Ragnar's Articles

[Ragnar]

I wrote this the same day that I wrote the 1st Wuxia article. You probably can't use it as it isn't journalism "In the game," but I thought it would be a waste to just let it rot in a dank corner of my hard drive. That said, unless I hear otherwise, I'm going to post all of my articles in this post so as not to waste space. After a while, I'll start a new post or something.

Wanna-Be Overlords

  Right now, two sections of the game Wanna-Be Overlords are up and running under Brian's command. One is the story of a troupe of demons under the command of Lady Madide, the other serving the great war General Tuck. The game takes place in a land of Demons after a great war.
  The group led by Tuck consists of Koriand'r (affectionately known as Kory), the shy Ihliel, and Aella. One or more of Tuck's minions, a spiky demon with a physical manifestation of Multiple-Personality Disorder, has introduced them and given an assignment. Currently, the trio is exploring the Fallen Pantry in search of a Bottle of the High Spirits. Armed with frying pans and a few knives, they are proceeding boldly.
  More advanced in plot is the second group, Barbatus, Seiz, and Kael. Barbatus is a skilled hunter, Seiz is a mage and tactician, and Kael is more bookish and scholarly. They are under the command of Lady Madide, a fashion-obsessed woman whose emotions change the color of her castle walls. Her main attendant is K'thosis, a large, purplish fellow in a tuxedo with an obsession with cleanliness. At the moment, the group has set off into the library to find an ancient tome. First, however, they'll have to combat hordes of ferocious, red-eyed dust bunnies bent on whatever it is dust bunnies think about.
  Originally, Brian was going to run the group under Madide, and Bjorn was in charge of Tuck's adventurers. After an absence, it has been decided that Brian will carry on both parts of the game.

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Notes: As I said before, probably not usable, like the 1st Wuxia article. Oh well.

[Ragnar]

Here's my new Wuxia article.

Guild of Assassins Disbanded

  Earlier today, the Emperor in his State of the Kingdom speech announced that the Night's Shadow, the infamous assassins' guild, has been abolished. The guild, which has been suspected for years of having had a hand in some of the city's most notorious assassinations, has long been under investigation by city officials.
  The Emperor promised a "...new era of peace," something that many citizens are hoping that he will live up to. The Emperor believes that one of the first steps on a road to a more peaceful tomorrow is to disband the assassins' guild. Many city residents have been trying to get the Emperor to push through legislation on the Night's Shadow, and statisticians expect the Emperor to rise quite nicely in the polls.
  The second-in-command of the Imperial Guard who (according to rumor) suggested the legislation to the emperor was unable to be reached for comment, as he was found dead this afternoon shortly after the speech. The other main advocate of disbandment of the group, Aziel Kimar, was similarly unavailable for comment, but we were told that Kimar "...would have been proud" by an intern in his office, who then looked around nervously and skittered away quietly.
  "I'm looking forwards to the next year," a bystander told us after the speech. "I have no doubt that the Emperor will make the best decisions for our kingdom." After his address, the Emperor retired to the palace to rest before his banquet tonight with his cabinet members, for tomorrow he's going to be back in the palace.

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Notes: I basically took Drac's advice and wrote about the Emperor's speech. That's about it. >_>

[Anastasia]

Looks pretty good. The second one should be quite usable.

[Ragnar]

I'm gonna be gone for about a week or so. I dunno if I'll get the chance to use the net or not while I'm away, but I'm uploading these articles in case you decide to do something while I'm away.

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Dust Bunny Hunter

  'Ello there, mate! Welcome to the show. Today, we've got special permission to go deep into the famed libraries of Lady Madide in search of that most remarkable of creatures, the dust bunny! This library, given as a wedding gift to Lady Madide, has fallen into considerable disuse and thereby become a veritable breeding ground for the little guys. Let's see what we can find.
  Look at this door. See these long marks on it? They're claw marks. Can you imagine a dust bunny that big? Crikey! Good thing I brought my feather duster; this might get messy. Anyway, let's go in, real quiet-like so we don't scare 'em.
  Okay. Let me take a look. ...Aha, found one. See that lump over there? Oooh, that's a big 'un, isn't she? What a beaut! Right now, you're looking at a wild dust bunny in its natural habitat. Feisty little beasts they are, too. Soon as you start neglecting a room with any dark space, whoom! They'll move right in. Usually dust bunnies start small, and they can get up to about seven feet tall, though there's unconfirmed reports of huge 'uns deep in the backs of huge libraries like this. Right, now let's see if we can't get a better look.
  Closer, closer... shhh, you've got to be very quiet. They react to the lightest sounds and senses. Let's see if we can-- oh,  she's awake! She's a beaut, isn't she? She's a female; you can tell by the markings. Wow, look at the eyes on 'er; bright red! And those jaws! Crikey! Lucky I've got my duster. Down, girl, down! C'mon, down! That's it. You just give 'em a tap on the nose, that's it. 'Course, I wouldn't try it on any ones much bigger than this 'un. That's it, good girl. Goodbye! Now that she's gone, I think we'd better get out of here. I don't want to be around if there are any bigger ones nearby. Make sure you lock that door tight!
  Well, that's the show. I'll be back next week, when we venture deep into the Carlsbad Closets looking for some more dust bunnies. If we're lucky, we might even see a dust devil or two! I'd better go; I've got some chicken on the Barbie.

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Notes: Not the most brilliant thing I've ever written, but what the heck.
I'm afraid I don't know too much about Australian accents, but I did my best.
This is, of course, an article relating to Wanna-Be Overlords.

[Ragnar]

This is the second one, and by far the sillier of the two (not that that's a bad thing.)

Interview with a Seasoned Member:
Bolverk

Today, we bring you an interview with a seasoned member of the board's chat channel, #soulriders. I had the chance to talk to Bolverk, and I wasn't disappointed. Mr. Bolverk has been attending the channel for many years now, although he was not inclined to say exactly how many, but his story is a very interesting one.
According to what he told me, Bolverk immigrated from what he though was Russia early in his life in search of "real syrup (he also mentioned that Russia wouldn't 'play him for the puzzle')." He later described one of his ambitions to be a breakfast covered in chocolate sauce.
"Bolverk," I asked him, "I'm detecting a trend here. First you left what you thought was Russia for what you thought was real syrup, and then you came to the community for breakfast in chocolate sauce?"
"Chocolate is a first."
Despite his quest for syrup and chocolate sauce, Bolverk seems not to do much gaming for someone in a gaming community like this. He told me that he not only hates his connection, but that he thinks most of the players of online games are "arrogant smartarses." However, when I asked him about any future plans for gaming, he did express a desire to "get right on that."
I didn't quite realize what I was getting into when I started the interview. After I told him I'd be back to ask him some more questions in a later session, he told me "You'll need to make it okay."
"Bolverk," I said, a little confused, "is that a threat?"
"Extra money for the purchasing of a threat," he quipped.
"Bolverk, I never expected you to be working for the mob." By this time I was getting a little wary, but I pressed on as an intrepid journalist must.
I asked him about his past experiences a little more, and he told me "...[it] was really odd... My keyboard stopped working for the mob."
Inquiring more, I learned that he worked in stealth technology. "You can make rms silent and invisible," he told me. I didn't know what "rms" were, but I decided it was probably time to change the subject before someone decided to "whack" me. Anyway, I decided to ask about his interests.
"Bolverk, if you could meet one person, who would it be?"
"Translate translate or translate into romaji."
"Neil Nadelman?" I asked.
"Oh, and I had previously realised how big this Neil Nadelman guy was," he told me.
"You must really like him."
Shifting the subject, I asked him, "do you have any funny stories to tell?"
It was the right question. He hinted at something that happened on his Daughter's graduation day. While I was unable to get specifics out of him, he said, "I know what that is, [don't] pull crap like Doraemon and Creamy Mami Ripoff."
"Ha ha! That's funny."
"Nah... If I wanted to know what else is funny? You're not even funny."
"I see. I'm sorry I don't amuse you."
"Though I don't amuse you."
"Oh no, you amuse me greatly." It was with the response to this sentence that I glimpsed a side of Bolverk I'm not sure I wanted to see.
"Yes, you can amuse yourself with the employees."
"Bolverk, I think that's illegal in most places. Anyway, what do you think of the channel?"
"You just think some of the channel I go into two boxes!"
"And what's in the boxes?"
"I took two boxes of viruses."
I thought I should move on before he started talking to me more about his viruses. I hate it when people talk to me about their problems. The rest of the conversation focused mainly on his life's philosophies.
"Morality changes based on fractured pluralism," he told me.
"Is that your basic belief in life?"
"Is life the same thing, actually." I have to admit that I was a little confused, but he continued. "She just checks the system so I doubt that your basic belief in the representation of data (inc. Numeric, ascii, bit masks and bit too much in my blog?"
I was a little taken aback by his assertion. "Bolverk, You think I believe in data?"
"Oh, believe it or have the data. This one has to be you."
We went on to talk about his lucrative past. "I never actually lost a duel," he informed me. When I asked further, he told me that his best friend was "the ringbearer at Gondor!"
I asked about his past jobs.
"Pfft.  You could've told me I have a job," he retorted.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know. Bolverk, where do you work?"
"I don't know... I should go to track them all, and I get the serial #'s don't always work."
I think perhaps this explains why he doesn't have one anymore.
At this point, I was pretty sure his medicine was starting to wear off. Either that, or he'd been seriously hitting the booze during the first part of the interview.
"Describe yourself," I told him.
"Vacuums are usually written by monkeys on LSD," he assured me. I asked him to be a little less vague. He told me Drac said the same thing.
"Bolverk, he was right," I assured him.
"Why does he want to play right now," he responded.
"I don't know." Actually, I was pretty lost.
"Dude thinks he's a designer."
"You sound like you're not fond of Drac."
"I'm pretty sure you dislike me."
"Bolverk, I don't dislike you."
I decided that I had better wrap up the interview at that point before he became completely delirious and paranoid.
"Do you have any words of wisdom?" I inquired.
"Wisdom comes from under the pillow, in the hopes of getting killed by it. He ended up looking like a bad license."
Right.
Sometime soon, everyone should stop by the channel and talk to Mr. Bolverk. I expect you'll find him enlightening and witty, unless he's been hitting the booze again. In that case, I'd advise you to run.

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Notes: It occured to me one day that I should try to hold an interview with Bolverk. Unfortunately, much of the conversation was complete nonsense, but everything in the article is quoted verbatim. I have the log if you really want it.

[Dracos]

The first one works, even if I don't like the crocodile hunter conceit.  The second one is fourth wall breaking, no go. =)

Dracos

[Ragnar]

hat kinda fourth wall are you talking about? It's either (1) don't talk to the reader or (2) don't break the wall of "the gaming world."

(1) People break the fourth wall a lot of the time in jounalism (particularly in humour articles, which is what this column is intended to be).

(2) How am I supposed to report on anything that happens in the chat rooms without breaking this? Or am I not supposed to talk about the chat rooms?

Sorry if you don't like the Croc Hunter idea, but as they say, "tough beans." ^_^

[Dracos]

Yeah.  Don't use the chatrooms.  You could editorialize it into a fantasy environment or something, but if three articles are about events in the world and the fourth about '#soulriders chat' it doesn't work.  It breaks the illusion.

Dracos

[Ragnar]

I suppose you won't mind if I publish it in Fizban, then?

[Dracos]

Not at all. =)

Dracos

[Ragnar]

New article #1.

New Travel Methods Planned
---SIXTON
   The recent lack of passengers and revenue from the city's bus service has lead government officials to look into new forms of public transportation. The city has turned to some of the leading scientists in the area for help on the project in return for funding from the public works budget. Several ideas have already been suggested, such as the "goat catapult" project lead by local professor Lloyd Neuman or the monorail proposed by the City Transit Department head, Rob Schaeffer.
  One scientist, Dr. Sergei Andonuts, has proposed travel by cannon, which he prefers to call "combustible relocation." His plans call for the passenger to step into the device and to be rocketed to the destination. "The great thing about the project is that it is completely dynamic," he told The Gazelle in an interview. "Trains and buses can only take you where there are tracks and bus stops, but with a cannon you can point it anywhere." Although some groups have expressed safety concerns, Andonuts assures that it will be perfectly safe, noting that "helmets will be mandatory."
  You can see the plans for Andonut's invention and those of other scientists at the Travel Expo booth in next month's City Fair.

[Ragnar]

Numer 2.

Theatre Review
The Ban-Ban Martial Arts Show
   Located in Xiang Yang market, the Ban-Ban Martial Arts show is directed by rising actress Bing-Gan. Although promised "Thrills, Adventures, and Laughs," the performance hardly lived up to its promise.
 The first deterrent was the discovery that not only did the performance star Mrs. Bing-Gan, she was in fact the only performer involved in the endeavor. Furthermore, the lead character, "Ban-Ban," turned out to be from the "Hanes" clan; as you might imagine, kung-fu is somewhat less enthralling when performed by a sock puppet. The acting itself was mediocre, and the dialog consisted mainly of a series of "hee-ya!"s conducted in falsetto. I would advise all sane theater-goers to stay far, far away from this enterprise.