War Games 4 [Inuyasha/Ranma/Noir/TNN]

[Catwho]

Only about . . . um . . . eight months late . . . *cough*

They ain't none of them mine.

* * *

Inuyasha stood nervously in the elevator, wearing the "professional" attire that his brother had demanded for the job. The starched, white oxford shirt seemed to stifle him. Western-style clothing, as Kagome called it, was too tight and felt as if it were hindering his movements.

Kagome's mother had come to the rescue and taken him shopping the prior evening, so that he now had several suits that Sesshoumaru should find suitable. The only point Inuyasha had refused was the suit coat; instead, he kept it slung over his shoulder, in case he needed to put it on.

His hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and his ears had been clipped back and hidden under his hair. His sensitive hearing was only slightly hindered, but the clips hurt like hell. He hoped it could take them off once he was in the sanctuary of the office.

The elevator stopped on the 28th floor, one of the invisible floors that, as Sesshoumaru had explained, existed in the pocket dimension above Sony Tower. He stepped out, and glanced around a bit, quite at a loss of what to do. Someone named Ruka was supposed to meet him . . .

"There you are!" a girlish voice trilled, and a very young demon came barreling out of an unmarked door. She was wearing a lab coat with dozens of stuffed pockets. Two green pigtails framed a freckled face, and large brown eyes peered out from behind thick glasses. She was cute in her own way, and looked completely human except for the large elven ears that jutted out three inches on either side of her head.

"Are you Ruka?" Inuyasha asked.

The youkai girl nodded. "That's Ruka-*sempai*, thank you very much." She winked. "Sesshoumaru-sama asked me to teach you the ropes around here. If you'll follow me, we'll be working in another building entirely for today. Just to be on the safe side. Sesshoumaru-sama asked me not to take you to the Demon World just yet, so we'll just stay in one of the pocket dimensions . . ."

Ruka held out her hand, and a crackle of lightning flew from it and met an invisible plane in the air in front of it. The plane formed a black hole of nothingness in the air, lined with the lightning, and slowly grew until it was large enough for even a tall person to walk through.

"First off, this is a daemon. It's a portal that opens gateways between dimensions. There are only two large dimensions, the Human World, and the Demon World, the latter of which was uninhabited until a few hundred years ago. There are also an infinite number of pocket dimensions, including the one we're currently in. Sony Tower has a permanent daemon installed in the elevator shaft, which carries the elevator to the top story. Reach out with your senses; you can only feel a few hundred people in this miniature-world."

"What the hell mumbo-jumbo are you talking about?" Inuyasha grumbled. He hated being treated like a child, especially BY a child.

"I'm *talking* about teaching you modern youkai society from the ground up. Just do it!"

Reluctantly, Inuyasha closed his eyes and let his powerful youkai senses take over. The matrix of smells and sounds that formed in his mind showed him that, indeed, there weren't many people or youkai in this dimension at all.

"Good. Now, the pocket dimensions are great for several things. First off, infinite storage space. Every youkai can access a unique pocket dimension all their own at any time, so you can just chuck stuff in it an take it out whenever it's needed. It's the proverbial "hammer space," so to speak. Once you're able to generate a daemon, your personal pocket dimension will be one of the first ones you'll be able to recognize."

Ruka stuck her free hand into the black hole. It seemed to disappear.

"A stable daemon is completely safe. You can't be split in two by accident. This daemon here, however, is travel daemon; it will take us about three miles away, to one of the Sony laboratory buildings. Travel daemons are only accessible at certain points, or nodes. You should never enter a travel daemon unless you know where it ends up, or else you could end up dead. There's at least one travel daemon in Tokyo that leads straight to the heart of the Sun."

Inuyasha was getting tired of the lecture, of just standing there while Ruka played schoolteacher.

"Are we fucking going or not?" he asked impatiently.

"In a minute, sheesh!" Ruka scowled at him, then pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and cleared her throat. "The third type of daemon also can only be fully opened at certain spots, and that is a World daemon. Youkai can travel freely through world daemons, but to actually live in the Human World now requires a permit. Youkai who are caught staying too long on the Human side of a World daemon can be arrested."

"What about me? I don't have a permit or anything like that."

Ruka sighed. "Didn't you pay attention to anything you were told? Sesshoumaru got you a permit the day you were unsealed from your tree. You're a legit Human World resident. However, permits can be revoked at any time. If a youkai harms or kills a human on purpose, his permit will be revoked and he'll most likely be put to death. The last thing we want is to draw attention to ourselves."

Ruka finally stepped through the daemon, and tossed a quiet, "Come along" over her shoulder before she disappeared entirely. Inuyasha hesitated, still unsure about the crackling black hole of energy in front of him. She said it was safe, and that he'd traveled through one in the elevator already, but still . . .

Her head, disembodied, poked through the daemon again. "I said come on! I can't hold this thing open all day!" She disappeared.

Gingerly, Inuyasha stepped toward the floating circle, and poked it with one finger. The finger disappeared. Around the edge of the black circle, lighting and harnessed youkai power crackled. His finger felt fine and still quite attached to his body, even though he couldn't see it.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and stepped through.

* * *

"Sounma?" Akane's voice called throughout the hallways of the Tendou dojo. Ranma was at work, and Akane refused to admit that she missed having him around during the daytime. It was almost noon, and the painfulness of being without him was only slightly diminished by the presence of her father and in-laws.
Sounma, however, was a physical reminder of Ranma, and whenever she played with her son or just held him in her arms, she felt a lot better.

"Heh, so I have gotten used to him," she said to herself, remembering the first few days after meeting him when she couldn't sleep, knowing that the strange pervert to whom her father had engaged her was just down the hall, ready to pounce and rape her at any moment. Fear of violation had always been the strongest for her, and it had taken several months for it to sink in that Ranma would never, ever hurt her.

Even then, when they were married, she'd had trouble adjusting to having him around her so much . . . during school, during meals, and then . . . at night. Well, that part had been rather fun, but his constant presence had rubbed at her for a long, long time.

Now that he was gone for half the day, it was the same worrisome feeling in reverse. She was *used* to him being in the same building with her all the time, except for errands. Having things be different, even if only temporarily, was strange and disturbing. Other housewives had done it for centuries in Japan, however, so Akane was not about to show her weakness to anyone. Oh no.

But to be strong, she needed her son.

"Sounma, where have you run off to?" she called again, peering into the dojo. She was relieved to finally see her son there, silently contemplating the dojo sign and the nameplates next to it -- Tendou Akane, and Tendou Ranma.

"Don't scare mommy like that!" she scolded, and scooped him up into her arms. He was getting heavy, but she was still quite strong.

"Sorry, mom," he said, looking genuinely apologetic. "I was looking at the drawings."

"Those aren't drawings," she said. "They're writing. You have books; you've seen writing before."

"Yeah, but the pictures aren't the same. These are prettier." He pointed to the kanji in Ranma's name. "I know what it says. It's daddy's name. Ra-n-ma." He pointed to the furigana next to the kanji as he said each syllable. "And that's yours. A-ka-ne."

"That's exactly right!" Akane was pleasantly surprised. "But you knew those were our names, didn't you?"

He nodded, and snuggled into her shoulder. He smelled clean and sweet.

"I thought they might be, so that's why I checked the little writing. Why are there two types of writing?"

"There are actually three types. You can see two here. You'll learn all about the first two types in kindergarten soon." She pointed to the furigana. "This is hiragana. When it's written next to kanji like this, then it's called furigana."

"Oh, I knew that," Sounma said impatiently. "I wanted to know WHY, though."

"I, um . . .," Akane was at a loss. "It's just the way it's always been. When you learn to read, your teacher will explain it to you better than I can."

"But I can already read, mama," he insisted. "I just read the sign, didn't I?"

Akane smiled knowingly at her son. "Yes, you're already learning your kana very well. But there's a lot more to writing. That's what school is for."

"I want to go to school now." Sounma had resorted to whining.

"Someday you'll regret those words," Akane said, squeezing her son affectionately. "Come on, let's go eat lunch. Your grandmother made rice balls for us."

"Rice balls!" He squirmed to indicate that he wanted down, and she obliged. He trotted out of the dojo, and Akane smiled to herself. He really was a bright boy. She imagined herself turning into one of those insane taskmaster mothers, who demand that their children obtain the highest grades in the school to stand out from the crowd . . . nah. She couldn't see herself fulfilling that role at all.

"Still," she said to herself as she left the dojo, sliding the door shut behind her, "I wonder who's been teaching him hiragana?"

* * *

Kagome stared out of the window, the oppressive weight of high school entrance exams causing her shoulders to droop and her sparkling eyes to dim in a stupor. In the front of the classroom, her teacher was droning on and on about algebra, but her eyes were trained firmly on the clock on the tower outside, which would signal a release from school in a few brief minutes.

She'd been trying desperately to catch up in math ever since her adventures in the feudal age had ended. Her overall average had improved considerably, but she was still far behind and had so much material to learn that not even cram school would help at this point. Her other subjects were just fine, however, which counterbalanced her miserable math scores. She'd written a vivid description of a feudal battlefield for her history essay, and smiled secretly to herself when her teacher had praised the accuracy and depth she'd put into her writing. Her English classes were a bit more difficult, but she managed to produce grammatically whole sentences most of the time, pleasing the American teaching assistant that helped out her class.

She's still pull off an A average in every class except for algebra. Grades would not help on the dreaded exams, however.

Her friends had helped a lot, sharing their notes (Ayumi's had been the most useful.) Algebra was a mystery that she just HAD to crack. She wanted to go to the same high school as her friends; it wasn't the best school in the area, but it was still tough to get into, and about ten blocks closer than her second choice.

She would not crack it today, however. The subject was too dry, the professor too boring, the day outside too pretty. In her soul, she longed for the quiet and boring of the feudal age. Her legs ached to walk for miles again, day after day.

This was her reality however, and so long as Inuyasha was in it, she'd put up with any math her teacher would throw at her.

The bell rang. Her friends immediately gathered around her, offering support and suggestions.

"That last part was difficult! I'll never be able to plot out a parabola just by looking at the equation," Kagome moaned, and mentally chided herself for goofing off and staring out of the window while her teacher explained how to do it.

"You can borrow my notes," Ayumi said loyally.

"My sister says it gets worse once you hit calculus, because you have to plot out things in three dimensions," Eri muttered.

"Ugh!" Yuka put in. "Maybe high school is a mistake after all . . ."

The group of girls put on their shoes and left the building, discussing the miserable hell of polynomials and equations. Outside in the schoolyard, a group of students had gathered together, abuzz with whispered conversations. Kagome and her friends were about to pass them by when Yuka noticed who was the current center of attention.

"Oh Kagome! Isn't that your boyfriend?" Yuka declared excitedly.

Kagome whipped her head around, and blinked in confusion. It was Inuyasha. At least, it had to be Inuyasha, because not many people in this day and age had a mane of silver hair quite like that. It wasn't *her* Inuyasha, however. This Inuyasha looked like he had just stepped out of the pages of GQ magazine. Kagome's mouth fell open in shock.

His hair had been pulled back into a ponytail. His ears were missing, although his bangs looked suspicious lumpy where they should be. He had on dark glasses, and wore a crisp white shirt and dark slacks with suspenders. A suit jacket was tossed over his shoulder casually. He looked calm, well groomed, and thoroughly modern.

Eri reached over and gently closed Kagome's jaw, grinning. "Stop drooling, Kagome," she said.

"Wow, he sure does clean up nice!" Ayumi said in awe.

"Uh . . .um," Kagome managed to choke out. "I guess he does."

Inuyasha spotted her then, and walked over towards her. The crowd of curious onlookers parted like a sea before him. The tailored pants accentuated his cocky swagger. Brand new shoes gleamed against the rough cement.

"Oy, Kagome," he called.

"Oh my god. I just realized who he looks like. Kagome, is he related to Sesshoumaru?"

Without stopping to question why her friends knew about a feudal aged dog demon, she said without thinking, "Yeah, he's Sesshoumaru-sama's half-brother." She couldn't tear her eyes from Inuyasha, who also stared straight back at her.

He finally reached her group, and stopped just a few feet short of Kagome.

Her mouth worked wordlessly for a few moments as she tried to think of a coherent thought.

"Kagome, your mom says I should start picking you up from school, since it's on the way home from the train station," he offered by way of explanation. "Keh, it's not like you're going to get attacked by demons or something while you walk to the shrine, but she said she'd feel better about it."

She blinked at him a few times while her friends giggled.

"Every day?" she finally squeaked out.

"Yeah, well, it's not like I've got much else to do except help your grandfather at the shrine, is it?"

Guiltily, she nodded. She knew it was boring for Inuyasha to wait for her day after day, but she'd never thought to see him transform like this.

"Well . . . I guess we'd better go, then," she said nervously, and waved to her friends. She was nearly shaking with apprehension. Inuyasha's lean, wiry body filled every millimeter of his clothing to perfection. She was filled with unexpected attraction to this new man.

They left the schoolyard, a buzz of gossip following them as they walked down the sidewalk to the shrine.

"How was your first day of work?" she asked, still struggling to get her lust-fogged mind into operation.

"Boring as fuck. I did learn a lot of interesting shit about where all the demons went, however. Turns out they all went into hiding." He didn't mention the parallel universe or the daemons, because that was still too confusing even for him.

"That makes sense. Is your brother . . . treating you well?"

"I didn't even see him today. I was working with some little kid named Ruka."

"Ah." She frowned, a random thought piercing through her cottoned senses. "How did they know about Sesshoumaru?" she asked, more to herself than to Inuyasha.

He answered her, anyway. "Sesshoumaru is apparently a not-so-secret big-wig at Sony. You already knew he was the one who sent the letter, 'cause I told you yesterday. But what I didn't tell you was that he's pretty fucking famous nowadays." Inuyasha scowled. "And rich. Still an arrogant bastard, however."

"Odd. I wonder why I never saw him before . . . then again, I always wonder why I never paid attention to what Jii-chan said about us." Kagome coughed. "I go through life with blinders on, don't I?" she said with a sad smile.

"So do a lot of people, Kagome," Inuyasha agreed, but caught her hand and squeezed it in a surprisingly touching gesture.

"By the way," she said, and cringed when her voice caught in her throat. "You look nice in your new clothes." And that was the understatement of the century, she mentally amended.

"Bah. I can't wait to get out of this clown suit." He wrinkled his nose. "Everyone at that damn office wears them." He tugged impatiently at the tight collar. "I don't feel like I can really move around. But your mom insisted, and suggested this as being more my style than the three piece shit Sesshoumaru wears all the time."

Go mom, Kagome silently cheered. "How did you hide your ears?"

Inuyasha winced. "Bobby-pins. Ruka says that a lot of demons go ahead and get ear reconstruction surgery to blend in better. That's not an option in my case. In winter, your mom suggested I consider wearing a hat instead."

"Not a baseball cap," Kagome warned. "Or the kerchief. That's too casual."

"I don't think anyone will honestly care at the office."

They were home. The usual crowd of children had gathered, but no amount of rocks would coax the demon from his tree this time, since he wasn't actually in it anymore.

"Scram! Go home!" he shouted. All the little children just looked at the well-dressed man with wide-eyed curiosity.

"He's not going to play anymore," Kagome said to them with a gentle smile. Reluctantly they scattered, one throwing a final rock at the tree.

They looked at the parting group of little kids, and only then did Kagome notice they were still holding hands.

"Well . . . coming home from school is going to be a little different from now on," Kagome said. "I wonder what's for dinner tonight?"

They walked inside the house, hand in hand, to find out.

* * *

Dearest Kirika,

Chloe and I miss you dreadfully. She returned to me safely several days ago. I only hope that the mission, which has taken you so far away from us, will end quickly too, so that you can return home.  The situation is not so dire as the rest of Soldats make it out to be, however, and even brought to fruition that man's plans will have little bearing on our own.  Do your best but keep yourself safe.  Nothing is worth harm to you.

My love, use this opportunity to stretch your roots and your branches deeper and further toward the sky.  Soon you will be with us once more, and you can share everything that you have learned with Chloe.  She pines for you daily, but you pine for her as much when she leaves us as well . . . perhaps raising you so closely was a mistake, but it is one I would gladly repeat for the constant joy you each bring to me.

Be well, my child.  May God bless and protect you.  Amen.

-Altena

* * *

Mother Altena,

I have learned much already.  There is a deep magic in this place, Nerima.  I have seen unbelievable things with my eyes, ones that I cannot put to paper in case they endanger the mission.  My full reports to Soldats do not even begin to describe what we have stumbled upon . . . but then, I know that Soldats is in all likelihood fully aware of it anyway.

All is well, otherwise.  I am safe.  I miss you and Chloe.  

-Kirika

* * *

"Doctor Tofu," Akane said, eyeing her brother-in-law as he stuck a large needle in her son's arm and injected a booster shot into it, "there is something I did want to discuss with you.  About what age do children begin to learn to read?"

"It depends on the child.  Sounma, have you started reading and scaring your mother?" Tofu said with mock accusation to his nephew.

"Reading is taking the pictures off paper into words . . . yeah, I've been reading," Sounma answered with his usual forthright honestly.  He grimaced and rubbed his arm where he'd gotten the shot, then watched in fascination as his uncle placed a clean bandage over the puncture.

"Who's been teaching you?" Akane asked, confused.

"Momma, you have.  You read to me all the time."

"Sounma, you're all done.  Go ahead and go into the waiting room and play.  I need to talk with your mother."

Sounma obeyed, slipping off the examination table with a loud plunk, and then scampering into the small atrium of the office.

"Don't go outside the front door," Akane warned him, and then sat down on a chair with a sigh.  "What does he mean, I'VE been teaching him?"

Doctor Tofu Ono sat down as well, at his desk, and played with a pencil.  "You read children's books to him.  You have since he was born.  He has full access to those books on his own.  It's not that unusual for a child to begin to phonetically associate the kana with spoken syllables, even at his age.  Heck, fifty years ago, it was expected that four and five year olds could read simple books in hiragana."

"He just seems . . . so calm, for a four and a half year old.  Just a few months ago he was a bundle of energy, defying me at every turn.  Now he's so pensive.  He watches his grandfathers play go and shougi more than he watches television."  Akane sighed a mother's sigh.  "There's nothing wrong with him, is there?"

Tofu shrugged; the afternoon light glinted off his glasses.  "There's nothing wrong at all.  Some children just advance more rapidly than others.  He does have some of the traits of a five or five-and-a-half year old now, but eventually he'll slow down and act more his age."

Akane looked out towards the front atrium, where her son had sat down with the blocks kept there for children and was seriously assembling them into some building or another.

"I just have a bad feeling about this.  Neither Ranma and I are particularly intelligent . . . Ranma barely even finished high school."

"Genius does run in the family, however.  Look at Nabiki."  Tofu grinned.  "I wish that *I* had that kind of genius.  And keep in mind that there are many types of intelligence.  You and Ranma both have physical intelligence.  Kasumi has emotional intelligence.  Who's to say that your son can't have his own gifts?  It's nothing to worry about at all."

Akane smiled reluctantly.  "I guess you're right.  Maybe I should consider enrolling him in go classes someday."

"Actually, what you should consider is putting him in pre-school now.  I think being around other children will do him good, and perhaps stabilize his development a bit."

"No," Akane rejected the idea swiftly.  "I mean . . . not now."  She shook her head.  "I've just lost Ranma for half the day  . . . I can't bear to lose Sounma too."

"I know it is a hard decision, but you can't hold onto him forever.  He'll have to start school next year anyway."

Akane bit her lip in agitation.  "Let me be selfish for just a little longer.  When Ranma is finished with his job at Sony, I'll see about finding him a pre-school."

"That's as good as a promise, then.  Tell the folks at home that Kasumi and I would love to have them over for dinner again some time."

Akane nodded, and stood up.  After only the briefest moment of confusion, she hugged her brother-in-law, and then went into the waiting room to collect her son.  The other patients there breathed a sigh of relief when they saw Akane and not her sister . . . Tofu would have been useless for hours if he'd even had a simple conversation with his wife.

"Say goodbye to Uncle Tofu," Akane told her son.

"'Bye, Uncle Tofu!" Sounma said obediently, and waved.  Akane took her son's hand and led him out the door, toward home.  Ranma would be home soon as well.

She wanted to see him again.

* * *

To be continued

[KLSymph]

Hello! Well, this is my first critique here, so I'll try not to stumble too much. I read your entire story today and I must admit I like it quite a bit. Very interesting concept. I don't know much about Noir though, and I've never seen TNN. But I'll try to at least say something useful.

Chopping the chapter into the parts I comment on here...

Inuyasha stood nervously in the elevator, wearing the "professional" attire that his brother had demanded for the job. The starched, white oxford shirt seemed to stifle him. Western-style clothing, as Kagome called it, was too tight and felt as if it were hindering his movements.

Just a small point: since you put quotes around "professional", I
assume that you're referencing Sesshoumaru's words from chapter
two. Sesshoumaru never used the word "professional" to describe his
clothing requirements in chapter two, which was the only on-stage
scene between him and Inuyasha. "Decent" was the word, or maybe "white
collar" could also fit here if that was what you were going for. Now,
since the chapter ended without playing out the entire scene between
them, you could say that he used "professional" sometime after
Inuyasha signed the contract, but I think it would work better using
"decent" instead.

"There you are!" a girlish voice trilled, and a very young demon came barreling out of an unmarked door. She was wearing a lab coat with dozens of stuffed pockets. Two green pigtails framed a freckled face, and large brown eyes peered out from behind thick glasses. She was cute in her own way, and looked completely human except for the large elven ears that jutted out three inches on either side of her head.

Hmm... she had ponytails in chapter two, not pigtails. Not entirely certain about the actual difference between the two if there is any, but I thought I'd point that out.

"First off, this is a daemon. It's a portal that opens gateways between dimensions. There are only two large dimensions, the Human World, and the Demon World, the latter of which was uninhabited until a few hundred years ago. There are also an infinite number of pocket dimensions, including the one we're currently in. Sony Tower has a permanent daemon installed in the elevator shaft, which carries the elevator to the top story. Reach out with your senses; you can only feel a few hundred people in this miniature-world."

"What the hell mumbo-jumbo are you talking about?" Inuyasha grumbled. He hated being treated like a child, especially BY a child.

Okay, on this scene. First, I think you started the exposition a bit out of
the blue; Ruka started talking about the daemons without any sort of
prompting or obvious rationale. I didn't notice Sesshoumaru telling
her at any point on stage that Inuyasha needed/was lacking this sort
of knowledge, and Inuyasha didn't express any surprise or confusion or
any signs of ignorance that she would see before she started
explaining. Secondly, I didn't really get from her way of speaking the
impression that Ruka was treating him like a child up to this point;
earnest explanation and casual joking, yes, but nothing that would
give Inuyasha such an expression. Of course, it could just be
Inuyasha's brilliantly social personality that would take her tone in
such a manner, but given that later on in the scene there is more
evidence that she's lecturing, at this point Inuyasha's reaction is a
bit abrupt. Maybe a bit of hemming and hawing on Ruka's part to
suggest that she thinks all of this is really simple? A little
melodrama would also help make the exposition a bit less dry, which it
is at the moment.

She's still pull off an A average in every class except for algebra. Grades would not help on the dreaded exams, however.

Err... "She is still pull off an A average"?
       "She has still pull off an A average"?
Can't really figure out the grammar on this sentence.

She would not crack it today, however. The subject was too dry, the professor too boring, the day outside too pretty. In her soul, she longed for the quiet and boring of the feudal age. Her legs ached to walk for miles again, day after day.

*scratches head*
So... she can't become interested in this subject because it's too
boring... and then she longs for another kind of quiet and boredom? I
can see the parallelism but I don't know if that works too well
here. Maybe contrasting the mundaneness of the classroom with the
simplicity of walking in the feudal age instead of drawing a parallel
between the boringness of the one and the boringness of the other? My mind
rebels against how you use "boring" the second time, even though I see
how it works.

"Well . . . I guess we'd better go, then," she said nervously, and waved to her friends. She was nearly shaking with apprehension. Inuyasha's lean, wiry body filled every millimeter of his clothing to perfection. She was filled with unexpected attraction to this new man.

"Apprehension"? Is that the right word?
Power of perceiving or comprehending?
Suspicion or fear especially of future evil?

"Bah. I can't wait to get out of this clown suit." He wrinkled his nose. "Everyone at that damn office wears them." He tugged impatiently at the tight collar. "I don't feel like I can really move around. But your mom insisted, and suggested this as being more my style than the three piece shit Sesshoumaru wears all the time."

Given the, ah, placement of the word and all, I'm just going to ask if
that's a typo there or that's really what Inuyasha's thoughts on
Sesshoumaru's clothes are. "u" and "h" are rather close
together on the keyboard...

---

Can't think of anything to say on the last scene.

Anyway, this is a pretty solid read, and the story as a whole is
pretty interesting, though it moves a bit slowly. Definitely it's a
good story to relax and while away some time with. I think that, with
the amount of introspection and restrained dialogue in the story, the
plot lacks a bit in tension and driving force. Even the bits of
intrigue that Soldats represents is muted by the way they are
portrayed as disassociated from the actual events of the story. The
Tendous' family and financial issues are very mundane, and the Youkai
are portrayed as quite human in their thoughts and interactions. All
the canon-esque relationships are set. There's not much mystery or
anything that grabs the my higher interest or makes me hunger for the
next installment.

A good story to relax to, absolutely. It's just that for these kinds
of stories I think it's a bad idea to... release a new chapter eight
months late. Not that doing such is good for any sort of story
(*whistles innocently, glances at his own story*), but for this type,
which doesn't use equivalently memorable plot hooks like stories with
a powerful presence of conflict, a strong matchup, or an
overarching sense of mystery, it's harder for the reader to hold a
constant reading... um, rhythm, I suppose. For a story with strongly
driven plot, one can more easily find the momentum of the story again,
even it's a few months between chapters, because one can simply
remember the last cliffhanger and get the interest going again. With a
story like this, that is a bit more difficult, and it might hurt the
reading if your reader didn't have that much emotional attachment to
chapters 1-3, and thus doesn't get into chapter 4 as much either.

At least, that's what I think. What do I know? I don't usually
critique writing half this good, so this is a new experience for
me.

You have very good spelling.

That's a bit more my speed.

[Catwho]

Thanks so much for reading! :D

The scene with Ruka needs some work.  (She's one of the canon characters from Tenshi ni Narumon, and I sometimes forget that very people have seen that series.)  I suppose I could go back into chapter two or three or whenever it was an edit in some more exposition with her and Sesshoumaru -- him asking her to give her little brother an explanation of how the world works, and a sharper glimpse into her extremely condenscending personality.  And then give a bit more emotion to her scene with Inuyasha, since the idea is that he's frustrated and she's not helping the situation.

As for pigtails versus ponytails, they are mostly the same thing except that pigtails tend to be shorter.  Ruka actually has ponytails, since her hair is around three feet long.  Even so, the terms are more or less used interchangably among the female gender.

Err... "She is still pull off an A average"?
"She has still pull off an A average"?
Can't really figure out the grammar on this sentence.

It should have been, "She'd still pulled off an A average."  *kills the typo*

Thanks for the wording tip for "boredom."  I'll change that to your suggestion.

Apprehension, on the other hand, is more a less a synonym with "nervousness," although with more sinister overtones, as the definition suggests.  I can't pin down a better term, but maybe there is something that works better.  Foreboding, maybe?  (She is terrified of the feelings she had upon seeing Inuyasha in modern clothes.)

Inuyasha did say "shit," although that is merely an English way of representating what he probably said in fairly rude Japanese, instead.

The story was never meant to be fast-paced.  It's an exploratory story for me -- I'm not particularly worried if people are screaming in agony at the end of the chapter for more, because it was written for myself in an attempt to hash out an idea.  It's an amalgamous mess.  At the end, there will be no dramatic climax, only a small epiphany, if even that.

The reason it's eight months late is because  . . . well, I couldn't think of what I wanted to write :)  And I wrote four or five oneshots in the meantime.  I think I will eventually get to the planned end.  But neither I nor the story are in a particular hurry.

Again, thanks for reading . . . everything is appreciated.

[KLSymph]

Thanks so much for reading! :D

No need to thank me, I had plenty of fun reading. ^^

I suppose I could go back into chapter two or three or whenever it was an edit in some more exposition with her and Sesshoumaru -- him asking her to give her little brother an explanation of how the world works, and a sharper glimpse into her extremely condenscending personality.  And then give a bit more emotion to her scene with Inuyasha, since the idea is that he's frustrated and she's not helping the situation.

In addition to that, might I suggest expanding a bit on Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha's meeting? I thought that they got down to business a bit too quickly; five hundred years without seeing the half-brother you used to hate should be worth a bit more time reacting to, don't you think?

Apprehension, on the other hand, is more a less a synonym with "nervousness," although with more sinister overtones, as the definition suggests.  I can't pin down a better term, but maybe there is something that works better.  Foreboding, maybe?  (She is terrified of the feelings she had upon seeing Inuyasha in modern clothes.)

"Terrified"? I think that's a bit of a stretch when you shift to "lust-fogged" and then WAFF afterwards.... Maybe stressing confusion would be better than terror. Sandwiching terror right between guilt and lust is ah... strange. And I can't really find a word that fits here either.

And don't take the whole story-pace speech too seriously. I have a tendency to ramble when my mind hits on something I feel like talking about, even though I could tell from reading that that wasn't really the kind of story you were going for.