Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

This is, as tagged above, a 'downer' story.  A 'bummer' fic.  A Lousy End (not quite 'Bad', but really not any shade of 'Good').

If you read it and feel bad, my apologies in advance. >_>

I don't usually write feel-bad fanfic because I don't see the point in spreading misery; I mostly wrote this to try and work things out for myself.  It's probably a bitter pill to swallow, but I know the content is hopelessly grim; if anyone wades through this, I'd appreciate comments on the technical and stylistic aspects.

I'll have an .html version up, oh, some time after I go home and sleep.

Edit: Updated; also with a better title.

Let's see if I'm getting any of this. It took two read-throughs to get, and came across to me as follows:

(Note: massive spoilers. Trying to figure out if I got something wrong here.)

In summary: :-(

I'm not sure what might have been done to improve the delivery. If my synopsis in the spoiler box was at all accurate, it's the kind of story that doesn't benefit from what is happening being made at all more explicit beyond what I was able to guess at.

A couple of purely technical catches:

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on March 28, 2012, 01:10:40 PMLet's see if I'm getting any of this. It took two read-throughs to get, and came across to me as follows:

[spoilers]

In summary: :-(

Pretty much.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on March 28, 2012, 01:10:40 PMI'm not sure what might have been done to improve the delivery. If my synopsis in the spoiler box was at all accurate, it's the kind of story that doesn't benefit from what is happening being made at all more explicit beyond what I was able to guess at.

Not particularly, no; part of why I used the crossed timelines thing.  Happy with that stylism, even if it's used to tell a depressing story.

Quote from: Arakawa Seijio on March 28, 2012, 01:10:40 PMA couple of purely technical catches:

Excellent -- thanks for the catches, Arakawa. :)

Re: delusion


Re: girl

Actually, that's not what I meant by 'delusion' at all.


It occurs to me that this scene could conceivably work (with modifications) as a hypothetical presented to Kyon in the context of some larger fic. Something along the lines of "this is what could happen in the future if you don't act to avert it".

That isn't to say that there's any need to find a use for it, but I wanted to point out that I can very easily conceive a context in which the emotional downer is worthwhile.

I ... suppose?  But that's not really the point of the exercise; the story on its own is complete.  I'd rather not attach it to anything else to mitigate it.

To delusion:

Quote from: Brian on March 28, 2012, 07:31:36 PM
I ... suppose?  But that's not really the point of the exercise; the story on its own is complete.  I'd rather not attach it to anything else to mitigate it.

Right. When looking at the fic in isolation, it strikes me that it could have some application beyond 'arbitrary downer'. In context, however, it's clear you have no reason to bother.

Delusion:

HTML version posted.

The last section is labeled (then) although it should, according to my understanding, be (now).

The (now) sections start out in past tense, but suddenly change to present tense in the middle of the second section. I believe that writing all (now) sections in past tense would benefit the story; the (now) sections being written in first person past tense and the (then) sections in third person present tense produces a rather unique effect, and the choice creates a certain amount of tension: on one hand, switching the tenses in an unexpected order gives the impression that somehow the (then) moments are more real and present than the (now) moments; on the other hand the difference between first and third person narrative makes the (then) sections feel more detached and less personal. Put together, there is an interesting contrast.

I don't know whether the (now) and (then) labels are really necessary; if the sections stay consistent with the choice of person and tense it will be easy to follow the narration even without the labels, and the story is not so long that the amount of work needed to track the order of narration would be excessive in any case.

Concerning pacing, I wonder if a slight rearrangement of sections could enhance the structure of the story. What I am thinking is to start with short sections like they are right now, and then make them progressively longer by merging material in each timeline while keeping it in the same order within the frame of that particular timeline. Then, place the final - and most important - section of the (then) timeline between the scenes where Kyon/Tanigawa gives the manuscript to the editor and where the editor gives his verdict. This would create a proper pause between the scenes that are supposed to be almost a day apart, and make the editor's question "Where does it go from here?" all the more poignant. The final scene with the illustrator would then become a natural epilogue for the story.

On the whole, I don't find the story as much a downer as you suggest. Certainly, there is a pervasive atmosphere of melancholy in it, but at the same time the reader can see that Kyon/Tanigawa has managed to turn his experience to something that brings happiness to other people, if not necessarily to himself.

Thank you for your input.

Edit: Fixed the tense issues; the 'then' segments are all in present tense, the 'now' segments are all in past tense.  Merged the final four scenes down to two.  Updated (probably final) version to be uploaded tonight when I get home.

I'd hesitated to comment on this piece before, knowing the purpose it serves, but this seems an opportune time to make some broad impressions known.

What strikes me is how Kyon sees Haruhi as having grown, but seems unsure if he has, too.  He feels that he can't make presenting a ring to her worthwhile.  He puts her on a pedestal.  It seems even he thinks he can't really keep up with her, so when Haruhi says the same thing, it's...a profound moment, I guess.  I'm not sure what the right word to describe it is.  It's as if they've both seen the same thing in their relationship and reacted differently.  Kyon resigned himself to keeping pace as best he could, yet Haruhi was unsatisfied with how that would continually separate them.

Still, it's like a punch to the face to have Haruhi say point-blank that Kyon can't keep up with her, just as he's about to propose, no less.  Even though she's the one who suggests they stay friends, she can't affirm the notion when Kyon responds.  Haruhi must know that to encourage him any further would be a lie on her part, something even crueler than her silence.

And yet, Kyon is clinging to her memory.  We see that as he talks with his editor, saying the next book is just about "waiting for the next adventure with her," yet it never comes.

And the cycle repeats, for the artist is waiting for a call, a call that will never come as long as the next book relies on a new adventure that doesn't exist.  Kyon is in no state of mind to break the cycle, to engage this person and her obvious interest in him.  He's stuck in the past, holding desperately onto the idea that Haruhi will call someday, though we know she won't.


May it never be so, for I don't want to believe Haruhi would cast Kyon aside after all they've been through, after Kyon's epiphanies about what he enjoys about the world and about being with Haruhi.  But people do change, irrevocably, uncontrollably.

People just have to learn from such tales.  Heartbreak and self-deception will always exist, but a man should learn not to ignore the blushing artist in the elevator if he finds himself beside her.  Even if it goes nowhere, at least it's something in the present, something real.

That's the tragedy I was aiming to encapsulate; it's reassuring (if not exactly cheering) that I've managed to convey it correctly.  I've also determined a few more revisions to help solidify the delivery; evidence suggests that it was a bit weak on handling some elements.

One thing that I hadn't quite meant to imply but both you and Arakawa picked up on is that Kyon was aware of it in some senses, even though it still hits him like a truck.  I've decided to leave that as it is; entirely unintentional, but if it works, it works.

The next revision (still scheduled for tonight) should have two slight expansions:

First, a few lines emphasizing the editor's comments on how everyone loves the romance angle more than anything -- he'll heap some praise on it.  I'm debating having the editor comment that the main character's utter lack of significant contribution to the events of the last two books -- it's something that always bugs me, but I don't want to turn this into an author's tract.  At the same time, it does make for a good opportunity to have the editor point out that it's proof that even if 'the guy' can't always keep up 'love will see them through'.  Kyon will agree outloud that the romance is perfect, and internally add that it's also purely a fantasy.

Second, need to show that the artist is putting up a front and is actually almost as miserable and hopeless as Kyon is on the inside--  I think Muphrid's comment in IRC about her being at least somewhat attractive and assuming she's probably happily dating something will serve both that and to show how trapped in the past Kyon is, dedicated to someone who's left him behind long, long ago, and won't ever reach out for him (mirroring, naturally, the artist's situation, as you observed).

I'll try and get that finished tonight before I start the evening packing; thanks for the comments, Muphrid, and the discussion in IRC.

Revision posted.  Hopefully this is the final version.

Edit: Forgot to mention; renamed it based on a suggestion from Hal.  This is more fitting.

After reading depellebar, I couldn't help but find inspiration, of a dark and depressing sort. This piece feels rough as hell, but I think it works for what it is; definitely interested in what folks see needing correction.

Thanks to Brian for letting me indulge and take his idea a bit further... and maybe I'll write another to draw things to a better conclusion, we'll see.

Some things I noticed:

A big part of Haruhi's decision to break up with Kyon is not just that she feels stifled and held back, but she sees Kyon pushing himself hard to try to keep up with her and says it hurts.  Hence, she believes breaking up is the best thing for both of them.  I think, at that point, Haruhi could expect that Kyon will prosper without her.  The focus in the initial scene--and indeed, throughout the piece, I think--is largely on whether Haruhi will keep her nerve.

What strikes me is through the piece, Haruhi puts on many masks, but she seems...I'm not sure, but continually restless and unhappy?  I'm not sure if this is a function of Haruhi's own goals being nebulous even to her.  She goes where she wants and does what she cares to, and in that way, she seems insatiable.  In that sense, it seems reasonable that for all she does, she never finds real happiness becuase she moves far too fast to appreciate what she's done.  I thought it interesting that there isn't even an illusion of happiness, though.  If she enjoys acting and directing, I don't quite get the sense of it from the piece, even though these activities seem quite well-suited to her.

Because Haruhi considers and then dismisses the idea of calling Kyon, I feel like the last scene of the piece might have been weakened.  It makes more sense that though she's come all the way to Nishinomiya, she lacks the nerve to call him, but I feel it's harder to distinguish that act from her earlier dismissals of the idea.  If she did call and found the number disconnected, it would feel like her isolation is really complete, but then, knowing she had the resolve to do it, it might also feel like there's a glimmer of hope where there shouldn't be.  So I'm not sure what to suggest on that front.

Trying to think about it succinctly, Kyon had hope even when the silence was deafening and ignored a new opportunity, a chance to move on.  Haruhi, on the other hand, achieves success but never seems happy or in touch with people.  Haruhi's relationships are acknowledged to be superficial right off the bat.  To be honest, I'm not sure how she managed to keep going, knowing that so early in her career.  It doesn't surprise me that Haruhi would be capable of calculating maneuvers like that, however.

Overall, I don't feel quite as deflated as I did with the first part--perhaps because I had the benefit of seeing the outline and felt all the emotional impact then, so now I'm left only with logic and analysis to try to make sense of things.  I think part of what's different here is that because we see Haruhi over a long period of time, the tragedy of the piece is smoothed out.  It's like an aura; it's ever-present.  It doesn't hit so much as it simply is.

semovebar seems to be... quite a bit more than a companion piece. It's a lot meatier and weighty than depellebar. It might benefit from trimming, but cutting out a lot of it would mean having to cut the part with the screenplay, and I'm not sure how integral that is to the piece.

I do agree with Muphrid that it's more of a slow burn piece instead of an explosion of sadness (it's better to go out with a bang?)

Yeah, I don't think I could show Haruhi's side with the same brevity or sudden impact that existed for depellebar. I'd like to trim it down a bit, but I'm honestly not sure where.

Some general replies:

Quote from: Muphrid on April 04, 2012, 01:32:50 AM
A big part of Haruhi's decision to break up with Kyon is not just that she feels stifled and held back, but she sees Kyon pushing himself hard to try to keep up with her and says it hurts.  Hence, she believes breaking up is the best thing for both of them.  I think, at that point, Haruhi could expect that Kyon will prosper without her.  The focus in the initial scene--and indeed, throughout the piece, I think--is largely on whether Haruhi will keep her nerve.

That's pretty much correct. From the very start, she knows that letting go of Kyon is a pretty big sacrifice even for her, but her hope is that the positives for both of them will outweigh the negatives - and she keeps that connection severed to keep second thoughts from creeping in, although they do anyway.

Quote from: Muphrid on April 04, 2012, 01:32:50 AM
What strikes me is through the piece, Haruhi puts on many masks, but she seems...I'm not sure, but continually restless and unhappy?  I'm not sure if this is a function of Haruhi's own goals being nebulous even to her.  She goes where she wants and does what she cares to, and in that way, she seems insatiable.  In that sense, it seems reasonable that for all she does, she never finds real happiness becuase she moves far too fast to appreciate what she's done.  I thought it interesting that there isn't even an illusion of happiness, though.  If she enjoys acting and directing, I don't quite get the sense of it from the piece, even though these activities seem quite well-suited to her.

I could probably stand to improve on this. She's definitely proud of the work she's done and the accomplishments she's achieved, but that pride by itself doesn't have that much substance. I probably didn't touch enough on the pride part of things, focusing more on how things are feeling empty; I might be able to put more on that in the post-bad-date scene though, since she's still ascending and focused more on how high she can climb still.

Quote from: Muphrid on April 04, 2012, 01:32:50 AM
Because Haruhi considers and then dismisses the idea of calling Kyon, I feel like the last scene of the piece might have been weakened.  It makes more sense that though she's come all the way to Nishinomiya, she lacks the nerve to call him, but I feel it's harder to distinguish that act from her earlier dismissals of the idea.  If she did call and found the number disconnected, it would feel like her isolation is really complete, but then, knowing she had the resolve to do it, it might also feel like there's a glimmer of hope where there shouldn't be.  So I'm not sure what to suggest on that front.

Do you mean because she considers and rejects it before the whole breakdown occurs? I was trying to position that as her never quite being able to let go of her memories of Kyon, but resolved enough to maintain her separation even when he comes back to mind - and then at the end, when she's finally weakened enough to make up her mind to call him, she finds out that she's crushed him again unwittingly, and the choice (as she sees it, at least) is taken out of her hands.

I'm not quite sure whether to tone this up or down, though - I can see merit to going either way with it.

Quote from: Muphrid on April 04, 2012, 01:32:50 AM
Trying to think about it succinctly, Kyon had hope even when the silence was deafening and ignored a new opportunity, a chance to move on.  Haruhi, on the other hand, achieves success but never seems happy or in touch with people.  Haruhi's relationships are acknowledged to be superficial right off the bat.  To be honest, I'm not sure how she managed to keep going, knowing that so early in her career.  It doesn't surprise me that Haruhi would be capable of calculating maneuvers like that, however.

She never really stops hoping that she'll find someone else like Kyon. In the early stages, she's aware that there's not going to be much possibility of it - everyone around her is too focused on themselves, but her hope is that once she's able to get into a position of control, she can start being more selective.

The problem is that once she gets there, her reputation/fame/glamour/call-it-what-you-will is enough to keep the sincere folks away, and the only people that even try to get close to her are the ones who want something - and by the time we come across her again, she's pretty severely jaded from a few years of dealing with those types.

Quote from: Muphrid on April 04, 2012, 01:32:50 AM
Overall, I don't feel quite as deflated as I did with the first part--perhaps because I had the benefit of seeing the outline and felt all the emotional impact then, so now I'm left only with logic and analysis to try to make sense of things.  I think part of what's different here is that because we see Haruhi over a long period of time, the tragedy of the piece is smoothed out.  It's like an aura; it's ever-present.  It doesn't hit so much as it simply is.

That's more or less my feeling as well. Haruhi's dissatisfaction is pretty much omnipresent, but she's attempting to defer it or cover it over until the end. The script rejection is supposed to punch through that veneer and make her confront just how empty and dissatisfied she really is with her life, but I'm not sure how well it actually accomplishes that. =\