[Angst][Ranma 1/2]A Thousand Words - Epilogue

[Jivia]

Yes, you read right, this is the epilogue.  Yes, I know what a prologue is.  This is the order in which I want readers to read this story.  This, I hope, will be my opus!  Okay, maybe not.

This is fairly rough and short and C&C will be abosolutely adored.  I will try and respond as quickly as possible.

[Anastasia]

This is the Begining.
This is the Middle.
This is the Middle.
This is the Middle.
This is the End.

I'm not really a fan of little tag ons like this to the start of a fanfic. It doesn't really agree with me; I'd consider ditching it. *Shrugs* IMO, just get to the start of the story instead of dickering around with poetry, quotes or what have you. Set the mood in story instead of relying on something beforehand to set the table.

Not this time.  She angrily swiped her tears aside.  There would be no more mourning this time.  

Uh, I would change the second 'this time' to something different, perhaps...

There would be no more mourning now.

There would be no more mourning for this.

There would be no more mourning on this visit.

In other words, just something different.

She whipped around and ran into her older sister.

I found the way you said that to be just a bit confusing.  She whips around(Turns) and then runs(moves) into Nabiki? It seems to indicate a good deal of movement on her part that the first phrase doesn't really agree with. Sure, she whipped around...but ran into her? It distracted me as I tried to puzzle how whipping around becomes running into someone. Maybe collided or smacked into her?

She turned and looked at the bowed head of sobbing sister.  

Shouldn't there be a her before sobbing or somesuch?

Akane was killing herself.

I'd cut that. It's too direct, too much tell. Show the reader that she is, don't dump it at their feet.

Nabiki stood there, helpless as ever, and watched her sister run away from her.  The
distance was always widening.  Her leaden feet and soul didn't allow her the comfort of
closing the cleft.  Always widening.
   
---(Dashes added for clarity)

"Hello."
"Hello Kuonji-san."

Woah. Slow down there a bit. It was a bit of a jarring twist to go straight from the running Akane without anything to it..It feels a tad too abrupt, IMO.

Uh...What else? I'd add some line breaks between paragraphs for the sake of easy reading. I can't say much about the plot, it's far too short.  Fill it out, it's not enough or sufficiently unique to garner my interest.

[Jivia]

First and foremost, thanks.

I'm not really a fan of little tag ons like this to the start of a fanfic. It doesn't really agree with me; I'd consider ditching it. *Shrugs* IMO, just get to the start of the story instead of dickering around with poetry, quotes or what have you. Set the mood in story instead of relying on something beforehand to set the table.

I am quite the fan of opening coin phrases, such as Mr. Jordan's "Story -> History -> Myth -> Legend" preamble.  This is a personal preference.

Uh, I would change the second 'this time' to something different, perhaps...

Done.

I found the way you said that to be just a bit confusing.  She whips around(Turns) and then runs(moves) into Nabiki? It seems to indicate a good deal of movement on her part that the first phrase doesn't really agree with. Sure, she whipped around...but ran into her? It distracted me as I tried to puzzle how whipping around becomes running into someone. Maybe collided or smacked into her?

Hhmmm... alright.  I'll clarify it.

Shouldn't there be a her before sobbing or somesuch?

Eheh.  Yup. ^_^

I'd cut that. It's too direct, too much tell. Show the reader that she is, don't dump it at their feet.

Done.  I shall keep it a bit more general, slightly vague.

Woah. Slow down there a bit. It was a bit of a jarring twist to go straight from the running Akane without anything to it..It feels a tad too abrupt, IMO.

Hhmmm... it is supposed to be, as the title suggests, tempetuous.  This isn't tempestuous.  I'll revise.

Uh...What else? I'd add some line breaks between paragraphs for the sake of easy reading. I can't say much about the plot, it's far too short.  Fill it out, it's not enough or sufficiently unique to garner my interest.

This is the first of perhaps 10 revisions.  This is bare bones and it isn't supposed to reveal much of any plot.  However, I will endeavor to make it more my own and unique.

One last note, I apoligize for not responding on the forum itself for my last submission.  I failed to realize that many would probably view it as me ignoring you and Dracos and weren't there in the IRC chatrooms. ^_^

Thanks again.