Stasis (Natsume thread with others)

[Midnight Sun]

"I...don't really know how to ask this...I'm not even sure if I should be asking this..." she mumbled quickly before stopping and taking a deep breath. "I want...I want to....I want...to know...how to become...a senshi...like you."

[Halbarad]

Usagi's expression becomes rather serious at that, and she rests her arms on the desk as she turns to fully face Natsume. Only one word leaves her lips as she gives the dark-haired girl across from her a searching look.

"Why?"

[Midnight Sun]

"Because...because...I want to protect the things that are important to me!" Natsume finally lets out. "I want to make sure my sister never falls prey to the clutches of a monster again. I want to make sure innocent people don't fall into the hands of demons who will use them and then discard them like trash, or victimized in a monster's rampage. I want...I want to make sure the people I truly care about don't get hurt just for doing the right thing..."

She calms down a bit after finally venting all of that out.

"Look, I'll be honest, despite all my 'noble' intentions, I want to do this especially for Ami, though I'm sure you already guessed that," she admits. "I want to go where she goes, fights where she fights, protect her so that she never has to take stupid risks again!"

"But...I can't do that as I am now...despite all of my training, I'm still powerless. I can make swords, I can shoot energy blasts from my finger, even recently I learned to move at almost double my normal speed. But...all of that...it just doesn't feel like its enough," she continues. "All of that, and I still can't do what a senshi does. I still can't protect anyone."

[Halbarad]

The blonde sighs, leaning her head on one hand as she rubs her temples. "Natsume... even if I could just wave my hand and say 'poof, you're a senshi' - which I can't - there's a lot more to it than just protecting people. You know the story of where we came from at this point - just because that's all far in the past doesn't mean it's meaningless now. The senshi's first duty - more than any other single thing - is to me, and to the kingdom. It's not just an outfit and a lot of flashy abilities."

She raises her head, giving Natsume a serious look. "And if you think you can't protect anyone now, why would becoming a senshi make any difference? If you're going in with that attitude, then all you're looking for out of being a senshi is power. With that in mind, why would I give you that power?"

[Midnight Sun]

"If all I was looking for was pomp and flash I'd dress up as Sailor V and start throwing foliage at people," Natsume answered. Did she always think so little of her? Then again, this entire line of conversation was not painting a good picture of herself. "I won't lie to you. I do want more power. I looked up to you and other senshi BECAUSE you had great power. But it wasn't just your strength I admired, it was what you did with it. It was because you used it for a noble purpose."

"You can question my motives as many times as you like, Lord knows enough people have already, but the answer is never going to change. Whether it be now, later, or a hundred years later, it will always be the same," she continues. "I want to fight to protect people, now more than ever, and to do that I need the power to defeat anything that would endanger them. I could either sit on my laurels and pray that MAYBE fate would drop it into my lap someday, or I could get on my feet, reach up, and grasp it for myself. Even if it means I have to give up my future and live a life of servitude to a kingdom that barely exists."

Finally takes a momentary rest from her prolonged rant.

"Or you could refuse, maybe I'm not worthy of the title of senshi. If that's the case, I'll just have to accept that," she says. "In which, I'll just have to find another path to the same end. It won't be easy, but I'll find it, no matter how long it takes."

[Halbarad]

Usagi's expression darkens, and she frowns. The blonde turns away from Natsume in her seat, and several moments pass before she speaks again, not looking directly at the other girl. "If you needed to go back to Tokyo for any reason, I can take you there for a few minutes. If you're hungry, there's food in the kitchens. If there's nothing else, I have work to get back to."

[Midnight Sun]

She stares at the blonde intensely for a few minutes before finally letting out the breath she'd been holding.

"Tch, shit..." she mumbles before turning and leaving the office relatively quickly.

She walks out of the throne room altogether, this time she goes across the hall and out onto the balcony she spotted before. She needed some air, badly.

"Damnit...damnit, what the hell did I just say in there?" she says to herself. Her voice was shaking slightly, and she was grasping the balcony railing especially tightly. "What is...what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I acting like this?"

She thought getting some rest would help, but it seemed to only make things worse. Everyone else was keeping their heads about them, except for herself. She was the only one running around like a decapitated chicken.

"Just that long?" Usagi asks, sounding a bit surprised. "That was only a couple of days ago. From the way you were talking in there, I figured you'd known her for longer than that."

"Has it only been a few days? Huh..it feels like I've known her for alot longer...," Natsume says quietly. "She's had...a very strong impact on my life. I can't explain why...but she makes me want to be a stronger person."

'As much as I don't want to admit it...she did have a point. Why have I been acting this way for someone I only met a few days ago?' Natsume wonders.

She must have started thinking about her barely a day after she met her, by her recollection. That probably was not too unusual, she is very cute, it'd make sense to think about her after seeing her.

'Then when I saw her again at the hospital, I all of a sudden decided that I was in love with her, or at least that I wanted to be,' she thinks. 'It'd only been the second time I'd seen her, if I'm remebering right...'

Love at first sight, or in this case, second? Was she really that bad? She'd only seen that kind of thing in shoujo manga. She had gotten so dressed up for what was supposed to be a simple dinner date at her home, even Kurumi thought it was unusual. Then again, Kurumi thought alot of things she did was unusual.....

'And now...all of this...,' she thought. She glanced back down at the now scabbed over cuts on her hands. First she had attacked herself, now she had just blown up at Usagi for virtually no reason. 'I've practically lost all control of my emotions! Damnit, grandfather trained me to be better than this!'

"I need to slow down...I need to calm down...and I need to start thinking rationally again..." she says. "If I'm this bad at handling stress...than I'm really not worthy of being a senshi..."

[Halbarad]

Silence is Natsume's only reply - not even the chirping of crickets or the rustle of leaves in the garden below her answers. The stars above continue to shine down, casting a very faint luminescence over the balcony and the greenery in the courtyard below.

[Midnight Sun]

"I don't deserve to be up here, not with the way I've been acting," she decides. She looks up at the planet Earth hanging heavily in the sky above. "I should go back to Earth, and stay out of everyone's way..."

Usagi probably was not in the mood to see her again so soon, but she was her only method for returning to Earth...

[Halbarad]

Usagi doesn't look up as Natsume reenters the study, simply speaking to the other girl as she reads over a rather dusty tome, the title in some language incomprehensible to the dark-haired swordswoman.

"Is there something I can do for you?" Her tone is flat - not openly angry, but not friendly, either.

[Midnight Sun]

"I...want to return to Earth," Natsume says quietly.

[Halbarad]

The book closes with a gentle thump, the worn leather placed carefully back on the massive desk. Usagi looks up at Natsume, her expression neutral as she stands. "Are you ready now?"

[Midnight Sun]

"Yes," she answers in the same subdued tone, all the while with her head hung. She lacked the strength to even look Usagi in the eye.

[Halbarad]

Usagi walks around from behind the desk, coming to stand about a foot away from Natsume. She chants quietly, and a white glow spreads out from the blonde to encompass them both, and then... the briefest instant in which everything is pure white. The next impression Natsume has is of brightness - almost painfully bright. The two girls stand in an alleyway not too far from Natsume's dojo, the bright sun overhead reflecting off the snow on the ground to create a glare that's rather stark after the understated glow lighting the palace of the Moon Kingdom.

[Midnight Sun]

Natsume turns to walk out of the alleyway but stops herself before she can take a step.

"A simple 'I'm sorry' isn't enough to take back what I said up there, but I'll say it anyway. I'm sorry," Natsume says. "Reflecting upon my recent behavior, including today, has forced me to realize that I am do not possess the degree of control over my emotions that I have led myself to believe. In fact, it seems I'm quite weak in that particular area."

Was everything she had been feeling up 'till now a result of weakness? Was it sincere? Were they merely randomly shifting outbursts of emotion, or were they truly coming from her soul? Even her recent training seemed erratic.

"As a student of the Kusanagi Seijin Ryuu school, something like that cannot be abided. Because of this, I won't be returning to the moon. As I am now, I don't deserve to be by Ami's side," she continued. "When she gets better, and I'm sure she will, tell her that I need some time to find my center again. I'm not sure how long that will take, but let her know that I do so for the both our sakes."