Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

Quote"We'll let it slide this one time because you're distracted with concern, but next time, you'll absolutely have to do better than that," she agreed, glad that she could finally improve matters for Kyon.  And Nonoko would surely love to see Mikuru and Yuki anyway.  "It's your job to protect her, after all!"

>> 'distracted with concern' is somewhat awkwardly worded.

Just 'distracted', then.

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteHe really did have to make a choice -- idling as he was, he'd caught an awful lot of positive attention from the girls of the school.  Enough time was starting to pass from the initial shock that rumors were going around about quite a few girls -- first years included -- thinking of trying to confess to him.  That was a complication he didn't need, when he'd established relationships with other girls, and some of them seemed strong already.

>> 'was starting to pass'? Little complex, could just snip this down to 'had passed'. Might be good to clarify what the shock was, too - obvious answer is the photography ring, but it's kind of vaguely worded.

Had passed, then.  A little too verbose, trying to beat writer's block.  Revised:

QuoteEnough time had passed from the initial shock of the ring that Kyon had exposed and defeated that rumors were going around about quite a few girls -- first years included -- thinking of trying to confess to him.

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteNot long after that, the shaking stopped, and she peeked cautiously out.

>> Here you decided to boldly split the infinitive. =P

I'm ... okay with this?  :p

Didn't realize I had, but after consideration, it works.

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

Quote"Just you try it!" Haruhi snapped impatiently.  "Our world won't give up so easily--  Kuyou-chan!  Use your spellcard - Spooky Action 'Wide Area Transmigration'!"

>> Just switched the wording for the spellcard usage around a bit to fit a bit better.

Excellent; I'll go with the advice of the Touhou loremaster. :3

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteEven so, it was against her nature merely to wait, so she pitted every spare bit of spin into creating her own false observations, projecting them against the Other.  Even though she had never done such a thing before, 'memory' made separating genuine observations from false.  The interference was consuming to maintain, but shifted the brunt of the assault on the Chorus directly into those false observations.

>> This is a bit oblique, even for Kuyou - may be missing some words in here.

Yeah, after the cooking, Kuyou should be easier to understand (without being too Mikuru-like).  Hmm.

Hm, and the second sentence was just incomplete, actually.

QuoteEven so, it was against her nature merely to wait, so she pitted every spare bit of spin into creating her own false observations, projecting them against the Other.  Even though she had never done such a thing before, 'memory' made separating genuine observations from false simple; she could rely on 'memory' and know that anything else wasn't reliable.  The interference was consuming to maintain, but shifted the brunt of the assault on the Chorus directly into those false observations, relieving the pressure and freeing a small bit of spin.

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteShe returned her awareness to her surroundings again.  Kyon had carried her across the building a short distance, muttering a series of well-rehearsed memetics to indicate frustration.  They were pursued by a pair of somewhat spherical beings with a trio of thick mechanical limbs, clomping after them and emitting a piercing high-pitched yelp.

>> Two hunters emitting one yelp?

Actually, I can imagine that.  Hehe, corrected to indicate just the closer one.

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteKyon dashed abruptly to one side, kicking open a door as a burst of glowing projectiles spat out of the chasing forms.  The brightly lit flechettes quivered in the doorway and wall behind the fleeing pair briefly before abruptly exploding, unleashing a smaller burst of energy.

     "Great!" Kyon yelled, which Kuyou somehow suspected he said without sincerity, as he sometimes did while stressed.

>> This strikes me as a little odd; Kuyou's spent enough time around Kyon while he's stressed to a. realize he's stressed and b. figure out sarcasm?

Too jarring?  Yeah, actually, that is too much for Kuyou here.  I can just have her wonder if she's understanding him correctly, instead:

Quote"Great!" Kyon yelled, which Kuyou somehow suspected he said without sincerity.  She would need to ask Ryouko about that later.

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteOverhead, looming like a giant eye, a massive portal whirled.  Its outer edges were surrounded by bits of cloud, lending it the ominous appearance of a rotating galaxy, while dozens -- hundreds, even -- of shining stars tumbled free, twinkling dully.  At different points in their tumbling falls, they suddenly shone brighter, shooting away and leaving bright trails behind them.  They corkscrewed and spun before straightening their paths out, all zooming rapidly away -- and outward.

>> A bit repetitive here.

Hmm, really?  I think it just sucks, now that I look at it again.  :p

Yeah, this needs to be cleaned with a vengeance.  Doesn't help that I haven't seen episode two in forever.  Ah....  I think I'll drop almost all of that final sentence and splice the end onto the previous sentence.  And ... add color descriptors.

QuoteOverhead, looming like a giant red-rimmed eye, a massive portal whirled.  Its outer edges were surrounded by bits of cloud, lit an eerie crimson, lending it the ominous appearance of a rotating galaxy, while dozens -- hundreds, even -- of shining stars tumbled free, twinkling dully as they descended.  At different points in their tumbling falls, they suddenly shone brighter, shooting away and leaving glowing white trails behind them as they zoomed rapidly away.

     Some had already passed above, stretching glowing streams behind them towards the horizon -- what ... ships?  Craft of some sort, maybe like the first one that had slammed into the building?

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

Quote"W...what," he managed, before something incredibly heavy slammed into his back, sending him tumbling heavily across the rooftop.  He clawed to a flat position, relying on his skinsuit to protect him from abrasion and almost climbing to his feet before he even slid to a halt--  But not fast enough to keep the next robot from repeating the tactic, crashing into him and knocking him tumbling again.

>> heavy -> heavily. Might use "immense" or "massive" instead of "incredibly heavy" for the first.

Hunters are really only about human sized, though.  Massive indicates weight, but connotates size.  Immense can indicate weight (or force), but connotates 'lots/hugeness'.

Okay, emphasis on the force not the size ... so instead of being heavy, the attack is forceful.  I used 'slam' as a descriptor, so I should be able to clean that up.  Uh ... no, wait.  I'm thinking about this way too hard; the solution is less words, not more:

Quote"W...what," he managed, before an unexpected force slammed into his back, sending him tumbling heavily across the rooftop.

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteRyouko didn't see her helping the plan much, so pre-emptively toggled the coat to stealth as Nonoko managed to get her arms through it -- and it abruptly shrunk to match.  She vanished from normal human perceptions behind a shield of warped light, though to Nonoko's eyes, she would be wearing the magical girl outfit.  The weapon in her hand had likewise shifted to match her expectations, forming into a long staff capped with a red jewel nestled in a golden crescent.

>> Kyon's coat shrinks to fit the wearer? Where did this come from? Shouldn't even be necessary in the long run (unless you want him struggling to get into the shrunken version later), since Nonoko's not going to make it far on her own feet anyway.

We talked about this in IRC; I'll be omitting this detail now and working it in a later chapter when it's more relevant (it's really only a background detail and doesn't fit well here).

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteHelpless beneath the assault of the overwhelming Noise, confined to her physical form, Kuyou watched helplessly as Kyon -- the one she needed for occultation -- was pinned beneath an aggressive synthetic construct.  There were many in the area, small primitive entities, connected to a larger entity anchored somewhere in the immense construct of steel that was slowly plummeting from the portal overhead.

>> 'slowly plummeting' seems like an oxymoron; plummeting seems to imply speed, an uncontrolled descent.

Terrible word choice on my part.  Inevitably!

Quote from: Halbarad on September 02, 2011, 10:44:57 PM

QuoteHaruhi and the sprite exchanged a look that was strangely identical on both of their faces -- the kind of expression she had seen when her parents were making a concession they didn't want to her.  Hey!  What was that all about?

>> Given that this is second-person Nonoko PoV, 'making a concession' seems like a bit of a complex turn of phrase for her to use.

I may have forgotten she is delerious from fever at that point.  Will simplify! :D

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteResolved to try and speak to Haruhi about it at lunch, which the clock told her would be in twenty minutes, she was startled along with the other students when the entire school-building shook in a low rumble, the windows rattling alarmingly in their frames.  She was embarrassed to cry out, but glad to see she wasn't the only one when the lights flickered briefly.

+ Do you think it's redundant, saying the lights flickered briefly?

Actually, I don't.  Lights can flicker briefly (say, for a second or three) or for an extended period (for example, ten minutes).  Excepting scale issues, flickering is not inherently brief (as I understand it).  There's a halogen light bulb in the hall at work that flickers all day.

I could specify 'flickered twice' or something, if it still bothers you.  Is that better?

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteThere was a single heartbeat of further surprise before her memories of earthquake safety drills took over and she -- along with every other student -- dove beneath their desks head first[,] and hung onto the desk legs.

+ Might suggest removing the bracketed comma and/or removing one repetition of desk.  Not a big, big deal, though.

I wasn't happy with the repetition of desk, but without stretching this into insanely awkward sentences or dragging it out to describe separate actions in detail (which I did try, but just ... was spending way, way too much time trying to get around the fact that the desk is central to the earthquake drill).

Other suggestions?  That don't make it seem that Yanagimoto's grabbing her own legs (I tripped over _that_ a few times, first, which is why the current, awkward, unhappy mess).

WRT the comma, I revised this a bit per Hal's suggestion, so the previous commage issue doesn't line up.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteEveryone was stunned as Kyon looked momentarily surprised, before his expression hardened, and he shot through the door more quickly than Yanagimoto thought he could run.

+ Is there a way to show how people were stunned?  Is it Kyon's surprise that stuns them?

Thought it was pretty obvious that it was the 'school shaking challenge'.

QuoteEveryone was stunned into complete silence as Kyon's expression hardened, and he shot through the door more quickly than Yanagimoto thought he could run.

Better?

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

Quote"Aw, I was just talking 'bout Kyon!" Taniguchi protested, ignoring the teacher's glower[,] and the slow snickering of the surrounding classmates.

+ Not sure about this comma, either.

Dropped.  If I don't reply to a comment, it's because I used it.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteNonoko was not feeling well at all.  Her stomach hurt terribly, and she was thirsty all the time ... but had trouble keeping even water down.  When she wasn't burning up, she was freezing, and even her brother's soothing presence earlier hadn't abated all of her discomfort.

     Her mother murmured, checking her temperature again before sighing.  "Hmm ... if your temperature goes up a single degree further, we're taking you to the hospital," she decided.  "I'll be back in a few minutes, and we'll see if you can handle just a tiny bit of chicken broth, alright?"

+ The transition from "brother" in the first paragraph after break to "mother" in the second feels weird, just for the rhyming nature of them.

...really?  O_o?

Er, okay.  Since it bothered you, the first instance of brother becomes 'Kyon'.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

Quote"I'll tell you more after you say, 'Disable good-child mode!'"

+ Very clever, Ryouko.  Very clever.  Like this scene.

Achakura's fun to write.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteHaruhi pressed herself at full speed to catch up to Kyon, barely keeping in sight, and only reaching him when he skidded to a halt at the top of the interior stairwell.  He had enough time to twist around and catch her when she tackled him -- that'd teach him [try] try and run off into a fight without her again!

+ Probably meant "to" try.

Oops!  Exactly right. :x

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteShe spent a moment to wonder what he was thinking in stunned amazement before she realized they were already alighting on the bottom floor.  He set her down and they both burst into motion together, running past their shoe-lockers to the school's main entrance.

+ Paragraphs like this--I notice you do this a lot, saying that X happens before, after, or when something else happens.  I think the paragraph might be given more impact if restructured without such words.  Ex:
+
+ What was he thinking, catapulting her over the side without even a word of---
+
+ Thud!  Their shoes hit the bottom floor, and they burst into motion together, running past their shoe-lockers...
+
+ (Again, just a thought.)

Here (and elsewhere), I notice we have slightly conflicting stylistic ideals.  You use sound-effects in narration, which I'm not opposed to, but it would be odd for me to do that now, suddenly, after 46 chapters, when I'd always described everything in detail before.  So, that example is quite good (and in retrospect, I wish I had taken the more active style choice), but I don't particularly want to revise all those chapters (again).

That's a minor point.  The more major one:

I don't know if it actually works, but I'm trying for a setup where ... within a single sentence I can present things to the reader in the order I want them to enter the reader's mind.  Sometimes, this does result in things where (as you see above), events are addressed retroactively.

This is _meant_ to indicate importance to the character, like, "I know I should be angry about X, which happened ten seconds ago, but my attention is occupied with Y, which is occuring right now."  I kind of play around with temporality when PoV characters are stressed/confused; this is intentional to make it still understandable to the reader, but convey that disjointed, "Let's pull things together here," kind of mood.

I ... really hope. >_>

If it's not even accomplishing that, maybe I will need to rewrite 46 chapters again! :p

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteObediently, the dark-haired girl abruptly raised one hand, as the sound of the world about them shifted, giving Haruhi the briefest impression of a storm of strangely twisted shadows and haunting voices -- almost like a chorus -- before everything settled to being more-or-less the same.  It felt emptier, even though the same people were standing in the same places.

+ Same sort of thing as above--the "as" feels like it makes the action disjointed.  You could, again for example, end the first sentence at "hand", remove the "as", and most of it would be fine.  "of a storm of" also seems a bit funny, just for the repetition of the same preposition.

I'll take this one, though, because that sentence is just too long and ugly. :p

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteBut now, there were no sounds of traffic or distant yelling.  "So, this is Kuyou's closed space?" she wondered.

+ This is something I've struggled with--use of "now" in past-tense narration.  I don't feel like it's a big problem, but I did think it could stand pointing out.

I remember hesitating at this word choice.  I haven't really done it before, and I think I was using it here as an alternative to _yet another_ 'suddenly' or 'at that moment'.

Come to think of it, 'then' works without being overdramatic.

Aces!

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

Quote"Yeah, but we both know you're too proud to make the deal," Wataru said dismissively.  "But now I can say I've offered."

+ But and but.  Something else to think about: is Wataru's dismissive tone apparent from the dialogue, or does it need saying as you've done it here?

Replaced first instance with 'well'.  I can't tell you if you found Wataru's tone dismissive without the tag; I'd _love_ to know, though.

Do _you_ think it's dismissive?  For what it's worth, every encounter they've had with this guy has been unpleasant for Kyon.

Well: What do I gain by making his speech indicator a flat 'said'?  Alternatively, what about simplifying it to, 'derided'?

Hmm.  I like 'derided'.  I'll go with that.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

Quote"Then it's on you," Wataru decided, shaking his head as space ripped open behind him.  Haruhi winced; the edges of that dark gap made her eyes hurt, and it crackled with a strangely alien energy, showing nothing of whatever lay behind the jagged, irregular edges of the rift.

+ Right now, Haruhi seems to be the main POV character.  The space ripping open is Wataru's action, and Haruhi's reaction is a result of that.  Having them in the same paragraph may make it feel fast.  Again, matter of opinion.  I'm just pointing a lot of these things out for you to pick what you like.

Well, just on particulars, Haruhi should be 'the' PoV character for this scene, not 'the main' PoV character.  Absolutely want to know if I drift into someone else's PoV in a scene (though, it'd be a miracle if I pulled that off; none of my writing is skill at PoV as much as an utter failure at third person omniscient).

Haruhi's reaction is its own paragraph; nice symmetry with her next dialog.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteEither way ... she pulled a spare ribbon from her pocket without hesitation, a thought sending it to wend through the hair of the Kuyou at her side.  No sense letting the two of them get mixed up, after all.  Kuyou seemed unpreturned by the addition of a golden ribbon on her head, done up precisely as Haruhi's was.

+ I'm not even sure what "unpreturned" should be.

Unperturbed.  Heh.

Will teach me to post things unspellechecked!  Sorry for wasting so much of yours and Hal's time with spelling errors. ^_^;;

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteThe other Kuyou shifted her stance very slightly, her voice sounding strangely discordant as she said, "Beginning synchronization."

+ Like before, I think this can be given more impact if it's just, say,
+ ...her voice sounding strangely discordant.  "Beginning synchronization."

Oooh.  I don't ... do that implied non-specific speech indicator thing.  At least, not with this story.

I'll think about this one.  Nah, I don't think I'm going to break from my style for this.  I will make a concession and have alt!Kuyou 'intone' instead of speak, though.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteKyon and Haruhi both stiffened, turning to look at their Kuyou worriedly -- but only for a moment before their attention was brought to another of the painful-to-look-at rifts in space.  This one was much larger, forming in the air directly overhead.  Haruhi stumbled backwards in alarm, unable to make out the scale of the thing.

+ It seems strange to describe both of them stiffening and both of them looking worriedly.  On a lower level, it feels to me that Haruhi must also be paying attention to Kyon in order to notice that.  It could just be the way you handle narration.

Stranger to me to have Kyon vanish from the narrative.  This is the first time Kyon even gets a mention in about eight paragraphs; it felt like a natural way to point out that even if he's been quiet, he's still there with Haruhi, reacting like she is.  Otherwise, I feel that I build an expectation that he's fading away to pull something amazing off (which he's done a few times in this story, but doesn't pull off in this scene).

And yeah, Haruhi is paying attention to Kyon ... but ... I have a hard time seeing her not doing that.  I don't/can't write third person omniscient, so I probably tend to write characters that seem extraordinarily perceptive constantly.

That's something I really have to work on.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteThe boy at her side looked like he was saying something urgently, but she couldn't hear it over the sudden, shaking rumble of some huge airborne craft emerging from the portal.  It streaked overhead before slamming into part of the schoolbuilding before she could more than glimpse it, unleashing a billowing cloud of dust and smoke -- though the portal remained open.

+ I'm not sure if you wanted schoolbuilding as one word.

Nope.  Should be corrected throughout to 'school building'.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteHaruhi pulled her hand free, and then immediately filled it with a brilliantly glowing orb of power.  Tiny beads of light streamed in from all directions, until the single pulsating sphere of energy was abruptly attended by three smaller blueish orbs, these rotating around on separate axis.

+ "and then immediately" really feels like it slows things down, especially because "immediately" is followed by "brilliantly" later on.  The passive voice is somewhat troublesome, but even more so is "these", I think.  I'm not sure what better word there is for how you're using it, but it feels very funny.

I ... don't understand the nature of this complaint.

'Immediate' slows things down?  'Brilliant' connotates something involving 'slowness'?  I shouldn't be using passive voice in any case, but....

No clue what's not working about this for you, so will just rewrite the entire paragraph:

QuotePulling her hand free from Kyon's grip, Haruhi immediately filled it with a glowing orb of powr, dazzling in its intensity.  Tiny beads of light streamed in from all directions, until the single pulsating sphere of energy was abruptly attended by three smaller bluish orbs, which rotated around on separate axis.

Hopefully that's better?  I've got no idea what's wrong, other than the passive voice thing, so I'm completely guessing that this may fix things.  Or make worse problems!

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

Quote"Not this time," she said authoritatively.  The orb floated before her as her hand fell away, hovering in place protectively.  "Kyon, take care of Kuyou-chan -- this time, _I_ get to fight!"

+ Lots of "-ly" adverbs.  Maybe I've taken Stephen King's dislike of adverbs too close to heart.

Eh, I dunno.  I have an intense dislike of modern King.  Classic King, though....  Great stuff.

What's wrong with 'ly' adverbs?  And remember, much of my resistance to your suggestions when they're confusing/difficult is, "I don't want to make changes that require me to rewrite the other 480k words of this story to make it consistent."

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

Quote"Haruhi!" he protested, too late, as Wataru fired -- a beam of light shooting from the tip of his weapon towards Haruhi -- to suddenly be intercepted by the glowing energy that Haruhi had summoned.  The whirling shape zipped back before her, resuming its defensive position, and Kyon took a step backwards, Kuyou drifting along with him.

+ Same sort of thing.  You could do something like "Haruih!" (paragraph) Sound effect!  Wataru fires, etc.  To say that the beam was merely intercepted doesn't feel like it does the scene justice.  It's blocked, it's dissipated, it thins out or something.  There's opportunity here to be very visual.

Hmm.  I think this was a deleted scene.  Yeah, it was, and it didn't save properly when I moved it to snippets.  So, a genuinely lost scene.

Haruhi's little orbs pick up the power from the beam, and I originally had her chuck one at him, but that was a bit too agressive of her.  Better chance to showcase the functionality of the bits anyway (before I get much more drunk):

Quote"Haruhi!" he protested, too late, as Wataru fired -- a beam of light shooting from the tip of his weapon towards Haruhi -- to suddenly be intercepted by the glowing energy that Haruhi had summoned.  The blinding crimson beam vanished into the tiny orb of light, which grew larger and flickered violently, its smaller spinning attendants whirling wildly before settling back down, as the flickering slowly faded.  The whirling shape zipped back before her, resuming its defensive position, and Kyon took a step backwards, Kuyou drifting along with him.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteThe second the explosion died down, [and] he scrambled to his feet, effortlessly sweeping her into his arms; she offered no resistance to him.  Instead, she sent her focus against the false observations; the imposition against the Chorus that the Other was trying to force onto her.

+ I think you want this "and" here.

I ... would if I also dropped the semi-colon?  No, even then it would take some revision....  Otherwise, you're actually turning a complete sentence into a sentence fragment.  Still, it seems a bit more awkward than it should be:

Quote
     The second the explosion died down, he scrambled to his feet, effortlessly sweeping her unresisting form into his arms.  Meanwhile, trusting him to care for her body, she sent her focus against the false observations, the imposition against the Chorus that the Other was trying to force onto her.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteOnce Kyon had gotten to safety, hauling Kuyou along, Haruhi used her telekinesis on the dust before it could expand out, throwing it straight to the ground to prevent it from obscuring the entire battlefield.  Once that was dealt with, she immediately turned her attention to the boy before her, who held his weapon leveled at her expectantly, as though waiting for her to do something else.

+ Perhaps "reached" safety.  I think "immediately" can be cut with no loss.

Going with 'vanished inside' actually.  How sure is Haruhi that's safe? :p

Another reflexive word I didn't really need....  And, dropped.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteBelatedly, she realized that in the disarray of broken walls and scattered desks and assorted other rubble was a distinctly alien mass -- the craft from before.  As she looked more closely, she saw something like a hatch open, disgorging a quartet of spherical entities that ran on a trio of legs, emitting shrill yelps.

+ Instead of "she saw...", perhaps "something like a hatch opened" would do.

I wasn't sure what the issue was until I realized it was repetition to 'looked'.  Yeah, revised. :)

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteScowling, and realizing she'd need to deal with them at some point, she summoned another pair of projectiles, mentally sending one of her orbiting trio to the ground between Wataru and the other Kuyou.  A backwards glance revealed Wataru flinching back from the explosive spray the impact left behind, but most of the blast was deflected by a flickering green barrier of some kind of energy, which quickly disappeared.  Kuyou didn't seem fazed or affected in the slightest.

+ Lots of -ing words, too.  I'd suggest "She scowled.  They'd need to be dealt with at some point.  She summoned..."

Why are these words bad?

QuoteShe'd need to deal with them at some point, she realized with a scowl.  Already in motion away from the boy, she summoned another pair of projectiles, sending one from the array that orbited her to the ground between Wataru and the other Kuyou.  A backwards glance revealed Wataru flinching back from the explosive spray the impact left behind, but most of the blast was deflected by a green barrier of some kind of energy, which disappeared even as she watched.

     Kuyou didn't seem fazed or affected in the slightest.

There.  No 'ing' words.  Better?

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteEven though she expected it, and tried to dodge, the 'watching' figure spat a sudden spray of projectiles at her -- brilliantly glowing things that left dazzling trails of light in their wake.  It seemed to anticipate her sudden change of direction, heading to dive behind a planter with one of the school's hedges, hoping for slight cover.

+ She tries to dodge before the audience sees the spray of projectiles.  Maybe not a big deal, but...

Yeah, hunters have awesome predictive targeting mechanisms.  You really need cover to avoid getting tagged.

Actually, I'm okay with the narrative being tricky like this once in a while.  It's not first person, so I have a bit of leeway without needing a genuinely unreliable narrator.  This is more of my 'messed up temporarily' thing that I was going on about earlier.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteHer defensive orbs intercepted the things, catching and holding them in place before her.  Sprawling behind the hedge, wincing as she skinned her knee lightly on the cement, she let herself loose a shaky laugh as she heard more of the things shooting out, blocked by the short cement planter.  Her relief was short-lived, however, as the brightly glowing things in the orbs suddenly burst explosively.

+ "let herself loose" -> "let out"?  Hm, that wouldn't work with "shooting out" later.  "suddenly burst explosively" is really pushing it, though.

Er ... pushing what?  If there's a rule here I'm breaking, I'd love to know what it is!

Plus, I wanted to use 'loose' correctly in a fic. :(

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteSeizing them from the spheres with her telekinesis, she threw them back at the nearest of the approaching attackers with desperation, momentarily staggered when they struck -- and it exploded into a small pile of debris and an oddly hollow shell.  Her ears were still ringing from the first explosion, and after that seemed to detect some annoying whine that kept rising in pitch.

+ I'm not sure who staggers or who explodes.

She was staggered.  But the exploding thing was an 'it' and Haruhi has a gender.  (Revised.)

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteWhile he wished for a lot of things, Kyon realized he would settle for just one of his weapons ... or even the coat.  Not that he wanted to dismiss the skinsuit, but it just didn't feel adequate.  With a quartet of incoming enemies and no reliable cover, he opted to frantically kick through a window, using his body to shield Kuyou as they dove out.  On the opposite side of the school from Haruhi and Wataru, he realized with dismay, bringing himself and Kuyou down gently, looking around the courtyard between the school building and the clubroom.

+ He realized...what now?

Well, rereading this paragraph:

He realized he would settle for just one of his weapons, or even his armor.

He also realized with dismay that he was on the opposite side of the school from the deranged slider and Haruhi.

This, uh ... seems perfectly clear to me.  I realize I have the bias of the author, and I know what it's supposed to mean, so that shadows my perceptions.  I'm too biased to see what I'm doing wrong based on your question; you'll need to be specific, because I can't see what your complaint is.

Otherwise, I'll just assume, "It was too brief and therefore confusing; throwing more words at it will fix it."  Which ... is not a great solution all of the time (though it does frequently work, and always gets results).

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteHe started, shifting backwards after his landing at the sight of Wataru standing there, somehow, the other Kuyou at his side, staring fixedly at the one at this side.  He almost started to ask, "How?" before realizing it was pointless.

+ He started what now?  Maybe stared?

Er.  I realize it's fading from common use, but it is still proper:

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/start#Noun Definition two.

Sorry. :p

I sometimes still use 'fell' as a synonym for 'evil'!

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteKyon narrowed his eyes, then leapt away, as a trail of glowing flechettes spat out from a classroom window, drawing a line that almost reached him before he landed.  He kept moving, loping across the quad and quickly hopping over a planter to use as cover, setting Kuyou down before peeking out to survey the area.

+ Again, the action is backwards; it's the flechettes that cause Kyon to leap away.

Imagine you're looking at a scene of the main character and you see him leap away -- and then the projectiles landing where he just leapt from. :)

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteThe planter itself shook faintly as he heard the whistling impacts of more flechettes.  Realizing what it meant, he scooped Kuyou back into his arms and quickly dashed for the next planter, sliding to a halt on his knees, narrowly avoiding yet another storm of explosive darts.  As he came to a halt, glancing at his torn and stained pants, the first of the darts began to explode, reminding him of just how little time he had.

+ He realizes what it means, but what does it mean?

Oops.  This was not clear.

He realized it meant his cover would explode (fixed).

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteAs the trail of explosion worked its way over to the planter he was hiding behind, he stared fixedly at the roof of the nearby wing of the school.  There would be a full quad and wing of the school between him and Haruhi -- but he could work his way back down the interior hallway.  That thought in mind, he threw himself up towards the rooftop, hoping that Kuyou could -- as she had before -- give him the extra mileage he needed to reach that height.

+ Repetition of "wing of the school" is a tad distracting.

Yeah, changed to 'school building' for the second instance.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteSome had already passed overhead, stretching towards the horizon -- what ... ships?  Crafts of some sort, maybe like the first one that had slammed into the building?

     But more impressively, casting a shadow that blotted out much of the sky, some enormous metallic structure descended, the base narrow and pointed, tipped like a drill.

+ Use of "some" feels a little weird.

Dozens, then.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

Quote"W...what," he managed, before something incredibly heavy slammed into his back, sending him tumbling heavily across the rooftop.  He clawed to a flat position, relying on his skinsuit to protect him from abrasion and almost climbing to his feet before he even slid to a halt--  But not fast enough to keep the next robot from repeating the tactic, crashing into him and knocking him tumbling again.

+ I think this can be really be improved if this paragraph and the one above are restructured.  Ex:
+
+ ...tipped like a drill.
+
+ "W...what," he managed, staring upward in awe.
+
+ WHAM!  A solid, heavy mass drilled (instead of slammed, because slam rhymes with wham) into his back, sending him tumbling...

That just moves the repetition to 'drill', since one of those (of nearly Gurren Laggan scale) was mentioned in the very paragraph before.  I really don't want confused readers thinking Kyon just got a city center dropped on him.  Also, sound effects in narrative.

I did end up revising this anyway based on your and Hal's comments:

QuoteBut more impressively, casting a shadow that blotted out much of the sky, some enormous metallic structure descended, the base narrow and pointed, tipped like a drill.

     "W...what," he managed, just staring at the thing in amazement.

     While he was distracted, an unexpected force slammed into his back, sending him tumbling heavily across the rooftop.  He clawed his way to a flat position, relying on his skinsuit to protect him from abrasion and almost climbing to his feet before he even slid to a halt--  But not fast enough to keep the next robot from repeating the tactic, crashing into him and knocking him tumbling again.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteOne of them shot towards her -- and she caught it with her telekinesis, summoning a full quartet of defensive attendants before she even tried to climb to her feet again.  They hovered around her as she shakily made her way upright, refirming her resolve as she did, absently tossing the shrapnel aside to find out who had saved her.

+ Reaffirming?  Affirming?

Reaffirming.

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteThe surface beneath them buckled, just as Kyon reached the edge and leapt free.  Behind them, the concrete shattered beneath the stresses it was being subjected to.  Most of the central mass of the building was simply smashed out of the way in a gargantuan, billowing cloud of dust; much of the remaining structure began to collapse because of the reverberations through the ground and underlying support.

+ "Shattered beneath" doesn't really make a lot of sense.

O_o?

Er, here, I think I'll just ask you for an alternative.  What is a good way to describe an amount of force that cannot be withstood by a given object?  Something that implies the force from coming overhead?

Quote from: Muphrid on September 04, 2011, 06:28:09 PM

QuoteRemembering what the sprite had taught her, and ready to fight, Nonoko called out, "Radiant Magical Nonoko -- Set-Up!"

     The sprite made a worried noise instead of a happy one, answering, "Augmented reality targeting system enabled."

     As the first of Haruhi's glowing orbs shot within range of Kyon, the nearest of the robots suddenly spat a stream of brilliantly glowing ... things ... at him, even as Haruhi cried out, "Kyon!"

+ For ending the chapter, this paragraph could be restructured for maximum punch.  Ex:
+
+ The first of Harhi's glowing orbs shot within range of Kyon, but it was too late.  The nearest of the robots spat a stream of brilliantly glowing ... things ... at him, darting past Haruhi's defense.
+
+ "No!" she cried.  "Kyon!"
+
+ (As it is, that's kind of flat, too, though.)

I do love breaking things out for emphasis.

Since it's just a newline, instead of actual paper I'm wasting....  :D