All We Know of Heaven (cause Drac told me to put it here)

[p_hibiki]

oh well tired and i just want to go get food so here is

[Dracos]

Drac's as he reads thoughts on the fic...

It's so relieving these days to see a good disclaimer starting a fic.

Okay...  Make Sense Meter Tingling.  The part with the Hibiki's is cute... unrealistic in any way, but cute....  but right after that...  where you note about the 'art'...well, that makes no sense.  It's as if assuming that only Ranma and Ryouga practice the art.  And why does Ranma, at this point, give a shit about it anyhow?  He's coming across as literally burned out beyond any sensible acknowledgement of 'wanting to exist'.

Well...  it's an...interesting prologue...I guess.  Will have to see you go further before I make any resounding judgments on the fic.  Just needs more flesh and bones all around it.

Fearless Leader

[Anastasia]

I'm probably not going to need to make as many comments on this piece as I did on the last one, so I'll just mix the grammar and story comments into one big lump.

*Agrees with Dracos*

Yeah, a good disclaimer is a rare beast these days, it's damn good to see this fic with one.

Oh I can imagine a million different ways of doing it.  

I'd add a comma right after oh.  Myself, I tend to pause when I start a sentence with it, ie...

Oh, I don't know about that...

Oh, woe is me....

Razors down the forearm are the one I think of most often though.

I'd drop the though off entirely and let the sentence stand without it.

I can't of course which is something that makes me want to cry.

I'm not big on how the first part of the sentence flows.  I'd drop the of course or rewrite the sentence.

I can't, which is something that makes me want to cry.

or

Of course, I can't.  Every time I think about it, it makes me want to cry.

I can grab the razor.  I can hold it to my skin.  I can press until I am just this side of drawing blood.  And then my arm locks up and I can't go any further.

A formatting suggestion, if you will.  I like how you have this bit broken up into small sentences, but I think it would work better if you used ...'s instead of just periods, like so.

I can grab the razor....I can hold it to my skin....I can press until I am just this side of drawing blood....And then my arm locks up and I can't go any further.

To me, this stretches out the scene and adds a bit of tenseness, IMO.  If you do use this idea, I'd edit the third sentence to eliminate the I at the start of it.

Actually that's a lie.

I'd add a comma after actually.

Hmm, Ranma's advanced skills prevent him from commiting suicide?  Heh, I like the irony of that.

Whatever keeps me alive seems to know what actions would cause my intentional death.

Hm.

I really dislike how intentionally fits in that sentence.  I'd definitly recommend revising that slightly, but I'm not sure how you should go about it. Does anyone else have a suggestion?

I can open a vein to start an emergency transfusion, but I when it gets to the point where it's dangerous my hand flashes out and stops the bleeding without my willing it.

Delete I.  It looks like a grammatical error, really.

I've fought enemy after enemy, hoping and praying that one of them will be manage to kill me, but those same reflexes that prevent suicide force me to fight my absolute best so as not to let that happen.  

Will be manage?  Naw.  How about this instead? <Below>

I'd recommend adding an at between fight and my.

I've fought enemy after enemy, hoping and praying that one of them will manage to kill me, but those same reflexes that prevent suicide force me to fight at my absolute best so as not to let that happen.

Now I admit to it when I'm drunk in the hopes that someone would take it as a challenge and finish me off.  

I'd use will instead of would there.

I worked unsuited in the most hazardous area day and night for a week straight with no food or rest.

I think without would work slightly better than with no.

They'd cured the damn thing almost as soon as I passed out and some idiot pointed out my hard work and inoculated me against it as soon as they could.  [/b]

I'd advise against using and twice in the same sentence if possible.  How about this instead?

They'd cured the damn thing almost as soon as I passed out and some idiot pointed out my hard work, so I was inoculated almost immediatly.

Or, you could try breaking them up into two sentences.

They'd cured the damn thing almost as soon as I passed out.  Some idiot pointed out my hard work, so they inoculated me quickly.

*Gets an image of Chibi Ranma Chan trying to shove a shiny, shiny medal up a general's ass.*

I rather like that turn of phrase, I could see Ranma doing that.

I haven't bothered to change my name because frankly I don't give a shit if anyone finds out about my unusually long life.  

I'd recommend I frankly instead of frankly I.

I'm editing in the C and C as I read the fic, but I'll have it done today, I think...Boy, I should really know better by now.  -_-.  Bad me!

[Anastasia]

I won't let them take me alive though.  

I'd consider a comma after alive.

That's what's so disgusting about it all.  The longer I'm
alive the less likely it is that I'll croak.  

Hm, I'd consider reworking these two sentences, perhaps something like this.

That's what's so disgusting about it, the longer I'm alive, the less likely it is that I'll croak.

And that may need a semicolon, but I'm terrible with those, so I won't chance it.  If you do go with something like that, check and see.

Not breathing that is.  

I don't care for how that little quasi sentence is hanging by itself, maybe you should add to it or attach it to another sentence?

Hmm, question.  If he doesn't need to breathe, how could that inescapable room full of gas be a problem?  If is aura or whatever is able to control his body to keep himself alive, wouldn't it just make him stop breathing and keep his mouth shut?

Didn't even feel lightheaded.  Only stopped cause some kid saw me doing and looked like he was going to pass out copying me.

I'd add an I to the front of at least one of those sentences, if not both.  I understand that you seem to be going for a certain realistic, fragmented speech/though pattern for the writing, but I feel that goes a bit too far in that direction.

Hm.

If you want to kill Akane that's your own business, but I'd recommend using something besides a steel pipe.  The NWC shows a remarkable toughness to blunt weapontry, and I'm having some severe problems buying that a steel pipe beatdown would do in Akane.  A cutting weapon or a gun could do it, but I don't think a pipe could.  

Oh, and...

*Awards P Hibiki an Akane Frag.  Good work!*

Probably never knew what hit her.  

I'd add a she in front of probably.

After that everything just started to go down hill.  Life was pretty shitty at that point.  

That just begs for more detail than you gave.  Fill it out a bit, that is more worthy of 5 paragraphs rather than the 5 words you spent on it.

You go on to say that he doesn't remember anything about it, but at least fill in some details about what happened right afterwards, and some fragments to hint at what really happened would be a welcome addition.

Dunefar's opinion corner: My personal, non professional opinions on what I'm reading from a reader's point of view.

I tend to dislike the idea of Ranma totally losing it after Akane's(Or any character's, but she's the usual fatality which triggers it) death without a lot of work put into it.  Otherwise, it just reeks to me as cliched crap.  Now, the element that you are using is the idea that Ranma doesn't really remember what happened due to grief/angst/The West Coast Offense/whatever.  While I'll accept it as the premise you set, I don't like it.  At the very least, some details or fragmented memories giving us a glimpse into what happened are needed.  As it is, this feels to me like a cheap plot device that is just used to get the rest of the Ranma cast out of the picture.

Life was pretty shitty at that point.  I don't really
know what happened to everyone else because I was pretty messed up.  

I'd combine those two sentences, perhaps something like this.

Also, I'd change one of the pretty's, you used it in two straight sentences.

Life was pretty shitty at that point and I lost track of everyone during it because I was so messed up.

To be done today or tomorrow, depending if I can get a computer at school to run Soulriders.  *Shrugs*

The Nekohaten was closed, looked like it had
been for weeks.  So was Ucchan's. [/b]

I'd add that last bit to the first sentence, like so.

The Nekohaten was closed and it looked like it had been for weeks, as did Ucchan's.

POINTLESS EDIT 10 or RANDOM INSANITY

I am now convinced that Soulriders crashed just to ruin the day I meant to finish this on.  

Really.  Or not.  Hell, I dunno.

[Anastasia]

No one would tell me what had happened to everyone.  Was really weird.[/b]  

I'd ad a it to the beginning of that sentence.

It was really weird.

Hm.

The bit about Ranma trying to kill himself at Akane's grave feels rather unsupported in the story.  He comes out of some great, undescribed depression and goes to Akane's grave with a tanto to do what he feels needs to be done?  It might work, but not with the minimal base you've given it thus far.  It needs supporting material.

Couldn't do it of course.

I'd rework that sentence some, to along these lines.

Of course, I couldn't do it.

That's when I knew.  

I find this to be a bit weak by itself.  I'm assuming that you are implying that he understood that he couldn't kill himself now.  Perhaps this would work better?

That's when I knew.....that I couldn't die.

Okay....

First, I'd like to know when in the canon with diverges.  Is it a post canon fic, or does it start earlier than that?  You mention Ryouga and Akari, so it can be assumed that it at least reached her first apperance.  Beyond that, it's blank.  Either note at the very beginning on where the fic starts, or work it into the fic?

Only people I know about are Ryoga and Akari.  

I'd add a the to the start of that sentence.

The only people I know about are Ryouga and Akari.

They got married before Akane died.  

Okay, I suppose you can get that this is post V38 from that statement, perhaps a good deal post V38.

Akari died in her eighties, and Ryoga followed her
after getting his affairs in order.  

Hm, are you hinting that Ryouga commited suicide after Akari died, or did he die of a broken heart?

I wasn't there of course.  

You have used of course a good deal thoughout this fic, maybe you should try another word or phrase?  How about combining this sentence with the next one to eliminate the problem?

I wasn't there, one of his great-grandsons told me.  

Seems their sense of direction's gotten much better over time.  So good that they've got the fastest transgalactic shipping service available.  

Eh, how about something along these lines instead?

It seems that their sense of direction has improved over time.  Now, they've got the fastest transgalactic shipping service available.

It's said that if you want to know how to get somewhere as quick as possible you can search the galaxy, find a Hibiki, and still make it there quicker than if you'd tried to do it yourself.  

I'd recommend quickly instead of quick.

Still it's kind of good knowing that I have family of a sort out there in the galaxy.

I'd recommend adding a comma after still.

They still practice the Art too, which means that if I ever manage to kick the bloody bucket, that the Art won't die off with me.  

As you used still in the previous sentence, I'd consider another word for still.

Have the martial arts died off except for Ranma and the Hibiki's?  That's what you've made it sound like.

It seems they're at a heightened state of security right now.

You used now in the last sentence...I'd consider something more like this.

It seems that they are currently at a heightened state of security.

HeckI don't even carry a backpack anymore.

I'd add a comma after heck.

I'm guessing though that it was the sudden charging of the security forces' pulse weapons that got his attention.  

I'd edit though out entirely.

Suddenly looking around me I find that I have more space than I've had in the twenty days it took for us to reach the Kantars System from Magnizard IV.  

I'd use a comma to connect that to the rest of that sentence.

Suddenly looking around me, I find that I have more space than I've had in the twenty days it took for us to reach the Kantars System from Magnizard IV.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to place your appendages behind wherever your central nervous system is located, and remain still.

BWAHAHAHAHA!

Now that is a good line...The comment about appendages behind your central nervous system is priceless.  Good one.

"Well, sonny boy, I don't think you've enough men to stop me from doing whatever I want."  

Hm, I think you are missing a connecting word there.

Well, sonny boy, I don't think you've got enough men to stop me from doing whatever I want.

I mean here I am looking to be twenty at the most, calling him a child when he looks to be almost forty, though he's undoubtedly older than that with whatever extend treatments he's had.  

I'm guessing that you mean extending life treatments?  At any rate, I'd consider adding something to extend to make it more clear.

Well it wasn't a bad plan and it might have worked if this girl wasn't running down the hall screaming her head off.  

I'd recommend a comma after well.

She's not very old, well compared to me no one is, around twenty or so with a pale blue shade of hair, something that's become more common since man's started to live in space and on other planets.

Honestly, I really don't like how this bit of the writing goes.  Maybe this would be better?

She's not very old, although compared to me no one is.  Anyway, she's looks to be around twenty years old, with a pale blue shade of hair, something that has become more common since man moved beyond Earth.

I knew it's worked when she's knocked back almost a foot from being shoved out of my mind.  

I'd recommend this instead.

I know it worked when she's knocked back almost a foot from being shoved out of my mind.

I know that she couldn't read my memories since those are almost totally blocked off from people like her, and she couldn't have gotten in so deep in the few minutes she had.

Considering that you used knew at the start of the previous sentence, I'd consider changing that to avoid repetivieness.

I reduce the block around my mind the slightest bit and create the image of a mind being stripped of all of its secrets bit by bit until it's nothing but a quivering pile
of never ending pain.

Say, what does a mind look like, anyway?

Who the hell lets a person that has threatened to destroy the space station go on his way especially
after knocking the resident minder on her, admittedly cute, ass.

I'd add a comma after way.

I'd change that last bit to...

..on her cute ass.

Yeah, that'd be nice.  I start a nice daydream where I'm surrounded by armor-enhanced troops by the hundred each armed with nuclear weapons.  [/b]

I'd let myself drift into a nice daydream where I'm surrounded by hundreds of armor enhanced troops, each armed with nuclear weapons.

POINTLESS EDIT 11. 54 1/2

This damn computer lab keeps surprising me.  I got seated at a computer that I knew would do that 'IEXPLORER has generated errors and the program will be closed' bullshit' whenever I logged onto Soulriders.  Despairing, I took a swing by Anifics.  As I was fooling around it, I clicked on Drac's profile and saw the link to Soulriders.

But, instead of being trasported to the forums and a likely browser crash, I found myself at a front page that I never knew existed.  After reading the comical bios of a few SRers, I clicked the link to the forum.  This is when the anti bullshit started.  

Soulriders ran perfectly fine.  I'm not sure if I'm lucky or if taking the longer way to the forums somehow solves the problem.....

[Anastasia]

Grammar/Writing

Simply put, rewrite the first third of the story.  The short, telegraphic style sentences just don't do it at all, it comes across more like you can't form a good thought than any 'realistic' speech patterns.  Once I got past that section, the writing improved dramatically.  On the whole, it's a decent showing.

Story

Is Ranma's curse still active?

You have some interesting ideas, but some parts need more meat to them.  In particular, the past flashback is painfully lacking.  The excuse of Ranma not remembering his past after Akane died is isn't unusable, but it's unsupported at the moment, making it much weaker.