Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMCorrections in the attachment, as usual. Got a few rough spots, but good overall. =)
Woot! Great to hear! :D
Okay, here goes (unless commented otherwise, used your grammar suggestions):
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AM"Yuki-chi" seems a bit awkward. I understand she's trying to go more personal than the old "Nagato-chi", but.
Hmm. I think this was supposed to be a 'chan'. Or maybe 'nyan'. Yeah -- that'll fit better for Tsuruya.
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMNo comma needed between 'handsome' and 'taller'. Rule of thumb: if you can switch the order of the adjectives and it still sounds natural, use a comma. If it sounds weird, don't. (e.g. "small red brick/red small brick")
Oops. I think I may have been going for the 'list of twelve descriptors when every other one of them is the same one' gag (ie., every other descriptor would be 'handsome') and then decided it wasn't a good fit for the scene. I'm honestly rather apathetic to the matchup, so trying to avoid poking too much fun at it. :x
Nonoko: Koizumi and Kyouko's relationship is
boring.
...may fit that in somewhere. >_>
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMThis seems to hint at some darker dealings with the old Organization. Not saying this is bad, but since it's possible foreshadowing I'm just pointing it out in case you want to follow it up later. Possible fuel for the esper ship?
Yeah, a little bit that, a little straight-up remorse/realization of how close Kyouko came to screwing things up with Sasaki forever.
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AM'might' feels a little weak here - I think she just plain -would- like it, myself. Why hedge, it's not like she's committing herself to a relationship here. =P
Fair enough!
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMI should probably check older chapters for review, but it strikes me that Kyouko should be rather apprehensive around Haruhi, at least based on canon reactions. She's the 'dangerous' holder of the powers, after all, and Kyouko seems like she'd be much more affected by that concern than Kuyou or Fujiwara would be (really, she's the only one that'd worry about it.) If you've already established that she's not, then that's fine, but I don't recall there ever being much interaction between Kyouko and Haruhi before now to fix that one way or the other. Ignore this comment as needed~
I think K:BDH has generally shied away from Haruhi/Kyouko interactions. They met at the beach, but Kyouko was busy trying to eschew responsibility for Mikuru's kidnapping at the time.
However -- you're right that she should be more apprehensive here. Also a good chance for her to be reassured by Koizumi's presence/work on the EsperxEsper ship by having her decide if he's so reasonable, she can't be
that bad ... though she'd still be a bit nervous.
Quote from: revision"Ah, Suzumiya-san!" Sasaki greeted, her face pinking slightly as Kyouko felt the girl's jolt of mild surprise. When she had a moment to clear her mind and think about things.... The same 'dangerous' and 'unstable' girl that she had been trying to take the power from in the room with Sasaki? The one she had wanted to give that power to?
"H...hey," Haruhi returned, nodding, then stepping in. Kuyou glided smoothly around her, stopping by Sasaki's side, though her gaze was still distant. "Um," Haruhi started, shaking her head, turning her attention to Kyouko.
The esper was struck silent, suddenly nervous. Was Haruhi going to be upset with her for her involvement? She suddenly wished for Koizumi's reassuring presence again, and clung to that thought like a lifeline. If Haruhi were even a fraction as reasonable as the other esper, surely Kyouko wouldn't have anything to be afraid of?
After a moment, Kyouko realized that the other girl was searching for something to say -- she probably still resented Kyouko's involvement in things, after all.... The esper hunched into herself slightly, and Haruhi quickly shook her head, turning her gaze out the darkened window.
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMRepetition of 'took' here. Maybe 'selected' for one of them instead?
Oh, right. How about 'chose'?
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMThis is the second time Sasaki says that Haruhi won't remember her. The only other issue I have here is 'where is Sasaki going with this?' She does bring it up, but what's the point in her doing so? Is she just trying to draw closer to Haruhi or what? It's not quite clear what her goal is in saying this, in this way, at this particular time.
I probably stopped writing for some distraction between the two mentions, and didn't catch that I'd already touched on that point.
Quote from: revision"You probably wouldn't recognize me," Sasaki allowed, folding her hands together and frowning. "I did cut my hair since then, as I said-- And we never shared a class. I ... somewhat admired you from afar, actually, and hoped that we'd be in the same class at some point. Unfortunately, across the years, that never came to pass, and when I selected my middle school, well ... you had gone elsewhere."
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMSasaki is coming across as really bad at getting to the point here. I know she's trying to avoid admitting her feelings for Kyon directly, but she also strikes me as really blunt, too - rather similar to Haruhi in that respect. I half expect she'd flat out say what she's thinking here, rather than dancing around the topic.
Hmmm. Okay. I'll aknowledge that this scene needs a rewrite, but I'm not up for it now. I can't see the outcome changing significantly. In the revision, she'll just come out and say it. Probably some time later today, after a restful nap.
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AM"I can't ... really talk about it to you yet" sounds kind of dismissive/distrustful. Which is the case here, and given Haruhi's lack of tact maybe even appropriate, but possibly something like "I can't... really get into any of the details yet" instead? Comes across as kind of harsh when Sasaki is trying to (somewhat clumsily) build a bridge between the two of them.
Woah, woah, woah-- What? Haruhi's basically saying, "That's classified. I'd tell you if I could." I can see it as being 'distrustful', because on some levels, it is. At the same time, Haruhi's presenting it like a security issue that goes beyond either of just the pair of them (which it is), not, "I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to."
I'm annoyed with myself that I left room in the narrative for your interpetation.
Okay -- that'll get scrubbed in the (more significantly than previously realized) required revamp. Maybe if I can't find a good treatment, I'll just drop all mention to it and have Sasaki know better than to ask; it's another one of those 'Brian included something meant to be incidental, and it's totally not' things I seem to keep stumbling into. :(
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMThis whole conversation seems a bit awkward; I think the main reason is that both Sasaki and Haruhi - who are notably direct/blunt personalities - are dancing around an issue here, and doing so feels a bit OOC for both of them. It's definitely an uncomfortable topic for both of them, but I don't see either one shying away from confronting something that makes them uncomfortable head-on, either. Haruhi's going to be a bit more subdued thanks to her little adventure earlier today, and Sasaki might be feeling a bit of the same due to her own abduction the day before, but if that's the reason for this coming out this way it might be helpful to draw attention to both factors in the narrative.
Nah, just a rewrite for most of the scene.
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMPicture here is good, but I think it'll flow a bit better if it's more spontaneous, rather than Sasaki asking directly. She sees Nonoko hugging onto Kyon or something, decides it's adorable, snaps a picture.
Hmm, and then asks for permission to keep it after the fact? That'd preserve the punchline-- Should be an easy fix. Okay. :)
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMHere, I'm kind of wondering what Sasaki's purpose in coming was? If she wanted to make sure Kyon was doing all right, that would make sense, but she doesn't even ask how he (or Nonoko) is doing here. I suppose she could have gotten derailed by Nonoko, but the scene comes across as "Sasaki shows up, gets yelled at by Nonoko, takes a picture, and leaves" which kind of points up the whole picture part - was the only thing she was doing there just a ploy to get a picture of Kyon? Doesn't seem like it should be that important.
She wanted to see Kyon, and didn't ask more questions because of the (now needing to be scrubbed), 'Can't tell you' scene above. It SHOULD have been an okay scene, but underlying dependancies have been removed. Will have to be revised ... I guess I can just have Sasaki focus on worrying about Kyon and his sister being well, and some small attempts at forging a connection with Nonoko. I think that'll flow.
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMHyphenated phrase should probably be "who looked like she was..." As written, it's not clear whether it's Haruhi who's feeling negative or one of the as-yet unnamed people on the couch with her.
Okay, will revise. :)
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMSeeing 'negative emotions' pop up a lot here, understandably so, but a synonym would probably be useful to avoid repetition. I shall continue to ponder this.
May not be much to be done, here.... I changed that last instance to simple 'feelings'.
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMThe absolute insistence on "Magical Radiant Nonoko" is cute, but it implies a lot more attachment to Nonoko on Ryouko's part. All well and good, but where did it come from, and has Ryouko stopped to consider it herself? I can see part of it being her trying to wind down from the day herself, but a connection between her emotional state and the MRN nickname might be useful.
I did have a plan for this, later. Do you think it feels like it's not adequately adressed if I don't put it in this chapter?
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMFirst sentence here is rather awkward. Maybe: "We need to come up with a good way to tell her about that, before she finds out in a bad way," Haruhi muttered...
Ooh. Yeah. How about:
Quote from: revision"We need to figure out how to break that to her before it gets sprung on her in a bad way," Haruhi muttered, turning from where she was sitting to hug Kyon, holding him tightly. He looked embarrassed, unable to meet the esper's eyes, but put one arm around the girl and hugged her back anyway. "That's not going to be fun."
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMI know this isn't Yuki, but would Kuyou call him 'Kyon'? Ignore if I'm making something out of nothing, of course.
I'm generally going with the idea that she calls him Kyon because she was told to. Many chapters ago she makes a reference to the fact that he is 'called' Kyon, but that's not his real identity, just like 'Kuyou' isn't hers. If that's no good, then ... what else should she call him?
Actually. She's never called him by name in dialog. I guess the simply dodge is (since she's looking at him already) revising from 'Kyon's' to 'yours'. There we go. Alright. We'll apply the Yuki/Kanae approach anyway. Ie., "Why don't you call him by name?" "That's is not his name."
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMMaybe 'Tsuru-nee' and 'Haru-nee' here? She's used those for them before.
I'm ... not sure, but almost positive I've avoided _all_ Japanese honorifics outside of dialog, except for 'Sempai' from Kanae's PoV, and possibly some (single-quoted) instances of 'Tsuruya-sama'. I will revise this one to 'two of her favorite big sisters', since explicit names feel a bit clunky.
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMRepetition of 'operation' here. Maybe 'bust' or 'sting'? They are more slangy, but.
Oh, I know-- 'Raid'. :D
Quote from: Halbarad on December 11, 2011, 11:02:10 AMQuoteBut narrowly missing it because she was distracted by a personal phone call? That lack of professionalism didn't feel like her. Then again, neither did 'being lucky', as opposed to carefully planning.
I'd use 'carefully planning', swap the word order.
Er? You mean, swap to 'planning carefully'? Your example is identical to my use, so just double-checking, here. Guessing that's the intent and revising accordingly, but if I'm wrong, lemme know. :)
Woot-- Okay, this chapter should need a lot less revision to get into good shape than the last, it seems. :D