[Ranma][Humor] Category Five

[Liddo-kun]

I'm posting it here for kicks and to prevent Baby Jesu-- er, Dracos from crying.  That and I have a distinct lack of juggling monkies.

This is still a rough draft.

++++++++++++

It was a lazy summer afternoon.  It was a Saturday-- No, it
was definitely a Sunday since Akane wasn't home yet, having
spent the previous night at Yuka's house.

Yes, a Sunday.  That's when it all started.

What started, you might be wondering.  And the answer to
that would be revealed with a roof-shattering...

B A N G!!

Splintered wood, pots, pans, ceramic tiles, plastic, and
martial artists were sent flying high into the air.

How very typical of a day in Nerima.

Or so you'd think.

Let us explore how said event unfolded, shall we?

------------
Category Five

By Rai-kun

Disclaimer: The characters and setting of Ranma 1/2 belong
to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.
------------

Kasumi Tendo was the oldest of three sisters and cherished
daughter of Soun Tendo - local martial arts master,
crybaby, and purported thumb sucker.  Dressed in a pink
apron, adorned with a pair of yellow baby chicks, she was
deep in thought as she surveyed the splendor of her
culinary kingdom.

Kasumi stared.  She stared hard.  It was the kind of look
that you tended to reserve for situations where you've hit
the guardrail known as normality then plowed headlong into
the cinder block known as weird.  I mean, really, what is
an appropriate response and reaction when you're faced with
an orange and green colored glorp?

Kasumi was sure that wasn't even a word, but it SEEMED to
properly describe what was bubbling merrily in the cast
iron pot on her stove.

Her eyes trailed across the scorched plain of her counter
top to settle on the odd gathering of an empty jar of
mayonnaise, a can of pickled duck eggs, a carton of orange
juice, a spent squeeze tube of hot mustard, the wrappers
from three sticks of butter, and an open container of hot
cocoa mix.

It seemed to be the remnants of a cult gathering of some
black magic sort.  Or another blind stab at recreating
Woodstock, it was awfully hard to tell them apart.

Kasumi handled the situation like a professional, simply
wearing her ever-present smile.  A boiled duck egg floated
to the surface with a clod of spinach on top, looking as
thought it was raising an eyebrow at her in challenge - it
was daring her to do something.

She wanted to be able to bat at the grabby appendages and
admonish it sternly, but when you've already lost your
wooden spoon, metal ladle, and a rolling pin to the depths
of its foul brine, want has a tendency to diminish in favor
of self-preservation.

That it proved stubbornly adept at wielding a spatula in
self-defense played only a small, insignificant part in her
decision.

Really.

Kasumi tied a white kerchief tight over the top of her head
then snapped on a pair of elbow length, black rubber
gloves.  She wore an eerie, neutral expression as she
turned on the garbage disposal.  This was going to be very
messy, she knew, but ultimately necessary.  Kasumi snatched
the butcher knife from the cutting board and approached the
pot.  She wasn't going to purloin any pleasure in this
task.

A noodly appendage snaked out and snared a nearby dish of
tofu and some jalapenos.  Kasumi's left eye twitched
noticeably and she revised her earlier opinion.  A silly
dance was now on menu once this was done with.

The glorp - as if picking up on the shift in Kasumi's
thoughts from pink bunnies, love, and lollipops - shook
spastically in the pot as she neared.  This had the effect
of making the girl wonder if it was merely hardening after
consuming that last strawberry jello packet or because it
was turning into some kind of mutant taffy.

Perhaps it even knew instinctively that its end was near?

Kasumi chuckled at her own silly musing as she lopped off a
wiggling linguini tentacle with a deft cleaving of her
knife.

------------

Ranma Saotome was an easily recognized figure by many in
the Nerima area.  From his distinctive smoke blue eyes to
his trademark pigtail and Chinese garb that he always
seemed to favor.  What really set him apart from the
average ho-hum everybody was this unseen, but well
recognized, field of absolute weirdness that followed him
dutifully and nipped at his heels.

As it was right now, for example.

In the middle of a fairly busy street, the young man found
himself engaged in an animated discussion with a giant
panda bear that had a thrashing burlap sack slung over its
shoulder.

Back and forth they went, like hot stock market traders.  
Barbed remarks seemed to be selling at a two for one price
for every incensed flashing of wooden signs.  That they
were covered with calligraphic scrawling that teetered on
the edge of being a work of abstract art might have had a
hand in stilting the exchange rate.

Serving a second function, as a blunt instrument, didn't
hurt either as the panda swatted the boy.

Ranma rubbed his head, while glaring at the towering, fuzzy
throw rug.  "If you stopped swatting me with that damn
thing, I might be able to read it, you fat fool!"

'Oh, woe is me.  I've raised an illiterate, ingrate with no
respect for his father.  Where did I fail, Nodoka?  Where?'
it read after a quick twirl.

Ranma kicked him in the knee, dropping him like a cut tree
that'd make any lumberjack proud.  He winced in sympathy
though when he saw that the once thrashing bundle was now
pinned, unmoving, beneath the girth of hairy panda
buttocks.

"Look, Pop," Ranma reasoned, trying hard to ignore the
pitiful groans from the bag.  "Just cut the bull and tell
me why you got old man Tendo in the sack."

'I'd never betray your mother like that!' the panda
informed him with the furious waving of his sign.

Ranma smacked a palm against his face.  "Are you TRYING to
piss me off?" he asked in a mirthless tone.

The shifty panda held up another sign for his boy.

"'It's because I'm his friend that I do this!'" Ranma read
aloud with an arched brow.  "'His evil must be stopped!  
It's for the good of the world!'"

"Laying it on thick, aren't you?" Ranma asked.

'You'd think that, but that's why you're still the stupid
student and I the wizened master.'

Ranma snorted.

'Let me tell you this then.  Where do you think dear Akane
got her cooking skills from, eh?'

"What are you trying to say?" Ranma asked.  A fearful chord
was plucked in his tone.  "Now look here, are you trying to
say--"

A sign was thrust into Ranma's face with the words: 'Oh
yes.'  The chubby panda's menacing grin became smug as
unwanted realization flashed in the eyes of his kin.

Tendo Soun was the original Kitchen Destroyer.

------------

Cat-Fight (noun)

1. A fight between or among cats.
2. Informal.  A vociferous dispute.
3. Daily get together between Ranma's "friends".

------------

There was a small gathering just outside the walls of the
Tendo family compound.  Two girls and a lone boy talked
heatedly between each other.

"I can't believe you tried to get Ranchan with another one
of your wacky weeds!" Ukyo Kuonji admonished, with trace
hints of jealousy at not boasting the same arsenal in her
weapon closet.

"Is not 'weed'," A statuesque girl with lavender hair
commented with an annoyed toss of her hair.  "But would
work if stupid Pig Boy not get in way," she punctuated her
statement with a sharp glare to her right.

Said "Pig Boy", or Ryoga Hibiki as he preferred when in the
right state of mind, didn't respond to the verbal jab in
the least bit.  Far too absorbed was he in immaculately
setting in order his wild bangs as he adjusted a makeshift
bowtie made from one his striped bandanas.

That he was admiring the efforts of his impromptu fashion
makeover by staring into the flat of Ukyo's battle spatula
spoke volumes of the dread power of the Amazon herbal
practices.

"What DID that drink do anyway?" Ukyo asked, staring as the
fanged boy winked and blew kisses at his own distorted
reflection.

"Is 'Casanova Win You Over' potion with ginseng for healthy
body," Shampoo told her as a matter of fact.

"The hell is that supposed to do?" Ukyo dubiously asked.  
The name on some of the concoctions... I mean, honestly.  
It's like they pull these things out of a hat.

Shampoo snapped her finger and a deep shudder shot through
the directionally challenged boy.  Stiffly at first, but
becoming more relaxed with every movement, Ryoga posed,
twirled, and strutted through a rough rendition of Saturday
Night Fever.  Though he did bear a more striking
resemblance to a zombie backup dancer from Thriller
instead.

Ukyo choked at the sight then couldn't stop herself from
laughing out loud with little shame or reservation.  She
chortled then guffawed until she was red in the face and
had to lean on the wall to keep from falling over.

"What so funny?" Shampoo asked the raven-haired girl with
true puzzlement playing across her face.  "Is dance of
manly man.  Can even make him sing too if want."

Ukyo wiped tears of laughter from her eyes as she
straightened and composed herself.  "I'm sorry, sugar, but
I can't let you make Ranchan look that stupid.  Even if it
did serve that jackass right for ignoring me the last few
days."

"You think is stupid?" Shampoo replied aghast.  "I think
you is stupid, Pie Girl."

"I don't make pies, Noodle Wench, but I'll gladly show you
how they're different while I cram it down your throat,"
Ukyo offered with a saccharine smile.

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, it's
amore~!" Ryoga crooned.

"SHUT UP!" Shampoo and Ukyo hissed venomously in chorus.

The two women met glares then bared their claws - bonbori
and giant spatula glinting ominously.

------------

"But how can there be more than one?" Ranma asked his
father incredulously.

Ranma had to squint as Genma's handwriting became more
illegible with trying to keep his sack from squirming.  
"Great evil always come in pairs, Boy.  A master and its
apprentice, though never more than that," he slowly read
out.

For once, Saotome father and son were in total agreement as
they were both thankful for the last fact.  The bundle
seemed to have issues with the continued slight against his
cooking proficiency.

"So you're telling me," Ranma went slowly, to make sure he
had all the details, "that Mister Tendo TAUGHT Akane how to
cook like a dyslexic, one-armed, color blind, kitchen
gorilla with no patience?"

Genma nodded.

"On purpose?"

The pig-tailed boy would have to look at Soun in a new
light depending on how his father answered.

'Evil knows no bounds.'

"Think we can let him out the sack, Pop?" Ranma asked his
fuzzy father.  On getting a quirked brow in response, "I
got some questions for him, is all."

------------

Kasumi finally managed to upend the pot and send the
wriggly noodle critter into the sink with old-fashioned
elbow grease, stubborn determination, and sharp scissors.  
The way it kept nervously eyeing her blowtorch probably had
a helping hand as well.  The sheer usefulness of having a
blowtorch in a kitchen was innumerable.  It was perfect for
fancy touches on a creme brulee, but was also good for
lighting cigarettes.  Why, the happy smile her father wore
on seeing the five-inch long blue flame kick on made it all
worth it.

"Now what?" Kasumi asked herself, staring at the situation
on hand.

A spider web of linguini was wrapped around the faucet and
its gooey cheddar cheese center was holding fast to the
sink like a suction cup.  It resisted pushing and pulling
so far like a petulant child and it did something to her
scissors as they refused to open now.

She crossed her arms across her chest in consternation,
giving the concoction a frown.  It seemed to shrink in on
itself at the look of disproval, but its self-preservation
instinct wouldn't be browbeat into submission so easily.

Kasumi rolled her neck, feeling the tension in her
shoulders, and her eyes fell upon the blowtorch.  As if
following her gaze a pair of matzo balls shrank back in
horror and the glazed Swedish meatballs attempted to give
her the best puppy dog look it could manage.

Being made of sterner stuff, the oldest Tendo daughter took
the canister in hand.  The loud clicks from the starter
trying to generate a spark was followed by the 'whoosh' as
the blue and yellow flame kicked on.  Kasumi adjusted the
knob on the side of the device and the flame focused to a
fine, azure tip.

If the foodstuff had vocal cords it would've shrieked.  For
when Kasumi turned, the light of the blowtorch made grimmer
the stony expression she wore.  She sported tinted goggles
that shielded and hid her eyes from the quivering mass.

------------

"Olive oil, fish oil, peanut oil, corn oil... and I think
that's it," Soun finished.

It was an odd sight - a panda sitting unsteadily on its
haunches, next to a pigtailed youth who squatted
attentively, in front of a potato sack with the head of a
mustachioed man poking out.

"Ugh!  That's just disgusting!" the youth exclaimed,
distancing himself from the man he thought he knew so well.  
Soun simply blinked uncomprehendingly at him.

'Was it the part about the fish head stewing in the cheddar
cheese, licorice, chunky peanut butter, and banana base?'
the erratic scrawling of the sickly panda asked.

"No," Ranma replied, "It's the whole idea of mixing mustard
and ketchup on a hot dog.  It's just unnatural."

Genma would've swatted him with a sign if the mention of
the hot dog hadn't brought back his training buddies'
brilliant notion of mixing mayonnaise, oysters, cinnamon,
and chocolate syrup as a "flavorful sauce".  His stomach
lurched and he made gagging noises.

"But we have to get back, " Soun pleaded with his future
son-in-law.

Ranma ignored his father's intestinal discomforts as he
looked at Soun.  "Yeah?  Why's that?"

"Because I have to finish my dish," the man said, in a
matter of fact tone.  "The chance to surprise my little
girls with my skills that I honed during ten years on the
road training in the art.  'Soun Tendo's Famous Flambe' is
the stuff of legend!"

'More like "infamous",' Genma's sign corrected.  You could
feel the sourness in the words, which coincidentally,
reflected the state of his gut.

Ranma had an uneasy look.  "Flambe?  As in fire?"

"Yes, actually," Soun replied.

Genma and Ranma shared a look before a loud boom seemingly
rocked the entire district.

------------

Author's Note: This is merely the prologue.  We have a
while to go before the true storm begins!

[Dracos]

Yay... and hey, I don't cry =P

Really weird opener.  Kasumi versus weird mutant food glorp?

Ah, I see the theme now.  :D

Good stuff.  Scene with Ryoga was amusing, though not as good as the dry toned 'Soun Tendo, the original Kitchen Destroyer'.

A while to go before the full story begins?  Meaty teaser. =) Only problem with it is it doesn't seem to hint at a longer story, instead feeling very oneshottish.  That said, I'd keep reading.

Dracos

[thepanda]

A noodly appendage

I see what you did there. ^^

[Liddo-kun]

A noodly appendage

I see what you did there. ^^

Do tell, Panda-boi.  What do you think I did there?  ^_^

[Liddo-kun]

Yay... and hey, I don't cry =P

[12:06:09] <Dracos> ;_;

Uh huh.  Moving right along....

<_<

>_>

Really weird opener.  Kasumi versus weird mutant food glorp?

Yes, because mutant food stuff need luv too.

Ah, I see the theme now.  :D

Are you touched by His noodly appendage... Brother?

Good stuff.  Scene with Ryoga was amusing, though not as good as the dry toned 'Soun Tendo, the original Kitchen Destroyer'.

Excellent.

A while to go before the full story begins?  Meaty teaser. =) Only problem with it is it doesn't seem to hint at a longer story, instead feeling very oneshottish.  That said, I'd keep reading.

The "true storm" actually.  And there is more to the story.  I mean, we haven't even hit Category 1 yet.

^_^

[thepanda]

A noodly appendage

I see what you did there. ^^

Do tell, Panda-boi.  What do you think I did there?  ^_^

FSM for the win? ~_^

Edit: Wait a minute... does that make Happosai the midget?

[Liddo-kun]

FSM for the win? ~_^

Edit: Wait a minute... does that make Happosai the midget?

Rawr and damnations!  Have I not mentioned before that I utterly suck at abbreviations and acronyms?  -_-;;;

FSM... Five Star Monkies?  Furiously Stoned Midgets??  Flashing Some Manbits???

*stabs the panda*

[Brian]

FSM is the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

[DB]

% Liddo-kun wrote:

What started, you might be wondering.  And the answer to
that would be revealed with a roof-shattering...

B A N G!!

% One way to catch the audiance's attention.

----------

Kasumi Tendo was the oldest of three sisters and cherished
daughter of Soun Tendo - local martial arts master,
crybaby, and purported thumb sucker.  Dressed in a pink
apron, adorned with a pair of yellow baby chicks,

% And nothing else? How kinky.

the cinder block known as weird.  I mean, really, what is
an appropriate response and reaction when you're faced with
an orange and green colored glorp?

% Add ketchup. YOu can always add ketchup.


Kasumi handled the situation like a professional, simply
wearing her ever-present smile.  A boiled duck egg floated
to the surface with a clod of spinach on top, looking as
thought it was raising an eyebrow at her in challenge - it
was daring her to do something.

% Heh.

She wanted to be able to bat

% recommend 'wanted to bat'


That it proved stubbornly adept at wielding a spatula in
self-defense played only a small, insignificant part in her
decision.

% I'm going to be disappointed if it's another 'Akane's cooking goes wild' thing, but I doubt if it is. It seems to blatent.

"Look, Pop," Ranma reasoned, trying hard to ignore the
pitiful groans from the bag.  "Just cut the bull and tell
me why you got old man Tendo in the sack."

'I'd never betray your mother like that!'

* Ugh. Just, ugh.

'Let me tell you this then.  Where do you think dear Akane
got her cooking skills from, eh?'

% Ranma: Straight from Hell, I assumed.


Tendo Soun was the original Kitchen Destroyer.

% Hmm. Okay, but there needs to be a little more to it than that.

% The whole Shampoo/Ukyou Ryouga thing seemed pointless. Unless it ties in to things later on.
------------

"But how can there be more than one?" Ranma asked his
father incredulously.

% Cloning.

Ranma had to squint as Genma's handwriting became more
illegible with trying to keep his sack from squirming.  
"Great evil always come in pairs,

% "No, it's threes they come in," Gendou Ikari said, suddenly appearing as if from nowhere.


"No," Ranma replied, "It's the whole idea of mixing mustard
and ketchup on a hot dog.  It's just unnatural."

% WAit until you hear the one about the relish ending up on top.


Author's Note: This is merely the prologue.  We have a
while to go before the true storm begins![/quote]

% HAte to say it, but aside from Soun being the Kitchen Destroyer, this feels way too much like a standard Akane KD story with a name change. It took too long to develop the punchline, and the delivery didn't really work for me. Sorry I can't be more upbeat, but that was my reaction.

DB Sommer

[Liddo-kun]

% HAte to say it, but aside from Soun being the Kitchen Destroyer, this feels way too much like a standard Akane KD story with a name change. It took too long to develop the punchline, and the delivery didn't really work for me. Sorry I can't be more upbeat, but that was my reaction.
DB Sommer

Well, the story isn't a "kitchen destroyer" piece, as you put it.  Hm, and I wasn't aware I was trying to put together a punchline since I was merely showing the events that occured on a particular day, which triggers a series of related/unrelated events in the subsequent chapters that follow.  Perhaps that's why it fell so flat?

If there was a failure in delivering the humor it's probably a failure on my part and a reflection of my need to put in more practice.  Or simply a matter of differing tastes and expectations?

Regardless, I'll simply continue hobbling along and see what comes from my efforts.  Even if I couldn't please you with the quality of the piece, here's to hoping future works of mine won't leave you and others with such a dissapointing aftertaste.

[Dracos]

Liddo,

I think one thing you probably should notice to work on (probably after chapter 2) is making the end of chapter one feel like it's going to be leading into another chapter rather than a oneshot.  That way folks don't read it and go 'huh, but this doesn't work by itself enough'.

Anyhow, I wait for chapter two, plush one.  Deliver, or  face Merc's mercurial wrath!

=P

Dracos