Scary Parody

[Dracos]

Well, I just came across this rather wretched work, mocking cliches across the board in fanfiction.  It was supposed to be a parody, but I think it seriously failed both good writing and funny.  It actually is probably the worst piece of writing still on my computer.  It will never be re-written but maybe someone will get a laugh out of it.

Hmm... and meanwhile I have to figure out the 'attach' option *mopes on blatant failure*

(Begin suffering)
A Serious Jest

Before one starts...recall this philosophy... (misquoted) 'The best way to do things... is to start at the beginning and go on to the end, and when you reach the end stop'
You will definitely miss the point if not read through.
(I am doing this in a strange image-movie style, deal with it)
<Cut to an old craggy tower on an absurdly small cliff, lightning striking in the background>

Here...we see one of the more terrible beings in writing... (not really)

<Cut to a wizard's laboratory, full of bubbling beakers and strange potions.  It even has a little pool in the middle>

Here...comes someone we all know...

<A typical wizard suddenly steps into the lab from a hidden staircase, dressed in purple robes with a small oaken staff.  We see the wizard's wrinkled face with a long graying beard.  He is followed by a hunchbacked servant in ragged green servant's livery whom would be abnormally ugly if it wasn't the standard for hunchbacked assistants.>

"COME IHOR(1), TO THAT ...THAT...FANFIC IDEA MAKING DEVICE" intones the wizard in a standard snidely whiplash style villain plan ranting.

"Yesss master, shall we use the pool?" Grovels the hunchbacked Ihor, in stereotypical flunky manner revealing the device that appears more impressive but is never actually used.

"OF COUR *Cough Cough* *spits* of course not... we shall use ... 'the blank poster board' with the 'EVIL PAINT'... Mwahahahahaha" and here we see our wizard degrade in to an standard mad scientist villain's rant and accent (believed to be eastern European in origin) as he prepares to and proceeds to subject all around to his oh so original laugh.

"Now IHOR, bring me... 'THE PAINT' *standard ominious music* (sensing a theme yet?)"

"Yesss master" calls Ihor as he hobbles off returning with an artist's easel, a poster board, and some strangely labeled 'paints'.

"Now to create a fanfic idea which shall torment the sensibilities of writers throughout web.  First... let us start with one of the classics" The still unnamed wizard (whom shall continue to remain unnamed but if you wish as a taunt to English teachers of Frankenstein everywhere you may call him... Bob) grabs a multicolored can of paint and splashes it over the blank poster board, for a second revealing a name of perhaps the most well known sentai series.  "A base of Sailor moon, taken right at the end of the series... after they have defeated all of the most powerful beings in their universe."

"Now what, master?  Don't people like Sailor moon ideas?" asks the typical ignorant (yet often more insightful then the villain) flunky.

"Just watch Ihor, now to add something that will both offend and entice" suddenly, in typical villain fashion, the evil wizard is holding another container of paint.  *splash* "Aha... there now I have crossed over Ranma, simply because many people like it, and also..." the wizard suddenly jabs his finger into the paint and mixes some things around. "There most of the fiancées and other problems have mysteriously hooked up with the idiot guys in that anime, yes... Akane with Ryoga, Shampoo with Mu-tsu, Kodachi with Gosen-um..the idiot voodoo person, Ukyou with that crossdressing waiter of hers, Cologne with Happosai (2), Tofu and Kasumi, Hinako with Soun, and finally Nabiki with Tatewaki Kuno(3).  Yes, Mwahahahaha.  And, Genma committed...naw, that is against the common majority, he ...yes will laze about at the Tendou's and from time to time make half-assed attempts to capture Ranma and force him to marry Akane(4) while somehow freeloading despite the fact that with Nabiki has left and no one is bringing in money.  Oh wait, I know... Nabiki will still be making money on extremely farfetched and idiotic prospects (such as attempting to find profit on some name that she hears from halfway across the world)(5).  And this will all happen at the end of their series after Ranma has ripped apart the phoenix.

"And Ranma, milord?" asks the suddenly British tongued minion.

"Yes, Ranma... He shall be trapped in his cursed form which will suddenly be magically aged and enhanced to look like a super-model nineteen year old.  And 'SHE' will find herself mysteriously drawn to Juuban so will disappear one night but will not be followed as suddenly everyone will forget him and go on with their own lives.  'She' also will not be particularly mentally distraught over this other than a quick one paragraph scene in which she gets over it.  Now 'she' will also somehow find her way to Juuban university where she will meet the scouts and befriend Usagi, get in a fight with Makoto who will be thoroughly thrashed but will somehow not be angry.  The fight will somehow appear close despite the fact that at this point Ranma should thoroughly thrash Makoto in her sleep.  And yes, Ranma will be a demi-god like martial artist.  Heh...And to be perfectly offensive 'She' will form a lesbian threesome with Makoto and Ami(6) and have a rousing series of lime scenes culminating an a lemon side-story."

"..." Even Ihor cannot answer that sort of rant effectively, and he was a graduate of evil flunkies university in no-name, No-where in the confederation of No-How.

"...And Ranma will be a scout and will somehow be able to deal with it and will enjoy it after about a few moments of mopping.  She will mysteriously the most magically powerful of the scouts yet capable of getting into odd problems which requires the other scouts.  She will also trade insults with the scouts despite being overwhelmingly accepted by them.  And Ranma will somehow train Ami into a top-notch martial artist in a couple of days.  And She will also teach Usagi klutz-fu (7).  Ranma will take...hmm... earth as that is the more popular stereotypically new scout planet.  Right after sailor sun."
"Are you sure, Master?  It seems like the good gu..um, girls are having the cards placed in their favor." Protests the flunky.

"Ah...clearly this is too happy a setting right now.  I know, add a bit of angst" the wizard now dips a brush into some black paint and brushes it across the canvas (so what if it was a poster board before, now it is a canvas)(8).

"A bit of..." the hunchbacked flunky squints at the label on the can " 'Fist of the North Star'?"

"Yes, I shall add Kenshiro from the end of the series and portray him as severely depressed and for some reason in Juuban and for some other reason sticking around yet not really partnering with the scouts." Quickly the wizard jabs his finger in the paint again. "Ah, and for no sensible reason Pluto will see him as a threat to the timeline and tell the scouts to kill him and the outers will try it but will not be killed by him.  This will be followed by open hostility from the outers and slight hostility from the inners despite continual good deeds done by Kenshiro.  Thus causing anguish from good guys versus good guys."

"Now what will you do, master?" Crooned Ihor.

"Now, my pet, I shall steal a line from some actually good authors and hide unnecessary cameos in ...A commercial break!"

------------------------Commercial break--------------------------

When you want action  <a picture of goku and a classic super villain of the week>
When you want lazy space captains <a picture of tylor in his red coat, partially obscured by an amorous woman>
When you want weird magic cards <A picture of card captor sakura running...>
When you want gratuitous video game arguments <Ryu... Ken... Ranma...Akuma...Terry>
When you want strange author inserts <A picture of Purple beasts surrounding a six winged angel>
When you want...green haired time guardians <A picture of crystal Tokyo backgrounded by Setsuna>
When you want samurai assassins <An image of Kenshin wielding his reversed blade>
When you want weenie heirs to giant space empires <image of Tenchi on the ground unconscious with his suitors around him>
When you want insane martial arts <A montage of countless shows is shown>
...And Gunmasters <More countless shows are shown>

Come to Delphi of Hell...where you will enjoy all that, and be tormented by the chatroom as well

<brief scene of a newbie being dragged off to tux-borg hell>

---------------------------end commercial break-----------------------

"Now, dear Ihor, with all of these gratioutious heroes added for no reason other than to gather in hundred for this combination of thousands of bad stereotypes and pointless fanfic conventions.(9)"

<pan out, we now see hundreds of empty paint cans, with labels from everything from slayers to tylor>

"Of course master, but now, don't we need a villain?" wonders aloud the not so idiotic flunky (who is now appearing almost intelligent enough to deserve getting shot).

"A...villain?  You mean I can just say that their rivals all come back to life, with or without new super powers, or let the 'heroes' ego do them in as they battle for territory?  Oh drat...I was looking forward to seeing the results of crossing those universes where people don't stay dead on the universes where people just don't get killed or stay dead.  Just the jealousy would have been nice.  Oh well..." Thusly the wizard mutters thoughts that never ever pan beyond five chapters without an outside villain being added.

"oh, master, you forgot tuxedo kamen, what shall become of him." Now Ihor isn't even deserving of a verb here.

"Hmm... let's see, either he is trained in martial arts yet isn't really anything to notice or he is a hopeless numbskull with an ego problem." The wizard looks thoughtful for a moment.  "Hopeless numbskull with an ego problem and no martial arts skill who gets thrashed regularly but never really concedes"(10)

"..." Ihor now imitates the famous P

"Hmmm...with this crowd.. there is really only one choice for a villain..." the wizard hums for a second  "A nigh omnipotent source of all evil capable of destroying anything yet capable of being stopped only by well.....sailor moon since that was the base.  It will have to be a nameless villain for most the piece which has saiyens and dark wizards, purple ones and borg, negaverse youma and evil mystically origined martial artists.  It will have to have at least one major force for every one of the main heroes added and a number of generals, of which at least half must die by the leader's own hand.  And the last battle will have to be so filled with posturing and choreographed posing" pauses as he remembers something and suddenly gives all the added heroes a tendency for long speeches and posing per the genre "that it will last a half eon and result in death by old age of most of the not immortal warriors." The wizard here now breaks out into completely idiotic and gay looking laughter done in such a way as to guarantee he couldn't get an ounce of respect as a villain(11).

"Yes, but...why is he there?" Ihor asks innocently.

"Well, because it is stereotypical that if you group heroes idiot villains will show up who are nigh omnipotent unless certain nearly inconceivable conditions are met usually revolving around long heroic character building scene just as the heroes are all at the edge of destruction.  And of course because there is an Sailor Moon baseline somehow everyone who begins as a good female character in a short skirt will come back to life in the end." The wizard, flaunting his knowledge of matters beyond mortal comprehension (or rather mortal caring).

"And... master" *suddenly no longer humble*  "why are you doing this exactly?"

<cut to a poster board with perhaps the most disgusting piece of art one could imagine, making as little sense as conveniently possible>

"Because....I am Stereo-typical Wizard(q)(12) formed from the consciousness of all of those stereotypical unthinking idea writers who merely want things to happen without considering the how, why, or what.  Not even considering the long term effects that might be brought about.  Merely requesting x and y and a dash of z in order to create a monument to chaos.  So here, is the net sum of their work, the being built of messed up fanfic conventions and character worship built upon requesting idol worship rather than author ingenuity."

<cut to scene of wizard posing>

"Well... master, it is time for this to end." Ihor pulls out a gun, shoots the wizard, sets a bomb up in the lab and blows the whole tower to smithereens thus ending this long overwrought and most likely no longer funny joke.

Author's Notes:

Now remember this is a joke despite it's somewhat un-subtle hints to those who write ideas without thought.  A joke we have many to thank for inspiring.  First, I thank rifty for inspiring this in my mind a while back with his blatantly thoughtless crossover (which while he claimed to be thought further came across as 'hey I like series x and y though I don't know anything about series y so why doesn't somebody cross them over for me'.), the anime t.v. show I saw the morning I wrote this (Some little idiocy called the Moncalli Knights on fox which was literally a combination of the worst aspects of hundreds of sentai series), and some now unremarkable fanfics which I don't even remember (though certainly everyone has read at least one) simple on the basis of their stereotypical-ness (and no, even I don't think that really is a word).  And boy...did this go on longer than I thought it would.

And now I ought add...that the link to the Delphi forum was a spur of the moment bid, so all those subtly mentioned (or unsubtly) congrats for being amusing enough that you got in this horribly written mockery.  Feel free to throw sharp pointy objects at me if you don't like your mention.

By the way, This has convinced me that it might be fun to join the c&c mst crowd...so...beware if foolery like this assails you...for thus you must have written a fanfic without thought.

Author's Comments:

(1) I assume you can get the multiple meaning is the assistants name
(2) Even I shudder at writing that one down.
(3) Yep, this is another pot shot (though I hope it seems like I am taking it with a high caliber cannon) at the tendency to wrap everyone up and marry everyone off either at the beginning or the end of a fanfic.
(4) Yes, despite her already being married, this is a shot at the fact that many authors neglect to try to consider how Genma would change due to circumstances instead attempting to maintain cannon attitude despite massive changes in the entire background.
By the way...
(5) ...yep, this has not only been done before, but done into the ground.  I don't care if you thought the character of Nabiki was a money hungry mercenary in the original manga or anime, the leaps many authors take with her is outrageous (oh... look a superhero, how can I turn him into my personal cash cow).
(6) hmm... of late this seems to be a running theme, but this is a shot at the fact that (to me at least) the ami/makoto link seem to be the most common sailor scout link up in fanfics that isn't really done in canon.
(7) Either Usagi is taught klutz-fu or she becomes an expert at anything-goes and always in an absurdly short period of time, usually without any explanation.
(8) yep, this is a shot at one of the worst form of continuity errors that show up from time to time in newer authors stories.  The sudden change in reality without a real explanation of how it came about
(9) ops, gave away the plot.  Oh well, and no, not everything mocked in here is necessarily a bad thing in a fanfic.  Just usually something overused without thinking.
(10) Take a moment here, and ponder the vast similarity between a kuno and a chiba, as far as fanfics go.
(11) This scene is a result of the knights anime I mentioned above, which was so horrible that it tried to fit a sailor moon length sentai episode into a six minute (was watching the clock) series of quick transitions between mad scientist, little heroes, dumb choreography, and the other standard sentai stuff.


Standard slayer's drinking game rules... stolen from a better author than I
If you liked it take a drink....
If you didn't like it... take two.
If you are apathetic... drink till you care damit.

And a final rule... thus modifying the original
If you want to kill the author of this little story, then come on down after you've had five or six bottles that way you will be to drunk to do anything.

(End Suffering)

Fearless Leader

[Yuthirin]

Quite a painful parody...ow. It made my head hurt.

[Kaneda]

*silently continues to stare* ...... don't even need to say anything. this story speaks for itself.

[Black Dragon]

Ah, yes, a demon straight from spamfic hell. (I know that place well.)
This actually could have been funny if it was structured better. As it is now, it just looks like any given Delphi thread on a bad day. "D" for effort.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that was officially the first fic that has *ever* put me off my lunch. And I read "Neon Exodus Evangelion"

Back to the drawing board for j00...

[Rezantis]

I -laugh- at you, Drac.  :P

Gjwai: That was a dangerous thing to say.  I'm now tempted to pull out the list; if that puts you off your lunch I can't wait to see what you'd think of some of the things I could dig up...

MuahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA!

[Dracos]

As I said, it was utterly wretched.  Though it was supposed to serve the hidden purpose of making people feel unafraid to share here ("Whatever I have can't be worse than this"), but -.- I don't think it accomplished that.  Oh well.  A fic fully deserving of the delete key it has always been since it's inception.

Fearless Leader

[Anastasia]

...
...
...

Can you ECB your own works?

>_<

[Dracos]

Well, given the only reason I originally posted it was to get the board moving and inspire people not to be afraid to post here...No.

Fearless Leader

[Anastasia]

Crud...The idea of you ECBing your own work holds a strangely funny irony to it.