I'm writing a story that crosses the world of Suzumiya Haruhi with the world of TVtropes.
Yeah, I know.... Long story. Anyway, I'm 14 chapters in. If you're familiar with the novels ... enjoy (http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh.htm)! Otherwise ... enjoy anyway (http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh.htm)!
I appreciate feedback, buuut.... I don't think that this forum has as many Haruhi fans, so I'm just going to post updates instead of chapters in the fiction forum.
I think that covers it.
http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh/index.htm (http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh/index.htm)
You're crazy. Absolutely insane.
Why, thank you, Dracly one. :D
An additional chapter (15) has been posting, bringing us to the long-awaited Fanservice Arc. Higurashi crossover ahoy!
The Fanservice Arc continues. Chapter 16 is up. Higurashi crossover plus next-gen cast, full steam ahead!
Moar Fanservice Arc. Chapter 17 up. Contains significantly more than your recommended dosage of bathing scenes.
And the Fanservice Arc concludes, leaving Hinamizawa behind.
Interesting.
Chapter 10 - "On the north end of Honshu, not too far from the Tsugaru straight."
Should be "Tsugaru _strait_"
Chapter 11 - "Mt trial is to learn to take responsibility, not avoid it. So! Tell me everything."
Should be "_My_ trial..."
Chapter 12 - "If you had either, I would demand them instantly," the president snapped. "No go; my patience wears thin."
Should be "_Now_ go...."
Chapter 19 is now up.
Quote from: Edward on June 22, 2010, 10:12:33 AMChapter 10 -
Chapter 11 -
Chapter 12 -
Waha~! Corrections~! Excellent. :3 Thank you very much for catching those, Mr. Simons!
"Kyon-nii-sama," Matsuri said, insistently, "you use your powers for good, right?"
"Nope," his sister told her, smirking. "He uses his powers for awesome!
Bwahahahaha!
Chapter 18 "Grumbling about the probability of getting his nice borrowed suit dirty, Kyon managed to break into a full at the same time as Haruhi, streaking around the far side of the house. "
Should be - "Grumbling about the probability of getting his nice borrowed suit dirty, Kyon managed to break into a full _run_ at the same time as Haruhi, streaking around the far side of the house. "
Oops, another fine catch. Thanks, as always, Mr. Simons. :3
Chapter 20 is now up. As per the author's notes, internet access may be sporadic in the future. o_o
Well, here's hoping things aren't too sporadic. Nice to see the plot developing and characters growing, which is typical for you, but not what you'd expect from something based on TV Tropes. I especially like how timid-Mikuru is starting to grow into the cooler future version.
--------------
Ukyou: With all her training in cooking, I recommend Mikuru learn food-based martial arts
Miruku: I don't think my universe works that way.
Hehe, thanks on all counts. :3
Refuge in Audacity, Rule of Cool, and then, specific tropes on demand. You can also depend on some tropes NOT making an appearance, such as Everyone Dies or Downer Ending. ;)
------------------
Ukyou: However, this author DID promise a Ranma/Haruhi crossover.
Mikuru: ...if it's a Ranma/Haruhi matchup, can I get Kyon?
Ukyou: *draws spatula* WHAT matchup!?
Chapter twenty one is up.
Chapter 22 has been posted. :3
Quote from: Brian on July 09, 2010, 03:42:40 PM
Chapter 22 has been posted. :3
...and has some very humorous parts.
Chapter 23 is now up~!
And so is chapter 24.
And finally, chapter ... 25.
Naturally.
Chapter 26 is now up.
Chapter 27 is now up.
And so 28.
What's this prolific writing~ :P
It's kinda schlocky, really. But it's somewhat amusing.
And evidently, it's the longest haruhi fanfic there is. That wasn't, really, the goal.... >.>
But, eh, the muse hath spoken, so.... <_<;
Chapter 29 is up.
A link on the current page, since I realized there isn't one anymore:
http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh/index.htm (http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh/index.htm)
And if you're feeling particularly tropey:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/KyonBigDamnHero (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/KyonBigDamnHero)
Another new chapter is up!
Quote from: Brian on August 08, 2010, 09:21:33 PM
Chapter 27 is now up.
QuoteWhile she was read a lot, she preferred the density of compacted words.
Suggest _had_ instead of _was_ or drop it altogether.
Quote from: Edward on August 31, 2010, 09:28:12 PMSuggest _had_ instead of _was_ or drop it altogether.
Will drop. Also think that 'a lot' should be switched to something more Nagato-like from her PoV, too.
Thanks for catching that! :D
Chapter 28
"In this instance," she answered, turning to look at Mikuru, wondering if the time traveler would be able to sense her regret, "I must defer to your judgement."
"your _judgment_"
In that regard, she calculated that she prefered clothing that was easy to wear.
"she _preferred_ clothing"
"Yes," she answered, while the time traveler waved off an attendant and stopped at a display of shorts, not far from a racks of blouses.
"a _rack_ of blouses"
She calculated how long that would take, determining that it wasn't going to be feasible without missing school, and most likely the movie that the clothes were being aquired in preparation for. Surely the time traveler had some algorythm or methodology that she hadn't yet determined herself....
"clothes were being _acquired_"
"some _algorithm_"
Unable to answer the question, and aware of Mikuru's growing aprehension as she watched, Yuki finally tried something she had considered, but not attempted before, outside of occasional attempts at humor.
"growing _apprehension_"
It was difficult enough to choose a phone -- just like identifying an item on a restaraunt menu as desirable.
"_restaurant_" (And throughout the chapter.)
"I do not ... like this," she said, tugging at the ruffle. "It is unneccessary."
"_unnecessary_"
She wondered if that qualified as a real opinion, or just a judgement that she didn't like to spend more time dressing than required.
"_judgment_" (And through the rest of the chapter.)
Sasaki exhibited several mostly concealed stress cues; her eyes continually flicked to the girl at her side, and she shifted her shoulders an almost imperceptable distance.
"_imperceptible_"
More subtle cues hinted at barely concealed anger; her slightly stiff movements, her overemphasized steps, and a shift in stance towards agression.
"_aggression_"
"W...what do you want?" Mikuru asked, struggling to keep the aprehension from her voice.
"_apprehension_"
They had gone into one of the storefronts, and with a suddeness that Yuki determined must be Kuyou's data manipulation (or some other effect that appeared very like data manipulation), they had abruptly vanished from her awareness.
"_suddenness_"
"That's right," Shinobu agreed. "Your father was very insistant."
"_insistent_"
She didn't even know her father had comissioned such a thing!
"_commissioned_"
"Ah, quite well," Yuuto aknowledged, seeming to become slightly more grounded at the reminder of his job.
"_acknowledged_" And throughout.
Kyon's father's face lit up, while his mother merely looked puzzled -- but distracted from looking embarassed, so that was something.
"_embarrassed_"
"Usui Sadamitsu," Kyon's mother said, her eyes evidently sharper than her husband's.
Interesting.
"Wasn't Usui Sadamitsu's real name, er ... wasn't she actually named 'Taira no Tadamichi'?" Kyon asked hesitantly, his voice hushed in the great room.
She?
Was that what all of the production and extravegant dressing up was for?
"_extravagant_"
"I just don't want it to turn out that Kyon's not decended from this lineage, and then the whole deal being thrown out."
"_descended_"
"I am grateful to recieve this," he aknowledged, with the usual formula, bowing his head as he tucked it into his greatcoat's inner pocket.
"_receive_"
But then, that wouldn't be apropriate in business matters....
"_appropriate_"
As her sometimes bodyguard, advisor, and now fiance, he was pretty sure he would completely fail all roles if he just let her end her life in such a way.
Heh.
Maybe he should try and spend some time with Kanae, and avoid all of the unintended romance that seemed to be cropping up.
Whahahaha!
"She's going to be upset enough ... probably best not to exascerbate things by going straight to school while she's waiting for me."
"not to _exacerbate_"
After all, he had armor and force fields; he'd survive probably almost twice as long.
Heh.
He couldn't quite help but feel aprhensive about things, though.
"_apprehensive_"
That was a more than adequate sendoff. Like his legendary samurai ancestor, he should embrace his death with nobility.
Heh.
The green haired girl produced an SD card and set it on the desk by the mouspad.
"_mousepad_"
"My plan is not to take Kyon-kun away from you," Tsuruya said insistantly.
"_insistently_"
Softly closing her manga and setting it down, Yuki added, "I also think so."
Whahahaha!
Haruhi yelped, pointing an accusing finger at the club's resident book worm and silent character.
"_bookworm_"
"That is probable.
Heh.
Yuki nodded solemly.
"_solemnly_"
Quote from: Edward on September 01, 2010, 10:13:35 AM[numerous spelling errors]
Oops. >_<
I failed on that count; thank you for the sharp eye for spelling. :p
And yes, Usui Sadamitsu was the one female among Raiko's retainers (I only discovered this recently).
Thanks especially for the comments; sorry I forgot to spellcheck! XD
Quote from: Brian on September 02, 2010, 09:09:23 PMAnd yes, Usui Sadamitsu was the one female among Raiko's retainers (I only discovered this recently).
First I'd heard of it. I've seen anime where Riako, Kintaro, or Urabe Suetake were female, but never Sadamitsu.
Quote from: Edward on September 03, 2010, 10:19:42 PMFirst I'd heard of it. I've seen anime where Riako, Kintaro, or Urabe Suetake were female, but never Sadamitsu.
You know, it's entirely possible my sources are wrong. Would not be a first time. :p
AND ... a significantly belated chapter 31 is up. :3
Chapter 32, now up.
Man. This fic is huge.
Chapter Twenty Nine: Night at the Movies
Well, Kyon, I am one you can turn to who is knowledgeably in these things!
"who is _knowledgeable_"
"Is sanity among them?" Kunikida asked, picking at his lunch.
Heh.
I said I would trust your judgement in Suzumiya-san related matters, and I still do, but I feel more confident in you when I am certain you have all of the information.
"judgment"
When she was bored, he might find an opportunity to watch her, but today there was going to be no way observe her subtly.
"no way _to_ observe"
She couldn't help herself; she snapped a picture of him.
Heh.
"You should put your hair up in a ponytail when you go out with Kyon tonight! It's at least plus five versus Kyon!"
Heh.
She ducked her head and blushed, satisfied for the moment. He didn't disaprove....
"disapprove"
Chapter Thirty: Day at the Beach (part one)
"He'd gotten himself entangled in an engagement with Tsuruya, some undefinable situation with Yuki involving frequent make-out sessions, another equally undefinable situation with Haruhi involving something quite similar, and now, he'd just admitted that as much as he should have enjoyed what he had going on with three adorable girls, he really liked Mikuru, too."
undefinable -> indefinable
Kasai scratched the back of his neck and coughed quietly. "Well," he said, apologetically, "I actually shouldn't swim here because of a ... skin condition."
Heh. Nice touch.
"Look for sea monsters, mermaids -- that sort of thing!"
Kyon: Isn't it a bit late for crossing this with My Bride is a Mermaid?
"Useless, unitegrated...."
_unintegrated_
Chapter Thirty One: Day at the Beach (part two)
"The high top of the sea-facing cliff sloped gradually down as the land sloped up, and shortly before the beach ended entirely, at the beach front road, Haruhi leaped without hesitation into the brush."
the _beachfront_ road
"With that, and no more warning, she shoved him off the edge of the cliff."
Whahaha!
"He desperately hoped so, as dozens of boulders larger than him suddenly flew free of the steep slope on the north side of the beach, helpfully slamming into the sand and creating barriers."
Suggest dropping "hopefully".
"The body itself, probably a meter high and two meters around was an ovid, shaped somewhat like a teardrop with the pointed end being the glowing weapon barrel.
ovid -> ovoid
Unless the Roman poet was particularly spherical. ^_^
"Koizumi rolled his eyes as Kyon dove to yet another barrier, taking cover in the nick of time a blast melted his former hiding place into slag."
_as_ a blast
Suggest dropping "in the nick of time"
" ...and it was taking a very long time to fall, wasn't it?"
Heh. Failed his perception roll.
"He stared with confusion as the boulders Haruhi had levitated were defensively vaporized by the robot as they shot toward it, one-by-one."
Suggest dropping "defensively".
"With more resistance than a shinjin, but not enough considering the thing's spindly limbs, he severed the three on the thing's left side and shot past it, curving away."
What is a shinjin?
"I'll check on Kane-chan, you help Haruhi get down here,"
Kanae-chan
"Kasai suddenly snorted, then coughed, covering his mouth with one hand and dislodging a good portion of the san pile he was buried beneath as he tried very hard to hide a grin."
_sand_ pile
"This was easily her favorite dream, despite the less important details being off."
Heh.
"So, she reached up and kissed him."
Hah!
"The outside world with Koizumi staring at her in amazement and Haruhi silently yelling at her began to melt away, and—"
Hah!
"You know, Kyon, I did say you'd need a lot of tools, but I didn't intend to turn you into a lombax!"
A lombax?
"I just stood around and made clever remarks, like mentioning that I did get a weapon that is similar to, but probably legally distinct from a light-saber,"
Whaha!
"My luminosity curves to the well of his being; his presence quells the voids in the fabric of my awareness," Kuyou said
Interesting.
Chapter Thirty Two: Debriefing
"Somehow, sparking up a discussion on eighth century zen koans didn't sound mentally relaxing enough to him, so he turned his attention back to Yuki."
Heh.
" Seeming aware of his gaze, her eyes swung to meet his, and he gaged that she seemed irritated or unsettled."
gaged -> gauged
"I wish it could be more than just empty words, but, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know," he told her."
Yuki: The title of this episode is Debriefing.
Kyon: And?
Yuki: I tend to be very literal minded.
"I'm older than yous by eighteen months," she reminded him, wishing that admission didn't make her feel like some naughty older woman preying on Kyon's relative innocence.
I thought she was only a year ahead of him in school.
"In a way, the look actually reminded Kanae of her sempai. Haruhi looked concerned and protective, but somehow, strangely confident."
confidant
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 08:05:48 PMChapter Twenty Nine: Night at the Movies
Yay! Feedback! :D
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 08:05:48 PM"who is _knowledgeable_"
"judgment"
"no way _to_ observe"
"disapprove"
Used all of your corrections; sorry about the delay in replying, but thanks for taking the time to comment! :3
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 08:43:33 PMundefinable -> indefinable
Kyon: Isn't it a bit late for crossing this with My Bride is a Mermaid?
Haha, I do enjoy that series, though! :D
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 08:43:33 PM_unintegrated_
Oops. :p
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PM"He desperately hoped so, as dozens of boulders larger than him suddenly flew free of the steep slope on the north side of the beach, helpfully slamming into the sand and creating barriers."
Suggest dropping "hopefully".
Wait, that's not hopefully -- that's 'helpfully'.
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PM"The body itself, probably a meter high and two meters around was an ovid, shaped somewhat like a teardrop with the pointed end being the glowing weapon barrel.
ovid -> ovoid
Unless the Roman poet was particularly spherical. ^_^
It's entirely possible!
Ovid: Untrue! Our cuizine was not that great.
Drat. I was going to go off on a tangent and introduce classic roman and greek poets as the main villains ... a twist like that has never been seen before!
The cast of Escaflowne: ....
...right. Fixing the typo.
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PMSuggest dropping "in the nick of time"
Done!
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PMSuggest dropping "defensively".
Done!
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PMWhat is a shinjin?
Shinjin is the original word used for 'Celestial' or 'Avatar' -- the big blue spirit thingies in closed space that smash things apart. I needed to capitalize it for consistency.
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PMKanae-chan
Oops!
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PM_sand_ pile
Got it. :3
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PM"You know, Kyon, I did say you'd need a lot of tools, but I didn't intend to turn you into a lombax!"
A lombax?
Lombaxes are a made up race in the Rachet and Clank universe. They're what Rachet it; they-re humanoid tool builders/users, and the one you play as tends to collect an _awful_ lot of weapons and tools ... though, the practicality of some of their inventions are questionable:
Rachet: Oh, come on, there's no way a Lombax would invent something THAT ridiculous.
Clank: Oh, really? What about your 'Nuclear Powered Rocket Sled'? Your 'Anti-Matter Bathroom Buddy'? And let us not forget about the "Electro Shock Undergarments" you invented last fall!
Rachet: Stunderwear! *aside* Huge seller on Umbris.
You can see that clip here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y66fmZHx-c0
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PM"My luminosity curves to the well of his being; his presence quells the voids in the fabric of my awareness," Kuyou said
Interesting.
I am having quite a bit of fun with Kuyou; I just hope I can finish the reveal of her nature/goals before the actual author gets to novel 10 and makes something canon. :p
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 10:13:20 PM"I wish it could be more than just empty words, but, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know," he told her."
Yuki: The title of this episode is Debriefing.
Kyon: And?
Yuki: I tend to be very literal minded.
Kyon: Give me a minute to pretend I'm struggling to resist.
Yuki: Understood; that minute can occur tomorrow.
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 10:13:20 PM"I'm older than yous by eighteen months," she reminded him, wishing that admission didn't make her feel like some naughty older woman preying on Kyon's relative innocence.
I thought she was only a year ahead of him in school.
That's right. Her birthday is in December (canon, actually), and Kyon's is in June (for this fic). That's one year and six months (or eighteen months) apart. :)
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 10:13:20 PM"In a way, the look actually reminded Kanae of her sempai. Haruhi looked concerned and protective, but somehow, strangely confident."
confidant
Er. A person can be a confidant, but people can feel confident. At least, according to wiktionary. Was my source vandalized? >.>
Anyway! Thanks again for taking the time to offer corrections! I greatly appreciate that, as always. :)
Also, for anyone else wandering by, chapter 33 is now posted!
Quote from: Brian on October 03, 2010, 01:58:48 PM
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PM"He desperately hoped so, as dozens of boulders larger than him suddenly flew free of the steep slope on the north side of the beach, helpfully slamming into the sand and creating barriers."
Suggest dropping "hopefully".
Wait, that's not hopefully -- that's 'helpfully'.
Oops. Suggest dropping "helpfully"
Quote from: Brian on October 03, 2010, 01:58:48 PM
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PM
Unless the Roman poet was particularly spherical. ^_^
It's entirely possible!
Ovid: Untrue! Our cuizine was not that great.
Doormice and rancid fish sauce lead me to agree with that. No wonder they were always off conquering somewhere else – the food had to be better.
Quote from: Brian on October 03, 2010, 01:58:48 PMRachet: Oh, come on, there's no way a Lombax would invent something THAT ridiculous.
Clank: Oh, really? What about your 'Nuclear Powered Rocket Sled'? Your 'Anti-Matter Bathroom Buddy'? And let us not forget about the "Electro Shock Undergarments" you invented last fall!
Rachet: Stunderwear! *aside* Huge seller on Umbris.
Koalla Suu: Where can I get some?
Quote from: Brian on October 03, 2010, 01:58:48 PM
Quote from: Edward on September 25, 2010, 09:31:19 PM"In a way, the look actually reminded Kanae of her sempai. Haruhi looked concerned and protective, but somehow, strangely confident."
confidant
Er. A person can be a confidant, but people can feel confident. At least, according to wiktionary. Was my source vandalized? >.>
Oops again. "confident" is correct
Quote from: Brian on October 03, 2010, 01:58:48 PM
Anyway! Thanks again for taking the time to offer corrections! I greatly appreciate that, as always. :)
You're welcome.
Chapter Thirty Three: Quiet, Uneventful Evenings
"Even the new clothing could missed, tucked into her closet as it was."
could _be_ missed
"Do not worry," Yuki responded, registering that he was demonstrating a high probability of being distressed ... though how much, she was unable to determine. "I will double-check your answers."
Heh.
"She pondered giving them a death-glare to try and scare them away, but ultimately fought back the urge."
Heh.
"Yanagimoto-hime! I will study harder to be the man you deserve! All I ask is that you study with me!"
Whahaha!
"Aaaah! Don't say it like a pick-up line!" Haruhi protested.
Heh.
" Koizumi made a thoughtful noise and turned to the instruction manual, while Kane struggled to bring her attention to her task and thumbed through the dictionary."
while _Kanae_
"Nonoko was happy, though, even if she couldn't talk about it. After all, she was already doing a better job of hiding her brother's secret identity than some of his allies!"
Whahaha!
Quote from: Edward on October 04, 2010, 09:57:01 PMcould _be_ missed
Drat! Hate when I have missing words. :p
Quote from: Edward on October 04, 2010, 09:57:01 PM"Do not worry," Yuki responded, registering that he was demonstrating a high probability of being distressed ... though how much, she was unable to determine. "I will double-check your answers."
Heh.
:D
Quote from: Edward on October 04, 2010, 09:57:01 PM"Yanagimoto-hime! I will study harder to be the man you deserve! All I ask is that you study with me!"
Whahaha!
I think this is the point where the tvtropes readers decided to label Taniguchi in this fic as a Large Ham. :3
Quote from: Edward on October 04, 2010, 09:57:01 PM" Koizumi made a thoughtful noise and turned to the instruction manual, while Kane struggled to bring her attention to her task and thumbed through the dictionary."
while _Kanae_
Gah, that's like the second or third time I've done that, too. :x
Quote from: Edward on October 04, 2010, 09:57:01 PM"Nonoko was happy, though, even if she couldn't talk about it. After all, she was already doing a better job of hiding her brother's secret identity than some of his allies!"
Whahaha!
Sweet; thanks, as always, for the reply. :D
And, for those who read it, more K:BDH, after a slight delay.
Hopefully I'll have a cleaner version of chapter 34 shortly (like, posted tomorrow), along with some fanart that I have been given.
To date, two of my fics have been awesome enough to earn fanart: K:BDH and Process of Elimination.
The times, they are good. :3
> Chapter Thirty Four: Whispering Winds
>"I wouldn't be surprised if they're behind whatever provoked the Sumiyoshi-rengo, or they're trying to help the mystery operative who's trying to use the Tamaru brothers as bait," he noted. "
How does Kyon know the brothers are being used as bait?
>"Quite so," Koizumi agreed, glancing at the shiny black and chrome object. "At any rate, while I don't mind working with you, especially now that I know I'm better able to keep pace with you, as it goes, I would like to discuss a title change."
Kyon: I'm not sure how be a readership there would be for "The Melancholy of Itsuki Koizumi.
>"It's not rocket surgery,"
Heh.
>"It's basic psychology, plus the the fact that almost no teacher in all of Japan deviates from an approved lesson plan!"
Duplicate "the"
>"Oh, right," Kyon said with a nod. "That makes perfect sense."
Heh.
>"Um ... i...if it's not too much trouble," Mikuru asked him meekly, managing a shy smile, "c...could you help me with some shopping tonight, Kyon-kun?"
It appears you meant the lowercase I as the stammered start of "if", but I first read it as "I" incorrectly capitalized.
>She felt her face redden and shook her head minutely. "I wanted to cook, actually, if that's alright...."
Mikuru: I have this traditional apron costume....
>"Fujiwara's sneer vanished, and he narrowed his eyes."
Heh.
>"So, self-proclaimed champion of free will," Kyon said dryly, "be free, and accomplish nothing, or jump through my hoop of predetermination like a good dog, and maybe you'll get a tool you can use for a while."
Heh.
>The realization hit her so abruptly she nearly tipped over in her seat. "T...that's it!" she exclaimed suddenly, her eyes wide as she stared at Kyon in amazement. All she needed to do was add some ingredients to history from outside of the recipe ... it would avoid violating causality, even if the end result was more seasoned to her tastes!
Nice.
>She didn't care that they were missing dinner; it would be there for them once she and Kyon stopped kissing, and she could always heat it up again if she had to.
Heh.
>In a distracted funk, still, the Tsuruya family patriarch pulled a cigar from within his coat, absently heating the thing and clipping one end before lighting it and taking a long draw.
Suggest moving "still" to the front of the sentence. Why would someone heat a cigar? How?
>"I just need my magical girl powerup!" Nonoko exclaimed cheerfully. "I know it will come some day!"
Heh.
>"Silly," she chided her brother. "Boys are super-easy to mind-control! I don't want to have to fight you, too."
Whahaha!
>"They're doing field trips in elementary school now?" Kyon asked, intrigued. "Is it to a library or hospital? Something like that?"
Is that odd in Japan? When I was in school, we only had field trips in elementary school.
>This was her chance to go somewhere remote and special, where she would have her once-in-a-life-time encounter that would give her the much-needed magical-girl powerup!
Heh.
>"Yeah, your good friend is being transfered as soon as he gets out of medical."
_transferred_
>After the small-time gang leader was locked in his cell and unbound, the older man said, now, enjoy yourself, but not as much as last time, alright?"
Missing the front quotation mark.
>"Do you prefer the Folksmen version, or the way the New--"
Heh.
I have got to stop delaying replies so long. >_<
I was trying to rewrite and fix grammar errors throughout the entire story, then I got distracted, and then.... <_<
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM> Chapter Thirty Four: Whispering Winds
>"I wouldn't be surprised if they're behind whatever provoked the Sumiyoshi-rengo, or they're trying to help the mystery operative who's trying to use the Tamaru brothers as bait," he noted. "
How does Kyon know the brothers are being used as bait?
Mori implied it in chapter 33 ... or.... Well, I pulled this off of kbdhcomplete.txt:
Quote"I think you're playing against the wrong person," Kyon judged at length. "In terms of chess, the capture of the entire Fujiya-tachi is a pawn sacrifice. It drew out the Tamaru brothers, and left them exposed to the rest of the Sumiyoshi-rengo. But then, Mori-san already suspects this, or she wouldn't have mentioned that they got credit through seeming coincidence."
"Exactly so, Sir," she agreed, nodding at him. "While retaliation from the Sumiyoshi-rengo is a possible factor, I'm more concerned with the fact that someone in or above the police force has sent orders down that give the Tamaru brothers complete credit, and almost complete responsibility. They can't reasonably refuse those orders, so, as you determined, they captured the pawns and are left in the field ... most likely to try and draw _us_ out. In the meantime, because I suspect that they're being watched, it's also become much more difficult to communicate with them."
Should I make that clearer? (Hehe, if so, I'll have to figure out where that belongs! :p)
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>"Quite so," Koizumi agreed, glancing at the shiny black and chrome object. "At any rate, while I don't mind working with you, especially now that I know I'm better able to keep pace with you, as it goes, I would like to discuss a title change."
Kyon: I'm not sure how be a readership there would be for "The Melancholy of Itsuki Koizumi.
The starring character of Gosunkugi 1/2: Don't let him get you down! You gotta believe!
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>"It's basic psychology, plus the the fact that almost no teacher in all of Japan deviates from an approved lesson plan!"
Duplicate "the"
Oops. :p
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>"Um ... i...if it's not too much trouble," Mikuru asked him meekly, managing a shy smile, "c...could you help me with some shopping tonight, Kyon-kun?"
It appears you meant the lowercase I as the stammered start of "if", but I first read it as "I" incorrectly capitalized.
I'll omit that one stutter; I think she's got enough as it is.
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>She felt her face redden and shook her head minutely. "I wanted to cook, actually, if that's alright...."
Mikuru: I have this traditional apron costume....
Haruhi: I like where this is going....
Kyon: *feigns ignorance* Really?
Tsuruya: *silently readies a camera*
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>The realization hit her so abruptly she nearly tipped over in her seat. "T...that's it!" she exclaimed suddenly, her eyes wide as she stared at Kyon in amazement. All she needed to do was add some ingredients to history from outside of the recipe ... it would avoid violating causality, even if the end result was more seasoned to her tastes!
Nice.
And it's fun to give Mikuru some character growth. >.>
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>In a distracted funk, still, the Tsuruya family patriarch pulled a cigar from within his coat, absently heating the thing and clipping one end before lighting it and taking a long draw.
Suggest moving "still" to the front of the sentence. Why would someone heat a cigar? How?
Evidently, you run the cigar over a flame, making sure it's warm evenly before smoking it properly -- if it's a quality cigar, anyway. I don't know that for a fact, it's just something I read in the process of researching. :p
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>"Silly," she chided her brother. "Boys are super-easy to mind-control! I don't want to have to fight you, too."
Whahaha!
Kyon's Sister: pushing the envelope of wrong-genre savvy.
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>"They're doing field trips in elementary school now?" Kyon asked, intrigued. "Is it to a library or hospital? Something like that?"
Is that odd in Japan? When I was in school, we only had field trips in elementary school.
Actually, it's probably not that odd. Time for research.
Seems plausible they do. In this case, it's just because it didn't happen for Kyon when he went to the same school.
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>"Yeah, your good friend is being transfered as soon as he gets out of medical."
_transferred_
D'oh!
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PMMissing the front quotation mark.
Oops!
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>"Do you prefer the Folksmen version, or the way the New--"
Heh.
I can't remember; are you familiar with that song? :p
Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to correct and reply, and sorry for the delay in replying.
Chapter 35 is up ... and probably riddled with typos. >_<
Quote from: Brian on November 21, 2010, 05:22:13 AMQuote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PMKyon: I'm not sure how big a readership there would be for "The Melancholy of Itsuki Koizumi.
The starring character of Gosunkugi 1/2: Don't let him get you down! You gotta believe!
I remember reading a fic where Gosunkugi became the Sorcerer Supreme. What I read seemed pretty good.
Quote from: Brian on November 21, 2010, 05:22:13 AM
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PMWhy would someone heat a cigar? How?
Evidently, you run the cigar over a flame, making sure it's warm evenly before smoking it properly -- if it's a quality cigar, anyway. I don't know that for a fact, it's just something I read in the process of researching. :p
I suggest moving some of that research on screen. Kyon doesn't need to know why the cigar is being heated, but he'd certainly see how it was being done.
Quote from: Brian on November 21, 2010, 05:22:13 AM
Quote from: Edward on October 30, 2010, 01:14:05 PM>"Do you prefer the Folksmen version, or the way the New--"
Heh.
I can't remember; are you familiar with that song? :p
Never heard of the song or the group. It was still humorous because the musician thought he he'd found a fan.
Quote from: Brian on November 21, 2010, 05:22:13 AMAnyway, thanks again for taking the time to correct and reply, and sorry for the delay in replying.
You're welcome.
Quote from: Edward on November 21, 2010, 11:19:18 PMI remember reading a fic where Gosunkugi became the Sorcerer Supreme. What I read seemed pretty good.
Sorcerer Supreme, or is this Defending, which is where Gos becomes Dr. Strange from the comic book universe (I'm not sure if it's Marvel or DC)? That one was pretty clever, but I think it was abandoned -- it's actually a spinoff of DB's ... Avenging? Avenger? Something like that....
Anyway, if we're thinking about the same story, the writing was pretty dang clever. :D
Quote from: Edward on November 21, 2010, 11:19:18 PMI suggest moving some of that research on screen. Kyon doesn't need to know why the cigar is being heated, but he'd certainly see how it was being done.
...yes. I need to do this. Hum, I should really do this the first time Tsuruya Kenshiro lights a cigar onscreen -- I did the research specifically so that the Yakuza miniboss who ALSO smokes cigars does it wrong. IE., he's less cultured.
That means that this scene will probably also reference that Kyon's seen it done once before. Now, ~complete.txt, let us search for all instances of cigars....
Oh, wait, line 6203; chapter thirteen. Um, double-check the live copies.... Sweet. I actually remembered to include that in chapter thirteen. It's only the problem of a ... um, hum that's a huge chapter gap. Yeah, no one will remember that. :x Stock footage! (New trope!)
QuoteStill in a distracted funk, the Tsuruya family patriarch pulled a cigar from within his coat, absently clipping one end before fumbling for his lighter. Even then, he was completely absorbed in his heating ritual, turning the tip of the cigar over above the flame until it heated evenly, concluding by taking a long draw. It was only then that he seemed to realize he wasn't alone in the car. Tsuruya shoved down a tiny surge of worry; her father didn't usually get distracted like this unless something had gone very wrong.
Quote from: Edward on November 21, 2010, 11:19:18 PMNever heard of the song or the group. It was still humorous because the musician thought he he'd found a fan.
Ah, okay; well, I should have thought of that intentionally, but that really seems to have worked. >.>
Quote from: Brian on November 23, 2010, 10:07:16 PMSorcerer Supreme, or is this Defending, which is where Gos becomes Dr. Strange from the comic book universe (I'm not sure if it's Marvel or DC)? That one was pretty clever, but I think it was abandoned -- it's actually a spinoff of DB's ... Avenging? Avenger? Something like that....
Anyway, if we're thinking about the same story, the writing was pretty dang clever. :D
Sorcerer Supreme is Dr. Strange's title. Defending was the fic's title. I liked it better than Avenging.
Chapter 36 is now posted.
Chapter 37 is now posted.
Chapter 38 ... posted.
Now for the fighting part.
Chapter 39 is online.
You can read it http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh/kbdh39.htm]here (http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh/kbdh39.htm).
Chapter 41 has now been posted.
Chapter 40 was eaten by the Slime King?
Actually, funny story -- it was originally thought lost due to TiME COMpRESSION.
Long, strange story.
It's there, now, thanks to Mikuru's help. :)
I really need to get back to reading the prereqs.
42 - up
:D
43 up.
433k words in the story so far....
And ... a chapter 44 is fine too.
Is dat sum chapter 45?!
Now with MORE spanner slang!
Go go go power updating!
/me like.
"It may not have made sense, but Kyon had said he'd take look out for her - and against what she had thought were impossible odds ... he'd succeeded. She somehow doubted she could honestly be surprised if he could do anything to keep his promises. Was that Kyon's power of friendship?"
Awesomesause.
Poor Sasaki, vilified so often....
I'm glad taking friendship to eleven is working. :3
Quote from: Brian on June 27, 2011, 05:25:58 PM
Poor Sasaki, vilified so often....
With the way fanfiction tropes work, you're probably more responsible for that than the books are, Mr. Longest/Most-wordy Haruhi-fic writer on ff.net. :p
Brian wordy? NAW.
Chapter 47 is now up:
http://pishoque.net/brian/fanfic/kbdh/
(Hope I'm not jumping the gun, but revising is much easier now.)
I kept thinking 'Use your damn spell cards, Haruhi!' and then you dropped a CiRyouko in there. . .
Wait until Hal pressures me into Advent Achakura!
* Halbarad whistles nonchalantly.
is pretty OP.
Also, don't Kyon's tools and coat draw their powers from the user's body heat? How is Nonoko able to sustain usage?
Oh, yeah.
Chapter 48 is out!
Nonoko was able to sustain usage from her fever, which Ryouko will explain in more detail later. (Yes, Ryouko did good on that one!)
And Kyon in general is pretty OP in the right situations. :D