Soulriders 5.0: Legend of the Unending Games

So, I wanted to write a small, experimental Madoka fic to unblock myself. How dark it is, is up to your interpretation of what happens at the end. Just dark, or extra extra dark? This is Madoka we're talking about, though...

I also thought that, in general, writing witches' barriers in a way that corresponds to their chaotic quality in the original animation might be an interesting challenge. Not sure about the results.

_{(Purple prose any?)}

EDIT: I keep coming up with tweaks to said purple prose after the fact. Oh well, whatever serves to amuse me...

That's too long for nano-oneshot.

That's a one-shot at least.

Well, just teasing really, but sayin', it don't need the extra tag :)

Kinda neat.  Hard to talk about without wrapping in spoilers.  Doesn't feel like it goes anywhere.  Seems more like just a scene.

Hm,

Nano-oneshot for me is under 2,000 words. Well, okay, it was a 900-word thing which ballooned as I still had to explain what in blazes was going on. EDIT: the purpose was to signal that, although grimdark, it's not 10,000+ words of straight up grimdark, which few people would stomach.

NanoOneShot:
shot!

The switched perspective didn't work for me, because of the first two words.  Essentially, this was the same sort of writing style that Keith Laumer used to use when he was writing his Bolo stories.  Present tense discussion that opens with The Machine put me on the mindset of expecting to read about Hellebore cannons - perhaps "The shield" or somesuch would work better?

Just to remark here in case any forumers want to contest or contribute; my observations are that the style feels a bit disjointed and jarring.  It's hard to pin down, but if that's what you're going for (shuffled time), then it worked.

QuoteThe machine projects me into a different world. From gathering small spices and interesting nuts according to the morning training of Royalty somewhere in a traditional Japanese backyard, I go into the house and am cast through into a bleak, oppressive high-rise apartment. There is a heavy sense of menace, and an old man shuffles about the narrow, decrepit room, not thinking. It's some kind of cruel, blood-stained dystopia and the landscape outside the window has some rough, unpleasant high-rise monoliths, a sky that hangs overhead like gray transparent gelatin, menacing with accumulations of despair, and not much else.

A bit of repetition?

QuoteFurther up, in a heraldic display of some sort, is a shield and countless heavy assault weapons set into the wall. An inert doll, too small to make any details, spins slowly on a string beneath the ceiling, sometimes bowing its head in apology to the shield, sometimes turning away in scorn, but it only strikes the tasteful eye as yet more superfluous decoration.

To make out any details?


I admit, when I first looked at this piece, I found the beginning incredibly dense, but a second look has made me think perhaps I was just tired when I did so.

Something I notice when, for instance, Homura loses a hand, is that the action is described in a somewhat detached, clinical manner.  This can be effective in certain contexts; I just wanted to see if that was what you were shooting for.

It strikes me as clever for Homura to try to solve this by explicitly creating a paradox.

Quote from: Jason_Miao on August 09, 2012, 01:28:26 PM
The switched perspective didn't work for me, because of the first two words.  Essentially, this was the same sort of writing style that Keith Laumer used to use when he was writing his Bolo stories.  Present tense discussion that opens with The Machine put me on the mindset of expecting to read about Hellebore cannons - perhaps "The shield" or somesuch would work better?

Hmm, not sure. Thinking of splitting the difference at 'the mechanism'.

Quote
A cool image, but wouldn't that imply that Homura gets cut to ribbons any time she stops time?

Not sure how you make that logical leap. Either you thought Homura was stopping time (she isn't), or the presence of the light in the barrier has something to do with Homura's time stopping ability (not really), or something else. The diamond-hard light is just another feature of the barrier, and has nothing to do with Homura stopping time or not. This might probably be my action being too sketchy.

Thanks for taking a look at this.

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Quote from: Muphrid on August 10, 2012, 03:52:45 PM
I admit, when I first looked at this piece, I found the beginning incredibly dense, but a second look has made me think perhaps I was just tired when I did so.

Okay, Brian thinks this is disjoint, Muphrid thinks it's (maybe) dense, I don't have the inspiration to rewrite it to fix either problem right now, sadly. (And sadly, the next thing I have to share will probably also be very dense.)

Quote
Something I notice when, for instance, Homura loses a hand, is that the action is described in a somewhat detached, clinical manner.  This can be effective in certain contexts; I just wanted to see if that was what you were shooting for.

Okay, at least one aspect of this seems to have worked intentionally :-D

That's better than zero aspects for sure. Also, thanks for the style fixes.

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Quote from: Brian on August 09, 2012, 03:04:17 PM
Just to remark here in case any forumers want to contest or contribute; my observations are that the style feels a bit disjointed and jarring.  It's hard to pin down, but if that's what you're going for (shuffled time), then it worked.

Maaaybe. I was going for prose that matches (in some sense) the art shift that normally happens in the anime when they enter a barrier, and disjointed and jarring are certainly words I'd use to describe the original effect, after thinking about it. I guess I'd have to try this in the middle of a normally written fic to see if it works that way (i.e. I'd have to have a hefty stretch of 'normal' prose to actually test the shift part of art shift.)

However, judging by Miao's misunderstanding and your suspicion that I'm playing with shuffled time, the prose is probably too disjointed. Anyhow, thanks for giving your impressions.

In terms of the number of people who were motivated to offer up commentary, this is more successful than my last fic for sure :-)