Quote from: Grahf on August 09, 2012, 05:12:27 PMI knew that something was off, although I didn't catch the time displacement fully until the mention of Space Invaders, which finally clued me in. I feel sort of silly given that I probably should have realized after Haruhi mentioned the decade and a half after the "I Have a Dream" speech, but I suppose that catching on a little later is still better than not at all.
I put in a lot of references, but didn't want it to be too overstated....
Quote from: Grahf on August 09, 2012, 05:12:27 PMI think that perhaps the initial change in Haruhi's attitude might have been the most jarring. That is to say it was a little strange (to me at least) that she backed down regarding her treatment of Mikuru after Kyon confronted her about it. I chalked it up partly to the different period, and that even though Haruhi is still Haruhi that she wouldn't be as extreme as her modern day counterpart in some regards. Every change after that one though I feel works well and comes off as organic. She'd be the first to realize/care about his social status, just not in the way that he expected her to.
Hmmm. That one might benefit from a bit more work. The idea is that Haruhi's not used to being approached reasonably from someone trying to be objective and fair; Kyon getting her to see things from another PoV instead of just telling her it's wrong should have more influence on her. But if it's clumsily done, I can see what else I can do. I think Haruhi taking Kyon's thoughts and running with them (basically, saying she'll protect Mikuru in the future) is good, but probably the actual confrontation can use something to show she's actually engaged because it's a discussion, not just someone criticizing or denouncing her.
Part of the key to that is that Kyon has to use generalizations and vagueries, because he doesn't know what happened (and as he says, that makes it difficult for him to judge).
The time period does have a lot of influence -- sexism is particularly strong in Japan at that point as well, though not as bad as it had been in the past. (It's still actually not great, but....) Among other things, I couldn't see Haruhi trying to pull the bunny costume thing in the setting, or really any analog of it. :x
Quote from: Grahf on August 09, 2012, 05:12:27 PMMore dubiously your story gets the honour of having one of the only incarnations of Ryoko that I utterly despise. I don't really get how I'm okay with her trying to gut him like a fish, but for some reason the whole character assassination thing and then being so smug about it just grossed me out. Needless to say I was pleased when you had Haruhi deck her in the face. Part of me envisions a somewhat mean-spirited potential follow up where Ryoko has to transfer to Hikami Gakuen because that's where Haruhi went. Still, that seems a little excessive, even if it's completely deserved.
Ryouko's punishment, as such, is that her observation target is well out of her range, and there's no real way for her to follow. Her moving to Hikami Gakuen would probably just be unpleasant for everyone.
My guess for why this Ryouko is even less likable is that firstly, trying to kill Kyon demonstrated a lack of understanding for what she was actually doing (and she even said as much during that scene). Secondly, when she tried to stab Kyon, she was stopped before she could do damage. Here, she shows that she does understand what she's doing (at least to a degree, to manipulate the social scene), and Nagato couldn't stop her because it wasn't violent enough to warrant intervention.
In total, this (plus the smugness) make her come across as condescending instead of confused. One could be misguided, and orange/blue morality. The other is just a terrible person. Unfortunately, this type of fic demands that someone be villainized. The only alternative to that would be Tsuruya, and it's a stretch to justify her even investigating on her own....
Quote from: Grahf on August 09, 2012, 05:12:27 PMIn regards to the overall goal of this work I'd say that you've made it work. It struck me that in this case there's actually a strong juxtaposition with AaG because this time while Kyon has a stigma attached to him it's one that doesn't get him sympathy from most people -- except Haruhi and the rest of the SOS-Brigade of course -- his own humiliation is as hard to stomach, but in this case it's unfortunately "justified" by the bias of the period.
Well, I wanted to put Haruhi/the others on the same side instead of making it an internal schism. I think it worked, and I'm also glad it's different, so that hopefully even if it has the same thematic goal, it's a different story, not just a straight inversion or the like.
Quote from: Grahf on August 09, 2012, 05:12:27 PMAs a somewhat idol thought, I would have liked to have seen a brief cut back to Haruhi's point of view when she learns about what happened. I don't see a way to get that in without interrupting the flow though, and also sort of ruining the surprise of her and the others showing up at the new school. I still think that even without it there's obvious and measurable character development by her here, and by Kyon as well. By the end it looks like he might finally be able to move past the stigma associated with where he came from, or at least not have to live in fear of it anymore.
Hmmmm. I do have a sequel lined up for this (kind of a WAFFy follow-up -- should be much shorter) that addresses Haruhi's comment to Kyon about seeing him before (in a gakuran, along with a girl who kept her hair back with a ribbon), and basically handles the plot of bamboo leaf rhapsody. It's basically the equivelant to
Distant Glimpses, but for the Outcast universe. I suppose this story's follow-up could be from Haruhi's PoV, instead. There is a bit to explore with her having that argument with her parents, and showing more of Yuki/Mikuru's thoughts on Kyon's ostracization.
Food for thought, but it'll probably be a bit before I get around to yet another WAFFy oneshot. ;)
Quote from: Grahf on August 09, 2012, 05:12:27 PMGood work as always. Not really much more I can say in any regard.