[Ranma/MultiCross] Ranmonic - Prologue

[Hawk]

Brief summary: Ranma starts having terrible visions of a destroyed world, where the sky is blood red, the sun is white, and Earth is in ruin. To make matters worse, strange lines are spreading over his body and he's unconsciously acting meaner. This is the story of the end of the world, and Ranma's role in it.

I'm not revealing the crossover mangas/animes yet, they'll be revealed as the story progresses.

[Dracos]

Late  better than never?

   'This isn't how it happened,' Ranma thought,'Why aren't
they attacking? They should be all over me! What's going on?!'

This reads like a fanfiction author talking and not a, presumedly, scared child surrounded by beings that have been torturing him.  Even if in a post-death calm, the manner of thought is off.  Folks being bullied don't go "What's going on?  Why aren't I being hit?" as much as "w-where's the first blow going to come from now?"  Either way, a place to shore up the dialogue a bit.  Seize the reader's empathy or belief of the character.  The calmness in the environment doesn't do it well.

clear that the beast was the one talking."I am a demon. A very
powerful demon. . . I sensed your soul's struggle to survive and I .
. . am . . . impressed."

   "What. . . what d-does that m-mean?" Ranma asked,
suddenly feeling exhausted.

   "I plan to take your soul to hell," the large feline replied,
and spared a glance at the cats surrounding the two, it's cat mouth
baring his fangs as if grinning.

I'd say too much pause.  The extra ... is excessive.  I'd also say that the end of the scene needs a bit more flare.  It's too calm.


The kasumi aura thing...feels sort of weird.  Especially Ranma's reaction to it.  He constantly meets increasingly exotically powered beings in the series.  He'd be the last one to give a DBZ'ish "NO WAY, TOO STRONG!"  I think such an aura battle can be conducted while being a bit truer to a sense of character.

You also have Kasumi basically read and respond to his thoughts.  You try and excuse it, butit's probably not necessary for the scene and doesn't contribute well to the effect.

Dracos
Gets sleepy