I'm ashamed to say that I've come up with a sequel to sarsaparilla's fic "Kyonko Doesn't Want to Play Today". And it's worse than the straightforward implied ending of mind rape. I was a bit loath to post it, and I'm not asking for a C&C, just general impressions. Less squicky than the original? More squicky? Should this have stayed in the drawer?
Hopefully it'll at least break the writer's block on my actual sane writing.
It does seem a bit perversely fitting. It took me a couple times to see the main thrust of it, the central reason why Haruki wouldn't fight back (aside from lunch, of course). And I have to admit, I laughed a good bit at Kyonko's super-cute mode, as twisted as it was meant to be.
Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on September 16, 2011, 06:48:10 PMHopefully it'll at least break the writer's block on my actual sane writing.
I will read and respond to this in more detail later; for the moment, if you can give me a subject line, I'd like to split the posts about your story out into a new thread.
I ... think I just realized I forgot to comment on another story you posted because it didn't have a new thread, too. Er. These aren't policies, per-se, but I am massively OCD; plus, new story, new commentary thread (we can just post a link back to here for history purposes). :)
Okay, thanks for the heads-up about that rule. I didn't see anything like that in the General Board guidelines:
http://www.soulriders.net/forum/index.php/topic,319.0.html
I was sort of erring on the side of not forcing people subscribed to the entirety of the forum to see duplicate messages like
First message by Arakawa Hey I wrote a new fic.
Second message by Arakawa Hey check out the fic I wrote in the other thread.
I guess that isn't as much of a problem as I was afraid it might be?
As for a subject line, how about
[Dark][Haruhi (gender-flip AU)] Kyonko's Feeling Better Today
I've gone and retitled the fic accordingly.
Ah, sorry if I gave the wrong impression there; there is no rule about this, and you didn't do anything wrong.
It's just me being OCD.
I'll admit, part of it was concern that Sars had declared herself pretty much 'done' with the story, and she might be a bit surprised/confused to see commentary on another fic in the same thread. :p
Another part of it was me thinking, you probably want a new thread to maximize exposure, anyway. ;)
Edit: Ohhh, misunderstood what you meant by duplicate posts initially; the board itself is actually really good about handling that. In that regard, feel free to spam away, generally. Sorry if I gave a bad impression, there, just trying to help, and fumbling it, as usual. >.>
Oh dear, what have I started?
First of all, I don't mind if you want to dig deeper into this particular nightmare, though I don't encourage it either. I've said what I wanted to say, exorcised the thoughts from my head and encased them in a written form, expelled the file and cleaned the keyboard with detergent. I'm done with that particular universe and don't intend to revisit it, ever.
Concerning the actual story, there are some minor inconsistencies in comparison to what I wrote, but nothing that really stands out (you might want to check my final version if you try to invoke Ironic Echo). That said, it is very much your own original vision that differs significantly from mine. My story was a case study of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder) (in particular the 'fanatic' Millon subtype) and if you read the wiki it tells everything worth knowing about my portrayal of Haruki. Your take is ... different, and clearly not just a rehashing of my motifs.
On the whole, the story didn't evoke any strong emotional reaction in me. It's still a cruel, horrible world but it doesn't poke any personal horror of mine, and I have to suspect that it's just because the main premise is outside my limits of experience.
Ah. *blush* We'll, I'm at least glad I don't seem to have alienated anyone (too badly) by posting this. I was trying to figure out why I didn't feel perturbed by your vision of things, so this fic is more or less my attempt to figure out what I would find personally disturbing.
I didn't manage to make your version of Haruki do anything more than stand up and blush because NPD or otherwise I didn't want to touch it with a 6-foot pole... that's sort of a weak point of the fic.
FWIW I'm currently trying to wash it down with the waffiest, most starry-eyed fic idea I can think of. This is all practice stuff, trying to find my range; I don't think there's any particular need to exhibit my take on this story to a wider audience say on ff.net.
Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on September 16, 2011, 06:48:10 PMI'm ashamed to say that I've come up with a sequel to sarsaparilla's fic "Kyonko Doesn't Want to Play Today". And it's worse than the straightforward implied ending of mind rape. I was a bit loath to post it, and I'm not asking for a C&C, just general impressions. Less squicky than the original? More squicky? Should this have stayed in the drawer?
This didn't have quite the impact of the original for me. I think the reason it didn't have as much effect on me is that in the first, Kyonko is completely a victim.
This one, it felt like even if she was losing her self and her control, to some degree she actually was getting the revenge she wanted. Also, Haruki's just ... well, I didn't feel sorry for him at all. >_>;
It did work, though -- I think the biggest thing is a change from suggestions to being much more explicit in the outcome. In some ways, that's more daring, because it's going and looking at the horror head-on. In others, it's a bit more limiting because sometimes you can get people to imagine things worse than you could write. ;)
There's an interesting contrast between the two.
Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on September 17, 2011, 06:14:33 AMI was trying to figure out why I didn't feel perturbed by your vision of things, so this fic is more or less my attempt to figure out what I would find personally disturbing.
Ah, you've already noticed the same. <.<
Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on September 17, 2011, 06:14:33 AMFWIW I'm currently trying to wash it down with the waffiest, most starry-eyed fic idea I can think of. This is all practice stuff, trying to find my range; I don't think there's any particular need to exhibit my take on this story to a wider audience say on ff.net.
In that case, let me say that the style of what you wrote was well handled, and you had a good delivery, too. I thought the implications were of Kyonko somehow becoming Haruhi, at first, with the hairband, and then the 'steal his power' bit (before she backed off).... So, that was kind of creepy, too.
I don't want to complete that thought.
Anyway! It seemed solid writing. :)
Sorry for taking so long to get back to you on this one. >_>;;
Quote from: Brian on September 19, 2011, 11:28:50 PM
This one, it felt like even if she was losing her self and her control, to some degree she actually was getting the revenge she wanted. Also, Haruki's just ... well, I didn't feel sorry for him at all. >_>;
You weren't supposed to feel sorry for Haruki in this one. (I just couldn't manage to write him any more despicably to make that fact more obvious.)
I'd summarize the problem as follows: sars' original fic had a very bad person antagonizing a very sympathetic person. Kyonko as generally agreed upon is much more immediately likeable than Kyon, so she doesn't need much development before you get hurt seeing horrible things happening to her.
My fic just has Kyonko lose her humanity, followed by a scene with one no-longer-likeable person antagonizing another completely unlikable bastard. I'm glad that the Did You Just Punch Out Suzumiya Haruhi moment seems to have worked plausibly. I might even manage to get Slider Yutaka to work properly at this rate.
Quote from: Brian on September 19, 2011, 11:28:50 PMIn others, it's a bit more limiting because sometimes you can get people to imagine things worse than you could write. ;)
Which is why I didn't fill in any details regarding
what Kyonko was doing to Haruki.
Quote from: Brian on September 19, 2011, 11:28:50 PMThere's an interesting contrast between the two.
Which is another reason
not to post it on ff.net -- this fic only works as a dissenting response to the original fic. On ff.net it would be standalone and there's no convenient way to link people to the original (far more important) work.
Posting my waffy fic now :-) Going to be definite influences from 'New Game Plus' in that one...