Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

Okay -- it's a bit rushed and has some flaws; mostly a middle scene mirroring a later scene.  There's other details that could be much better, too.

But I'm trying to get myself back up to a reasonable writing speed again, so....

>_>;;

Edit: Ignore the header. <.<

Corrections inline, as usual. =)

QuoteThat plus the paunch he'd developed from working his way up as an accountant....  To say nothing of the lack of hair years of stress and poor genes had gifted him with.  He didn't fit the appearance of a yakuza, as much as a somewhat disheveled salaryman.

"lack of hair years of stress" didn't read as intended on first look.  Maybe add in a "that" in between?

QuoteHe hesitated, and Hiko fought down a smile, raising his eyebrows and thinking of a noodle place nearby.  Not controlled by the Yamiguchi-gumi, last he'd checked.  "Hey, talk about it over dinner?" he offered sympathetically.  "I know how that can go -- but I still have to make a late appointment tonight with my boss."

This is still Hiko talking?  WHy does he seem to indicate he can't go to dinner right after he offers to?


I don't know what to think of this passage.  Kunikida comes off a bit clueless or at least too engrossed in drowning his sorrows to think about (a) spilling his guts to a stranger and (b) taking a careful look at who this stranger might work for.  Granted, Hiko's less garish attire may attenuate the latter point.

QuoteShe broke off from that thought as she walked into the classroom with her distracted boy friend.  He was going on about that same job when she spotted Kyon, sitting at his desk in uniform and looking a little more worn than she expected.

Boyfriend?

Quote"'Too many bullets,' you complained," Haruhi retorted, unable to keep her grin from widening a little.  "It's a magic blade that can banish evil spirits and only causes normal people intense discomfort -- that seems to fit perfectly!"

It feels a little weird, having "you complained" right next to "Haruhi retorted"?


Eheh.  Kanae's drawings and the reactions to them are golden.

Quote"The physical existence of this current space is located at a node between two parallel membranes of this meta-dimensional object."

Putting my physicist hat on, I would suggest "higher" instead of "meta".

Quote"Within the manifold exist subordinate spaces," Yuki continued, "such as the closed spaces that Suzumiya Haruhi once created, the persistent alternate reality created last December, and more exotic spaces formed by Suou Kuyou, Suzumiya Haruhi, Sasaki Sasaki, or others."

"Subordinate" is a fine word, but you can consider "subspaces" instead if you like.

Quote"There are also volumes within the manifold that are empty, allowing the continued evolution of the Calabi-Yau manifold into different shapes.  While all of these spaces and potential spaces exist in a single contained function -- a 'reality' -- this present awareness and existence is an immeasurably insignificant fraction of all that potential and probability."

Optional: volumes -> hypervolumes, function -> metric?  (function doesn't really make sense there), all that potential and probability -> all possible configurations (combinations)?

Quote"The meta-reality occasionally entangles smaller, subordinate existences within the 'Combine' hyper-function -- their relative analog of a Calabi-Yau manifold.  The extra-dimensional membranes between the meta-reality and the subordinate realities collapse, merging the subordinate existences into the meta-space."

Okay, you have "meta" in a lot of places, so maybe replacing it before is unwarranted.  We might have to talk about what you mean by "hyper-function" (and "function" before) for me to relate what you're saying to jargon I'm more familiar with.

Hm, I guess you can use analog that way.  I'd always thought analogue and analog were different, but dictionary says otherwise.  Learn something new.

Quote"Well, then, if you've made that by Friday next week, your father will teach you how to drive as a reward for being such a well behaved son!  After all, you've ... only ever done the best you could, right?  Even if ... you're in a situation that would make <em>any</em> sane mother fear for her child...."

Is it "well-behaved"?

Hi guys, new at Soul Riders from the TV Tropes forum.  On to the feedback!

QuoteIgnoring them and their conversation, Mikuru and Tsuruya were engaged in giggling and pretending not to read further, respectively.

Maybe switch the order that the names are listed.

QuoteShe frowned, opening up her design par,"

Her what?

QuoteThe Combine perforate their Chorus for transfer of matter/energy and probability -- spin and string -- through this space.

So matter/energy is spin, and probability is string?  It seems like they were used the other way around previously, e.g. "Kuyou observed, senses filtering in every vibration in the surrounding corona of atoms: the merest, faintest wisps of oxygen, hydrogen, other trace strings spinning in known chords and notes."  I'll have to go over it again.

Quote"Maybe," Yuki allowed after a pause.

Just saying "Maybe" would be a first for Yuki.  She usually goes with "Possibly" instead.  I'm not sure if that's just an oversight or if you want to show her moving a little away from her Spock Speak.

QuoteI really don't want to go through it with this one.

I'm not quite sure what this means.  He doesn't want to go through dealing with feeling bad about damaging another reality?  It's not very clear.

The chapter itself had me cracking up quite a bit.  The sketchbooks were hilarious, especially Kyon's reaction to everyone apparently knowing how big his junk is and discussing it in front of him.  I suspect we're in for a mass Touhou cosplay and Haruhi telling her friends that she's in lesbian with Kanae.

Are you sure that the sword can't be named after the one from the Song of Roland?  I think that's a fine name for a sword, and we could maybe get away with adding the Creator Cameo to the tropes page. :)

Welcome to the boards, Empyrean.  Have a good time here :)

Hiko-san isn't interested in Dungeons, Dragons or roleplaying in general, i suspect, so this line:

QuoteThe stories also said that Kowa-Keigo-Kyon had summoned a demonic assistant composed of fire from the depths of the plane of yami.

feels a bit out of place, namely the "plane of yami". First of all, it would be Yomi, if i remember correctly, and second "plane" is a term i never heard used outside of roleplaying in this sense.

Maybe he's got an interest in European medieval cosmology. It happens.

Try "dephts of hell" or "depths of Hades" if you want to go fancy (except that i think Hades was actually cold. Ok, scratch Hades).

EDIT:

Quote"Maybe," Yuki allowed after a pause.

I agree, this sounds a tiny bit out of character. It's not that bad, but you could try "Possibly", i guess.  I doubt such small difference would have any bearing on an hypothetical japanese translation, so all in all, it's somewhat of a moot point.

I've heard of "planes" used in reference to medieval cosmology, coincidentally where my username comes from.  I'm pretty sure D&D picked up "planes" from the same place.

"Yami" means "darkness".  I think I've heard "Yomi" refer to some hell equivalent, but Google Translate suggests "読み" and tells me that it means "reading", so I don't know about that one.

Quote
Haruhi's energy was running lower than it should have been, considering how comfortably she had gotten to sleep the night before.

I know what that means: Offscreen Moment Of Awesome :(

Quote
He looked around, seeming to realize with annoyance that he was the last to arrive. The only members of the club who seemed not to be rattled or shaken by the constant chattering of their classmates were Yuki and Koizumi, the pair sitting at the table with a chessboard between them.

That was a bit of a surprise, but Haruhi turned her attention away from the esper and the alien, moving to the back of the classroom and pacing before the window, arms crossed over her chest. The curtains had been drawn, presumably to keep out anyone who was trying to stare inside, and Haruhi didn't feel like throwing them open. Kanae was slumped over the table, covering her head with both hands while Tsuruya and Mikuru -- on either side of her -- patted her back.

"clubroom" instead of "classroom".

It's probably nothing but I can't help but wonder about the sitting arrangement. If Kanae, Tsuruya and Mikuru are sitting in a row, how is possible that Yuki and Koizumi are sitting at the same table with a chessboard between them? It should be too uncomfortable if they are sitting across the long side of the table. Perhaps one of them sat at the head of the table and the other at the side with the chessboard placed diagonally near to the corner of the table or maybe Yuki and Koizumi are using that small round table where Yuki leaves the books that she is currently reading.

Quote
"Maybe size isn't the right word," Kyon joked weakly, pointing at Ryouko's small form.

Blinking up at him, she cocked her head to one side, looking mildly puzzled.

Kyon is a lot more relaxed around Ryouko. That's nice. :)

Quote
"And the sword?" Haruhi pressed. "Named after a legendary magical blade, right? Like, from some ancient legend – a weapon from the battle of Troy, and featured in the 'Song of Roland'!"

"Somehow, that particular name felt overused," Kyon said, shaking his head.

xD

Quote
Tsuruya snickered, straightening the hat on her head out and giving Kanae a final comforting squeeze before setting another sketchbook before her. "Grass cutter!" she teased.

"Not bad -- but you should call it, 'Hakurouken,'" the brigade chief declared, grinning. "How's that sound?"

Did Tsuruya suggest "Kusanagi"? It makes a lot of sense considering her upbringing.

Hakurouken... Dual Wielding?

Quote
The Brigade chief's expression soured further. "So we can protect ourselves and can't help them?" she groused. "That sucks! I don't want to win a war like that if we have to hurt people!"

*rises eyebrows* I didn't expect that, but it makes a lot of sense in Haruhi's case. Similar reaction to Kuyou's "What is 'innocent'?"

Quote
"Pretty impressive for someone they just found out was free today," Kyon said after watching the last envelope fly out and smack into his chest, bouncing off and then drifting to the floor.

That can be interpreted in two non-mutually exclusive ways: the boys of the school think that Haruhi is a lot nicer than before or they are assuming that Haruhi should be vulnerable in that situation.

I wonder if there will be a reaction to the rumors of the engagement from the girls who thought of trying to confess to Kyon.



I love the scene at the end with Kyon and his family.

I think I'll need to reread the explanation about the Combine and the mechanics of realities more carefully before making a comment on it.

Good to know that the world of the fourth novel is still around. If there is ever a need for a shorthand name for K:BDH!world and The Disappearance!world I suggest Earth′ (Earth Prime) and Earth″ (Earth Double Prime) respectively, as a shoutout to the TV series "Sliders".

Mixed feelings about Slider!Kuyou (the "Other") Posthumous Character status.

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PM
I suspect we're in for a mass Touhou cosplay and Haruhi telling her friends that she's in lesbian with Kanae.

I'm not sure that Yanagimoto and Sakanaka would buy it. To their eyes, Haruhi is really in love with Kyon and I don't think that they would be convinced that Haruhi just shifted her interest to someone else, especially after Haruhi revealed that she already knew about the engagement. A "bi the way" approach?

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 08:51:47 PM
"Yami" means "darkness". I think I've heard "Yomi" refer to some hell equivalent, but Google Translate suggests "読み" and tells me that it means "reading", so I don't know about that one.

Yomi → よみ:

Quote from: EDICT
陰府 [よみ] /(gikun) (n) path to the netherworld (underworld)/Hades/Hell/
黄泉 [よみ] /(n) (1) Hades/hell/underworld/
読み [よみ] /(n) reading/(P)/

Why is "reading" even in that list? O_O

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AM
Yomi → よみ:

Quote from: EDICT
陰府 [よみ] /(gikun) (n) path to the netherworld (underworld)/Hades/Hell/
黄泉 [よみ] /(n) (1) Hades/hell/underworld/
読み [よみ] /(n) reading/(P)/

Why is "reading" even in that list? O_O

Because you entered simply 'よみ' as the reading, and that's a valid definition. 'よみ' (also written as 読み) is one form of the verb '読む', which means 'to read'; you usually see this referring to on-yomi or kun-yomi, which are the Chinese and Japanese readings for kanji (respectively).

Other terms for hell would include 'makai' (魔界) or 'jigoku' (地獄). Makai refers to a place where demons/oni/other evil spirits or youkai live, while jigoku is more towards the Western concept of hell - a rather unpleasant place where the dead go for punishment for their sins in life.

Quote from: Halbarad on January 06, 2012, 02:39:05 PMCorrections inline, as usual. =)

And a response that's slow, as also usual. >_>

Speaking of which, if I didn't comment on a suggestion it's because I used it. :)



Okay--  As always, thanks greatly for the feedback. :D

*crawls late and bleary-eyed into the thread*

Disclaimer: may overlap with other people's commentary. Consists mostly of two possibly irrelevant cents on the sketchbook scene.

EDIT: instances of 'brain bleach' replaced with 'brain Windex'. It has come to my attention that 'brain bleach' is a term that generally applies to really nauseatingly horror-inducing stuff, which is not the case here.



[/spoiler]

Just a little thing:

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AM
...brain bleach...

(http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lp4aguFYJR1qbbpaoo1_500.jpg)

... right. Checking now, I see TV Tropes states that 'Brain Bleach' should only be used when you think something is so awful that... well, I guess it makes you physically want to chug bleach to distract from the memory? That... was not the level of emphasis I was hoping to achieve. My bad, misjudging the strength of the term and thus writing something abusive. Yet again.

Just this once I'm going to break on my policy of not retro-editing embarrassing things I have said (the damage is generally done by the time I get around to doing that) and replace instances of 'brain bleach' in the above commentary with 'brain Windex.'

To be fair, the familiar usage of "brain bleach" has evolved to refer to imagery or stimulus designed to 'cleanse the palate' after having been subjected to a powerfully negative stimulus. So depending on your orientation, kyon/koizumi yaoi could be powerful brain bleach indeed.
themoreyouknow.jpg

Eh, I think the intent of the metaphor is that the brain is like a tapestry, and by bleaching away the memory, it's like it never existed.

But yeah, I can see that there were uncomfortable parts, but Kanae has a covert pervert streak and this scene just expanded on that.  Granted, people may not look at her quite the same after that level of detail, but...

Quote from: Muphrid on January 09, 2012, 12:34:13 AM
Eh, I think the intent of the metaphor is that the brain is like a tapestry, and by bleaching away the memory, it's like it never existed.

But yeah, I can see that there were uncomfortable parts, but Kanae has a covert pervert streak and this scene just expanded on that.  Granted, people may not look at her quite the same after that level of detail, but...

I guess the salient portion of my criticism is that I read a certain amount of parody out of the scene, exhibiting some justified disdain for people who have the tremendous bad taste to ship Kyon and Koizumi in ways that defy any sense of character logic. (And, by extension, to people who peddle spectacularly poorly written yaoi/yuri in general.) Which is all well and good, but (based on how I'm reading it) some of this criticism might be sticking to Kanae (particularly since she's shipping people she knows firsthand, not fictional characters), producing a negative impression of the character that Brian might not have intended. I don't know for certain if other people are seeing it that way.

Everything else I've said around the topic is probably just bluster.

Sorry about the delay in replying; was doing some website overhauls. >_>;;

And then distracted by Shamisen.

And then....

>.>;;

Sorry. :)

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PM"lack of hair years of stress" didn't read as intended on first look.  Maybe add in a "that" in between?

Y...es--  That seems like a good idea. :D

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PMThis is still Hiko talking?  WHy does he seem to indicate he can't go to dinner right after he offers to?

I'll have to be clearer with this, I guess.

Quote from: revision"I know how that can go -- but I still have to make a late appointment tonight with my boss." he offered sympathetically.  "Hey, talk about it over dinner?  I still have a little bit of time before I have to meet with him."

Does this work better?

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PMI don't know what to think of this passage.  Kunikida comes off a bit clueless or at least too engrossed in drowning his sorrows to think about (a) spilling his guts to a stranger and (b) taking a careful look at who this stranger might work for.  Granted, Hiko's less garish attire may attenuate the latter point.

Hmm.  I plan to touch on this more in later chapters, but it won't do any good if this comes across as implausible or Idiot Ball usage.  I was trying for the angle of, "Well, this guy's a stranger I'll never see again, so what will it hurt to say it all?" -- should I maybe emphasise this more from Hiko's PoV?

(Also, I may change that name. :x)

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PMBoyfriend?

Oops!

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PM

Quote"'Too many bullets,' you complained," Haruhi retorted, unable to keep her grin from widening a little.  "It's a magic blade that can banish evil spirits and only causes normal people intense discomfort -- that seems to fit perfectly!"

It feels a little weird, having "you complained" right next to "Haruhi retorted"?

Oh, man.  Didn't see that--  The easy solution is to shift 'You complained' to the start of the sentence.  It's still double speech indicators, but that helps a little.  I think. <_<;

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PMEheh.  Kanae's drawings and the reactions to them are golden.

Yay~!  I was afraid of it being over-the-top. :D

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PM

"Subordinate" is a fine word, but you can consider "subspaces" instead if you like.

Quote"There are also volumes within the manifold that are empty, allowing the continued evolution of the Calabi-Yau manifold into different shapes.  While all of these spaces and potential spaces exist in a single contained function -- a 'reality' -- this present awareness and existence is an immeasurably insignificant fraction of all that potential and probability."

Optional: volumes -> hypervolumes, function -> metric?  (function doesn't really make sense there), all that potential and probability -> all possible configurations (combinations)?

Hypervolumes works.  Not sure about functions.  As an armchair physicist who follows the discipline primarily for an understanding of stellar phenomena, let me apologize in advance for what's about to happen.  Namely, "I can't science." 

Here, 'function' is just the word to encapsulate whatever the highest 'known' order facet of reality is.  I'm kind of vague on it because I'm not very specific--  If we say our reality is (effectively) a shadow cast by higher-order objects in dimensions we can't properly percieve, that object is the Calabi-Yau manifold.  I suppose it could be 'object,' too, but I wanted to hilight how alien the Combine universe was by giving it (to Yuki) an unrecognizable shape.

Suggestions?

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PMOkay, you have "meta" in a lot of places, so maybe replacing it before is unwarranted.  We might have to talk about what you mean by "hyper-function" (and "function" before) for me to relate what you're saying to jargon I'm more familiar with.

Hm, I guess you can use analog that way.  I'd always thought analogue and analog were different, but dictionary says otherwise.  Learn something new.

Damn you, Common Usage?  Many a great word has become less because of constant improper use. :\

And, yeah, 'hyper-function' and 'function' are supposed to be the relative forms of the realities.

Quote from: Muphrid on January 06, 2012, 05:24:04 PMIs it "well-behaved"?

I believe so; I'm pretty bad about that.  Changed all three instances in this chapter.

Okay--  Sorry again for the delay in replying, and thanks for the feedback. :D

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 09, 2012, 07:30:43 PMI guess the salient portion of my criticism is that I read a certain amount of parody out of the scene, exhibiting some justified disdain for people who have the tremendous bad taste to ship Kyon and Koizumi in ways that defy any sense of character logic. (And, by extension, to people who peddle spectacularly poorly written yaoi/yuri in general.) Which is all well and good, but (based on how I'm reading it) some of this criticism might be sticking to Kanae (particularly since she's shipping people she knows firsthand, not fictional characters), producing a negative impression of the character that Brian might not have intended. I don't know for certain if other people are seeing it that way.

Everything else I've said around the topic is probably just bluster.

Eh -- I'll come back to this, but don't sell yourself so short.  I agree that the whole thing does run the risk of making Kanae look very shallow, and that's something I want to avoid.

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PMHi guys, new at Soul Riders from the TV Tropes forum.  On to the feedback!

Hooray--  Welcome~!  Sorry for the delay in responding. :3

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PM

QuoteIgnoring them and their conversation, Mikuru and Tsuruya were engaged in giggling and pretending not to read further, respectively.

Maybe switch the order that the names are listed.

Oops!  Fixed. :)

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PM

QuoteShe frowned, opening up her design par,"

Her what?

That should have been 'pad.' >.>;;

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PM

QuoteThe Combine perforate their Chorus for transfer of matter/energy and probability -- spin and string -- through this space.

So matter/energy is spin, and probability is string?  It seems like they were used the other way around previously, e.g. "Kuyou observed, senses filtering in every vibration in the surrounding corona of atoms: the merest, faintest wisps of oxygen, hydrogen, other trace strings spinning in known chords and notes."  I'll have to go over it again.

Matter/energy and probability are all 'spin and string.'  Really, the term should effectively mean, 'The stuff that reality is made of.'  Not sure if I should clarify that, or make it more vague -- or just leave it as is.

Hm.

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PMJust saying "Maybe" would be a first for Yuki.  She usually goes with "Possibly" instead.  I'm not sure if that's just an oversight or if you want to show her moving a little away from her Spock Speak.

Alrighty--  Possibly it is.

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PM

QuoteI really don't want to go through it with this one.

I'm not quite sure what this means.  He doesn't want to go through dealing with feeling bad about damaging another reality?  It's not very clear.

Revised!

Quote from: revisionKyon looked about to retort something, but bit his tongue.  A moment later he allowed, "I don't like to fight, but I know what you mean.  It was hard enough thinking I might have destroyed that other reality in December ... so every time Yuki mentions that it's still around I feel a little better--  I really don't want to have to destroy a universe, if I managed to avoid it once before."

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PMThe chapter itself had me cracking up quite a bit.  The sketchbooks were hilarious, especially Kyon's reaction to everyone apparently knowing how big his junk is and discussing it in front of him.  I suspect we're in for a mass Touhou cosplay and Haruhi telling her friends that she's in lesbian with Kanae.

Well, that joke specifically got pulled for being a liiiiittle too over the top. XD

But I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Quote from: Empyrean on January 06, 2012, 06:57:49 PMAre you sure that the sword can't be named after the one from the Song of Roland?  I think that's a fine name for a sword, and we could maybe get away with adding the Creator Cameo to the tropes page. :)

Someone already spotted the Creator Cameo. ;D

And I think this suffices -- I don't need anything more blatant than this. ^_^;;  I think I wouldn't have done it if I didn't vaguely recall the suggestion being tossed out in the Troper thread. :p

Thanks again for taking the time to comment. ^_^

Actually, Kanae being rather shallow would fit her background quite well. For X number of years, she's never interacted with the same group of people for more than a few weeks at a time, to the point where sliding off after a certain period of time becomes a habit. Given that she's focused on Kyon in a form of hero-worship, she would be fairly shallow in dealing with anyone else; why bother to get to know other people when at most she's going to lose all contact with them forever in a matter of days? I'd say that she doesn't even know Kyon that well, despite the fact that she practically worships the ground he walks on; all she knows about him is that he's always willing to help her, and a lot of what she's done for him has been out of gratitude for that, not even so much out of friendship.

Glossing over personalities for her is born from habit (and to a degree, necessity, since constantly being ripped away from friends would be that much more traumatic than what she's already been through). It's going to take a lot of work for her to see pretty much anyone as more than just a person-shaped blob, since opening up to people, or spending any kind of significant time with them, has not been a luxury she's had in a very long time.

Whew -- more replies. @_@

Quote from: Agasa on January 06, 2012, 07:39:33 PMHiko-san isn't interested in Dungeons, Dragons or roleplaying in general, i suspect, so this line:

QuoteThe stories also said that Kowa-Keigo-Kyon had summoned a demonic assistant composed of fire from the depths of the plane of yami.

feels a bit out of place, namely the "plane of yami". First of all, it would be Yomi, if i remember correctly, and second "plane" is a term i never heard used outside of roleplaying in this sense.

Maybe he's got an interest in European medieval cosmology. It happens.

Hiko: "I'll have you know -- while I may be a yakuza accountant/investigator by day ... by night, I am a seventh level druid!"
Daitokuji: "Uh, yeah--  The GM's incarcerated for gun-running.  Also, you missed the last session, and Goro's rogue used you as a meat shield against some wights."
Hiko: D:
Daitokuji: "Reroll from level one."
Hiko: ._.

Actually, even though that's where the term gets the most use, I'm sure it's elsewhere.  Uh....

...can't recall.  I don't personally think it's a problem, but maybe that's a flaw of me being so immersed in gamer lore.

Quote from: Agasa on January 06, 2012, 07:39:33 PMTry "dephts of hell" or "depths of Hades" if you want to go fancy (except that i think Hades was actually cold. Ok, scratch Hades).

How about: "The stories _also_ said that Kowa-Keigo Kyon had summoned a demonic assistant composed of fire from some hellish netherworld."

Also, thanks for the feedback, as always. ;)

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AMI know what that means: Offscreen Moment Of Awesome :(

Author successfully evades: "What kind of physical arrangement do they even HAVE for that, anyway?!"

(Though, this time around, with Nonoko there....)

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AM
"clubroom" instead of "classroom".

Oops!

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AMIt's probably nothing but I can't help but wonder about the sitting arrangement. If Kanae, Tsuruya and Mikuru are sitting in a row, how is possible that Yuki and Koizumi are sitting at the same table with a chessboard between them? It should be too uncomfortable if they are sitting across the long side of the table. Perhaps one of them sat at the head of the table and the other at the side with the chessboard placed diagonally near to the corner of the table or maybe Yuki and Koizumi are using that small round table where Yuki leaves the books that she is currently reading.

Hmm.  I've been going with the idea that four people could sit to one side of the table.  Giving it a maximum capacity of 10--  Unless Haruhi moves her desk up to the table again.  Generally, she's been trying to spend more time at the table with the brigade than at her own desk.

So, Tsuruya, Kanae, Mikuru, Koizumi, with Yuki on the opposite side of the table and three free seats at her side.  No good?

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AMKyon is a lot more relaxed around Ryouko. That's nice. :)

Kyon: "I just can't hold a grudge."

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AM

Quote"And the sword?" Haruhi pressed. "Named after a legendary magical blade, right? Like, from some ancient legend – a weapon from the battle of Troy, and featured in the 'Song of Roland'!"

"Somehow, that particular name felt overused," Kyon said, shaking his head.

xD

:D

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AMDid Tsuruya suggest "Kusanagi"? It makes a lot of sense considering her upbringing.

Yes she did. :)

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AM*rises eyebrows* I didn't expect that, but it makes a lot of sense in Haruhi's case. Similar reaction to Kuyou's "What is 'innocent'?"

Glad those worked. :)

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AMI wonder if there will be a reaction to the rumors of the engagement from the girls who thought of trying to confess to Kyon.

Possibly, but I don't see any of the girls at the school being willing to raise a ruckus with Tsuruya over it.

Tsuruya: "He's mine, nyoro~!  Back off, or I'll laughs at you~!  >:3"

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AMI love the scene at the end with Kyon and his family.

I think I'll need to reread the explanation about the Combine and the mechanics of realities more carefully before making a comment on it.

Good to know that the world of the fourth novel is still around. If there is ever a need for a shorthand name for K:BDH!world and The Disappearance!world I suggest Earth' (Earth Prime) and Earth? (Earth Double Prime) respectively, as a shoutout to the TV series "Sliders".

Glad those things work; I'll keep the shoutout in mind, too. :D

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AMMixed feelings about Slider!Kuyou (the "Other") Posthumous Character status.

Yeah ... the other Kuyou was actually glad to take the exit she saw.  The Combine are [not nice people].

Kind of potential mood whiplash -- there was some feedback elsewhere about the Brigade seeming to be indifferent to the damage done to the Combine universe and the (potentially) innocent lives there.  This was to address that and expand on the fate of other!Kuyou more definitively.

Thanks for the feedback. :D

Quote

Quote from: revision"I know how that can go -- but I still have to make a late appointment tonight with my boss." he offered sympathetically.  "Hey, talk about it over dinner?  I still have a little bit of time before I have to meet with him."

Does this work better?

I think that works.

QuoteHmm.  I plan to touch on this more in later chapters, but it won't do any good if this comes across as implausible or Idiot Ball usage.  I was trying for the angle of, "Well, this guy's a stranger I'll never see again, so what will it hurt to say it all?" -- should I maybe emphasise this more from Hiko's PoV?

(Also, I may change that name. :x)

It could just be a knack he has--coming off as trustworthy and acting as a confidante to strangers, making him an asset in that way.

...so, though it may be unusual, Hiko can lampshade it as something even he doesn't understand, but from experience, he knows it works, and that Kunikida spills to him isn't a surprise.

QuoteHypervolumes works.  Not sure about functions.  As an armchair physicist who follows the discipline primarily for an understanding of stellar phenomena, let me apologize in advance for what's about to happen.  Namely, "I can't science."

Here, 'function' is just the word to encapsulate whatever the highest 'known' order facet of reality is.  I'm kind of vague on it because I'm not very specific--  If we say our reality is (effectively) a shadow cast by higher-order objects in dimensions we can't properly percieve, that object is the Calabi-Yau manifold.  I suppose it could be 'object,' too, but I wanted to hilight how alien the Combine universe was by giving it (to Yuki) an unrecognizable shape.

Suggestions?

So, I think the idea is that the Combine hail from a different manifold, and you used "function" to emphasize this is different?

After doing some refresher reading on string theory, let me see if I understand what's basically going on.  I did read Brian Greene's book years ago, so this isn't all new to me, but it's still a bit difficult to digest.  I think what you're going for is stuff about brane cosmology, so I think it can be seen as follows:

Imagine a narrow rectangular tube with some number of wires running down its length.  Our wires are perfectly one-dimensional, but the tube is three-dimensional.  Strings have their endpoints on wires, and either they connect two separate wires or they reside entirely on the same wire.  The movements of wires relative to each other stretch or compress strings that connect them, and so on.

The analogy, then, is that the (edit: cross-section of the) rectangular tube represents the Calabi-Yau manifold, except in this example it has one long dimension and only two compact ones instead of four long dimensions (3 space, 1 time) and 6 compact ones (I'm not even going to pretend to know how the 11th dimension works).  The wires are universes, and the collision of wires (or branes) could cause a big bang and create another universe or something.

So I think the Combine aren't from our Calabi Yau manifold multiverse but from a different manifold entirely?

Granted, I am no expert on string theory, and you should take whatever fits or makes sense with what you have.

Quote from: Halbarad on January 09, 2012, 08:23:41 PM
Actually, Kanae being rather shallow would fit her background quite well. For X number of years, she's never interacted with the same group of people for more than a few weeks at a time, to the point where sliding off after a certain period of time becomes a habit. Given that she's focused on Kyon in a form of hero-worship, she would be fairly shallow in dealing with anyone else; why bother to get to know other people when at most she's going to lose all contact with them forever in a matter of days? &c &c

Right, that's a valid possible characterization. But if we're going that route intentionally, there's probably better ways to establish traits like that than by focusing on Kanae's moe exterior for K*500 chapters, and then ripping the exterior away by showing how she spends her time fantasizing about Brigade members. Or at least someone in the Brigade could notice -- maybe Brian was planning to go in this direction with further chapters, which would mitigate the negative aspects of the scene somewhat -- that this isn't just a cute perversion, but a symptom of issues that she might honestly need the other members' sympathy and understanding to resolve. (As opposed to just revulsion on the part of Kyon, and a lighthearted slap on the wrist.)

At least that's the impression I get if I try to factor this interpretation into what I remember of the story so far.

This being a part of Kanae's personality isn't really something that's been untelegraphed in prior chapters; her first 'breakdown' with Haruhi confronting her about how long she's been jumping is a pretty major hint (back in Chapter 22 - Homecoming (Take Two)). I think if anything, this is just serving to highlight how far the problem goes; the fact that Kanae is afraid/unable to connect with other people isn't really new, but this incident serves to show just how large an issue it is for her - or that it's so ingrained that she doesn't even stop to think about it anymore.

Quote from: Halbarad on January 07, 2012, 02:14:53 PM

Quote from: Specular on January 07, 2012, 11:18:20 AM
Yomi → よみ:

Quote from: EDICT
陰府 [よみ] /(gikun) (n) path to the netherworld (underworld)/Hades/Hell/
黄泉 [よみ] /(n) (1) Hades/hell/underworld/
読み [よみ] /(n) reading/(P)/

Why is "reading" even in that list? O_O

Because you entered simply 'よみ' as the reading, and that's a valid definition. 'よみ' (also written as 読み) is one form of the verb '読む', which means 'to read'; you usually see this referring to on-yomi or kun-yomi, which are the Chinese and Japanese readings for kanji (respectively).

... Yomiko Readman. Doh! *facepalm*

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AM*crawls late and bleary-eyed into the thread*

Disclaimer: may overlap with other people's commentary. Consists mostly of two possibly irrelevant cents on the sketchbook scene.

EDIT: instances of 'brain bleach' replaced with 'brain Windex'. It has come to my attention that 'brain bleach' is a term that generally applies to really nauseatingly horror-inducing stuff, which is not the case here.

Generally, you apply brain bleach after high octane nightmare/nausea fuel or squick.

Something like Melancholy Princess -- THAT is cause for brain bleach (if you're not familiar with this work -- do not seek to become so, unless NTR is your thing.  Was dared to read it -- so ... much ... hate...).

...gonna be out in the hall throwing up about ... something else for a few minutes.

*bleah*

Anyway.  Back to regularly scheduled (and very late) responses:

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AM

QuoteBefore Tsuruya could press on the issue, she pulled one of her sketchbooks out, checking which one it was quickly.

... "furtively checking which one it was." (Or just "quickly checking which one it was.")?
... "furtively glancing inside to check which one it was."
... "giving a furtive glance inside to check which one it was."

I'll go with the first one -- that scans nicely. :)

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AMbrain Windex:

I think it's just mild squick?

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AMThe last one unfortunately reminded me of a much dumber joke in Tea of Sagittarius, which also centered around Haruhi's estimate of Kyon's junk.

I ... don't recall that.  There must have been more translating done.  Maybe I'll take another look at it.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AMAnd the crowning prize of brain Windex is:

[...]

It's not so much the detail of the act, it's the fact that I wind up contemplating the total lack of characterization this sort of setup implies for Kanae's doujin. It made Kanae seem a bit creepy to me, drawing hentai doujin in which she looks at people she interacts with on a daily basis that way. Realistically a person who did something like that wouldn't get off so easily.

Maybe that could be lessened with another layer of indirection, where she's drawing something like a Trope-tan hentai and it becomes obvious / is heavily implied that the couple are a conscious or unconscious proxy for Kyon and Koizumi?

Though not sure if Trope-tan has enough elements that have been introduced to pull something like that off without an awkward exposition dump about Trope-tan. The contrivances necessary might even result in an implied plot line that's actually subtly kinky and/or romantic rather than just bile-inducing, which would nullify some of the trolling aspect of this scene.

Another, less difficult change, would be just giving some detail that implies that this is Kanae's (best effort at) a romantic yaoi rather than a badly-characterized ecchi one. Which would probably fix the issue of Kanae coming across as creepy through this SOS Brigade yaoi.

Hmm.

Quote from: Halbarad on January 09, 2012, 08:23:41 PMActually, Kanae being rather shallow would fit her background quite well. For X number of years, she's never interacted with the same group of people for more than a few weeks at a time, to the point where sliding off after a certain period of time becomes a habit. Given that she's focused on Kyon in a form of hero-worship, she would be fairly shallow in dealing with anyone else; why bother to get to know other people when at most she's going to lose all contact with them forever in a matter of days? I'd say that she doesn't even know Kyon that well, despite the fact that she practically worships the ground he walks on; all she knows about him is that he's always willing to help her, and a lot of what she's done for him has been out of gratitude for that, not even so much out of friendship.

Glossing over personalities for her is born from habit (and to a degree, necessity, since constantly being ripped away from friends would be that much more traumatic than what she's already been through). It's going to take a lot of work for her to see pretty much anyone as more than just a person-shaped blob, since opening up to people, or spending any kind of significant time with them, has not been a luxury she's had in a very long time.

I think the solution may be a compromise between these two; I agree that Arakawa pointed out it does make Kanae look shallow and less likable.  But Hal makes a good point, too.  I think if I shift it as per Arakawa's suggestion so that they're (for example) characters of various anime she's watched that just happen to look _unreasonably like_ Kyon/Koizumi, then that mitigates some of it.  And instead of being totally PWP, it's a thinly veiled proxy (which is not ... a whole lot better).

Haruhi's reaction also needs to be modified to be less supportive of the 'PWP is okay' aspect, since it otherwise comes across as her thinking the approach is without flaws.  That also makes the one that Haruhi found (that's actually Kanae/Kyon/Haruhi) something she'll see as a step up, since it's Kanae trying to do something that's got a romantic basis on the two people in the Brigade she's closest to.  So Haruhi can praise the one and restrain herself from more because of the fear of Kanae running away again.

This also gives Haruhi something specific to work on in recognizing what kinds of issues Kanae has been avoiding (because that's the nature of her game).  Does this sound workable?

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AMMeh, it's just a funny scene. Given the subject matter, needing to Windex your brain a bit afterwards might be inevitable.

Somewhat.  You're right that I also wanted to bring in parodies of the general fujoshi-vision take on fanfiction in general, and Kyon/Koizumi shippers specifically.  Of course, invoking that also brings with it the risk of pinning that negative image on Kanae.  Giving her a more balanced take where her approach is a result of her lack of ability to form real bonds (in previous worlds) and something she wants to work on sounds like a good idea to me.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AM

Quoteresonating at the edges of Koizumi's powers to detect.

"... resonating almost beyond the edge of Koizumi's power to detect it." /
"... resonating just at the edges of Koizumi's powers to detect it."

I'm not sure about the 'it' at the end -- I don't think that's needed.  I'll go with the first one, though.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AM

QuoteKuyou gave a short nod. "They destroy the space between spaces," she answered.

*snort*

Of course!

Why didn't I realize it earlier!

Spoiler: ShowHide

Kuyou is George Lucas in disguise!

I didn't remember that line from the movie.  I guess that popularized it, but it's a much older term than that. >_>[/spoiler]

Alright--  Thanks for the feedback, and sorry about the unintended squick.

I seem to be really good at that. >_<

Quote from: Specular on January 08, 2012, 06:41:39 PM
Just a little thing:

Spoiler: ShowHide

[...]

Ryouko seems to come back to Kyon's coat pocket without apparent reason.

Gah!  Now that's a gaffe. >.>  She'll move once and stay there. <_<;;

Quote from: Muphrid on January 09, 2012, 08:57:19 PM

Quote[...]  I was trying for the angle of, "Well, this guy's a stranger I'll never see again, so what will it hurt to say it all?" -- should I maybe emphasise this more from Hiko's PoV?

(Also, I may change that name. :x)

It could just be a knack he has--coming off as trustworthy and acting as a confidante to strangers, making him an asset in that way.

...so, though it may be unusual, Hiko can lampshade it as something even he doesn't understand, but from experience, he knows it works, and that Kunikida spills to him isn't a surprise.

That makes sense; I'll revise that once I get home from work.

Hiko: "My stats are primarily in the social pool~!"
Daitokuji: "Obviously not in appearance."
Hiko: "...shut up and go back to jail."

Quote from: Muphrid on January 09, 2012, 08:57:19 PMSo, I think the idea is that the Combine hail from a different manifold, and you used "function" to emphasize this is different?

After doing some refresher reading on string theory, let me see if I understand what's basically going on.  I did read Brian Greene's book years ago, so this isn't all new to me, but it's still a bit difficult to digest.  I think what you're going for is stuff about brane cosmology, so I think it can be seen as follows:

Imagine a narrow rectangular tube with some number of wires running down its length.  Our wires are perfectly one-dimensional, but the tube is three-dimensional.  Strings have their endpoints on wires, and either they connect two separate wires or they reside entirely on the same wire.  The movements of wires relative to each other stretch or compress strings that connect them, and so on.

The analogy, then, is that the (edit: cross-section of the) rectangular tube represents the Calabi-Yau manifold, except in this example it has one long dimension and only two compact ones instead of four long dimensions (3 space, 1 time) and 6 compact ones (I'm not even going to pretend to know how the 11th dimension works).  The wires are universes, and the collision of wires (or branes) could cause a big bang and create another universe or something.

So I think the Combine aren't from our Calabi Yau manifold multiverse but from a different manifold entirely?

Granted, I am no expert on string theory, and you should take whatever fits or makes sense with what you have.

That's exactly what I'm trying to go for.  Ie., if the baseline world of K:BDH takes place in one 'metaverse,' the Disappearance reality is foreign, but also exists within the same superstructure.  The Combine forces are from an even more removed reality.

(Also, the fact that they use Xen as a transport medium isn't doing their reality many favors, but that's actually canon for the HL universe, even if they wisely tend to shy away from anything approaching real science.)

Right, they're some from other multiverse, okay.  Still not sure what other words might fit; "function" still strikes me as odd, but since we're talking about something that really stretches the vocabulary, maybe it says something that "function" is the word used.

Quote from: Brian on January 09, 2012, 09:29:35 PM
It does--  Social or political maneuvering.

Right, but I've only ever seen "manoeuvre" (without an object), or at best "manoeuvre someone into doing something else", never just "manoeuvre stuff". Then again "manoeuvre stuff around" makes perfect sense to me, so it must be I'm wrong somewhere...

_{Aside: finally giving up and concluding that OS X Lion's "Canadian" spelling autocorrection is irredeemably bad and not worth constantly fighting with. Will be off figuring out how to disable it.}

Anyhow, you sound more sure about usage of "manouevre" than I am.

Quote from: Brian on January 09, 2012, 09:29:35 PM

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AMbrain Windex:

I think it's just mild squick?

I'm going to stand by 'Brain Windex' being the preferred chemical for getting rid of mild cases of squick.

Quote from: Brian on January 09, 2012, 09:29:35 PM

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 08, 2012, 12:23:46 AMThe last one unfortunately reminded me of a much dumber joke in Tea of Sagittarius, which also centered around Haruhi's estimate of Kyon's junk.

I ... don't recall that.  There must have been more translating done.  Maybe I'll take another look at it.

Don't follow it, so I can't say if there has been. Saw it a while ago, so probably not.

Maybe I was just referring to it way too obliquely:


In general, I have very mixed feelings about Tea of Sagittarius. Where it's good it's pretty good; where it's awful it's irredeemably awful; at some points it managed to somewhat mind-bendingly be both at the same time.

Quote from: Brian on January 09, 2012, 09:29:35 PM
I think the solution may be a compromise between these two; I agree that Arakawa pointed out it does make Kanae look shallow and less likable.  But Hal makes a good point, too.  I think if I shift it as per Arakawa's suggestion so that they're (for example) characters of various anime she's watched that just happen to look _unreasonably like_ Kyon/Koizumi, then that mitigates some of it.  And instead of being totally PWP, it's a thinly veiled proxy (which is not ... a whole lot better).

Right. I think adding that extra layer of indirection should do the trick. (Indirection is what already does the trick of not grossing us out, given that we don't get to see the full contents of the doujin anyhow.)

Quote from: Brian on January 09, 2012, 09:29:35 PM
This also gives Haruhi something specific to work on in recognizing what kinds of issues Kanae has been avoiding (because that's the nature of her game).  Does this sound workable?

Pretty much. It boils down to, either Kanae doesn't display the same kinds of issues, or someone in the Brigade has to recognize that this is a serious problem for her. Or the best of both worlds -- with the anime characters resembling Brigade members, you make the PWP something she does without acknowledging it to herself (so she doesn't look cynically shallow and produce immediate reader whiplash), while it's still enough of an issue to keep the Covert Pervert tropy and give the character something to work with in terms of development.

Quote from: Brian on January 09, 2012, 09:29:35 PM
I didn't remember that line from the movie.  I guess that popularized it, but it's a much older term than that. >_>

Right. Lucas and Spielberg just accomplished the feat of making it sound kind of stupid. Actually... if you weren't aware that the line can instantly remind some people of Kingdom of The Crystal Skull... that might actually have been worth pointing out.

It mostly just comes out as unintended Kuyou-humour (where she says something completely seriously but it comes out like a joke), much like the "bring cookies" thing ^_^

QuoteSomething like Melancholy Princess -- THAT is cause for brain bleach (if you're not familiar with this work -- do not seek to become so, unless NTR is your thing.  Was dared to read it -- so ... much ... hate...).

Wow. I'm sorry, I am so sorry.

/stops channelling 10

Er, I don't know what I can point out that hasn't been already. Please forgive me if any of this comes off as strange or unnecessary.

- A thought about the opening scene. I'm not sure how it would generally go in Japan, but the fact that Kunikida wasn't the slightest bit suspicious or even off-put about some random guy coming out of nowhere lending a friendly ear and then even taking him for supper seems a bit strange. I know that Kunikida isn't really in his right mind over Sasaki right now, but wouldn't that raise a few eyebrows?

QuoteSlightly surprisingly to Haruhi, Ryouko offered a silent nod of agreement from Kyon's coat pocket. "I liked 'sonic screwdriver,'" Kyon sighed, not looking that upset about it.

- Slightly surprisingly seems somewhat awkward even though it's not wrong.

-

Well, those are the only thing that I can really contribute that I don't believe I've seen brought up already. Sorry if they aren't helpful.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 09, 2012, 10:30:26 PMAnyhow, you sound more sure about usage of "manouevre" than I am.

I could still be wrong--  It doesn't look bad or jarring to me, though. >_>;;

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 09, 2012, 10:30:26 PMIn general, I have very mixed feelings about Tea of Sagittarius. Where it's good it's pretty good; where it's awful it's irredeemably awful; at some points it managed to somewhat mind-bendingly be both at the same time.

Yeah....  Major problem is that it seems to be one edge of a great big story and never gets around to going anywhere.

At least, that was my impression reading through it initially.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 09, 2012, 10:30:26 PM

Quote from: Brian on January 09, 2012, 09:29:35 PM
This also gives Haruhi something specific to work on in recognizing what kinds of issues Kanae has been avoiding (because that's the nature of her game).  Does this sound workable?

Pretty much. It boils down to, either Kanae doesn't display the same kinds of issues, or someone in the Brigade has to recognize that this is a serious problem for her. Or the best of both worlds -- with the anime characters resembling Brigade members, you make the PWP something she does without acknowledging it to herself (so she doesn't look cynically shallow and produce immediate reader whiplash), while it's still enough of an issue to keep the Covert Pervert tropy and give the character something to work with in terms of development.

Okay--  Haruhi's reaction is toned down a little, and she goes over it in slightly more detail as something that really worries her about Kanae in her thoughts on the walk home (also ties into her solution really well for next chapter).

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on January 09, 2012, 10:30:26 PMRight. Lucas and Spielberg just accomplished the feat of making it sound kind of stupid. Actually... if you weren't aware that the line can instantly remind some people of Kingdom of The Crystal Skull... that might actually have been worth pointing out.

It mostly just comes out as unintended Kuyou-humour (where she says something completely seriously but it comes out like a joke), much like the "bring cookies" thing ^_^

In that case, I'll leave it as is.  I like Kuyou being a quirky, fun character like that. :)

Thanks again, Arakawa. :D

Quote from: Grahf on January 10, 2012, 01:12:53 AMWow. I'm sorry, I am so sorry.

...significant source of my anti-Koizumi bias, incidentally. ._.

Quote from: Grahf on January 10, 2012, 01:12:53 AM- A thought about the opening scene. I'm not sure how it would generally go in Japan, but the fact that Kunikida wasn't the slightest bit suspicious or even off-put about some random guy coming out of nowhere lending a friendly ear and then even taking him for supper seems a bit strange. I know that Kunikida isn't really in his right mind over Sasaki right now, but wouldn't that raise a few eyebrows?

It should--  I've reworked the scene a little; Hiko is (now) very good at working with people.  Aand ... I now realize that Hiko is actually the same Hiko in AltMHF.  Huh.

Anyway--  Yes, it's unusual, but bad judgement and bad guy manipulations will carry this one forward. >_>

Quote from: Grahf on January 10, 2012, 01:12:53 AMWell, those are the only thing that I can really contribute that I don't believe I've seen brought up already. Sorry if they aren't helpful.

Nope, that was good--  Thanks for the commentary! :D

Probably it's kind of late for even more comments:

QuoteThe Combine are [not nice people].

So naturally they are opposed by the SOS Brigade, who are nice (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Manga/HayateTheCombatButler?from=Main.HayateTheCombatButler) people (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Yakuza).

Quote from: Specular on January 10, 2012, 06:42:54 PMProbably it's kind of late for even more comments:

Of course not. :)

Quote from: Specular on January 10, 2012, 06:42:54 PMKanae's rather perverse side was hinted in several occasions. I didn't think any less of her after reading the scene about the nature of her drawings. However, that is just my personal opinion. If there is a good chance that most of the readers will get an indelible bad opinion of the character, I wholeheartedly agree with toning down the implications of the scene as it was suggested.

Well, only mildly turning them down -- and then using them as a gateway to legitimate character growth.
[/spoiler]

Thanks again for the comments. :)

I found this story on ff.net and decided to drop by and comment since you left the site by the time I got around to reading it.  I have to admit, the standards of both stories and reviews there are a little low.  I apologize for the necro but the topic is 10th from the top anyway so I'm not sure it can be called that.  There were a few things that seemed a little off about this story.  I didn't like how easily Kyon joined up with Tsuruya's group in the first arc when he was quick to turn Koizumi down when he was offered a position in the Organization in the 7th book. You could handwave it as "Time Travel-I can do no wrong" but it seems a bit OOC.  It also seemed like Mikuru jumped from being her old self to acting like her older counterpart right around the beach chapter.  You did build up to this somewhat but it still felt abrupt.  It's better than most fics but still not up to your standard.   The only other 'issue' with your story is that it's written in third person.  This isn't a problem since this is a story that needs to be told in third person due to all of the characters but Haruhi without Kyon's narration is kind of like watching "Goodbye Mr Despair" without the meta jokes on the blackboard.  That said, I've never seen any fanfic author actually nail Kyon's voice including you so it might be just as well that you decided to focus on everyone's characterization.  Anyway, here are some things that caught my attention in the story.

Ch 4
Mikuru seems to be unusually relaxed in yuki's room considering that her older self was still nervous around her at the end of disappearance.  Is this because she's not connected to the ISDE anymore?

Ch 8

Quote"I hope that doesn't mean anything"

Heh, looks like Kyon's been hanging around Koizumi a bit too long :)

Ch 9

Quote"What exactly was he going to say to her next Sunday, anyway?

In chapter 8 Kyon mentions Mikuru hearing something from him last Sunday.  Are you referring to this here?

Ch 10

Quote"after all, as Tsuruya's trial, she could only rely on herself and the chosen guardian."

Should this be "as this was Tsuruya's trial"?

Quote"negative!" she said, shaking her head quickly.  "Too burikko...and if-"

Nice; Classic Haruhi. 

Ch 12

Quote" you can't have my gun of my badge"

Heh

Ch 15
It's nice to have fanservice in the traditional sense for once.

Ch 18

Quote"You must put aside your self doubt and overcome your worry that if you did not have him alone, he would not choose you."

The wording here is incredibly awkward and I don't think you meant to put "alone" in there.

Ch 23

Quote"Why did it feel so familiar"     (Mikuru referring to Trope-tan here)

Why would she find it odd?

Ch 26

Quote"For that object Haruhi already gives her permission"

"Object" sounds odd here, you might want to cut it or say something like "on that note".

Quote"lighting on the roof at a run"

Did you mean to say "landing" or something?

Ch 28

Quote"I think it might suits you"

Mikuru doesn't add s at the end of words.  Also, Tsuruya's accent seems inconsistent even beyond dropping it when she gets stressed.

Ch 33

Quote"Interviews had been arranged with every single members of the sumiyoshi-rengo, as well as both of the teenagers."

Member?

Ch 34

Quote"...to allow a time traveler change history!?"

Did you mean so say "traveler to change"?

Ch 35

Quote"Phone, she demanded"..."letting it levitate towards her"

An almost identical scene occurs earlier in the chapter.

Ch 36

QuoteKyon blinked. "Part of me wants to say that your reaction to this is incredibly unreasonable," he noted, before slapping his own forehead with the heel of his palm. "Rather, only you would look at something so incredibly unreasonable, and choose to be so reasonable about it."

Nice callback to the first closed space incident.

Quote"U...um," she began, furrowing her brow in concentration. What would her parents think? Being honest, she hadn't paid much attention to them ... as much as parents were a variable feature of her life, many small details and habits changed.

Did you mean to say variable here or stable?

The puns were also great but they become a bit sketchy in light of the most recent chapter.

Ch 37

Quote"He's already caused enough damage to my yet!"

Where in the world did you find a copy of Continuum?!

There are some interesting parallels between the fight with Wataru and the fight in the volume 10 preview.  Is that intentional?

Quote"Once you're part of the Combine you'll be my pet! Just like the others!"

Do the sliders have more than one Kuyou?

Quote"If I hear word one that she's not happy"

Did you mean "one word"?

Ch 41

Quote"That's funny Asakura-san because you haven't."

Somehow this line sounds familiar

Ch 43
Did you choose takahashi's name just for that joke?!?

Ch 45

QuoteThanks to the other entity that -- like Kyon -- traversed time, Kuyou had learned all of that, and equally important things, too. While her counterpart, the small blue-haired entity spun memetics and phased light-sculptures representing different views of various data, Kuyou had learned how to bake cookies.

I think this perfectly captures the Haruhi series as a whole.

Ch 47

QuoteWhile he was pinned, one of the robots marched near Kuyou inspecting her curiously, as the other moved to Kyon's side, unlimbering another pair of limbs -- these tipped with wicked blades. Ignoring the robot nearest her, and staring at him with a combined look of confusion and ... hope?

The dark-haired girl extended a hand towards him almost expectantly, even a dozen meters away.

The last sentence in the first paragraph seems like it should be part of the second.  As it is, it's not clear that Kuyou is the one looking at Kyon.

Ch 48

Quote"You're sure getting a lot of mileage out of that symbol I made you write,"

Heh

Ch 50

Quote"Likewise, I hope if we end up needing to share body heat like that--"
"No."
"I simply--"
"Stop."
"Well, if--"
"Koizumi!"
                      TEXT
"Eh?" Kyon managed. He opened his mouth, then bit something back, looking thoughtful. After a minute he sighed, admitting, "I'd like to say to tell you not to draw these, but if you've.... How many...." He shook his head, glancing at her stack of sketchbooks. "Actually-- Your penalty is no more of these until you're done helping Asahina-san with her project. Is that alright?"

Considering his reaction to Koizumi, Kyon seems more likely to get rid of the books or stop her rather than encouraging her.  It also seems slightly OOC for Kanae to be drawing her friends that way.  I got the feeling that you were trying to make a fujoshi parody but trying to do that with fanfiction is as impossible as trying to parody a fundamentalist on Youtube.  You're better off trying to come at it from a different angle such as looking at why she's doing this.

Anyway, this was a fun read even if your characters start out two dimensional before you get around to building on that base.  If Yen Press published this for 50 cents a chapter I'd buy it.