Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

Okay.  Before reading, you should probably know that I expect that I'll need to re-write a quarter of it at the minimum.

Erg.  I left a laundry list of things I know are wrong with it, but suspect that more people to point out the flaws will help me get this back on track.

Also ... I didn't realize it had been almost a month since the last chapter.  I'm really falling behind. >_>;

Hmm... will C&C later, but for now something for us all to think about.

Quote"Nothing like that," the elder Tsuruya said dismissively, shaking his head. "But she's a target by some unlikable people -- last night, Kyon led the mission to rescue her from some unsavory peoples. The blame for Nonoko-chan being in danger is entirely mine; I should have arranged more protection and greater care for the family of my daughter's most valued supporter!"

That seems a bit... flippant. For the character you seem to be setting up, I'd been hoping that he'd have a more subtle and roundabout way of reassuring everyone that he knew what he was doing. To see exactly how worrying this is, try to picture him apologizing like that to his daughter.

Logically, the guy should be the first to notice the difference between "reassuring authority", and "oh dear, does the man even care about our safety that much?" and nuance his delivery a little.

(Particularly since the whole kidnapping thing is a cover story and he hasn't actually misjudged the amount of protection the Tadamichis were getting; I'm guessing an alien jumping out of Kyon's greatcoat and turning Nonoko into a magical girl is not in the bill of things they protect against?

And if Tsuruya-sama had generously decided to convey the impression that he'd really screwed up, to fulfil his part in the cover-up, he might act a tad more sheepish than he's written here.)

Quote"I hate to think of how sad my daughter would be if my mistake jeopardized the future she's been planning," the green-haired man said slowly.

My impression given the above and the fact that Tsuruya-sama being ya^H^H^H ninkyo dantai makes you check everything he says for veiled threats, is that Kyon's dad is having the living daylights scared out of him right now.

The only way the current dynamic could work is if he already thinks of the Tadamichis as close family, so in talking to them he goes into 'gentle giant mode', and doesn't bother to waste his time engaging in any sort of message control. (Inner thoughts: "Since they're family, it's disingenuous for me to dress such an apology up beyond 'I should've given you more protection, but I screwed up; I'm sorry.'") Kyon's parents, though, see him as being way out in their out-group, and the gap in how they see the nature of their relations could be played for comedy. If you're taking that route, it might be made a bit more clear. Not entirely sure about it - doing that would make him feel more like a Ranma character in terms of how he's constructed. (i.e. his daughter and by extension the people close to her are an arbitrary and gaping blind spot in his otherwise impressive ability to control his communications.)

EDIT: no, that last suggestion is way inconsistent with how he handles himself at other points in the scene.

I don't know, maybe I don't remember the character properly. He seemed somewhat more of an impressive person whenever it was I last encountered him, more like what you have here:

QuoteThe green-haired giant nodded slightly, pulling his cigar from his mouth with a frown and tucking it into his coat pocket with a contemplative look. "I would say that Kyon has done his families proud, personally," the man said slowly. "And that this fault is mine -- but, tell me ... when I told you that your son was working as a bodyguard for my daughter, is it that you somehow thought I was only joking?"

Then again, maybe I've lost the ability to be impressed by the Tsuruya patriarch for complicated reasons and I'd spot similar problems if I went back to re-read (that I'd blissfully ignored before). For some reason I like the character enough to feel strongly about him regardless.

Also not sure how useful this all really is. The character's been around for... how many years now? Since at least your 'Asakura successfully murdered Kyon' fic? Kinda hard to give advice on him, though something about his appearance in this chapter rubbed me wrong this time.

Corrections are in the attachment, as usual.

QuoteAlso: Nonoko's theme song in Credens Justitiam for this chapter, as she is a firm believer in justice! Enjoy~!

Not sure at what exact point that song was supposed to be playing...

I just have a few things, but one of them involves my mental model of what the heck is going on completely imploding. So you might want to pay attention... or it might just be the fact that I'm a lazy reader and it's a month since I saw the last chapter and you should ignore me completely.

QuoteA blast of brilliant energy in a twisted braid shot out,

Bit odd to see it in that order. Consider 'shot out in a twisted braid'?

QuoteHaruhi realized with dismay that the dust had begun to settle, and now ... there was nothing left of Kitago's main structure that resembled a proper building. The bulk of it was smashed beneath the monumental ... thing that had dropped through the portal whirling overhead, and what few parts of the school that hadn't been crushed had collapsed anyway.

It's a bit odd that the rest of the chapter works as though... this was just some back alley brawl that hardly anyone noticed. Whereas as far as someone standing outside school grounds would be able to discern, roughly the following just happened:



Then the only acknowledgment is this:

QuoteA step behind him was another teacher, and behind them, a horde of students who had waited until the lunch chime and were now searching for some sign of the battle they had heard Kyon get called out to. Haruhi took Yuki's and Tsuruya's hands in her own. "Well ... what next then?" she asked Tsuruya expectantly.

Wait... wasn't the school just destroyed? To wit:

Quote
Haruhi realized with dismay that the dust had begun to settle, and now ... there was nothing left of Kitago's main structure that resembled a proper building. The bulk of it was smashed beneath the monumental ... thing that had dropped through the portal whirling overhead, and what few parts of the school that hadn't been crushed had collapsed anyway.

Then we have a scene in which Tsuruya-sama and Kyon's parents talk in a hospital, and Sasaki and Kunikida run into one another. Absolutely no acknowledgment that Kitago was turned into a presumably very noisy war zone earlier that day in either scene.

QuoteShe was surprised to find she didn't have to wait long, though -- shortly after she claimed her position at the front doors, she saw a wavering distortion in space that vanished as suddenly as it arrived, leaving her friends in its wake.

Waaaaait? Were they fighting them in a closed space or something?? That explains why they wouldn't have any effect on the population, but then how would Nonoko have got in?? Not to mention why would the sliders go there??? That's the only explanation I can think of, though...

I'm.... extremely confused? Especially since Halbarad didn't seem to have a problem with it, makes me think either there's some story point I don't remember that he does, or the description of events is somehow unclear so that I'm interpreting it differently from everyone else.

Nuts, after thinking it through I'm so confused I even forgot some typo that I know is there... what was it...

QuoteAs if to underscore that remark, a stray Fanchette broke through their combined defenses, narrowly missing the top of Nonoko's head, and in fact catching a few stray hairs, leaving them to drift down at the girl's slide in an absurdly slow counterpoint. Kyon felt his hands tremble in response to that, and forced himself to still and not squeeze Kuyou too tightly.

Shouldn't that be "drift down at the girl's side"?

They're fighting in Kuyou's equivalent of closed space, yes. Happened in the last chapter, and Kuyou mentions it a few times in this one (her 'shadow-song').

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM
Corrections are in the attachment, as usual.

Excellent.  To the attachment!

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM
Surrounded, and seeing no valid escape routes, Kyon grit his teeth at the incoming projectiles, trying to shield Kuyou and the cat she cradled in her arms with his own body. He heard something -- a shrill, very familiar voice rasping an excited, "Shining Seal -- Project!"
>> Swapped out a comma here for an em-dash.

As always, unless I comment otherwise I used your corrections.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMA flash of light blinded him even as the first Fanchette slammed into his shoulder, not piercing his flesh thanks to the skinsuit but still delivering all of its force. The impact numbed his entire arm almost instantly, only allowing him to keep his balance thanks to the gravity manipulation devices in his skinsuit. The glowing, two-pronged dart fell to his feet, exploding -- and nearly knocking him off balance anew.

>> Restructured the sentence here a bit - something of a run-on before. Also, is Fanchette a reference to something, or just trying to avoid using 'flechette' repeatedly?

Horribly propegated typo. >_>;

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMHis sister had a manic, gleeful grin on her face as she waved around a rod with a red gem at the tip -- surrounded by a golden crescent, even carried as she was by Haruhi. He'd never seen Haruhi look so anxious or scared before, but then, he'd never seen her with blood on her face, either.

>> Nonoko's surrounded by a golden crescent?

Ooh, oops.  The comma after crescent should have been an em-dash to keep it tied to the rod.  I'll reword.

How about:

QuoteHis sister had a manic, gleeful grin on her face as she waved around a rod with a red gem at the tip.  Her weapon was a gleaming sphere, surrounded by a golden crescent, offset by the shining white and blue outfit she was wearing.  Her cheer wasn't even slightly diminished by the fact that she was being carried by Haruhi.

     He'd never seen Haruhi look so anxious or scared before, but then, he'd never seen her with blood on her face, either.  The older girl looked as though she'd taken a blow to the face, her clothing disheveled and singed, her nose and upper lip marked with still drying red stains.  A distant part of his mind noticed that Haruhi was flying -- he'd have to ask her about that later.

Also changed his 'talk' to 'ask,' since he otherwise seemed kind of lke a jerk.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM"I know!" Nonoko gave a bright, confident smile. "That's okay! I understand! I used to be afraid, and needed Kyon-kun to be strong! But I'm not left out; I'm not alone!

>> Tense correction.

I thought about this one for a bit, and I think I'm going to let Nonoko's grammar be incorrect here, since it's still understandable, and she's a semi-delirious child.  Hmm.  I am somewhat tempted to have Kyon correct her grammar, now...

Heh.  Better not.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM"Imouto," Kyon said, his voice as gentle as he could manage, putting on the bright, reassuring smile he hadn't shown her since she'd woken him up crying about a nightmare, long ago. "This is a magical girl's test of pride."

>> Flipping around the idea of a test seems to be good here, but I'm not sure going after pride is the angle to do it from. Not sure what better to suggest offhand, though. Might keep her from folding so fast, though, if you want her to put up a little more of a struggle.

It also helps if whatever the lesson is, it leads (possibly better) into what Nonoko tells to Kuyou, since that's part of the point of the thing.

Really want to make sure that connection stays in, though I'm not sure what it is....  Trust?  I mean, there's a certain horrifying irony in Kyon begging his sister to trust him when he thinks he's justified in not trusting her....  But Kuyou also (seems) to trust Kyon already.  I suppose that scene could be changed to her realizing what trust and the significance of it are?

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMHaruhi felt her heart skip a beat, and saw that the fury that Kyon was not showing, concealing deep within himself was dimmed by that. Some small part of his smile became more genuine, before he turned to Haruhi, his smile vanishing. "Haruhi, I'm sorry to ask this; can you buy me some time?"

>> The first sentence here doesn't work as it stands, not quite sure exactly what you're trying to say here so I'm not certain about rewording it.

Rewrote and clarified.  Since IMO everything is rough and could use some refinement anyway...

QuoteHaruhi felt her heart skip a beat, remembering the significance of that phrase to Kyon.  Hadn't he complained to her, once that more than anything, he wanted her to call him that again?  As she watched, she was certain that some of the anger Kyon wasn't showing had been dimmed by that.  At least briefly, some small part of his smile became more genuine, before he turned to her.  "Haruhi, I'm sorry to ask this; can you buy me some time?"

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMNot quite looking at Ryouko, hovering anxiously between him and his sister, he flipped first one, and then the second of his slider weapons into the air. While they were spinning upwards, before they began to fall, he declared, "Activating Gungnir."

>> Why is Ryouko getting mentioned here? The description of her turns this into a run-on sentence, and she doesn't really have any connection to what's going on (other than to point out that Kyon is ignoring her, which may have some value but could be pointed out a bit more directly).

To remind myself/readers that she's present/Kyon's anger at her, yeah.  Really, this is one of many places I rushed a bit too much.  I'll reword and expand slightly (the chapter won't be hurt by padding).

And so:

QuoteHaruhi was watching for it, and had to wince at the way he didn't _quite_ looking at Ryouko, hovering anxiously between him and his sister.  Taking a deep breath, he flipped first one, and then the second of his slider weapons into the air.  While they were spinning upwards, before they began to fall, he declared, "Activating Gungnir."

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM>> Clarified which axis. >_> Also I understand you're going for effect here, but how exactly is Kyon manipulating them without being in contact with them? Or is it something that Ryouko's managing?

Ryouko, though it's not going to come into narrative unless it's used again from hers or Kyon's PoV.  Haruhi doesn't know; she just thinks it's awesome. :d

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMThe weapon was very like a spear, with a narrow shaft that was as long as Kyon was tall -- but instead of the bladed tip of a spear, the malmetal had formed into a largely triangular structure, struts, narrow guidance fins and ... were those exhaust rockets?

>> Rocket exhaust ports or cones would work better here; all rockets use some form of exhaust, so this is kind of redundant. The noticeable part is where the exhaust comes out.

Shoulda been ports.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM"Fire," he ordered, as Haruhi stared upwards in amazement, and Nonoko allowed an awed gasp. Further than they could see, whatever Kyon's weapons had been, it fired. Even if they couldn't see the details, its location was easily visible; it glowed like a brilliant red sun, shedding out visible rays in all directions.

>> Second sentence here is pretty awkward. Again, not quite sure what you're intending to say here, so I'll leave it to you for the rephrase.

Yeah, I should probably have made myself stick with this for one more look-over before putting it up. :x

Quote"Fire," he ordered, as Haruhi stared upwards in amazement, and Nonoko allowed an awed gasp.  From further away than they could see, whatever Kyon's weapons had turned into glowed like a brilliant red sun, shedding out visible rays in all directions.  Even if they couldn't actually see it, the source of the spearing light beams was obvious.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM"Basically, it's just like a satellite that floats up high enough to pick a charge off any of the ambient electrical forces that Yuki-chan told me were in the atmosphere," he explained. "It can anchor itself against the magnetosphere and stay there. Then, I tell it where to fire."

>> I'm presuming it's powering itself off charged particles from the magnetosphere - the same thing that causes the aurora borealis. Not really important to get into detail on in the story, but I'm attempting to satisfy my own curiosity. =P

That or sprites!

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMHaruhi gritted her teeth, scowling, and made a fist of one hand, thrusting it up in the air forcefully -- and simultaneously jerking the large, flat piece of rubble he was standing on away from the pile, launching it into the overhead structure.

>> Tense correction. Could probably also simplify Haruhi's action as just punching the air above her.

Got it:

QuoteHaruhi gritted her teeth, scowling, and punched upward into the empty air before her -- simultaneously jerking the large, flat piece of rubble he was standing on away from the pile, launching it into the overhead structure.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMThe slider released a satisfying yelp of alarm as he fell off his perch, his body briefly surrounded by that same green, protective field until he scrambled to his feet, ignoring the concrete that powdered itself to rubble on the wall of the thing behind him. Kyon stared at Wataru with an expression Haruhi couldn't recognize -- except to know that she didn't like it.

>> Could probably stand to split the first sentence here into two.

Decided to try and split it further, too.

QuoteThe slider released a satisfying yelp of alarm as he fell off his perch, slipping towards a jagged pile of debris.  Before he struck it, he suddenly slowed, his body briefly surrounded by that same green, protective field.  The glow remained until he scrambled to his feet, ignoring the concrete that powdered itself to rubble on the wall of the structure behind him.  Kyon stared at Wataru with an expression Haruhi couldn't recognize -- except to know that she didn't like it.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMReady for almost anything, when a solid, pulsating sphere of golden energy, smaller than her own, but radiating unstable power was launched from his weapon, she was amazed that she could grab it with her telekinesis effortlessly. For a heartbeat, she was tempted to fling it back at him, as he stared in confusion, but instead, she hurled it at the building behind him.

>> Awkward first sentence here. Poke me on IRC to rework if you want, I'm not quite sure how to attack it off the top of my head.

I think I got it.  Just chop it into smaller pieces.  I'm frequently running at less than three sentences per paragraph as it is.

QuoteHaruhi tried to keep herself ready for almost anything.  When a solid, pulsating sphere of golden energy -- smaller than her own, but radiating with unstable power -- launched from the weapon she was actually startled to realize her first attept at countering it worked.  Telekinesis allowed her to hold the thing in place effortlessly, instead of letting it fly towards her, Kyon, and Nonoko.  For a heartbeat, she was tempted to fling the trembling orb of pulsating energy back at Wataru, as he stared in confusion ... but instead, she stared straight at him as she launched it at the building behind him.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM"Y...you're a fairy person, too, right? Don't you have more power when you don't spend your strength to keep a larger form? D...don't be too proud!"

>> This... seems a little odd, actually. Nonoko's barely ever even met Kuyou, and while she's certainly got the wrong-genre savvy going, this seems to be a bit of a leap even for her. The end result is fine and works for the story, but there might be a better way to get from point A to B.

Okay.  I'm thinking 'trust' (mentioned above earlier) may work better, though it's pushing a lot more potential unpleasantness with my gleeful excess of Nonoko/Tomoe Mami references (oh, snap; Nonoko's gotta mumble that she wants cake after she passes out; aces!).  Mm, nah, I think it'll work, and we just need to have Kuyou behave in a way that Nonoko can interpet as reluctance/hesitation.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMAs the Other chose that moment to resume the attack, she opened herself up to it, allowing the other to try to synchronize with her, even as she synchronized herself to Ryouko. A small cluster of memetics from the other girl, modified by the small entity that Kyon's sister now clutched in her hands resonated, and she uttered her own response to the Other, "Synchronize with this: Activate 'chibi-mode'."

>> 'Synchronize with this' seems a little too flippant/colloquial for Kuyou, but what do I know? =P

Hmm.  I could justify it if she's copying someone else, but that's pretty much Haruhi (if anyone in the cast).  I think it'll work better if she either tries to emulate Kyon, Ryouko, or Nonoko.  If she goes Ryouko, then Kuyou temporarily becomes a creepy stepford smiler to her opposite, and I'm ... not sure what if she goes Nonoko, except for acting like she really _was_ a magical-girl mascot (potentially funny).  Probably best to go with Ryouko?

If this is also tying into the 'trust' thing, Kuyou already has pretty much absolute trust for Kyon, but maybe learning the significance of it, and that she can't trust others (Others)?

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMDrawing a breath, Haruhi set Kuyou on her shoulder, where she adjusted her gravity functions to effortlessly stick there. Then the taller girl put one hand on Nonoko's shoulder and pulled her close. "Imouto, we work together, right? So, let me show you something, too! This lesson is not difficult. First! Concentrate your mind!"

>> While the idea of using Nonoko for this is highly amusing, exactly what is she contributing here? And given how tense the situation is just in having her here, why would Haruhi risk getting Kyon more upset by getting her involved in something she doesn't need to be?

Eh, Haruhi's kind of the center of her normal defenses and Kyon's effectively on minimal defenses still.  Near Haruhi is probably the safest place on the battlefield at the moment.

I think I need to make this clearer; Nonoko's just being given a front-row seat and being allowed to feel important, really.  Also (though this part I'm trying to be somewhat more subtle about), Haruhi gets _extremely nervous_ when Kyon is upset, so though she wouldn't admit it to herself, keeping Kyon's sister close (and safe) is part of her way of trying to show him that everything's going to be okay.

Er.  I ... think this is from Kuyou's Pov, so that'll be somewhat tricky.  Well, I guess she can at least note that Nonoko's not contributing significant energy.  Hmm.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMNearly at her limits, Kuyou was almost relieved when Haruhi concluded with a shout, yelling, "Finally! Unleash your annihilation of love! Master Spark!"

>> I'd draw out SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK but that's just me. =P

Very well!

How about:

QuoteNearly at her limits, Kuyou was almost relieved when Haruhi concluded with a shout, yelling, "Finally!  Unleash your annihilation of love!  _Master Spa~ark_!"  The last sylable stretched for a long moment, the girl drawing it out as she unleashed the last of the energy she was adding to the attack.

I've mostly managed to avoid a lot of drawing things out except with the use of tildes (which is what they're actually for)! :D

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMTaking a deep breath, Tsuruya forced a smile she didn't -- quite -- feel. Though she didn't know what was happening, she knew where Kyon had vanished, at least. Koizumi was handling the administrative side of things with the school as much as they could, within proper channels.

>> I'd offset 'quite' in italics here rather than in em-dashes.

Ooh, good call.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMShe was halfway across the distance between them when she took in the details. Tsuruya had seen Kyon angry once, and his current expression showed that his dissatisfaction went deeper than it had that one distant time. Her own smile vanished, especially when she took in Haruhi, her clothing torn and singed, a rime of dried blood beneath her nose. Worst of all, wearing only her pajamas, Kyon's little sister wobbled unsteadily at Haruhi's side, for some reason carrying Kyon's cat in her arms.

>> The last sentence here is a bit heavy on the comma splices.

MOAR COMMA!

Er.  I mean. >.>;;

QuoteWorst of all, Kyon's little sister wobbled unsteadily at Haruhi's side, for some reason carrying Kyon's cat in her arms and wearing only her pajamas.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMRyouko had shifted to a form with crystalline fairy wings, hovering anxiously over Nonoko's shoulder, while Kuyou had shrunk to the same size, floating weightlessly at Haruhi's shoulder while staring fixedly at Kyon.

>> Perhaps 'by Haruhi's ear' (or head) to avoid repetition here?

I think just 'by Haruhi' should be fine, but good catch. :p

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMHolding Kyon's sister effortlessly, Yuki added, "She will sleep for three hours as her symptoms appear to fade gradually; she is no longer at risk."

>> Just as a fridge logic thing, is this really a great idea? The idea of Nonoko being sick does suck, but to have been that ill, to then be 'kidnapped' and her symptoms are gone within hours is going to look really fishy. Granted, Akane is going to have -plenty- on her mind for the next few days, but still.

Yeah, that's true -- but they also have the hospital staff on their side.  Hmm.

The biggest risk is Nonoko, but with the rewrite to focus on trust, I can probably leave her coherent enough to agree to help them tell the story (and pretend to be sick for a while after she gets better) to make sure things look good for the others.  Really, I think that's what that scene can use (along with a few more of Nonoko's 'Nii-san's to wear away at Kyon's irritation).

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMYuki nodded once, very slowly. "Then, that is how I feel when you threaten Kyon."

>> Yuki calling him Kyon?

Typo.  Should be 'him'.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMWaving a hand dismissively, Tsuruya explained, "Ninkyo dantai business; you mentioned that Takahashi needed to be framed for something by today? Well! Now you don't need to worry about it!"

>> Is there a bridge between these two ideas that I missed? We went straight from excuses for Kyon's mother to framing Takahashi, with no apparent connection between the two. If she's trying to brush the issue with Akane aside, making that a bit more clear would be helpful.

Easily done:

QuoteWaving a hand dismissively, Tsuruya explained, "Ninkyo dantai business; you mentioned that Takahashi needed to be framed for something by today?  Well!  Now you don't need to worry about it!  We'll make it clear that this is Takahashi's fault, and not yours -- so she'll have nothing to blame you for!"

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMBefore seeing the group off in the car that Tsuruya had called when Kyon first disappeared, Yuki invoked one of her changes to clean Haruhi up -- and heal her scrapes and bruises. Haruhi almost heaved a sigh of relief that he calmed down, but felt an urge to blush until her skin burned, that he cared about her so obviously.

>> Last sentence here is a bit awkward. Maybe: "Haruhi almost heaved a sigh of relief that he'd calmed down, but the thought that he cared about her so obviously gave her the urge to blush until her skin burned."

Minor rewrite; may not quite address things:

QuoteBefore seeing the group off in the car that Tsuruya had called when Kyon first disappeared, Yuki invoked one of her changes to clean Haruhi up -- and heal her scrapes and bruises.  Haruhi almost heaved a sigh of relief that he calmed down, but her previous irritations were replaced with almost equally uncomfortably blush that he was so obvious about his concern.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM"Yes," the figure answered, not as cheerful as Haruhi was used to hearing her sound. Though ... Ryouko expressing a wider array of emotions was new, and probably good ... it was also unsettling to see the almost eternally-cheerful chibi so morose. Still ... it was nothing short of a miracle that Yuki or Kyon hadn't been harder on her.

>> Lots of ellipses here. I'd replace the second one with a ', but' splice.

Good call.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMYuki blinked at that, looking the faintest bit confused. "Why not?" she asked.

>> Yuki's getting better about asking for clarification, it's true, but for some reason having her ask directly here (or like this) seems a little off.

I can leave it at just 'why', but I'm ... not sure how else I see her asking.  Suggestion?

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMMost importantly, of course, was the fact that his little sister was curled up asleep in his lap. She envied the smaller girl a little bit, but quickly shoved it away -- they were brother and sister, and anyway, she'd been sneaking into his bed with the others lately anyway.

>> Nuked a comma. You're also repeating 'anyway' in the last sentence.

Dropped the first one (and its following comma, also).  <.<

Or rather.  I would.  This whole scene is going to be cut and rewritten from the ground up; I'm not particularly happy with it.  I got a very good suggestion to try it from Yuuto's viewpoint, and I think that'll fix a lot of things.

Among other problems (as has been pointed out) the fact that Kanae doesn't ever refer to Kyon by (nick)name and doesn't know the names of half of these people. :x

Yuuto knows the names of everyone who's speaking, and him being fuzzy on Kanae and Mikuru just means it's easier to justify not giving them screen-time in the do-over.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMThe green-haired giant nodded slightly, pulling his cigar from his mouth with a frown and tucking it into his coat pocket with a contemplative look. "I would say that Kyon has done his families proud, personally," the man said slowly. "And that this fault is mine -- but, tell me ... when I told you that your son was working as a bodyguard for my daughter, is it that you somehow thought I was only joking?"

>> Getting here is good, but maybe taking a little bit more time and Akane blowing off what he's saying before he drops that one on her? It kind of comes out of nowhere.

That'll be a consideration for the rewrite for pacing; I expect much of the conversation will follow the same structure up to this point.  And then ... probably, I would be better served with a tension-breaker scene.  Hm.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM"So -- this business, this kidnapping.... Your son has an acquaintance -- you know her as Sasaki, I believe?"

>> I understand that he doesn't want to come straight out and say that he's yakuza here, but this seems almost a little -too- oblique.

Right, more clarity from Tsuruya-sama next time.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMKanae felt a little embarrassed that she was overhearing such things, but didn't really want to move from Mikuru's comforting embrace -- unless, possibly, it was into her sempai's. Judging by Akane's expression, that wasn't the best idea at the moment.

>> It amuses me to note that Kanae is an anagram for Akane (in English, at least. Not so much in Japanese).

Ooh, that's unintentional awesome. :D

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMIrked by thoughts like that, she went home and prepared for cram school, deftly avoiding her mother by leaving a few minutes early.

>> I'd use 'Irked by such thoughts' at the beginning here, although what you have works fine.

I'll go with your suggestion.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMThen again, Kyon wore the same pin, and even though she felt guilty to admit it, Sasaki aspired to earn one of her own some day.

>> I might throw in that she's got that aspiration because of Kyon here. I seriously doubt she'd be looking at organized crime if not for that. >_>

Sasaki: "Well, practically speaking, it does bother me to see such capable people so disorganized."

Er.  Yes. :p

QuoteThen again, Kyon wore the same pin, and even though she felt guilty to admit it, Sasaki aspired to earn one of her own to be able to work at his side some day.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PM"No," Kunikida admitted, his neutral expression shifting to a frown. "He's.... He's probably fine, though! He beat up those other guys without any problem, so I'm sure this guy was nothing for him, either!"

>> Which 'other guys'? The only one that Kunikida should be aware of Kyon actually -fighting- would be Ryuguu; Yamane was just dangled out of a window. Granted, he's done a lot more than just that, but not in Kunikida's awareness.

Hmm, Tsuruya mentioned that he'd fought others for her before when asked, but Yanagimoto also defused that particular rumor bomb.  Yeah, I can revise that.

Quote"No," Kunikida admitted, his neutral expression shifting to a frown.  "He's....  He's probably fine, though!  He beat up one of the ringleaders of that vouyer photography ring a while back, so I'm sure this guy was nothing for him, either!"

Okay!  Thank you very much for the commentary! :D

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 10:58:35 PM
They're fighting in Kuyou's equivalent of closed space, yes. Happened in the last chapter, and Kuyou mentions it a few times in this one (her 'shadow-song').

Gyaah! Stupid, lazy me! Far too lazy to properly read and decipher Kuyou's MCSE psychobabble, apparently!

I was actually debating with myself whether to post that particular objection, and in the end I decided to throw it out there. Assuming that other fairly casual readers of K:BDH might suffer the same problems given over a month has passed since the chapter where that was presumably explained...

Thank you for saving Brian from having to respond to my thickheadedness on this point.

Though now I have to re-read the previous chapters to figure out exactly when and how Nonoko managed to get in...

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 02, 2011, 10:50:34 PM

QuoteAlso: Nonoko's theme song in Credens Justitiam for this chapter, as she is a firm believer in justice! Enjoy~!

Not sure at what exact point that song was supposed to be playing...

Right when Nonoko is quoting Tomoe Mami and saying that she's not afraid of anything anymore.

And when she loses some hair from a shot that would probably have hit her if she were just a bit taller....

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 02, 2011, 10:50:34 PMI just have a few things, but one of them involves my mental model of what the heck is going on completely imploding. So you might want to pay attention... or it might just be the fact that I'm a lazy reader and it's a month since I saw the last chapter and you should ignore me completely.

Alrighty.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 02, 2011, 10:50:34 PM

QuoteA blast of brilliant energy in a twisted braid shot out,

Bit odd to see it in that order. Consider 'shot out in a twisted braid'?

Yes; word order suffered in a few places. :x

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 02, 2011, 10:50:34 PMWaaaaait? Were they fighting them in a closed space or something?? That explains why they wouldn't have any effect on the population, but then how would Nonoko have got in?? Not to mention why would the sliders go there??? That's the only explanation I can think of, though...

I'm.... extremely confused? Especially since Halbarad didn't seem to have a problem with it, makes me think either there's some story point I don't remember that he does, or the description of events is somehow unclear so that I'm interpreting it differently from everyone else.

Nuts, after thinking it through I'm so confused I even forgot some typo that I know is there... what was it...

I hate when that happens.

So ... Kuyou generates what she calls a 'shadow song', which is a copy of the solar system that extends about an AU and a half from the sun, which she uses as a sandbox to test changes before committing them to reality.  It also makes a super-convenient place to shuffle the sliders off to for combats, since Kuyou can, (for example) throw Kimidori Emiri completely through the planet (thus causing that particular copy of Earth to be destroyed/Emiri to become quite miffed) without any reprecussions in the real world.

In the last chapter, it was brought up again that it existed, and the transition was described; it was also one of Haruhi's Tohou references, calling it a Spooky Action at a Distance spellcard. :p

It's my fault for taking so long to put out a new chapter.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 02, 2011, 10:50:34 PM

QuoteAs if to underscore that remark, a stray Fanchette broke through their combined defenses, narrowly missing the top of Nonoko's head, and in fact catching a few stray hairs, leaving them to drift down at the girl's slide in an absurdly slow counterpoint. Kyon felt his hands tremble in response to that, and forced himself to still and not squeeze Kuyou too tightly.

Shouldn't that be "drift down at the girl's side"?

It will be!

With regards to your commentary on the Tsuruya scene, that feedback (and commentary elsewhere) have convinced me that it's the part that most needs to be re-written.  I'm probably going to break it into two scenes, both from Yuuto's PoV, and probably put a tension-breaking scene in the middle from Kanae/Mikuru's PoV to give them some screentime and show why they're not in the conversation.

Hmm. Probably that'll be them looking out for Kyon/his sister somehow; that'll take some consideration.

Okay, thanks for the feedback; this was very helpful.  I'll try and have a revised draft for those new scenes up in a day or three. :D

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 02, 2011, 11:04:29 PMThough now I have to re-read the previous chapters to figure out exactly when and how Nonoko managed to get in...

Ryouko brought her in; I think that was mentioned last chapter, too.

Quote from: Brian on October 02, 2011, 11:01:39 PM
It also helps if whatever the lesson is, it leads (possibly better) into what Nonoko tells to Kuyou, since that's part of the point of the thing.

Really want to make sure that connection stays in, though I'm not sure what it is....  Trust?  I mean, there's a certain horrifying irony in Kyon begging his sister to trust him when he thinks he's justified in not trusting her....  But Kuyou also (seems) to trust Kyon already.  I suppose that scene could be changed to her realizing what trust and the significance of it are?

Actually, going after trust would work rather well. It's something she wants to earn from Kyon, certainly, and given that she's in control of his gear he needs her to trust him that he can handle the situation better than she can. Plus the extra tie-ins to Kuyou later.

Quote from: Brian on October 02, 2011, 11:01:39 PM
Hmm.  I could justify it if she's copying someone else, but that's pretty much Haruhi (if anyone in the cast).  I think it'll work better if she either tries to emulate Kyon, Ryouko, or Nonoko.  If she goes Ryouko, then Kuyou temporarily becomes a creepy stepford smiler to her opposite, and I'm ... not sure what if she goes Nonoko, except for acting like she really _was_ a magical-girl mascot (potentially funny).  Probably best to go with Ryouko?

If this is also tying into the 'trust' thing, Kuyou already has pretty much absolute trust for Kyon, but maybe learning the significance of it, and that she can't trust others (Others)?

Ryouko would work nicely, especially if Kyon picks up on the expression.

Quote from: Brian on October 02, 2011, 11:01:39 PM
I think I need to make this clearer; Nonoko's just being given a front-row seat and being allowed to feel important, really.  Also (though this part I'm trying to be somewhat more subtle about), Haruhi gets _extremely nervous_ when Kyon is upset, so though she wouldn't admit it to herself, keeping Kyon's sister close (and safe) is part of her way of trying to show him that everything's going to be okay.

Er.  I ... think this is from Kuyou's Pov, so that'll be somewhat tricky.  Well, I guess she can at least note that Nonoko's not contributing significant energy.  Hmm.

Somewhat uncomfortable thought, but in that vein it might also be an unconscious/reflexive way of making sure that he directs his anger away from -her-, too. It's not really like she has any reason to worry about it here, but she's been the subject of that anger before, and so unconsciously trying to avoid it seems like it wouldn't be out of character.

Quote from: Brian on October 02, 2011, 11:01:39 PM

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 03:20:05 PMYuki blinked at that, looking the faintest bit confused. "Why not?" she asked.

>> Yuki's getting better about asking for clarification, it's true, but for some reason having her ask directly here (or like this) seems a little off.

I can leave it at just 'why', but I'm ... not sure how else I see her asking.  Suggestion?

I'm not really sure, which is why I didn't make one. Can't really justify why this seems off, just seemed a little weird. Leaving it as is would probably be fine, I'm probably making something out of nothing.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 11:28:27 PMActually, going after trust would work rather well. It's something she wants to earn from Kyon, certainly, and given that she's in control of his gear he needs her to trust him that he can handle the situation better than she can. Plus the extra tie-ins to Kuyou later.

Okay, Trust it is.  Not sure why I felt pride was a good fit for Nonoko anyway.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 11:28:27 PMRyouko would work nicely, especially if Kyon picks up on the expression.

Alrighty; excellent.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 11:28:27 PMSomewhat uncomfortable thought, but in that vein it might also be an unconscious/reflexive way of making sure that he directs his anger away from -her-, too. It's not really like she has any reason to worry about it here, but she's been the subject of that anger before, and so unconsciously trying to avoid it seems like it wouldn't be out of character.

That had occured to me as well.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 02, 2011, 11:28:27 PMI'm not really sure, which is why I didn't make one. Can't really justify why this seems off, just seemed a little weird. Leaving it as is would probably be fine, I'm probably making something out of nothing.

Okay.  I will make it a simple 'why?' anyway, though. :)

Thanks again. :D

QuoteSurrounded, and seeing no valid escape routes, Kyon grit his teeth at the incoming projectiles, trying to shield Kuyou and the cat she cradled in her arms with his own body. He heard something, a shrill, very familiar voice rasping an excited, "Shining Seal -- Project!"

Somehow, I get the image that Kyon gritting his teeth at said projectiles is supposed to make them shudder in mid-air or something.  Just a thought, though.

QuoteHis sister had a manic, gleeful grin on her face as she waved around a rod with a red gem at the tip -- surrounded by a golden crescent, even carried as she was by Haruhi. He'd never seen Haruhi look so anxious or scared before, but then, he'd never seen her with blood on her face, either.

The older girl looked as though she'd taken a blow to the face, her clothing disheveled and singed, her nose and upper lip marked with still drying red stains. A distant part of his mind noticed that Haruhi was flying -- he'd have to talk to her about that later.

"Face" at the end if the first paragraph and near the beginning of the second are somewhat close together.  Then again, "blow to the head" may not be enough of what you're going for.

Quote"Multiple lock-on confirmed!" Ryouko exclaimed, her eyes wide. "Targeting queue is at one thousand, three hundred and thirty seven locks of a possible sixty five thousand five hundred and and thirty five!"

"and and" has probably already been pointed out.  Refresh me on proper puncutation of numbers here:  I think you want "sixty-five thousahnd, five hundred and thirty-five"?

QuoteHaruhi's eyes widened as Wataru's cocky grin was instantly replaced with a hateful sneer. "I saved my world!" the other boy screamed, whipping one of his weapons from his holster, bringing up a cylinder that shifted into a sleek black weapon, marked with red highlights. "I bargained to save my people!"

I think this highlights some of the difference in how we go about things.  To me, especially with Haruhi has the POV character for the scene so far, talking about how her eyes react is...I dunno, distracting?  It takes focus off Wataru.  I think I know what you're trying to do; it does show Haruhi's surprise or shock, and I'd be hard-pressed to say I knew a great alternative.  The best I would do would be to emphasize the emotional reaction that underlies the physical response--for example, saying that his sneer gives Haruhi a chill or something.  Part of what may bother me about this is the ordering, but I know you think about ordering carefully, too.  I don't necessarily thing there's any clear-cut reason to restructure this.  I only wish to bring attention to it because it's interesting to notice the difference.

QuoteReady for almost anything, when a solid, pulsating sphere of golden energy, smaller than her own, but radiating unstable power was launched from his weapon, she was amazed that she could grab it with her telekineses effortlessly. For a heartbeat, she was tempted to fling it back at him, as he stared in confusion, but instead, she hurled it at the building behind him.

I'm not sure I understand the construction at the beginning of this paragraph.  I also think the sentence can be restructured along the lines of "...she grabbed it with her mind, amazed that her telekinesis made the task effortless..." or something.  That's doesn't make me entirely happy (since I'd be introducing clumsy wordage about tasks and stuff).  I dunno.  I think the emphasis may be better served on the grabbing instead of the amazement?

Also, "telekinesis", I think?

QuoteWhen her eyes turned back to Wataru, the boy was trembling, the hand reaching for his next weapon caught in Kuyou's hands-- No, the other Kuyou, Haruhi realized, frowning. This one had no hair band. Her eyes fixed on Wataru, and her discordant voice -- carrying across the distance even though she didn't raise it -- announced, "Go ... home. No ... use ... here."

"the hand"?  Whose hand?  His?

Quote"And make sure you know where Sasaki," Haruhi added. "Really, she's a liability, so if you're making sure she's somewhere she can't be used against us, that'll be perfect -- you can call them, right, Kyon?"

Where Sasaki...is?

QuoteThough she still looked angry, the boy's mother turned to look at the elder Tsuruya in confusion. "You know what's going on here?" she pressed. "What ... foolishness Kyon's gotten himself into? Your daughter called to say that Kyon-kun somehow rescued Nono-chan?"

The honorific usage here seems inconsistent?

Quote"Nothing like that," the elder Tsuruya said dismissively, shaking his head. "But she's a target by some unlikable people -- last night, Kyon led the mission to rescue her from some unsavory peoples. The blame for Nonoko-chan being in danger is entirely mine; I should have arranged more protection and greater care for the family of my daughter's most valued supporter!"

The repetition of "people" seems a bit clumsy, like you could replace "some unsavory peoples" with "some of them" and have no loss of meaning--at least, if I'm parsing all this correctly.


Maximum cleverness points to Kyon for turning the Magical Girl's test into one of pride instead of courage or anything else that would've put everyone in a real jam.

Oops, won't be able to give this a proper reply until later tonight, I think. :x

Thanks for the reply in the meantime, though. :D

Hmm, thought experiments to see how I'd have handled the confusion between shadowsong and real space.

Looking at the rubble of the school, Haruhi could say (could be played for irony) that it's a relief they didn't have to do this to the real school.

More involved idea (needs retcon): shadowsong works somewhat differently (almost-but-not-quite-the-same) from real space, and everyone is slightly disoriented on entering or exiting it (though it doesn't affect their ability to do battle, in any meaningful fashion). Some gimmick on this level might have given an opportunity to add fairly natural descriptions that make the state of the space - who goes in and who comes out, and who's in the space recently as opposed to for quite some time ago - fairly explicit, throughout the entire battle as opposed to just the beginning.

The second idea especially is just a thought experiment, not an actual suggestion *_*

Fanfic writers have it hard. The Madoka writers got away with calling their alternate dimensions 'barriers' because it's obvious it's an alternate dimension ohmigod look at the animation it's all freaky. (Even then I was thoroughly confused as to whether Walpurgisnacht exists in a barrier or not, because the animation cues that made it extremely obvious for the other witches were almost completely absent.) As for the Haruhi novels, Tanigawa isn't juggling six jillion different sci-fi gimmicks in the original novels, he's got just a few so he can afford to spend time repeatedly hammering in every single nuance of how they appear to work.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 03, 2011, 06:13:32 PMHmm, thought experiments to see how I'd have handled the confusion between shadowsong and real space.

Looking at the rubble of the school, Haruhi could say (could be played for irony) that it's a relief they didn't have to do this to the real school.

I ... don't think it's going to be a huge issue that readers will forget about the shadow-song, but I'll throw in more reminders about it -- Kyon wondering how his sister got inside before he glares at Ryouko might be good.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 03, 2011, 06:13:32 PMMore involved idea (needs retcon): shadowsong works somewhat differently (almost-but-not-quite-the-same) from real space, and everyone is slightly disoriented on entering or exiting it (though it doesn't affect their ability to do battle, in any meaningful fashion). Some gimmick on this level might have given an opportunity to add fairly natural descriptions that make the state of the space - who goes in and who comes out, and who's in the space recently as opposed to for quite some time ago - fairly explicit, throughout the entire battle as opposed to just the beginning.

Mph.  Massive spoiler ahead on Kuyou and her nature:
[/spoiler][/spoiler]
Long and short of it: Her copy of the universe should be exactly like the real one, or way, way more alien. >_>;;

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 03, 2011, 06:13:32 PMFanfic writers have it hard. The Madoka writers got away with calling their alternate dimensions 'barriers' because it's obvious it's an alternate dimension ohmigod look at the animation it's all freaky. (Even then I was thoroughly confused as to whether Walpurgisnacht exists in a barrier or not, because the animation cues that made it extremely obvious for the other witches were almost completely absent.) As for the Haruhi novels, Tanigawa isn't juggling six jillion different sci-fi gimmicks in the original novels, he's got just a few so he can afford to spend time repeatedly hammering in every single nuance of how they appear to work.

Walpurgis has no barrier -- that's why you never see her name appear.

I have to say that I clicked through your multi-layer spoiler and I have to say that it didn't really spoil much for me personally because I have no clue what that implies for the story as it stands now.

Again, I'm no good with
[/spoiler][/spoiler]

EDIT: regarding Walpurgis having no barrier, that's what I figured too, except I don't think we ever see any of the ordinary humans notice "oh my god there's a giant gear woman thing in the sky throwing skyscrapers around instead of just the typhoon they were warning us about". Again, it's fairly odd.

...probably not, since her character growth is generally to become comprehensible, so there should be less and less techno-babble moving forward. >_>

Hi. I am the same "Specular" from TVTropes forum.

After mulling it over for a while I decided just to read the draft. These are my observations:

Quote
When her eyes turned back to Wataru, the boy was trembling, the hand reaching for his next weapon caught in Kuyou's hands-- No, the other Kuyou, Haruhi realized, frowning. This one had no hair band. Her eyes fixed on Wataru, and her discordant voice -- carrying across the distance even though she didn't raise it -- announced, "Go ... home. No ... use ... here."

"Ribbon" instead of "hair band" according to the last chapter.

Quote
"I'll admit, I had some doubts when he first helped my daughter, and I was suspicious that he didn't even request money after fighting off a dozen men to save her -- but your son is without a doubt the fastest rising star in my organization.  As I say, he has saved my daughter from gave harm -- or worse -- several times," he continued, shaking his head.  "I apologize if this is a surprise to you, but your son is quite an asset to us.

Typo: "grave harm" instead of "gave harm".

Quote
"No," Kunikida admitted, his neutral expression shifting to a frown.  "He's....  He's probably fine, though!  He beat up one of the ringleaders of that vouyer photography ring a while back, so I'm sure this guy was nothing for him, either!"

Typo: "voyeur" instead of "vouyer".

Besides the things already discussed, the only other thing I can think of is to mention Yuki's injured hand at some point, maybe when Tsuruya grabbed her hand or when Yuki is holding Nonoko.

I hope I could be of any help.

Random thought about the new setting for Kyon's weapons: A plasma-shooting drone powered by atmospheric energy would make Nikola Tesla very proud (or jealous, or maybe just curious...). I wonder if some of the technology developed within the brigade (or stolen from the Combine) could be toned down and patented. The amazing Operative System that Yuki wrote for the Computer Research Society (mentioned in the ninth novel, IIRC) could be a good source of (legal) income for the brigade in the future (I'm sorry Open Source).

Quote from: Specular on October 07, 2011, 07:30:07 AM
Hi. I am the same "Specular" from TVTropes forum.

Welcome. :D

Quote from: Specular on October 07, 2011, 07:30:07 AMAfter mulling it over for a while I decided just to read the draft. These are my observations:

Excellent; I appreciate the feedback.  I've also been letting K:BDH languish a bit trying to finish the Later rewrite, so sorry about that. >.>;;

Quote from: Specular on October 07, 2011, 07:30:07 AM"Ribbon" instead of "hair band" according to the last chapter.

Oops; thanks for that catch. :D

Quote from: Specular on October 07, 2011, 07:30:07 AM
Typo: "grave harm" instead of "gave harm".

Oops!  This one's not so much of an issue because I'll be rewriting this scene, but thanks anyway. ^_^;;

Quote from: Specular on October 07, 2011, 07:30:07 AMTypo: "voyeur" instead of "vouyer".

Ah, my spelling is still awful. :X  Thanks for the catch again. :p

Quote from: Specular on October 07, 2011, 07:30:07 AMBesides the things already discussed, the only other thing I can think of is to mention Yuki's injured hand at some point, maybe when Tsuruya grabbed her hand or when Yuki is holding Nonoko.

Oh!  I hate when I forget details like that -- thanks for reminding me.  Hmm....  I think I could twist that to be a bit more plot relevant with regards to Kimidori, but this chapter's already got enough threads running through it.

Still, Kyon seeing the bandages would be another nice point to show his temper being visibly restrained.

Quote from: Specular on October 07, 2011, 07:30:07 AMI hope I could be of any help.

Random thought about the new setting for Kyon's weapons: A plasma-shooting drone powered by atmospheric energy would make Nikola Tesla very proud (or jealous, or maybe just curious...). I wonder if some of the technology developed within the brigade (or stolen from the Combine) could be toned down and patented. The amazing Operative System that Yuki wrote for the Computer Research Society (mentioned in the ninth novel, IIRC) could be a good source of (legal) income for the brigade in the future (I'm sorry Open Source).

They just need Kanae to do art, Mikuru to do inking, and Yuki to write the story of the most epic doujin ever!

Kyon: "If that's KoizumixKyon, I am _so_ out of here."
Kyouko: "...I'll buy two. >.>"
Koizumi/Kyon: "...."

Okay, maybe not Kanae doing the art. <_<;;

Aha, but seriously: Thank you very much for the commentary, I very much appreciate it (and previous observations you've shared).  Did you have any thoughts on the revisions I had planned?  Now that the Later rewrite is (largely) complete, I'll get back to focusing on K:BDH, so I could understand if you wanted to wait a day or three until I get a new chapter posted. ;)

A recent factor has been seriously impacting my ability to write, but if things go well, I'll be able to get some sort of resolution on that front really shortly.  Here's to hoping.

Hello, everyone at Soulriders! I'm the Phantom Kirin, otherwise known as Mad Kitsu on TvTropes. Of course, seeing that this is a forum that encourages seriousness to an extent, I'll drop the verbal tic that I tend to use and talk normally. :)

As for what I think of the first draft and the comments made to it, I have one thing in particular that I wish to point out.

Quote"Nonoko ... this is not a magical girl's test of courage."

"W...what?" she asked, confused.

Haruhi cursed and turned her attention to raising another rampart of soil around them to repel the next wave of attacking robots.

"Imouto," Kyon said, his voice as gentle as he could manage, putting on the bright, reassuring smile he hadn't shown her since she'd woken him up crying about a nightmare, long ago. "This is a magical girl's test of pride."

She stared at him in stunned amazement, her eyes slowly widening, filling with tears as her confidence flagged and guttered out like a candle in a fierce wind. "I.... I'm being prideful?" she asked, clear drops spilling from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks.

"We all depend on our allies!" Haruhi agreed. "We work together -- trying to get into a fight just because you haven't, to prove yourself.... Nonoko, let Kyon handle this!"

"B...but," the girl sniffled, shaking her head. "I want to help!"

Kyon nodded, still giving her that reassuring smile. "We all want to help, Imouto. I can only tell you this because I made the same mistake, too. But you're not ready to handle this on your own. Leave it to your big brother and sister, alright?"

"O...okay," she agreed, sniffling again before shakily pointing the wand at him. "Shining Seal -- Release!"

Now, I'm fully aware of the fact that pride may not of been exactly the right word for these lines. But...

QuoteThe Other had paused her assault for the moment, trying to observe her, but unable to see into that precious core of 'memory'. Kuyou's own false observations spun away, diffusing into the enormity of the resonation that the Other maintained within her.

Kuyou's body blinked, eyes slowly closing and re-opening, forcing a re-trigger of her perceptions and double-checking. And then again.

The Other represented something alien, and Kuyou felt an unpleasant resonation within her to recognize some small parts of it anyway. That Other wanted to force her to its will, and she had to resist, somehow. It was pre-determined that she not merge ... not become synchronized.

Even so, she could tell that the Other was preparing a renewed assault.

The memetics that Kyon had delivered to the smaller entity that shared some genetic and behavior features with him were mutated, as the smaller entity delivered back unexpectedly:

"Y...you're a fairy person, too, right? Don't you have more power when you don't spend your strength to keep a larger form? D...don't be too proud!"

Kuyou turned her attention and focus away from the Other, instead orienting her observations on Kyon's younger sister. She was no longer wrapped in the same defensive structures she had been using earlier, and her force manipulation tools had been returned to Kyon -- but her memetic imprint still retained significant potential. It was the strand she had been looking for, provided by him, changed by her, allowing her the escape she had sought.

As the Other chose that moment to resume the attack, she opened herself up to it, allowing the other to try to synchronize with her, even as she synchronized herself to Ryouko. A small cluster of memetics from the other girl, modified by the small entity that Kyon's sister now clutched in her hands resonated, and she uttered her own response to the Other, "Synchronize with this: Activate 'chibi-mode'."

The Other's extended string sank into places where Kuyou was not, any more. Her perspective shifted yet again, smaller still -- down to a level she had never experienced in such a way before. Bits of attempted synchronization struck at her from the Other, rejected by the bond she shared with Ryouko -- now amplified enough to repel that foreign influence.

She was aware of the sudden void that her connection with Ryouko invoked in the Other -- it destabilized, struggling, trying to force the synchronization anyway. No longer retaining the symbols that were vulnerable to such an attack, she watched, and shared her observations with the rest of the Chorus -- wiping away the recent storm of false observations she had not allowed outside of the shadow-song.

The Other, that thing which looked and behaved like, but was not, Kuyou, gave a curious reaction then, instead of trying for new possibilities or adapting, exerting itself further -- and shattering. For a single instant, the entirety of the Other and the Noise it brought with them were silent.

QuoteHer newly shrunken form drifted slowly down on the influence of reduced gravity, until she was plucked from the air by Suzumiya Haruhi. Her attention fixed on the golden eyes of the larger girl, and she remarked, "We must destroy that structure."

"It's maintaining a beacon that locks the sliders onto this dimension!" Ryouko agreed anxiously. "There appears to be a dark fusion reactor inside there that resonates with something in another dimension. It seems likely that this is what they use as an emergency fall-back function!"

"What the hell just happened to the other Kuyou?" Kyon asked in bewilderment, casting about with a dark expression. "She just seemed to kind of turn into sparkles and drift away?"

"I provided an observation of myself that was empty, as my true self was mirrored to memories," Kuyou replied, pleased at the improved library from her connection with Ryouko. Communication was rapidly gaining efficiency! "She attempted to synchronize with it and successfully became nothing."

"See?" Nonoko said brightly. "I helped!"

"Yes," Kuyou agreed.

After reading the words from these two quotes, with Nonoko's words, Kuyou's reaction and the countermeasure that she realized could be used against the Other, and the Other's stubbornness, which led to it's destruction, I don't really think that "trust" would be the right word either.

What I think would be the right word (or words, if need be) would have to be related to:

A) Something that Kyon needed to realize that he himself was doing as a error in judgement on his part in an earlier chapter (which I think would have to do with not trying to do everything yourself), which he was referring to in the first quote.
B) Something that could be considered as a "magical girl test" (i.e. a test of character, in other words), so that it could be explained to Nonoko in those terms.
C) Something that would be understood by Kuyou when Nonoko mentions the "lesson" that she had to learn from her "test" and that Kuyou should learn the same (at least, that's how I understood what Nonoko was saying), in terms of Kuyou realizing, from those words, the very means to defeat the Other (which, by the way, would count as a Crowning Moment of Awesome, seeing that Kuyou creatively used her chibi mode to evade the Other's attack and turn it against itself), as noted in the third quote.

So, I do believe that the question here would be simple: what words would fit the three criteria, so that things can fit?

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 08, 2011, 11:20:48 PM
Hello, everyone at Soulriders! I'm the Phantom Kirin, otherwise known as Mad Kitsu on TvTropes. Of course, seeing that this is a forum that encourages seriousness to an extent, I'll drop the verbal tic that I tend to use and talk normally. :)

Hahaha, wow, Soulriders is SRYS business.  Drac, did we become The Authority?

Sorry it we present that facade.  We're actually really flexible within certain guidelines.

/me hands Kitsu an enten-hari.

I expect you to use this responsibly.

(I'm kind of drunk right now, so my reply may not be the most coherent.)

Greetings Kitsu-oriented-unit!  Allow me to welcome you to the Soulriders. :D

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 08, 2011, 11:20:48 PMAs for what I think of the first draft and the comments made to it, I have one thing in particular that I wish to point out.

QuoteNonoko gives Kuyou the idea to blow up the anti-Kuyou.

QuoteChibi Kuyou arrives.

After reading the words from these two quotes, with Nonoko's words, Kuyou's reaction and the countermeasure that she realized could be used against the Other, and the Other's stubbornness, which led to it's destruction, I don't really think that "trust" would be the right word either.

What I think would be the right word (or words, if need be) would have to be related to:

A) Something that Kyon needed to realize that he himself was doing as a error in judgement on his part in an earlier chapter (which I think would have to do with not trying to do everything yourself), which he was referring to in the first quote.
B) Something that could be considered as a "magical girl test" (i.e. a test of character, in other words), so that it could be explained to Nonoko in those terms.
C) Something that would be understood by Kuyou when Nonoko mentions the "lesson" that she had to learn from her "test" and that Kuyou should learn the same (at least, that's how I understood what Nonoko was saying), in terms of Kuyou realizing, from those words, the very means to defeat the Other (which, by the way, would count as a Crowning Moment of Awesome, seeing that Kuyou creatively used her chibi mode to evade the Other's attack and turn it against itself), as noted in the third quote.

So, I do believe that the question here would be simple: what words would fit the three criteria, so that things can fit?

Hmm.  That's something for me to consider.  In the meantime, I'd already tried the trust thing, which had very minor revisions.  Let's see....

Right.

Given that, what would you suggest?

Also, thanks very much for taking the time to comment.  :D

I always appreciate that. ^_^

Okay, so, finally got around some things.  The revisions are mostly complete.  The previous revision is chapter 48.0.0, so here is chapter 48.1.0, since it's a significant revision.

Again, I tail it with a list of what I think is still wrong with the chapter, though I'm glad to say less of it bothers me, now.

Also, unintentionally: Longest chapter to date.  Considering it's the second half of a two-parter....

Right.  I'll be trying to get this finalized very shortly, I get the impression the tropers are anxious for more. <_<;;

Hmm... seemed fine to me. Won't do proofreading on this new version due to the apparent influx of tropers and the fact that I'm desperate to get a chapter of my own finished :-)

A reasonable way out for Tsuruya-sama -- act too damn impressive to be put in an awkward situation.

I don't want to get into the semantics of the test of pride/trust thing and how that works. The previous version seemed fine to me, and this one seems... mostly fine as well.

To give a non-semantic opinion, I had a bit of an attachment to "test of pride", but that's because I could correlate it to a fairly important religious notion... and I'm only familiar with it as a Western (specifically Orthodox) religious notion. So unless Shinto or Buddhism have an equivalent concept that can readily be rendered as 'pride', intellectually I'm dubious that Kyon would come up with 'pride' on the spot, in the middle of a heated battle.

'Trust' seems to fit the magical-girl theme a bit more.

Tell me if that means anything to you...

QuoteI wonder if anyone's realized that Kyon's never really gotten to do anything with his beam saber yet? :p

Good opportunity to score The Cover Always Lies (or whatever that trope is called), in my opinion.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 09, 2011, 11:53:14 PMA reasonable way out for Tsuruya-sama -- act too damn impressive to be put in an awkward situation.

That's the best way out for anyone who can pull it off.  Too bad that can be so tricky.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 09, 2011, 11:53:14 PM'Trust' seems to fit the magical-girl theme a bit more.

Tell me if that means anything to you...

Well, pride resonated with me personally more, but trust feels like it fits the story here both for Nonoko and for Kyon -- and it makes the Ryouko/Kuyou interaction slightly less awkward (though, Chuyou as an Uncanny Valley Chibi is ... not what I'd expected).

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 09, 2011, 11:53:14 PMGood opportunity to score The Cover Always Lies (or whatever that trope is called), in my opinion.

Kyon not actually getting to use the beam saber is surprisingly unintentional on my part. >.>;;

Let's see how long it keeps up. o_o

Share and enjoy!

Made the corrections on the HTML this time, so diff shouldn't throw a fit picking out the spelling/grammar corrections.

QuoteAs if to underscore that remark, a stray flechette broke through their combined defenses, narrowly missing the top of Nonoko's head, and in fact catching a few stray hairs, leaving them to drift down to the girl's slide in an absurdly slow counterpoint.

Slide? Side?

I expected Haruhi to have a slightly stronger emotional reaction to Kyon naming his weapons what he did. The significance there seemed kind of lost.

QuoteThe slider released a satisfying yelp of alarm as he fell off his perch, slipping towards a jagged pile of debris. Before he struck it, he suddenly slowed, his body briefly surrounded by that same green, protective field.

Same as what? When did we see this field before?

QuoteThe Other, that thing which looked and behaved like, but was not, Kuyou, gave a curious reaction then, instead of trying for new possibilities or adapting, exerting itself further -- and shattering.

Tense feels awkward there at the end. How about:

Quote...instead of trying for new possibilities or adapting, exerted itself further -- and shattered.

Continuity break?

QuoteHe nodded at that, frowning as he pulled his harmonic resonance tool from his pocket, keeping it on standby to conserve power.

I thought that the "sonic screwdriver" was a function built into his sword hilt, not a discrete tool in and of itself.

Quotealmost equally uncomfortably blush

Pretty sure you mean "uncomfortable."

QuoteYuuto wondered at how easily the man slipped adopted a casual mode of addressing his subordinates...

What's happening with this verb tangle?

Quotebut he was easygoing enough it was more surprising than unwanted.

Feels like there's a "that" missing in here.

@Hal: Awesome -- I'll run that as soon as I get home. :3

@Rogh-sensei: Aha, I'll reply in more detail later, but for now:

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PMI expected Haruhi to have a slightly stronger emotional reaction to Kyon naming his weapons what he did. The significance there seemed kind of lost.

That'll be circled around to later -- she wants to ask what his sword is named, too.  Well, wouldn't hurt to add some more detail on that in the existing scene....

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PM

QuoteThe slider released a satisfying yelp of alarm as he fell off his perch, slipping towards a jagged pile of debris. Before he struck it, he suddenly slowed, his body briefly surrounded by that same green, protective field.

Same as what? When did we see this field before?

Hmm, should be last chapter, when she tried to blast him.  It's been a while since the last chapter; I can be more clear, here.

Alrighty -- thanks very much for the reply in the meantime. :D

Gah, I had to re-read it to remember that Yuuto and Akane are indeed Haruhi's parents.

I guess I spotted the fridge brilliance just fine.

*crawls off into a hole in embarassment*

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 10, 2011, 07:49:09 PM
Gah, I had to re-read it to remember that Yuuto and Akane are indeed Haruhi's parents.

I guess I spotted the fridge brilliance just fine.

*crawls off into a hole in embarassment*

Actually, no, they're Kyon's parents. Akane hasn't been named before this chapter, but Yuuto is Kyon's dad, and he talks with Haruhi's father while they're still at work.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 07:52:23 PM
Actually, no, they're Kyon's parents. Akane hasn't been named before this chapter, but Yuuto is Kyon's dad, and he talks with Haruhi's father while they're still at work.

I guess I psyched myself out. (I'm generally... very bad about getting these kinds of details right.)

There's a serious missed opportunity for an in-joke here, see, if you name Haruhi's mom 'Akane' that initially makes us think it's just a common name, but then we suddenly realize that...



Meh, on the other hand it might be a bit ham-handed, even for a cleverly buried in-joke.

EDIT: I guess that's one potential approach to "the inevitable crossover".

As funny as that may be....

Kyon's mother is named 'Akane' here because that's also the name of Mion's mother (Higurashi).  Which means in her own town, where she grew up, Kyon's mother would usually be stuck with a nickname to keep her separate from the other Maebaras in town and the other Akane.

Though I did read a fic where Haruhi's mother was Nabiki....

Ah.. since the Higurashi crossover is official in this fic, I guess that takes priority over Ranma in-jokes.

Quote from: Brian on October 10, 2011, 08:18:20 PM
Though I did read a fic where Haruhi's mother was Nabiki....

Was it any good?

Judge for yourself (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3293331/1/Demiglace_Graffiti).

I personally though it was ... pretty bad.  Not because it was terrible, but because it had a lot of potential and just fell tragically short.  The last chapter or two especially is just....  Author didn't know where his story was going, and it shows.

Kind of in that 'mediocre, deserved to be glorious' kind of way?  Really, that could just be me....

Edit: Actually, now that I've set your expectations, you may well enjoy it.

Ah. I just posted a very rough brainstorm of what I'd imagine a reasonable Ranma/Haruhi crossover might look like in Ideas Thread.

I'll be curious to see how much overlap there is with Demiglace Graffiti.

I'll be honest, after skimming Chapter 1, "Ranma is Haruhi's dad" is something I just can't picture... even if Haruhi has one parent originating from Nerima, it would have to be balanced by another normal parent for Haruhi's personality to have any hope of making sense.

Reading further: okay, I don't think Demiglace Graffiti even runs on making sense in the first place. The plot just runs on pixie dust. Which is fine and all, I guess. Added to reading list.

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PM
I thought that the "sonic screwdriver" was a function built into his sword hilt, not a discrete tool in and of itself.

Wait, "harmonic resonance tool" is basically a scientobabble-accurate name for a sonic screwdriver in the context of K:BDH? This is going to vastly simplify my own fic idea then...

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMShare and enjoy!

Made the corrections on the HTML this time, so diff shouldn't throw a fit picking out the spelling/grammar corrections.

Oh, boy!  I'm going to start uploading the markdown directly, just for you. :p

Though, that missing/extra linebreak was a markdown error I would have otherwise missed.  Hmm.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMHe just slammed the hilt of his beam saber into it, and then reached out and grabbed it besides? When did he ever let go of it after attaching the hilt?

Ah, yeah.  Revised:

Quote from: revisionsEven though she was still worrying about incoming fire, Haruhi had to admit that the display was impressive.  The hilt sank seamlessly into the mass as Kyon released it, and then ... it transformed.  Kyon didn't hesitate to snatch the weapon once it had finished shifting, though Haruhi couldn't quite figure out what it _was_.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMThere's some weirdness about using 'binoculars-like' here with plurals; binoculars should always be referenced as plural, but since these aren't -quite- binoculars I'm not sure how to handle that here.

Just changed it to 'viewfinder'.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMMildly awkward here - "the hand reaching for his next weapon caught in Kuyou's hands--" --> "reaching for his next weapon only to be intercepted by Kuyou's hand" or something similar would be my suggestion here.

Oops.  Hmm.

Quote from: revisionsWhen her eyes turned back to Wataru, the boy was trembling, reaching for his next weapon only to have his hand caught in Kuyou's--  No, the _other_ Kuyou, Haruhi realized, frowning.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMI'd personally collapse the previous three paragraphs into one, and probably combine the first two into one sentence.

Yeah, I do tend to stretch things out too much. >_>;;

And ... another Markdown error. :x  Well, bad code on my part.  Trailing with two spaces omits the break. >_>

And BBcode.  I fail context switching, evidently. @_@

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMYou've got 'hulking figure' twice in short succession here.

Tsuruya smash!  My bad. :p  Changed the second one to 'his boss.'

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMFirst sentence is comma overloaded. "As he vaulted out of the seat, he wondered if that might have been too much for his boss; however, even as he ran towards the hospital doors, the larger man passed him effortlessly, a cigar still clenched in his teeth.

Paced, not passed, but I'll go with that. :D

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMYou hit the 'timing' point here twice.

Oops.  I'll just omit the sentence instance and leave it at not being a coincidence.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AMChanged to 'from him', although I'm not sure that Kunikida would go directly to Kyon for a picture - he'd probably ask someone else for it or get Kyon to pose if that was the case. The picture as described seems to be perfect - something that doesn't really look too flattering and that Kunikida could snap unnoticed.

Hmm.  How about this:

Quote from: revisions"I took this picture earlier this morning,"

Quote from: Halbarad on October 10, 2011, 11:00:23 AM>> Wataru seems okay to me. Having the combat be mostly glossed over here is also more or less fine with me; it received most of the focus in the last chapter, so moving past details here doesn't bother me at all.

In regards to the 'trust' thing, the only thing I'd recommend is to have Nonoko push back more on Kyon when he says it - obviously, if he's asking for his gear back, he doesn't trust -her- enough, and even while sick it's something she's been striving for for a while - to get him to trust her. I do think it's the right angle of attack, but it's not one that's going to make Nonoko fold instantly the way pride did, he'll have to get her to see that she's not trusting him either.

Excellent.  Okay.  I will work on revising that scene, but I'm fading, so ... sleep first. :D

Thank you very much for the C&C, Hal; appreciated, as always. :)

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 11, 2011, 12:30:19 AMWait, "harmonic resonance tool" is basically a scientobabble-accurate name for a sonic screwdriver in the context of K:BDH?

In K:BDH, the beam saber has always worked on a principle of resonance, but then, even in the Whoniverse (now) they pretty much treat it as a magic wand.  Hell, the doctor can do medical scans with it now....

Quote from: Brian on October 11, 2011, 02:14:02 AM
In K:BDH, the beam saber has always worked on a principle of resonance, but then, even in the Whoniverse (now) they pretty much treat it as a magic wand.  Hell, the doctor can do medical scans with it now....

The most bewildering use of a sonic screwdriver I've seen in the Whoniverse has got to be in "Runaway Bride" where he grabs a cell phone from a random guy and uses the screwdriver to hack into a corporate intranet via the cell phone's web browser.

I attempted to rationalize to myself how that could possibly work. In terms of tropes, it's a fairly obvious combination of Hollywood hacking plus Sonic Screwdriver Can do Anything plus Cell Phones Can do Anything... the perfect storm of computerized absurdity.

As for scientobabble... The only method I could think of is that he somehow uses the screwdriver to force the cell phone apart into one million divergent time lines at the microscopic level, automatically enter a different brute force password in each one using some preset, then collapse the timelines, using Time Lord senses to leave only the one that actually gets him into the intranet without any problems.

I think about things you're not supposed to think about, don't I?

Basically, the point of my bringing this up is that if K:BDH Kyon stumbled into the Whoniverse, he'd be able to (hopefully) recognize a sonic screwdriver and attempt to use it in a semi-competent manner if the situation called for it, right?

Making corrections on the HTML is probably for the best anyway - I'm used to working in it directly as it is, and it does let me catch errors that might slip through markdown.

Quote from: Halbarad on October 11, 2011, 10:24:23 AMMaking corrections on the HTML is probably for the best anyway - I'm used to working in it directly as it is, and it does let me catch errors that might slip through markdown.

That's ... true.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 11, 2011, 02:23:04 AMThe most bewildering use of a sonic screwdriver I've seen in the Whoniverse has got to be in "Runaway Bride" where he grabs a cell phone from a random guy and uses the screwdriver to hack into a corporate intranet via the cell phone's web browser.

I attempted to rationalize to myself how that could possibly work. In terms of tropes, it's a fairly obvious combination of Hollywood hacking plus Sonic Screwdriver Can do Anything plus Cell Phones Can do Anything... the perfect storm of computerized absurdity.

Oh, I remember that now.  The show had already crossed my 'Sure, Whatever' threshold much earlier by the simple measure of, "Temporal paradox is resolved by angry gargoyles."  After that I said, "He's a wizard, it's all magic, and he just pretends it's technology to keep people from breaking down into tears over the realization that their universe is established on such shaky foundations," and the show became awesome once more.

Absolutely, can't take the science aspects too seriously; they're all about exploring the social/cultural/Planet of Hats aspect, and that's actually entirely fine by me.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 11, 2011, 02:23:04 AMAs for scientobabble... The only method I could think of is that he somehow uses the screwdriver to force the cell phone apart into one million divergent time lines at the microscopic level, automatically enter a different brute force password in each one using some preset, then collapse the timelines, using Time Lord senses to leave only the one that actually gets him into the intranet without any problems.

I think about things you're not supposed to think about, don't I?

Hehe, entering Kessler Run territory there.  You may be giving them too much credit.  :p  My own take (as above) was, "Sonic screwdriver magically unlocks everything that isn't 'deadlocked' (which is a stronger spell than sonic screwdriver)."

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on October 11, 2011, 02:23:04 AMBasically, the point of my bringing this up is that if K:BDH Kyon stumbled into the Whoniverse, he'd be able to (hopefully) recognize a sonic screwdriver and attempt to use it in a semi-competent manner if the situation called for it, right?

K:BDH Kyon would have no trouble with a sonic screwdriver at all.

I think even canon Kyon would have a good shot of using it for the basic functions of unlocking/unscrewing things, based on his frequently referenced fanboy traits....  Probably not as good as Haruhi, but. :p

Quote from: Brian on October 11, 2011, 01:08:23 PM
Hehe, entering Kessler Run territory there.  You may be giving them too much credit.  :p

Trust me, I'm giving all the credit for that rationalization to myself :-)

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PM

QuoteAs if to underscore that remark, a stray flechette broke through their combined defenses, narrowly missing the top of Nonoko's head, and in fact catching a few stray hairs, leaving them to drift down to the girl's slide in an absurdly slow counterpoint.

Slide? Side?

Side!  Oops. :x

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PMI expected Haruhi to have a slightly stronger emotional reaction to Kyon naming his weapons what he did. The significance there seemed kind of lost.

Right.  I mentioned earlier that I would touch on this later.  In the story, I mean. >_>

I don't like to try and defend or explain my stories outside of the narrative, as that feels like I've failed to correctly tell the story, so I've revised that:

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PM

QuoteThe slider released a satisfying yelp of alarm as he fell off his perch, slipping towards a jagged pile of debris. Before he struck it, he suddenly slowed, his body briefly surrounded by that same green, protective field.

Same as what? When did we see this field before?

And revised (much more simply):

Quote from: revisions
Before he struck it, he suddenly slowed, his body briefly surrounded by the same green, protective field that had shielded him from her earlier blast.

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PM

QuoteThe Other, that thing which looked and behaved like, but was not, Kuyou, gave a curious reaction then, instead of trying for new possibilities or adapting, exerting itself further -- and shattering.

Tense feels awkward there at the end. How about:

Quote...instead of trying for new possibilities or adapting, exerted itself further -- and shattered.

Oops, yeah.

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PMContinuity break?

Er, one of the html errors that Hal caught?  It's caused by two trailing spaces in Markdown at the end of a line, which is code for 'omit <br> tag'.  I doublespace between sentences, so this typically only ever crops up when I edit. >_>;;

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PM

Quotealmost equally uncomfortably blush

Pretty sure you mean "uncomfortable."

Correct.

Quote from: Rogh-sensei on October 10, 2011, 02:34:23 PM

QuoteYuuto wondered at how easily the man slipped adopted a casual mode of addressing his subordinates...

What's happening with this verb tangle?

Quotebut he was easygoing enough it was more surprising than unwanted.

Feels like there's a "that" missing in here.

Yep; subconscious sentence merge.  Cleaned up:

Quote from: revisionsYuuto wondered at how easily the man slipped into a casual mode of address for his subordinates, but he was easygoing enough that it was more surprising than unwanted.

Excellent; thank you very much for the corrections and comments! :D

Hello again, everyone. I have come with a word that may actually fit the situation for Nonoko and Kuyou (provided that Nonoko knows the meaning of the word)...

http://www.vocabulary.com/definition/humility (http://www.vocabulary.com/definition/humility)

As for the edit on the use of the "trust" concept...

Maaaaan that is some epic timing.

Hmm, actually.  After looking at it, I'm not sure -- a test of pride/humility, isn't that the same as the original?



Edit: Okay, the version posted to my site right now (hahaha) is 48.1.1.  If this revision doesn't work, I'll patch it to 48.2.0.

Revisiontacular. :p

Would that be good or bad, Brian?

Anyways, to continue from where I left off...

Quote
    "Nonoko ... this is not a magical girl's test of _courage_."

    "W...what?" she asked, confused.

     Haruhi cursed and turned her attention to raising another rampart of soil around them to repel the next wave of attacking robots.

     "Imouto," Kyon said, his voice as gentle as he could manage, putting on the bright, reassuring smile he hadn't shown her since she'd woken him up crying about a nightmare, long ago.  "This is a magical girl's test of _trust_."

     She stared at him for a stunned, blank moment.  "A test of trust?" she asked, bewildered.  "What....  But, I do trust you!"

     "Then, won't you let me take care of this?" he asked, trying not to beg.

     She stared at him in stunned amazement, her eyes slowly widening, filling with tears as her confidence flagged and guttered out like a candle in a fierce wind.  "I....  I'm not trusting you because I won't let you fight?" she asked, clear drops spilling from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks.

     "We all depend on our allies!" Haruhi agreed.  "We work together -- trying to get into a fight just because you haven't, to prove yourself....  Nonoko, you have to trust Kyon handle this -- he's taken care of things like this before!"

     "B...but," the girl sniffled, shaking her head.  "I want to help!"

     Kyon nodded, still giving her that reassuring smile.  "We all want to help, Imouto.  I can only tell you this because I made the same mistake in the past.  But you're not ready to handle this on your own.  Leave it to your big brother and sister, alright?"

     Nonoko shifted her shoulder, her eyes watering.  With obvious reluctance, she gave a hesitant nod, her hands trembling.  "O...okay," she agreed, sniffling again before shakily pointing the wand at him.  "Shining Seal -- Release!"

     With that cry, the interdiction field vanished.  Kuyou was levitated from his hands almost instantly -- he presumed by Haruhi -- so wasted no time sweeping his sister in his arms.  "You can trust me, right?" he asked her.

     She sniffled and gave him another nod, managing a smile as she handed over the wand in her hands.  "...will you trust me, too?" she asked, her voice cracking.

     He felt like someone had driven something into his heart, but kept his smile anyway, hugging her even more tightly.

   

QuoteThe Other had paused her assault for the moment, trying to observe her, but unable to see into that precious core of 'memory'.  Kuyou's own false observations spun away, diffusing into the enormity of the resonation that the Other maintained within her.

     Kuyou's eyes blinked, that tiny part of her body slowly closing and re-opening, forcing a re-trigger of her perceptions and double-checking.  And then again.

     The Other represented something alien, and Kuyou felt an unpleasant resonation within her to recognize some small parts of it anyway.  That Other wanted to force her to its will, and she had to resist, somehow.  It was pre-determined that she not merge ... not become synchronized.

     Even so, she could tell that the Other was preparing a renewed assault.

     The memetics that Kyon had delivered to the smaller entity that shared some genetic and behavior features with him were mutated, as the smaller entity delivered back unexpectedly:

     "Y...you're a fairy person, too, right?  Just like her?"  She pointed to the other entity that Kuyou had focused most of her recent observations.  More than just 'memory', there were the resonant memetics, there.  "Don't you have more power when you don't spend your strength to keep a larger form?  You can trust Nii-san and Achakura to take care of you, even when you're small!"

     Kuyou turned her attention and focus away from the Other, instead orienting her observations on Kyon's younger sister.  She was no longer wrapped in the same defensive structures she had been using earlier, and her force manipulation tools had been returned to Kyon -- but her memetic imprint still retained significant potential.  It was the strand she had been looking for, provided by him, changed by her, allowing her the escape she had sought.

     As the Other chose that moment to resume the attack, she opened herself up to it, allowing the other to try to synchronize with her, even as she synchronized herself to Ryouko.  A complex loop of memetics from the other entity that Kyon's sister now clutched in her hands resonated, as she aligned, her perceptions and bounds shifting.

     Blinking her, she gave a polite smile to her copy.  "I will not allow you to harm this human," she told the Other.  "I am in love with him," she added, feeling sudden, deeper understanding of what that concept entailed from Ryouko's memetic library, and applying that meaning to herself more fully than she had before.

    Challenging the disruptive Other, she concluded, "Sychronize with that!  Activating 'chibi-mode'!"

     The Other's extended string sank into places where Kuyou was not, any more.  Her perspective shifted yet again, smaller still -- down to a level she had never experienced in such a way before.  Bits of attempted synchronization struck at her from the Other, rejected by the bond she shared with Ryouko -- now amplified enough to repel that foreign influence.

     She was aware of the sudden void that her connection with Ryouko invoked in the Other -- it destabilized, struggling, trying to force the synchronization anyway.  No longer retaining the symbols that were vulnerable to such an attack, she watched, and shared her observations with the rest of the Chorus -- wiping away the recent storm of false observations she had not allowed outside of the shadow-song.

     The Other, that thing which looked and behaved like, but was not, Kuyou, gave a curious reaction then, instead of trying for new possibilities or adapting, exerting itself further -- and shattering.  For a single instant, the entirety of the Other and the Noise it brought with them were silent.

     Visibly, it was represented by the portals overhead -- and throughout the rest of the shadow-song -- collapsing, all of their foreign energy abruptly rejected from even her pale imitation of the entirety of the Chorus.  Distantly, at the edges of observation -- for the span of a single rotation -- she could observe myriad other worlds, a complicated, tangled mass of asymmetrical eleven-dimensional objects.

     Somehow, through a haphazard and unnatural process, those other objects, those not-Choruses, jarred and flowed in twisted mockery of the natural rightness of the Chorus.  Without the Other to shield them, Kuyou was astonished to observe that, to _them_, the Song was as destructive as _Noise_ was to the Chorus!

     No sooner had she realized this than the connection was closed, squeezed down to a narrow window of potential that she could only barely perceive.  Shielded from her observations somehow, she realized ... linked to something in the structure of exotic materials that had been dropped from the upper portal.  Even with the Other missing, that thing represented difficulties.

     Yet ... every entity there had been arranged for part of some greater harmony.

     She returned herself to the proper scale of time to better interact with the others.

     Her newly shrunken form drifted slowly down on the influence of reduced gravity, until she was plucked from the air by Suzumiya Haruhi.  Her attention fixed on the golden eyes of the larger girl, and she explained, "We must destroy this dangerous structure!"

     "It's maintaining a beacon that locks the sliders onto this dimension!" Ryouko agreed anxiously.  "There appears to be a dark fusion reactor inside there that resonates with something in another dimension.  It seems likely that this is what they use as an emergency fall-back function!"

     "What the hell just happened to the other Kuyou?" Kyon asked in bewilderment, casting about with a dark expression.  "She just seemed to kind of turn into sparkles and drift away?"

     "I provided an observation of myself that was empty, as my true self was mirrored to memories!" Kuyou replied, pleased at the improved library from her connection with Ryouko.  Communication was rapidly gaining efficiency!  "She attempted to synchronize with it and successfully became nothing, because she didn't understand what I was or how I changed!"

     "See?" Nonoko said brightly.  "I helped!"

     "Yes!" Kuyou agreed.

I was making a few observations on these words, and I feel the need to point out the following with the subtlety of a Master Spark...

First off: why are Kuyou's sentences ending with a exclamation mark? I'm confused by that...
Second:

QuoteBlinking her, she gave a polite smile to her copy.  "I will not allow you to harm this human," she told the Other.  "I am in love with him," she added, feeling sudden, deeper understanding of what that concept entailed from Ryouko's memetic library, and applying that meaning to herself more fully than she had before.

    Challenging the disruptive Other, she concluded,  "Sychronize with that!  Activating 'chibi-mode'!"

To point out two things: the bold text is marking what I would consider a error in syntax or something. Wouldn't it be "blinking at her" or something? Sorry if I'm being harsh here, but the Master Spark remark that I made was not a joke.

And the other thing would be the words that are in italics,, which doesn't quite sound right, in my opinion. Perhaps, as a suggestion, maybe something along the lines of "So, synchronize with that, if you can. Activate 'chibi-mode'!" (I'll admit that the line that I suggested sounded lame)...

Also, you misspelled "Synchronize" as "Sychronize", but that's a minor quibble.

Third, about this...

Quote"Y...you're a fairy person, too, right?  Just like her?"  She pointed to the other entity that Kuyou had focused most of her recent observations.  More than just 'memory', there were the resonant memetics, there.  "Don't you have more power when you don't spend your strength to keep a larger form?  You can trust Nii-san and Achakura to take care of you, even when you're small!"

I actually think that this is very good in terms of the use of the "trust" scenario, just so you know. However, mixing the words "trust" and "humility" into the same scenario, again in my own opinion, might also work, if you want.

Finally...

QuoteThough she still looked angry, the boy's mother turned to look at the elder Tsuruya in confusion. "You know what's going on here?" she pressed. "What ... foolishness Kyon's gotten himself into? Your daughter called to say that Kyon-kun somehow rescued Nono-chan?"

The green-haired giant nodded slightly, pulling his cigar from his mouth with a frown and tucking it into his coat pocket with a contemplative look. "I would say that Kyon has done his families proud, personally," the man said slowly. "And that this fault is mine -- but, tell me ... when I told you that your son was working as a bodyguard for my daughter, is it that you somehow thought I was only joking?"

The woman worked her jaw in response wordlessly, her eyes shooting wide -- though all she could utter was a surprised, strangled sound.

Her husband moved to her side quickly, taking one of her hands and sending a frightened look at the man. "Y...you're saying that Tsuruya-chan has, er, violent enemies, and ... Kyon-kun actually protects her from them?" he asked. He turned a questioning, worried glance at his son as well.

"No!" her sempai's mother insisted, shaking her head furiously, squeezing her husband's hand for reassurance. "You meant-- Kyon-- As a chaperone and-- Not--" She sputtered incoherently for a moment, then joined her husband in staring at her son.

For his part, Kanae's sempai winced. "On a good day it just means being there," he allowed. "On a bad day...." He shrugged off and gestured to the taller man -- who instantly had all attention on him again.

"I've somehow always thought you understood everything," the man sighed, shaking his head at the boy's parents. "What did you think we were arranging when we engaged our children? Surely you didn't think I would want that just because he made her happy? In that case, she could make her own decisions -- but if she likes him.... Well, he protects her of his own volition and is an admirable ally to our household, so why wouldn't I also want to have him joined to our family?

"A capable, responsible boy who likes my daughter on his own, and not because he comes from the backing of a rival that seeks to undo us?
"I'll admit, I had some doubts when he first helped my daughter, and I was suspicious that he didn't even request money after fighting off a dozen men to save her -- but your son is without a doubt the fastest rising star in my organization. As I say, he has saved my daughter from gave harm -- or worse -- several times," he continued, shaking his head. "I apologize if this is a surprise to you, but your son is quite an asset to us.

"So -- this business, this kidnapping.... Your son has an acquaintance -- you know her as Sasaki, I believe?"

In the silence, Kanae shifted her feet uncomfortably, wondering if her sempai's family had forgotten she and Mikuru were there.

"Er," the boy's mother managed shakily. "Y...yes, what of her? Is she ... too?"

"Nothing like that," the elder Tsuruya said dismissively, shaking his head. "But she's a target by some unlikable people -- last night, Kyon led the mission to rescue her from some unsavory peoples. The blame for Nonoko-chan being in danger is entirely mine; I should have arranged more protection and greater care for the family of my daughter's most valued supporter!"

Clapping his hands together abruptly, the large man made everyone in the room except for himself, her sempai, and the slumbering Nonoko jump -- Kanae was almost embarrassed to realize she had reflexively hugged herself onto Mikuru out of fright. The older girl, naturally, had known she'd need assurance, and had hugged Kanae protectively at the same time -- what a wonderful self-appointed 'big sister!'

With no more warning, the huge man abruptly bowed to Nonoko's parents. "Please accept my apology; rest assured that your son is capable and responsible. My error resulted in danger to your daughter, but your family is capable." He rose from his bow, nodding, and added, "Rest assured, I will assign more forces to watch over your household and family from now on. As this is the only thing Kyon-kun has ever asked of me, personally, it is my obligation to him to see to it!"

"W...what?" Nonoko's mother managed uncertainly, before she stamped one foot, fixing the huge man with a glare. "No-- No! I didn't know about any of this, and--"

She was cut off suddenly by her husband nudging her gently and giving a stern shake of his head. "Akane-chan," he said in warning -- the use of the woman's name prompting his son to blink in surprise, "we may not have understood what we've gotten our son into into, but Kyon-kun certainly does. And he seems to be doing quite well for himself, all told. Now ... let's not ... annoy the man we both work for, alright, Dear?"

Kanae felt a little embarrassed that she was overhearing such things, but didn't really want to move from Mikuru's comforting embrace -- unless, possibly, it was into her sempai's. Judging by Akane's expression, that wasn't the best idea at the moment.

"We can't just leave things like this!" the woman countered with a growl, focusing her attention on her husband. "Until he can make the best decisions for himself, we have to!"

"And considering where that's gotten us...." He left that unfinished, raising his eyebrows and giving her an apologetic look. "We wanted Kyon-kun to grow up to be, um, a reliable, dependable person, and ... it seems he's done that."

"But..." she protested, shaking her head, then turning to look at Tsuruya's father. "He.... This isn't...." She sighed, her anger giving way to a look of worry. "Kyon-kun ... isn't fighting all the time?"

"Thankfully, not very often," the green-haired man agreed, nodding. "Usually, it's tamer stuffs -- like his work negotiating that alliance between us and the Sonozaki-gumi!"

Fortunately, her husband caught her before she crashed to the floor in a faint.

"Hmm," the large figure mused, frowning. "This was a bit rougher than I imagined it, for some reasons...."

"This ... is just a lot to process," the woman's husband mumbled, setting her carefully in one of the seats Mikuru and Kanae had never even gotten around to taking. Heaving a sigh he shook his head and said, "Um ... I'll ... make sure she's calm enough not to overreact and cancel any plans or anything."

"I hate to think of how sad my daughter would be if my mistake jeopardized the future she's been planning," the green-haired man said slowly.

"Y...yes," the harried man agreed, turning to look at his wife morosely. "Um."

Glancing at Kanae's sempai, the green-haired man gave a thoughtful nod and clapped one hand on Akane's husband's back. "Yuuto-kun, why don't we take your wife to another room so she can rest more comfortably?"

"Er, well-- Taking another room would be--"

"No worries! I bought this hospital the last time I was here for Kyon-kun, remember?"

"...right."

After they left, Mikuru released Kanae and heaved a quiet sigh of relief. "Um, Kyon-kun?" she asked worriedly. "Will ... everything be okay?"

"I don't know that this was the best idea," he answered with a sigh. "But ... I sure hope so."

I do believe that, since Akane fainted at the mention of the Sonozaki-gumi, that she knows about them and that, with those very words, she instantly realized that not only did she end up getting her son into the Yakuza by her own actions, but also that her choice to send Kyon to Hinamizawa only served to make things worse, by tying him directly to the Yakuza group that Keiichi is associated with...

I do believe that she has officially been Logic Bombed, Brian, and I would like to see how this will affect the SOS-dan's plans to go to Hinamizawa for the Watanagashi festival.

Also, as a strange note, since where was it that said that Akane worked for Tsuruya-sama? Because I don't actually recall that one (though, if it is true, then that would mean that she had made it so that her whole family is essentially tied to the Yakuza, both Tsuruya-sama's and the one that Keiichi is tied to, meaning that her own worst nightmare has become reality, and she can only blame herself for this.)...

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 12, 2011, 02:04:44 AM
Would that be good or bad, Brian?

Trust is an okay fit because it applies to Kyon and Nonoko.  Pride/humility is a decent fit because it applies to Kyon, but Nonoko isn't typically that arrogant.  It could be argued she'd let her power go to her head right there, which does (somewhat) mirror Kyon's earlier behavior with Yuki....  Hmm.

Something to think about.

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 12, 2011, 02:04:44 AMAnyways, to continue from where I left off...

Spoiler: ShowHide

Quote
    "Nonoko ... this is not a magical girl's test of _courage_."

    "W...what?" she asked, confused.

     Haruhi cursed and turned her attention to raising another rampart of soil around them to repel the next wave of attacking robots.

     "Imouto," Kyon said, his voice as gentle as he could manage, putting on the bright, reassuring smile he hadn't shown her since she'd woken him up crying about a nightmare, long ago.  "This is a magical girl's test of _trust_."

     She stared at him for a stunned, blank moment.  "A test of trust?" she asked, bewildered.  "What....  But, I do trust you!"

     "Then, won't you let me take care of this?" he asked, trying not to beg.

     She stared at him in stunned amazement, her eyes slowly widening, filling with tears as her confidence flagged and guttered out like a candle in a fierce wind.  "I....  I'm not trusting you because I won't let you fight?" she asked, clear drops spilling from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks.

     "We all depend on our allies!" Haruhi agreed.  "We work together -- trying to get into a fight just because you haven't, to prove yourself....  Nonoko, you have to trust Kyon handle this -- he's taken care of things like this before!"

     "B...but," the girl sniffled, shaking her head.  "I want to help!"

     Kyon nodded, still giving her that reassuring smile.  "We all want to help, Imouto.  I can only tell you this because I made the same mistake in the past.  But you're not ready to handle this on your own.  Leave it to your big brother and sister, alright?"

     Nonoko shifted her shoulder, her eyes watering.  With obvious reluctance, she gave a hesitant nod, her hands trembling.  "O...okay," she agreed, sniffling again before shakily pointing the wand at him.  "Shining Seal -- Release!"

     With that cry, the interdiction field vanished.  Kuyou was levitated from his hands almost instantly -- he presumed by Haruhi -- so wasted no time sweeping his sister in his arms.  "You can trust me, right?" he asked her.

     She sniffled and gave him another nod, managing a smile as she handed over the wand in her hands.  "...will you trust me, too?" she asked, her voice cracking.

     He felt like someone had driven something into his heart, but kept his smile anyway, hugging her even more tightly.

   

QuoteThe Other had paused her assault for the moment, trying to observe her, but unable to see into that precious core of 'memory'.  Kuyou's own false observations spun away, diffusing into the enormity of the resonation that the Other maintained within her.

     Kuyou's eyes blinked, that tiny part of her body slowly closing and re-opening, forcing a re-trigger of her perceptions and double-checking.  And then again.

     The Other represented something alien, and Kuyou felt an unpleasant resonation within her to recognize some small parts of it anyway.  That Other wanted to force her to its will, and she had to resist, somehow.  It was pre-determined that she not merge ... not become synchronized.

     Even so, she could tell that the Other was preparing a renewed assault.

     The memetics that Kyon had delivered to the smaller entity that shared some genetic and behavior features with him were mutated, as the smaller entity delivered back unexpectedly:

     "Y...you're a fairy person, too, right?  Just like her?"  She pointed to the other entity that Kuyou had focused most of her recent observations.  More than just 'memory', there were the resonant memetics, there.  "Don't you have more power when you don't spend your strength to keep a larger form?  You can trust Nii-san and Achakura to take care of you, even when you're small!"

     Kuyou turned her attention and focus away from the Other, instead orienting her observations on Kyon's younger sister.  She was no longer wrapped in the same defensive structures she had been using earlier, and her force manipulation tools had been returned to Kyon -- but her memetic imprint still retained significant potential.  It was the strand she had been looking for, provided by him, changed by her, allowing her the escape she had sought.

     As the Other chose that moment to resume the attack, she opened herself up to it, allowing the other to try to synchronize with her, even as she synchronized herself to Ryouko.  A complex loop of memetics from the other entity that Kyon's sister now clutched in her hands resonated, as she aligned, her perceptions and bounds shifting.

     Blinking her, she gave a polite smile to her copy.  "I will not allow you to harm this human," she told the Other.  "I am in love with him," she added, feeling sudden, deeper understanding of what that concept entailed from Ryouko's memetic library, and applying that meaning to herself more fully than she had before.

    Challenging the disruptive Other, she concluded, "Sychronize with that!  Activating 'chibi-mode'!"

     The Other's extended string sank into places where Kuyou was not, any more.  Her perspective shifted yet again, smaller still -- down to a level she had never experienced in such a way before.  Bits of attempted synchronization struck at her from the Other, rejected by the bond she shared with Ryouko -- now amplified enough to repel that foreign influence.

     She was aware of the sudden void that her connection with Ryouko invoked in the Other -- it destabilized, struggling, trying to force the synchronization anyway.  No longer retaining the symbols that were vulnerable to such an attack, she watched, and shared her observations with the rest of the Chorus -- wiping away the recent storm of false observations she had not allowed outside of the shadow-song.

     The Other, that thing which looked and behaved like, but was not, Kuyou, gave a curious reaction then, instead of trying for new possibilities or adapting, exerting itself further -- and shattering.  For a single instant, the entirety of the Other and the Noise it brought with them were silent.

     Visibly, it was represented by the portals overhead -- and throughout the rest of the shadow-song -- collapsing, all of their foreign energy abruptly rejected from even her pale imitation of the entirety of the Chorus.  Distantly, at the edges of observation -- for the span of a single rotation -- she could observe myriad other worlds, a complicated, tangled mass of asymmetrical eleven-dimensional objects.

     Somehow, through a haphazard and unnatural process, those other objects, those not-Choruses, jarred and flowed in twisted mockery of the natural rightness of the Chorus.  Without the Other to shield them, Kuyou was astonished to observe that, to _them_, the Song was as destructive as _Noise_ was to the Chorus!

     No sooner had she realized this than the connection was closed, squeezed down to a narrow window of potential that she could only barely perceive.  Shielded from her observations somehow, she realized ... linked to something in the structure of exotic materials that had been dropped from the upper portal.  Even with the Other missing, that thing represented difficulties.

     Yet ... every entity there had been arranged for part of some greater harmony.

     She returned herself to the proper scale of time to better interact with the others.

     Her newly shrunken form drifted slowly down on the influence of reduced gravity, until she was plucked from the air by Suzumiya Haruhi.  Her attention fixed on the golden eyes of the larger girl, and she explained, "We must destroy this dangerous structure!"

     "It's maintaining a beacon that locks the sliders onto this dimension!" Ryouko agreed anxiously.  "There appears to be a dark fusion reactor inside there that resonates with something in another dimension.  It seems likely that this is what they use as an emergency fall-back function!"

     "What the hell just happened to the other Kuyou?" Kyon asked in bewilderment, casting about with a dark expression.  "She just seemed to kind of turn into sparkles and drift away?"

     "I provided an observation of myself that was empty, as my true self was mirrored to memories!" Kuyou replied, pleased at the improved library from her connection with Ryouko.  Communication was rapidly gaining efficiency!  "She attempted to synchronize with it and successfully became nothing, because she didn't understand what I was or how I changed!"

     "See?" Nonoko said brightly.  "I helped!"

     "Yes!" Kuyou agreed.

I was making a few observations on these words, and I feel the need to point out the following with the subtlety of a Master Spark...

First off: why are Kuyou's sentences ending with a exclamation mark? I'm confused by that...

She's picking up personality and behavior bits from Ryouko.  This will be explored more later.

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 12, 2011, 02:04:44 AMSecond:

QuoteBlinking her, she gave a polite smile to her copy.  "I will not allow you to harm this human," she told the Other.  "I am in love with him," she added, feeling sudden, deeper understanding of what that concept entailed from Ryouko's memetic library, and applying that meaning to herself more fully than she had before.

    Challenging the disruptive Other, she concluded,  "Sychronize with that!  Activating 'chibi-mode'!"

To point out two things: the bold text is marking what I would consider a error in syntax or something. Wouldn't it be "blinking at her" or something? Sorry if I'm being harsh here, but the Master Spark remark that I made was not a joke.

Just a typo.  I don't know why you would think pointing that out would be harsh....  Mistakes are made; that's why I ask other people for help. ;)

Thanks for catching that one.  This will be in the next update:

Quote from: revisionsBlinking at her double, she offered a polite smile.

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 12, 2011, 02:04:44 AMAnd the other thing would be the words that are in italics,, which doesn't quite sound right, in my opinion. Perhaps, as a suggestion, maybe something along the lines of "So, synchronize with that, if you can. Activate 'chibi-mode'!" (I'll admit that the line that I suggested sounded lame)...

Also, you misspelled "Synchronize" as "Sychronize", but that's a minor quibble.

Hmm.  Spelling error.  This was caught by Hal, I think; already corrected in the current draft.

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 12, 2011, 02:04:44 AMThird, about this...

Quote"Y...you're a fairy person, too, right?  Just like her?"  She pointed to the other entity that Kuyou had focused most of her recent observations.  More than just 'memory', there were the resonant memetics, there.  "Don't you have more power when you don't spend your strength to keep a larger form?  You can trust Nii-san and Achakura to take care of you, even when you're small!"

I actually think that this is very good in terms of the use of the "trust" scenario, just so you know. However, mixing the words "trust" and "humility" into the same scenario, again in my own opinion, might also work, if you want.

Hmm.  I think I like the idea of bringing back the pride thing, but that's more aimed at Kyon than Nonoko.  I think it might work if Haruhi unintentionally brings that up -- Kyon's in a state to interpet things that way, anyway.  Mm, more stress on Kyon.  Poor guy. :x

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 12, 2011, 02:04:44 AMFinally...

Spoiler: ShowHide

QuoteThough she still looked angry, the boy's mother turned to look at the elder Tsuruya in confusion. "You know what's going on here?" she pressed. "What ... foolishness Kyon's gotten himself into? Your daughter called to say that Kyon-kun somehow rescued Nono-chan?"

The green-haired giant nodded slightly, pulling his cigar from his mouth with a frown and tucking it into his coat pocket with a contemplative look. "I would say that Kyon has done his families proud, personally," the man said slowly. "And that this fault is mine -- but, tell me ... when I told you that your son was working as a bodyguard for my daughter, is it that you somehow thought I was only joking?"

The woman worked her jaw in response wordlessly, her eyes shooting wide -- though all she could utter was a surprised, strangled sound.

Her husband moved to her side quickly, taking one of her hands and sending a frightened look at the man. "Y...you're saying that Tsuruya-chan has, er, violent enemies, and ... Kyon-kun actually protects her from them?" he asked. He turned a questioning, worried glance at his son as well.

"No!" her sempai's mother insisted, shaking her head furiously, squeezing her husband's hand for reassurance. "You meant-- Kyon-- As a chaperone and-- Not--" She sputtered incoherently for a moment, then joined her husband in staring at her son.

For his part, Kanae's sempai winced. "On a good day it just means being there," he allowed. "On a bad day...." He shrugged off and gestured to the taller man -- who instantly had all attention on him again.

"I've somehow always thought you understood everything," the man sighed, shaking his head at the boy's parents. "What did you think we were arranging when we engaged our children? Surely you didn't think I would want that just because he made her happy? In that case, she could make her own decisions -- but if she likes him.... Well, he protects her of his own volition and is an admirable ally to our household, so why wouldn't I also want to have him joined to our family?

"A capable, responsible boy who likes my daughter on his own, and not because he comes from the backing of a rival that seeks to undo us?
"I'll admit, I had some doubts when he first helped my daughter, and I was suspicious that he didn't even request money after fighting off a dozen men to save her -- but your son is without a doubt the fastest rising star in my organization. As I say, he has saved my daughter from gave harm -- or worse -- several times," he continued, shaking his head. "I apologize if this is a surprise to you, but your son is quite an asset to us.

"So -- this business, this kidnapping.... Your son has an acquaintance -- you know her as Sasaki, I believe?"

In the silence, Kanae shifted her feet uncomfortably, wondering if her sempai's family had forgotten she and Mikuru were there.

"Er," the boy's mother managed shakily. "Y...yes, what of her? Is she ... too?"

"Nothing like that," the elder Tsuruya said dismissively, shaking his head. "But she's a target by some unlikable people -- last night, Kyon led the mission to rescue her from some unsavory peoples. The blame for Nonoko-chan being in danger is entirely mine; I should have arranged more protection and greater care for the family of my daughter's most valued supporter!"

Clapping his hands together abruptly, the large man made everyone in the room except for himself, her sempai, and the slumbering Nonoko jump -- Kanae was almost embarrassed to realize she had reflexively hugged herself onto Mikuru out of fright. The older girl, naturally, had known she'd need assurance, and had hugged Kanae protectively at the same time -- what a wonderful self-appointed 'big sister!'

With no more warning, the huge man abruptly bowed to Nonoko's parents. "Please accept my apology; rest assured that your son is capable and responsible. My error resulted in danger to your daughter, but your family is capable." He rose from his bow, nodding, and added, "Rest assured, I will assign more forces to watch over your household and family from now on. As this is the only thing Kyon-kun has ever asked of me, personally, it is my obligation to him to see to it!"

"W...what?" Nonoko's mother managed uncertainly, before she stamped one foot, fixing the huge man with a glare. "No-- No! I didn't know about any of this, and--"

She was cut off suddenly by her husband nudging her gently and giving a stern shake of his head. "Akane-chan," he said in warning -- the use of the woman's name prompting his son to blink in surprise, "we may not have understood what we've gotten our son into into, but Kyon-kun certainly does. And he seems to be doing quite well for himself, all told. Now ... let's not ... annoy the man we both work for, alright, Dear?"

Kanae felt a little embarrassed that she was overhearing such things, but didn't really want to move from Mikuru's comforting embrace -- unless, possibly, it was into her sempai's. Judging by Akane's expression, that wasn't the best idea at the moment.

"We can't just leave things like this!" the woman countered with a growl, focusing her attention on her husband. "Until he can make the best decisions for himself, we have to!"

"And considering where that's gotten us...." He left that unfinished, raising his eyebrows and giving her an apologetic look. "We wanted Kyon-kun to grow up to be, um, a reliable, dependable person, and ... it seems he's done that."

"But..." she protested, shaking her head, then turning to look at Tsuruya's father. "He.... This isn't...." She sighed, her anger giving way to a look of worry. "Kyon-kun ... isn't fighting all the time?"

"Thankfully, not very often," the green-haired man agreed, nodding. "Usually, it's tamer stuffs -- like his work negotiating that alliance between us and the Sonozaki-gumi!"

Fortunately, her husband caught her before she crashed to the floor in a faint.

"Hmm," the large figure mused, frowning. "This was a bit rougher than I imagined it, for some reasons...."

"This ... is just a lot to process," the woman's husband mumbled, setting her carefully in one of the seats Mikuru and Kanae had never even gotten around to taking. Heaving a sigh he shook his head and said, "Um ... I'll ... make sure she's calm enough not to overreact and cancel any plans or anything."

"I hate to think of how sad my daughter would be if my mistake jeopardized the future she's been planning," the green-haired man said slowly.

"Y...yes," the harried man agreed, turning to look at his wife morosely. "Um."

Glancing at Kanae's sempai, the green-haired man gave a thoughtful nod and clapped one hand on Akane's husband's back. "Yuuto-kun, why don't we take your wife to another room so she can rest more comfortably?"

"Er, well-- Taking another room would be--"

"No worries! I bought this hospital the last time I was here for Kyon-kun, remember?"

"...right."

After they left, Mikuru released Kanae and heaved a quiet sigh of relief. "Um, Kyon-kun?" she asked worriedly. "Will ... everything be okay?"

"I don't know that this was the best idea," he answered with a sigh. "But ... I sure hope so."

I do believe that, since Akane fainted at the mention of the Sonozaki-gumi, that she knows about them and that, with those very words, she instantly realized that not only did she end up getting her son into the Yakuza by her own actions, but also that her choice to send Kyon to Hinamizawa only served to make things worse, by tying him directly to the Yakuza group that Keiichi is associated with...

Well, the 'gumi' suffix generally means 'gang affiliated,' specifically; this could also be taken as a reveal/confirmation to Akane that her brother is also a ya--Nice Guy. ;D

Quote from: Phantom Kirin on October 12, 2011, 02:04:44 AMI do believe that she has officially been Logic Bombed, Brian, and I would like to see how this will affect the SOS-dan's plans to go to Hinamizawa for the Watanagashi festival.

Also, as a strange note, since where was it that said that Akane worked for Tsuruya-sama? Because I don't actually recall that one (though, if it is true, then that would mean that she had made it so that her whole family is essentially tied to the Yakuza, both Tsuruya-sama's and the one that Keiichi is tied to, meaning that her own worst nightmare has become reality, and she can only blame herself for this.)...

Ah, hum.  I don't ... think it was said that Akane worked for Tsuruya-sama?  Kasai was going by her house, since he's worked as the driver and has given her a ride before.

(I'm not worried about spoilers, but the spoiler button makes a convenient way to hide huge blocks of text. ;))

Alright.  I'm going to think on how to work the pride thing in organically. >.>;;

I saw worrisome hints that I made rather a lot of grammatical errors somehow.... >_<

Anyway!  Thank you very much for the commentary! :D