Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

Quote from: originalAll the others had other things to do today, so it was just me and Kyon in the clubroom.

This is sufficiently unusual that I'd expect Haruhi to go into more detail. Koizumi skipping out wouldn't be that strange thanks to his 'part-time job', but Mikuru and particularly Yuki missing the club would raise an eyebrow.

Quote from: originalI guess we've been at this for hours now; glancing outside shows me that it's definitely dark out. Sunlight fades fast in the winter, but it probably would've been better if we'd just packed up and gone home hours ago.

This also seems a little weird; they likely would have been kicked out of the school building before it got seriously dark; sunset would be sometime between 5 and 6 PM in January, which is the time when clubs would be dismissed (and likely kicked out, as they'd want to lock up the school for the night.)

This is an excellent resource for meteorological stuff, like sunrise/sunset times:
http://www.gaisma.com/en/location/nishinomiya.html

Quote from: originalPeeking over at Kyon I can see that he appears deeply involved in a game of chess. Except he's playing versus himself.

Suggest replacing the period with a hyphen (or em-dash) splice.

QuoteWow, he really is bored. Except, he's not playing half heartedly.

I'd say to do the same here, except that you have 'except' in close proximity. Could replace the second with 'although', but I'd still make it a hyphen splice.

QuoteHonestly, I'm never going to understand what's going on in that head of his.

This seems rather defeatist/dismissive for Haruhi. I'd suggest:

Quote from: suggestionSometimes, I think I'll never understand what goes through his head - and when he does things like this, I'm not entirely sure I want to.

QuoteSnow covered the school grounds, as they were bathed in the pale artificial lights.

This implies that the snow covered the grounds at the same time as the artificial lights were on (world's fastest snowstorm?); I'd link that the entire yard was colored in the same tone as the lights (probably yellow, I'd imagine that a school would use sodium vapor lamps), or something else that doesn't relate to the timing - 'as' in this context implies something taking place over the mentioned time period.

QuoteMost everyone had gone home by now, but some lights still shone in various windows, and the walkways were always kept lit.

Calls back to the point about the time - if it's late enough to be seriously dark, they're probably some of the last people left in the school. I'd think it unlikely that they'd keep the school grounds lit all night, too; once the gates were closed and locked, they'd shut things down.

QuoteWhat, did he think I was over exaggerating?

Just 'exaggerating'.

This paragraph also treads close to what I see as a fairly common problem with Haruhi PoV fics; she's bridging the line between narration and dialogue here, the same way Kyon does ("Hurry over here and look!"), which doesn't really work to me - it comes out that way with Kyon simply because he is so passive, like half the time he's not bothering to differentiate between whether he's just thinking about something or actually saying it. Haruhi's too intense for there to be any real ambiguity about what she's doing. It's not bad in this example, but I'd call it out as something to watch out for in general.

QuoteNot only did he take forever, but his reaction to the phenomenon was more akin to getting told he had to work off a huge debt, instead of the natural wonder and excitement you should have for something like this!

This might be Haruhi being hyperbolic, but even with that in mind this seems like a remarkably negative response from Kyon. Maybe he just can't tell what's he's looking at through the small hole in the frost? If that's the case, he should show pretty much no reaction at all, not a negative one.

QuoteHe put the chessboard away, turned off the space heater, made sure everything was organized, and then slowly put all his winter gear on. Ugh, if I didn't know him better, I'd think he was doing this to spite me. His face looked like he had swallowed something sour, too.

Again, what seems like more excessive negativity (and honestly pointless foot-dragging) from Kyon. If they're going up to the roof, why bother with packing away the entire room? Turning off the space heater makes sense - it'd be a possible fire hazard - but if they're just going up to the roof, why bother cleaning up everything else? Unless he's planning to leave directly from there (and it doesn't seem like that, he's not collecting his books), he's going to have to come back to the clubroom anyway, at which point he can take the time to clean up. I tend to agree with Haruhi here - it does sound like he's doing this just to piss her off.

If there's some other motivation for him taking his time, we need a better window into that by having Haruhi see something he's doing. Maybe he looks longingly at the space heater before shutting it off, or maybe there's some other reason he really doesn't want to leave just yet.

Quote"The Aurora Borealis!"

'aurora borealis' doesn't need to be capitalized.

QuoteI've always wanted to see something like this, but it's never something that happens in Japan!

Visibility is based more on latitude than longitude; it's more that they're too far south for it to be visible most of the time - which likely does apply to all of Japan, but the way it's phrased is somewhat misleading and Haruhi should recognize the distinction, I think.

QuoteI looked around the roof for a good place to sit and found one next to a heating duct, faint warmth radiating uselessly into the air. Well, even if bad design costs the school more in heating, it's great for us!

Nice lampshading there, but in all honesty I can't see a reason why there'd be a heating duct exposed on the roof. >_> Plenty of other fixtures that would more plausibly be on a rooftop that they could sit on (various other pipes or HVAC units, the roof edge, even benches on some Japanese school roofs - they're a popular place to have lunch, after all), and the only thing this does for them is give them a little extra heat. Taking that away gives her more of an excuse to snuggle up to Kyon anyway. >_> <_<

QuoteI mean come on, I pay attention in science class too. Of course I know all that stuff.

Then why did she ask the question? If she thinks it's a message from aliens, she'd probably explain why or how she thinks that (the message is encoded in high-energy particle transmissions that are turning into the aurora when they hit the Earth's atmosphere or something.) Kyon's response here is a bit pedantic too, which is taking away from his already kind-of-low likability in this story.

QuoteSnow lightly fell down, tiny flakes occasionally melting on my face. The sky was perfectly clear too

Er... how exactly does that work? Snow generally requires clouds to fall, and with them being on the roof it's not like the wind could be displacing it from places higher up and down onto her face.

QuoteVarious romantic reflections from Haruhi

Disclaimer: A lot of this is going to be tied up with my mental model of Haruhi, and if you don't agree with parts of it then you may not find this all that useful. That said, moving into the actual commentary.

Haruhi being this openly aware of her feelings for Kyon... isn't completely unreasonable, and neither is her considering a confession, but the scene feels off. Part of it is Kyon's attitude that we've seen so far; he's been stubborn, negative, and pedantic through the course of this story, so Haruhi coming to a conclusion about confessing here just doesn't fit - I find myself irritated with him more than anything. The aurora is amazing, yes, and she's sharing a really neat moment with Kyon, but I imagine she'd also be fairly irritated with him about his attitude so far, too.

In addition, she's also not in any hurry for romance herself. One of the first things she spilled to Kyon was the whole 'love as a mental illness' speech, early in Melancholy, and while her attitude has almost certainly shifted away from that since then, I doubt she'd have forgotten delivering it. Trying to pop a confession now would basically be saying "okay, yes, I was completely wrong back then," which seems unlikely given how proud she usually is. I don't doubt she'd daydream about Kyon or herself confessing, since I'd agree that it's something she wants, but I don't think she'd even attempt it herself - she'll wait for Kyon to do something so she doesn't have to look like a fool for contradicting herself.

Given that, I think what she'd try to do here is lead Kyon's thoughts in that direction, to see if she can confirm his interest or draw a confession out of him, rather than taking the initiative herself.

QuoteHaruhi is depressed.

This seems a little excessive for the mood swing, but not terrible. What I think would be more significant here would be for Kyon to notice that she's upset and make some kind of gesture to reassure her - maybe rubbing her back or grabbing her hand. It starts to redeem him as actually a thoughtful guy that does actually care about her, even if he sucks at showing it most of the time, and validates the fact that Haruhi does have feelings for him.

QuoteKyon seemed a little miffed that I jumped up so suddenly,

More to contribute to the general picture of negativity with Kyon. Surprised, startled, shocked - these are all good words to use here that don't have the negative connotations of 'miffed'.

QuoteI stood there with my back to him, until I felt him brush some snow off the top of my head and I turned around.

Another opportunity here to do more towards making Kyon sympathetic. Haruhi could turn to look at him here, see that he's struggling with what to say, and giving up - much the same as she just did.

Quote"Nah, you go ahead and spend time with your family. I wanted to head home anyways."

Seems too rapidly dismissive. Haruhi's spent a good deal of the story angsting about being closer to Kyon, and now when she's basically handed the opportunity she turns it down without a second thought? Having her reject the offer would be okay, but we should probably see more justification about why.

QuoteI pushed him playfully and we made our way home.

Seems to be a bit too strong a bounce-back for where her mood has been for most of the fic; trying to cover up her nervousness or relief by being playful would be fine, but we need to see more of the fact that she's using it to dodge deeper feelings.

tl;dr version: Kyon seems remarkably unlikable here, which makes Haruhi's romantic thoughts in regards to him stand out as strange; he has some opportunities here to counteract that, though, and should probably capitalize on them more. Haruhi's mood shifts are a little too complete and too rapid to be completely plausible.

The story's got a decent premise, but inconsistency kind of kills any sense of plausibility - Kyon's being a jerk and Haruhi has no reason to be romantically inclined to him (at least at the moment).

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMToday was a boring day.
All the others had other things to do today, so it was just me and Kyon in the clubroom. But even that wasn't any fun. Kyon was doing his own thing, and I've just been browsing the internet idly, hoping to find something interesting.

Repetition of 'others'.

I know it's something I do often, but starting a sentence with 'and' 'or' or 'but' isn't really grammatically correct.  For stylism it's alright, but the way it's done here, it doesn't feel like it stands out quite enough, if that makes any sense?  Generally, I'd use it to start a new paragraph.  In this instance I might suggest replacing the 'but' with a 'this time,'.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMStill, I stayed, and he stayed. He has to be even more bored than I am, right? Peeking over at Kyon I can see that he appears deeply involved in a game of chess. Except he's playing versus himself.

Another sentence starting with a contradictory clause....

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMWow, he really is bored. Except, he's not playing half heartedly. His brow is furrowed in concentration, and he's carefully considering each move he makes – And then doing the same thing for the other side.

And then another, both of them the same word.  You'll probably want to revise to avoid repetitive sentence structure.  Also, you keep putting in the asides in such a way that one would expect them to counter the previous sentence, when they just add something directly to it.  In most cases, you can just connect that clause with a comma and make them single sentences, like so:

Wow, he really is bored, except, he's not playing half heartedly.

Well, while grammatically correct, I realize those clauses are pretty incompatible, but minor revision could change that:

Wow, he really must be bored; he's more intent on that game than the ones he plays against Koizumi-kun.

This part: makes - And

Should be: makes-  And

Or: makes -- and

I'd go with the last one, personally.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMHonestly, I'm never going to understand what's going on in that head of his. Whatever. This has gone on long enough anyways.

Ah, this is probably nitpicking of me, but the 'Whatever' feels off; I'd just tie it to the next sentence, or make it an explanation--  Somehow, it feels flat as it is.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AM"Hey Kyon. Come on, it's getting late, let's head home."

When a character is being addressed, their names should be offset with commas; they do not need to when they are referencing a character by name and not addressing them, however:

"I can badmouth Kyon all I want," Haruhi explained, before turning to the boy in question.  "Kyon, this is your penalty!"

"As I would expect from Haruhi," Kyon groused to no-one in particular beneath his breath.  At her sharp glance, he sighed, meeting her gaze and explaining, "People don't like to be badmouthed, Haruhi.  Especially over my refusal to wear a Chippendales outfit!"

Haruhi muttered a final, "Mikuru-chan would have loved to see it, I bet."

Of course, you may have known this, and I'm just overexplaining something.  Again.  <__<

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMI went ahead and turned the computer off, then turned around to stare out the window. It was frosted over, but I was able to rub a small hole with my sleeve to peer through. Snow covered the school grounds, as they were bathed in the pale artificial lights. Most everyone had gone home by now, but some lights still shone in various windows, and the walkways were always kept lit.

This sentence: Snow covered the school grounds, as they were bathed in the pale artificial lights.

I don't understand how the two clauses are related.  I think something is missing, here?  Maybe something like a revision to:

Glistening snow covered the school grounds, reflecting the pale artificial lighting.

After that, repetition of 'lights' and 'lit'.  (Repetition is not something that is technically wrong; just something I try to avoid in my own writing, which is why I notice it ... everywhere.)

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMI found myself letting out a deep sigh. I don't days like this, not really. But would it be too much to ask for something interesting to happen every once in awhile?

I'm not sure the 'not really' is necessary?  It's not like there's an impression that she does like them that needs to be corrected.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AM"Kyon, come check this out, this is amazing!"
Despite how excited I was, Kyon didn't seem to care. What, did he think I was over exaggerating? Hurry over here and look! Despite my urging, Kyon took his sweet time getting up, stretching, and slowly meandering over to the window.
Not only did he take forever, but his reaction to the phenomenon was more akin to getting told he had to work off a huge debt, instead of the natural wonder and excitement you should have for something like this! Come on, is he really that cynical? Maybe this is just a terrible angle.

The line that starts 'despite my urging' could be moved to the next paragraph, giving Haruhi's thoughts towards Kyon slightly more impact.  At this point, the only real descriptors for the visual effect are 'awash in red light'; I'd expand on that, since the description doesn't give much.  Really, the only thing I can think of (not keeping the title in mind) is a massive, distant fire, which Kyon would be fully justified in not being enthusiastic about. o_o;

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AM"Come on Kyon, we'll go check it out from the roof!"

Oh, just realized; smartquotes.  Those frequently don't work right in some formats, and ff.net may convert or strip them (not sure).

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMEven though I dashed right to the door and had my coat on in a matter of seconds, Kyon still took forever. He put the chessboard away, turned off the space heater, made sure everything was organized, and then slowly put all his winter gear on. Ugh, if I didn't know him better, I'd think he was doing this to spite me. His face looked like he had swallowed something sour, too.

Just caught that you're writing in past tense.  Somewhat jarring with Haruhi's present-tense thoughts.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMWith a last minute thought to grab a blanket, we left the room. Rather than running straight to the roof, we made our way through the halls quietly. It wouldn't do for a teacher to hear us after all, and we'd waste a lot of time having to explain ourselves.

Who's grabbing the blanket?

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMI loudly announced the name to nobody in particular. This is seriously cool! I've always wanted to see something like this, but it's never something that happens in Japan! This must be a once in a lifetime fluke! Oh man, why did everyone else have to be busy today? I can just see the wonder and awe in Mikuru-chan's eyes looking at something like this.

I ... what?  I'm trying to stick to technical comments, but it's not like Kitago has a different sky than the rest of Nishinomiya.  Also, my inner stellar phenomenon otaku is noting that Haruhi would think of the reasons for the lights being visible this far south; solar flares, most predominantly.  I can't say for sure that she'd know, but I think if she were interested in them, she would have looked into them enough to know why they appear, and what makes them stronger or fainter.

Not that this has to be a huge deal, but Haruhi recognizing it as a rare event can be backed by her understanding of the science behind the phenomenon--  And then understating just how rare that event would be (though, even as a rare event, it should persist for a number of days, for solar ejecta).

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMAt least Kyon's reaction was much more suitable this time. His usual grumpiness is no match for something like this! Watching his jaw drop with amazement was almost as great as the Aurora itself.

grumpiness is no -- grumpiness was no (tenses)

Aurora is not a proper noun here, so doesn't need to be capitalized.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMI looked around the roof for a good place to sit and found one next to a heating duct, faint warmth radiating uselessly into the air. Well, even if bad design costs the school more in heating, it's great for us!

I think there should be a comma after 'sit'.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMBrushing some fresh snow out of the way, I sat next to the duct, threw the blanket over myself and motioned for Kyon to hurry up and get over here. It's great that you can actually appreciate this, but there's no need to keep standing there either!

get over here. -- come over.

I think; here seems to imply present tense.  I suggest for the last sentence putting Kyon's name in the clause so that the reader doesn't think that the narrator is addressing them.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AM"Hey Kyon... do you think it's really a message from aliens or something?"

Hey Kyon -- Hey, Kyon

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMMinutes passed. Even though it should still be pretty busy by now, the city was engulfed in the silence of winter. I feel like I could sit here for hours. Sitting next to Kyon, and just enjoying the view.

hours.  Sitting next -- hours, next -or- hours; next

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMJust then, a thought came unbidden to my mind, a thought from a side of me that I always tried to keep hidden, and usually just ended up making things worse.
Isn't this a perfect moment?

To reduce the repetition in this sentence, I'd replace that second comma with a semi-colon.  Otherwise, suggest slightly revising; the sentence's flow is a bit rough.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMThis would be the perfect place, wouldn't it? Where the plucky young heroine finally confesses her love. Just the thought made my cheeks heat up, and I was glad they were already reddened from the cold.

Not ... sure about this one, but I think the second sentence could end with a question mark, too.

Also, think Haruhi could easily think that she'd be glad Kyon was distracted by the lights and not looking at her when she blushes.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMI mean, it's not like I haven't considered just telling him before. But every time I consider it I always think back to my time in Junior High. A lot of boys confessed to me there, and even one girl. And every time it was so incredibly lame. They'd write me a crappy love letter, they'd corner me and nervously blurt out "I love you please go out with me!" The worst was when they tried doing it over the phone.

out "I love -- out, "I love

Comma leading into dialog.  Haruhi's narration falls flat; it's a cheap trick, but I find to try and capture some of Haruhi's innate excitability, just using an exclamation point or three lends a lot of impact to lines like those.  I think Hal's better at capturing her than I am, though; he may have better advice for a voice that sounds like hers.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMShouldn't a confession be something special? Something awesome, and amazing? You see it all the time in movies and anime. A mad dash through the airport, or something completely over the top and ridiculous. I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, aren't I? If I was going to confess, I should be able to top even the cheesiest romance movie! Right?

over the top -- over-the-top (optional, really)

Suggest putting an exclamation point after ridiculous, and then adding the 'right?' to the end of the preceeding sentence:

movie!  Right?  -- movie, right?

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMBut that never happened, did it? I thought it did, once. After I had that dream in May... it had seemed so real, so perfect. I had gone to school the next day half-expecting that we'd just be boyfriend and girlfriend, like that. Except that wasn't true. It was just a dream all along. There's no way Kyon could have even known what happened.
So nothing happened. I tried to think of other ways I could do it. But other stuff always got in the way. Just because I like him doesn't mean I'm going to forget about the SOS Brigade either. I even had an idea recently, about a Valentine's Day treasure hunt. But even if I did that all for Kyon, it doesn't seem right to leave everyone else out too. It's probably better off as a brigade activity.

Repetition of 'happened'; maybe the second instance to 'didn't come true'?  Or the first instance to 'even known about it'?

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMBut... I'm probably just making excuses for myself. If I keep asking myself to come up with something awesome, I can just put it off indefinitely, can't I? Isn't the real reason because I'm scared? Scared of his answer, scared of things changing.
Ugh! I shouldn't be some timid little girl worrying or not about whether or not her feelings will be accepted! I should just charge forward, and damn all the consequences!
Besides, this would still be a pretty awesome moment, right? It's not dramatic, but huddled together for warmth, under this bright red glow of an amazing astronomical phenomenon. Not many girls get a chance like this.

Throughout this -- more of that mild tense confusion; thoughts appear to be in present tense, which somewhat jars against the current narration.  I'd suggest making it consistent either way; all past, or all present.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMMy voice came out far feebler than it should have as Kyon turned to look at me. This is it. You've got his attention, now just go ahead and blurt it out. The mood is perfect, and you'll never get another chance like this! I mean, this is the kind of scene that stays in your memory forever. So just suck it up and go!
"... Never mind. It's nothing."

Does Kyon have a reaction to this?  Raising an eyebrow, sighing, looking curious, worried, or bored?

you'll never -- you may never (this isn't a grammatical thing, but saying it'll absolutely never happen again doesn't feel true to Haruhi)

Also, this paragraph captures the tense issues I've been mentioning especially well. :x

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMThere's really nothing separating me from those sniveling idiots back in Junior High. Except there is. At least they had the courage to go ahead and say what they felt. I can't even do that.

The 'Except there is' remark just jars.  It's not quite offset enough for the impact it should have; I'm not positive, but you're emulating my style a bit, here?  Feels reminiscent of the narrative technique I settled on for Sympathy.  Portraying conflicted/contradictory thoughts is good, but the presentation here doesn't quite work.  I'd reword to something like:

There's really nothing separating me from those sniveling idiots back in Middle School -- except the fact that they, at least, had the courage to face me and confess their feelings!  Somehow, I can't even muster the courage to do that for _Kyon_?

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMI buried me head in my knees and just let myself wallow in self-pity for awhile. This is why I always try to pretend this part of me doesn't exist. When I'm the brigade leader, I don't have to stop and think about this crap. And when I do, I always build my hopes up like an idiot and just fail.

Last sentence is a bit awkward. 

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AM"Come on, let's go back inside."
I was a little curter than I meant to be, but whatever. I've even managed to ruin my enjoyment of something like this. I just want to go home now. Kyon seemed a little miffed that I jumped up so suddenly, but he got up and began folding up the blanket.

'Curter'?  I think you want 'more curt'.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMKyon doesn't smile much. If he's not looking grumpy, he tends to have a decidedly neutral expression all the time. But that just has the effect of making his smiles seem like the mean so much more. His smile was filled with so much honesty and sincerity that it totally caught me off guard.

the mean -- they mean

Not sure how a smile is filled with honesty.  Just say it's 'so sincere and genuine'?

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMI felt tears come unbidden to my eyes. Damnit Kyon! Why did you have to go and say something like that? I tried to turn away quickly so he couldn't see, but just then a small gust of wind blew a nearby pile of snow into my face, and I ended up just coughing and sputtering.

Damnit Kyon -- Damnit, Kyon

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMHe started laughing then, and I immediately plunged my hand into the nearest snow drift to try and make a snowball, but it was all powder and fell away. I considered throwing that in his face anyways, but just then his cell phone rang.

If she's standing, how does she reach it that quickly?

anyways -- anyway (anyways is not a real word)

...oh, but now it _is_.  Damn you, common usage!  Alright -- still nonstandard.  I'd suggest dropping the 's', just like with 'toward'.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AM"Hello? Oh, hey Mom. Yeah, still at school. Brigade stuff. ... No, its okay, I'll be home shortly. Yeah, see you soon."

That elipsis ... I don't think it should be used like that.  If you're not implying omitted text or trailing off, I'd put a pause into the narrative.  Something like:

...Brigade stuff."  He shifts his feet and lifts his eyebrows at whatever is said in response.  "No, it's...

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMAs Kyon ended his phone call I snuck up behind him and dropped some snow down the back of his shirt. He shrieked, twisted and flailed a bit, but I ducked back out of reach.

List items in final sentence:

He shrieked, twisted, and flailed a bit....

Also, seems like something is missing.  Maybe add a clause about trying to reach for her for revenge, or something?  Otherwise, this being Kyon, I'm unclear on what retaliation she anticipates.  Though it's not like him to do that, and if it's so cold that snow isn't packing, this is....

Eh, I'll leave the characterization commentary to Hal.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AM"So, what's up?"
Kyon grumbled a bit, rubbing his back and sighing before replying.
"Mom's taking little sis out into the countryside to get a better look at the Aurora, and she wanted me to go with."

Kyon's reply should probably be in the same sentence as his dialog.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMYeah, I guess that makes sense. Even though the view here is incredibly, seeing it from the countryside with no city lights would be even more amazing.

incredibly -- incredible

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AM"... Do you want to come with? It wouldn't really be a problem."

"... Do -- "...do -or- "... do

The sentence isn't actually starting with the word 'do.'  The elipses imply that there are words that Kyon doesn't vocalize that complete the phrase, and those are covered in the elipses.  (Spacing doesn't really matter as long as you're consistent.)

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMKyon shrugged, and we began walking back towards the school. Hopefully we can make it out of here without incident too.

towards -- toward

Aren't they already in the school?  Maybe 'stairwell'?

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMKyon stared at me for second before sighing and planting his face in his palm.
"Good grief."

These can be one paragraph.

Quote from: Oroboro on February 12, 2012, 06:01:03 AMI pushed him playfully and we made our way home.
This is okay too, right?