Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

This is unproofed, which means that I imagine it's full of errors and other issues -- most of which I hope are technical.  I'm pretty satisfied with this thematically, but know it needs a lot of work; I'll post the proper html version and give it a quick grammatical sweep later tonight.

Corrections are welcome; I know that this is in exceptionally rough form at the moment; apologies for that.  Feel a bit bad about posting something so haphazard ... but not quite enough to stop me. >_>;;

Hopefully, you will enjoy~!

Edit: Also, the title kinda sucks. :p  Suggestions on that are welcome, too.  ^_^;;
Son of Edit: Now spellecheck'd!  And htmified!

Quote"It's like that speech from President Regan,"

Reagan, though it may be intentional based on her mangling the quote.

That was a nice little fic. It did what it set out to do and did it well. My only gripe is that four police cars feels like an overreaction, but that may just be me.

Quote from: Anastasia on December 01, 2011, 08:16:53 PMReagan, though it may be intentional based on her mangling the quote.

Nah; I figured out some time ago I spell phonetically if I don't focus.  That error's all mine.  Thanks for spotting it.

Quote from: Anastasia on December 01, 2011, 08:16:53 PMThat was a nice little fic. It did what it set out to do and did it well. My only gripe is that four police cars feels like an overreaction, but that may just be me.

Should reduce it to a pair, maybe?  How many stars does stealing a balloon get you in San Nishinomiya? ;)

Thanks greatly for the commentary -- glad you enjoyed it. :D

I'd say two. On reflection it's probably fine, as I imagine Haruhi's subconscious wishes are playing into things. If she wants a big, exciting race for freedom, she's gonna get one.

Going to change it to three just because of the four/bad-luck connotation.  (Annoying quads.)

MEANWHILE, IN CANADA:

Police through megaphone: "Asakura Ryouko -- we have you surrounded!  Come out and hand over the balloon!"
Asakura Ryouko:  O_o?  -"Why am I even here?"

QuoteHaruhi is smaller than me, and realistically, move vulnerable to the cold in that outfit.

Should be more, not move.

Also, no Yotsubato! (http://www.mangareader.net/132-34078-1/yotsubato/chapter-61.html) cameo? ^_^ (Was thinking of this arc the whole time I read.)

Oops, thanks for the correction. :D

And Re: Yotsubato! -- intense dislike of series without continuity like that or Azumanga.  I could only even manage like ... three episodes of Lucky*Star, before skipping ahead to the main Haruhi shout-out episode and calling it done.  Sorry. :/

Edit: Also caught a 'head' -> 'heat' typo.  Oh, single-letter substitution....

Pitching in! The only minuscule problem: "shivering involuntarily at the chill of the early morning air". I don't see anyone shivering voluntarily, the word is probably superfluous.

After that, nothing. I also stopped thinking about C&C because i was too wrapped up in the narration.

The rest of this comment is up in the other place, and if you want you're welcome to take a look, except in hindsight, it's fairly useless, consisting mainly of praise and my impressions. Have a good day! I look forward to future endeavors.

-Agasa, tropes embassy Troper Ambassador, yo.

How unexpected!  Thank you for the kind words, Agasa.

You're right that the word there is not needed; I have a bad habit of using redundant phrasing reflexively.  I'll drop it; thanks for the feedback.

Also, I think people took my rant about how I 'want criticism' too seriously; it's not like I dislike people saying they enjoy my stuff, it's that I don't like the ff.net style 'GREAT STORY!  POST MOAR!' feedback (likewise, I don't get much constructive out of, 'Hated it; stop posting').  Both of those examples (somewhat hyperbolic, I admit), aren't particularly helpful.

Saying which elements you liked (specifically) and which you didn't (also, specifically) is still very helpful to me, as it lets me know when I'm 'on target' versus 'missing the mark entirely'.

Edit: Is that signature supposed to be 'Tropes Emissary' or 'Troper Ambassador', perhaps? ;)

Uh, i hope this doesn't count as double posting. I got some courage and added (edited in the already done post to avoid clutter) some additional C&C (for K:BDH)  to the tropes topic. I hope they're useful and not too harsh.

About Hot Air, i almost got the temptation to say that Kyon was complaining a little too much (we should be way post-Disappearance here, so he should be a bit more mellow), then realized, five minutes later, that he was just woken up in the middle of a very cold night and shoved on his bike to rickshaw Haruhi around. He had every right to be irked. This issue ironed out in my mind, i see no defects.

Working off the markdown version here; I'm unfashionably late again, but I do hope there's something useful here.

Quote"Near Kitayama Reservoir," she replies without hesitation, standing on the posts of my bicycle, her hands on my shoulders, firming her grip.  "Turn right; next course change in three kilometers."

This begs a snarky remark about Haruhi acting like a GPS, somehow.

QuoteWhen we get there, there's a small cluster of people waiting in line to fill out the proper forms and pay for their passes.  I'm totally unfamiliar with the process, but by watching intently, by the time Haruhi and I reach the front of the line, she's able to answer the questions as though she's been doing this for years.  The older woman behind the folding table gives the pair of us a cheerful smile once Haruhi hands over--

2 "by"s close together here.

QuoteTsuruya laughs loudly across the distance, her balloon -- green and gray, patterned with her family crest -- continues rising.  She unloops her bright pink scarf and clenches one end, unfurling it and waving it like a brilliant cheering banner before she vanishes behind the curve of our own stolen craft.

With just that, I felt like I should say a bit more, so I decided to go back and take a closer look at the meat of the story---the passage with Haruhi and Kyon in the balloon.

On Kyon's remark, asking if it's okay that the others miss this event simply because they don't wake up on time, Haruhi monologues for a bit, acknowledging a fear on her part that the brigade may not have time to perform the amazing feats she wished for.  Kyon seems a bit surprised and awed with this, but even as Haruhi pumps herself up with the quote from Reagan, Kyon is more concerned with Haruhi's shivering than, it seems, with fully digesting what she's saying.  This seems like a ripe opportunity for him to gain some insight into Haruhi, but at the least, he doesn't share that with the audience.  Perhaps what she says doesn't really surprise him so much as the fact that she's saying it aloud.

We have the coat bit, in which Kyon takes the third option of maximum fuzziness.  I feel like something small might be missing here.  It wouldn't be like Kyon to wax overtly affectionate toward Haruhi, granted, but an unreliable narrator angle could be played up instead, where he claims it's just the pragmatic thing to do, or possibly better, where he lampshades how pathetic that excuse would sound.

It's clear he's realized something, though:

QuoteIt's not the Brigade; it's just me and Haruhi.  I think I get why the others were really unable to make it, now, considering her earlier speech.

But does this mean the others deliberately stayed away, knowing what Haruhi wanted, or that she misrepresented why they declined, perhaps even to the point that she only really asked him?

The good thing about that line, though, is that the exact nature of it doesn't matter; the net effect is the same.

We have the poem, and then this critical passage:

Quote"I always knew there was someone amazing behind that stuffy exterior," she says quietly.  "A...alright, then--  I won't give away your secret identity as a space otaku."

Ouch!  But then I catch it -- that would be a genuine stutter, not a barely-concealed shiver.

"I don't care to be 'Vice Commander,' or 'Secretary,' or anything like that--  I'm 'member number one,' right?  So long as that stays true ... you'll always be the chief."

I leave it that, and Haruhi's hands shift, so she can hold my coat closed with one, while her other grabs my arm, hugging it to herself.  "Always," she answers softly.

She affirms that she'll always be the chief, or that she always knew he was amazing underneath?  Since both interpretations work (especially at the same time), I think this is actually just the right level of ambiguity...if that ambiguity was intended.  Kyon's manner of reassuring her is without a doubt spot-on.

From here, we have a bit with Tsuruya to cut the tension with a fang, and the always part is echoed:

Quote"I--  I still mean that," she mumbles.  "As long as you do too -- then ... _always_."

Oh, this is a bit too much, though; as well as things are going, we need to take a step back.  Haruhi seems to realize this, too, and lets go of my arm with what feels like reluctance, unlooping her scarf from her neck and leaving it all with me.

Kyon seems very in-control here, which strikes me as interesting, since Haruhi is such a force that I feel, to some extent, part of what might intimidate Kyon is just how strong a reaction she might evoke, but this is a very safe, secure place.  They're emotionally comfortable with each other here, so that level of control doesn't seem unwarranted.  Nevertheless, Kyon realizes they're too close without any particular fear (or wishful thinking) about what might happen if they did otherwise.

Finally,

Quote"Like I said," I allow with a resigned sigh, not looking forward to the walk back to where my bike is locked up, "as long as you're leading, well...."

She gives me an unreadable look.

"Always, Haruhi," I finish, as the basket gives a lurch, slowing dramatically as the crew below hauls us to a halt.

"Right!" she cheers, vaulting over the edge of the basket without hesitation the second it touches down, me not far behind.

And the pledge of trust is returned.  Always indeed.  This is a device I really like---when an innocuous word or object takes on particular meaning to two people.  Were this in the context of a larger story, it could be used and called upon again and again.  It's simple, it's powerful, and it works.

Sorry about the delay in replying; went home early with a gal bladder attack and then was sleeping it off. :x

Quote from: Muphrid on December 05, 2011, 03:37:15 PMWorking off the markdown version here; I'm unfashionably late again, but I do hope there's something useful here.

Quote"Near Kitayama Reservoir," she replies without hesitation, standing on the posts of my bicycle, her hands on my shoulders, firming her grip.  "Turn right; next course change in three kilometers."

This begs a snarky remark about Haruhi acting like a GPS, somehow.

I can see that working, yeah.  I'll revise it a little bit:

Quote from: revisionMost people would probably be pleased to have a GPS with the navigational guidance of a highschool girl's voice without having to buy it first.  For me, I almost step off the bike and let it fall over at that.  "Kitayama," I reply.  "By Kabuto-san?"

Quote from: Muphrid on December 05, 2011, 03:37:15 PM

QuoteWhen we get there, there's a small cluster of people waiting in line to fill out the proper forms and pay for their passes.  I'm totally unfamiliar with the process, but by watching intently, by the time Haruhi and I reach the front of the line, she's able to answer the questions as though she's been doing this for years.  The older woman behind the folding table gives the pair of us a cheerful smile once Haruhi hands over--

2 "by"s close together here.

Oops.  Hmm.  That is pree clumsy.  Let's see; how about:

Quote from: revisionsI'm totally unfamiliar with the process, but by watching intently, when Haruhi and I finally reach the front of the line, she's able to answer the questions as though she's been doing this for years.

Quote from: Muphrid on December 05, 2011, 03:37:15 PMWe have the coat bit, in which Kyon takes the third option of maximum fuzziness.  I feel like something small might be missing here.  It wouldn't be like Kyon to wax overtly affectionate toward Haruhi, granted, but an unreliable narrator angle could be played up instead, where he claims it's just the pragmatic thing to do, or possibly better, where he lampshades how pathetic that excuse would sound.

Hmm.  I want to be very careful about that.  I think given what I'm going for between Kyon and Haruhi here, it's better to veer away from Kyon being an unreliable narrator in terms of denying things (I did that enough when he was getting jealous of the pilot).  Instead, I like the tack of trying to pretend it's not an issue ... but maybe that's not entirely doable here.

So, I did add the third line in this paragraph:

Quote from: revisionsAnd then, even though it is just the two of us, and not actually talking about the Brigade at all, I answer: "It's my job to look out for the Brigade Chief, somehow.  After all, no one else could make it, right?"  There's no way I could ignore her when she's shivering like that.

Which feels evasive enough to fit with what I'm going for, since he's not saying, "because of the cold," but also not coming out and admitting, "because she's afraid she'll be alone after she's learned to appreciate others".

Quote from: Muphrid on December 05, 2011, 03:37:15 PMIt's clear he's realized something, though:

...

But does this mean the others deliberately stayed away, knowing what Haruhi wanted, or that she misrepresented why they declined, perhaps even to the point that she only really asked him?

The good thing about that line, though, is that the exact nature of it doesn't matter; the net effect is the same.

To be honest, even though I wrote it -- I don't know what the others are up to. ^_^;

Quote from: Muphrid on December 05, 2011, 03:37:15 PMShe affirms that she'll always be the chief, or that she always knew he was amazing underneath?  Since both interpretations work (especially at the same time), I think this is actually just the right level of ambiguity...if that ambiguity was intended.  Kyon's manner of reassuring her is without a doubt spot-on.

Totally unintentional.  But now that you mention it, I really like that extra layer.

/me pretends he meant to do that. >_>;;

Quote from: Muphrid on December 05, 2011, 03:37:15 PMKyon seems very in-control here, which strikes me as interesting, since Haruhi is such a force that I feel, to some extent, part of what might intimidate Kyon is just how strong a reaction she might evoke, but this is a very safe, secure place.  They're emotionally comfortable with each other here, so that level of control doesn't seem unwarranted.  Nevertheless, Kyon realizes they're too close without any particular fear (or wishful thinking) about what might happen if they did otherwise.

Hmm, I was aiming more for Kyon was nervous about trusting himself to keep that moment going too far, since he has no idea what Haruhi would let him get away with at that point.  I also liked the idea of affirming their connection and _not_ following it up with an explicit declaration of love or a kiss (the two great cliches of the WAFF fic).

Haruhi: "I'm up for either of those, incidentally."
Kyon: "Too fast!"
Haruhi: "We've got time~!"

Er, anyway.  Not sure how to highlight that more.  If I can think of some way to show that Kyon's nervous about pushing Haruhi too far (or not trusting himself to keep things going), I might add that in.

Otherwise:

Quote from: Muphrid on December 05, 2011, 03:37:15 PMFinally,

...

And the pledge of trust is returned.  Always indeed.  This is a device I really like---when an innocuous word or object takes on particular meaning to two people.  Were this in the context of a larger story, it could be used and called upon again and again.  It's simple, it's powerful, and it works.

Excellent!  Thanks for the feedback, Muphrid. :)

Glad you enjoyed it; for the first time in a long while I'm reasonably happy with a final draft without incredibly major revisions. ^_^;

Have to acknowledge that I've run out of time to do C&C in, and just give general impressions.

It's nice. I'm wondering if the correspondences to 'Whisper of the Heart' are intentional -- it feels a lot like the ending of that movie, what with the bike ride, "we have to get there before sunrise to see the view" bit, and later with them sharing the coat. I wasn't sure how many other things to expect getting crossed over from that movie. Makes me wonder what kind of view you'd get in the direction of Osaka if you were flying over Nishinomiya in a hot air balloon.

Intentional or not, it really helped me get into the story right from the start, since without it the waff wouldn't really kick in until Haruhi decides to pilot the balloon herself.

Throwing out a dumb idea completely idly,

You know, I didn't think of Whispers of the Heart?  It's been a long time since I've seen it, so it would have to have been subconscious on my part.  Interesting, though.

Well, as an intentional callout it would have been thematically appropriate, so... hooray for subconscious fridge brilliance? Personally I think it helped carry the story for me, since it probably sets the correct expectation for the level of WAFF I was about to see.

Although it's sort of ironic that

Had to share this here.

There's going to be a ton of cops chasing them after they land, but they won't be stopped.  They're on a mission from God.

Kyon: "It's fifteen kilometers to Nishinomiya. We've got a ten speed bike, half the paperwork for a hot air balloon ride, it's just after sunrise, and we're wearing one coat for the two of us."

Haruhi: "Hit it."

/Blues Brothers