Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

Chapter 51, somewhat overdue.

We're at a bit of a slow point, but it seems necessitated by plot. >_>

Overall impression: http://www.coolfunnyjunk.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/happy-cat.jpg

Found a couple things that might warrant changing:

QuoteCapable and intelligent, but alsoable to recognize and admire strength in others?

Needs a space between 'also' and 'able.'

QuoteAnd then he also saved Yuki-chan from some real trouble with her family -- serious stuff that I don't even want to get into -- and to top that all off, he saves Tsu-chan from being shoved out a window in front of the whole school!"

Switched tenses mid-sentence: "saved" to "saves."

Quotethe capillaries in her face were filling with blood, and her eyes continued to try and orient themselves away from meeting his.

I think "try to" instead of "try and" would work better since it's being described from Yuki's narration, and "try to" sounds a little more like something Yuki would say even though either would be grammatically acceptable.

QuoteShe made a note to try and engineer an upcoming occasion where the other involved female could be Mikuru again

Same as above.  It's a stylistic thing and just my personal preference for Yuki's narration to be ever-so-slightly more formal than that of other characters.

The correct transliteration is "Senpai", not "Sempai". I know it's not correct in English, but it's not English, it's romanized Japanese.

QuoteWordlessly, Yuki set a chessboard on the table between them, looking up at Kyon ... not quite with a hopeful expression.

Why the not quite hopeful expression? Is Yuki not happy to play a game with Kyon? If not for the part after the ellipsis, i would think it's cute and somewhat... demurely romantic, in a very Yuki way. 

I don't have any other special remarks for now, i'll try to reread with a more critical eye later. I hope that spilling the beans with Sakanaka and Yanagimoto will not have complications. As far as the hairpin, you'll recall i asked you about it earlier. Reading how Kanae got it now, i nearly melted from the adorableness.

They are incredibly adorable as a couple.

I think the "not quite hopeful expression" just shows that her facial expressions are very understated.  She can't quite manage facial expressions very well.  I think a lot of Kyon's ability to read her expressions is just intuiting her emotions and then interpreting her expressions from there.  She tends to "almost smile" a lot when she's very happy, for the same reason.

ah - so it WAS an hopeful expression, just very subdued. I got that all wrong.

Another thing:

Quote"Er-- Y...yeah, Kanae-chan is really cute like that," he agreed, looking dazed.

QuoteHe didn't realize how long he'd been in a daze until one of his club members emerged from the milling crowd to look at him with concern.

Quote"Kyon has a harem," Sakanaka managed, sounding somewhat dazed.

QuoteShe supposed that technically, that made Haruhi her girlfriend! She didn't realize it until just that moment, when Haruhi momentarily dazed her with that bright grin she had, accepting the offered treat before Kanae's hand could tremble enough to spill it.

People get dazed in this story really, really easily.  I can see someone being a little out of it after a kiss or something, but when a smile or a wink or an affectionate mode of address is enough to daze them, it makes me wonder if they have a concussion or something.  I'd suggest changing Sakanaka's response to "somewhat bewildered" instead.  Others could use either a change in the words used or just a different response that doesn't make them seem so easy to mentally knock off balance.

Quote from: Empyrean on February 18, 2012, 10:44:24 PM
Another thing:

Quote"Er-- Y...yeah, Kanae-chan is really cute like that," he agreed, looking dazed.

QuoteHe didn't realize how long he'd been in a daze until one of his club members emerged from the milling crowd to look at him with concern.

Quote"Kyon has a harem," Sakanaka managed, sounding somewhat dazed.

QuoteShe supposed that technically, that made Haruhi her girlfriend! She didn't realize it until just that moment, when Haruhi momentarily dazed her with that bright grin she had, accepting the offered treat before Kanae's hand could tremble enough to spill it.

People get dazed in this story really, really easily.  I can see someone being a little out of it after a kiss or something, but when a smile or a wink or an affectionate mode of address is enough to daze them, it makes me wonder if they have a concussion or something.  I'd suggest changing Sakanaka's response to "somewhat bewildered" instead.  Others could use either a change in the words used or just a different response that doesn't make them seem so easy to mentally knock off balance.

Actually, given the context of each of those sentences, it would be surprising that "being mentally knocked off balanced easily" would be anything less than appropriate, seeing as A. Kyon is weak against cute, and Kanae plus Smiley pin equals "KAAWAII!!!" B. Akito and Sakanaka (in the order of the second and third quotes, respectively)are ordinary people, and so would be put off balance by the stuff that had hit them, and C. Kanae can be easily dazed by the idea that one of her drawings may end up becoming somewhere close to what could happen in reality(which makes me think that that pic that Haruhi looked at in the previous chapter of the three of them may seem like a good idea for her to aim for)...

All of that said, using some words that are synonyms with "dazed" would be a good idea, if only to overdependance on that word.

I agree with the "dazed" thing, but just for the sake of variety of vocabulary. The sentiment is fitting - hell, I myself would be dazed by all those happenings, except the smile, possibly.

QuoteKane's sempai blinked

Kanae's sempai

QuoteSakanaka blinked twice, and then her eyes crossed. She set her drink down shakily, pressing one hand to her forehead. "R...really?" she managed to ask shakily.

Shaking her head while the other girls absorbed that detail, Haruhi picked up her spoon again, sampling a smaller bite of parfait.

Repetition of 'shake'.

QuoteShe didn't realize it until just that moment, when Haruhi momentarily dazed her with that bright grin she had,

Maybe change dazed to dazzled here. It flows a little better.

QuoteBy the time he concluded his call and pocketed his phone, she determined, "Curry."

Curry... (http://www.fakku.net/viewonline.php?id=7359#page=1)

QuoteShe bet that would help.

I like how Kuyou's pov is getting closer to 'human' as time goes by.

Um, I think there was an instance of Haruhi using 'so-and-so and I' earlier that would sound better as 'me and so-and-so'. And maybe ease up on the exclamation marks.

The karaoke scene would have probably been stronger if it had been from Sakanaka and Yanagimoto's pov exclusively. Looking in from the outside, as it were. Plus, it would have been an opportunity to cement a distinction between Haruhi's mundane/tier 2 friends. It's an awfully big reveal to drop on someone.

I agree on the perspective thing. It would probably be more effective, and we'd get to see what Sakanaka thinks of the adorable HaruKana pair.

Quote from: thepanda on February 19, 2012, 11:15:20 AM

QuoteShe didn't realize it until just that moment, when Haruhi momentarily dazed her with that bright grin she had,

Maybe change dazed to dazzled here. It flows a little better.

Yeah, was going to change two of the dazed into 'dazzled' already.  Luckily, Hal can vouch for me!

Quote from: thepanda on February 19, 2012, 11:15:20 AMUm, I think there was an instance of Haruhi using 'so-and-so and I' earlier that would sound better as 'me and so-and-so'. And maybe ease up on the exclamation marks.

I'll take a look at that.

Quote from: thepanda on February 19, 2012, 11:15:20 AMThe karaoke scene would have probably been stronger if it had been from Sakanaka and Yanagimoto's pov exclusively. Looking in from the outside, as it were. Plus, it would have been an opportunity to cement a distinction between Haruhi's mundane/tier 2 friends. It's an awfully big reveal to drop on someone.

Oh, bleah.  PoV-shift is non-trivial work.  I'll do it, but that's not a quick change.


Alright -- thanks for the feedback, everyone; I'll revise all the repetition and include grammar/spelling corrections.  Thanks again. :D

My impressions:




By the way, why is the chapter named "Bait and Switch"? Because of the epigraph?

QuoteWhile she was surprised at her sempai's plan, Kanae knew it was a good one as soon as she heard it from the girl with the golden ribbons.  She didn't have the same problems that the other girls did with boys asking her out, but if she could help Haruhi, well ... she would!  Her friends in the Brigade had helped her out so much, how could she not?

Passive voice; not too disagreeable, but you could do "While her sempai's plan surprised her..." if you want.

QuoteHaruhi shook her head suddenly and rose from her seat, putting one hand on Kanae's shoulder and rummaging through one skirt pocket with the other.  "Um--  This was mine when I was in middle school.  I found it again earlier this morning and picked it up -- and now I know why!" she declared, producing a flat, rounded hairpin.  She held it up before Kanae to show it off -- the grinning smiley face there was instantly endearing to the smaller girl.  How cute!

Eheh, the pin.  Ah, that's clever.

QuoteKanae was special to her!  It was mutually beneficial, only....  She shook her head, sighing again.  "Let me explain," she offered the gymnast.  "Everyone thought there was something going on between Kyon and I, didn't they?"

I think grammatically it's "Kyon and me," but it's nothing that bothers me.  Just noting it.

QuoteWhen he found out that she was instrumental in helping stop that tasteless photography ring, backing up Kyon's strength with her intelligence, his admiration for her increased even further.  She was everything Akito had dreamed of!  Capable and intelligent, but alsoable to recognize and admire strength in others?

I imagine "also able" has already been pointed out.

Quote"I've just suffered the most crushing defeat in the history of our club," Akito groaned, bowing his head.

Priceless!

Quote"Here," Yuki said, pointing at the door of the restaurant as they approached.  It was much smaller than most buildings in the area, and the establishment itself had a smaller menu than its nearest competitors.

Smaller and smaller.

QuoteYuki completed, "I categorize you as a friend."

The smile Kuyou showed in response to that did not appear to be emulated from anyone at all.

Can you hear it?  The collective "Aww..." in the background?

Quote"Next time, I will make cookies for you," Kuyou determined.  She bet that would help.

Should Kuyou be betting?


I was surprised Haruhi and Kanae went for the chaste class S approach for their cover, but I guess that would be minimally awkward as opposed to a full-on "real" relationship, so for the position they're in, it makes sense.  That Yanagimoto and Sakanaka caught on to the charade was interesting, too, and it's good to see that they're taking the truth fairly well.  Helping Sakanaka with Kunikida may end up getting Sasaki closer into the fold, too, so this leaves a lot of possibilities on the table.

Don't think we need to worry too much about spoilers from here. ;)

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMSmiley hairpin FTW!

Glad this seems to have worked. :)

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMglanced ? glance (?)

This (and any other typos) should be fixed.  >.<  Thanks for spotting that. :p

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMMinor trivia. According to the class 1-5's character chart from the artbook of the first season of the anime, there is a member of the Karate club (???) among Haruhi and Kyon's classmates called Arakawa Kennosuke (http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/SpecularReflection/shny/5g30.png) (?? ???). Considering Oe Akito's background, it's possible that Arakawa is an acquaintace of his and a potential reliable source of the comings and goings of the class 2-5. If so, it wouldn't be amiss for him to be mentioned in Akito's PoV.

I'm not sure.  While I knew about this character, my major concern is readers not catching the reference and then assuming it's the 'other' Arakawa (or directly related to him since there's no subtle way for Oe to think, 'Arakawa, who's name was spelled with different kanji than the elderly gentleman he'd never met, but Haruhi had' or the like.

I'd have to give that a lot more screentime to make it work smoothly, and if I use Arakawa's given name, well ... the elder Arakawa doesn't have a given name, so that doesn't help much -- and if I use just the given name and ignore the family name, the callback to that class sheet is lost.

Basically, while it's cool, I think too many people would trip over it and it'd be an unintentional and also massive red herring.

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMRecurring Extra spotted! (I think...)

That's the guy!  Was tempted to have him have a crush on Kanae, but that just seemed a bit much. :p

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMIt's just me or Haruhi has grown apprehensive of Kyon in "action mode"?

When someone's only active in dire situations, that tends to be the reaction (unless one enjoys dire situations).  Consider that Kyon's actions started with trying to save Yuki from death, and most recently the fate of the world hinged on his battle (and his sister was endangered)....

So, yeah. >_>

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMYuki vs Kyon in chess? Now I'm curious of their win/draw/loss score.

Between the two of them: Yuki wins at chess slightly more often; Kyon wins at shogi at about the corresponding rate.

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMIMO, the scene in the karaoke is important because in some way sets a precedent of how "civilians" could react to reveal of the polyamory. The contradistinction between Sakanaka and Yanagimoto's reactions gives good balance to the scene. The only thing I miss it's Sakanaka surprised remark about how all the girls of the Brigade are romantically involved with Kyon. I would think that a polyamorous relationship between fewer members (for example just Haruhi, Tsuruya and Kyon) would be more plausible to her than the real number. Also, now that people out of the Brigade's inner circle are in this particular loop, I think that someone should give Koizumi the memo. Although I suspect that he won't be really surprised of it.

I've slightly revised that whole scene (being that it's now from Sakanaka's PoV).  But -- Sakanaka isn't certain how far it actually goes, and is a bit apprehensive to finding out.

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMYuki is doing a really well-educated guess about Sasaki's thoughts here, but I think she should admit to herself that she is just speculating. How about changing "but within what Sasaki considered a plausible range" to "but apparently within what Sasaki considered a plausible range"?

Sure -- that's actually the implication I was going for. >_>;;

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMIt's just me or Yuki misinterpreted Mikuru here? IINM, Mikuru meant to say "you interrupted us too soon" instead of "it's too soon for you" to Kuyou in Chapter 45. Interesting in either way.

Somewhat intentionally unclear. :p

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMKuyou's new goal: "Defeat the honorifics' barrier with the power of cookies". Now I'm looking forward a character (most likely Mikuru) suggesting that a ponytail would suit Kuyou.

:D

I think with as much hair as she's got, she needs twintails at the very least -- but they'd be pretty epic~!

Quote from: Specular on February 19, 2012, 01:53:15 PMBy the way, why is the chapter named "Bait and Switch"? Because of the epigraph?

I'm really surprised that the original meaning has been lost by TVTropes to reflect a limited type of joke-telling, and wikipedia has it limited to merely a form of advertising.  Which is ironic, because the trope 'bait and switch' lesbians is based on the original usage.  Go figure.

'Bait and Switch' is a con (a trick used by confidence artists), but the tactic can apply elsewhere, as well.  Bait-and-switch can mean 'lure someone in' and 'switch what they're getting', but is also used by con men to throw detectives/authorities off their trails when under pressure or in danger of being caught.  Typically, it means, 'when pressed, offer up something as a distraction, then change the focus of the discussion'.

Here, Haruhi 'baits' Yanagimoto and Sakanaka with a plausible cover, but they don't buy it -- her 'switch' fails.  The second time around, she realizes that if they really dig, they might find out about more of the brigade's secrets.  So she 'baits' them with a small bit of the truth, and then switches focus away from 'the Brigade is full of supernaturals' (effectively).

Well, really, Yanagimoto also aids the switch tactic by shifting focus to Sakanaka's love interest of that shor--  Er, smart kid. <_<;

Hope that explains things. :p

Thanks for the feedback; I'll try and get the revised version up tonight.

Quote from: Muphrid on February 19, 2012, 05:33:07 PMPassive voice; not too disagreeable, but you could do "While her sempai's plan surprised her..." if you want.

Will do; passive-voice bad. >_<

Quote from: Muphrid on February 19, 2012, 05:33:07 PMEheh, the pin.  Ah, that's clever.

Thing looks almost exactly like the Yahoo! instant messenger smiley to me. >_>

Quote from: Muphrid on February 19, 2012, 05:33:07 PMI think grammatically it's "Kyon and me," but it's nothing that bothers me.  Just noting it.

I'm not actually sure.  I'll just revise around that.

Quote from: revision"Everyone thought I was interested in Kyon, didn't they?"

Quote from: Muphrid on February 19, 2012, 05:33:07 PM

Quote"Here," Yuki said, pointing at the door of the restaurant as they approached.  It was much smaller than most buildings in the area, and the establishment itself had a smaller menu than its nearest competitors.

Smaller and smaller.

Oops.  Ah -- second instance to shorter.

Quote from: Muphrid on February 19, 2012, 05:33:07 PMCan you hear it?  The collective "Aww..." in the background?

:D

Quote from: Muphrid on February 19, 2012, 05:33:07 PM

Quote"Next time, I will make cookies for you," Kuyou determined.  She bet that would help.

Should Kuyou be betting?

No, she shouldn't.  Changed 'bet' to 'was certain'.

Quote from: Muphrid on February 19, 2012, 05:33:07 PMI was surprised Haruhi and Kanae went for the chaste class S approach for their cover, but I guess that would be minimally awkward as opposed to a full-on "real" relationship, so for the position they're in, it makes sense.  That Yanagimoto and Sakanaka caught on to the charade was interesting, too, and it's good to see that they're taking the truth fairly well.  Helping Sakanaka with Kunikida may end up getting Sasaki closer into the fold, too, so this leaves a lot of possibilities on the table.

Great; I don't want the Brigade's abilities to separate them from humanity -- then they become difficult to sympathize with.  How they relate to normal people is important, I think, and it's also important to show Haruhi's ability to genuinely connect with normal people -- and call them friends.

(I also like Yanagimoto's grudge being overcome by Haruhi and the Brigade, so that she can actually consider herself that to Haruhi. :P)

Thanks again for the feedback. :D

Updated with numerous fixes.  Apologies; I've spent much of the last week distracted by a youkai.  (Long story.) :)

Moments like this make me appreciate the colorfulness of programs like meld (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meld_%28software%29).

First things first. About the current revision of the chapter:




About other things:

Quote from: Specular on February 24, 2012, 11:06:38 AMMoments like this make me appreciate the colorfulness of programs like meld (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meld_%28software%29).

Indeed; diff GUIs are pretty handy.  Personally, I find it's tedious to go through the same fic again and again as revisions are posted -- so I appreciate the effort, and approve of the tool use. :p

Quote from: Specular on February 24, 2012, 11:06:38 AMAbout other things:

As always -- thanks greatly for the feedback. :)

Thoughts and findings:

Aha--  Thanks for that catch. :)

Quote from: revision"She's got a point, you know!  You've listened to me and agreed to keep our secret; shouldn't I be doing something in return for you?  We _are_ friends ... right?"  Sakanaka was surprised to hear the uncertainty from Haruhi's voice -- she'd wanted to be friends with Haruhi for quite some time, and even though she had been a bit antagonistic at first, Yanagimoto clearly did, too.

Very brief notes --



Keep up the good work!

Ah -- okay, I think that's the last of those.  Thanks for spotting it. :)