RRR vs. Kai!

[Carthrat]

The RRR, or Ravenous Rampaging Rat, is here to make your day as bright as humanly possible! And when he says 'fucker', no, it's NOT in a good way!


Nervous would have been the way to describe Ranma's current
state. Normally, he never would have thought about doing something like
this, but Nabiki suggested it, given his "unique" situation. Akane had
been vocal as well in her support, if a bit embarrassed to be talking
about such things. And though Kasumi hadn't actually said anything, per
se, even he could pick up on the little hints she left.


RRR: There's a million ways to fucking describe anybodies state, fuckwit. And whatdya mean 'normally, but Nabiki suggested it?' The fuck? He never cared much what Nabiki suggests, and the Ranma in this fic ain't normal in any way, whic'd be ok if it was a funny fic.

Current Rating: Java user!




       The door to the doctor's office and an attractive Nurse stepped
out. "The doctor is ready to see you now."

RRR: How the fuck is the nurse attractive? Is she an attractive hedgehog? Is she attractive by your standards, which doubtless include dead camels who are high on cocaine and animated with puppet strings? Fucking use some description, fuckwith!

Current Rating: Java user!



        Ranma wiped his hands on his pants as he stood, determined not
to let fear get the best of him. He was Ranma Saotome after all; he
could handle anything! His newfound confidence allowed him to give the
cute nurse a cocky smile as he passed her, and she blushed in return.


RRR: Wow, this could make sense, if the paragraph after it wasn't so fucked up! And he fucking gives EVERYONE cocky smiles! What the fuck is so special about one nurse?


       The doctor, a lean man named Mazuhara, invited Ranma to have a
seat on the other side of his desk.

RRR: Where'd the doctor come from? When did Ranma enter the room? The fuck? He passed the nurse, right. Did he pass her into the toilet? The brothel? Did he pass the nurse off to Ryouga? Fucking describe his surroundings and what he's doing!

Current Rating: Java User!


        Ranma didn't find much comfort in the doctor's grim face. "Um,
nothing is wrong, right, doc?"

       The doctor sighed. "In all my years, I have to admit I've never
seen anything like this. Even your gender curse, as you call it, doesn't
compare with this. Though I was quite surprised by that little
revelation, let me tell you."


RRR: He didn't find much comfort, but he found some comfort in the face? Fucking hell... And a gender curse would be *slightly* more surprsing that 122 whatevers... fucking hell, I can't belive I'm bothering.

I know! I won't!


       "So, what's the problem?" Ranma prompted, nervousness beginning
to edge back in.

       Mazuhara glanced back down at the open report on his desk for
the 12th time, just to be sure, then met Ranma's gaze. "I won't lie to
you. But our report shows you have 122 venereal diseases."


RRR: Fuck! That sucks!

       Ranma blinked, uncomprehending the word. Venerable? Didn't that
mean old or something? "Wait, doc. You sayin' I'm an old man?"

       This time, it was the doctor's turn to blink. "What? No. It
means you have 122 Sexually Transmitted Diseases, or STDs for short." He
leaned forward, his face still serious. "Frankly, the lab is amazed
someone could still be alive and breathing, let alone appear in good
physical condition like you are."


RRR: Fuck! That sucks worse, ya fucker! You setting yourself up for a career in flamebait, boy?

        Ranma smirked. "Hey, what can I say? I'm good. Never been sick
in my life." Well, there was that super-cold thing he got from Happosai
once, but that didn't really count.

       Mazuhara shook his head. "I'm afraid this is no laughing matter,
Ranma." He turned back to the report. "According to this, we've
positively identified 61 of the diseases. Another 34 appear to be
slightly different strands of the same bacteria, while 13 are entirely
new. 9 appear to have mutated from contact with the others, and the lab
is still trying to identify the remaining 5."


RRR: Yeah, sure, right. You do know it's not phyiscally possible to contract that many diseases? That I'm not even sure they're that many? That half the girls he slept with to get them would have to be fucking dead from them in order to do so?

Current Rating: Van!

       "So, um, you mean to say those venereal things are responsible
for that stuff that looks like cauliflower on my..." Ranma stopped,
hoping the doc got the idea.

       Mazuhara nodded. "That's part of it, yes." He closed the report.
"Now, I'm going to have to ask you about your sexual history."

       "Um, you mean who I did it with?" Ranma asked. At the doctor's
nod, Ranma looked up and tried to think. "Let's see. There was Akane,
Nabiki, Kasumi, Ukyo, Shampoo, Cologne, Kodachi, Yuka, Sayuri, Akari,
Mom, Kiima, Herb, Kaori, Bess, Tsunami, Washuu, Ayeka, Ryoko, Mihoshi,
Kiyone, Ryo-ohki, Nuku-Nuku, Ana and Una Puma, Lina, Amelia, Momoji,
Tomoe, Megumi, Kaoru, Belldandy, Urd, Skuld, Kagome, Lum, Usagi, Ami,
Rei, Makoto, Minako, Hotaru-"


RRR: Bad enough, but the next line... And COLOGNE? What the FUCK? You a sicko, son? Not to mention almost all of these have girlfriends. Fucking RYO-OHKI? You even KNOW half these characters? Fucking hell, I bet you just read them off a list or something.



       "Whoa, Ranma wait!" Doctor Mazuhara spouted, interrupting
Ranma's recitation. "Why don't we just start with the past month?"

       "Um, that was all this past month," Ranma replied.


RRR: That's right, we all have dreams too.


       "All of them!?"

       Ranma cocked his head in thought. "Well, about half at least. I-
Say, doc, what are you doing?"

       Mazuhara set down the bag he was breathing into. "Nothing."

       "By the way, what about my female form?" Ranma asked, suddenly
curious. "If my guy side is so bad off, does this mean I'll have to live
as a girl now?" A couple of years ago he would rather have died as a guy
than stay stuck as a girl. But since then he realized it wasn't too bad,
and had some rather nice perks as a matter of fact.

RRR: Oh gawd.


       "Actually, there is a bit of good news," Mazuhara told him, re-
opening the report. "Your girl side only tested positive for 62
diseases." He looked up. "I take it you've had a bit of experience that
way as well?"



RRR: Bull-shit! Into the realm of OOC!


       Ranma shrugged. "Sure. Some of the girls were curious, and then
there was Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Dad, Mr. Tendo, Gosunkugi, Taro,
Happosai, Herb, Konatsu, Kaneda, Hiroshi, Daisuke, Tenchi, a few
tentacle demons-"


RRR: HAPPOSAI? You know that it's possible to die of oversex, right? Ya think Happosai would even let her go? Ya even think about this fic at ALL, fuckerboy?

       "That's enough, Ranma!" the doctor nearly shouted, then calmed
down. "I mean, I think I get the idea." He paused. "Wait a minute, you
mentioned Herb before; wasn't she a girl?"

       "Same curse as me. Besides, that ain't a big deal once people
got a hold of the instant Nannichuan and Nyannichuan packets."


RRR: Those things were fucking rarities, yaknow. Fucking get your facts straight. Oh, if it's that fucking great, why don't we all fucking go to Jusenkyo and change there? Hmm?


       "I see," the doctor said, in a tone that said he most likely
didn't. "Anyway, have you ever considered the idea of a single partner?
Research shows it's safer."

       Ranma blinked as if the idea had never occurred to him, which of
course it hadn't. "But, a lot of people wanna see me get together with
someone, and my momma says it's manly, and I figured it wouldn't hurt
none." He grinned broadly. "In fact, I'm pretty good!"

RRR: No, have that much sex, your outlook changes. You even dropped your balls yet, son?


       Mazuhara coughed politely. "Ahem, yes, well, in your condition I
think it would be safer if you practiced abstinence for the time being.
Say, at least a year or two."

       "What's that?"

       "Not 'doing it' for awhile," Mazuhara clarified.

       "I dunno," Ranma said, looking unsure. "A lot of people ain't
gonna like that."

       "Ranma, this is for your own benefit," the doctor told him.
"Even sex has consequences, and you can't let others continually push
you into relationships. You have to decide for yourself who you want,
and be your own person. Otherwise, you merely become the puppet of
someone else's desires." He glanced at his watch, then stood. "Well,
that's all the time for today, but I'd like to arrange monthly visits to
keep track of your recovery progress."

       Ranma barely acknowledged the doctor as mechanically rose and
was ushered out. His thoughts were of how he wasn't going to get any
nookie for awhile, and of how he was going to explain this to the girls
(and the guys, and the couple of tentacle demons).

       His daze was broken as he signed out at the receptionist desk,
due to the Nurse he recognized from earlier. She was smiling and
blushing faintly at him.

       "Um, if you don't think it's too forward of me, would you like
to go see a movie this Saturday?" she asked.

       Ranma smiled, reading her nametag that identified her as
'Nanaki'. "Sure!"

       After all, he hadn't done her yet.


Didn't bother with the last bit. I'm sure you can guess what I have to say.

Ok, this sucks. It's fucked up, Ranma is totally OOC, not to mention Nabiki wouldn't suggest such a thing if this was true; she'd be busy fucking him. Not that that'd happen.

Guess what? You suck! Fucking hell, that was a surprise!

Your Rating: You're a FF.NET DWELLER! AUGGH! PAIN! HORROR! MISERY! YOU FUCKING FUCKER! SHOOT YOURSELF NOW! SHOOT EVERYONE YOU KNOW! FUCKING HELL< SHOOT ME! I'VE READ SOMETHING YOU'VE PRODUCED! MY MIND IS TAINTED!

Fucker.

[thepanda]

**You a sicko, son? Not to mention almost all of these have girlfriends.**

Should be boyfriends. Beyond that, Kai is a sick fucking piece of flamebait.

[Dracos]

Current Rating: Van!


I found this amusing except by the fact that when you consider it...  it's a compliment to him.

He's a Kaipito after all.

Fearless Leader

[Edward]

Not to insult you Carthrat, but your review was far too kind to Kaiphantom.

Just putting my two yen worth of comments in:

--------------------------------------------------------------

Well, Kai you show one area of improvement from your previous work.  You successfully calculate 61 + 34 + 13 + 9 + 5 = 122.  Much better than 16  + 10 = 20.

Maybe some day you'll learn plot, continuity, and characterization.

Kai: "Um, you mean who I did it with?" Ranma asked. At the doctor's nod, Ranma looked up and tried to think. "Let's see. There was Akane,  

Akane has never been willing to share.  Makes Sense fails Kai with the first name on the list.

Kai: Nabiki, Kasumi, Ukyo, Shampoo, Cologne,

Cologne?  Eww.   Makes Sense would fail Kai if he hadn't already earned an F.

Kai:   Kodachi, Yuka, Sayuri, Akari, Mom,

Mom?  Ewwww.  Kai, you're one sick puppy and fail Makes Sense again.

Kai:  Kiima, Herb, Kaori, Bess,

Who?

Kai: Tsunami, Washuu, Ayeka, Ryoko, Mihoshi, Kiyone, Ryo-ohki,

I don't want to know if you're referring to Ryo-ohki as her teenage form, small child, or a pet, but you are a twisted loser.  By the way, you Fail again, Kai.  Ryo-ohki is a catgirl of sorts.

Kai: Nuku-Nuku,

You fail again, moron.  Ranma + Catgirl = phobic reaction, not sexual encounter.

Kai:  Ana and Una Puma,

Puma is not their last name.  Spending vast seconds of research we get the names Annapuma and Unipuma.  Of course they haven't even been constructed yet and they're catgirls.  You Fail on multiple levels.

Kai: Lina, Amelia,

Sigh.  They aren't even from Earth.

Kai: Momoji, Tomoe,

Um, she's been dead for well over one hundred years.  Ewww.  You fail again, Kai.

Kai: Megumi, Kaoru,

Either Ranma's time traveling or see my last comment.

Kai: Belldandy, Urd, Skuld, Kagome, Lum, Usagi, Ami, Rei, Makoto, Minako, Hotaru-"

Considering the other names on your list, Hotaru being only ten probably doesn't bother you a bit.

Kai: "Actually, there is a bit of good news," Mazuhara told him, re-opening the report. "Your girl side only tested positive for 62 diseases."

You Fail to Make Sense again, loser.

Kai:  He looked up. "I take it you've had a bit of experience that way as well?"  Ranma shrugged. "Sure. Some of the girls were curious,

Only the girls?  Your Ranma is willing to hump girls in either form, but only guys in girl form?  Never mind, it makes more sense than the rest of this.

Kai: and then there was Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Dad,

Genma's a man among men, eh?  Kaiphantom thinks incest is funny, eh?  Bet your family reunions are hilarious.

Kai: Mr. Tendo, Gosunkugi, Taro, Happosai, Herb, Konatsu, Kaneda, Hiroshi, Daisuke, Tenchi, a few tentacle demons-"

Yeah, yeah, we get it.  Ranma will hump anything living or dead between the ages of six and three hundred regardless of species, familial relationship, or gender.

And you thought this was funny?  If you had a shred of honor, you'd commit seppuku, Kai.

[Jeram]

You know what, this is almost exactly like that bad sketch on Saturday Night Live when Garth Brooks was the host, played the doctor, and diagnosed James Bond with 127 (or something) venereal diseases.

Only problem is, the sketch had some funny lines.  This doesn't.  I think it's obvious Kai thinks it does, but what can you do about such things?

I wonder also this: Did this guy steal from anyone else?

[Dracos]

Not that I'm aware of, though he has a long illustrious history of infamy in his own right anyway.

Fearless Leader

[thepanda]

* thepanda chuckles.

Oh yes, Kai, The Super Hacker!

* thepanda points Jerem toward the ECB folder and laughs.