[Haruhi] K:BDH chapter 62

[Brian]

This chapter is quite rough.

[Grahf]

Giving this a quick go-through at the moment:

Yuuto managed a cry of outrage, in tandem with his daughter

Are you referring to Haruhi here? Or did Tsuruya arrive at some point with Kasai?

That's all I really saw on this read-through at the moment. Or at least the only thing that really stuck out to me.

[KitsuneHerikawa]

Thank you. I haven't had a good laugh for a few weeks. The driving sequence hit the spot in that regard.

At first glance, just two typos:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Sasaki's blush deepened faintly. "That's true," she admitted. "Um, there's also the ... irony that being offered that dish is also traditionally a polite way of being asked to leave, so I've really been able to enjoy it fairly rarely rarely. I'm afraid I'm not much in the kitchen...."

Perhaps the second was intended to be really?


Also

The boy in question couldn't keep his face from reddening faintly at the praise. "I never doubted Sempai," Kane asserted proudly, which made him chuckle nervously and scratch the back of his head.

I assume that should be Kanae?

Perhaps more after I let it sink in. And again I thank you for that bout of joviality.

[oso]

Well, that was a very entertaining read.

Spoiler: ShowHide

So Kyon has a family member from Initial D too? Now I'm hoping his mother is even more unique than what we already know...

I only caught one thing my first read through:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Hmm, she'd probably love a chance to learn some martial arts once they got her to stop suppressing supernatural events, wouldn't she? Sure, she had her own super power, but even Kanae had learned how to get away from people better.

I assumed Haruhi was referring to Sasaki, when she said "she'd", but it might also refer to herself as well. You probably want to make that paragraph less ambiguous.

[KitsuneHerikawa]

A few more items to consider.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Starting up with pulling out of the driveway backward was quite possibly one of the trickiest ways to go about it

From my perspective, this would be starting out

Yuuto reflexively clicked the timer he habitually kept on a chord inside his shirt

Cord. Chord is musical or emotional; cord is a wire, rope, or string.

this car might not be heavy enough for you to get the traction you'll needs to stay in control on that corner

Unless Tsuruya-sama is rubbing off on Yuuto, this should be need.

Kyon seemed to show no sign of it, though for some reason, it persisted, and the car didn't spring back up in the slightest.

This felt like too many commas. I'd keep the first, drop the second, and go with your gut on the third.

Kyon cursed as the van came into slight

Should be sight.

but slammed on the breaks

Brakes.

Tsuruya-hime and the others are waiting for you inside.

Does Shinobu call Tsuruya with '-hime' or is that just Kyon? I don't honestly recall, but it seemed out of place here for some reason.

"So if Sasaki-chan needs you, you'll be there?"
<Snip>"So, of course I would."

This doesn't match gramatically. Either you'll should be you'd (with needs; becoming needed) or would should be will. Of course as written, it reflects the way people actually talk. Proofing this post, I can also see this as Haruhi stating something she is sure will happen, since she and Tsuruya basically just set it up, buy Kyon, having just arrived, is still thinking hypothetically.

"Do we even have two free seats?" Taniguchi wondered, looking around the classroom.
"Just one," Kunikida confirmed.

I thought 'shouldn't it be two' until I remembered Asakura went to "Canada" last year...

Yanagimoto tried very hard not to suspect

Did she try not to suspect it, or did she try not to show that she suspected it? It seems that despite her deliberate efforts to remain on the periphery, she is still a bit to close to not suspect when something unusual happens.

all of us espers tried to reach out and find others who were the same as then

them. Although, the last two words could also be omitted, given how this progresses.
 

and some of us ... though that it would be like some sort of manga[/size][/font]

thought

Mori's smile at being called a 'demoness' was especially chilling.
<Snip>
"I wish I were half as intimidating as her!" Mori exclaimed cheerfully

Intimidating, indeed.  Kowaii yo!!



I'm not finding it now, but somewhere toward the end you have Haruhi "gently" asking Sasaki something about the new frontiers she was discovering. Having just re-read the original 11 volumes, the technical writer/editor in me thought "Haruhi" and "gently" shouldn't be in the same sentence. However, to the read-to-enjoy part of me, it fit right in here which shows how far she has progressed in becoming the person she wants to be.



I was also hoping for a Hinamizawa tickle-fest scene. Rika seemed smug enough that I can easily see the others "needing" to help her get over herself ...



Overall, an anjoyable chapter. I usually enjoy watching peripheral characters do 'puzzle piecing' as certain things begin to come to light. Sasaki, Yanagimoto, and Yuuto all did well in reasoning out the unreasonable.

[Specular]

Late arriving C&C.

It seems that most of the typos I noticed were already mentioned, though.

From my first reading:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Haruhi blinked, her face paling as she froze. "Er, uh– Well, you see ... you mentioned it to my father, didn't you?" she asked, smiling nervously.

Yuuto frowned and stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Your father?" he asked doubtfully before his eyes widened slightly. "Ah– I didn't realize that your father was my superior at work! I thought it must be a different Suzumiya!"

I'm confused about how and when Haruhi realized that connection. Sure, Kyon mentioned that their parents worked on the same company once, but it'd be quite a leap of logic if she figured it out from just that.

Alternatively, and assuming that I'm not simply forgetting something (at the moment I don't even remember how Yuuto and Haruhi met for the first time, the hospital maybe?), Haruhi could say that her father mentioned at home how someone from work had to leave early one day because his feverish daughter ran off when her mother wasn't looking (I'm not sure if Haruhi's father knows more than that). It's the kind of thing that would come up during table talk and specific enough to be telling.

"She's at the market; I suspect she'll be back very soon," Yuuto agreed, smiling at his daughter. "On that note, Nono-chan, we're going to need you to distract your mother for a bit. Can you do that?"

"Sure!" Nonoko agreed without hesitation. "I'll ask her for help with my hair, and then tell her about how we time traveled to celebrate Nii-san's birthday with the aunties!"

They probably don't need to keep Akane in the dark about the driving lessons. If I'm not mistaken it was her idea in the first place and I don't think she would oppose to idea of Kyon learning a skill that could be useful to him at "work". Although I can see why Yuuto would want to keep Nonoko distracted so she won't think of accompanying them. IMO, the less people in the car to make a new driver nervous during practical lessons, the better (I'm kind of surprised that Yuuto didn't object Haruhi's presence though).

"Well, Haruhi-chan here already figured it out, even though I don't particularly remember explaining it to her father ... heh, small world, isn't it?" The bespectacled man shook his head slowly.

I think this is the first time that it's mentioned that Yuuto wears glasses.

"Right," Kyon agreed again, nodding, his eyes fixed firmly on the road. They were halfway down the street when Kyon's phone began producing some unfamiliar musical theme. Yuuto couldn't help but think that it sounded militaristic and forbidding, with unfamiliar English lyrics.

I'm curious. What song was that?

"Got it," Kyon affirmed. "Too bad we don't have a helicopter."

For a moment I pictured Kyon being asked if he can fly such a thing and he answering "Not yet". What can I say? I still watch that movie from time to time.

"We'll be okay," Kyon grumbled, glaring forward, to where a minivan was just cresting the top of the next steep slope. "Haruhi – you're ready to back me up?"

"As long as she can't see us when it happens," Haruhi affirmed. "That means that if it works out, this will all be up to you!"

Too unsubtle, IMO. Perhaps removing the words "you're ready to back me up"?

They passed it in a flash, revealing a number of thuggish looking men staring at Kyon anxiously, and a girl that Yuuto didn't recognize, squirming to escape her captors.

"Pro tip" for the yaks: Opaque glasses or no-windows back doors are recommended at the moment of choosing a van for a kidnapping.

"Are you kidding?" one of the men protested scornfully. "We just got taken down by both of the Kowa Keigo, and the legendary 'demoness'! How many of our brothers can say that?"

How the heck Mori achieved "legendary" status in such a short time (a little more than a month with the Tsuruya-tachi, I think)? The Kowa Keigo's "career" is notorious enough for that but how did she--? On a second thought, I'm probably better off not knowing.

"Family techniques!" Yuuto said proudly. "As passed to me by my older brother, when he was first delivering tofu on back mountain roads!"

Takumi?

Yuuto shook his head at the memories, continuing, "Along with my other older brother, who took to computers like I took to cars – but that's a story for another time.

That's probably too obscure of a reference for readers who don't know about Distant Glimpses. I suggest dropping the name Akira in there to get them wondering, "Nominal Importance" trope and all that.

Haruhi thought her knees would be shaking far too much to walk properly once Yuuto finished Kyon's rather grueling 'instruction' on 'proper driving.' The man was an absolute demon behind the wheel!

I think it's still funny how Yuuto thinks nothing of his driving skills and how they could make people in the car with him nervous.

After the festival, Sasaki was escorted again by Fujiwara, and found herself in Tsuruya's home. She'd only been there the one time, to be measured for her uniform by Mikuru -- who was evidently quite an accomplished seamstress. It was different at night, and by the time Sasaki took off the blindfold...

IIRC, Sasaki visited Tsuruya's house for the first time after hers and Haruhi's kidnapping (kbdh55-56).

Perhaps Mion's house and Tsuruya's house were the same building, and it was all clever props? The time seemed to be the same, though when Sasaki looked around, the only person nearby was the head maid. She looked strangely subdued, looking off to one side with a frown.

"Fujiwara already vanished?" Sasaki asked, with a frown.

Perhaps changing "Sasaki asked, with a frown" to "Sasaki asked, with a frown of her own"?

"Somehow ... yes," the maid agreed, shaking her head before turning a smile to Sasaki. "Tsuruya-hime and the others are waiting for you inside."

IINM, Shinobu calls her "Tsuruya-chan" but she probably won't do it in front of Sasaki just yet.

"More uniforms?" Sasaki asked in surprise. "But, you already gave me two! I shouldn't need that many!"

"Time travel," Haruhi said, grinning. "So you think today is ... Wednesday, right? And tomorrow should be Thursday?"

"Ah ... that's right," Sasaki agreed, nodding. "But you want me to think it's time travel?"

If I'm reading this right, that scene is happening on Sunday. If Fujiwara sent past!Sasaki to Hinamizawa from early Monday, then the latter spent/will spend the night before Monday on her own home, which makes me wonder where future!Sasaki (the one with the SOS Brigade right now) will sleep. Tsuruya's house?

"Do we even have two free seats?" Taniguchi wondered, looking around the classroom.

"Just one," Kunikida confirmed.

Yamane's? Good observation. I completely forgot about that. He was seated close to Yanagimoto, right?

"Well, if our school is a shounen manga, you're the protagonist, probably," Taniguchi reasoned. "Some rival? Enemy? New fiancee? Or maybe a friend you rescued, who is joining the team as a new ally!"

xD

The "new fiancee" bit makes me think of Ranma.

"Class, joining us today and for the rest of the year is a new student. This is Tachibana Kyouko. Tachibana?" he prompted.

Good call. Sasaki in Kyon and Haruhi's class would make things difficult for Kunikida and Sakanaka.

This elicited some excited gasps, and Yanagimoto bit back a growl when Taniguchi shot Kyon a speculative look– For his part, Kyon seemed unsurprised, but also entirely unconcerned.

Taniguchi might be comic relief, but he is just so damn good at it.

Also, I think a dot would be better than a dash symbol after the word "look".

Kanae giggled, and Haruhi made a at her face before brightening. "Aha," she chuckled, grinning widely. "Say 'ah', my cute little Kanae-chan!"

"made a at her face" -> "made a face" (?)

Kanae spotted her chance, and perked up; Haruhi had gotten a few grains from the onigiri on her face. "Aha, Suzumiya-sempai, you've got some rice on your cheek!" she said brightly, leaning forward and carefully plucking them up. She winked at Haruhi before licking them from her fingertips carefully.

Haruhi stared at that, eyes wide and cheeks pink. "T...that...." She immediately scowled and turned to Yuki, who was only just then lowering the phone. "...well done, Kanae-chan," she admitted, blushing more deeply. "Though, I think we should keep that from Kyon–"

Did Kanae just "out-flirt" Haruhi? (Is that even a word?) One can just wonder how a more "daring" and self-assured Kanae would be. Recommendation for the SOS Brigade: Never let her get drunk, not even "on the atmosphere" (I'm currently playing Persona 4, you see).

IMO, Haruhi congratulating Kanae in the last paragraph was a particularly nice touch.

"I am keeping the pictures," Yuki added quietly, when the silence dragged on. "They will be uploaded to your private library."

I knew Yuki had to know about that. I was kind of expecting that Ryouko or perhaps Kuyou would be the one to let that one slip though. BTW, it's kind of amazing how Yuki doesn't come across as... let's say "nosy" even if she is so thoroughly "aware" of her significant other's doings. It's not like someone with her perceptions can really help it though.

"It's going to be okay!" Haruhi declared. "So, take a deep breath, have a seat, and relax!"

"Er, yes," Sasaki allowed, unable to keep from leaning toward Kyon. He caught it and shifted his chair a bit closer, giving her a reassuring smile and a half-hearted shrug, as though to say, 'What can you do?' before he put one arm about her shoulder.

That prompted Kyouko to blink and cock her head slightly to one side, frowning.

Do Kyouko and Koizumi not know about Kyon and Sasaki or I'm reading this wrong?

"Yuki-chan, too," Kyon offered. "I'm sure Mikuru remembers that, though."

I don't like how Kyon phrased that. He should know how unpleasant that memory is for Mikuru. How about:

"Yuki-chan too, last December," Kyon offered.

"Easy!" Tsuruya exclaimed with a chuckle. Pointing at Koizumi, she said, "Esper," before moving her finger to Kanae. "Slider." Mikuru was indicated next. "Time traveler." Haruhi was the next target. "Part-time-magical girl."

Haruhi pouted and blushed at that, muttering, "It's a bit more complicated than that...."

xD

"I think so," Sasaki managed, feeling a bit distant. "But it strikes me that it would be a very good time to faint right now, if it's not too much trouble."

Sasaki here reminds me Robert De Niro in Ronin ("If you don't mind, I'm gonna pass out").





I have to say I like the way how the "breaking the masquerade" to Sasaki was handled. No big scare, no unnecessarily dramatical reveal. Just slowly piling up the evidence around her so she would connect the dots on her own and accept the truth when it got too self-evident to ignore.

Also, I makes a lot of sense to me that the main focus of the SOS Brigade was first to subtly reassure Sasaki that everything was going to be alright, which turned any potential freakout into a (very polite) fainting. A huge success in my book.

From an in-universe perspective, I think it was a little underhanded of the main characters to encourage a romantic relationship between Kyon and Sasaki at the same time she was supposed to deal with the reveal of the supernatural. IMO, it was an effective way to nudge Sasaki's subconscious to look beyond her preconceptions and keep an open mind about things, but the cynical part of me can help but notice how granting Sasaki with the opportunity to follow through with her feelings for Kyon would ensure Sasaki's support and loyalty post-reveal. Her powers, however limited as they are now, are a major factor to simply left unchecked.

The thing I'm interested the most right now is what is going to happen next, particularly how someone like Sasaki will adapt to the SOS Brigade (and vice versa) and what was going to be her place within it.

Just like Kanae, I think Sasaki could soon feel that she is not reciprocating all the help she is getting from her friends even if she knows they care that much about her. Probably being assigned with a role and certain responsibilities, a way to contribute with something tangible would appeal to her. I'm currently picturing Sasaki as an aide of sorts to Haruhi or Tsuruya, someone pragmatic and highly competent who helps to make their projects run smoothly. For example, let's say Haruhi wants to make another movie for the cultural festival, Sasaki would be the first to say stuff like "do you have a script?", "we will need permission to film in such location though", "I can probably get better equipment on loan", etc.

On a less serious note, my personal bet is that Sasaki's first direct experience with the supernatural will involve chibis (Rule of Cute is powerful like that). I'm also kind of expecting that her arrival to Kitago will remain largely unnoticed by the student body next to Kyouko's. After all, someone as popular as Koizumi suddenly hooking up with somebody sounds like a juicy piece of gossip considering previous rumors.

[izzy84075]

Too tired to format this properly at the moment, but here's the few things I found.

Spoiler: ShowHide

   "Your mother wants something fetched from out of town to make a cake for tomorrow.
Missing a closing quote? I think I might've mentioned something like this last time, but I'm too lazy to go look right now.

    "I'm take Kyon and his study partner with me for that errand you asked me to take care of."
Taking.

    we share everything!
If only he knew how far that went...

   Kyon's grip on the steering wheel tightened as his eyebrows drew together in fierce concentration.
Yesssssss.

   kept on a chord
Cord? Or does he have some musical magical power?

   Yuuto felt his eyebrow twitch and decided it was a good time for a cigarette.
I'll take one, too, if you don't mind...

   Yuki's lips twitched in a tiny smile, but she said nothing.
So... Do the Tsuruya maid(s?) know of Yuki's ninja skills?

   I've really been able to enjoy it fairly rarely rarely.
Something happened here. Brain's too mushy to process a proper version of it at the moment, though.

   We have the next meeting work out these details!
Add a "to" after "meeting".

   "This is incidentally, also the story of how I got my powers,"
I would put another comma before "incidentally", myself, but...

   find others who were the same as then,
s/then/them/

   "But it strikes me that it would be a very good time to faint right now, if it's not too much trouble."
Oh, Sasaki...

[Brian]

And now is the hour of horrifically belated replies!

Grahf:

Giving this a quick go-through at the moment:

Yuuto managed a cry of outrage, in tandem with his daughter

Are you referring to Haruhi here? Or did Tsuruya arrive at some point with Kasai?

That's all I really saw on this read-through at the moment. Or at least the only thing that really stuck out to me.

Nope, that was a typo.  Should have been 'boss's daughter' (which could also apply to Tsuruya as well).  This leads up to a joke I've been working on for a while, though I'm not sure the payoff will be worth it....

Kitsu (bonus points for most complex BBCode so far :P -- ten points to RavenKitsu!):

Thank you. I haven't had a good laugh for a few weeks. The driving sequence hit the spot in that regard.

:D

Spoiler: ShowHide

At first glance, just two typos:

Sasaki's blush deepened faintly. "That's true," she admitted. "Um, there's also the ... irony that being offered that dish is also traditionally a polite way of being asked to leave, so I've really been able to enjoy it fairly rarely rarely. I'm afraid I'm not much in the kitchen...."

Perhaps the second was intended to be really?

Oops, no just a repeated word. :x

Also

The boy in question couldn't keep his face from reddening faintly at the praise. "I never doubted Sempai," Kane asserted proudly, which made him chuckle nervously and scratch the back of his head.

I assume that should be Kanae?

Yes!  Not ... sure how that one happened. :x

Perhaps more after I let it sink in. And again I thank you for that bout of joviality.
[/quote]

Oso:

Well, that was a very entertaining read.

Spoiler: ShowHide

So Kyon has a family member from Initial D too? Now I'm hoping his mother is even more unique than what we already know...

Indeed. :p

Glad you enjoyed it!

I only caught one thing my first read through:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Hmm, she'd probably love a chance to learn some martial arts once they got her to stop suppressing supernatural events, wouldn't she? Sure, she had her own super power, but even Kanae had learned how to get away from people better.

I assumed Haruhi was referring to Sasaki, when she said "she'd", but it might also refer to herself as well. You probably want to make that paragraph less ambiguous.

Oops -- you're right.  I'll disambigufy that.



Wow -- thanks for the feedback, guys; I greatly appreciate it. :D

[Brian]

Kitsu 2, Electric Herikawagaloo:

It's a bit of a pain to quote neatly -- if I don't respond to a comment, it's because I used it.

Actually, I ended up using pretty much all of them. o_o

To answer your questions, though:

Shinobu should call Tsuruya 'Haruka-chan', and Yanagimoto can't help but suspect -- but she can avoid showing her suspicion, so I'll fix it to that.

I was also hoping for a Hinamizawa tickle-fest scene. Rika seemed smug enough that I can easily see the others "needing" to help her get over herself ...

There's a thought.  It'd be an offscreen thing, I imagine, but it might get referenced later. :p

Overall, an anjoyable chapter. I usually enjoy watching peripheral characters do 'puzzle piecing' as certain things begin to come to light. Sasaki, Yanagimoto, and Yuuto all did well in reasoning out the unreasonable.

That sounds so Gurren Lagganish....

Thanks for the feedback and corrections! :D

[Phlogiston Man]

Akane's brother couldn't really be like that, and there was no way Kyon would take after him, if it were true ... right?

The last part sounds off. Did you mean "even if it were true ... right?"

[Brian]

Specular

Late arriving C&C.

It seems that most of the typos I noticed were already mentioned, though.

Possibly; if I skip over something it'll be because I either used the suggestion or someone else pointed it out already. @_@

Spoiler: ShowHide

I'm confused about how and when Haruhi realized that connection. Sure, Kyon mentioned that their parents worked on the same company once, but it'd be quite a leap of logic if she figured it out from just that.

Alternatively, and assuming that I'm not simply forgetting something (at the moment I don't even remember how Yuuto and Haruhi met for the first time, the hospital maybe?), Haruhi could say that her father mentioned at home how someone from work had to leave early one day because his feverish daughter ran off when her mother wasn't looking (I'm not sure if Haruhi's father knows more than that). It's the kind of thing that would come up during table talk and specific enough to be telling.

I didn't think it needed to be spelled out, but I guess it doesn't hurt.  I'll add something about it.

They probably don't need to keep Akane in the dark about the driving lessons. If I'm not mistaken it was her idea in the first place and I don't think she would oppose to idea of Kyon learning a skill that could be useful to him at "work". Although I can see why Yuuto would want to keep Nonoko distracted so she won't think of accompanying them. IMO, the less people in the car to make a new driver nervous during practical lessons, the better (I'm kind of surprised that Yuuto didn't object Haruhi's presence though).

Hmm.  Yuuto wouldn't want Akane insisting Kyon focus on 'less efficient' driving methods, though.  While she might be okay with the idea of Kyon driving, well....

I'll add something from Yuuto reflecting on that thought:

He doubted Akane would protest Kyon learning to drive, but she would undoubtedly protest Kyon learning to drive _efficiently_.

"Well, Haruhi-chan here already figured it out, even though I don't particularly remember explaining it to her father ... heh, small world, isn't it?" The bespectacled man shook his head slowly.

I think this is the first time that it's mentioned that Yuuto wears glasses.

...so it is.  Thought I'd mentioned it before. :x

I'm curious. What song was that?

If I remember correctly, it was The Nancy, by Stan Rogers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U02flhdAt7I

I'm not actually 100% sure, now. :x

"Got it," Kyon affirmed. "Too bad we don't have a helicopter."

For a moment I pictured Kyon being asked if he can fly such a thing and he answering "Not yet". What can I say? I still watch that movie from time to time.

[FORESHADOWING]

"We'll be okay," Kyon grumbled, glaring forward, to where a minivan was just cresting the top of the next steep slope. "Haruhi – you're ready to back me up?"

"As long as she can't see us when it happens," Haruhi affirmed. "That means that if it works out, this will all be up to you!"

Too unsubtle, IMO. Perhaps removing the words "you're ready to back me up"?

Er, needs a bit more revision than that to make sense, but will fix.

"Pro tip" for the yaks: Opaque glasses or no-windows back doors are recommended at the moment of choosing a van for a kidnapping.

Ironically, that'd just make it easier for Kyon and company. :p

How the heck Mori achieved "legendary" status in such a short time (a little more than a month with the Tsuruya-tachi, I think)? The Kowa Keigo's "career" is notorious enough for that but how did she--? On a second thought, I'm probably better off not knowing.

It's probably for the best.  But it probably has something to do with her and Kasai muttering about interrupted dates. o_o;

Takumi?

Correct.

That's probably too obscure of a reference for readers who don't know about Distant Glimpses. I suggest dropping the name Akira in there to get them wondering, "Nominal Importance" trope and all that.

I'm not sure ... I can always reference it later, though.  Haruhi will want to follow up, since she believes that Kyon is descended from a long line of badasses.

Haruhi: "I have yet to see evidence to the contrary."
Sasaki: "Based on that driving skill, I may be forced to agree.  What is Imouto's great strength, though?"
Kyon: *deadpan* "Getting the most awesome 'big-sisters' by proxy ever."

I think it's still funny how Yuuto thinks nothing of his driving skills and how they could make people in the car with him nervous.

Well, many of his passengers are burdened with an overabundance of sanity.

IIRC, Sasaki visited Tsuruya's house for the first time after hers and Haruhi's kidnapping (kbdh55-56).

Shoot, that's right.

"Fujiwara already vanished?" Sasaki asked, with a frown.

Perhaps changing "Sasaki asked, with a frown" to "Sasaki asked, with a frown of her own"?

Yes, good idea. :p

IINM, Shinobu calls her "Tsuruya-chan" but she probably won't do it in front of Sasaki just yet.

Haruka-chan, actually, outside of formal settings. >_>;

If I'm reading this right, that scene is happening on Sunday. If Fujiwara sent past!Sasaki to Hinamizawa from early Monday, then the latter spent/will spend the night before Monday on her own home, which makes me wonder where future!Sasaki (the one with the SOS Brigade right now) will sleep. Tsuruya's house?

Correct.

Yamane's? Good observation. I completely forgot about that. He was seated close to Yanagimoto, right?

Yep.  But the seats get shuffled around a lot.

The "new fiancee" bit makes me think of Ranma.

Exactly what I was going for!

Taniguchi might be comic relief, but he is just so damn good at it.

Also, I think a dot would be better than a dash symbol after the word "look".

Could be doable.  Also, Taniguchi knows his role and makes the most of it. :p

Did Kanae just "out-flirt" Haruhi? (Is that even a word?) One can just wonder how a more "daring" and self-assured Kanae would be. Recommendation for the SOS Brigade: Never let her get drunk, not even "on the atmosphere" (I'm currently playing Persona 4, you see).

IMO, Haruhi congratulating Kanae in the last paragraph was a particularly nice touch.

:D

I knew Yuki had to know about that. I was kind of expecting that Ryouko or perhaps Kuyou would be the one to let that one slip though. BTW, it's kind of amazing how Yuki doesn't come across as... let's say "nosy" even if she is so thoroughly "aware" of her significant other's doings. It's not like someone with her perceptions can really help it though.

That's my hope!

Do Kyouko and Koizumi not know about Kyon and Sasaki or I'm reading this wrong?

Koizumi hasn't been told, but has figured it out; he has tried to explain it to Kyouko, but she keeps agressively making out with him when the opportunity comes up for some reason....

"Yuki-chan, too," Kyon offered. "I'm sure Mikuru remembers that, though."

I don't like how Kyon phrased that. He should know how unpleasant that memory is for Mikuru. How about:

"Yuki-chan too, last December," Kyon offered.

Actually, Kyon meant Tanabata, for Mikuru.  I'll add in a bit for that.  Also:

Kyon: "It was even less pleasant for me."  *gets a papercut*  "...ow."
Mikuru: "Waaah~!  Don't die, Kyon-kun!"

But, hmm. 

"I think so," Sasaki managed, feeling a bit distant. "But it strikes me that it would be a very good time to faint right now, if it's not too much trouble."

Sasaki here reminds me Robert De Niro in Ronin ("If you don't mind, I'm gonna pass out").

I had fun with that; Sasaki's reaction seems very cute to me. :p

I have to say I like the way how the "breaking the masquerade" to Sasaki was handled. No big scare, no unnecessarily dramatical reveal. Just slowly piling up the evidence around her so she would connect the dots on her own and accept the truth when it got too self-evident to ignore.

Also, I makes a lot of sense to me that the main focus of the SOS Brigade was first to subtly reassure Sasaki that everything was going to be alright, which turned any potential freakout into a (very polite) fainting. A huge success in my book.

Hooray~!

From an in-universe perspective, I think it was a little underhanded of the main characters to encourage a romantic relationship between Kyon and Sasaki at the same time she was supposed to deal with the reveal of the supernatural. IMO, it was an effective way to nudge Sasaki's subconscious to look beyond her preconceptions and keep an open mind about things, but the cynical part of me can help but notice how granting Sasaki with the opportunity to follow through with her feelings for Kyon would ensure Sasaki's support and loyalty post-reveal. Her powers, however limited as they are now, are a major factor to simply left unchecked.

Hmm.  I hadn't thought of that, and I suspect Haruhi wouldn't have, either.

But Sasaki might mention it and admit she isn't sure how to feel about it.  Gives Haruhi a chance to be surprised and say she hadn't thought of it that way -- that she genuinely just wanted to bring Sasaki in because she liked her (and realized that even if he didn't realize it, Kyon did, too).  And she can explain that while she was afraid of Sasaki's power, she wasn't trying to obtain that power for herself (or the Brigade); not being in danger from it, though, is something Haruhi would want.  Sasaki would be ameable to that, I think.

The thing I'm interested the most right now is what is going to happen next, particularly how someone like Sasaki will adapt to the SOS Brigade (and vice versa) and what was going to be her place within it.

Just like Kanae, I think Sasaki could soon feel that she is not reciprocating all the help she is getting from her friends even if she knows they care that much about her. Probably being assigned with a role and certain responsibilities, a way to contribute with something tangible would appeal to her. I'm currently picturing Sasaki as an aide of sorts to Haruhi or Tsuruya, someone pragmatic and highly competent who helps to make their projects run smoothly. For example, let's say Haruhi wants to make another movie for the cultural festival, Sasaki would be the first to say stuff like "do you have a script?", "we will need permission to film in such location though", "I can probably get better equipment on loan", etc.

Yeah, a lot of logistics and that sort of thing; she'd be more Hero Support, and give Haruhi a chance to be an ace-in-the-hole when needed.

On a less serious note, my personal bet is that Sasaki's first direct experience with the supernatural will involve chibis (Rule of Cute is powerful like that). I'm also kind of expecting that her arrival to Kitago will remain largely unnoticed by the student body next to Kyouko's. After all, someone as popular as Koizumi suddenly hooking up with somebody sounds like a juicy piece of gossip considering previous rumors.

Welll....

[spoiler]That's totally going to happen.  Chuou/Sasaki.  XD

[/spoiler]


Whew!  Thanks for the feedback! @_@

[Brian]

Too tired to format this properly at the moment, but here's the few things I found.

Spoiler: ShowHide

"Your mother wants something fetched from out of town to make a cake for tomorrow.
Missing a closing quote? I think I might've mentioned something like this last time, but I'm too lazy to go look right now.

Yep, missed closing quote. :x

"I'm take Kyon and his study partner with me for that errand you asked me to take care of."
Taking.

Oops--  Fixed. :p

Yuki's lips twitched in a tiny smile, but she said nothing.
So... Do the Tsuruya maid(s?) know of Yuki's ninja skills?

Good question!

   I've really been able to enjoy it fairly rarely rarely.
Something happened here. Brain's too mushy to process a proper version of it at the moment, though.

Just a repeated word.

Add a "to" after "meeting".

Missing word, yeah.

"This is incidentally, also the story of how I got my powers,"
I would put another comma before "incidentally", myself, but...

Always take the option to put in more commas!

find others who were the same as then,
s/then/them/

Fixed. :x

Oh, Sasaki...

:D

Thanks greatly for the suggestions and help! :)

[Brian]

Akane's brother couldn't really be like that, and there was no way Kyon would take after him, if it were true ... right?

The last part sounds off. Did you mean "even if it were true ... right?"

I did!  Thank you for the catch. O_O;;

[Ergoemos]

Err, sorry if I should post somewhere else first, but I did have a question regarding Yuuto's portions, especially early on.

Spoiler: ShowHide

 It seemed like Yuuto's perspective is written with a rather large number of compound-complex sentences... They aren't precisely run-on, but they do get very, very wordy. They could be just as easily be a little shorter, it seems. I only noticed because his portion (the first time we see the world through his perspective, if I recall correctly) follows Nonoko's perspective.

It gives her a young and sort of excitable train-of-thought perspective. For Yuuto, with his more mature perspective, it is more jarring. At least, it was for me. I will leave a few examples and skedaddle before I overstay my welcome:

He knew that Kyon getting into the top ten so late in the year was dreadfully unlikely, and that Kyon hardly got to celebrate his birthday because the circumstances behind it were ... awkward, to say the least.

Starting up with pulling out of the driveway backward was quite possibly one of the trickiest ways to go about it, but Yuuto had confidence in his son, and if he learned the harder parts of maneuvering first, he'd be that much better at the easier parts!

Yuuto swallowed nervously, as Haruhi focused on the phone, giving updated directions, and Kyon continued accelerating. By the time they reached the country roads on the outskirts of town, Yuuto was beginning to appreciate his son's skill. .

The grade was remarkably steep, and it would be an ideal point to power accelerate through, except that the curve after the bridge wasn't inclined enough to maintain a good speed without sliding off the mountain path, unless the driver was particularly skilled.

At Kyon's speed, they would catch up to it on the next straight segment around that curve -- the van's driver seemed to realize that, too, judging by the frantic-looking wobble as the (far less skilled, in Yuuto's mind) driver tried to slam on the accelerator, nearly losing control.

Er, at least, that's what I saw. Maybe they are perfectly appropriate, given that most of the events happen during a chase scene, and by nature should be more chaotic. If that is how Yuuto's narration goes, I am all for it. I just wasn't sure if it was intentional.


... Anyways, great chapter! I really enjoyed it. I loved that somehow Koizumi and Kyouko got left out of the loop about the expanded harem, unintentionally, just like Kyon and the anniversary party. Their reactions are just great, Koizumi's especially. Distracting factors indeed. 

[Brian]

Thanks for the feedback -- that's somewhat intentional for Yuuto, but the effect I was going for was more 'frazzled' and 'barely keeping up with things' than confused....  Hmm.  I'll have to think about it a bit.

Thanks again for the comment, and welcome to the forums!