[Ukyo vs. Ukyo/short/random] The Field of Cookery and Strife

[SabreMau]

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of Ranma 1/2, including Ukyo Kuonji, are owned by Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video. Ukyo Tachibana is a character from Samurai Shodown, originally created by SNK. Mister Q, aka Kyuusaku Natsume, is from All-Purpose Cultural Catgirl Nuku Nuku and related series. The Cow of Peace is borne of too much hot chocolate. The events and persons in this fanfic are completely fictional and any resemblance to actual events or persons is completely unintentional, and the author is not responsible for any injury, trauma, or other detrimental condition resulting from proper or improper use of this fan fiction. Based upon an inspirational line by Rakhal Stormwarden.

--

The Field of Cookery and Strife.
by DannyCat
inspired by Rakhal

--

 Two words. That's all the kickstart needed for an epic war. What are these words, you may ask?

 Rampaging Corn.

 In a world where laughter was king, Rakhal said, "This is what happened when Ranma surreptitiously tossed out a pot of Akane's cooking in a local corn field..."

  Lightning, hail, and deflected field goal attempts all crashed into this cornfield, which became known in local circles as the Field of Cookery and Strife. A huge crater formed, and in this crater, two worthy opponents faced off. Ukyo Kuonji and Ukyo Tachibana.

  Kuonji shouts, "I have not yet begun to marinate!"  

  Tachibana retorts, "I shall broil your restaurant in a glass of Yoo-Hoo." And the two whip out their chosen dueling weapons: pies.

  The battle is joined, and much popcorn was sold to spectators. They fought that way for three hundred years, when arose from the east a Cow. A Cow of Peace. This Cow flew upon golden clouds, each containing the brilliance of tennis shoes and their Golden Flaky Crust.

  As the Cow floated into view, shouting, "Stop! What you do is wrong! Why do you do this thing?", a terrible omen appeared and prevented the message of Peace from being spread.

  "LAAAAAND ROVER ATTAAAAAAACK!!"

  Mister Q flew his vehicle straight into the Cow of Peace, and they annihilated each other, creating a sky-shattering explosion of cream cheese and boiled mushrooms. It splattered over all present, and they fled to the mountains to hide in caves and escape the wrath to come.

  The next day, they did it all over again, but with Walkmans.

  Unfortunately, due to overindulgence on the "Tell, Not Show" concept, as well as severe collateral damage on the Fourth Wall, they decided not to repeat the events any additional times afterward.

  Nodoka Saotome, in accordance with the prophecy, got on the planetary PA system and scolded her son. "Ranma, your lesson had better be learned! Stay AWAY from corn fields!"

  The end.

[Jeram]

Um, huh?

-J

Well, actually.

Yes.

That's not corn I'm looking at!
ZING!

[Edward]

It seems somehow appropriate that I read the last words of Dutch Schultz just before I read this.

http://www.bway.net/~abbot/gunshot.html

[SabreMau]

Ooh, Dutch Schultz sounded fun. On the other hand, he had more than 90 seconds to come up with his story....