice alternative take.

Well, it was implied that it happens at some point by Outcast, so.... >_>;;

That's all for now.  I hope this was of some use.

Alright -- thanks very much for the astoundingly detailed feedback!

[Grahf]

I approached this in sort of the same mindset as I did with Distant Glimpses, I quickly realized that would be problematic though, mostly because at the end of Outcast Kyon and Haruhi, although close, weren't a couple, or not so far progressed into being one as they were at the end of At A Glance.

You've done a good job here of playing with the fact that although Kyon's life has fallen into a sort of happy stasis for him, that the decisions of Haruhi, Yuki, and Mikuru have had an impact on them, especially Haruhi who would naturally be the most impacted of the three. I did find myself wishing that the BLR analogue would have resulted in a more conclusive relationship upgrade, but that would have opened a whole new can of worms just for WAFFy impact that can be achieved other ways.

When Haruhi's father got into the mix I couldn't help but think of Normal Girl, although the tone of this conversation was a lot more serious in nature, even if it had distinct parallels of a parent loving their child regardless of the choices they make. I have to admit that when Akira first offered Kyon the money I didn't immediately jump to the same negative conclusion that Kyon did, but at the same time it makes sense for Kyon just to assume that he was being bribed as such. I was glad that wasn't the case though, and that it gave Kyon a chance to shine both to us, the reader, and Akira.

You covered a lot of ground here, and although you don't definitively conclude anything, I think that this wasn't really a piece that needed such conclusions. That being said, I would love another (final?) piece that focused on the reconciliation of Haruhi and her parents, and perhaps a little more as by that time surely there would have been a relationship upgrade. Still, as usual, in the end I can't really say anything more than good work.

[Brian]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Huh, having the colon at the end of the first paragraph feels a bit weird. Somehow I always expect it to precede a line of dialogue when used like that.

Replaced it with a period, then.

Huh, it feels like Haruhi's character is being filtered through period gender norms. Not sure if deliberate/accurate or not, but it's interesting.

Partially -- note that in the period that this is set, even Haruhi would think bunny-girl outfits were a bit too outrageous for highschool students (hence going for the still-somewhat-glamourized 'stewardess' instead).  More, it's Haruhi not willing to just be a freeloader and wanting to earn her keep.

Kyon's family's not well off, but then again, she's not either, anymore.

I might get rid of the first comma in the latter sentence: "She was as steadfast as a samurai piling up trophies from defeated duelists, and approached that self-assigned task ...."

If I understand correctly, it's the books she finishes that are being likened to trophies.

Alright.

Of course, without her parents to provide for her.... But that was the circumstance for Haruhi choosing to take a part time job.

The second part of this is a bit awkward.

Will revise.

The reality of the situation was that Haruhi had done some incredible things for me, and would not have ended up in such a situation if it weren't for me. So I joined her for solidarity, and because even if it weren't required, it did help my family out.

First sentence: Repeated "... for me, ... for me".

Second sentence: Perhaps "for the sake of solidarity".

Changed the first 'for me' to 'on my behalf'.  Made some other revisions for the second sentence; 'sake of' sounds off to me for some reason....  Not sure why. :x

It would have been interesting to see how they react to a single inexplicable event they're certain about, with no obvious way to follow up on it; so they know there's fantastic stuff out there, and perhaps a time traveler looking out for them, but all they can do right now is live their ordinary lives the best they can. But that would be an entirely different fic than this one.

That happens in The Dream of....  In that fic, Haruhi chooses to pretend it didn't happen, and demands Kyon do the same.  Then again, the supernatural thing she witnessed was herself erasing someone from reality for trying to kill Kyon, because the author decided Haruhi needed a psychotic older sister that could 'fix' Haruhi by killing the one person she cared about most....

...thanks to that I've got really limited interest in retreading that author's steps. >_>;

I'm confident you could do a better job of it, though.  I certainly wouldn't mind a better treatment of the idea!

This seems to be open to reading it a bit backhandedly, given that it comes just after Haruhi tossing out theory after theory as to how they got here. The second sentence sounds, prior to a double-take, like a complaint that Haruhi makes things more confusing. Clearly not Kyon's intent to say that here, though....

Removed the comma in the second sentence.

Ah, so to help stand up against the implacable will of a hostile Haruhi, just bring an older, friendlier Haruhi :)

As they say: "If force does not work, use more force."

* Arakawa melts slightly.

WAFF dosage is effective.

:p

The first take on Haruhi's intent with the message isn't one I'd seen before (really, I haven't seen many people cover how Haruhi understands those weird alien squiggles at all), but it really fits, I think.

Which part of that?  I thought it was canon that she tells Kyon (in the original) that it's a message for Orihime and Hikoboshi. :x

Asahina, on the other hand, is kind of a troll here o_o

That also fits, I guess.

Was aiming for more of a shipper who enjoyed getting to play matchmaker and thought they were cute, but that didn't sit will with some other readers, so that angle was dropped.  Now Haruhi's power itself subconsciously sends them back.

Ah, I haven't been paying attention -- throughout these stories, do you consistently use lastname-firstname order as in Japanese? Or is this quirk reserved for Yuki?

I consistently use the Japanese naming order.

Wait, that was Confucius? Thought it was someone else who uttered that....

Evidently Master Chuang.  Changed to 'Chuang Tse'.  There are around six options for how to romanize the name, incidentally, so you may see it with 'z's elsewhere.  I recalled Confucius because he's mentioned in one of the later quotes:

"You and Confucius are both dreaming!"

Oof, a brief but painful misunderstanding. Didn't see this coming... I think this shakes things up at a point where I thought the fic was basically winding down, so this is a good scene all around.

The fic stops on a definite but still slightly open-ended note. I guess doing that is in season nowadays?

I suppose?  I just went for the ending that felt right; covering the topics left largely unadressed from the last fic and trying to end on a positive, WAFFy note for Tanabata. >_>;

My yearly Tanabata tradition. <_<;;

Conclusion: WAFF delivery mechanism is successful; for me, at least. The tanabata stuff is repurposed to serve a slightly different thematic purpose than in the original story, which made it interesting for me.

I think the fic feels a bit slow because there isn't as much of a clear arc to it, just a series of scenes (some of which were quite unexpected!), so it's not always clear how many events are left until it wraps up. For something this long, and which serves as a sort of bonus add-on for people who enjoyed 'Outcast' (which was tightly put-together), I don't think it's a problem.

Thank you very much for the feedback, Arakawa!

[Brian]

You covered a lot of ground here, and although you don't definitively conclude anything, I think that this wasn't really a piece that needed such conclusions. That being said, I would love another (final?) piece that focused on the reconciliation of Haruhi and her parents, and perhaps a little more as by that time surely there would have been a relationship upgrade. Still, as usual, in the end I can't really say anything more than good work.

Hmm, there are still a few loose ends, then.  Something for me to think about, then!  Namely, what sort of jobs Kyon and Haruhi end up getting, and so on....

Thanks for the feedback, Grahf.  I hadn't really thought about a third fic in the series, but I could envision one for some later date, actually.

Also, I've updated the copy attached to the first post.

[Arakawa]

Spoiler: ShowHide

Partially -- note that in the period that this is set, even Haruhi would think bunny-girl outfits were a bit too outrageous for highschool students (hence going for the still-somewhat-glamourized 'stewardess' instead).  More, it's Haruhi not willing to just be a freeloader and wanting to earn her keep.

Kyon's family's not well off, but then again, she's not either, anymore.

Right. On the most basic level, it's Haruhi's character, in very different circumstances. And that's interesting.

Changed the first 'for me' to 'on my behalf'.  Made some other revisions for the second sentence; 'sake of' sounds off to me for some reason....  Not sure why. :x

In retrospect, maybe that suggestion is a bit too alcoholic?

* Arakawa  opens a bottle of the Sake of Solidarity.

Kanpai!

That happens in The Dream of....  In that fic, Haruhi chooses to pretend it didn't happen, and demands Kyon do the same.  Then again, the supernatural thing she witnessed was herself erasing someone from reality for trying to kill Kyon, because the author decided Haruhi needed a psychotic older sister that could 'fix' Haruhi by killing the one person she cared about most....

...thanks to that I've got really limited interest in retreading that author's steps. >_>;

That sounds... ugh, but thankfully very far from what I had in mind.

The first take on Haruhi's intent with the message isn't one I'd seen before (really, I haven't seen many people cover how Haruhi understands those weird alien squiggles at all), but it really fits, I think.

Which part of that?  I thought it was canon that she tells Kyon (in the original) that it's a message for Orihime and Hikoboshi. :x

Yes, but canon doesn't really say what she thought the message meant. It's Nagato (I think) who reads it as 'I am here', which seems a bit... too simple. Here Haruhi expands on that a little, what with saying she originally meant it as a request to join the gods, but has since changed her mind... or maybe I'm just misreading / reading too much into this bit. That's probably it.

The first take on Was aiming for more of a shipper who enjoyed getting to play matchmaker and thought they were cute, but that didn't sit will with some other readers, so that angle was dropped.  Now Haruhi's power itself subconsciously sends them back.

Ah, I guess I was jumping to conclusions here assuming Asahina's involvement. That was the most obvious interpretation to me -- that Asahina!big orchestrates the whole somewhat elaborate time jump, including choosing the moment to send them back. It's not too important for the main story either way :-P

And thank you for writing this fic :)

_{Re the discussion with Grahf: I'd be interested to see another story in this sequence, but I have to admit a further fic would likely have to have some other structuring device brought in, besides 'tying up yet more loose ends'. So I'm not sure if you'll find a story idea in that sense that actually inspires you to continue.}

[Brian]

To Arakawa:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Yes, but canon doesn't really say what she thought the message meant. It's Nagato (I think) who reads it as 'I am here', which seems a bit... too simple. Here Haruhi expands on that a little, what with saying she originally meant it as a request to join the gods, but has since changed her mind... or maybe I'm just misreading / reading too much into this bit. That's probably it.

Yeah, Haruhi doesn't say it means 'I am here', just that it's a message for Orihime and Hikoboshi.  Nagato offers the translation.

Re the discussion with Grahf: I'd be interested to see another story in this sequence, but I have to admit a further fic would likely have to have some other structuring device brought in, besides 'tying up yet more loose ends'. So I'm not sure if you'll find a story idea in that sense that actually inspires you to continue.

Well, I'm not in a particular rush, so I've got some time to think about it....

[Muphrid]

Plot and Structure

While the setup is clear that he's going to do something about it, it doesn't feel tight to me. While I doubt Haruhi would make something so seemingly trivial a wish of hers, I can't help but feel there must be some way to make the tanzaku passage fit better with what's bothering Haruhi.

Well, it's clear he wants to do something, but he doesn't know what he can actually do.  Beyond 'not feeling right', what aspects are off on that count?  Of course, despite the events of the past, it's a bit too overt for Haruhi to wish for Kyon to date her, or anything so overt.  Part of what I was trying to play with was what she claimed she wished for, and what she actually wanted.  Then again, something that might help with that:

There's nothing jumping out at me at this time that would strike me as clearly better, so I think it best to leave this as-is.

We can't know who was responsible for this time-travel incident.  It seems Asahina must be responsible (this giggle you refer to), but perhaps you might consider another approach  if Haruhi were responsible instead (and this is the analogue of Kyon and Haruhi in closed space from canon), thenh, the dilemma briefly consdiered here--about having the opportunity to change the past--plays in well with Haruhi's current troubles over her parents and her uniform.  This is a way for her to work those issues out, with Kyon's guidance, and that works quite well here.

I had gotten other feedback that Asahina being responsible was effectively a negative, so I'll change that.  Of course, there's nothing to solidly explain that it was Haruhi's powers instead of Asahina, and there are questions invoked, such as why Haruhi comes to believe it was all a dream if it weren't due to someone else's meddling....

Hmm.  Well, it's unbelievable enough I'll have to hope that it's reasonable to assume it was a dream for both of them.  Perhaps Haruhi picks up on Kyon's subtle anxiety that they're moving too quickly, and gives them both the out of thinking it was just a dream.

I don't think it's a problem for them to both believe it's a dream.  Haruhi, at least, believes well enough in canon that end of Melancholy was a dream.

Just who is reponsible is...trickier.  Since Kyon doesn't know anything about powers, the answer is going to be elusive to him and thus for the audience also.

Characterization and Development

Still, it's really hard, looking at that last line, to imagine what he was thinking when he said that, how he thought it wouldn't be taken as a bribe.  Heh.  Kyon is right to ream him on this, and his reaction seems to catch him by surprise, too.

I wanted to show Haruhi's father as being a bit clumsy, but I also wanted to give Kyon a chance to show how willing he was to stand by Haruhi in the 'real world'.

Just to be clear, I meant this in the sense that I thought it was quite funny how clueless he was.

Style and Command

This also seems a little stiff, kinda like the Pluto thing.  As I see it, there's a minimum amount of information that needs to be said for the reader to pick up what's being talked about, but that level seems like too much to be realistic?  At least to me.  Referring to the teams by both city and mascot name seems a little rigid.  I'm not sure what the standard practice is in Japan, though.

My gut tells me to do something like this: Hankyu, the Giants, Yomiuri, Yakult.  That way, Haruhi refers to them mostly by city names, while Kyon's father refers to teams mostly by mascot, and you can strike a balance: getting what comes off as what may be a more natural conversation while still conveying that this is Japanese baseball of the era.

Actually, I was under the impression that those were the proper names for the teams. >_>;;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nippon_Professional_Baseball

I guess it just feels off to use the full names, then?  I'll go with your suggestion; I don't really follow a lot of baseball.

To really provide a good answer on this, I probably need to watch more baseball anime.  I'm sure those are the full and proper names for these teams.  It's a question more of what people would actually say in a conversation.  Were this in America and in English, I'd say that using a mascot name alone is somewhat casual, using a city name alone somewhat formal, and using both (city + mascot) is more formal, but can also serve to simply be unambiguous, or to emphasize.

Of course, I know in Japan that the teams can be named for sponsors instead of cities or regions, but the basic structure still applies.  And realistically, all three forms of referring to a team could be used interchangeably and inconsistently by the same person within the span of a few sentences.

Theme

In summation, I do think this piece might've been better served by seeing one of its plotlines through to the end.  I would've picked Haruhi's reconciliation with her parents and Asahina sewing her a new uniform.  That probably couldn't have been seen to the very, very end (I doubt Haruhi's mother could be persuaded to relent so quickly), but it seems like the strongest storyline of the piece.

Hmm.  I was thinking Haruhi finished making her new uniform herself, actually.  The reconciliation wouldn't at all fit in the timeline of the story unless there were a 'at their highschool graduation' flash-forward epilogue.  I don't think that fits in the scope of the story well.

I actually intended it more to be that Kyon gets over his reluctance/hesitance (that aformentioned 'owed Haruhi too much' element) and decides that even if it's at a slow pace, he really does want to pursue her.  Everything else was just closing elements left hanging from Outcast or meant to show that life goes on, and things are slowly improving.

Yeah, like I said, I doubt the full resolution could be portrayed here, but some definite sign of progress?  Perhaps.  As it stands, Haruhi doesn't know that Kyon has met with her father.  I could imagine, for instance, that she finds out and, while having mixed feelings that her father is unable to stand up to her mother more overtly, she decides that she's willing to accept that aid in the ultimate hope that the family can be mended with time.

...of course, as I say that, I wonder to myself if that would really do the trick.

The message of Kyon overcoming the idea that he owes Haruhi something (which he had used to justify not pursuing her further) does come across, definitely.

[izzy84075]

A bit late to this particular party, but better late than never. Only a few mistakes that caught my eye, in the spoiler below.

Spoiler: ShowHide

the newly discovered moon of ninth planet?

Missing a "the"?

comparing him Haruhi as 'less attractive.'

And a "to"...

"There must be some explanation for how we come to wake up on a park bench,"

Came, I believe.

"I'm Sarah Jane."

...I'm going to start seeing these everywhere, now, aren't I?

If my subconscious had a physical form at that point, I might have to swat it for that!

Something about this line bugs me. Not sure what, but something's off somewhere...

that he'd take a later train, but needed to discuss something with one of his teachers.

I think "but" should be replaced with something like "as he".

"Can you be really sure?"

Should "be" and "really" be swapped? I'm not quite sure how I'm interpreting it as it is, but it seems more like something you would say after somebody seems iffy about whether something will work.

"it may be an assumption -- we make assumptions about many things in our life.

Missing a closing ".

It held a picture from an instant camera

D'aww.

All in all, quite enjoyable. A bit lighter hearted than Outcast, but not enough to feel out of place. I like this take on the Three Years Ago incident. Really gives a chance to show off how much Haruhi's changed, given what's happened.

Skimming the other comments, I didn't really notice that there was no driving plot to this. I don't really think this particular piece needs one, though. It manages to be a natural extension of Outcast, at least to me. Without getting burdened with a whole bunch of new stuff, it shows the consequences of what previously happened and how the characters involved adapted to them, which in hindsight didn't really happen much in Outcast, if I remember correctly.

And as far as the "will they or won't they" question... Honestly, in this particular case, I don't think I want an answer. With Kyon being Kyon and Haruhi's seemingly deep-seated desire for Kyon to make the first move, it would either seem very obviously forced to get to the point quickly, or take forever to get there. A lot of the remaining loose ends are this way, and at least as this particular installment is written, they're better left untied, I think.

[Brian]

A bit late to this particular party, but better late than never. Only a few mistakes that caught my eye, in the spoiler below.

Alrighty -- thanks for the feedback. :D

Spoiler: ShowHide

"I'm Sarah Jane."

...I'm going to start seeing these everywhere, now, aren't I?

Almost certainly, yes. ;D

If my subconscious had a physical form at that point, I might have to swat it for that!

Something about this line bugs me. Not sure what, but something's off somewhere...

If my subconscious had a physical form, I might get into a fight with it over such a thing!

"Can you be really sure?"

Should "be" and "really" be swapped? I'm not quite sure how I'm interpreting it as it is, but it seems more like something you would say after somebody seems iffy about whether something will work.

I think it works, since Kyon is asking how certain Koizumi can be about people always dreaming.

"it may be an assumption -- we make assumptions about many things in our life.

Missing a closing ".

No, that's right.  You can leave off the trailing quotation if the next paragraph is from the same speaker.

It held a picture from an instant camera

D'aww.

Planned from the very beginning!  :D

All in all, quite enjoyable. A bit lighter hearted than Outcast, but not enough to feel out of place. I like this take on the Three Years Ago incident. Really gives a chance to show off how much Haruhi's changed, given what's happened.

That was easily my favorite part of the entire thing.

And as far as the "will they or won't they" question... Honestly, in this particular case, I don't think I want an answer. With Kyon being Kyon and Haruhi's seemingly deep-seated desire for Kyon to make the first move, it would either seem very obviously forced to get to the point quickly, or take forever to get there. A lot of the remaining loose ends are this way, and at least as this particular installment is written, they're better left untied, I think.

Well, it's not really of a question of 'if' as much as 'when', in any case.  It's all basically 'happily ever after' fanservice, but that's presumably okay in a WAFF fic.  At least, I hope it is.  :p

Thanks again for the feedback!  If I didn't comment on a grammar change, it's because I used it!

[izzy84075]

"it may be an assumption -- we make assumptions about many things in our life.

Missing a closing ".

No, that's right.  You can leave off the trailing quotation if the next paragraph is from the same speaker.

Even when you start the next paragraph with a quotation mark? If so, I'm really glad I don't need to write a program to parse English... *shudder*

[Brian]

Yep.  You get preceeding quotations and not trailing ones.

It is, unfortunately, becoming less of a well-known thing that it goes that way. :x